EWR 4.0 HSW 2.0 Diary! Still Better Than Yours!

WrestlingDeacon · August 21, 2003

Prologue: Following the disastrous The Night Some Funky Ass Shit Went Down pay-per-view, Hot Shit Wrestling owner Jim Kettner fired head booker Deacon. Deacon left for Mexico where he became a promoter of cock fighting and trafficker in bootleg Tito Puente albums. Shortly thereafter, Kettner was bought out by a mysterious entity known as Mysterious Entity Incorporated. MEI fired a good portion of the HSW staff and wrestlers in a shakeup that totally redefined what the HSW was. Since the HSW was crappy wrestling and tit humor, this probably wasn’t a bad idea. Time passed as time is ought to do, until one morning Deacon received a call from Giant Gonzalez. Things were wrong with the HSW…very, very wrong. The new management had to be stopped and Deacon rode to the rescue! Mostly, because Gonzalez promised to buy him dinner at the Spaghetti Warehouse.

Deacon pulls up to the front of the Toilet in a cab with a license plate that says “Fresh” and dice in the mirror. The sign out front says “Big Rock Candy Mountain.” Huh? What the hell does that mean. Deacon walks through the back and finds Gonzalez painted green and wearing a toga. Gonzalez falls on his knees crying, thankful that Deacon is here. “Stop crying Jolly Green Gonzalez or your dye will run,” calls a voice from off camera. In walks LIZZY BORDEN! Elizabeth Borden now, because she’s sophisticated and evil, don’t think she wouldn’t grow a goatee if she could. What the hell’s going on here? Borden turns on the boring exposition sign and explains. After the Deacon fired her, she reexamined her life and found a beacon of hope. Religion? Close, mindless conservatism! Borden found a benefactor who shared her new found zeal for brainwa…uh, she means molding…no, wait, yeah she means brainwashing the minds of young children. And don’t say hell, say “the place where Democrats go when they die.” The new sponsors and networks won’t like it. New networks? Yeah, we’re on ABC Family and the Disney Channel now. Ow, you’re dancing with the devil in the big black ears. No, but Spike Lee did try to sue us too. Deacon can’t imagine that those channels would want a product named Hot Shit Wrestling. Well, duh! That’s why she changed the name to Happy Sunny Wrestling. HAPPY SUNNY WRESTLING! Borden scoffs, since her people have taken over, Happy Sunny Wrestling has shown a profit and increased ratings. In her most brilliant move, Elizabeth bought a number of old gimmicks from Vince McMahon that were no longer being used by WCW or WWE. How about that for name brand recognition? Two guys in full body stockings with tiny bells hanging off of them jingle by. Deacon stands there dumbfounded and points, “Was that the Ding Dongs?” Gonzalez demands that Deacon be allowed back into HSW. Borden smirks and says they’ll have to go see the commissioner for that. The trio leaves for the commissioner’s office. Deacon: “Seriously, were those the Ding Dongs?!”

Segment Rating: 85%

HSW Pretty Kittens for Wednesday, September 3rd 2003

Live from the Big Rock Candy Mountain

Hosts: Kevin Kelly and Tod Keneley

YES, SERIOUSLY, THOSE WERE THE DING DONGS TAG TEAM MATCH

Ding Dongs vs Irish Wolfhounds.

Match Background: Ding Dongs used to be a regular team, but have been inactive for a while. Whether this match will lead to a reformation as an active unit remains to be seen.

The Match: Spinning back kick from Davey Man Smith. Implant DDT by Davey Man Smith! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Covers for a quick two count. Smith tags out to The Nitroglycerin Kid. Irish Wolfhounds whip Ding into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. There's a two count on the pin. THERE IT IS! A legdrop to the BACK OF THE HEAD! I swear, that makes any match just a little bit better. I don't mind telling you that every time I see it, that's for sure. Kid goes for a splash but Ding puts the knees up. SUPER frankensteiner on Kid, who hit hard and is loopy as a result. There's a two count on the pin. Tag to Dong. Flying cross body off the top rope! Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Hard back suplex on Kid. Come to think of it, that move had WAY too much power in No Mercy for N64. The Nitroglycerin Kid reverses a hip toss. Kid uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Tag to Davey Man Smith. STIFF high kick on Dong by Davey Man Smith. Dong tags out to Ding. Implant DDT by Davey Man Smith! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Ding is all alone...Stereo Super Kick!! 1....2....3! The Really, Really New Midnight Express come running down the aisle and into the ring! Smith turns...and gets floored by a clothesline. Kid walks into a vicious boot to the face. The Really, Really New Midnights set him up, and nail the Double Goozle! Smith is grabbed...and he gets hit with the Double Goozle as well! The Really, Really New Midnights have done a number on them!

My Opinion: Well, hello there *1/4 rating, how are you?

Winner: Irish Wolfhounds

(I made Dames say Dong. Yes, as is mandatory here at the SmartMarks we will be using the Dames as our reviewer or suffer the wrath of Dames’ “little friend” (re: Banky). The Irish Wolfhounds are now the team of Matt Stryker and Chad Collyer, who actually look like a young British Bulldogs…if you’re blind in one eye and can’t see out of the other. I love the little picture feature on the new EWR. I put in a picture of Larry Hagman for Deacon. I might not every be him, but I drink like it. The Really, Really New Midnight Express is Hypoglycemic Harry Smith and Ostentatious Orlando Jordan. The point of the team is teach the kids new vocabulary words that they will never use. Although Harry is helping to get rid of all the left over food since we no longer have the Fat Boys on the roster.)

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 39%

Match Quality: 75%

“Hi there kids, Chris Nowinski here. I want to let all the little boys out there in the audience know that girls don’t have kooties. Girls are beautiful and wonderful creatures that you should get to know better. That’s right, creatures, because they’re not humans. Get a girl and she’ll do all the stuff that you don’t like to do. She’ll mow your grass, eat your brussel sprouts, do your math homework, everything. Why? Because women are insecure bags of flesh who define themselves by the attentions of men. We are their gods. A woman looks to you for her natural place in life, barefoot and pregnant. True, most of you aren’t old enough to plant a seed in a girl’s belly that will take root, but you can make them barefoot. Tomorrow at recess, run around and steal all of the girls’ shoes. If a female teacher stops you, kick her in the knee and say ‘shut up girl, go make a sandwich.’ She might send you to the principal’s office, but the principal will let you off the hook because he’s a man. They would never let a woman be a school principal, because they are inferior sacks of flesh. However, be sure to remember that they don’t have kooties.”

Segment Rating: 78%

NO, YOU’RE THE MAN SINGLES MATCH FOR THE YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON TITLE

Arachniman vs Repo Man.

Match Background: This match is for the You Are a Good Person title.

The Match: Stun Gun from Arachniman! I still can't believe that was Austin's finisher at one point. Doctor Bomb connects and Repo landed hard. There's a two count on the pin. Repo Man is able to duck a clothesline attempt and connect with a counter clothesline. Arachniman hits a punch, but takes one right back. Again! A slugfest erupts in the ring! Arachniman takes a right hand to the temple from Repo. There's a two count on the pin. Side suplex from Repo. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Running clothesline from Repo Man was actually MIGHTY sloppy. Arachniman counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Gutwrench into a powerbomb, aka the Doctor Bomb and Repo hits hard. Covers for a quick two count. Arachniman plants Repo with an EXPLODAH~! suplex. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Hard impact Russian Leg Sweep by Arachniman. According to some other reviewers around here, 'legsweep' is one word. Double arm suplex by Arachniman connects as Repo hits hard. Repo counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Weak bodyslam on Arachniman by Repo sets up a legdrop. Flapjack from Repo on Arachniman. The Unfathomable Slag comes running down the aisle and onto the apron! Arachniman turns...and is dropped throat-first onto the top rope by Slag! The Unfathomable Slag has left Arachniman in big trouble. Repo Man moves in for the kill. Double Axe Handle! 1....2....3. The Unfathomable Slag obviously hasn't finished his attack yet! Arachniman stands up. The Unfathomable Slag floors Arachniman. The Unfathomable Slag signals - Naked BUTT Drop! The Unfathomable Slag eventually leaves, having caused enough damage.

My Opinion: -*. Somehow, you actually took AWAY from any enjoyment I could have had watching this.

Winner: Repo Man

(Negative stars in our second match. Who had that in the pool? Thing is, Dames makes every match sound like the greatest match since Flair vs. Steamboat and then he gives it a rating like David Flair vs. Vic Steamboat. The You are a Good Person title replaces the Lukewarm Shit title. We want the kids to know that maybe you’re not the best, but you’re still a good person. That’s why we put it on the most despicable human being I could find in the Repo Man. Did you think I would really stop booking while loaded on scotch? Arachniman is part of the gimmicks Borden bought from the WWE. I was pissed that Brad Armstrong wasn’t in the game and I sure wasn’t going to give the gimmick to Steve or Road Dog. The HSW sucks, but we don’t suck THAT bad. So, I looked around for a crappy, bad luchadore who wouldn’t feel demeaned by the part. Luckily, El Dandy showed up at my door. Literally, he had a sign that said will “wrestle for food” and was canvassing the neighborhood. I had him wax my car and threw him a ham sandwich. The Unfathomable Slag is our attempt to cash in on The Incredible Hulk mania sweeping the country this summer……we just didn’t get the memo that it fizzled out in about three and a half hours. He’s played by Mideon, aka Naked Mideon, aka Henry Godwinn, aka why aren’t you fucking dead? I left his finisher as the naked BUTT drop, just because naked butts are funny to the children. We did test marketing on all this stuff.)

Overall Rating: 47%

Crowd Reaction: 43%

Match Quality: 51%

The Unfathomable Slag retreats to the top of the ramp and gets on the microphone. Arachniman is going to get squashed like the bug he is. Arachniman grabs a mic and tells Slag that he’s not a bug, he’s an arachnid, that’s different. Hey kids, Arachniman is smart and what do we think of smart people? “Smart people suck!” Why? “Because Jesus wants us ignorant to fully appreciate his glory!” Elizabeth Borden has the kids in the audience already brainwashed.

Segment Rating: 66%

Deacon, Borden and Gonzalez enter the commissioner’s office. A big black chair sits behind a desk with its back to the camera. It spins around to reveal an old man in a giant foam rubber suit with his face sticking out of a hole in the middle. “Wacka-wacka-wacka! I’m Commissioner SpongeBob BacklundPants!” Deacon blinks and says, “Did I seriously see the Ding Dongs out there?” Borden turns on the boring exposition sign again. SpongeBob BacklundPants is their attempt to help the Disney people cash in on the popularity of Nickelodeon, AKA those hippie bastards. Although Elizabeth really can’t say “bastard,” she has to say “Clinton.” Borden explains that Deacon wants a position with the company. Backlund does the SpongeBob laugh, “no way, Squidworth!” Deacon snaps too and says that they have to hire him due to affirmative action. Affirmative action? Yeah, he’s a minority, a liberal. Borden yells, makes the sign of the cross and throws holy water on Deacon. She and SpongeBob confer and decide to let him be the color man for their Saturday morning show on the Disney Channel, The Rainbow Fun Hour. Gonzalez celebrates by shotgunning a can of creamed corn. “Ok, for real, those weren’t the Ding Dongs were they?”

Segment Rating: 67%

EARLY NINTIES WCW LIVES! TAG TEAM MATCH FOR THE HSW WORLD TAG TITLES

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti and Super Invader vs The Really, Really New Midnight Express

Match Background: This match is for the HSW World Tag titles.

The Match: Harry Smith strikes Invader. Harry hits a dropkick on Super Invader and gets right back up. Covers for a quick two count. Harry tags out to Orlando Jordan. The Really, Really New Midnight Express whip Invader into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. There's a two count on the pin. Weak bodyslam on Invader by Jordan sets up a legdrop. Orlando Jordan misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Back heel kick from Invader on Jordan but it misses by miles. Covers for a quick two count. Tag between Super Invader and Chris Chetti. Chris Chetti hits a sloppy double axe handle off the top. Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. THERE IT IS! A legdrop to the BACK OF THE HEAD! I swear, that makes any match just a little bit better. I don't mind telling you that every time I see it, that's for sure. Orlando Jordan powers out of a Chris Chetti headlock. Orlando Jordan with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Chetti. One more performed that badly and this match will end on a bad note, if you get my drift. Jordan tags out to Harry Smith. Spinning back kick from Harry Smith. Chetti tags out to Super Invader. Harry Smith hits a rolling kick on Invader. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Super Invader tries to get a big slam, but it is blocked when Harry goes to the eyes! Harry Smith quickly scores with a field-goal kick between the legs! Super Invader collapses! The referee didn't see the illegal blow! 1...2...3! Evan Karagias got screwed! Irish Wolfhounds come running down the aisle and into the ring! Harry turns...and gets floored by a clothesline. Jordan walks into a vicious boot to the face. Irish Wolfhounds set him up, and nail the Stereo Super Kick! Harry is grabbed...and he gets hit with the Stereo Super Kick as well! Irish Wolfhounds have done a number on them!

My Opinion: Nothing special...nothing special at all. *1/4

Winner: The Really, Really New Midnight Express

(Dames buys a sloppy double axe handle as a finisher, but he didn’t like the Repo Man match? Go figure. Super Invader is Joey Number who used to be Evan Karagias. Lizzy got all the lame masked gimmicks from the early nineties WCW in her deal, so Karagias is going to be performing under as a new gimmick every week. It should take him a couple years to cycle through all the horrible masked men he can be. We start with Super Invader, due to Scott Keith reminding me of him in a recent rant. He was Hercules Hernandez with panty hose on his head. Bad gimmick overall, perfect gimmick for the HSW. Post match, Harry Smith eats the pantyhose because he needs food. Orlando Jordan just walks around yelling at everybody and growling. That’s more irate than ostentatious, but keep trying.)

Overall Rating: 62%

Crowd Reaction: 54%

Match Quality: 70%

Deacon wanders backstage, amazed at all the changes. He runs into a guy wearing a long nightshirt with a knapsack slung over his shoulder. Deacon looks up…It’s the Sandman! Sandman is ecstatic to see Deacon. Where as ecstatic as he gets, which amounts to a “where the fuck have you been?” Don’t say fuck, say “what mommy and daddy do twice a month.” They’ve saddled him with this stupid gimmick of being an actual Sandman. He hasn’t had a drink in three months, because of the new rules. He’s kept his sanity by making moonshine on the side of out siphoned gas and Lizzy’s douche. Deacon is even more pissed off. This happy, crappy conservatism is not what he stands for. He stands for sex and drugs and more sex. Sandman says if he thinks this is bad, see who they stuck with him as the Blue Fairy. In walks KAOS! Kaos is wearing a blue fairy outfit with a wand and tiara. Kaos isn’t happy to see Deacon, because he fired him from XPW when he created the HSW (like anyone remembers that). Deacon tries to save face by saying that he’s happy to see he’s working and still…uh…gay. Kaos is not gay! Then why are you wearing a skirt? It’s not a skirt, it’s a leotard. Ok, how is that less gay? “Uh…can I get back to you on that?”

Segment Rating: 73%

I’LL GIVE YOU A RIDE SINGLES MATCH. TAKE THAT ANYONE YOU WANT.

Kaos the Blue Fairy vs “Carless” Mark Jindrak.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Jindrak walks into a high dropkick from Kaos the Blue Fairy, almost losing several teeth in the process. Jindrak blocks a kick from Kaos the Blue Fairy. Jindrak hits a right hand. The referee bumps after catching a wild right hand and is down. Mark Jindrak scores with a big spinebuster. Pinfall attempt, but the ref is out and can't count to three! Kaos the Blue Fairy pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Kaos uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Spinning bulldog in the corner and Jindrak is down! There's a two count on the pin. Springboard dropkick from Kaos the Blue Fairy. Nicely done. Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Jindrak ducks a wild right hand. Spinebuster by Mark Jindrak. Pin, but Kaos is out just before the three count. Kaos flips out of a Mark Jindrak bodyslam attempt. Kaos the Blue Fairy has Mark Jindrak down on the canvas. Here it comes...The Sweet Dreams! Mark Jindrak taps! Kaos the Blue Fairy leaves the ring and heads off down the aisle at speed. Kaos has the victory, and isn't hanging around for Mark Jindrak to look for revenge.

My Opinion: Bad match which brought absolutely nothing to the table and was a waste of time. DUD.

Winner: Kaos the Blue Fairy

(“At speed” or “on speed.” And what speed? I mean Ahmed Johnson moves at the speed of a slug, but it’s still at a speed. Now if I had Nash, he’s mostly in stasis, so that’s ok. I knew if I didn’t keep Jindrak I’d get death threats. It’s sad that he’s more over as a carless putz in some dork’s fantasy fed than he is in real life. Kaos had to get to the back because Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is coming on. He still has not clue why people ask him to rearrange their closets.)

Overall Rating: 54%

Crowd Reaction: 53%

Match Quality: 56%

Jimmy Jack Spock and T’Pol are in the back for a promo on the Sandman. Spock points at the camera and speaks, “Sandman! We have both survived the devastation of the pink slip plague to once again battle on the fields of Eliza for the right to wear the title that the gods forged from the fires of Hades in the time before time! Don’t do the time if you can’t do the time, Sandman! Keep your eye on the sparrow!” Elizabeth Borden interrupts to remind the kids that they hate Spock and T’Pol, because they’re aliens. Why do we hate aliens? “Because they’re different from us!” And why is it bad to be different from us? “Because conformity is tubular!”

Segment Rating: 79%

MEET THE NEW BOSS SAME AS THE OLD BOSS WARMED OVER SINGLES MATCH FOR THE HSW WORLD TITLE

Sandman vs Jimmy Jack Spock.

Match Background: Sandman and Spock are currently feuding. Neither has managed to get an in-ring victory in this feud. This match is for the HSW World title.

The Match: Some pretty weak shots by Sandman. Sandman hits some weak-looking punches in the corner, but Jimmy Jack Spock is able to block them and return the favor in spades. Sandman punches away at Jimmy Jack Spock. Big forearm by Sandman draws laughter from the crowd because it was THAT bad. Spock reverses a waistlock. Flying shoulder tackle by Spock sends Sandman CRASHING to the mat. Spinebuster by Jimmy Jack Spock. Covers for a quick two count. Sandman flips out of a Jimmy Jack Spock bodyslam attempt. Sandman DDTs Spock in a move that is so poorly executed, you can actually see that Jimmy Jack Spock's head didn't touch the mat at all. Hooks the leg for a two count. Sandman connects with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Does everyone use that move these days? Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Spock backdrops Sandman out of a piledriver attempt. That took a lot out of Jimmy Jack Spock. Trying to channel the spirit of Misawa, Jimmy Jack Spock ends up chanelling Lex Luger instead and nails a running forearm to the face, minus the steel plate, of course. Sandman blocks a kick from Jimmy Jack Spock. Sandman punches away at Jimmy Jack Spock. Sandman grapples with Jimmy Jack Spock, and positions himself so that the referee can't see...and hits a low blow! He rolls up the stunned Jimmy Jack Spock: 1....2....3!! What a cheap shot! The fight has started up again! Sandman attacks Spock, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting.

My Opinion: You barely escaped a DUD rating. 1/4*.

(The kids weren’t laughing at the forearm. They were laughing at Sandman’s nightshirt flipping up and showing his BUTT. If there’s one thing we’ve learned from the new HSW is that naked butts = ratings. Does anyone use the crappy standing spinebuster anymore, Dames? Apparently you don’t watch RAW. I think I’ll make a tag team of one guy who just does a standing spinebuster and another guy who only uses a sleeper hold. We’ll call them The World’s Greatest Triple H-esque Tag Team! Let me also tell you Dames that Spock was trying to channel Luger there. His name is Jimmy Jack Spock for crying out loud, think about it. Man, I’m ripping Dames about as much as I ripped Keith. Nothing against you man, you’re my brother from another mother and all, it’s just the way commentary comes out, I had a stronger engine in my old K-car.)

Overall Rating: 72%

Crowd Reaction: 82%

Match Quality: 51%

Overall Show Rating: 67% (because Lizzy would not allow a 69)

T.V. Rating: 1.37

Attendance: 419 children who were promised chocolate rabbits, but got caramelized opossums instead.

August 21, 2003

Lovely stuff. Nice to see family values in wrestling didn't die with WXO.

However, will Supreme be in the new HSW?Gotta capture that 4-12 pudding demographic.

King Cucaracha · August 21, 2003

SpongeBob Backlund Pants? :lol: Best...gimmick...ever.

Good to see you back Deacon.

Rendclaw · August 21, 2003

::shudders at Spongebob BacklundPants::

I can;t finish the thread.... I just can't....

August 21, 2003

YES YES YES

Welcome home Deacon

Zack Malibu · August 21, 2003

I see my competition has arrived.

::Rubs hands together and plots evilly::

Welcome back man, great show.

Lightning Flik · August 21, 2003

:lol: :lol: :lol:

I'm going to die

:lol: :lol: :lol:

from your new company...

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Deacon...

:lol: :lol: :lol:

I'm just going to die....

:lol: :lol: :lol:

From laughter...

:lol: :lol: :lol:

August 21, 2003

I had to read it twice, i fell about the place after i read the Chris Nowinski Skit

WrestlingDeacon · August 22, 2003

Thanks for all the positive comments for my return to fantasy booking. I'll have to get around to reading some of the other new feds that have cropped up...but I probably won't. I'm lazy like that, although I have scanned Zack's stuff, because Zack is dreamy.

HSW Rainbow Fun Hour for Saturday, September 6th 2003

Live from the Big Rock Candy Mountain

Hosts: Jon Ian and the Deacon

TODAY’S VOCABULARY WORD IS “SUCK” TAG TEAM MATCH

The Really, Really New Midnight Express (Hypoglycemic Harry Smith and Ostentatious Orlando Jordan) vs Multi-Culture Pals (Leprechaun Larry and the Musical Rabbi).

Match Background: This match is for the HSW World Tag titles. The Really, Really New Midnight Express have been HSW World Tag champions since 03 September 2003.

The Match: The Musical Rabbi takes a right hand to the temple from Jordan. I bet those hurt more than Sgt. Slaughter's Noogies. Rabbi takes a vertical suplex, but pops right back up. Orlando Jordan scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Could have been done a hell of a lot better though. Rabbi tags out to Leprechaun Larry. Leprechaun Larry hits Jordan. Larry walks into a drop toe hold. Larry receives some punishment by Orlando Jordan but with that horrid offense, we're the only ones truly being punished. Tag between Orlando Jordan and Harry Smith. The Really, Really New Midnight Express whip Larry into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Super kick by Harry Smith. Vicious kick to the teeth from Harry Smith. Tag to Orlando Jordan. Leprechaun Larry is in big trouble...Double Goozle!! 1....2....3! The Really, Really New Midnight Express signal to each other...and they attack Multi-Culture Pals! After an swift brawl, Larry and Rabbi are left down in the ring.

Winner: The Really, Really New Midnight Express

My Opinion: Bad match which brought absolutely nothing to the table and was a waste of time. DUD.

(At lest Dames made that match sound like it sucked before giving it a dud. The Multi-Culture Pals are a repackaged Politically Incorrect and, yes, I stole the name from “Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law.” Test marketing showed that children weren’t really into a drunken idiot and a tightfisted moneygrubber most already had that for parents. Poles showed that kids associated being Irish with leprechauns and being Jewish with bagels. We had a giant bagel suit, but The Miserly Jew refused to wear it, because Bob Backlund in his SpongeBob suit was giving him a creepy look. So, we just kind of threw darts at the Torah and came up with Musical Rabbi. He comes down to the ring dressed like a Hassidic Jew and playing a fiddle. I’m working on getting a mobile float with a roof he can stand on to take him to the ring. Post beat down, Harry Smith rips open a turnbuckle and eats the stuffing out of it like George Steele. Jordan stalks around trying to pick a fight and acting all cocky. I would say that’s more ornery then ostentatious, but at least it’s an O word.)

Overall Rating: 44%

Crowd Reaction: 44%

Match Quality: 55%

Now it’s time for everyone’s favorite new segment, Cooking with Gonzalez! Jolly Green Gonzalez is going to show the kids how they can make easy to prepare healthy snacks that will make their bodies strong in order to fight the liberal hordes. Gonzalez would like to introduce this week’s special guest, Chris Nowinski. Nowinski is going to show us how to prepare a staple of every child’s lunchbox. PCP? No, the sandwich. Nowinski comes onto the kitchen set and waves to the audience. “Let me show you how I, Chris Nowinski, make a sandwich. Hey, Lady Victoria, get your worthless hide in here and make me a sandwich.” Lady Victoria runs in and starts furiously making a sandwich. Gonzalez is a bit perplexed, “I thought you were going to show us how to make a sandwich.” Chris smirks, “This is how I do it at home. Making food is women’s work.” Victoria hands him the sandwich and he takes a bite. He spits it out in her face. “This is Hellman’s! Where’s the Miracle Whip you whore?” Don’t say whore, say “mommy’s sister Pam.” Nowinski throws down the sandwich and tells the children, “now I’m going to show you how to keep your pimp hand strong.” Nowinski starts beating up Victoria and Gonzalez stands in front of them to block the view. “Uh, sorry kids, that’s all the time we have for Cooking with Gonzalez this week. Maybe next week we can learn how to make that sandwich. Until then, why cream your pants when you can cream my corn.” Victoria cries and runaway. Nowinski gives chase. “Now spread your legs, I need my tangy zip!”

Segment Rating: 68%

FUCK STAN LEE RIP-OFF CHARACTERS SINGLES MATCH

Arachniman vs The Unfathomable Slag.

Match Background: Slag and Arachniman have been feuding recently. Neither has managed to get an in-ring victory in this feud.

The Match: The Unfathomable Slag takes a butterfly suplex from Arachniman. Massive back suplex! The Unfathomable Slag got snapped in half, but not literally because that would just end the match now wouldn't it. Hooks the leg for a two count. The Unfathomable Slag reverses a hip toss. Arachniman receives some punishment by The Unfathomable Slag but with that horrid offense, we're the only ones truly being punished. The Unfathomable Slag with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Arachniman. One more performed that badly and this match will end on a bad note, if you get my drift. Covers for a quick two count. Flapjack from Slag on Arachniman. Pin, but Arachniman is out just before the three count. Arachniman takes a vertical suplex, but pops right back up. Slag charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Slag takes a quick lariat. Covers for a quick two count. Arachniman brings out a jumping powerbomb to nearly murder Slag in the ring! Pin, but Slag is out just before the three count. Slag gets caught with a short powerbomb from Arachniman. Arachniman gets up and gives a Belly to belly suplex to Arachniman. Slag backdrops Arachniman out of a piledriver attempt. That took a lot out of The Unfathomable Slag. The Unfathomable Slag strikes Arachniman with a hard blow. Flapjack from Slag on Arachniman. The Unfathomable Slag floors Arachniman near the ropes and makes the pin. Slag is using the ropes for leverage! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! The Unfathomable Slag remains in the ring, celebrating the victory.

Winner: The Unfathomable Slag

My Opinion: DUD. I refuse to say any more about it.

(What’s a short powerbomb? Is that like when Rey Mysterio does the move on you or what? I’m impressed that El Dandy could get Mideon up, but then again El Dandy seems like he goes for seconds at Silver King’s barbecues. As you’ve guessed by now, Elizabeth Borden has brainwashed the kids into liking the heels and hating the faces. Why do we hate Arachniman kids? “Because he hides his face from us!” And why does he do that? “He’s probably a Kennedy!” Post match the Unfathomable Slag bums a dictionary off of the Midnight Express so he can look up what he is exactly.)

Overall Rating: 50%

Crowd Reaction: 57%

Match Quality: 54%

Ahmed Johnson is shown walking through the back. He’s dressed like a color blind 50 Cent and has Band-Aids all over his face. He looks right into the camera and starts rapping as he keeps walking. “My name is Fat Rhymes and I’m here to say/ I love Fruity Pebbles in a major way. I’m kicking naked BUTT and smelling like a rose/ Busting on Karagias with his head in pantyhose. Right now I’m going to take on Barney/going upside his head like Sean Connery in Marnie. I’ll slice him like he slices meat/ Then eat him on bread with some pickled pig’s feet. Word to your foster mother!” You guys are damn lucky I didn’t bring in PN News.

Segment Rating: 31%

YOU CAN BEAT MY PRICES, BUT YOU CAN’T BEAT MY MEAT SINGLES MATCH

Barney the Deli Worker vs Fat Rhymes.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Fat Rhymes punches away at Barney the Deli Worker only to get the tides turned quickly. Barney takes a weak kick. Weak slam from Rhymes sets Barney for something, but if it was as weak as that slam, then Barney has no worries. Barney takes a couple of weak clotheslines. Barney the Deli Worker elbows Fat Rhymes in the face to break a hammerlock. Weak bodyslam on Rhymes by Barney sets up a legdrop. Powerslam from Barney the Deli Worker on Rhymes. Covers for a quick two count. Fat Rhymes pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Fat Rhymes hits a sloppy ass bulldog off the ropes. There's a two count on the pin. Fat Rhymes connects with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Does everyone use that move these days? Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Barney flips out of a Fat Rhymes bodyslam attempt. Rhymes receives some punishment by Barney the Deli Worker but with that horrid offense, we're the only ones truly being punished. Rhymes backdrops Barney the Deli Worker out of a piledriver attempt. That took a lot out of Fat Rhymes. Fat Rhymes punches away at Barney the Deli Worker. Fat Rhymes moves in for the kill. Here it comes - Powerslam. 1....2...3, it's finished. The fight has started up again! Barney the Deli Worker attacks Rhymes, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting.

Winner: Fat Rhymes

My Opinion: -*. Somehow, you actually took AWAY from any enjoyment I could have had watching this.

(I would have been shocked if a match between Abdullah the Butcher and Ahmed Johnson didn’t get negative stars. Yes, Barney is Adbullah the Butcher. However, the name ‘Abdullah’ and the title of ‘butcher’ was considered not to be that kid friendly. So we went with the tamer deli worker. The name Barney was chosen through our test marketing of kids. The top two choices were “Barney” or “Mr. Senor Poopy Pants.” Trust me, you don’t want Adbullah the Butcher known as ‘poopy pants.’ Borden’s brainwashing isn’t quite working though. The kids can’t get behind a guy who’s man boob hang over the waistband of his pants. Actually, the reason they continued to brawl after the match was because Abdullah had a Ho-Ho stuck under his left tit and Ahmed was trying to get at it. One might be thinking that it should be ‘Phat Rhymes,’ but it’s Ahmed Johnson, trust me, Fat Rhymes is proper. )

Overall Rating: 36%

Crowd Reaction: 25%

Match Quality: 55%

T’Pol is in the back talking to Terry Funk. He wants to tag with Jimmy Jack Spock tonight against Sandman and Kaos. T’Pol explains to him that she did the mind transference so Funk could retire and enjoy the sweet life out in the beautiful San Fernando Valley. Now, that he’s mind wiped, he’s not the man he used to be, but he wasn’t quite the man he used to be when he still was the man he used to be. Funk doesn’t want to retire, he wants to be helpful. Kaos walks by on his way to the ring and scoffs. “You’re more disgusting than The Unfathomable Slag wearing white after Labor Day.” Terry cries and T’Pol tells Kaos, “that’s big talk from a guy wearing a skirt.” “It’s not a skirt! It’s a…a…alternative choice garment.” “How is that less gay?” “Uh…I’ll have to get back to you on that.”

Segment Rating: 69%

Sandman and Kaos the Blue Fairy vs Jimmy Jack Spock and “Carless” Mark Jindrak.

Match Background: Sandman and Spock have been feuding recently. Spock has yet to get an in-ring victory in this feud. Sandman is the reigning HSW World champion, and has been since 03 September 2003.

The Match: Spock scoops and slams Sandman. What's the difference between a scoop slam and a body slam anyway? Bodyslam by Spock. There's a two count on the pin. Tag to Mark Jindrak. Spock \ Jindrak whip Sandman into the corner. Jimmy Jack Spock whips Mark Jindrak in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Hooks the leg for a two count. Running knee lift from Mark Jindrak. Jindrak goes for a splash but Sandman puts the knees up. Sandman hits a stump piledriver on Mark Jindrak. Hooks the leg for a two count. Sandman tags out to Kaos the Blue Fairy. Super kick by Kaos the Blue Fairy. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Flying elbow from Kaos the Blue Fairy connects. Kaos the Blue Fairy gets taken down out of nowhere! Bodyslam by Jindrak. Tag between Mark Jindrak and Jimmy Jack Spock. Kaos is a glutton for punishment and just continues to take it during this match. Kaos tags out to Sandman. Bodyslam by Spock. Sandman climbs to the top rope, ready to leap at Spock. Kaos the Blue Fairy bounces off the ropes for an elbow drop without seeing his partner, and crotches Sandman by accident. Jimmy Jack Spock moves in for the kill. Here it comes – Kirk Jerk. 1....2...3, it's finished. Terry Funk comes running down the aisle with a chair, and gets into the ring! Funker misses Kaos with a chair shot! Kaos the Blue Fairy grabs the chair, and knocks Terry Funk to the canvas with it! Funker gets a taste of his own medicine!

Winner: Spock and Jindrak

My Opinion: I'll give a 1\2* rating because they were actually able to hit a couple of spots.

(Yes, one of my top feuds is between a closet homosexual and a geriatric retard. Somewhere Vince McMahon is jizzing himself and writing that idea down. And is there a gayer way to lose a match than not seeing your partner going up top and bouncing off the ropes to make him crotch himself? Although, since Kaos did it, it seems appropriate. Kaos continues to beat the crap out of Funk so the rest of the guys kick back and watch with a nice, cold Fresca. Sandman prays for death every night.)

Overall Rating: 58%

Crowd Reaction: 68%

Match Quality: 59%

Jimmy Jack Spock waves down a peanut vendor to get a bag to go with his Fresca. He eats a handful and gives a funny face. Wait…these aren’t peanuts, these are Brazil nuts! Ha, loser! The peanut vendor cold cocks Spock with his tray and reveals himself to be HONKY TONK ORTON! He hits Spock with the Shake, Rattle and Orton and keeps Jindrak at bay with the promise of a ride to the Y so he can have somewhere to sleep tonight. Cool, Kaos loves going to the YMCA. Jindrak runs off screaming. The kids are pretty apathetic, as they don’t know who Orton is. They’re not too sure what ‘tonk’ is either, but Fat Rhymes told them that they were all honkies earlier, so he must be cool. Orton celebrates by doing the Hammer Dance. Go Honky! Go Honky! Go Honky! Stop! Honky Time!

Segment Rating: 76%

Overall Show Rating: 56%

TV Rating: 1.48

Attendance: 408 kids who think Fat Rhymes needs mental help, they’re people, not crackers.

August 22, 2003

YES, YES HONKY TONK ORTON RULES ALL

August 28, 2003

Can't wait to see how the Gonad Whacker is repackaged...

August 28, 2003

I'm holding out for Coat-Rack Stevie Richards myself

WrestlingDeacon · August 30, 2003

Sorry for the delay in getting the next show up. I want to do about two shows a week, but have been caught up with some stuff this past week. I’ve also been goofing around on EWR with an all women’s fed and, yes, I did name it GLOW. I’d post it here, but it’s too painful to be funny. Although the all chick wargames was a sight to behold and match of the year thus far is a first blood encounter between Gail Kim and Victoria at ¾ of a star. Most nights I average -* and disgust Dames so much he can’t get it up to all the poontang on screen.

HSW Pretty Kittens for Wednesday, September 11 2003

Live from the Big Rock Candy Mountain

Hosts: Kevin Kelly and Todd Keneley

Elizabeth Borden corners Deacon in the back spiking the complimentary bowl of Hawaiian Punch for the kiddies. She is not happy with his first show as color commentator on The Happy Fun Hour. He said hell 16 times, fart 12 times and referred to the Unfathomable Slag as a “Hell-Fart.” Deacon is sorry, he’s still trying to work out the bugs (you never know what you bring back in your luggage from Mexico) and get used to the new style. To make it up to her, Deacon would like to present Borden with her own pet and mascot for the program, a pretty kitten. Borden looks a little suspicious, she’s especially perplexed by the cat being soaking wet. “What am I supposed to do with a wet pussy?” Deacon shrugs, “I’m sure you have plenty of experience dealing with a wet pussy by yourself.” SpongeBob BacklundPant waddles up in his suit and starts playing with the cat. Borden screams, “stop stroking my wet pussy.” Backlund looks crestfallen, “If I had a nickel for every time a woman told me that, I’d have $4.75.”

Segment Rating: 78%

ELVIS WORE A CAPE AND COULD MAKE FOOD DISAPPEAR SINGLES MATCH

The Great Chetti-Etti! vs Bilvis Wesley.

Match Background: None.

The Match: STIFF high kick on Bilvis by The Great Chetti-Etti!. The Great Chetti-Etti! snap suplexes Bilvis HARD to the canvas! And again! A pair of clotheslines follow and...yep, Chetti is a HOUSE...EN...FUEGO~! Powerslam from The Great Chetti-Etti! on Bilvis. Tor-NADO DDT from The Great Chetti-Etti!, Bilvis got planted! The Great Chetti-Etti! moves in for the kill. Here it comes - Magic Wedgie. 1....2...3, it's finished.

Winner: The Great Chetti-Etti!

My Opinion: DUD. I refuse to say any more about it.

(Chetti was losing heat because of his weak gimmick, that being the cousin to Tazz. Although I’m sure if I could bring Tazz in and make him spin around like a top while slobbering, it would help to get them both over. Actually, that’s how Tammy Sytch was going to come in, but then I would wind up having to foot her rehab bills after a month. Borden got into her book of “Craptastic Gimmicks bought from Vince McMahon” and found that we had the rights to Phantasio and his dreaded Magic Wedgie finisher. Chetti is now a children’s magician available for birthday parties, graduations and bar mitzvahs. Although let him know that it’s a bar mitzvah in advance so he can take out the “box full of Hitlers” trick.)

Overall Rating: 46%

Crowd Reaction: 37%

Match Quality: 56%

The returning Honky Tonk Orton walks through the back to find Bilvis Wesley post match. He has a match with Jimmy Jack Spock tonight after attacking him on the Happy Fun Hour and wants to make sure that the Memphis Mafia is ready to back him up. Well…there’s a small problem with that. After Borden took over, she cut Disgraceland and the Honky Tonk Man and disbanded the Mafia, saying that they were not suitable for children. They can change the word Mafia to something less violent like a group or a gang or a murder, like crows. A Memphis Murder. No, no, no, that wasn’t her problem. She thought the whole Elvis, honky tonk thing was too outdated for children and wanted Bilvis to come up with something more modern that the kids could relate to. Bilvis ushers Orton into their new dressing room, which turns out to be a giant dance floor with spinning strobe lights and “Boogie Fever” playing. Two guys run up in leisure suits, one wearing a lucha mask that he picked up at Psychosis’ garage sale. Bilvis would like to introduce Disco Fury and Disco Machine, the Disco Ducks and together, they are THE DISCO HONKIES! All the swinging tikes love disco. Orton hangs his head and asks for a fistful of ‘ludes while the guys start dancing. Wait, why didn’t Bilvis get fired? “I got Lizzy some milk for her wet pussy.” She didn’t have the cat then. “Cat…yeah…riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.”

Segment Rating: 77%

RICK DEES INVITATIONAL TAG MATCH

Irish Wolfhounds vs Disco Ducks.

Match Background: None.

The Match: SUPER frankensteiner on Machine, who hit hard and is loopy as a result. Machine tags out to Disco Fury. Disco Fury takes a flying neckbreaker from Davey Man Smith. Tag to The Nitroglycerin Kid. Flying reverse elbow by The Nitroglycerin Kid. Tag between Disco Fury and Disco Machine. Machine takes a NICE hurrancarana from The Nitroglycerin Kid. DDT from the top rope by The Nitroglycerin Kid. That looked KILLER. Disco Machine is all alone...Stereo Super Kick!! 1....2....3! The Really, Really New Midnight Express come running down the aisle with chairs! They slide in behind Irish Wolfhounds...and drop them with stereo chair shots! The Really, Really New Midnight leave the ring, the damage done.

Winners: The Irish Wolfhounds

My Opinion: *1/4 rating. Don't be upset. There are people in third world countries who can barely afford one star, let alone one and a quarter.

(With all this stereo stuff going on the Disco Ducks will have to hook up their quadraphonic sound. Our test marketing shows that children have short attention spans and that’s why the first two matches have been so short. The Ritalin truck is being held up at the state border. Post match the Disco Ducks start shucking and jiving to scare off the other teams. Orlando Jordan thinks about hanging out, because shucking and jiving might be ostentatious of him, possibly even obsequious, purple and clairvoyant. It’s hard to work a gimmick when you don’t know what it is. Hypoglycemic Harry Smith raids the Disco Honkies dressing room in hopes that their seventies obsession has left Devil Dogs and Tab lying around. Ok, that’s an O word, can’t I just be Obsessive? No! The kids need to learn of Ostentaciousness, whatever that might be.)

Overall Rating: 56%

Crowd Reaction: 37%

Match Quality: 75%

Terry Funk runs out to the ring with his underpants on his head and T’Pol giving chase. T’Pol tries to drag him away, but he kicks and punches at her and demands a microphone. He wants a match with Kaos the Blue Fairy TONIGHT! There’s really no reason to capitalize ‘tonight,’ I thought it might make things seem more interesting than they are. Kaos comes out to the top of the entrance stage and throws Peppermint Patties to the kids from his fairy basket (I want to make that sound kinkier, but not sure how). Kaos says that Funk is not man enough to face him, this coming from a guy wearing a skirt. It’s not a skirt it’s a lower body frock. Ok, how is that less gay? Uh…er…Terry Funk has underwear on his head! T’Pol has been reading Funk the Captain Underpants books before going to bed at night and he is drawing inspiration from his hero. His underpants give him courage. His underpants give him pride. His underpants smell like rotten cheese and poopy. THAT DOESN’T MATTER! Kaos says he’ll see Funk later in the show, right now he has to go tape John Tesh Live from Red Rocks off of A&E.

Segment Rating: 69%

A REPO MAN AND A MEXICAN? THAT’S JUST TOO EASY OF A SETUP SINGLES MATCH FOR THE YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON TITLE

Paunch Estrada vs Repo Man.

Match Background: This match is for the You Are a Good Person title. Repo Man has been You Are a Good Person champion since 03 September 2003.

The Match: Repo Man hits a right hand on Paunch Estrada and follows it up with a couple more. Wack kick from Repo. Repo Man hits a right hand on Paunch Estrada. Big kick from Repo staggers Estrada but that's about it. Estrada blocks a punch. Paunch Estrada hits a rolling kick on Repo. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Flying cross body off the top rope! Covers for a quick two count. Repo blocks a kick from Paunch Estrada. Repo Man hits a sloppy double axe handle off the top. Covers for a quick two count. Side suplex from Repo. Pin, but Estrada is out just before the three count. Repo charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Paunch Estrada connects with a back heel kick on Repo and gets back up quickly. Repo Man elbows Paunch Estrada in the face to break a hammerlock. Paunch Estrada takes a right hand to the temple from Repo. Boss Man comes running down the aisle and into the ring! Paunch Estrada turns around. Boss Man spins Estrada around. Boss Man hits the Boss Man Slam! Boss Man leaves the ring, the damage done! The ref gets into position, administers the three count, and it's over. Repo Man pins Estrada. Boss Man isn't finished with his attack yet! Paunch Estrada stands up...and walks into a boot to the gut from Boss Man. Boss Man Slam!!! Paunch Estrada has been put down on the canvas! Boss Man shakes his head and raises three fingers instead. Estrada gets picked up...and hit with another Boss Man Slam! Paunch Estrada is spread-eagled on the canvas. Boss Man again raises three fingers. Referees hit the ring, but are too scared to get too close. They can't stop this carnage...Boss Man Slam, the third one in a row! Boss Man eventually leaves the ring, as medics come to attend to Estrada, who isn't moving.

Winner: Repo Man

My Opinion: You barely escaped a DUD rating. 1/4*.

(“Wack kick.” Does Dames mean that was the name of the kick, or the sound of the kick or that the kick was pretty wack? Honestly I couldn’t see anything about the Repo Man being wack, sick, gnarly or so awesome it was almost tubular. All those Boss Man Slams were pretty wack though. If they were Triple H Pedrigrees we’d all be eating bean dip and Pauch’s wake by now. Boss Man wasn’t holding three fingers up to signal how many times he was going to hit his finisher, Sandman told him to go out there and try to order some scotch.)

Overall Rating: 55%

Crowd Reaction: 51%

Match Quality: 59%

Boss Man grabs a ringside microphone while the paramedics (Re: Pauch’s cousins from Baja) continue to administer to Estrada. Boss Man has joined the HSW because Vince fired him, stating that A-Train was a better worker and his sister has a meth habit he has to support. No! Remember, the kids, stay in kayfabe. Boss Man is there, because Estrada is a disgrace to policemen everywhere. Even the kids in the audience recognize this. What is Estrada kids? “A dirty Mexican!” And why don’t we like him? “Because he’s dirty and Mexican!” And why is he that way? “Because God hates him!” And why does God hate him? “His mother voted for Jimmy Carter in 1976!”

Segment Rating: 66%

Chris Nowinski is in the back standing on a pedestal while Lady Victoria hems his pants, waxes his back hair, tapes the entire first season of Knight Rider and, of course, makes him a sandwich. Nowinski is more concerned by these petty, menial chores than the match he has next with Carless Mark Jindrak. “Remember boys, women are shallow and dim creatures and you have to keep their attention with shiny objects that go vroom-vroom like a ’66 Mustang. However, if you’re as good as me you can get your woman to buy YOU a sweet car like that. Lady Victoria got me a Mustang for my last birthday, after I told her to. Sure, her mother needed that kidney operation, but I was positive that I could make a dialysis machine and run it through the carburetor. It would have worked to, if SOMEBODY hadn’t taped over all of my instructional videos.” Nowinski slaps Lady Victoria in the back of the head as she scurries about below him. “Ow! I honestly didn’t know that MacGyver reruns were that important to my mother’s health.”

Segment Rating: 89%

IT’S EASY TO TELL WHO THE REAL MAN IS HERE SINGLES MATCH. WAIT…DON’T ANSWER THAT QUESTION

“Carless” Mark Jindrak vs Chris Nowinski.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Nowinski strikes away at Mark Jindrak, not doing much damage at all. Nowinski strikes away at Mark Jindrak, not doing much damage at all. Weak bodyslam on Jindrak by Nowinski sets up a legdrop. Jindrak gets splashed in the corner. Mark Jindrak fights out of a grapple. Rude Awakening neckbreaker on Chris Nowinski by Jindrak. Remember when that was a legit finish? Full nelson slam on Nowinski. Covers for a quick two count. Nowinski ducks a wild right hand. Weak bodyslam by Nowinski. There's a two count on the pin. Nowinski DDTs Mark Jindrak. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Mark Jindrak pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Jindrak hits a right hand. Mark Jindrak misses a clothesline. Nowinski slams Mark Jindrak down. Jindrak is sure in trouble now. Chris Nowinski gets a roll-up...and grabs a handful of tights as well! The referee doesn't see it: 1....2...3!! The fight has started up again! Mark Jindrak attacks Nowinski, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting.

Winner: Chris Nowinski

My Opinion: When I give out 3/4*, it means that I'm being REALLY nice about it.

(The HSW transition move of choice: the weak bodyslam. The more things change the more they stay the same. Like Fat Rhymes wanting to form a backing group called Waffle House of Pain. This actually wasn’t a bad match. It was damn good for us. Hell, it was damn good for a RAW main event these days. Where’s the love Dames? Show me some dap. I want some dap for knowing what dap means. Jindrak and Nowinski keep brawling until Nowiniski keeps grabbing Lady Victoria and pulling her in the way to take shots to the face. Jindrak starts feeling dirty and quits to go call his mother and apologize for those times he was caught hot wiring cars in kindergarten.)

Overall Rating: 62%

Crowd Reaction: 61%

Match Quality: 63%

Kaos and Terry Funk come down to the ring for their match. The bell rings and Kaos refuses to fight until he takes those damn silly underpants off of his head. Funk attacks Kaos and chokes him out with the underpants until the referee has no choice but to disqualify Funk for illegal use of tighty whiteys. Sandman runs in from the back with The Baseball Bat of Mild Discomfort as Presented by Bank One (formerly the Gonad Whacker). Sandman slides into the ring and blindsides Funk by telling him that Thomas the Tank Engine was giving people rides out to the parking lot. Kaos and Sandman proceed to beat Funk down with the bat until a blur of a man races out of the back. He quickly cleans house, because Kevin Kelly refuses to do windows, then beats up Kaos and Sandman to send them running. Finally the camera focuses in to reveal……Tatanka? Wait a minute, that’s not Tatanka, that’s Supreme dressed like Tatanka. What the hell is he doing? “Tatanka” prances around the ring chanting “Me Tatanka, Mighty Buffalo!” Terry Funk pulls himself off the mat and offers “Tatanka” his underpants in friendship. “Tatanka” accepts and sheds a tear while Kaos just shakes his head from the top of the ramp. “And people say I’m gay. But, I’m not! I’m not gay!” (Trust me, I’ll clear this all up next show.)

Segment Rating: 71%

I SAW ELVIS IN A UFO SINGLES MATCH

Honky Tonk Orton vs Jimmy Jack Spock.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Jimmy Jack Spock connects with rights and lefts and Honky Tonk Orton is down! STIFF~! chop lights up Orton who covers up to try and stop the agonizing PAIN! BIG clothesline on Orton. Running knee lift from Jimmy Jack Spock. Orton powers out of a headlock. Bodyslam by Orton. Full nelson slam on Spock. Covers for a quick two count. Spock reverses a waistlock. Spock hits a piledriver on Honky Tonk Orton. That used to end matches, you know. Hooks the leg for a two count. DEATH VALLEY DRIVAH~! by Jimmy Jack Spock just KILLS Honky Tonk Orton! Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Orton kicks Jimmy Jack Spock in the gut to reverse the momentum. Orton slams Jimmy Jack Spock. Orton walks into a drop toe hold. Spock slams Honky Tonk Orton down and motions to the crowd. Sandman runs down the aisle and into the ring, carrying a chair! Spock turns...and gets floored with a chair to the head! The referee has no choice but to call for the bell! Disqualification! Jimmy Jack Spock fights back, and has soon sent both Honky Tonk Orton and Sandman into retreat.

Winner: Jimmy Jack Spock

My Opinion: I'll give this a ***1\4 rating. If I left it up to you, you'd probably think it was the greatest match ever! Keep trying...

(And they say that pot causes short-term memory loss. Sandman couldn’t remember if he was supposed to interfere in the last match or this one, so he just did both. Lack of drugs and alcohol is making him worst. It’s like all that junk had his body well preserved like formaldehyde. Hell, he used to drink formaldehyde as a chaser for Goldenschlager. Orton and Sandman retreat to the back where they try to top each other with who has the worst lackey.)

Overall Rating: 82%

Crowd Reaction: 82%

Match Quality: 83%

Overall Rating: 69% (must have been the promise of wet pussy)

TV Rating: 1.20

Attendance: 411 children who creep out their parents by wanting wet pussy at home.

iliketurtles · August 30, 2003

I laughed my ass off with the Terry Funk streaker part as well as Honky Tonk Orton.

Great stuff.

August 30, 2003

Supr... Tatanka AND Baseball Bat of Mild Discomfort as Presented by Bank One~!! in one night! Ther's the reason for the ratings bump right there...

August 30, 2003

lol, that last show was some funny stuff.

Zack Malibu · August 30, 2003

Goddammit, I had planned on using the Disco guys as a team in the near future!

Curse you Deacon and your offbeat sense of humor!

Good show, though.

Lightning Flik · August 30, 2003

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Oh man... I so want you, Zack, and madmatt to get TEW just so we can have you three battle with those feds my friends. IT'D BE GREAT~!

Man, that show was great.

WrestlingDeacon · September 4, 2003

HSW Rainbow Fun Hour for Saturday, September 14th, 2003

Live from the Big Rock Candy Mountain

Hosts: Jon Ian and the Deacon

A Singles Match of Metaphoric Commentary on the Police Force of America or Something I Threw Together at the Last Minute? You Decide.

Boss Man vs The Blackmailer.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Wack kick from Boss Man. Uninspired brawling from Boss Man. Boss Man strikes away at The Blackmailer, not doing much damage at all. There's a two count on the pin. Weak bodyslam on Blackmailer by Boss Man sets up a legdrop. Hooks the leg for a two count. Boss Man misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. The Blackmailer strikes Boss Man. Hooks the leg for a two count. Back heel kick from Blackmailer on Boss Man but it misses by miles. Boss Man blocks a kick from The Blackmailer. Boss Man DDTs The Blackmailer. The Blackmailer is in trouble. Here it comes - Boss Man Slam. 1....2...3, it's finished. Boss Man gives a murderous look toward The Blackmailer...and attacks! Blackmailer gets dropped to the canvas, then battered with a barrage of rights and lefts. Boss Man leaves the ring having left Blackmailer down and out.

Winner: Boss Man

My Opinion: Bad match which brought absolutely nothing to the table and was a waste of time. DUD.

(The Blackmailer is Evan Kariagas in another random masked man gimmick from early ‘90’s WCW. He tried to get into character by showing Boss Man incriminating photos he had of him and Nailz in prison in Cobb County, Georgia. Gives a whole new meaning to the term “nightstick.” Probably “cobb” too. I’m told it was a rainy night in Georgia, the lights went out and then they all got on a midnight train. And if anybody gets that, you’re on entirely too much drugs.)

Overall Rating: 48%

Crowd Reaction: 53%

Match Quality: 56%

Elizabeth Borden and SpongeBob BacklundPants find Supreme in the back with Terry Funk’s underpants on his noggin like a headdress. Borden has discovered that the doctors have not cleared Supreme to wrestle from his pudding related knee injury. Supreme insists “Me no Supreme! Me Tatanka Mighty Buffalo! Me wrestle! Me healthy!” Borden gives Supreme a funny look while Backlund just waddles around in his SpongeBob suit and talks about crabs. Ok, Borden insists that “Tatanka” sign a waiver before they allow him to wrestle. Not so much for his safety but to clear them of any responsibility if he actually wrestles as sloppy as the real Tatanka. Borden hopes to trick Supreme into signing his real name, but he just draws a picture of a buffalo. Borden has Backlund sign the waiver as commissioner and he draws a giant squid eating the buffalo. Some days Lizzy wishes she was still a two bit whore with her feet in the air and a song in her heart.

Segment Rating: 58%

Will Eating You Give Me Explosive Diarrhea Singles Match

The Nitroglycerin Kid vs Hypoglycemic Harry Smith.

Match Background: The Really, Really New Midnight Express and Irish Wolfhounds have been feuding recently. Neither team holds an in-ring victory since the feud started.

The Match: Harry Smith connects with a back heel kick on Kid and gets back up quickly. Spinning back kick from Harry Smith. Implant DDT by Harry Smith! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Spin kick by Harry Smith to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. The Nitroglycerin Kid avoids a Harry Smith avalanche by getting out of the damn way! The Nitroglycerin Kid hits a rolling kick on Harry. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Kid crushes Harry with a huge legdrop. There's a two count on the pin. Harry Smith fights out of a grapple. Super kick by Harry Smith. Hooks the leg for a two count. Vicious kick to the teeth from Harry Smith. Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Harry goes for a splash but Kid puts the knees up. The Nitroglycerin Kid strikes Harry. The Nitroglycerin Kid gets taken down out of nowhere! Harry hits a dropkick on The Nitroglycerin Kid and gets right back up. Harry whips Kid into the turnbuckles...and the ref is crushed! The Nitroglycerin Kid floors Harry, then signals for the Nitro Driver. Meanwhile, Harry Smith has something in his hands. Kid comes over...and gets nailed with a set of brass knuckles! The referee wakes up to see the pinfall: 1....2....3! It's over. The fight has started up again! The Nitroglycerin Kid attacks Harry, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting.

Winner: Hypoglycemic Harry Smith

My Opinion: It was close to a ** match, but I just can't stand too many blown spots. *3/4

(What we know about Dames: he loves implant DDT’s, he hates rolling kicks, he buys a kick to the teeth as a finisher, he loves pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. I need a better finisher name than Nitro Driver for the Nitroglycerin Kid. That sounds like some sort of last ditch ratings ploy Eric Bischoff used during the dying days of WCW. “Tune in Monday for WCW NITRO DRIVER~!” Post match, Smith breaks off the brawl and eats the pair of brass knuckles. What? You never heard of a knuckle sandwich? Damn, that was a lame joke even for me and I’m the guy that came up with the FlockNest Monster.)

Overall Rating: 59%

Crowd Reaction: 58%

Match Quality: 75%

Welcome to Cooking with Gonzalez! This week Gonzalez has the perfect guest to show the kids how to make that sandwich, Barney the Deli Worker (Abdullah the Butcher for those who can’t be bothered to read previous shows and Leonard Shelby). Barney notes that the first thing you need to do is slice your meat. As opposed to beating your meat for those boys out there reaching that certain age; wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more. Barney gets his meat cutter fired up…and…there is just something so intoxicating…bout that lovely spinning blade…so sharp… Barney attempts to blade him on the meat cutter and Gonzalez attempts to hold him back. Abdullah is going through blading withdrawal worse than Sandman without booze. “Tatanka” prances in while war whooping and uses the distraction to raid the refrigerator on Gonzalez’s set, looking for pudding. All he finds in the fridge are heads of cauliflower and the damn thing isn’t even plugged in. You mean this isn’t even a real kitchen? “T.V. lie to Tatanka again. First no Mayberry, now this. Tatanka disillusioned. Tatanka disillusioned that he know the word disillusioned. Must no talk to Midnight Express.” Barney tries to make friends with “Tatanka” by attempting to blade him with the meat cutter. “Tatanka” is scared of spinny metal thing and attacks Barney. They rumble off the set and Gonzalez dejectedly eats a head of cauliflower. He swallows it whole too, damned thing you’ll ever see.

Segment Rating: 53%

The Great Chetti-Etti! is in the back practicing magic tricks. Honky Tonk Orton walks by with his fingers in his ears while the Disco Ducks dance behind him to a boom box blaring “More, More, More” by the Andrea True Connection. Chetti stops Orton and asks if he can see his watch. Orton is distracted enough to let him see it. Chetti wraps the watch in a handkerchief, blows on it and then smashes it with a sledgehammer. He pulls a box out from the under the table, opens the lid and gives Orton back his wallet. “Hey, I gave you a watch! You jerk! Let’s fight!” You have to keep match setups simple for the kiddies. Both men storm off to prepare for their match. The Disco Ducks check out the wallet and look at the driver’s license, “Hey, who’s Jimmy Hoffa?”

Segment Rating: 73%

This Booking is Fucked up Even for Me Singles Match

"Tatanka" vs Barney the Deli Worker.

Match Background: None.

The Match: "Tatanka" strikes away at Barney the Deli Worker, not doing much damage at all. Uninspired brawling from "Tatanka". "Tatanka" with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Barney. One more performed that badly and this match will end on a bad note, if you get my drift. "Tatanka" slams Barney the Deli Worker down. Barney is sure in trouble now. Barney the Deli Worker fights out of a grapple. Weak bodyslam on "Tatanka" by Barney sets up a legdrop. Weak bodyslam by Barney. Hooks the leg for a two count. "Tatanka" powers out of a Barney the Deli Worker headlock. Big clothesline from "Tatanka". Covers for a quick two count. "Tatanka" scores with a poor standing spinebuster. Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Barney reverses a "Tatanka" hammerlock. Barney strikes away at "Tatanka", not doing much damage at all. "Tatanka" powers out of a headlock. Big kick from "Tatanka" staggers Barney but that's about it. Barney the Deli Worker gets knocked to the ground by "Tatanka", who is already climbing the turnbuckle. Off the top - Mecca Toad Splash, forget about it. 1....2...3! Sandman comes running down the aisle with the Baseball Bat of Mild Discomfort as Presented by Bank One! "Tatanka" is just leaving the ring...and Sandman scores with a brutal bat shot! "Tatanka" falls to the floor holding his head.

Winner: “Tatanka”

My Opinion: I'll give it a *3/4 rating. If you think of it like currency, it's a 1.75. You can't even take the subway with that anymore here. Work harder man.

(I know I should change his finisher to the Papoose to Go, but I like the name Mecca Toad Splash. Sounds like a zydeco funk band from Japan. Check out that match quality and we still on got a star and a quarter. I guess nothing could convince Dames that he wasn’t watching Supreme fighting Abdullah the Butcher. He’s damn lucky this wasn’t a triple threat match with Fat Rhymes, but just wait until next show. And see what I mean about “Tatanka” nearly killing people with his sloppy ring work. Dames knows what I’m talking about.)

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 54%

Match Quality: 75%

Sandman continues to wail on “Tatanka” with the Baseball Bat of Mild Discomfort as Presented by Bank One when Terry Funk runs in for the save. Unfortunately, he’s no Eric Gagne as Sandman proceeds to beat him down as well. “Tatanka” throws Funk his underpants back and tells him to draw strength from them. Sandman gets a whiff of the stench and passes out. Funk takes the ball bat and the two new friends run off because they think they heard an ice cream truck.

Segment Rating: 71%

I’m Gonna’ Pull a Rabbit Out of YOUR Ass Singles Match

Honky Tonk Orton vs The Great Chetti-Etti!.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Honky Tonk Orton connects with rights and lefts and The Great Chetti-Etti! is down! Rude Awakening neckbreaker on The Great Chetti-Etti! by Orton. Remember when that was a legit finish? Massive backbreaker on Chetti and I get happy flashbacks to Bret Hart's Five Moves of DOOM. Honky Tonk Orton scores with a standing spinebuster. Honky Tonk Orton grapples with The Great Chetti-Etti!, and positions himself so that the referee can't see...and hits a low blow! He rolls up the stunned The Great Chetti-Etti!: 1....2....3!! What a cheap shot! Honky Tonk Orton goes into the crowd, where he celebrates his victory

Winner: Honky Tonk Orton

My Opinion: This match gets two stars from me. Nothing more, nothing less. **

(Apparently there was a special episode of Bear in the Big Blue House coming on and we had to wrap the show up early. I hear the bear actually leaves the house. Damn if Chetti didn’t get squashed like that egg in the newspaper trick. And boy is that a gay ass trick. It’s Kaos’ favorite though. “Fuck! I’m not even on the damn show and he’s still making gay jokes about me. I’m not gay though! Stop looking at me! I’m not gay!”)

Overall Rating: 63%

Crowd Reaction: 67%

Match Quality: 74%

Overall Show Rating: 60%

TV Rating: 1.46

Attendance: 417 kids who want to know why Kaos the Blue Fairy isn’t happy.

September 7, 2003

Suzanne sommers is a fuckin' BITCH!!! she goddamned RUINED "3's Company"!!

oh and great work as always, Deacon...

September 15, 2003

*COUGHanyfriggin'daynowdeaconCOUGH*

WrestlingDeacon · September 18, 2003

HSW Pretty Kittens for Wednesday, September 18th, 2003

Live from the Big Rock Candy Mountain

Hosts: Kevin Kelly and Tod Kenely

Deacon is in the back holding Twinkies at arm’s length away from Hypoglycemic Harry Smith. Elizabeth Borden walks in and chews Deacon out for his continual poor work as a commentator on the Rainbow Fun Hour. Last week he told kids to mail their Brussels sprouts to Brussels, Belgium. Hey, it worked for Soupy Sales. The Mysterious Entity who owns HSW is only going to give him another month to get his act straight or…he’ll…do something mysterious and entity like to him. Deacon apologizes and tries to make amends with another gift. He was booking cockfights while in Mexico and wants to present Borden with his champion rooster, Weird Mojo. Borden jumps back at the sight of such a big cock. “Don’t you dare get that big cock anywhere near my wet pussy.” Giant Gonzalez wanders in wearing a pair of Groucho glasses, “That’s not what you said last night.”

Segment Rating: 79%

THIS WOULDN’T CURTAIN WCW WORLDWIDE TAG MATCH

The Russian Assassins vs Tony Stetson and Flocknest Monster.

Match Background: This is supposedly a tag match, but only one member of the Russian Assassins comes down to the ring.

The Match: Forearm to the face from who we’ll call Russian Assassin Number 1 on Stetson. 1 hits a soaring kick on Stetson. Flying elbow off the top rope by the Russian Assassin, getting as close to zero air as possible. There's a two count on the pin. Russian Assassin Number 1 hits a soaring kick on Stetson. Stetson counters a sleeper with a jaw breaker and is able to get free! Tag to the FlockNest Monster. Stetson \ Monster whip Assassin into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Monster hits a dropkick on Evan Karagias and he rolls to the floor and under the ring. After a few moments, the Russian Assassins emerges with a different mask on. Huh, I guess we’ll call him Russian Assassin Number 2. Powerslam from FlockNest Monster on Russian Assassin Number 2. Tag back to Stetson. Monster \ Stetson whip Number 2 into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. Covers for a quick two count. Stetson DDTs the Russian Assassin. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! The Assassin hits a short arm drag on Stetson. Number 2 points to the crowd and screams “What the hell is that?” While everyone looks, Number 2 switches masks back to Number 1. Number 1 takes a flying neckbreaker from Flocknest Monster, who enters the ring illegally. Monster \ Stetson whip Karagias into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. Covers for a quick two count. Some pretty weak shots by Stetson. Russian Assassin counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Monster runs back in again and walks into a drop toe hold. Number 1 runs out of the ring and steals Kevin Kelly’s jacket. He throws it over his head, fiddles around and comes out wearing the Number 2 mask. Russian Assassin Number 2 with an enziguri! HBK isn't moving...uh oh. Oh, sorry, I had a flashback to the last time I got fooled. Tony Stetson is stunned as Number 2 heads to the top rope. Flying Press! 1....2....3.

Winners: The Russian Assassins (who are neither Russian nor assassins, discuss)

My Opinion: Bad match which brought absolutely nothing to the table and was a waste of time. DUD.

(Even Kariagas is wondering what in the hell he did to piss me off. He’s wrestling tag matches by himself. It’s like I could foot the $12.95 and box of hamburger helper to get Jack Victory to come in for a one shot, but then I would be associated with Jack Victory and the HSW has higher standards than that. Think about that one for a moment. Kariagas better pray I don’t feel like booking the Villanos into a Wargames match. This marks the return of FlockNest stalwarts Tony Stetson and the FlockNest Monster. Stetson is upset about not being able to keep the “hot shit” moniker, but we tried to explain to him that we’re a fed for kids now. He helpfully suggested being called “No Shit” Tony Stetson, but that’s lame even for me.)

Overall Rating: 47%

Crowd Reaction: 34%

Match Quality: 60%

Sandman stumbles out to the ring. He’s not drunk, he just has the shakes from withdrawal. His tolerance level is bottomed out, he got buzzed licking a stamp. Sandman demands that “Tatanka” and Terry Funk give him The Baseball Bat of Mild Discomfort as Presented by Bank One back that they stole from him on the Rainbow Fun Hour. If they don’t, Bank One will be upset and forced to foreclose on their face. “Tatanka” walks out alone with the bat. Terry Funk isn’t there tonight as T’Pol promised to take him to the park if he ate all his Brussels sprouts and didn’t mail them to Belgium. Cut to Terry Funk running up to a little girl on a swing. He smacks her in the head with a cookie sheet and jumps on the swing as she falls off crying. Sandman warns him that Bank One demands the bat be returned to him. What? Are they going to mail letters of notice for six months, make phone calls for six more and then turn his name over to a collection agency in South Dakota that may or may not really exist. No, they’re going to drop an anvil on your head. An anvil on his head? At that moment an anvil falls from the rafters and clocks “Tatanka” on the head. (This week’s guest booker: Bugs Bunny). A guy repels from the ceiling, because we own the rights to Ranger Ross too, and reclaims the bat. He returns it to Sandman in the ring and proclaims that his name is Bank One. He’s the man that gave Sandman the new ball bat and he doesn’t appreciate someone taking it from him, without the proper compensation. Compensation he’s going to take out of his hide later on tonight. (Feel the smooth transition to a match challenge.)

Segment Rating: 47%

Tony Stetson and FlockNest Monster walk through the back arguing about their loss. They run into Chris Nowinksi and Lady Victoria. At least they think it’s Lady Victoria, she’s loaded down with about six tons of dirty clothes. “Remember children, the most important thing in a relationship is a girl’s willingness to do your laundry.” Stetson and Monster ask to join back up with Nowinski and reform the Pussy Patrol. They’ll probably have to change the name, maybe the Pussy Cat Patrol or Nowinski and the Pussy Cats. They can dress up in cat outfits, form a band and let a dude who looks like Fred from Scooby-Doo hang out with them. Nowinski eyes them suspiciously and then barks, “are you staring at my woman?” Stetson stammers, “actually I was marveling at the all the skid marks on your tighty whiteys.” Nowinski punches both of them in the mouth and tells them to get out of his sight, no one stares at his woman! The FlockNest Monster and Tony Stetson runaway. Lady Victoria peeks out through the clothes and smiles, “you do love me.” “At least until you get the laundry done. Let’s hustle, you have to clip my toenails and grout the bathroom tiles still tonight.”

Segment Rating: 38%

FAT MEN AND SPEEDY MEXICANS GAY POR…ER…TAG MATCH

Boss Man and The Unfathomable Slag vs Paunch Estrada and Arachniman.

Match Background: Slag and Arachniman have been feuding recently. Arachniman has yet to get an in-ring victory in this feud. Estrada and Boss Man have been feuding recently. Neither has managed to get an in-ring victory in this feud.

The Match: Paunch Estrada takes a right hand to the temple from Boss Man. I bet those hurt more than Sgt. Slaughter's Noogies. Paunch Estrada takes a right hand to the temple from Boss Man. There's a two count on the pin. Boss Man tags out to The Unfathomable Slag. Boss Man scoops up Estrada. Slag bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Covers for a quick two count. Running clothesline from The Unfathomable Slag was actually MIGHTY sloppy. Slag drops an elbow...but Paunch Estrada moves out of the way. Flying cross body off the top rope! There's a two count on the pin. Tag to Arachniman. BRAINBUSTAH~! by Arachniman! Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Slag gets caught with a short powerbomb from Arachniman. Slag backdrops Arachniman out of a piledriver attempt. That took a lot out of The Unfathomable Slag. The Unfathomable Slag with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Arachniman. One more performed that badly and this match will end on a bad note, if you get my drift. Tag between The Unfathomable Slag and Boss Man. Boss Man strikes Arachniman. Tag to Paunch Estrada. Boss Man slams Paunch Estrada down. Estrada is sure in trouble now. Boss Man ducks a Estrada clothesline and does a quick roll up. Boss Man has a handful of tights! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! Estrada \ Arachniman don't look like they're finished by any means...and they rush forward to attack Boss Man \ Slag, and send them to the outside. Threats are exchanged as the chaos ends.

Winners: No Selling Bastards 2K3

My Opinion: I'll give a 3/4 star rating, but only if you promise to improve as a booker.

(Take the rating back Dames, I promise nothing. And you shouldn’t tempt me with mention of Sgt. Slaughter and the atomic noogie. I do have the Ranger Ross gimmick you know. Although, I think this match deserves a star for the Unfathomable Slag doing a flying clothesline. Who says fat doesn’t fly? Although he gets winded after a backdrop, so maybe it evens out. Post match, Slag and Boss Man head off for Dunkin Donuts while Arachniman and Pauch go to Taco Bell. They promise to meet up at Stereotypes ‘R Us later.)

Overall Rating: 59%

Crowd Reaction: 52%

Match Quality: 66%

SpongeBob BacklundPants waddles through the back with his pet snail Gary. Jimmy Jack Spock comes by and notices that Gary is just a painted rock with pipe cleaners stuck to it for eyes. Sandman trips in trying to get high off the paint fumes. Spock points a finger and bellows, “Sandman we meet again on the mountain made of rock candy, or candy rock depending on the position of the sun the great gods have put in the sky. For it is by that sun that we shall continue our monumental tussle to the demise. To the demise and beyond the demise into the nothingness of nothingness and beyond the nothingness of nothingness into the postnothingness of postnothingness and so on until it eats back upon itself enveloping the cosmos with our tussle of tussling.” Sandman replies, “your mama.” BacklundPants prevents them from fighting and books them in a match tonight! He then gets a phone call from the Mysterious Entity who tells him not to give the milk away for free. Have you been to their concession stands? Milk’s $4.25, you can get a beer cheaper at a baseball game! Actually, no you can’t. He means you can’t give the main event of the next ppv away on free t.v. BacklundPants adds The Great Chetti-Etti and Honky Tonk Orton to the mix. Cut to the children out in the audience fast asleep over that booking and the additives we put in the milk so we harvest their kidneys. Uh…I didn’t say that.

Segment Rating: 67%

IF YOU HAD A CAR WE COULD GO THROUGH THE BURGER KING DRIVE THRU AND SAVE MY LIFE, BUT YOU DON’T SO FUCK YOU SINGLES MATCH

“ Carless” Mark Jindrak vs Hypoglycemic Harry Smith.

Match Background: None.

The Match: Harry hits a dropkick on Mark Jindrak and gets right back up. Jindrak takes a NICE hurrancarana from Harry Smith. There's a two count on the pin. Harry walks into a drop toe hold. Trying to channel the spirit of Misawa, Mark Jindrak ends up chanelling Lex Luger instead and nails a running forearm to the face, minus the steel plate, of course. Running knee lift from Mark Jindrak. There's a two count on the pin. Brutal sit out powerbomb on Harry! Pin, but Harry is out just before the three count. Harry Smith charges into the corner, but EATS BOOT and staggers backward. Harry counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Spinning bulldog in the corner and Jindrak is down! Hooks the leg for a two count. Tor-NADO DDT from Harry Smith, Jindrak got planted! Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Harry Smith hits a rolling kick on Jindrak. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Standing leg lariat by Harry Smith on Jindrak. Mark Jindrak is able to duck a clothesline attempt and connect with a counter clothesline. Jindrak slams Harry Smith down and motions to the crowd. Massive lariat! Stan Hansen would approve. Mark Jindrak drives Harry Smith into the corner. Splash Mountain! 1....2....3. Mark Jindrak offers a handshake to Harry...and he accepts it! No! Harry Smith levels Jindrak with a cheap shot right hand! Harry Smith spins Jindrak around. Harry Smith hits the Corkscrew DDT! Mark Jindrak has been floored after the match.

Winner: “Carless” Mark Jindrak

My Opinion: Do you know what * means? It's the equivalent of buying your favorite soft drink, looking under the cap and seeing 'Sorry, Try again.' At least you got the soft drink.

(Dames is like a lot of the women I date. During the act, they’re all like “yeah, awesome, fuck yeah, yowza, chucka chucka chucka!” Then afterwards they’re like “eh, my fifth grade teacher was better.” C’mon, I can’t be the only person who has this problem. Post match, security rushes in to break things up. Not the brawling, but both wrestlers realize how stupid their gimmicks are and attempt suicide. They mess up of course.)

Overall Rating: 62%

Crowd Reaction: 58%

Match Quality: 67%

A video is shown of Fat Rhymes walking through a ghetto rapping. “My name is Fat Rhymes and I’m hear to say I’m so cool I’m frozen like turf in Green Bay. I’m eating lots of ribs and I don’t need no bib, cause I’m a badass bitch chillin’ in my crib…” A bum emerges from some garbage cans and looks at Fat Rhymes, “did you just call yourself a bitch?” Fat Rhymes shakes his head and walks off, “I told you crackers to get Flava Flave to write my raps.”

Segment Rating: 39%

YOU’RE SIX STRINGS OF BEADS BEHIND ON YOUR MORTGAGE PAYMENT FOR THE RESERVATION SINGLES MATCH

"Tatanka" vs Bank One.

Match Background: BO is making his debut at this show.

The Match: STIFF high kick on "Tatanka" by Bank One. BO hits a HARD spinning kick to the jaw. Hard back suplex on "Tatanka". Come to think of it, that move had WAY too much power in No Mercy for N64. Flying elbow from Bank One connects. "Tatanka" counters a sleeper with a jaw breaker and is able to get free! "Tatanka" slams Bank One down. BO is sure in trouble now. Big clothesline from "Tatanka". Covers for a quick two count. BO flips out of a "Tatanka" bodyslam attempt. Spinning bulldog in the corner and "Tatanka" is down! Hooks the leg for a two count. Tiger suplex on "Tatanka". No Misawa references from me, I swear. Oh, Bloody Hell! Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! "Tatanka" reverses a waistlock. A weak headbutt on BO by "Tatanka" causes nothing but pain for both. "Tatanka" walks into a drop toe hold. "Tatanka" charges into the corner, but EATS BOOT and staggers backward. Kaos the Blue Fairy comes running down the aisle and onto the apron! "Tatanka" turns...and is dropped throat-first onto the top rope by Kaos! Kaos the Blue Fairy has left "Tatanka" in big trouble. Bank One moves in for the kill. Here it comes – High Interest Rates. 1....2...3, it's finished. Bank One smiles and walks over and shakes hands with Kaos the Blue Fairy, thanking him for interfering and helping win this match.

Winner: Bank One

(Bank One is Garrison Cade. I hired him thinking he could team with Mark Jindrak, but EWR 4.0 doesn’t have them listed as a tag team. So, basically I was using him to mop up the bathrooms and clean kiddie puke off the seats. Which is pretty much how most OVW guys pay their dues in the WWE anyway. Just throw in popping the zits on Triple H’s back. I had the idea to create Bank One and…pretty much not even I can follow my own thought process on that. Although, abbreviating his name as BO may not be the best idea with all the children around. I’m not saying anything against Dames, but notice how he capitalized STIFF and HARD above. Just saying.)

My Opinion: A DUD here would have actually been generous! -*

Overall Rating: 38%

Crowd Reaction: 26%

Match Quality: 51%

Kaos the Blue Fairy and Bank One celebrate post match. Kaos tries to grab ass on a hug and Bank One gives him a funny look, like he’s Michael Milken applying for a home loan. “Tatanka” stumble up and blindsides both men with the Papoose to Go! The kids boo him and he cries. They boo him more and he sulks until Mark Jindrak comes in to comfort him with pudding. “We don’t like retards! We don’t like retards who don’t like the word retards! Jesus made you retarded for a reason! Because you suck!”

Segment Rating: 63%

FOUR WAY DISCO DANCE OF DEATH AND THIS FALL’S BEST SELLING HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

Sandman vs Honky Tonk Orton vs Jimmy Jack Spock vs The Great Chetti-Etti!.

Match Background: This will be an elimination bout. Sandman and Spock have been feuding recently. This match is for the HSW World title. Sandman has been HSW World champion since 03 September 2003.

The Match: Orton takes a weak kick. Boring brawling from Sandman is the cure for insomnia. Covers for a quick two count. Orton flips out of a Sandman bodyslam attempt. Tag between Honky Tonk Orton and Jimmy Jack Spock. Spock slams Sandman down and motions to the crowd. Sandman charges, Spock moves, and the referee is knocked silly! High Angle DDT by Jimmy Jack Spock just SPIKES Sandman down! Hooks the leg, but the referee is still out! Fallaway slam by Jimmy Jack Spock puts down Sandman. Sandman counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Tag to The Great Chetti-Etti!. Spock takes a NICE hurrancarana from The Great Chetti-Etti!. The Great Chetti-Etti! hits a rolling kick on Spock. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Jimmy Jack Spock reverses a hip toss. Running knee lift from Jimmy Jack Spock. DEATH VALLEY DRIVAH~! by Jimmy Jack Spock just KILLS The Great Chetti-Etti!! ONE...TWO...THREE. Spock defeats Chetti. Spock takes a headbutt from Honky Tonk Orton. Bodyslam by Orton. Covers for a quick two count. Honky Tonk Orton hits a bulldog off the ropes. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Jimmy Jack Spock comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Jimmy Jack Spock scores with a big spinebuster. Tag to Sandman. Sloppy discus punch from Sandman barely connects on Orton. Cover gets three for Sandman, Orton got pinned. BORING ass brawling from Sandman. Sandman goes for a splash but Spock puts the knees up. Massive backbreaker on Sandman and I get happy flashbacks to Bret Hart's Five Moves of DOOM. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Sandman comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Sandman hits a weak elbow on Jimmy Jack Spock. Sandman ducks a Spock clothesline and does a quick roll up. Sandman has a handful of tights! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!!

Winner: Sandman

(We don’t promote hitting people with chairs, so we cheat by grabbing another man’s ass. I’m sure there is something fundamentally wrong with that. I don’t want to rag on Dames here, well maybe I do, but naturally Spock is going to slam Sandman down, he can’t slam him up, physics doesn’t work that way. At least, since we took all the hallucinogens away. We could complain about SpongeBob BacklundPants booking of a lousy main event but you have to take into account two things. One, when have we ever had a good main event? And two, what do you expect from a 55-year-old man in a giant sponge costume?)

My Opinion: Nothing special...nothing special at all. *1/4

Overall Rating: 70%

Crowd Reaction: 73%

Match Quality: 66%

Overall Show Rating: 56%

T.V. Rating: 1.30

Attendance: 419 kids who tell their moms that doing their laundry is not a right; it’s a privilege.

Edited September 19, 2003 by WrestlingDeacon

September 19, 2003

Am I the only one who misses Coat-Rack Stevie Richards

September 19, 2003

yes

September 19, 2003

oh, who am i kidding...i miss him , too

September 30, 2003

You know who I miss?

Perrious Saturn. No one eats kittens anymore.

September 30, 2003

you know what i miss? Deacon posting new shows...

Richard · September 30, 2003

guess he's waiting for 5.0

October 3, 2003

either that or the 2nd coming of Christ, whichever comes first...

WrestlingDeacon · October 3, 2003

BLOW ME!

With my new column on 411, I have higher priorities. However, I have to work in the morning and should have time there to write up the show I already have played out. I promise, promise, that a new show will be posted by tomorrow night and sorry for being so slow with getting new shows up.

EWR 4.0 HSW 2.0 Diary! Still Better Than Yours!

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