Alone in the Dark, just saw it. *spoilers* Options

[AndrewTS]

Well, I knew this truly would be a horrible, horrible film, but I've seen far worse, and the promise of laughs from how crappy it was convinced me to whip out one of my free movie certificates and check it out.


My 2 cents--contains spoilers...

Okay, we start out with an expository crawl *and* a voiceover (apparently Boll figures anybody who earnestly enjoys his films is illiterate). There's some ancient civilization that supposedly sealed off an entrance to the realm of the dark and around that time they're civilization vanished off the face of the earth. Blah blah..

Slater is Carnby, there's an evil dude called Prof. Hudgens who, starting 20 years ago, has been trying to open this door. He works for a government paranormal agency, so I guess it's to find out about crap that shouldn't be screwed with. After they discontinue his research he continues his work in other ways. Why? Power I guess. His "research" involved attaching things to 20 orphans' spinal columns (come on, *one* orphan's heart is enough to unleash evil...), but Carnby's malfunctioned when he escaped and hid inside of a generator. (How? Did he get a big, likely-would-be-fatal electric shock? Never explained). Supposedly the orphans are the key to unleashing them...but...*shrug*...the crawl says it was to make man/monster fusions.

It turns out that aligning yourself with the creatures of the dark (which seem to be mindless killing machines, but whatever) allows you to obtain incredible power. Is Hudgen aligned with them? Hell if I know, because he seems to be scared to death of them at one point, and shoots himself up with blood from one of them (that's in a cage), then seems to inexplicably be able to control them later on. Doesn't seem that they're willingly helping him.

The other orphans from the orphanage apparently are under Hudgen's control. Supposedly the spinal-taps are why, but that doesn't explain how they turn into Evil-Dead-ish Carpathian Demon Possessed People. What purpose they serve is unclear, because all Hudgen does with them is sick them on Carnby and Cedrac (Slater and Reid. I'll use them interchangably, since it isn't like they're characters in a *real* movie anyway). Apparently the malfunction in Carnby's spine leech screwed things up, but why didn't Hudgen get another orphan? And it seems Hudgen stuck another spine-buddy on his assistant. None of this is explained, of course...

Anyway, Hudgen's quest to unleash these creatures from the dark results in him having to track down artifacts from around the world. Did I mention that the "ancient civilation" was a NATIVE AMERICAN ONE?! I guess before the last of them died out they piled into huge futuristic airpships and scattered them all over the world or something.

Anyway, first hour or so is filled with stupid dialogue and lots of plotholes. Carnby had apparently joined the secret government organization that was investigating the paranormal stuff later on, but when he was trying to find out what happened with the orphanage situation, any leads kept getting classified. So he's been out on his own trying to figure it out, and has a friend, Fischer, still there who leaks him some info. Reid's character, Aline Cedrac, works at a museum and Hudgens continues his quest under that cover. Carnby has found an artifact from the ancient civilization, but needs info on it for it to be of any use.

Slater meets up with Reid at the museum. Reid hasn't seem him in years, hugs him, and promptly punches him in the face for not contacted her for all that time. Reid and Slater apparently are ex-boyfriend and girlfriend. Yah.

One of the creatures from the dark...Giger-Alien-esque buggers who this movie SHAMELESSLY calls "Xenos," wrecks the museum and tries to kill Reid and Slater. Military guys bust in and shoot the crap out of things, and Slater doesn't get an info on the situation since it's classified. He clashes with the abrasive Burke, who leads the unit. *shrug*

We learn that gold can contain the evil buggers (and a few other elements conveniently right beside it on the periodic table). Gold's what the ancients used to contain 'em, though.

Anyway, I got a kick out of the sex scene Reid had with Slater for NO EXPLAINED REASON. Poor Slater--they played a song during that where they kept repeating the lyric "Seven seconds away."

Soon after that, the "exciting" part of the movie begins, where Boll ends up ripping off Aliens as best he can (which is pretty damn poorly) Lots of military peeps get killed, Hudgens drops an EVIL POSSESSED TEQUILA WORM into Fischer's mouth, turning him into a possessed mofo and sicks him on Carnby (apparently that's the upgraded version of the spinal thing). Zillions of bullets are fired, they end up at the lab where Hudgen had been conducting his research.

Anyway, the military folks set up camp as they venture into the abandoned gold mine where Hudgen's old lab was. Slater, Reid, and some of the military peeps get sent in, get attacked by evil snake creatures (oooh, I guess that's what that worm was, a baby sand snake).

Poor Ho Sung Pak doesn't even get to kick any ass, as he falls to his death on a bed of spikes (shades of Mortal Kombat 1...), and is squished further by a huge stone column. The surviving team makes their way to the underground lab as Hudgen's Xenos kill pretty damn near the entire unit at base camp. Carnby learns the rest of the info WE KNEW AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE, and almost tries to open the door (but he couldn't have anyway without the rest of the artifacts). Hudgen shows up, getting the last artifact he needs, and opens up the door where all the evil dark realm buggers live. Fight scene occurs, Hudgen is killed, but the door is opened.

"What is it about the gates of hell that compels people to wander into it?!"

Well, after checking in with their flashlights and finding a huge cavern filled with Xenos (and similar-looking species of them), Reid, Slater, and Burke haul ass out of there, closing an outer door but not the ancient's door that had been kept closed...and actually, it seems to hold them. Perhaps the door contained some of those other elements that were capable of holding them...?

Well, I guess we don't find out, because Burke GOES BACK, opens the mechanical outer door, impotently shoots at them, and decides them to BLOW UP THE WHOLE CAVERN!!!? Why? Hell if I know. Anyway, Slater and Reid escape by exiting a storm-celler entrance just as the bomb is going off and fills apparently miles of caverns with fire and brimstone...

Afterwards, Reid and Slater check out the nearby city, which subtitles tell us have been evacuated...Slater seems to think that our civilization was wiped out, though...and nobody is in sight anywhere in the city.

We get the patented Raimi Evil-Force-Cam rushing at Slater and Reid from behind, they turn around, scream, movie ends in a direct rip from Evil Dead II. Disgusted viewers still in the theater get up and wonder what that crap was they just saw.

...at least that's my best attempt to put together a coherent summary. Yes, it's very bad; laughably bad in plenty of places. As funny as Wood's movies? Not by a long shot. Boll has enough of a budget to fix up plenty of the problems Wood was unable to. It's still hilarious to watch, but sadly, there's plenty of padding that you have to sit through in between.

Awful, awful film, but hilariously inept. Take a fellow enthusiast of Deep Hurting and have a hell of a time if you can find another brave enough. You still suck truckloads, Uwe, but for entertainment value you still aren't fit to caress Wood's panties.

It's just a thrown-together summary I posted while it's still fresh in my mind. If you want any clarification on details, I'll do my best to try to explain it, if the movie did at all. Of course, there are lots of things the movie never attempted to make any sense of.

[Anya]

Uh, what? That was really hard to follow.


Liu Kang falling into a pit of spikes is really awesome.

[AndrewTS]

Uh, what? That was really hard to follow.


Liu Kang falling into a pit of spikes is really awesome.

Well, that does give you an idea of what *watching* it was like. Except for the "backstory," that was pretty much chronological.

I don't even know where the Xenos that were already on Earth came from. The only explanation was "they were lurking in the dark" and were already here.

Considering "sunlight in large doses is lethal" I don't even understand how they could take over the world or why they'd want to even cross over.

http://www.boston.com/movies/display?display=movie&id=5771

In ''Alone in the Dark," Boll's organizational and creative shortcomings are made all the more insufferable by a laughable yet unfunny script cobbled together by fledgling screenwriters Elan Mastai, Michael Roesch, and Peter Scheerer. The plot involves an ancient tribe of demon-worshipers, semi-invisible lizard-like creatures trapped between worlds, orphans who are the victims of heinous scientific experiments, greedy treasure hunters, and top-secret government agents.

Slater plays Edward Carnby, a paranormal investigator who was among the victimized orphans, though his memory of those days is spotty. All he knows is that ''being afraid of the dark is what keeps most of us alive." Well, that and the vast arsenal of weapons he keeps in his loft apartment for impromptu firefights with monsters, zombies, and the federal storm troopers he used to work for.

Reid is a brainy anthropologist named Aline, which is totally believable because she sometimes wears glasses and has her hair pulled back in a bun, plus she purses her lips before she says such informed things as, ''Some doors are meant to stay shut." Aline and Ed are old flames who reignite amid the supernatural chaos, sort of like an unwanted dumpster fire.

There's a whole head-splitting, multi-tentacled story line that requires several unintentionally hilarious paragraphs of introduction read out loud at the top of the film. It's beyond pointless to try to reconstruct or deconstruct that nonsense here.

Not even the professional critics can make any damn sense of out it. What do you want from me?! (IMG:http://forums.thesmartmarks.com/style_emoticons/default/tongue.gif)

Although, to gauge its crapdom, I'll say it's better than MK:Annihilation by miles and is a *little* better than RE: A.

[JoeDirt]

I have to see this horrible movie for a few laughs.

[USC Wuz Robbed!]

Nowhere do you mention Dorff.... is he a small time player in this movie?

[AndrewTS]

I have to see this horrible movie for a few laughs.

Oh, I recommend it, but I warn you it's not laugh-a-minute material like Plan 9, MK:A, etc. There's plenty of filler which can make you completely lose interest if you're not patient.

If you do see it, give me your best guess on what the hell the Hudgen/Xenos/spinal modules/artifacts relationship is. I admit I may have missed some details during bathroom breaks.

[AndrewTS]

Nowhere do you mention Dorff.... is he a small time player in this movie?

That's Burke. He's listed as Commander Richards on IMDb, but he's "Richard Burke." He's by far the most enjoyable character in the movie. He hams it up and seems to realize "yeah, this is a shit movie, so I may as well have fun."

[Your Paragon of ...]

Does anyone remember the video game?

I thought it was alright, but out of nowhere they make a movie out of it? Why?

[AndrewTS]

Does anyone remember the video game?

I thought it was alright, but out of nowhere they make a movie out of it? Why?

There were at least 4 video games that I know of.

AitD 1, 2, 3, and The New Nightmare.

I'd seen plot summaries for that basically listed TNN's plot, and while it is the closest to this movie, it's still not the same. No Shadow Island or anything like that, but you do get the same ancient civilization, gate to the demon realm thing. They even die the same way (well, that is, evaporate after death, but they only spring for that effect once in this movie).

I don't know why they made a movie out if it either. TNN came and went a couple years ago with little/no fanfare and was basically the series doing a poor catch-up to Resident Evil gameplay-wise.

[USC Wuz Robbed!]

I guess they figured it was either a good story or they just wanted their own Doom project but using a little-known game instead.

[AndrewTS]

I guess they figured it was either a good story or they just wanted their own Doom project but using a little-known game instead.

The original games were supposedly Lovecraft-inspired (with the monster designs at the very least), but queries in the VGs folder didn't net me any more details. It seems hard to find anyone who actually played the damn thing. The ones who did got fed up with the horrible controls and never actually got very far.

The creator of the AitD series HAND-PICKED BOLL to direct this, so I don't blame Boll, I blame him.

[USC Wuz Robbed!]

It seems hard to find anyone who actually played the damn thing. The ones who did got fed up with the horrible controls and never actually got very far.

Count me as one of the ones who got fed up and didnt play very far.

[Downhome]

"This movie isn’t shit and whoever says it’s shit doesn’t like horror movies." - Uwe Boll on Alone in the Dark

(IMG:http://img154.exs.cx/img154/8555/aloneinthedarkknife1ka8re.gif)

[2GOLD]

Why does he start rubbing his chest?
THAT is acting?

He looks like Redd Foxx faking a heart attack in Sanford and Son.

[Downhome]

As someone said on DVDTalk, "I've always wanted to see a senior citizen jiggle his own breast while firing an M16!"

[AndrewTS]

Great post, Downhome. (IMG:http://forums.thesmartmarks.com/style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

Oh, don't know if it is true or not--but check out this interesting story about Boll...

http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=2649

Oh, and from this person's experience, "Sanctimony" and "Heart of America" were supposedly crap too. (IMG:http://forums.thesmartmarks.com/style_emoticons/default/tongue.gif)

Boll reminds me of Coleman Francis' nephew in that pic.

[Downhome]

Holy crap that was a great read. (IMG:http://forums.thesmartmarks.com/style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

[Si82]

As someone said on DVDTalk, "I've always wanted to see a senior citizen jiggle his own breast while firing an M16!"

(IMG:http://forums.thesmartmarks.com/style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)

And Andrew, that article was fantastic.

Thanks guys.

[Corey_Lazarus]

So yeah...House of the Dead is the greatest horror flick ever.