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SWF Festivexxx (Part Two), Because I'm an unefficient, very bad man
Guest_Chuck Woolery_*
post Sep 26 2002, 03:06 PM
Post #1


When we last left our he... her... h... he... he-he-he... aw, fuck it, when we last left Wrestling Timez reporter Brian Hennessey, he had just been beaten at SWF Genesis by SJL star Mike Van Siclen. Now, let's return for part two, where the antics grow even more...

Hennessey grabs a cup of coffee off of the counter of an empty booth and leans against it, sipping the coffee as he pulls out his microcassette recorder. "I've been at this shitfest for an hour," a huffy Hennessey says, still remembering all of his letdowns, "and there's been nothing worth seeing. So far, I'd have to give it a negative five stars. It should be thanking itself I'm not bringing back the flaming-pokers-in-the-ass rating..." Hennessey goes to sip the coffee again...

"Put my fucking coffee down."

Hennessey quickly spits out what little bit of coffee entered his mouth, setting the mug down hastily on the table and turning to look at the legendary Divefire. He smirks. "Ah, if it isn't Mr. Book-Myself-To-Be-Champ-Over-Two-People-Who-Deserved-It. How are you this fine afternoon, you Dynamite Kid ripoff?"

Divefire stares at him with an icy-hot look, but Hennessey just brushes it off. "I'm just fine."

"I mean, hell, you're not even a good Dynamite Kid ripoff. You're more like, like, the Dynamite Kid's towel boy."

Divefire continues to stare at Hennessey. "Why don't you take your Wrestling Timez ass away from my booth?"

"Why don't you take your Wrestling Timez ass away from my booth?" Hennessey shoots back, his voice high-pitched and mocking. With a sneering laugh, Hennessey turns around and walks to the next booth. Divefire stares after him.

"Oooooh, he's gonna get it..."

Brian Hennessey continues walking, into a medium-sized walk in booth. He enters, and inside, Andrea Montgomery and Annie Eclectic are running a film festival!

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you could all quiet down so I could start the show!" Annie motions for the smallish crowd to quiet down, which they do. "Now, if you will all please look at the screen, Andrea will introduce her first video!"

Andrea smiles as she speaks to the crowd. "Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... G0R0 and Gonzales!"


The crowd erupts in cheers for the movie, all except for Brian Hennessey, who looks on with disgust.

"Come on, woman, there was no fight scene! No real emotion! Horrible voice acting! I give this video two thumbs and a penis down!"

Annie looks at Hennessey in disgust. "That's sickening. Next up is my video... I'm sure you'll all enjoy it. I call it, Mr. Big Suck."


Boos from the audience, especially Hennessey.

"What the fuck was that? Tod deKindes, carrying around a heart-shaped box? Blonde hair? Jesus, woman, didn't you even watch one tape of him before you have to "face"..." with that, Hennessey does those annoying finger quotations, "Him at Genesis? Huh? You know what I give this film? Two thumbs, a penis, and a going, going... down!"

Annie stares at Hennessey. "You, sir. Yes, you. Shut your mouth."

"No! You will treat me with respect! My pen can break you, you undeserving bitch!"

Annie stares at the incensed reporter, before shrugging it off. "Anyway, Andrea Montgomery is here to announce our last film. Andrea?"

Andrea smiles again. "I call this film... A Lesbian and an Evil Gentleman."

Annie stares at Andrea. "If that is what I think it is, blargle, I will kill you."


Annie looks at Andrea. "I will kill you."

Loud cheers again go up from the audience, and Andrea, smiling broadly, takes a bow... except, of course, when Hennessey starts talking shit.

"Where was the emotion, huh? When Annie thought she was going to get choked out, she should've felt it! She should've known it! And what about Chris Wilson, huh? What kind of shitty stand-in actor was that? His vocal skills were almost as bad as the real Wilson! I give this promo two thumbs down, two extreme Flair tit sags, a penis down, and a Black Hawk Down!"

Hennessey leaves the room, a bit angry, and Annie stares at him as he leaves. He shuts the door behind him...

"Now that that asshole is gone, who wants to see what the booth advocated... some H! L!"

Hennessey continues walking, up to the Karaoke section of SWF Festivexxx! A big sign reading "SWF Karaoke: The Uncensored Version" adorns the booth (stay tuned, a certain Deacon should be posting a promo for it soon.), which the best singer in the SWF, Edwin MacPhisto is running (he left the autograph table and Mags took his place.) Edwin smiles at the WT reporter, his eyes gleaming. "G'afternoon to you. Wanna do some karaoke with the Crown Prince of Flash and Panache?"

Hennessey pulls out his wallet, flipping it open. "Brian Hennessey, Wrestling Timez. And ever since you did a horrible David Bowie song and somehow made it worse, I don't think I want to karaoke with you. I'd probably wind up carrying you like Tom Flesher did with El Luchadore Magnifico."

Edwin looks at Hennessey, but his smile never wavers. "Come on, Bri-Bri. Let's do some Battleflag, baby!"


"How about Love Rollercoaster? Those lyrics, you know... Roller-COASTER... of loooooo-oooooove."


"How about the bloody inbred Jay Dawg's remix of 'Du Hast'?"


"Well then, O Writing One, what would you like to hear?"

"Let me see that CD case."

"Well... all right."

Edwin reluctantly hands the case over to Hennessey, who flips it over and stares at it.

"Let's see..." Hennessey reads it quickly, looking at Edwin. "You put in Grand Slam, Suicide King, and Thugg's theme, even though they're all retired hosses, and yet you leave off "Calculating Infinity" and "B4U ~glorious style~"? Now, not only is the Gone Jackals holding down Dillinger Escape Plan, but a fucking announcer is holding down Danny Williams! And you know who I blame for this?"

"Who, laddie?"

"You and your fucking clique!"

"Well, we realized that, and we figured we'd try to appease your type, so we included a bonus track."

"Good job, boys! Calculating Infinity? B4U? What is it?"

"God of Thunder."

"...who uses that?"

"Thor. JLer who's 350 pounds and seven feet tall."

Hennessey fumes, throwing down the CD case and breaking it as he stomps away. Edwin cracks up laughing at him, before the next customer comes and Edwin is forced to kayfabe again.

Meanwhile, Hennessey is approaching the large auction area near the end. At the front stands CIA, and next to him is an "S W F'n F" t-shirt. CIA begins the call.

"Ladies and gentlemen, to my left we have eh SWF'nF t-shirt signed by Edwin MacPhisto, El Luchadore Magnifico, and yours truly, CIA, eh! Now, the bidding will start at twenty-FIVE dollars, eh..."


CIA lowers his (non-prescription) glasses, looking at Hennessey with disdain. "Yes, aboot what is it that you want, eh?"

"Do you have any Ced Ordonez shirts for sale?"

"Yes we do, eh."

"Can I place a bid?"

"We sold it boot fifteen minutes ago, eh. Ten dollars, eh. That's a new record for a Ced Ordonez shirt, eh!"

"What about Danny Williams merchandise?"

"Sold that one a half hoor ago, eh. Five bucks, eh. We sold all the low-priority merchandise first, eh."

"Dammit, you do not call Danny Williams low-priority!"

"I'll call Danny Williams whatever I want, eh."

"That's it! I can't take your JL bullshit! You, a JL jackass, are holding down Danny Williams, the most talented WFer! You make me sick!"

Hennessey storms off, and CIA stares out at the audience. "Now then, who wants this SWF'nF shirt, eh?"

Hennessey enters the last booth -- get in the ring! Inside, Silent, Frost, and the HVille Thugg stand, working over a teenage girl. She leaves, kissing Thugg's hand on the way out, and Hennessey sneers.

"Of course," he says. "The SWF has to put their hosses in the best attraction, because all these pussies can't take stiff shit."

"Gee, Brian," Thugg says. "If we're so fuckin' soft, why don't you get in the fuckin' ring with us?"

"You've got it," the cocksure WT writer says. "You guys might learn something."

Hennessey enters the ring, and is immediately punched in the heart by Frost! Early Winter! Hennessey screams in pain, and Silent picks him up, putting him in a rear chinlock.

"Some resthold, huh, Hennessey!" Silent yells at the writer. "Rest, huh, Brian!"

Silent grabs Hennessey and shoves his head between his legs, lifting up the screaming WT writer and putting him in position for a Crucifix Powerbomb... FALL FROM GRACE! Silent motions for Thugg to pick up a crying Hennessey, which HVille does. He grabs Brian around the neck, lifting him up and spinning around and around... UNTAMED CHOKESLAM! Hennessey screams, laying on the mat for a good minute before rolling out of the ring. He regains his bearings on the outside, standing up and looking at the wrestlers with a smirk.

"You assclowns only wish you could sell that well," Hennessey sneers, turning his back on the SWFers, saying on the way out, "I could've no-sold any of that."

He reaches the door, his hand on the handle when someone taps him on the shoulder. He turns around... and gets kicked in the gut by Silent! The Silent One puts him in a double underhook, lifting him up and putting his hands under Hennessey's elbows before sitting out, crushing Hennessey's head with a Demonstar Driver Alpha! Silent smiles. "No-sell that."

The Silent One stands up, opening a cell phone. "Yeah, Ted, it's Silent. We've got a dickhead unconscious here. Bring the bus."


Note to Ced and Danny: I didn't mean to offend you in any way, and I'd like to apologize in advance if I did. I may have said some nasty things about you in there, but I tried not to go too far with it.
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Guest_Edwin MacPhisto_*
post Sep 26 2002, 05:21 PM
Post #2




Mike, you've got a knack for this. Yay and stuff.
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Guest_El Luchadore Magnifico_*
post Sep 26 2002, 05:33 PM
Post #3


Well, Flesher may have carried me, but...but...um......

You smell! Tehehehehe!

Great job, MVS. (IMG:http://forums.thesmartmarks.com/style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)
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post Sep 26 2002, 05:38 PM
Post #4



Congrats Mike you've made the best use of coffee in an angle, ever!

Oh and some decent spot on character takes while doing humor...

Now, to actualy watch a Dynamite Kid match...
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Guest_Suicide King_*
post Sep 26 2002, 05:44 PM
Post #5


When does Chris Wilson blow up Hennessey's car, and when do I get to sleep with his wife? (IMG:http://forums.thesmartmarks.com/style_emoticons/default/cool.gif)
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Guest_CED Ordonez_*
post Sep 26 2002, 05:55 PM
Post #6


No offense taken by me, MVS. Hell look at the predictions thread. I'm not one to take myself too seriously either.

My shirt sold for 10 dollars! 2 dollar commission for me! Ka-CHING~!

*buys a gallon of kerosene for Hennessey's front porch*
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post Sep 26 2002, 06:19 PM
Post #7


...let me do the next part. After Genesis, when I have time. PLEASE. I INVENTED THE BUS. Sorta.
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post Sep 27 2002, 05:54 PM
Post #8


uh.... damn. I need to get my sound and flash working. Plus, since I'm pretty sure GOdrea didn't do any of those and I know i didn't....

you're so gonna die when I see them (IMG:http://forums.thesmartmarks.com/style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

blargle yo.

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post Sep 27 2002, 06:25 PM
Post #9


I'm going to regret asking, but...

What's "the bus"?

Oh, and (Y)(Y) to the event - the auction booth was a hoot.
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post Sep 27 2002, 07:12 PM
Post #10


Good work, Mike.

The bus was a few promos that Spike did waaay back in early 2001. It consisted of all the WFers going on a camping trip.
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Guest_Chuck Woolery_*
post Sep 27 2002, 07:13 PM
Post #11


And then Thoth resurrected the idea, threatening to write a promo in which all no-showers were put on a bus to his dorm room and spanked by Ted Polak.

Yes, that's the reference, too. Thoth... it's all yours.
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post Sep 27 2002, 09:12 PM
Post #12


Mark...I should, and probably will kill you for that. You have disrespected all that is holy and good by your mockery of Gonzales.

Ah, the bus trip. I remember that...especially when G.O.A.T. tricked Galatea into thinking Miss G was nearby and then stealing his French fries...which is the addition that I wrote. Or somesuch gibberish.


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post Sep 27 2002, 09:35 PM
Post #13


And the part of Zach de la Roche will be played by GOdrea....

oh, and Mr. Big Suck, tres funny MVS...


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