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Raw from JHawk's Beak (April 21, 2003)

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Guest TSMAdmin

Raw from JHawk's Beak (4/21/2003)

by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

 

E-Mail of the Week: Dave Lipman did a little research and sent along this one:

 

No mention of Tough Enough on WWE.com and no more WWEToughEnough.com site. And Maven and Al Snow take on Three Minute Warning on Heat. I smell John, Matt, Jonah, and Eric, and I smell them soon.

 

I had originally agreed with at least John and Matt, but I've been thinking about that all week long, and here's what I determined. I don't think we're going to see those Tough Enough competitors anytime soon. When do the Tough Enough people usually come in and get a push? Usually right around the time the new season's starting. With no more website, Tough Enough might have gotten the boot, and if it has gotten the boot, then you won't see Matt or John until they're 100% ready.

 

Then again, this is WWE we're talking about, isn't it?

 

Forums Quote of the Week: Why y'all are lookin' at JLH's ears when her chest is RIGHT THERE, I'll never know. -Sandman9000, during an argument over whether Jennifer Love Hewitt's ears should disqualify her from the Miss Smartmarks III championship

 

Time for the usual cheap plug, as we've made our way to the Sweet 16 in the TSM Mat Madness tournament. Three matches came within one vote last week, and at least one match is very close already, so get your votes in now. Voting continues through sometime Sunday morning, depending on when I get in Saturday night.

 

They say I'm never happy, and yet I don't make these arguments: The beautiful thing about having a column on a site like this is the interaction with other wrestling fans. And I can not only talk to "smart" fans via our Forums and other websites, but I also can chat with casual fans via e-mail lists and just going places in general. And I'm always amazed at some of the conversations I end up having with other fans.

 

One thing that has come up over the last couple of weeks is the upcoming SmackDown Title Match at Backlash with Brock Lesnar and John Cena. Some casual fans are pissed because Cena "hasn't beaten anybody" or "hasn't paid his dues". Which proves to me that beating The Undertaker means nothing with three people helping out. But I digress.

 

Here's the thing. We've all been saying "I'm tired of seeing the same people in main events all the time. Build new stars." And while I understand that we're all frustrated that Raw refuses to do that because Paul Levesque-McMahon holds the Raw Title, SmackDown is at least making the effort.

 

Will Cena win the title Sunday? Probably not (nor should he). But Brock has gotten way over despite all the resentment from the Push from Hell last summer. If Cena can come close to taking the title (and the crowd buys into it at all), then it could push Cena to the top in no time.

 

The problem at that point would be WWE capitalizing on it.

 

This is why you should never insult our intelligence: I was reading through my archives today and I stumbled upon this little gem from the June 24, 2002 edition of Raw. Booker T asked Vince McMahon for a one-on-one match against the nWo, and Vince was explaining why Booker wasn't getting his match.

 

It won't be Booker T vs. Kevin Nash because Nash is still hurt, and if Nash doesn't live up to expectations when he's healthy, he'll be on the unemployment line with Scott Hall.

 

Tearing a quad in his comeback match must have been "living up to expectations", huh? And instead of being on the unemployment line as promised, Kevin Nash is the likely top contender for Judgment Day. God help us all.

 

Tonight: The Rock Concert II! Booker T vs. Triple H for the World Heavyweight Championship! The final push to Backlash! How many people will spend $35 on this garbage? TUNE IN TO FIND OUT!

 

Segment 1

 

The Man WHOO! is backstage with Easy E. Bisch brought Nash back under the pretense that the Clique would reunite. Check. So he books the six man tag for Backlash. Check. Compelling television. And giving Triple H one week's notice for a title match? Check. And there's a special referee: Shawn Michaels. Fuck this! That worked so goddamn well when it was HHH vs. RVD, huh? Bischoff wants Flair to calm down and take his frustrations out on somebody else.

 

Cue the opening.

 

Pyro! Pan the crowd! We're live from the Philips Arena in Hotlanta! The Rock Concert II! Triple H vs. Booker T for the World Heavyweight Title!

 

Your hosts are Coach and The Pharaoh!

 

One fall: Y2J+3 vs. The Hurricane

 

Give this one ten minutes! Hurricane with a kick to the groin at the bell and a flying clothesline. Jericho slides to the floor for a Tastykake break. Baseball slide by Hurricane, followed by a slingshot somersault plancha. Back into the ring, and a slingshot Oklahoma roll for 2. Jericho counters a rana with a power bomb, and right into the Walls of Jericho. Hurricane reaches the bottom rope. Series of elbowdrops by Jericho. Back suplex. Backbreaker as Coach gives Fozzy tour dates. Elbows to the back, and into a chinlock (with a knee to the back). Psychology on Raw. I like it! Irish whip, but Hurricane counters with a swinging DDT. Flying clothesline. Corner whip into a flying neckbreaker for 2. The Overcast (Blockbuster) misses. Jericho with a bulldog, but he misses the Lionsault. Shining enzuigiri by Hurricane for 2.9999999999999 (and the crowd boos). Jericho misses a dropkick...and Hurricane can't get the walls of Jericho and slingshots him into the corner. Jericho avoids it by hopping on the second turnbuckle, but jumps into a Hurrichokeslam for a long 2. Eye of the Hurricane, but Jericho grabs Jack Doan by the shirt to prevent it, then gets in the Walls of Jericho for the submission win in 6:00. **1/2 Out comes Ric Flair, and he's taking his frustrations out on The Hurricane for pinning him last week. Flair does a vintage beatdown on the floor and sends him into the ring, then into the Figure-Four Leglock! Finally four referees pry Flair off the Hurricane. Cue his music!

 

A limo pulls up backstage, and it's Rocky wants to be in pictures arriving on the scene. "It's not 'boo', it's The Rock Concert TWO, live in Rocklanta!"

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Good stuff to open tonight. Hot damn I enjoyed that match. Good psychology with Jericho focusing on the back, Hurricane gets to look strong even in defeat, and the beatdown comes after the match, so you can't say you feel cheated by a run-in finish or something. Is that really that hard a template to focus on? "I'm pissed since you beat me last week." Easy storytelling that makes sense!

 

Segment 2

 

One fall with a 5 minute time limit: Rodney Mack (w/Theodore Long) vs. ??? Evans (thanks to the back of his tights)

 

Long hollers at us playas. Everybody knows The Man is trying to keep Mack off Raw, so it's the five minute Whitey Challenge. He'll beat any white athlete within five minutes. How about a name for the opponent? Apparently not, as Long joins the broadcast booth. Hard clothesline by Mack. Token offense by the white boy, but Mack regains control as Coach calls Long racist. Mack wins it with a running powerslam in 1:46. DUD Long refuses to let the referee raise Mack's hand.

 

Booker T is backstage, and he's found the Holy Bible Kid. What's up with Shawn refereeing? Even Shawn doesn't know. Booker knows he's the odd man out at Backlash, but last week when Booker hit Shawn, it was an accident. Last June 10 in this arena, Shawn's superkick nearly knocked Booker's head off, so they're even. Which is how Shawn better call the match. Shawn can dig that.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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I'm still not backing the Mack since he still isn't doing anything, but this challenge has some potential (particularly if some new signee can last the five minutes). And I'm not backing the main event, because the last time I saw Shawn Michaels referee a World Title Match, it made Rob Van Dam look even weaker than a standard Triple H match made him look. What good can possibly come out of this?

 

Segment 3

 

Earlier today, Goldberg visited Ft. McPherson.

 

Coach introduces Lita to the Atlanta crowd. That's a rather anemic pop, isn't it? She gets the mic (NOOOOOOOOOOOO!), and it has been a long year since she hurt her neck "filming Dark Angel". It has been far too long since she's wrestled in this ring, but she's got her clearance...and she's interrupted by Eric Bischoff. Bisch tells Coach to head back to the booth, and by the way, Coach, you're much better than JR. I wouldn't go that far. Now he addresses Lita. She is amazing. Give it up for her. THERE's the pop. She really impresses Bischoff. She's talented beyond wrestling in the ring. And he starts checking her out. It's about time we expose some of her talent "if you know what I mean". He heard that she's allowed to train again, so it's another two months before she can wrestle. And that means she's worthless. But Bisch has a solution to that problem. What if Lita could get the same PR for Raw that Torrie Wilson got for SmackDown? Lita says she'll be in Playboy, but not because she was forced into it. Bischoff would never force anybody to do anything, but there's another problem. How can she pose for Playboy if he hasn't seen the goods himself? So let's solve that problem after the show with a "private audition". But before she answers, give him a good reason to make the pitch to Playboy. Make that every reason...to keep her on the payroll. Lita: "Since you put it to me that way...go to Hell!" Bischoff is pissed, and he fires her on the spot. Wow, career suicide. Smart move.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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OK, we get it. Eric Bischoff fires anybody who pisses him off. Good good. The problem: Lita will now be on SmackDown, which doesn't have the Women's Title. Somebody wasn't thinking too clearly. Of course, in real life there's a huge sexual harassment suit being filed here. (Don't give them any ideas.) Sorry. Boring tripe.

 

Segment 4

 

Live in Atlanta.

 

Flair is with Hungry Hungry Hippos explaining what happened with Bischoff. But Hunter's pissed about the referee and not the match. Flair says they can find some insurance, and Hunter's got an idea. Gee, lemme guess.

 

Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Three Minute Warning (w/Rico) vs. Test (w/My Future Wife) and Big Poppa Steroid Pump

 

Now at the booth...Christopher Nowinski. Nowinski claims self-defense in bringing 3MW out last week. Steiner in and clotheslining both opponents. Belly-to-belly to Jamal, but not to Rosey. Side slam by Rosey, and a splash by Jamal. Double elbowdrop, and Jamal covers for 2. Bow-and-arrow by Jamal! He releases and covers for 2. Rosey tagged in and working over Steiner. Tag to Jamal, but not to Test. Jamal misses the flying splash, and there's the hot tag to Test. Now it's Test clotheslining each man. Pumphandle powerslam to Jamal, Rosey's save backfires, and Rico kicks Stacy off the apron. Steiner comes to her aid. In the ring, Test with a big boot for Rosey, but he sees Steiner and Stacy hugging, which leads to an avalanche by Jamal. Running BUTT bump, but Steiner tags himself in and hits Jamal with an inverted DDT for the pin in 3:45. Ugh. DUD Postmatch, Test and Stacy argue as Lawler acknowledges this has happened before.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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HHHater Clock: One segment, 57 seconds

 

I'm not a big fan of this angle, and the casual fans apparently aren't either, as the only real reaction was from Rico kicking Stacy off the apron. The impending Test-Steiner match will suck hard. But at least they actually remembered this happened a month or two ago. The match was a waste of time overall.

 

Segment 5

 

Test accuses Steiner of hogging the limelight, but Steiner says they owe him. Stacy thanks him. Steiner: "Stacy, you're welcome. Test..." There's a bird for him.

 

Big Lazy Cool enters Bischoff's locker room, and Nash said he was brought in to bring them back together. Bisch can't control everybody, and Nash says he won't be controlled. "You're stirring the pot, and you got me in the middle of this." Bisch tells him to just pick a side to get out of the middle. He picks his side--"the winning side".

 

We're setting up for the Rock Concert II. Rah. And backstage, Rock is rehearsing when Someone Feed Terri asks what we can expect. Rock says the best night of TV ever. Rock has a surprise, "but don't look at the People's booty too long."

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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They didn't really give me much to work with here. I can't say the Nash angle's a total bomb with Joe Everyfan, but I personally haven't become magically interested in it yet.

 

Segment 6

 

It's concert time, and thus far The Rock's the most over guy in Hotlanta. Anybody else worried they'll actually give us most of the second hour? Rocky lets Lillian Garcia feel his bicep. She's still waiting on that strudel from what I understand, however. HUGE reaction for The Rock tonight. We start with some a capella. Well, we will when the Goldberg chant dies down. "Georgia/Georgia/The whole day through/Just an in-bred hick state/Which The Rock will leave behind. Goldberg/Bill Goldberg/No peace I find/The thought of whipping your big whisker buscuit ass/Keeps Goldberg on my mind." I like it! Rock makes sure that some people actually paid money to see Goldberg. Rock wanted Goldberg here to listen to every note of the concert. So without any further ado, he introduces Goldberg. But it's actually Gillberg. ::chuckle:: Well, we know how this is going to end, but it's going to be fun anyway. What does he have to say Atlanta's fans? Some grunting. Rock: "You spit all on the mic. What is this?" Rock wants to ease Goldberg's nervousness before Backlash, so let's do another song to the tune of "The Devil Went Down to Georgia". "Goldberg will choke just like the Braves". Ouch. Gillberg even stomps to the chorus, and this is hilarious! But cut backstage to a car pulling in, and out comes the real Goldberg. He eyes the limo and thinks "Can I break the windows to this one without severing a tendon?" Here comes security, "looking like a bunch of little Oompa Loompas", to wait on Goldberg. Rocky tells Gillberg that he won't let Goldberg to anything to him because "Goldberg doesn't have the balls to face The Rock". Down the aisle he comes, and the crowd is HOT for Goldberg. Rocky starts clearing the ring and calls Goldberg in, and he breaks through security as Rocky leaves the ring. Now Goldberg's surrounded. Rocky wants him escorted out of the ring, and one guard makes the mistake of trying it, so Goldberg clears the ring. Gillberg gets some shots in, and in comes Rocky...ROCK BOTTOM! Goldberg stands just as Rocky hits the top of the stage, and Rocky sees it on the Titantron and takes off, with Goldberg close behind. Cut backstage, and Rocky takes off slowly in his limo while Goldberg walks toward it. Into his car, and off he goes...except the car stalls as he backs it out. This is like Hogan and the motorcycle all over again. So he takes off on foot. BUT WAIT! Rocky never got in the limo, and he's still in the building!

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Hilarious stuff until Goldberg made his appearance, and the fact that Gillberg didn't get a spear shocks the hell out of me. But it doesn't necessarily make me want to order the match for Backlash. However, the live crowd was incredibly hot for this one, so my opinion on the usefulness of this segment is inconsequential.

 

Segment 7

 

Intergender Tag Team Match: L'il Spike Dudley and Trish the Cheating Bitch (WWE Women's Champion) vs. The Reinstated Damn Dudley Boyz

 

Before the opponents are introduced, Chief Morley decides he has to introduce the opponents to announce they're getting a shot at RVD and Kane at Backlash. What the fuck did Trish do to piss Morley off? Oh, it's punishment for Bubba Ray and D-Von, I think. Bubba Ray power bombs Spike, and Morley tells D-Von to prove his loyalty by going after Trish...and Bubba does it for him. "Now finish the job! Put her ass through a table!" D-Von's reluctant, even with Bubba insisting, and D-Von tells Bubba "Get your own table!" Bubba and D-Von argue with each other, and Morley slides the table in. Here come Rob...........Van..........Dam and Kane to make the save. Choke Slam for Morley, and now a four way brawl on the floor. Now out come Teddy Long and Jazz, and into the double chickenwing faceslam (now dubbed the "Bitch Slam") onto the folded table. No match, no rating.

 

Rocky's found a stagehand, and he wants the ring set up for an encore. Fuck.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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OK, this is starting to get ridiculous now. We had to cram two PPV build-ups into a four minute segment, and then we go straight to another part of the Rock concert? The segment was fine once, but shouldn't you make the effort to make us care about the undercard if we're going to pay $35 to see it? Oh wait. WWE. Logic. I keep forgetting.

 

Segment 8

 

Nash and Hunter are talking at the top of a stairwell.

 

Rocky is back in the ring for an encore. Since it took "all of two seconds to outsmart Goldberg", it shouldn't take long to win the match at Backlash. Another song a capella. But before he can finish, Goldberg comes out through the crowd and gets his beatdown back. And from behind comes ChrisTIAN! He gets Goldberg down, and now it's Rocky's turn. But Goldberg comes back. Out goes Rocky. Spear to Christian, but in comes Rocky with a steel chair. And it's chair beatdown time! Goldberg starts getting up, so Rocky does more chair shots. Once again Goldberg is up as Rocky gets to the top of the ramp.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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HHHater Clock: Two segments, 1:10.

 

Couldn't they have just done that the first time? You could have done the exact same thing in segment 6 and kept segment 8 open for another match. That did a better job of actually building the PPV match, but it didn't get the same type of crowd reaction. And it actually made more sense from a storytelling standpoint. Go figure.

 

By the way, it has now been four segments without a match (the "intergender tag team match" doesn't count). If my math's right, that's somewhere around 45 minutes. And you people want to know why I've trashed this show at least 35 times in the last 50 weeks.

 

Segment 9

 

Your hosts show the replay, and then run down the Backlash card. The Rock vs. Goldberg! Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena! RVD and Kane vs. The Dudley Boyz! Rikishi vs. Sean O'Haire! Trish Stratus vs. Jazz! Team Angle vs. Los Guerreros! The Big Show vs. Rey Misterio Jr.! And Triple H/Ric Flair/Chris Jericho vs. Booker T/Shawn Michaels/Kevin Nash!

 

Nash knocks on HBK's door, and apparently Hunter wants to talk to him...behind closed doors. The match is next!

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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HHHater Clock: Three segments, 1:25. At least they're giving this two segments, because if they didn't this entire card would be a wash. It still might be a wash, since there's no way to book this and actually put Booker T over the top.

 

Segment 10

 

One fall for the World Heavyweight Championship with special referee the Holy Bible Kid: Hungry Hungry Hippos (champion w/The Man WHOO getting further and further into the background every week) vs. Booker T

 

I really want to be excited about this, and I can't be. Shawn actually goes over instructions like this is an important match. Lockup, into the corner, break, lockup, corner, clean break. Shawn yells at both men. "Let's go Booker" chant. Booker comes out of the corner with a clothesline. An exchange of punches and chops. Booker gets in a flying forearm for 2. Leg lariat for 2. Side slam for 2. Hunter desperately sends Booker to the floor, but Booker is ready for Flair this time. Hunter to the floor, and Booker gets the advantage and brings it back to the ring as a "Booker T" chant starts. Out comes Jericho for no apparent reason. Booker wants to go up top, but he's staring at Jericho, and Hunter knocks him off the apron to enable Jericho to get some cheap shots in.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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HHHater Clock: Four segments, 8:45. I feel bad for this crowd, as they want to cheer for Booker T but can't get any steam behind it because they have no faith in a title change happening tonight. Kinda slow but decent so far.

 

Segment 11

 

We're back as Hunter has the Sleeperhold of Supreme Suckitude on Booker. Booker sends Hunter into the buckle to break it, but Hunter gets a spinebuster for 2. Nice vertical suplex. Kneedrop for 2. Booker blocks a turnbuckle smash with one of his own, and here's the comeback...which is stopped short with a high knee for a series of near falls. Chokehold. Knee to the back. And another. Reverse neckbreaker for 2 as Hunter weakens the neck for the Pedigree. Booker starts another comeback. Trading blows. Another sleeper by Hunter. Remember when people used to pop for this hold? The arm drops once...twice...but not three times because it isn't 1987 anymore. Booker elbows out of it but gets met with a knee to the midsection. Ducks a clothesline...superkick by Booker T! OUCH! Booker fighting back! Leg lariat! Forearms and punches. Clothesline. Hunter with an elbow and up to the middle rope...but he gets a leg lariat for a near fall that pisses the crowd off. Vertical suplex, and Booker heads up top. Missile dropkick, and the ropes saves Triple H! Booker drops the head and eats a knee, then Hunter gets a DDT for 2. Whip, reversal, Hunter ducks a Scissor Kick. Pedigree...NO! Countered...Scissor Kick! Flair to the apron and down! Jericho to the apron and down. Cover...FUCK! Side slam, and Hunter heading up top...and Hunter shoves HBK into the ropes to crotch Booker T. The cover, but only for 2. Flair distracts HBK, Booker counters a Pedigree, and there's another Scissor Kick. And in comes Jericho with the title belt. Damn it! The cover, HBK sees the belt in the ring, and he won't count. Flair to the apron, and Shawn punches him. Sweet Chin Music to HHH! Booker covers...and Jericho hits Michaels! WHAT THE FUCK? Here comes Nash, who gets Flair and Jericho out of the ring. He helps up Triple H, and Hunter tells him about the superkick. This match is technically in progress. Nash to HBK...and HHH kicks Nash in the groin from behind. Hunter tells him "That's where I stand"...and Hunter's leaving. No contest at 19:21, and goddamn it, you can't even book a fucking finish to an advertised fucking match! *3/4

 

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END OF SHOW

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HHHater Clock: Five segments, 21:31. And the hell with this garbage! Even if Booker T can't win (and I was wrong, because he never did get beat so he almost looks strong by default), is it really that goddamn hard to book a finish? We went an hour without a match, and you can't even give us a finish when we finally get one? Is it really that much to ask? Dammit!

 

Overall, an OK card when it focused on the wrestling, but too much focus on the Clique lovefest, too much focus on Rock-Goldberg (that could have been cut in half no problem), little focus on the other half of the Raw portion of the PPV, and then the focus on the stuff that has nothing at all to do with Backlash. TEST got more airtime than RVD, and RVD's the one on the PPV (we think). Somebody needs to figure out where their priorities are and book toward them NOW!

 

Think about it. RVD has a PPV match. Jazz has a PPV match. And Rodney Mack, who has been on Heat for over a month now, got more TV time that both of them combined. To put it into another perspective: Some unnamed jobber got more airtime RV fucking D! And this is built around what the fans want to see?

 

As always, send me feedback.

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