A Spoonful of Velocity for May 10th, 2003

[Guest TSMAdmin]

The FUCKING BEST PYRO EVER tells us we’re at the top of another exciting week of VELOCITY~!(hits self) I mean, it’s time for another crappy week of IDLING SPEED~!

 

Your hosts are My Name Is Ernest... MEOW~! I’M A KITTY CAT and Generic Josh Matthews.

 

Crash Holly Version 0.5 (w/ 13 year old boy) v. Chavo Guererro: Crash’s new opening is the genius of the gods. It mimics Matt’s with a loading computer screen graphic, but it craps out at 30% and flashes “system failure” on the screen. I was on the FLOOR when I saw that. Why can’t WWE always be that witty? They size each other up, dosey do. Arm drag by Chavo. Chavo kicks at Shannon through the ropes, and I’m already tired of the term “Moore-on.“ It was stupid the first time I heard it, and it’s still stupid. They circle and tie up again,. Another arm drag by Chavo, followed by a hip toss. How boring so far. They trade punches at the ropes. RUTHLESS AGGRESSION~! Shannon climbs on the apron. Chavor is whipped into him, but he baseball slides under Shannon out of the ring. Chavo pulls Shannon off the apron. Chavo goes to get back into the ring, but Crash distracts the referee and Shannon has his way with Chavo. Crash covers for two. Punchy-kicky and a snap mare by Crash into THE CHINLOCK~! Come on Chavo, you should have told Crash in the back that you wanted to put something good on. Cat and Josh make me want to KILL MY TELEVISION by saying that Eddie Guererro is in the back guarding the Angle portrait. Sigh. Chavo works to his feet and elbows out. Chavo hits the ropes but Crash comes back with a tilt-a-whirl back breaker and a cover for two. Crash keeps on Chavo’s back. Version One suplex by Crash, which is a normal vertical suplex preceded by the “V1” hand sign. Nifty. Chavo comes back, and works in some Boots to the gut. Shannon climbs onto the apron, gives Crash the Hardys’ book to use as a weapon and distracts Chioda. Crash swings the book but Chioda sees it and takes it away. Chavo shoulder blocks Crash into Shannon and lifts Crash into the Gory Special. From there the Gory Bomb and the pin. Pretty pedestrian fare.

 

Recap from Smackdown: The FBI go into Brock's dressing room and get him to chase them into an empty dressing room where they lock him inside with a forklift. Thus the main event is changed to Big Show vs Chris Benoit.

 

A word on forklifts, if you’ll indulge me: It is my belief that every wrestling program should include a forklift somehow. Ever since that miserably bad Raw back in October that had the Kane necrophilia (not the episode with the video, but the one previous where HHH accused Kane of it) where Ric Flair was directing HHH with the forklift, and the sheer randomness of it, coming during a falls-count-anywhere match between two other wrestlers, I have been fascinated with the lift that is forked. It’s so much fun, and so useful. Throw a nitrous kit in a forklift, and we’re talking speeds of up to 80 in an unprotected cabin without a seatbelt. THAT is power and fun. Imagine driving that fast with a load of up to a thousand pounds hanging off the front of your vehicle. The experience is so unique that it cannot be forgotten by anyone who experiences it, or is privileged enough to see it.

 

The forklift is law. The forklift is rule.

 

Chuck Palumbo & Johnny Stamboli (w/ Nunzio) v. Two Guys: Guy #1 and Stamboli start. They lock up. Stamboli forces Guy #1 to the corner and pounds him down. Stamboli keeps beating on him, but Guy #1 grabs the knee into a roll up for a near fall. Squash squash squash jobber jobber jobber unti Guy #2 gets a near fall with an Oklahoma roll. Guy #2 throws a kick but Palumbo catches it and throws a still clothesline. Palumbo distracts the referee, allowing Nunzio and Stamboli to show Guy #2 why you don‘t fuck with Italians. More squashing and some near falls, until Guy #2 makes the hot tag (?) to Guy #1. Guy #1 ducks a clothesline and punches Stamboli. Guy #1 is a JOBBER... EN... FUEGO~! (credit: Dames) until more crap happens and Palumbo and Stamboli both hit a double leg takedown on each opponent. Nunzio scolds them and sends them back in to finish the squash because I’m FUCKING BORED. Samoan drop on Guy #2 by Palumbo. Stamboli pounds on Guy #1. Nunzio distracts the referee as Stamboli press slams Hughes. Double team hip toss into a slam by the FBI on Hughes. Palumbo makes the cover for the pin. Wasn’t putting the Undertaker and Nathan Jones supposed to make the FBI look like badasses? Why do we need jobber matches to keep them over?

 

Recap of Smackdown and Torrie‘s latest match with whoever it is that‘s supposed to job to her this week. Oh, Dawn has to job to Torrie again. Crap. Why does Torrie need to keep wrestling and winning even though we’re a month removed from the Playboy issue? It’s just frustrating that she NEVER LOSES. I’m a big women’s wrestling fan, but keep it on Raw, PLEASE.

 

ANOTHER recap of Smackdown: Mr. America stuff. People talk, Mr. America breaks a hip, Stephanie = hot as all get out. That’s all you need to know about this whole thing. Seriously girl, dump Hunter and get with me, my genitals aren’t shrunken from steroid use, I hear you like it in the ass, and I’m down with that. Come on girl, I’ve wanted to hit that since you were first on WWF TV! I was like “Sweet holy fuck, Vince had himself a fucking hot-assed daughter! I’ve GOTTA poke her!” Then I heard about you getting with that caveman-looking punk. He doesn’t want you for you! He wants you for your booking power! I want you for you! MAN do I want you for you! Well, you’ve gone and gotten engaged now, I guess you can’t be talked out of it. Too bad. We’d have been perfect together. Just do me one favor: GIVE ME MORE BENDING OVER SHOTS!!!! Man, I must have watched that fifteen times, and thought about it twice as many times, if you get my drift.

 

Oh yeah, and Hunter eats poop. You really want to marry a poopeater?

 

Sean O’Haire v. Smackdown’s #1 Announcer: O’Haire charges right at Funaki, but Funaki evades him. GO FUNAKI~! Funaki ducks a clothesline and hits quick punches to the face. YEAH!!! O’Haire shakes them off and misses another clothesline. FUCK!!! More punches by Funaki. WHOOOO!! O’Haire picks Funaki up and hurls him into the corner. DAMMIT!!! O’Haire stands menacingly over Funaki. Son, you’d best back the FUCK off or Funaki will summon his NIPPONIBILITIES~! and FUCK YOUR WORLD UP. Funaki rolls under a clothesline and ducks a spinning heel kick. FUCK YEAH! O’Haire is somehow absorbing all the Nipponibilities and living to tell the tale! O‘Haire kicks Funaki in the head, and again, stands over Funaki and growls. Snap mare by O’Haire and a cover for a 2-count. Kick to the back by O’Haire. Head twist by O’Haire but Funaki doesn’t submit. Another kick to the back by O’Haire. Funaki punches out of a head twist and heads to the ropes, but O’Haire catches him with a kick, so Funaki rolls out of the ring. O’Haire rolls Funaki back in. Funaki hits a reverse DDT from O’Haire’s shoulders. BOOYAKAH!!! Funaki ducks a clothesline and hits a tornado DDT. TAKE THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!!!... O’Haire kicks out. Funaki goes for a cross body but O’Haire catches him, hoists him up onto his shoulders and hits his finisher thingie for the pin. Funaki was clearly letting O’Haire win.

 

Make me feel better about losing Stephanie.