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Raw from JHawk's Beak (5/06/2002)

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Guest TSMAdmin

Raw (5/6/2002)

by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

 

This Week in Wrestling History: Stanislaus Zbyszko defeated Ed "Strangler" Lewis in New York to win a version of the World Heavyweight Title on May 6, 1921. Why yes, I am full of useless information, and you'll get to see it twice every week. Right here. On thesmartmarks.com! Thumbs up. Cheap pop.

 

And we accidentally kick off our new era in a new era for World Wrestling Federation entertainment, as this is the first show under the "WWE" banner. So as of May 6, all current title holders will be recognized by me as being the first ever whatever title they hold champion. New name, new lineage as far as I'm concerned. I'd bet Bruno Sammartino would agree with me.

 

Segment 1

 

Open with a cute ad to justify the switch from WWF to WWE. Forgive me if I don't use WWE anymore than I have to.

 

We are live from the Civic Center in Hartford, Connecticut, fresh off the heels of the unmentioned WWF--er, WWE Insurrextion pay-per-view. Tonight, the nWold vs. Steve Austin, Bradshaw, and The Man (WHOO!)! And we kick off with wrestling!

 

No Disqualification Match for the WWE Women's Championship: Trish Stratus vs. Jazz (w/Hardcore Stevie Richards)

 

OK, it's a chick fight disguised as wrestling. Close enough for me. Richards won the Hardcore Title last week, but no mention of the multiple switch at Insurrextion. JR becomes the first to slip, saying "The WWE. World Wrestling Feder--Entertainment!" Trish blows a sunset flip early. Chops in the corner. It takes 35 seconds to start the "We Want Puppies" chant. Jazz sends Trish to the floor and Trish holds her back. I'll massage it for her and make it better. No? Damn! Back inside the ring, and Jazz focuses on the back. Double underhook suplex. And another, and a cover for 2. Choke against the ropes. Cover for 2. Double chickenwing, and a shot at the Hardcore Title shows they've incorporated the new logo on the back of the belts. Trish with a kick to the face, Stratusfaction, and Richards pulls Jack Doan out of the ring at 2. Stevie with the Steviekick, and Jazz covers for 3 at 3:12. And out comes Bubba Ray Dudley with a trash can and a referee. Flip flop and fly, a shot for Jazz, and Bubba is going for wood. JR translates for the hearing impaired, even though they wouldn't hear him anyway. Richards takes a shot at him, but misses and gets caught with the Bubba Bomb and the hardcore title at 1:02. Out comes Raven, and in 12 seconds, he wins the Hardcore Title. Out comes Justin Credible, and he wins the title in 3 seconds. Out comes Crash, and a missile dropkick leads to a six second match for the title. Bubba with the trash can, and Trish covers in 16 seconds for the title. Bubba grabs her, Trish counters with a fire extinguisher, and Trish lets go. Bubba reaches for whoever is in front, which turns out to be Trish, and a blind Bubba puts Trish through the table. Stevie covers after 44 seconds, and ends up walking out of there with the title. Bubba's awake now, and realizing he put Trish through the table, he picks her up and carries her out of the ring.

 

The nWo are on their way to the ring to waste time.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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OK, I'm confused. JR was trying to pass it off like Bubba thought Trish was Jazz. And then Bubba's all apologetic and carries her to the back. Um...he was about to put her through the table before he got blinded anyway. Why would he care if he had Jazz or not? He didn't give a shit who he had, he just wanted to put someone through a table. Anyway, six hardcore title changes by my count, and while it was entertaining, it was essentially been there, done that, sent the postcard two years ago. The women's match itself was OK, nothing spectacular, but Stevie helping Jazz win makes her look weak, and just when she was singlehandedly turning the division into something worthwhile, while at the same time getting Trish over as the babyface who just can't quite take the title.

 

Segment 2

 

Luckily the nWo is already at the ring when we return. We're apparently trying to save time this week. Let's go back to when we were the WWF two weeks ago, and The Too Damn Big Show's unsurprising turn. He says he owns Austin, which makes me very afraid to drop the soap in the shower. Show: "You say 'what' and I'll break every one of you in half." Show's reason for turning is he went from WrestleMania main eventer to emcee at WWF New York within two years and a preliminary match on Heat a month later. The common denominator...Austin wasn't around at WrestleMania 2000. Essentially, he was being held down, but now there's no stopping him. The nWo just got bigger, and there's nothing Austin or Flair can do about it. And cue "Also Spake Zarathrusta" or however you spell it, and here comes The Nature Boy! Flair says he wishes he had Show's physical attributes, but he was 16-time World Champion because he busted his ass. And now Flair apologizes for last week, but he called it the way he saw it, and if X-Pac doesn't like it, "Tough sh[bEEP]!" Flair spends two minutes saying he's in the main event, which we knew a week ago. Maybe somebody was staying at Osama bin Laden's cave last week and hadn't actually heard that yet. Hall with the stick, and apparently the nWo has a surprise of their own for Mr. Flair tonight, and it's going to change the history of this company forever. Well, the history will be about 2 hours and 7 minutes old at that point, so I guess it would have to be true.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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My guess: a new nWo member. I pray to God it isn't Ric Flair. At least it was fairly short (and fairly logical) this week.

 

Segment 3

 

We are live from the Hartford Civic Center!

 

One fall for the WWE European Championship: William Regal vs. Spike Dudley

 

We finally mention Insurrextion, and Spike rolled his left ankle during a defense against Regal but retained the title with a small package. Regal used the brass knuckles to the ankle after the match. Which means Regal has to win the title with a submission, correct? Spike is limping, and we're told this was signed prior to Insurrextion even though we never heard of it before 3 p.m. Regal with the stick, and he admires Spike's courage. He offers Spike the chance to forfeit the title, or he gets a thrashing. Spike admits he can barely walk and maybe should forfeit. But he's not going to. Cheap right hand before the bell. Regal right away goes for the injured ankle. Bodyslam with the ankle landing on the ropes. Nice spot. Half crab/toehold combo (with the boot to the neck) by Regal, and Spike taps for the title change at 36 seconds. If Lillian says "WWE" one more time I'm going to shoot myself. Regal declares himself to be the Honky Tonk Man of the European division after the match. And Regal works on Spike's ankle some more. Back with the toehold, and D'Lo Brown is out to make the save.

 

Backstage, Double A confirms the nWo said they have a surprise, so Flair's on his way to the nWo locker room.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Good angle in the European Title match. Smartly booked (the submission was the only way to go at that point), and they give D'Lo a logical feud, as D'Lo was always proud of the European Title reigns he had. Seven title changes plus 3 segments equals ratings. We call that "McMahon Math". But my scary thought (and scary prediction) of the evening...it isn't Flair joining the nWo. It's Arn Anderson. Which makes about as much sense. Zero. Unless they book it as Arn's a spy for Flair and we have a reformed Horsemen on our way. But let's wait for the official announcement of the "surprise" to talk about that, shall we?

 

Segment 4

 

Earlier today, Booker T was at 7-11 trying to avoid Goldust...and get his prematch ritual Slurpee. Booker notes they're sold out of Booker T cups. I wasn't even aware Booker had his own cup...oh, that's the joke. To quote Gilda Radner, "Never mind." Booker taunts an RVD poster. Then he goes to pay for his Slurpee, but he runs into Goldust (who is incognito, but wearing his Goldust outfit under his disguise). Anyway, Goldust is upset because Booker is teaming with Eddy Guerrero tonight. Goldust forgives him, but adds, "If you just let me have a drink of your Slurpee, I'll let you have a bite of my wiener." Booker: "Back the hell up! We're through!" I didn't even know they were dating.

 

Saturday at Insurrextion, Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman told Shawn Stasiak not to tag in against the Hardy Boyz, but he didn't listen and got destroyed by Brock Lesnar for his trouble. We are moments away from Lesnar-Stasiak II.

 

Into the nWo locker room, and nobody is there except Flair. Flair finds an APA hat, so we're supposed to believe Bradshaw is joining the nWo. Uh huh.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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I'm glad we're getting some footage of Insurrextion to help set some of these matches up, as it makes the UK shows seem more relevant to the storylines. The Goldust-Booker skits remain comic gold, but I can't help but wonder if the eventual match is going to be decent enough to make it worthwhile. And I like them developing the shadow of doubt with the nWo's surprise, but I'm sticking with my prediction of Arn Anderson joining the nWo.

 

Segment 5

 

Backstage, The Underredneck has arrived on his motorcycle, and he tells a stagehand to watch his bike because he won't be long. And the nWo is watching the entrance. Hmmm...

 

One fall: Shawn Stasiak vs. Brock Lesnar (w/Paul Heyman)

 

Stasiak is pissed as he waits for Lesnar. Lesnar announced at 295 pounds this week. At this rate he'll be 400 pounds by SummerSlam. Lawler slips and says "WWF", then goes, "Well, I'm trying to get the F out." The bell rings, and Stasiak actually gets a shot or two in before Lesnar takes him down with a drop toehold and dominates. It looked like Stasiak sold a shoulderblock before Lesnar actually threw it. "Goldberg" chant by the crowd. Heh. Huge spinebuster as Heyman shouts "Hurt him! Set an example! Hurt him!" Huge powerslam as Heyman continues to yell. There's that fireman's carry into whatever (it's not a flapjack, not a DDT, but something in between), and Lesnar puts one foot on him for the pin at 2:06. Total squash and rightfully so, although name that damn finisher already.

 

Taker is apparently on his way to the ring...nope, he's looking for his bike. The attendant says Hogan took it.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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So let's see. We saw Taker come in on the bike, the NWO in the area...and Hogan took the bike? I'm not buying it. Could this be an elaborate setup that ends with Taker joining the nWo? Could it be Triple H playing mind games? Could it be the writing team never thought that far ahead? I'd go with the latter. And what exactly was Taker doing that only needed a two minute match for, anyway? Maybe I already said that one.

 

Segment 6

 

Your hosts are Good Ol' JR and The King, and we relive Taker's beating of Hogan last week. [comic store guy voice] Best...recap...ever. [/end comic store guy voice]

 

And out to the ring comes Hollywood Hogan, to "Rollin'" and on Undertaker's bike. Wow, the guy told the truth. Did we just tip the hand that Hogan's leaving the nWo was a setup all along? I'll still go with Arn for now. Hogan cupping the hand to the ear for cheers, and he's trying harder than he should have to if he's really over enough to be champion. And he will forever be the first ever WWE Heavyweight Champion. Depressing, innit? Decent pop, but they're exaggerating the hell out of it. And Hogan with the stick to ruin my day, as now he's getting a good pop. I'd turn the channel if I wasn't recapping this. Hogan is calling Taker out, and he's holding his bike hostage unless he comes out. Taker finally comes out and stops at the top of the stage. Taker knows Hogan has a bike and should know not to touch somebody else's bike. He's sent people to the hospital for looking at his motorcycle funny...get your mind out of the gutter. Hogan has one chance to get off the motorcycle or he'll kick his teeth...Hogan cuts him off. Hogan: "Are you actually going to do something, or are you just going to stand up there like the bitch you are?" Hogan's going to bring the bike to him. And he can't get it started. There's only an hour left in the show, Terry. Taker goes backstage, so Hogan runs after him and we cut to the broadcast booth. Lawler is trying not to laugh. We can hear the motorcycle and the camera's still on the announcers. HE GOT IT TO WORK! I think this one's going into Wrestlecrap folklore right next to The Shockmaster. Cut backstage to Hogan riding the bike. Lawler: "Don't turn off the engine." He can't find Taker. Which he might be able to if he could work the Harley at all. Hogan stops in front of a semi. Off goes the engine, so I hope he doesn't need the bike anymore. Hogan realizes he's in front of a semi, and he threatens to run the bike over if Taker doesn't come out. The semi just happens to have a WWE logo on it, and before we can see what happens to the bike....

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Hogan trying to start the bike was as funny as The Shockmaster losing his helmet going through the wall. Credit JR and Lawler with keeping a (mostly) straight face through the whole ordeal. I think this is further proof that when Vince bought WCW, he bought all the production gaffs to go with it. And yes, I know the semi is probably a ring truck, but I'm trying to get used to saying "WWE" instead of "WWF" so I don't piss the pandas off. It's cold in here. Now where is that cheetah skin coat?

 

Segment 7

 

We're back, and Hogan finally runs over the (replaced) motorcycle. And Hogan runs after Taker.

 

One fall: Rob...Van...Dam and Jeff Hardy vs. Eddy Guerrero and Booker T

 

Lawler gets cut off by the Slam of the Week. Which was from two weeks ago. Another WCW-like production glitch? Sadly, I don't think so Matt left Lita to go to London, but he's back with Lita. Did Lita have surgery? I think I missed that the first 20 times JR mentioned that. Eddy and RVD to start. Wrestling sequence to start and a good pop from the crowd. Series of flipping counters, and RVD takes Eddy down with a superkick. Booker tagged in. Forearms and chops by Booker, then he stomps RVD down. Whip reversed, RVD with shoulders in the corner and his backflip move out of it. Side kick, tag to Hardy. Hardy going to work on both guys until Eddy uses the heelish knee to the back. Jeff plays face in peril. Scissor kick by Booker, and into the Spinaroonie. Cover for 2 and the save by RVD. Had he covered before the spinaroonie he might have caught RVD napping. Hardy misses a dropkick but Booker sells it anyway. DDT by Hardy, and we appear to have our double tag spot coming. Yep. Eddy charges RVD in the corner but RVD moves. HUGE monkey flip! Stepover heel kick by RVD. RVD ranas Booker over. I hope Lita's taking notes at home. Rolling Thunder to Eddy and the cover, but Booker makes the save. Booker and RVD inside, Eddy and Jeff outside. Goldust into the ring, he charges Jeff, but Jeff backdrops him on top of Booker. Jeff and RVD up top. Jeff with a Swanton to Eddy just before RVD hits the Five Star...and RVD pins Eddy in just under 6 minutes. Awesome action.

 

Coach is with Terri, who challenged Molly Holly to a swimsuit contest. This is because of something from Insurrextion, which I'd explain if I bothered listening to Terri talk. I'm voting for pure and wholesome over impure and plastic myself. Lawler: "Did she say Insurrextion or Erection?"

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Awesome tag team match with a hot finish, although I hate having a face in peril in any tag match not hitting the 10 minute mark. Still, good effort all around, the crowd was into it, and Dustin Runnels is stealing Stasiak's most successful gimmick...the oaf who screws up all the time. Granted, it's building a feud and not just for the booking team's enjoyment. But wasn't the world just waiting for a Terri-Molly swimsuit contest? Because swimsuit contests are entertainment!

 

Segment 8

 

Flair is with Arn, and Flair points out that nobody saw Bradshaw get attacked two weeks ago, so Flair goes out to Bradshaw's dressing room. Arn just looks toward the door as he leaves...I'm getting the eerie feeling I was right back in segment 2.

 

Swimsuit Competition: Terri vs. Molly Holly

 

Because it's not about the wrestling anymore. Jerry Lawler is your emcee, and he's hoping Terri is wearing a thong. Molly is carrying flippers to the ring. Well, it's part of a swimsuit, it works. Molly offers to go first and says Lawler won't believe his eyes. She puts on a bathing cap and disrobes, revealing a one-piece swimsuit, complete with skirt. Drop the bathing cap and it actually looks cute. A bit too 1930 for the adolescent crowd though. Terri disrobes, and of course she's in a bikini, complete with thong. Even JR says Terri's going to win. Molly is disgusted, and Terri thinks she's jealous. Molly says you might as well put a pole in the middle of the ring. Lawler: "I can find a pole, alright." Terri is your nearly unanimous winner, even among the women. Molly says we don't deserve to see her virgin body in that state of undress, but she attacks Terri from behind to a cheer from me and a handful of Molly supporters.

 

Flair goes to Bradshaw's dressing room and can't find him, but he finds a Kane mask. He runs into Jacqueline, who leads him to Austin's dressing room.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Bradshaw would be too obvious at this point, they pretty much wrote Flair out as a possibility with the interview segment earlier, and I'm prepared to throw shit at my TV. Anyway, the swimsuit contest is a waste of time, particularly when Molly's entire gimmick to get her booed is being a good girl. No offense, but it's this kind of angle that forces people to come down hard on the WWF's product. Yeah, I said "WWF". Sue me. Anyway, if they have to play this type of angle to get Molly over as a heel, can't we get Trish instead of Terri out there? And besides, I happen to be attracted to good girls. Probably because they either don't exist in Ohio or are always hiding behind the sluts.

 

Segment 9

 

Flair knocks on Austin's door, but he's getting his knees taped up. Bradshaw does come up behind him. Flair wants an explanation, Bradshaw won't give him one, but says he and Austin are going to the ring to kick the nWo's asses: "You just decide whether you're coming or not." The main event is NEXT!

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Yes, that was the entire segment. All of about 45 seconds, and much more to the point than any of the others so far. Are my worst fears going to be realized? We'll find out within the next 25 minutes or so.

 

Segment 10

 

One fall main event: The nWo vs. Ric Flair, Bradshaw and Steve Austin

 

If I hear "new look, same attitude" one more time...it's not even a new look, they dropped part of the logo and went, "Oh yeah, we're not the WWF anymore, stop suing us pandas." ::sigh:: Anyway, I'm expecting a commercial break before the entrances are done. We usually do 11 segments on Raw. Of course, that was WWF Raw, not WWE Raw. Did Lillian say Bradshaw weighs 222? I hope I heard her wrong, but it is Lillian after all.

 

Before Austin hits the ring, we cut backstage, where Taker sees his motorcycle underneath the ring truck. And of course he's pissed. And cut to the side, where a limo is pulling in...and Kevin Nash steps out of it. Lawler yells "Surprise..."

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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There's that commercial break. And for a split second I eliminated Arn from contention, but if it's just Nash...anyway, if the surprise is Nash it's a letdown, but anything less than Goldberg running out and joining the nWo is a letdown at this point. By the way, the last match was in segment 7...

 

Quick unrelated rant: I live in Ohio, not Pennsylvania. I don't get Pittsburgh stations. Would somebody tell me why Pirates games on ESPN and ESPN2 always get blacked out here? I'm not even a Pirates fan, but I'd like to watch a baseball team not owned by Ted Turner and/or Time Warner once in a while.

 

Segment 11

 

We come back just in time for Austin's entrance. How convenient. JR claims Flair doesn't know Nash is there, which should mean the arena doesn't know either. Should. X-Pac and Bradshaw to start, and Austin tags himself in. I hate that spot, but JR says it's just Austin trying to make sure that Bradshaw is honest. OK, I'll but that. X-Pac goes for a Thesz press, but Austin catches him with a spinebuster. Hall in and he gets a spinebuster. Austin works on both until Hall leaves the ring. Series of turnbuckle smashes as the crowd chants "What". Tag to Hall. Lou Thesz press with punches by Austin, and he goes for the Stunner, but Hall quickly backs away. Tag to The Big Show. Lockup, Show pushes him into the corner. Lockup, and again Austin to the corner, but he comes back with "what" punches. Off the ropes, and Show catches Austin with the backdrop. Bradshaw tags himself in (stupid ring positioning by Show) and Hall tags in. Bradshaw goes to work on Hall until he's stopped with a thumb to the eye, and X-Pac is tagged in. Brief offense before Bradshaw catches him with a powerslam for 2. X-Pac ducks a clothesline and takes Bradshaw down with a spinning heel kick, and Show is tagged in. Series of headbutts by the big guy, and the fifth one finally takes him down...and bloodies Bradshaw. Cool! Irish whip, Big Boot (size 22 dontcha know). Bradshaw fighting back, but Show knocks him down to kill the momentum. Hall tags in and takes Bradshaw down with the fallaway slam and covers for 2. Show back in with a tag. Headbuttamania is running wild! Flair has yet to tag in...I don't like this. Crowd chants "We want Flair" as X-Pac tags in. I think they're chanting for Flair because they're expecting to be disappointed. Series of stomps and knees in the corner, which of course leads to Earl Hebner backing X-Pac off and a double team in the corner. Bradshaw finally fights back, but not for long. Bradshaw reverses a whip, Big Boot (not a size 22), and Hall makes the save. Austin and Flair have had enough and come in, everyone except the legal men leave the ring...Clothesline from Hell! Cover, but Show pulls him out of the ring and choke slams him through the table. Flair is down as well, and it's 2 on 1 inside the ring...Austin vs. Hall and X-Pac. Austin knocks both men down...DOUBLE STUNNER to a huge pop. No cover, as Austin calls Show into the ring. Show with a knee for the advantage, and he pounds away at Austin. Beell out of the corner, whip, Austin ducks a clothesline but stumbles and falls to the concrete. Austin back in, whip into the corner by Show, clothesline follow through. Show asks JR if he wants some too. Dude, were you in prison recently? Between "I own you" and "You want some" it looks like an episode of Oz here. Backdrop, and Austin gets bleeped out yelling "Shit" when he lands. Austin finally with some sort of advantage, and a Thesz press off the second rope. Austin goes for the Stunner, but he gets shoved into Hebner. Flair with a chair, but Show catches him by the throat. Austin with a low blow...STUNNER...no referee. Austin tries to wake Hebner as Flair grabs a chair...yep, he hits Austin with it, and then pounds away at Austin with it, targeting the leg. Flair then announces Austin vs. Show and Flair for Judgment Day. Figure four to Austin. Fuck you, Vince McMahon, fuck you fuck you fuck you. Hebner finally into the ring, Flair breaks the figure-four, and he and Show stand in the ring with arms raised. No decision (approximately 15:49, but no closing bell).

 

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FADE TO BLACK

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Fuck you fuck you fuck you. Granted, we're not entirely sure that Flair actually joined the nWo here (the old T-shirt rule), but as I've said on the message board before, he had a fucking cage door slammed on his fucking head by fucking Kevin Nash (who I never did see come to ringside tonight, by the way), so why the hell would we believe he'd side with the nWo...ever? Then again, two weeks ago we were supposed to forget that Big Show got kicked out of the nWo TWICE in the old WCW days. On the bright side, I was wrong about the Arn Anderson prediction. But again, unless this is Flair trying to lull the nWo into a false sense of security so he can unleash the Four Horsemen on the WWF--WWE, whatever it's called this week--then this is complete bullshit and nobody who watched wrestling pre-1998 can buy it.

 

Blunder of the Week: I'm still laughing about the motorcycle not being able to start. Best mistake since The Shockmaster incident. Hogan continues to suck, and while this isn't necessarily his fault, at least he's the one looking foolish out of this. Here's to a bad match at Judgment Day to cap off a shitty title reign for the Hulkster.

 

Until SmackDown, remember...get the F out. No, seriously, get the fuck out and take your pandas with you.

 

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