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Top 5 News Items of the Week!, October 28, 2002
Guest_TSMAdmin_*
post Nov 3 2002, 12:35 PM
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First off, congratulations to the 2002 World Series Champions, the Anahiem Angels and also to Troy Glaus for winning the MVP award. While the game wasn’t really what I wanted(everything coming down to one last at-bat with one team down a run. Pipe dream, I know), but I’ll be damned if this WS wasn’t pretty friggin’ great, especially last night’s Game 6 with the AWESOME comeback by the champs. I guess I should feel sad since Barry didn’t get his ring, but fuck it, I wanted the Giants to lose in the first place, so too bad Barry!


On the football front, I think God REALLY hates me because on the same week Alabama totally kicks UT’s pathetic, overrated asses, my beloved Jaguars get beat by the fucking HOUSTON TEXANS!!!! Gah… I swear, I can’t buy a break these days. On the other hand, even though it screwed up my football picks, watching New Orleans lose to the Atlanta Shitcans brightened up my day since my good buddy, Flyboy, is a Saints fan(BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA!!!!), heh. Honestly, this parity shit is really pissing me the fuck off now. Who the hell is supposed to be a good team and who’s a bad team? One week, Oakland dominates everyone and the next, they get humiliated the craptastic Rams, The Philidelphia Eagles(my NFC SB pick) got owned by not only Tennessee(who almost got beat by the fucking BENGALS!), but my Jags, who just got beat by the expansion team. Come the fuck on now… I know having every team look like it can win any week may be entertaining, but goddamnit, I want a DOMINANT TEAM FOR ONCE! Hell, as much as I really don’t like the NBA at times(and the Lakers in particular), at least there’s a team that seems head and shoulders above everyone else and also gives their opponents a reason to step it up a notch to claim they beat the best team in the league. That’s ALL I want, seriously…


Also, I’d be remiss if I didn’t congratulate Emmitt Smith on breaking Walter Payton’s(RIP) all-time rushing yards record. I’ve always thought of Emmitt as a stand-up guy(shitty 10-10-220 commercials aside) and when he hugged Moose on the sidelines, I almost had tears in my eyes. It was truly a great moment for a great player and whether you liked him or not, you just got to give it up for the man.


On the wrestling side of things, however, it’s not so great… If you want to know how I really feel on the whole necrophilia angle or generally, what’s been going on lately altogether, just check out my latest Anger Management
column and the most recent Crossface.



Let’s get down to business, shall we?



TOP 5 NEWS ITEMS OF THE WEEK






5. REBELLION BETTER THAN NO MERCY? GET THE “F” OUT!!!


In really no surprise at all, many people have been saying that the recently done UK PPV Rebellion easily smoked not only the last UK show(which featured RAW talent), but was miles better than this month’s weak No Mercy offering. Once again, the Smackdown squad shows why it’s the only GOOD thing about the WWE lately. And since this is a spoiler-free zone, I’ll just give ya the match-ups:

- Booker T vs. Matt Hardy
- Kidman/Torrie Wilson vs. John Cena/Dawn Marie
- Funaki/Crash
- WWE Cruiserweight Title Three-way Elimination Match: Jamie Noble vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Tajiri
- D-Von/Ron Simmons vs. The Big Valbowski/Chuck Palumbo
- Rikishi vs. Albert
- Smackdown Tag Team Title Match: Kurt Angle/Chris Benoit vs. Los Guerreros
- WWE World Heavyweight Title Match: Brock Lesnar vs. Edge



Aside from some obvious stinkers, this card has more good matches on it than the last 2 PPVs COMBINED! And Vince wonders why people aren’t watching RAW anymore…

Please credit Dave Meltzer of the Wrestling Observer




4. LENNOX TO WRESTLE?

Sadly, it seems that all the hype surrounding Lennox Lewis possibly wrestling on a future WWE card is false(Thank GOD!). The business manager of Lewis, Adrian Ogun, stated that Lennox won’t be wrestling, but possibly reffing a couple of matches and/or being a “special enforcer” a la Mike Tyson from WrestleMania 14. Apparently, Lewis wants to get into movies as his boxing career going quickly down the tubes thanks to farces like the Rahman debacle and needs another way to pay alimony… oh wait, that’s Evander Holyfield… my bad.

Please credit Buck Woodard of 1wrestling.com




3. EXTRA, EXTRA!!! JR DEFENDS CORPSE-FUCKING ON RAW!!! MILLIONS SHOCKED!!

To the surprise of roughly NO ONE, Good Ol’ JR decided to bless us feeble mortals once again with his weekly Hoss Report and in the middle of sucking off Bradshaw for the millionth time, Jim Ross defended the airing of the HHH video by saying that, “We feel we need to be diverse and unpredictable in our television presentation and when we go to places – like last week on RAW – that our genre has not gone before, some folks become very uncomfortable.”

What a load of horse pukey.

People are fucking uncomfortable because the dumbshit writing team thinks we are all a bunch of goddamn babies waddling around on the fucking floor and begging for more horseshit while giggling like slack-jawed yokels! Here’s a newsflash for all the WWE employees who think this angle is a success: People don’t like to have their intelligence insulted, POINT BLANK. All that lame ass angle did was cause even MORE people to stop watching wrestling because they just can’t take the bullshit anymore. Hell, I’m almost to my limit as well. There’s only SO MUCH Booker T and Chris Jericho can do on RAW before I give and just say “fuck it, I’ll watch Smackdown from now on!”. Just watch as all the loyal fans who stuck with you through all the bad years leave in droves, booking team, and then think again if it was a good idea to air this bullshit.

Please credit Jim Ross of WWE.com




2. LAWLER GETS DEFENSIVE… AGAIN.

In a funny bit, Jerry Lawler updated his commentary this week and, in what seems to be the norm lately, he took another potshot at the internet because we’re all just insignificant, whiny bitches with computers and we judge everything too harsely. BRAVO, KING! Maybe next time while Triple H is fucking a dead woman, you’ll win an award for being the best corporate shill of the year! In his commentary, Lawler goes on to compare the HHH video to the infamous dirty word from “Gone With the Wind”. Okay, first off, “Gone” is a classic movie and while the word “damn” caused a shitstorm then, it was a word that was regularly utter many a time during that time period while I’ll willing to bet that nercophilia is NOT common practice for the mentally sane now. And saying that it got people talking? Sure, the dirty word did back in 1939, but the reality of the situation is that the media isn’t biting on this one, King, so do me a favor next time and pull Vince’s dick from between your ears and think clearly for once. There’s a reason why Mick Foley cancelled his Byte This! appearance and hasn’t been on TV since the Alliance angle ended with a thud, there’s a REASON the news media has given this the coverage akin to Pokemon tourneys on ESPN, and it’s because Vince is nothing more than an aging carny shyster who is so desperate that he’s willing to break promises that he himself made just to pop a rating or a buyrate, hence the lame gay wedding angle. So, the next time you want to verbally and electronically berate internet fans for not “getting it”, maybe you should take a look around RAW and the PPVs, see all the blacked out areas due to empty seats and wonder if it was fucking worth it, jerkoff.




1. SCOTT STEINER FINALLY FREAKS THE WWE

Obviously, if you haven’t heard by now, Scott Steiner is now a fully credited employee of the WWE, so all the Steiner fans can finally shut the fuck up when whining about when the hell he was going to get signed. On the WWE website, they got a bunch of “honest” reactions from some superstars concerning the latest member of the promotion with Brock Lesnar’s being both the funniest and the more legit sounding one(“Bring him on.”) while everyone else more than likely did the usual shill job to put over how great the guy is.

Like a good buddy from the forums, RickyChoysu said, “Next time try not to tow the company line, fellas.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself, Ricky.

My personal feelings on the Steiner signing are covered in the latest Crossface(link in monologue), so click on it and read up, fellas. Needless to say, I don’t think it’s a good idea.

Please credit WWE.com






Well, that wraps it up for this week. Be sure to check out the always entertaining JHawk as he suffers through RAW on RAW from JHawk’s Beak, one of our latest writers, Patrick Spoon covering Tough Enough 3(poor bastard), the always esteemed Dr. Tom bringing both The Midweek News and the Smackdown Report(lucky bastard). I’ll be back next week to bore your asses some more with the next Top 5!


Later, bootches!


Byron Vester
The SmartMarks.com
E-mail me at: [email protected](remember to remove the spam-killing x’s)
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