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Ask Metal Ed, September 14, 2002
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post Oct 2 2002, 09:07 AM
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Ask Metal Ed
by Edward Bonham III

(IMG:http://www.openbook.co.nz/mullet.jpg)

Hey, dudes. For those of you who ain't never heard of me, my name is Metal Ed. I'm pretty much the rockinest dude in Wausau, Wisconsin but I'm bringing this heavy shit nationwide now. The Smart Marks asked me to answer some questions on their site and I ain't got no problem with that. Just don't ask me no stupid bullshit questions. I ain't afraid to crack your skull. Get ready to rock:

DEAR METAL ED: I am an attractive 33-year-old, unattached woman who is extremely shy and lonely. Please don't tell me to look for companionship in church (done that) or clubs, which don't exist in my small town.
The nearest singles group is a 30-mile drive, and the "pickings" there are slim. Most of my friends are married and preoccupied with husbands and busy households. We might meet for coffee or an occasional meal, but not often.

The few single girlfriends I have are romantically involved and do not want to leave their boyfriends even for an hour, so I am stuck every weekend at home by myself. I tried an Internet dating service. All the responses I got were from men 50 and older -- even though I requested no one over 37.
I am beginning to doubt myself as a person -- fearing that no one will ever want to get close to me. My attitude is starting to affect my job performance.

Metal Ed, am I asking too much to want someone to cuddle up with at night; someone to be there when I've had a rough day; someone to go bike riding with or for a day at the beach?

Can you help me? Please tell me what I can do. My birthday is coming up. All I want in the whole world is to spend it with someone who cares about me. -- LONELY IN A SMALL TOWN SOMEWHERE IN VIRGINIA


--Dear Lonely Chick: I figure you’re probly just ugly. Ain’t nothing wrong with that, really. Most of the chicks Metal Ed’s done haven’t been no beauty queens neither. What you need to do is find someplace real nice, like the skating rink or something, and get all gussied up before you go. I mean, like, a bunch of hair spray and lots of makeup and shit. Get all to looking like one of those chicks from Poison. Go up there in something tight and latex, too. I bet that’ll work. They got that DJ up there and I ain’t never seen him outside of his little box, so I figure he’d probly like some company. Get him to play some Dokken, too. I’m tired of hearing that sissy pop shit but I need to go there since I ain’t welcome in front of the Stop and Go no more. I don’t really wanna talk about that too much. If that don’t work, I know some of them dudes up to the prison who’d probly like to meet a lonely chick. They got them trailers for conjugal visits, too, so you could still wear that stuff I told you about. Hell, you could come up here to Wausau. I ain’t got nothing planned.



DEAR METAL ED: I'm in a play at school and have to wear stage makeup. But I've heard it can clog pores and cause zits. Is there any way to prevent this?—SOMEWHAT PIMPLY IN PEORIA


--Dear Pizza Faced Broad: I got suckered into being in a play in 8th grade once. I didn't know what was going on or nothing. They got me playing this Kenickie dude in Grease. I couldn't memorize my lines or nothin, since Metal Ed couldn't read too good back then. This was before I got some tutoring so I could read them vampire books. So I basically just got up there and started bangin' my head pretty good, trying to talk to Danny Zuko about the new Winger album. He wasn't too happy with me. They booted me after the first show and that didn't bother me or nothing. I was thinking I might could score with that Rizzo chick, though. She was making googly eyes at Metal Ed. I can tell. I don't know nothin about your question, though, since I punched the makeup dude in the nuts when he tried to put some of that crap on my face. Metal Ed ain't no girl. I had a bunch of zits back then anyway. Makeup wasn't gonna hurt me none. I figure you should just wear it and then wash your face real good afterward. Get one of them washcloths and scrub it real good, like you're buffing your Trans Am. That oughta take care of it.



--DEAR METAL ED: Right before school finished last spring, I made out with a guy in my class at a party. We never got together after that. Over the summer I hooked up with a fellow camp counselor (he doesn't live near me, but we talk on the phone and we're still really close). How do I deal with the weirdness of seeing my old crush at school?


--Dear Easy Chick: I figure you should do him. Me and Wanda, the big girl up to the Wal-Mart, started making out at the demolition derby one time. Ain't nothing happened before that, so it was pretty strange. Things was pretty awkward after that, so I decided I'd just do her and get it over with. She was pretty cool with it. After we did that threesome, she stopped coming around too much. I figure she's probably embarrassed. Either that or Metal Ed is too much man for her and she don't wanna get tore up again. That last one ain't too likely, though. If you don't wanna do him, though, I figure you oughta drop out. School ain't all that bitchin' to begin with and having some dude making googly eyes at you is probly just gonna make it worse. If you got a junkyard down there in Clearwater, I bet they'll hire you there. They ain't too particular about education.



Send questions for Metal Ed, concerns, thoughts, etc. to [email protected]
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