9:30 p.m.
• You know, it's not the actual story that caught my eye.
A 4-3 opinion over a hot-button topic whose final decision favors the liberal side of the debate. Odd how there's no mention of a "splintered" or "divided" court decision, although we learn that this court is REPUBLICAN-DOMINATED (whatever the hell that means in California).
Yet a while back I posted this story, also published by the Associated Press...
Wait a second, I was about to do a "how come one case is divided and the other case is splintered," but then I decided to actually, you know, LOOK UP the word in question.
Fudgesicles. Damn you liberal media.
10 p.m.
• So earlier this week I was at Target picking up the better half’s birth control pills when the lady in front of me asked around as to when the new Indiana Jones movie is coming out. Since nobody else knew, I decided to end the awkward silence by saying “May 22.” She then got as giddy as this chick at the grocery store…
…but I digress.
After she picked up her prescription and paid for that and her Indiana Jones DVD set, I shook my head, which prompted the one pharmacist to ask, “What’s wrong?” The following conversation took place. You’ll figure out who is who.
“No self-respecting Indiana Jones fan will look forward to this.”
“Why? I heard it was going to be good.”
“No, it won’t.”
“I have some friends who are in film school and they said the special effects and action will be great.”
“No, it won’t.”
“Why do you think that?”
“They should have stopped with ‘The Last Crusade.’”
“Why?”
“Because it was the perfect ending. Indiana riding off with his father, Sallah and Brody into the sunset. Connery won’t be in this one. Neither will Sallah. And Brody’s dead. Everything in that last scene in ‘The Last Crusade’ has just been wiped away.”
“So you’re not going to see it in the theater.”
“No, but I’ll probably get it on DVD.”
“Why?”
“Because, whether I like it or not, it’s INDIANA JONES.”
*Sigh* I feel the same way about the Star Wars prequels.
Wow, I point out my inability to understand the English language and show how much of a sucker I am with movie franchises just as old as me – all in one entry. I need to inject myself with some manliness. That last line isn’t helping my case much, either...
PUNKS JUMP UP TO GET BEAT DOWN (without using naughty words)
PUNKS JUMP UP TO GET BEAT DOWN (thug lyricz)
You know, for a song that has the line:
I find it funny that the following is also included in this track…
…
Wait a second:
Uhhh, that’s not the correct line, Lyrics Freak.
What the hell?
Lyrics Depot
MP3 Lyrics
STL Lyrics
E Lyrics,
Complete Album Lyrics
Lyrics on Demand
Lyrics Time
Thank you Metro Lyrics. Finally, someone gets the line right.
No, I'm not repeating an entry I made last year. In that post I was remarking on the "Give strong blows to the heads of my foes," line, not the "dick in ya ass" line. With this entry, I'm also pointing out that I may not know what "splintered" means, but I can remember a song's line about anal sex from 16 years ago.
...
God what the hell is wrong with me?
Hmm, interesting take on the YouTube comment section:
That's actually a valid point. Maybe Sadat was a late bloomer.
4 p.m.
• Well, the Mexicans are taking over this country anyway, what's the big deal if one becomes president?
My most fond memories of Richardson were back when he was Clinton's Energy Secretary and looked like a clueless fool during the Los Alamos scandal where nuclear secrets went missing. However, he seems to have been doing a good job as governor of New Mexico, or at least as good a job as one can do with a poor state. Oh, wait. He's a Democrat, so I can't say anything nice. That's right. Booooo. Hissssss. Bad Richardson.
9 a.m.
• Shortly after seeing that "To Catch A Predator" show last night, I caught a bit of Spike's "Pros v. Joes" show. Neat idea. I haven't seen much of the program, but from what I have watched I was entertained. The one I saw last night was some "season finale" or something and featured one event where a person had to rush John Rocker on the mound and wrestle him off ASAP. Now it may have been just me, but Rocker seemed to be enjoying his bout with the black contestant, especially during the times where he was getting the upper hand.
8 p.m.
• You know what else is pissing me off? With all this rain my area has been getting, the lawn has grown by leaps and bounds. Mother fucker, and I just mowed the lawn not too long ago. Well, it could be worse. I heard on the radio today that some place in Shittsburgh just had the roads paved but no drains installed. This means the plethora of H2O Mother Nature has been giving us has been making its way into some houses. One yins-er said he can’t live in this neighborhood due to all the flooding that’s taken place over the past few months. That’s gotta suck, although I can think of a few other reasons to get the hell out of the city.
7:45 p.m.
• Ugh. So today the personal shopping scanner thingys were down at the grocery store. What does this mean? I had to have a cashier ring up the groceries. Fuck. Not only were the check-out lines hella long, but I was in front of some fat bitch who squirted out a kid and was paying for her groceries via WIC. What does the rapper Willie D have to say about this sort of thing?
Damn straight, dawg. Here I am going through my coupons trying to make every cent count and this person in front of me spread her legs a year ago and now I have to pay for her groceries, too. “But it’s for her baby, kkk.” N*gga, I’m a Republican. Make the kid get a job. Anyway, when it was my turn, I got a fucking attitude because the cashier had to do something funky with my advantage card. I was told by the personal scanner chick that the cashier had to override my shopper card thing, and when I told the casher this, you would have thought I had asked her to take my groceries out to the car, go to my house and cook the food for me. Then there was the 90-year-old bagger with the hump who put my four bags of instant mashed potatoes in THREE DIFFERENT BAGS. Fuck, I wish I could have bagged my groceries as I went, which is what you do with the personal shopper scanning thingy. Then the cashier accuses me of not buying two Butterball turkey bacon packages, thus making my $1 off coupon invalid. Bitch, don’t even think you’re going to Jew me out of my dollar off – after all, I just spent $50+ dollars on the customer before me for Similac and other shit. Because I was also bagging my groceries and was sorting the products by bag, I knew that the turkey bacon was with the buy-one-get-one-free chicken breasts (the turkey bacon was also on sale, for those keeping score at home). I whipped out my Butterballs and shoved them in her face. Well, not really, but you get the point. I’m a coupon-clipping pro, ho. Don’t pick this battle because you’re going to lose. Anyway, after all that shit it was time to go home. God I miss you personal shopper scanning thing. Please be all better when I come back next Tuesday, same bat time, same bat channel.
7 a.m.
• So whenever the better half and I go to sleep, the cats have been joining us on the bed as of late. Normally it was just Dessa who slept with us, but during the past few weeks our two males have also joined us, much to their sister's chagrin. Anyway, last night at around 1 a.m. I rolled over on Max's tail. He let out a yelp, which caused JJ to pounce on him -- right on top of me. After a few seconds of wrestling and screaming (all on top of my chest) they took off down the hall. This in turn caused Dessa to chase after them, and after about 20 more seconds of screaming and hissing, it all went silent. At one o'clock in the fucking morning. Oh this is going to be such a long-ass day.
Where did everybody go?
8:30 p.m.
• So here's some local stuff that's going on in my redneck of the woods.
Now there's a bunch of blahblahblah to this article, but the last two paragraphs caught my attention.
"Fairness." Interesting. You see, in this same county there is some road construction going on due to some hippie EPA order. This construction is going on along a patch of road that's home to a bunch of local businesses, who are understandably pissed off about the whole thing. "No need to worry," the politicians said, "this construction won't affect any of the businesses."
Oh no?
Less than two months into construction a corner store shut its doors. The reason? The road construction turned away many of the customers. The amount of businesses went down so much that this store lost its lottery machine, and the owner decided to call it a day.
Now in the interest of "fairness," I think the State should allow this store owner, who from what I was told had been in business for decades, to keep his lottery machine and stay in business. But wait, this store is in the PRIVATE sector.
Maybe the store owner should have asked for a bailout.
When you're good enough to get 63 pages in your "ask" feature, the Best Ending, the Frog Ending, and the Secret Ending, then we'll talk. Until then, keep on digging, Watson.
Man, am I stretching for material now or what? Guess I can comment on President Hussein again. Then again, nothing STRIKES me as worth commenting about this terrorist fucktard. I could make some jokes about his kids, but that would be going in the GUTTER. Perhaps a sex joke about him and Michelle wreslting in the sack -- I bet there's some good PIN ACTION there. Oh look at the time: It's 7:10. I gotta split.
9 p.m.
• Those bitches. How dare they think the Octo-Mom is an unfit parent?
Now here's the big shocker. That feminazi bitch Gloria Allred is finally on the right side of the law.
• So Barney Fwank thinks Scalia is a homophobe.
I swear to Christ you could just burn sound clips of this guy to a CD and it would outsell at least half the comedy albums out there.
I haven't really paid attention to your new solo show weeknights on OMGFAUXNEWSLOL2009~! However, when I heard back in February that Gilbert Gottfried was going to be one of your GREAT AMERICAN PANELISTS, I couldn't resist. Finally got around to looking up a clip on YouTube of this segment to replay one of the highlights.
What also made me laugh was George Allen (to the left) then trying to make a serious douchey statement about roids in baseball. You're not running for office anymore. Lighten up for God's sake.
Here's another clip. The first 0:54 pretty much sums up why I don't bother watching these shows on a regular basis. The rest of the clip is why I watched this particular episode.
10 a.m.
• So I have finally found a set of car insurance commercials that I hate more than the Geioco Cavemen. Those Progressive ads with the burnette cashier.
Good God. At least a few (and I mean "a few") of the Geico ads had a smirk/chuckle moment to them. These ones are atrocious.
However, I finally laughed at one of the Progressive ads, but probably for the wrong reason. If you can stand it, get through to the end of this ad for the invisible voice-over line.
11 a.m.
• Now we're comparing the dining habits of our two most recent presidents?
You know what? After reading this drivel my opinion of W. just went up a bit more. He can sit next to me at a Golden Corral any time. I want to stab with a rusty fork those people that talk more about the food they're getting at a restaurant than those that just want go out to eat.
Wait, did I just make another presidential death thread? Shit. Well I'll just copy what a columnist of color said a while back about another public figure. That ought to put me in the clear.
Thank Christ you people have resources that America doesn't care about (at least not any more -- damn you Civil War). Dealing with Middle Eastern culture is bad enough.
And speaking of HATE CRIMES~!
Gee, I thought flag burning was PROTECTED SPEECH? Didn't we go through this already back in the 1990s with Tommy Lasorda?
You're talking about raising taxes AND bailing out the two Philadelphia daily newspapers. Is it 2010 yet?
3:15 p.m.
• So for those itching for a fix of what’s been going on with the kkk household, here’s an update.
-- The crack-whore niece-in-law squirted out a kid in December.
-- The crack-whore niece-in-law walked in on her baby’s daddy having sex with another person … in the house they live together at … while the crack-whore niece-in-law was fully awake.
-- The crack-whore niece-in-law, along with her bastard child, is now living with my mother-in-law.
-- The crack-whore niece-in-law has gone to more welfare offices than I knew existed this past week, and the better half told me that the commonwealth of Pennsylvania will be charging the baby’s daddy with the hospital bill for the bastard child squirting out. (Oh, and because the crack-whore niece-in-law smoked and did drugs during pregnancy, the bastard child was brought into this world strung out and needed medical attention right off the bat.) The total cost being sent to the baby’s daddy? $20,000.
Now here is where I come in. Am I offering any aid, assistance or comfort to the crack-whore niece-in-law?
FUCK NO
And if you thought otherwise, just how long have you been reading this blog?
What I am going to do is rescue the four cats that are still at the baby’s daddy house. Why are there four? Because the crack-whore niece-in-law adopted a cat, did not get it fixed, and it ran off and got knocked up. Gee, that sounds awfully familiar. Who says pets don’t take after their owners?
Anyway, the crack-whore niece-in-law is at yet ANOTHER welfare office today, so I’m not sure when the kitties will be arriving at the kkk household. Why are the cats going to take refuge here? Because we are more than convinced that once the baby’s daddy gets the $20k bill those cats are as good as dead. The better half told me that the medical bill will be arriving in his mailbox sometime next week, so I’ll be expecting the new arrivals either today, tomorrow or sometime this weekend.
While I’m on this subject, how come the baby’s daddy has to foot the ENTIRE medical bill? How about splitting it down the middle between him and the crack-whore niece-in-law? Oh, that’s right. The crack-whore niece-in-law is a leech to society. Man, whenever my mother-in-law keels over, the crack-whore niece-in-law is in some serious trouble. My father-in-law, if he doesn’t keel over first, won’t be doing jack shit for her, nor will the kkk household. She’ll have to fill out her cash assistance forms all by herself. Oh noes.
And just think. Whenever you hear a politician or advocacy group say we don’t do enough for the poor, think of the crack-whore niece-in-law.
Do you really care where the maple syrup comes from? That is unless you want to find out how to have it mask the general stench of your city even more than it already does.
7:30 p.m.
• President Hussein doesn't care about Kentucky-ians.
By the way, how come our president hasn't done more for the fine citizens of the Midwest? Oh, that's right. Because there aren't any welfare recipients standing around going "now who's going to pay my bills?" Then again, why would they -- it's f'n COLD outside.
Hey shit-for-brains, you think any of my people will be falling for this obvious bear trap? Fuck no. The moment there's any kind of racial issue that's addressed and not met with the approval of you and your liberal comrades will pull the OMG RACISM~! card. I was born at night but it wasn't last night. If I was I'd be some kind of prodigy for typing this up instead of sucking on some titties.
9:30 p.m.
• So here’s the latest from the crack-whore niece-in-law.
She knows this guy who lives about 4-5 hours away. Nineteen years old. No job. Doesn’t go to college. He paid a long-distance booty call. How did he get to my neck of the woods? HIS OLD MAN DROVE HIM.
Anyway, the crack-whore niece-in-law took her two-month old kid with her to the hotel room for a night of passion. Where did the kid sleep while her mother got her freak on? The gentleman caller brought a crib. It must have been in storage or something because apparently it was moldy, and now the kid’s sick because of it.
Remember, whenever you hear a politician/activist claim that we don’t do enough for the poor, keep in mind that not everyone who takes public assistance is a hard-working provider for a family of four that recently lost his job due to the factory moving to Mexico.
I actually did fill out an office bracket earlier this morning. Problem is I don't remember who I picked. I have Memphis winning it all, though. Don't ask why.
6 p.m.
• Before you start saying OMG TAX THE RICH, remember that one day it may be you in the government's cross-hairs. Hell hath no fury like a public official with an ax to grind.
Then why did you do this, you cunt?
And let's also strip the retention bonuses of these people.
And while we're at it, let's have Barney Fwank take a bit out of his account just for shits and giggles.
I am holding my own worst poster tournament. Read that description again. Worst. Poster. This is the poster I hate the most. Each will be judged on … well, whatever I say they will be judged on. That’s right, far too long I have held back letting the TSM community know what posters have irked me for years and have become the bane of my existence. Now it’s time to name names and nobody is safe. The eight seeds are listed below in their quarter-final match-ups.
Round Uno
Christian Okoye
I remember this growing up and I HATED looking at it every time I thumbed through a group of posters at a store. I had nothing against the Nigerian Nightmare, even though I called him a different nickname because I thought ethnic/name-changing insults were oh so clever. Good thing I’m through with that phase. I will give this poster credit for one thing: I like how the terrified players in the background have uniforms from Okoye’s divisional opponents.
Vs.
Alfalfa's He Man Woman Haters Club
I couldn’t find the actual poster that was in my room (it shows Alfalfa flexing his pseudo-muscles with the name of his club at the bottom of the page), but why I hate this poster is because it burned me – big time. You see, when I was a kid, I had a shitload of posters/pictures pinned up in my room. When I got this edition to add to my collection, there was no room to pin it up anywhere. As a kid who wasn’t yet hip to the whole sexual education thing, I pinned this image of Alfalfa on the only place in my room that still had available real estate.
Right above my bed.
Ah, childhood innocence. How was I to know other people could see this as somewhat queer? I sleep on my side, so it’s not like I would wake up looking into Alfie’s eyes. And I wasn’t even masturbating yet, so I wasn’t pulling a "Randy Marsh in the hot tub" at a Meteor Shower parties.
This poster was up for some time before a friend of mine asked why I had a picture of Alfalfa hanging above my bed. I responded because that was the only place for it in my room. He asked the same question again, and that was when something clicked in my head. After he left I quickly took this image down, never to be seen again. Strangely enough, my friend never told anyone about this and I wasn’t the object of ridicule among my youth compatriots (well, at least I was not the object of ridicule for this particular subject). I guess Jason didn’t find anything homo-erotic with it, either; he just found it … strange.
Winner: Okoye. Alfalfa was innocent of any wrongdoing; just guilty of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Jerry Rice
I was never a fan of the San Francisco 49ers growing up. After all, I was in STEELER COUNTRY, and those queermos from the Bay were going to equal my black and gold in Super Bowl wins with FOUR~! After they clobbered Denver, my old man was PISSED. Why? Because he’s out of his mind. Anyway, after that blowout, the 49ers were zeroed in on another Super Bowl title in the early 1990s, and this poster of Jerry Rice was pretty much used as the object of my scorn. It’s hard to see the type at the top of this poster, but it says something like “Rice be nimble. Rice be quick.” The image is of him jumping over Candlestick Park. Get it? LOLOLOL. Now that I think about this, even though I hated this poster, I never had a problem with the Joe Montana Football video game franchise, which was also out at around this time. It wasn’t my favorite video game, but I played it from time to time. I wonder why, considering I hated Montana more than Rice. Nah, the “Joe’s white” excuse doesn’t feel right here. I think it was because at least in the video game you could defeat San Francisco – they had a team in the game, right?
Oh, and you may now be thinking, “kkk, but the 49ers won a fifth Super Bowl. How did the Steeler nation react to that?” Surprisingly, the Shittsburgh region took it better than I thought. Then again, everyone was still in shock about the Steelers losing to the Chargers in the Conference Championship. While many here won’t admit it, losing to the Chargers was the better option than getting blown out by the 49ers that year in the Super Bowl. And, yes, they would have lost.
Vs.
Whatever You Want To Call This
Why the hell did I put this on the list -- it's a great photo. Even though it’s not really a poster, I still had it pinned to my wall. I won this prize at some fair, and it was in a plastic 8x11 frame. I posted this in my room because of the naughty word. I guess it was to show my mom I wasn’t taking any more of her fascist rules like “study” and “get good grades.”
Winner: Rice be nimble. Rice be quick. Rice is going to the second round.
Fatheads (as a whole)
Do I have a fat head? Well, I have no problem fitting it through my shirts. Get it? “Fat head”? LOLOLOL. I don’t own these things, and I have no problem with people who do. (Well, I might have a problem with someone that has one, but it's not because they own a Fathead.) I guess what I don’t like about these things is that you don’t pin/tape them to a wall. In my day we used tape and tacks that ruined our room’s walls, thus deducting from our parent’s security deposit if the residence was a rental property. And if you lived in a house your parents were paying a mortgage on, those holes you making marked your territory, in a passive aggressive sort of way. Damn you technology.
Vs.
Pennants (as a whole)
Once again, I have nothing against pennants. In fact, I used to own a buttload of these things. That’s why pennants make the list. I used to own a buttload of these things. I have commented on my old man a few times here, and he does have his fair share of faults. Who the hell am I kidding, he has more than his fair share. But one “father/son” activity we used to partake in was to go to Steeler games during the early 1980s. Actually, I don’t think we went to that many regular season-games; I pretty sure these were pre-season games. Why? Probably because they were cheaper. Nothing wrong with that – I was a kid and had no idea what was going on anyway. Most of the time I just wandered around Three Rivers Stadium picking up discarded tickets and other litter. Anyway, whenever we would go to these games (or my old man went with some friends to those fancy smancy regular-season games), I would always get a pennant. After a while I had quite the collection on my wall. I can’t quite remember what I had – I know there were several Steeler ones, an old Bengals helmet, the Browns, the Houston Oilers, the N.Y. Giants, the Atlanta Falcons, the Minnesota Vikings, the Detroit Lions and the Green Bay Packers. Hmm, dad had a thing for the NFC Central. Oh well, there were probably about a dozen or so more in addition to those I named. And what happened to these pennants? When my folks got a divorce in the mid-1980s, the house that my old man worked on for almost 10 years was sold and my old lady threw away this cherished pennant collection. Nice going, bitch. Just because they remind you of the psycho you married doesn’t mean they had the same anti-sentimental value for me. Then again, I don’t really remember putting up that much of a fight back then for these pennants. I was probably still in shell-shock with the fact that my parents were splitting up and wondering if it had anything to do with me…
“kkk, your time on the couch is done for the day. Come back next week, and bring your $150. And NO CHECKS!”
Winner: Pennants. Fatheads were never in my old house’s trash can.
Team Photos (as a whole)
For some reason I was never a fan of these generic “team” photos. I mean, all the athletes are just sitting there, and their images are so tiny. Why did I have a few of these pinned up? No clue. I think I pinned a few up one afternoon and forgot they were there until moving day years later.
Vs.
Chicago Bulls Team Poster
Remember what I said about the San Francisco 49ers? Well, the Chicago Bulls were even worse. I didn’t start following basketball until the late 1980s/early 1990s, and because Shittsburgh did not have a NBA team I had to pick a team from another city to throw my support behind. Several of my friends were already NBA fans, and they were glad to see I finally caught onto the sensation that was the Association. They told me to watch a few games and let them know what teams I liked. Keep in mind this was when Air Jordans were the thing and Bulls Merchandise was right up there with the Los Angeles Raiders gear.
I was watching the early rounds of the NBA playoffs, and the Phoenix Suns with Kevin Johnson got my attention quick. I was about to pledge my eternal loyalty to Phoenix when another team caught my eye: the Detroit Pistons. The next day I was in fourth-period Home Economics. (No jokes -- we were REQUIRED to take a semester of this and a semester of Metal Shop.) I told my basketball-loving peers of my recent observations. I started out talking about the Suns. My one friend’s eyes lit up. He was a huge Suns fan because he grew up in Phoenix and attended a few summer camps featuring Suns players (little did I know it was around the time of that big drug scandal in the '80s; oh the Larry Nance after-party jokes I could have thrown at him).
I then told the group about my next team. The following conversation took place. You can figure out who is who.
“Yeah, I liked Phoenix, but there was another team I saw which I liked better.”
“Who?”
“They wore blue … I think they were the…”
“Oh no.”
“Detroit Pistons?”
“What the fuck is wrong with you? They’re a bunch of assholes!”
“I liked the way they played defense.”
“You’re fucking kidding me! The PISTONS?”
“There was this big white guy who I liked.”
“Oh God… Laimbeer?”
“I don’t know. He had black hair.”
“Bill Laimbeer is a fucking asshole. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Now we all have had experience with peer pressure. And while the herd can oftentimes break a person’s will of self-expression, there are times when you just want to stand out from the crowd by being an asshole. This was one of the (many) times for me. So my friends are Bulls fans? Fuck that – go Pistons. The pinnacle of my Pistons scorn came a few years later when I got a Bill Laimbeer jersey, and the first time I wore it was to my friend’s house (the one from Phoenix) when he had a long-distance friend who was supposedly some big-shit on his school’s basketball team. My other friend and I played them in several games and we handedly won each contest. I also had one of the best outdoor games of my life playing against this “super friend” from another school. I’m not sure if my game was actually any good, or if this “super friend” actually played on his school’s team, but either way the power of Bill was with me that day – and I didn’t even take any cheap shots.
…
Wait, what the hell was I talking about?
Oh, yeah. The Bulls. Fuck them. Look, I know Jordan’s good. Hell, he’s great. Oh “H” “e” “double hockey sticks,” he’s the best player of my generation and may be the best of all time. I get that. I just routed against him. But you know who I genuinely hated? Scottie Pippen. Wahhhh, I have a headache in Game 7 of the 1990 NBA Conference Finals. Wahhhh. If I don’t get the ball in the final 1.8 seconds of a playoff game I’m going to sit down. You're a whiny fuckhead and I personally hate you. Well, not anymore because I’m indifferent. But back then I sure did.
Winner: Bulls. I can’t even remember who they were up against, much like their other first-round NBA opponents from back in the day.
Round Dos:
Christian Okoye v. Jerry Rice.
Winner: Rice. By a leap.
Pennants v. Bulls.
Winner: Bulls. Not even close.
Round Tres:
Jerry Rice v. Chicago Bulls
Winner:
Did you at least remove the price stickers from the DVDs before giving them to one of our country's top allies? For all the spending you're doing, shitdick, I at least hope these movies are the super-special editions with commentary and other features.
8:30 p.m.
• So the toothless Mexican family has had quite the eventful month or so. The matriarch of the group quit her job. Why? Because of the PRESIDENT HUSSEIN RECESSION~!
…
Well, not quite.
You see, this person got paid $10+ per hour by the great commonwealth of Pennsylvania to clean half of the house where her aunt/mother lives. Who cleans the other half? Why, another person. They have two people getting $20+ per hour to CLEAN A FUCKING HOUSE FULL-TIME. Oh, and there’s a third person who is supposed to drive said aunt around for grocery shopping, etc. But there’s one problem here. This chauffer refuses to drive along the only stretch of state highway in which all these necessary stores are located. Not sure how much this person makes, but whatever. Your government in action.
Now why is this person quitting her job?
To HOME-SCHOOL her two kids.
Why is this significant? Peep this previous entry.
Now read the following.
This was WRITTEN BY THE SAME PERSON TAKING HER KIDS OUT OF SCHOOL TO HOME-SCHOOL THEM.
Oh, but the plot thickens. I knew there was more to this groovy mystery. You see, this lazy piece of human trash would have to have other reasons to get out of sitting on her fat ass watching television all day and getting paid $10+ per hour. With her household reduction in income, it turns out this family is now eligible for more welfare. Did I say “welfare”? I meant to say “benefits.” Or at least that’s what the welfare matriarch is calling this gift to the underclass. And when I say "more welfare" I mean "more than what she was making 'cleaning' her aunt's house at $10+ per hour."
But I’m not done with the updates. It’s time for a kkk Twin Spin~!
Remember this gem from a while back?
Well earlier this week we got an update. This happy couple has been divorced for quote some time now. And now the “Aussie Prince,” is suing his former better half for HALF THE PLANE/HOTEL BILL he rang up for his little intercontinental booty call. Oh, and he’s also suing for defamation of character.
How can I follow this? Goodnight, tip your waitresses and try the tortured baby cow.
Even in this HUSSEIN RECESSION, it's still possible to find work. Mrs. kkk finally did. We got the message on the answering machine Friday afternoon. Back to the university, back to her previous salary, back to the benefits package, back to ... driving through Wilkensburg (aka the ghetto) to get to and from our little corner of suburban paradise. Oh well, nothing's perfect. Truth be told, driving through this shit hole twice every weekday really motivates you to work hard and justify your job. If you don't, you could be among the trash in these near-shantytowns. The offer is going to made sometime next week by the useless University Human Resources department, and in about a week or two after that the better half will be riding shotgun yet again in my morning/afternoon commute. Thankfully, we have been treading water the last several months, but after a while not seeing your bank account increase at all it gets a bit old. In fact, our savings account remains untouched, and I only need to put in about $1,500 into the checking account in order to get it back up to the $5,000 mark, which is the minimum we keep in that account; anything more than that goes to paying off debt/investing/etc. Actually, this $1500 "hole" isn't so bad, considering we had to replace our furnace this winter, which took a healthy bite out of the checking account. However, when you PREPARE and SAVE MONEY FOR THESE KINDS OF THINGS, something like a new furnace is only a temporary dip in an already established account instead of being harbinger of DISASTER YET TO COME for a WORKING FAMILY. Maybe I shouldn't have paid my mortgage and asked ACORN to squat on the property whenever the foreclosure man comes a knocking.
I normally don't pay attention to the NFL's Thursday Night Game, so I didn't know who won/covered the spread. After going through your picks this week I now know New Orleans was the victor -- either outright or the team lost by less than 3.5 points. Thanks for saving me a trip to NFL.com.
1 p.m.
• So the guy from Oklahoma won the Heisman. Whatever. I was pulling for Colt, but this guy had the bigger numbers 'n stuff. Not like any of this matters in the NFL, though.
• And last night while having SportsCenter on as background noise, I got to hear this gem. Some idiot anchor was trying to make a connection with the RECSSSION and people getting there jobs turk'en with the plethora of NBA coaches getting fired. Uh, dipshit, NBA coaches getting fired isn't quite the same as Joe Blow getting laid off because his business is closing. Why can't you idiots just stick to reading scores? Even Jay Harris, who is probably my favorite SportsCenter anchor, was acting a fool alongside this other guy, who I saw host a NFL Live once in a while but that's about it. Ugh.
Here is not how to make nice with the mother of who you are are banging. You need to read the 2/4 entry to get some backstory. And "Angie" is the "name" of the crack-whore niece-in-law. The following took place during a phone conversation. You can figure out who is who.
"Angie wants Princess (one of the female cats) and Buddy (one of the male cats) back when she gets her apartment."
"Angie is NOT getting Buddy because he's the most adoptable cat out of the lot. She will get Princess back, and if there's another cat left over it will be Stripe (the other female cat) because she's the least-adoptable of the group. The two males are probably going to be taken first and I'm not going to stop that. And when is Angie going to get her welfare pad?"
"I don't know. Probably sometime in May?"
"What?"
"Probably sometime in May."
***This is when I start getting pissed and the Hulkkk transformation takes place***
"I thought it was going to be March. Well then ALL FOUR cats are up for adoption. Unlike other people I'm not her servant."
"Who are talking about ... 'her servant'?"
...
F U C K
Needless to say it went downhill from there. Sad thing is I wasn't targeting the mother-in-law with that remark, because it's not just her that caters to every whim of the crack-whore niece-in-law. However, upon further review I realized that the father-in-law and better half pretty much bend over to the crack-whore niece-in-law at the request of the mother-in-law. When Mrs. kkk heard about this exchange, she said I needed to apologize. Apologize for what? I'm not sorry about what I said because it's the truth. And you know what: If the mother-in-law is more pissed about me saying this than she is about the crack-whore niece-in-law dropping out of school, going on welfare, having a bastard child with another person who needs sterilized and taking NO responsibility for her actions then too bad. In fact, I think that's the problem right there.
The crack-whore niece-in-law has pretty much been allowed to do whatever she wants, and everyone caters to her demands. Except me. Back in 2003, the crack-whore niece-in-law had some mid-term/term paper due. Even though she had months to work on this, she waited until the last minute. And the paper, due on the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday, needed sources and all that other good stuff, meaning the crack-whore niece-in-law needed Internet access. And guess who was the only one that had such a technological marvel? Yep. Just hours before the Super Bowl, I was asked if the crack-whore niece-in-law could come over and use the computer. My response: No. And here's why.
-- A few weeks prior, the crack-whore niece-in-law was arrested at Wal-Mart for shoplifting. I was going to watch the Super Bowl and I didn't trust a thief alone in my residence. Besides, the crack-whore niece-in-law wouldn't know what to do half the time, and she would be calling me in for help every 5 minutes.
-- The better half offered to "watch" her, but Mrs. kkk had already made plans to go out with one of her friends. I wasn't going to have the better half cancel her plans with someone she infrequently sees; keep in mind these plans were made WEEKS in advance and the crack-whore niece-in-law's request was made the afternoon of Super Bowl Sunday.
-- As I said above, this research paper was due THE NEXT DAY. And I was asked about this SUNDAY AFTERNOON. Now if I had been given just a FEW DAYS NOTICE about this, I would not have had a problem. But I was not about to turn my life around for this irresponsible brat.
Now before you say, "Boy, kkk, you don't care about anyone else but yourself," I want to point out that ... well, you're probably right. Actually, whenever a genuine need to alter life's schedule arises I have no problems. A few months back I was at the dentist's office when the better half learned that the mother-in-law fell and hurt her knee. I told Mrs. kkk to take her to the emergency room and pick me up afterward. After my appointment I was roaming around the local shopping complex for 4-5 hours while waiting to hear of an update. Sure my afternoon/evening was shot, but big f'n deal. An emergency took place and needed dealt with. Where the hell am I going with this? ... shit ... Oh well, might as well finish with the usual quality send-off...
If Mrs. kkk would surprise me on December 25 with one of your yuppie cars parked on our driveway with a red bow on top of the roof, I'd still rank my Atari 2600 way higher on my list of favorite holiday gifts than your overpriced junk.
I can't remember when I got my first Big Wheel, but I'd put that above getting one of your cars.
11 p.m.
• So my local liberal rag ran an editorial earlier this month that I just stumbled across. There's a local RIGHT-WING RADIO station that is doing a re-shuffling of its lineup. Oh Noes, the left-wing editorial board doesn't approve.
I find it hilarious that the Shittsburgh Post-Gazette would comment about one-sidedness when their editorials are nothing more than a stream of never-ending hippie crap, but whatever. Basically, KDKA dumped a few hosts, brought back a long-time host and kept the station's best talker. Take it from me: Mike Pintek, Fred Honsberger and Marty Griffin is NOT an "overwhelmingly conservative" slant. Marty's a tool; I heard he's liberal but that's not why I don't listen to him -- he's an "investigative reporter" for a local television station and annoying as hell with his EVERYTHING is an OUTRAGE blather. I would put money on Pintek voting more Republican than Democrat, but he did say that, much to his regret, he voted for Fast Eddie in the 2002 governor's election. Fred has been a mainstay at KDKA for years and is a great talk-show guy.
Here's the bottom line, and the Post-Gazette even admits this:
That's why KDKA brought back Pintek, and that's why Honsberger still has a job at KDKA. It's business, you dipshits.
What in the hell has that got to do with talk-radio programming? If we're going to go by this logic, how come the Shittsburgh Post-Gazette, along with the legions of other liberal media outlets, suddenly didn't turn conservative from 1994 through 2006 to "reflect the national political mood"? Having read the Post-Gazette from 1994-2000 and then again from 2003-2008 I can say matter-of-factly that its left-wing drivel remained the same, if not cranked up a few notches here and there.
If there's one industry I want to turn to so I can learn how to make my business successful, it's the newspaper biz. Yessire. Nothing but black on those bottom lines.
9:30 a.m.
• For God's sake, ESPN, can we please stop making references to the TOUGH TIMES WE LIVE IN? During yesterday's bowel games each contest had several references, and within a 5-minute span "Outside the Lines" and "Sports Reporters" also made comments. Good God. Can we move up President Hussein's Inauguration so we can all say we are living in a gilded age?
9:45 a.m.
• Here's another one:
"What recessionlol... blahblahblah... does Baseball need a salary cap?"
Come on, Osama, make all this go away.
LOL -- one of the pinheads on the panel just said now with these free agent signings the Yankees will be the top story of this upcoming baseball year. The Yankees are ALWAYS the top story each year, no matter what they do. And the one panelist said salary cap opponents are disillusioned?
Oh, no, in the next segment they are going to talk about the year that was 2008. Let's see if we more President Hussein or RECESSION~! references.
LOLx2 -- some panelist said Michael Phelps was celebrating when that one guy won the relay race for Team USA, Phelps was celebrating because now that guy made him "immortal" and got him all the post-Olympic deals. I'm sure Phelps was thinking, "YAY, now I get to host Saturday Night Live."
Wow, no references. Color me impressed.
Nice to see you have enough time to go on late-night television and fill out a March Madness bracket -- It's not like you have anything better to do, o' favorite Son of Kenya. On second thought, if this Bread and Circuses routine keeps you distracted for any length of time from implementing your socialist schemes, I'll ask you to fill out a bracket for the remaining NIT rounds. Actually, during the whole Clinton impeachment period, I was all for the process. It wasn't partisan; it was more because it kept Congress and the Prez from doing anything else.
Speaking of which, I need to fill out MY brackkket. Oh who am I kidding? I haven't even posted last year's baseball results from that annual competition I have with that pseudo-baseball expert we have at this place.
So with all the issues facing Shittsburgh...
* The RECESSION~!
* The fact that the city had no money before said RECESSION~!
* Toledo having more residents, thus showing how all those with a shred of common sense have left this shit hole. Oh, and Mud hens > Pirates. No, seriously. The Hens would beat the Bucs. In a best of seven.
* An increasing homicide rate, which may not be a bad thing because at least the welfare rolls are getting thinned out.
What is the number one topic on the news this week?
...
In other news, Pizza Hut is now going to be known as Pasta Hut.
OMGAPRILFOOLZROTFLMAOTERRIBLETOWEL2009~!
For those of you who wonder why the location in my user profiles reads "Just outside the county line that encompasses Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania," now you know. Truth be told, I really don't care. Cities do this dumb shit all the time. What is more pathetic than the "name change" is the local media coverage this received. Good Christ, this was in the LEAD STORY segment of the local news that Mrs. kkk was watching earlier this week.
Upon further review, I never really noticed the "Ravens" in the boy mayor's last name. I am now genuinely surprised that he was able to win the Democrat primary with that last name. Then again, the primary season doesn't take place during football season. The November general election is just a gimmie to Democrats anyway, so the real action takes place during the primaries.
And these are just some of the reasons why I love Westmoreland County.
You're a fighter. Stay on the court for another four, maybe eight years, before stepping down.
10 a.m.
• This is one fucked up story. And don't even bother with the "Big Beaver" jokes. I beat you to the donkey punch. The last sentence is ... well. Just read.
Remember a while back you asked which ESPN nimrod I was talking about regarding this past entry?
Saw him again this morning and got the name: Michael Hill.
