Top 5 News Items of the Week!, October 14, 2002
Top 5 News Items of the Week!, October 14, 2002
Nov 3 2002, 12:32 PM
Man, some weeks it just doesn’t pay to be so into college football these days. I don’t think I can afford to watch another heart attack-causing game like Miami/FSU, Bama/OU, or Florida/UT. I was cheering so much for the Seminoles that my dad thought I had actually became a fan of theirs(in reality, it’s just that I hate Miami so very much) and when the kicker blew the potential GW-ing field goal after talking all that smack during the game, I was like seeing blood and the NFL games yesterday did NOT help one bit. My beloved Jaguars getting punked by the Titans not only infuriated me because Jacksonville is my favorite team, but I also lost the lil Pick a Winner thing we have going on in the Sports forum and THEN there’s the fact that all my fantasy teams got the ever-loving shit beat out of them, especially my SmartMarks league team who had 3 of my most productive guys either knocked out early(Brunell) or on bye weeks(David Boston), so I’m not in a good mood at the moment…
To add to my misery, I was playing Final Fantasy X before the Sunday night game(which almost gave me a heart attack as well) and I was fighting Yunalesca and made one of the most boneheaded moves ever as she was going into her third and final form and ended up getting massacred. This isn’t really relevant to anything, but hey, it’s my column, so I might as well confirm how big of a loser I am in real life, even though all my anime talk should have accomplished that quite nicely, IMO.
Ahhhhh, fuck it. Maybe this week won’t suck as much last week did and maybe I can actually access the content page(which I couldn’t do last night for some odd reason. More than likely, it’s my damn old ass PC.), and maybe even RAW won’t suck as much this week!
:::: checks DirecTV RAW preview and sees “Will HHH prove Kane is a murderer?” ::::
Anyways, ON WITH THE TOP 5!
TOP5 NEWS ITEMS OF THE WEEK
Small note beforehand, I got everything from Dave Meltzer of The Wrestling Observer because I’m fearing for my PC’s health every time I venture into 1PopupHell.com, so don’t be pissed, ‘kay?
5. SPANK MY MONKEY, YOU ITALIAN BOOTCH!
To show that the WWE isn’t completely incompetent, the WWE has either signed or are close to signing James Maritato(Little Guido) and Spanky(who I have NEVER heard of til now). Both guys are gonna be Smackdown wrestlers and hopefully(if Spanky is a cruiserweight. Sorry, I haven’t had time to check up on the guy) will be used to give the CW division the shot in the arm it needs since it’s becoming awfully apparent that Rey Mysterio, Jr. won’t be winning the belt or even feuding for it any time soon. Y’know, the Cruiserweight Division is sorely lacking a big time face challenger since Rey is probably not even going to bother with it due to how friggin’ over he is and Hurricane has run off to Hell, a.k.a. RAW for no reason but to be Kane’s butt buddy. Who the hell is going to be the challenger? Billy Kidman is so bland it isn’t even funny. Ditto for Shannon Moore. Tajiri’s a heel, although a face turn may help out some, but still, I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel and even though Jamie Knoble is a damn good champ, maybe it’s time to just mercy kill the belt.
4. “EXTRA, EXTRA!!! TRIPLE H PEDIGREES TOM ARNOLD!
Well, you knew there isn’t a news update that goes by without Triple H making his way into a story. This time, Mr. Helmsley-McMahon(C’mon now, you know who wears the pants in this family) is making some public appearances to show everybody how important he is… oh yeah, he’s going to pimp that PPV Sunday, whatever the name of it is. Trips will be on The Best Damn Sports Show Period! on Wednesday and then he’ll do The Wayne Brady Show on Friday. Hey, maybe Wayne can do a better mocking of Trips than RVD did last month til Hunter goes into roid rage and splats Brady all over the stage…
3. DON WEST: BLUNDERING IDIOT
That Don West… whatta talent. Apparently, West fucked up the line-up for this week’s NWA PPV because they were running out of time and Jeremy Borash need to make to the hotel in time to tip Francine for the wild night, or maybe not… In reality, the Jarrett/James match was supposed to be a tag match featuring Jarrett and Bruce(Oh dear GOD…) against B.G. James and Hermie Sadler(you’ve got to be FUCKING KIDDING ME!) and the Suxxx-Pac/AJ Styles X-Division Title match isn’t a ladder match. Sweet Jeebus, this card is going to blow ass just on those two matches alone. What the flying hell did fucking BRUCE do to get what will probably be the main event match on the show? Fuck… I FUCKING HATE RUSSO! If Sonny Siaki(what a blatant Rock rip-off) or Don Harris(whichever one is still wrestling) wrestles on the show, then it’s the worst TNA show ever, PERIOD.
2. RAW WILL BLOW CHUNKS
The WWE.com RAW preview makes me want to watch football more and more… In case you don’t feel like being punished for being a wrestling fan, here’s the match line-up:
*Booker T vs. Big Show falls count anywhere
*Jeff Hardy vs. Rico
*Tommy Dreamer vs. Christopher Nowinski
*Al Snow vs. Lance Storm
*Trish Stratus & Jacqueline vs. Molly Holly & Victoria
Plus a tribute video to the IC title.
Kinda sad that the only match with ANY potential is between a washed-up wrestler turned trainer and one of the more boring guys from the Un-Americans. Another note, I thought Nowinski was having surgery after the beatdown Dreamer gave him two weeks ago? What the hell is he doing back so soon anyway? It’s not like many people actually give a damn about their feud to begin with. And of course, we have Big Show vs. Booker T as I wonder what the fuck Booker did NOW to get Fat Boy again and sadly, I think Big Slow may be going over this time due to Chris Jericho interference. As that cat Peppe Le Peu always used to say: “Le sigh…”.
1. ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY COUNTS OFF 101 WAYS VINCE SUCKS
Entertainment Weekly ran their annual 101 Most Powerful People in Entertainment list for this year and Vincent K. McMahon, Jr. failed to make the cut. The mag made a few comments as to why he didn’t make it this year, such as The Rock and Steve Austin bailing on his ass(although the Austin one is the only legit one), the name change(pretty laughable reason, if you ask me), Nicole Bass suing him and the WWE(they kinda sorta WON that case, imbeciles), and Vince forcing grown men to kiss his bare ass(Oops… that’d be MY reason. Sorry bout that.). I’m shocked they didn’t get into television ratings and the plummeting buyrates for the PPVs, but I digress. If we see Vince mocking EW along with the NFL tonight, then you know he obviously read the piece and wants to declare himself the owner of the biggest dick in Sports Entertainment again, as always…
Well, that’s about it for now. Slow ass news weeks really do suck ass when combined with internet problems(fucking PC), sez I. Maybe this week will be different or maybe I’m just too much of an optimistic dumbass… Anyways, be sure to peep RAW from JHawk’s Beak after the show, The Midweek News and Smackdown recap from the incomparable Dr. Tom and I’ll be back on Sunday hopefully to bring you the Top 5 once more.
As my dad always says: DEATH TO TENNESSEE!!!!
E-mail me at: [email protected]
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