It's Not Funny, My Ass Is On Fire.

[Guest Czecherbear]

I had a pretty lousy food mishap this evening. As many of you may know, I enjoy frozen pizzas when they are delivery devices for all sorts of spices. I put the oregano, black pepper, minced onions, garlic salt, and paprika on before I threw it in the oven. I came back downstairs to take it out and then put the crushed red pepper on after that, but because this spicing-baking-spicing process has become so rote since Memorial Day, I failed to realize that I ran out of the big tub of crushed red pepper last week and had to get a new bottle which was smaller, but more importantly, had a flip-top instead of a cap, so I absentmindedly unscrewed the top and proceeded to pour the entire thing of red pepper on the pizza, one big anthill of pepper right on the pizza. It was like when those fuckos on the middle school band trips would unscrew the top of the salt shakers so you poured all your salt on your food. I was able to scoop up most of the pepper and throw it back in the bottle, which would normally be unconscionable, but nobody else is eating the stuff so who cares. Despite the salvage, there was still in an inordinate quantity of c.r.p. on the pizza, a plain little thin-crust number with some pepperoni on it, that just wasn't going to be removed from its melted-cheese-and-tomato-paste base. I wasn't going to throw the thing away, because I was hungry, and that's a waste of food. So I ate the thing with all this c.r.p. on it, in addition to the paprika and black pepper which I thought would improve the taste. Even as someone who loves and survives spicy food, this was too much for me. After eating the whole pizza, my face flushed, eyes teared up, my lower jaw started trembling like I was out in the cold, and I got kind of light-headed and dizzy, so I decided to lie down for a while, at which point I got more sensitive to noise than I usually am.

 

I think I tripped on food.

[Lord of The Curry 0]

Cool.

[Guest Czecherbear]

I'm going to be intestinally devastated tomorrow.

[Lord of The Curry 0]

Take a shitload of gravol/tums or something like that. Hopefully that'll at least prevent you from waking up with intense pains or the need to shit out your bowels during the night.

[Guest Vitamin X]

What kind of thin crust frozen pizzas are you using? Totino's or something better than that?

 

In other news, I was finally able to bust down a kingly sized amount of habanero salsa without feeling the heat terribly. I've been building this up for the past couple weeks, as I like the taste of the habanero but couldn't handle the fire. Now if I put it on everything, that should prepare me to enjoy all sorts of levels of Thai hot chili.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Very spicy isn't a quality that agrees with me. Like I do with most things, I've attempted to dive right in to hot shit, and got exactly that. Those little fucking green bastards at the Thai place? Holy christ. Hurtful. I enjoy most standard curry-type spices. The thermonuclear asian fuckers and most dried mexican chilies can fuck right off, though.

[Guest Vitamin X]

The asian fuckers are what'll kill ya. I strongly admire and respect those; it's about as extreme as your body can handle when it comes to cuisine. There's guys in Singapore, Thailand and what have you that live for that kind of thrill- the racing heart, breaking out in a sweat, eyes tearing up and tripping the hell out on food ala Czech there, but intentionally.

 

I can handle most, if not all chilies now though. I still wouldn't eat a habanero raw or anything like that, but I can eat it in salsa and sometimes in sauce form now without much of a problem. I pretty much put Tapatio on everything now too.

[Maztinho 0]

We once paid a coworker 5 bucks each to bite a habanero to the stem and chew it for fifteen seconds before she could spit it out, she was throwing up for like half an hour. She never said if the 25 dollars was worth it.

[Lord of The Curry 0]

That's similar to the stuff at a wing place back home where you sign a waiver before eating them.

[Guest Vitamin X]

We once paid a friend of mine $55 to eat a tablespoon of this stuff:

 

Hot Sauce

 

 

He ended up blacking out and when he shit the next day he was screaming. We asked him to do it again and he said he wouldn't do it for a million. For a good month the smell of spicy food would make him sick.

 

Wow. That sounds intense. Looking at the wiki, look at this last paragraph here:

 

As of 2004, other manufacturers have apparently overtaken Dave's. Products claiming to be pure capsaicin extract are being marketed, with Scoville ratings ranging from 500,000 to 16,000,000 units. Products with Scoville ratings in this range bear warnings that they "must be diluted before use," or "use as an ingredient only," or "for use as an additive, not for direct consumption." This raises the question of whether they should properly be considered sauces at all; some specifically say "this is not a sauce." The fact that many of the extreme products have names or descriptions like "private reserve" and "limited edition" raises the suspicion that they are created mainly for publicity and for bragging rights, and are bought as curiosities and collectables rather than for actual use.

 

The point of a sauce is to have SOME kind of flavor, not just pure capsaicin. In regards to the Dave's Gourmet though, I wonder if feeding that sauce to suspected terrorists would be classified as torture.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

This warrants a thread.

 

What the fuck is the point of that capsaicin extract? I mean, I've been maced before, and that shit wasn't fun.

[godthedog 0]

This warrants a thread.

 

What the fuck is the point of that capsaicin extract? I mean, I've been maced before, and that shit wasn't fun.

when and by whom did you get maced?

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

"Pepper spray" to be completely accurate. Not cop mace.

 

Jackass-type scenario, summer after high school. Not recommended.

 

Same group of friends that would zap each other with a stun gun, especially during things like a kegstand, or taking a huge bong hit, falling asleep on the wrong couch, taking someone's chair, etc.

 

These beyond-spicy applications have the same appeal, I think.

[PILLS! PILLS! PILLS! 0]

This warrants a thread.

 

+2 for Mr. Bungle reference.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

I thought about making a pasta thread called "Squeeze me Macaroni" immediately after making this one. I still might.

[Darthtiki 0]

This warrants a thread.

 

What the fuck is the point of that capsaicin extract? I mean, I've been maced before, and that shit wasn't fun.

 

I've seen it used in anti-arthritis sprays as well.

[Red Baron 0]

And also for post surgery procedures. All capsaicin does is it gives the heat/spice flavour in hot sauces.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Really? Spray it on your asshole. That's what one is doing with those freakin' very hot sauces and peppers.

[Turbo Lion 0]

Take a shitload of gravol/tums or something like that. Hopefully that'll at least prevent you from waking up with intense pains or the need to shit out your bowels during the night.

 

I know this well.

 

I have irritable bowel syndrome and I'm lactose intolerant. But you know what? I eat spicy things and cheesy things anyway. I say fuck you bowels.

 

And they say "fuck you right back, buddy". My wife read this and shook her head, but I assure you, this kind of language is accurate for the experience.

 

[The Niggardly King 0]

Shit, I've used postal service pepper spray for dogs in cooking before. It makes the regular day omelet quite a trip.

[Obi Chris Kenobi 0]

I know its not on the same level, but I remember the first time my mate said 'Oh here, Chris, eat this Jalapeño, they're dead sweet.' So I did, and tried to Man up as all the spit and saliva in my mouth dried up faster then the Dead Sea. I think my mate takes pleasure in knowing it was him that destroyed my trust in the human race. Him and that damn Jalapeño Pepper.

 

It didn't however, affect my liking for Jalapeño Peppers in the right situation. They can add that little extra pinch that some things can't.

[Jaxxson Mayhem 0]

We once paid a friend of mine $55 to eat a tablespoon of this stuff:

 

Hot Sauce

 

 

He ended up blacking out and when he shit the next day he was screaming. We asked him to do it again and he said he wouldn't do it for a million. For a good month the smell of spicy food would make him sick.

 

 

Try Dave's Ultimate Insanity Sauce.

[Guest]

I have irritable bowel syndrome

 

Me too!

 

And they say "fuck you right back, buddy".

 

And mine do too!

[The Niggardly King 0]

You know what's bomb? Roasted or grilled jalapeno's stuffed with cheese.

[Guest Vitamin X]

Oh GOD yes. Jalapeno poppers are only $2.89 for 7 at Jack in the box.

 

I made my own using ancho peppers, and putting in some queso fresco. Those are more commonly referred to as chili relleno, which is pretty much my favorite burrito filling ever.

 

Yesssssssssss

 

They're not as spicy as jalapenos, but that makes eating one big one easier. The jalapeno poppers are great on their own too though- you can do those with cream cheese.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

See, now those aren't bad. That's under the very spicy bar, far as I'm concerned. Rates as "pleasantly spicy." Plus, cheese-filled anything is a can't miss proposition, usually.

[Guest Vitamin X]

Especially when fried.

 

Jalapeno hush puppies fall under this category, too.

[Broward83 0]

Jalapeno hush puppies?

 

Are we talking just a regular hush puppy with like some chopped up pepper thrown in the mix or something else? If its the something else...I'd be down for trying that out.

[The Niggardly King 0]

I don't like a hush puppy anything, but a jalapeno hush puppy might be something worth trying.