SmackDown! from JHawk's Beak (5/23/2002)

[Guest TSMAdmin]

SmackDown! from JHawk's Beak

by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

 

Before we begin, a few notes. And it's all wrestling related, because this is a wrestling recap and not a site dedicated to my life story.

 

Chyna loses to Buttafuoco: I know there are people who are crying foul about Joey Buttafuoco beating Joanie Laurer in Celebrity Boxing II by majority decision, even though he clearly wrestled her down twice. However, I agree with the decision. When Joanie was punching, she was kicking his ass, but every time she got hit (or thrown down) she stopped fighting. Had she gotten up after the takedown in the second round and started wailing away at him instead of sitting on the mat for 30 seconds crying, maybe she'd have gotten the decision. Then she challenged Buttafuoco to a wrestling match after they announced the decision. Um, Joanie, a word of advice. He already outwrestled you, and you did nothing but throw a hissy fit. Drop it and get out of the public eye while you still have some dignity. Hell, even Horshack lost with dignity, and he got slaughtered by fricking Screech!

 

A day to live in infamy: May 23 marks the third anniversary of the untimely death of Owen Hart. We still miss you Owen, and this glass of milk is for you. WOO!

 

Wrestling's Stupidest Quotes: "This is where the power lies!" -Hulk Hogan as he points to the palm of his hand, twice at the November 1986 Saturday Night's Main Event and pretty much every interview he did for the next two years. Nobody ever figured out what the hell that meant except for Jesse Ventura, who speculated it was because he had the referees and WWF officials in the palm of his hand. See, shoot comments have been around the 80s. You learn something every day.

 

A quick thank you goes to Adam, who correctly reminded me that if they remember back two months, SmackDown gets to pick the top contender for King of the Ring, likely to be Triple H so they can bore all the fans they won back with an above average Raw. Quite honestly, SmackDown can have the top contender as long as they don't give it to either of the HHHs. I mean ANYBODY but the HHHs. Even Test. That match would suck, but at least it's something different at the top of the card.

 

Segment 1

 

Welcome to SmackDown!, taped May 21 at the BancorpSouth Center in Tupelo, Mississippi. Will Hollywood Hulk Hogan announce his retirement? We can only hope, but by God, that's what they're claiming! Will Stacy Keibler accept my marriage proposal? Not on the air!

 

But first, it's One fall: Hungry Hungry Hippos vs. Lance Storm

 

Storm actually gets to be serious for a moment, and Hunter might think he achieved a great victory, but all he did was prove he's a barbaric, bloodthirsty animal. So Hunter cheap shots Lance Storm because the truth hurts and faces always cheap shot opponents, but Storm gains the advantage with a jawbreaker. Storm with a series of right hands, but Trips comes back with a facebuster. Storm reverses a whip and hits a Hardcore Holly-like dropkick. Elbows in the corner, followed by a cross corner whip. Storm with a boot choke, and more punches to the forehead, which was bandaged as a result of Hell in a Cell. Hunter hanging off the apron, and Storm down with a decapitation elbow. Cole and Tazz actually talk about strategy. You'd think they knew a match was going on. Storm works over the reopened cut on Hunter's forehead. We talk about Hogan's career until Hunter starts his comeback. What a coincidence, ignore the talented one. Spinebuster by Trips gets a near fall. Storm ducks a clothesline and connects with a superkick. Into the Canadian Maple Leaf, which Trips is actually selling! Hunter drags himself to the ropes for the break. Another superkick by Storm, but he takes his time going to the top rope. Hunter pushes Mike Chioda into the ropes to crotch Storm, and then the Pedigree for the pin at 5:49. Tazz puts Storm over, and I wonder "Isn't pushing the referee an automatic DQ?"

 

Backstage, Christian asks Kurt Angle (whose head is off-camera) if he really wants to go out there tonight, but he has to because he didn't become a gold medallist by backing down. "At least they won't be chanting you suck. They'll be chanting 'You're bald.' " Christian starts chanting it, but notices Angle's next to him and goes, "I mean, 'You bold--ly handsome...in a...manly way!' "

 

----------

COMMERCIAL BREAK

----------

 

Good opener. Storm got to look good against a major player, and hopefully that's a sign that Storm's going to get some sort of push. I hate the push the referee into the ropes spot because it's never called a disqualification even though it should be. Cute segment with Angle and Christian, but pretty worthless.

 

Segment 2

 

Backstage, My Future Wife tells Test that Vince needs a favor--take out Randy Orton. He agrees and then frenches Stacy. Because he has immunity.

 

Kurt Angle is introduced, but he doesn't come out. He's introduced again, and he comes out--wearing a wrestling helmet to hold a wig on his head. I have to admit, that's pretty clever. Angle claims that his hair became regrown thanks to hair supplements, and if that's the case, where's Hogan's case? "I'm sorry that people paid money to see a bald man crying, but look on the bright side. There's still Hulk Hogan to look forward to." Angle is going to go to the back to try out some mousse, but he gets interrupted by Maven. OK, maybe Anglesault does have a point. Maven says Angle should lose the Elton John wig and be himself because his fans won't laugh at him. Angle: "Do you work here or something? Oh, you're that kid who won some contract on MTV or something." Angle challenges Maven to take the wig off himself, and it doesn't take long for him to come down there. Angle is stomping away on him, but he gets caught with a sweet dropkick. Maven goes for the wig, but Angle takes him down a release German suplex. Angle starts to leave, but is met down the aisle by Edge. Before Edge can get the wig off, Christian makes the save and helps Angle to the back.

 

----------

COMMERCIAL BREAK

----------

 

OK, now I'm in the minority because I like Maven. But keep him out of the upper midcard. He's not ready to be elevated yet and should be left to working Jakked or Velocity or whatever the SmackDown secondary show is for the time being. I'm sure this sets up a tag match for tonight, but we already saw Maven's best move once tonight. Interesting enough segment.

 

Segment 3

 

My Future Wife dances on the broadcast table. Work it, baby, work it!

 

One fall: Test vs. Randy Orton

 

Watch Velocity on Saturday, when My Future Wife gets another shot at the Women's Title, this time in a bra and panties match. Homina homina homina. Stacy is on commentary, and I know of a few things she can do with my microphone...sorry, what? Oh, the match! Test with some vicious looking elbows to Orton in the corner and throws him out of the ring. Orton reenters the ring and dropkicks Test twice, but gets caught with a pumphandle powerslam for a count of 2. Later tonight, Edge and Maven vs. Angle and Christian. Test misses the Big Boot and crotches himself on the top rope, and Orton takes control. Up top, but Test stops him and goes up. Orton is able to throw him off...high cross body, but Test rolls through for 2. Orton slides behind the pumphandle slam attempt into a cradle for 2 (although the shoulders were up until the count reached one). Test regains control, a full nelson slam is countered with a Victory roll for 2, but Test quickly catches him and rolls the dice for the pin at 3:29. Wow!

 

Tonight, it's Hulk Hogan's farewell address!

 

----------

COMMERCIAL BREAK

----------

 

Holy shit, Randy Orton carried Test to a decent match. Solid action, some good looking counters by Orton, and some vicious looking offense from Test. Hardly a technical clinic, but hardly the usual Test match either.

 

Segment 4

 

We're in Tupelo waiting for Hogan's retirement. Really.

 

Marc Loyd is with The Undertaker, who told the world he would kill Hulkamania, and he did it. He's the WWE champion. Others want it, but they need to take it from him and nobody's ready to step up. Loyd pushes his luck by showing the footage of RVD (possibly) winning the title on Raw. Why didn't Taker keep his foot on the ropes after the pin? The match continued, says Taker. Several times. Quite defensively, I might add. Taker is actually here to watch Hogan's retirement speech, thus assuring Hogan's not retiring.

 

Backstage, Rico is eyeing his tag team title belt when he's interrupted by Billy and Chuck. He's champion by default, but it kills him to hold the belt when Billy and Chuck should hold them. He says it with a straight face too.

 

Backstage, there's Chris Jericho, who bumps into Faarooq. He took too many shots to the head, and yet he has to work four days later. Jericho wants protection from the APA, but Faarooq won't help him, because Jericho's against Mark Henry.

 

NEXT...Maven and Edge vs. Angle and Christian

 

----------

COMMERCIAL BREAK

----------

 

So apparently, despite what Lillian AND Lawler told us, we're not supposed to recognize Rob Van Dam as WWE champion. OK, fine. Other than that there wasn't one redeeming part of this segment.

 

Segment 5

 

One fall tag team match: Edge/Maven vs. Christian/Kurt Angle

 

Hogan's retiring, so remind me that Edge was at SkyDome for WrestleMania VI. Why is Maven being billed from Charlottesville, Virginia, when he's said on the air he was a school teacher in Oregon? Do all these entrances combined equal the length of Triple H's? Angle attacks Edge from behind to start. Tazz actually puts the "hair supplements" bit over. Give him credit for trying. Edge goes for the wig, but Angle quickly tags out. Edge takes Christian down with a flapjack and levels him with right hands. Maven is tagged in, and cut to the back where Torrie Wilson and Trish Stratus are watching. Christian gains control with an overhead belly-to-belly, and a backbreaker gets 2. Double team in the corner to give the match an old school feel. That's a good thing. Angle taunts Edge, but Maven catches him with a low blow. Tazz denies teaching him that. Tags on each side, so Edge and Christian are legal. Edge does a number on both guys and covers Christian after a headslam, but Angle makes the save. Maven tagged in, all four men in the ring. Angle with the Angle Slam to Edge. Maven DDTs Angle and goes up top. Missile dropkick intended for Angle, but Angle moves and Maven hits Christian instead. He covers and Angle makes the save. Edge spears Christian. Angle sends Edge over the top rope. Maven clotheslines Angle over the top. Christian goes for the Unprettier, but Maven counters it into a rolling reverse cradle for the pin at 4:26. Jesus, Christian can't even pin Maven?

 

Hogan retires tonight. Really.

 

----------

COMMERCIAL BREAK

----------

 

Decent enough match, but does every WWE tag team match have to end in a four way brawl? At least the two legal men were involved in the pin. My only argument with this is Maven should have been pinned to at least give the impression that he's paying his dues.

 

Segment 6

 

One fall: Brother D-Von (w/Deacon Bautista) vs. Rikishi (without Rico)

 

Sign in crowd: "D-Von, get the Bible". Cute. If there was ever a time to blow off an angle for free, this tag team title reign would be it. D-Von asks Rikishi to "get the hell, I mean, the heck" to the back and put some clothes on. I have to agree with the good reverend there. Rikishi with a cheap shot to start, because the good guys always use cheap shots, and it takes 30 seconds for Rico to come to ringside. Rikishi with some turnbuckle smashes, but D-Von with a back heel kick low blow. D-Von works over Rikishi, and here come Billy and Chuck to the top of the ramp. D-Von goes for a suplex, but Rikishi weighs 6000 pounds from the waist down so he reverses it, but the deacon trips Rikishi. D-Von falls on top for 2. Rikishi regains control. Superkick. Blown spot where Rikishi attempted to throw D-Von up and Diamond Cutter him down, but D-Von practically hit the mat before Rikishi made contact. D-Von falls in the corner, Rikishi signals for the Stink Face, but Rico runs in with the title belt to the back of his partner's head. D-Von takes advantage to get the three count at 3:10. The reverend and deacon work on Rikishi after the match, including a wicked spinebuster by Bautista. Rico checks on Rikishi but gives the former champs a thumbs up.

 

----------

COMMERCIAL BREAK

----------

 

Well, they tried, but the crowd was dead. I'd take a Rikishi match off too if I was in the crowd. This is 10 minutes of my life I'll never get back.

 

Segment 7

 

Earlier today, Chavo Guerrero Jr. watches the footage of Eddy, Austin, and the beer bottle, when mild-mannered Gregory Helms enters to question if he's been giving The Hurricane his notes. Chavo says he's just going to beat Hurricane in the ring and leaves, but Helms finds another note--"I'm not tall and I'm not fat"--and a clue--a bag of beef jerky. I'm stumped.

 

Marc Loyd praises Triple H for surviving Hell in a Cell, and now his focus is on regaining the Undisputed WWE Title. Lance Storm interrupts to say his luck's about to run out, and he gets met with a Big Boot from Test.

 

----------

COMMERCIAL BREAK

----------

 

Beef jerky? WUZZUPWIDAT? You mean Randy Savage has been targeting The Hurricane? It's that Spiderman allegiance, I tell you! Looks like we might get Test against Hunter at King of the Ring, which is good because it means no Taker-HHH match, but is bad because I'm not buying that Hogan's actually retiring.

 

Segment 8

 

Velocity debuts Saturday at 10 on TNN, and My Future Wife will be in her bra and panties!

 

One fall for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship: The Hurricane (champion) vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr.

 

Huge pop for Hurricane when he's introduced. Chavo with a shove at the bell. Snap mare by Hurricane into a shoulderblock, and a powerslam gets 2. Chavo with a killer back suplex. Chop (WHOO!) and a series of punches by the challenger. Dropkick and a cover for 2. Another reason we're claiming WWE is channeling WCW: Ignore the cruiserweights to hype Hogan. Hurricane with a flying clothesline. Whip into the corner and a flying neckbreaker for 2. Chavo gets control and hits a combination Tombstone/Northern Lights driver, but he only gets 2 off of it. Hurricane gets some distance in the corner with both boots to the face, then hits the Overcast (Buff Blockbuster) for the win at 2:55.

 

Backstage, Stacy apologizes for her actions with Test earlier, but Vince is cool with it because Hogan's giving his retirement address later tonight. Jericho barges in and asks why he's in the ring with Mark Henry tonight, but Vince tells him it's an opportunity to cement his legacy. Beating a jobber to the stars is cementing his legacy?

 

----------

COMMERCIAL BREAK

----------

 

I'm going to sound like a broken record, but it's the same deal as last week. Good match, way too short, give the cruisers some time so we can actually get what we want. And if Hogan doesn't retire, you can all go to hell, because you've made me absolutely sick of hearing the son of a bitch's name tonight.

 

Segment 9

 

Your hosts are Michael Coleslaw and Tazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, and they inform us that Tim White suffered a separated shoulder at Judgment Day.

 

One fall and the closest thing we're going to get to a main event since we won't shut up about Hulk freaking Hogan: Chris Jericho vs. Mark Henry

 

Tazz: "I've got to hand it to Mr. McMahon too. Finding a SmackDown shirt that fits that guy." Jericho tries to outpower Henry early, hopefully to sell that his brain is scrambled after Judgment Day. Much like Triple H in the opener, the wounds on Jericho's face have reopened. Huge Beell out of the corner by Henry. Vader bomb is attempted, but Jericho rolls out of the way to save his life. Henry with a huge shoulderblock, and three reps over his head before finally Gorilla pressing Jericho down. Henry continues the punishment on the outside, but Jericho is finally able to push Henry into the ringpost. Mark Henry decides it's not enough to outweigh the man by 173 pounds, he needs a steel chair too. Referee Mike Sparks gets it away from him, but Jericho has one of his own and levels Henry with it for the pin at 3:14.

 

NEXT...Hogan retires...right?

 

----------

COMMERCIAL BREAK

----------

 

Eh, too short to be overly offensive, but longer than the cruiserweight match, so offensive enough. Jericho sold Henry's offense like a champ to make it watchable. Actually a pretty good SmackDown so far, and if Hogan's retirement is legit, then this is the greatest SmackDown ever!

 

Segment 10

 

Thanks to everybody who watched Judgment Day.

 

Cole: "Experience Hulkamania for the very last time!" Yes, Hulk Still Sucks is on his way to the ring to a pretty good pop for his farewell address, and there are 3-to-5 odds that The Undertaker comes out and robs us of our moment of euphoria. That means you lose money if you make that bet. This is why I don't put money on sure things. Sign in crowd: "Hulkamania will never retire". Hell, the live crowd's not fooled either. Huge "Hogan" chant once "Voodoo Child" stops playing. Hogan was born Terry Bollea on August 11, 1953 in Augusta, Georgia, but was raised in Tampa, Florida by working class parents. 20 years ago he had the honor to perform in front of millions of Hulkamaniacs all around the world, and he's had the time of his life (and he's never felt like this before...yes I swear...it's the truth...oh, sorry, killing time during the next "Hogan" chant). His only regret is that his father died around Christmas and isn't around to see this. His dad didn't show any reaction except Mondays and Thursdays for Raw and SmackDown, but his father ripped the tubes out of his neck and said, "Terry, you have to go back into wrestling and straighten out your career," and "Terry, you need to go back home and return to the WWF." Hogan fights back tears and tells the crowd he couldn't have done without the fans. "If it wasn't for you guys, I wouldn't be who I am today, so thank you." He also has to thank the fans for helping him take the biggest step in his professional career--at some point you just have to step down. Like Kenny Rogers said, "You have to know when to hold them and know when to fold them." He thanks the fans for believing in him and for the memories. His one dream is that Hulkamania will live forever. Another thank you and a salute for the fans, and it's only 9:53, so there must be a catch. Hogan begins to pose for the last time...but damn it to hell, here comes Mr. McMahon to screw it up. McMahon: "The sky is falling. The world is coming to an end because Hulk Hogan is announcing his retirement." It seems appropriate that it would be in an out of the way place like Tupelo. "Read my lips. There's no chance in hell of you retiring." Why? "Because 10 years ago, you walked out on me. But not this time, because I have a signed contract, and if you walk out on me, I'll sue you and your family for everything you've got." Hogan's not leaving until Hogan's body is decomposing in a pine box. McMahon owns Hulkamania. He intends to milk Hulkamania for every penny he can. Is he shooting on him? Hogan says he won't retire until he kicks Vince's ass, so he gets a head start...and there's The Undertaker. Not another month of this garbage! Hogan comes back. Polish hammer! Taker gets knocked over the top rope! Hogan stands alone! Hulkamania lives! I need a noose! Vince yells "Hulkamania dies on my terms!" as we fade out.

 

----------

END OF SHOW

----------

 

You know those shows where it's really good, but one segment screws the entire thing up for you? This was mine. That was way too emotional and way too hyped for Hogan not to retire. And now that Hogan has tried twice in four years to "retire", when the time comes for him to finally retire the moment simply won't have the impact it should.

 

Until Raw, Hulkamania will die on Vince McMahon's terms, and most of you will be dead before that ever happens.