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Hogan vs. McMahon: The Feud of the Decade, July 2, 2003
Guest_TSMAdmin_*
post Oct 6 2003, 07:42 PM
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More Bradshaw love, from Doug at TheHeelSection:

Here is something else that I blatently stole from www.pwtorch.com. I
thought it would make for some good discussion:

Bradshaw, in his latest column on the WWE website, defended Triple H against
internet criticism. "I have seen some of the negative stuff Triple H has
gotten over the net," Bradshaw writes. "My question would be, what are you people
who are writing this stuff mad at? Triple H came into this company years ago
with an above average build and above average ring ability, he has taken his
body to become the best in the business and has taken his ring ability to become
one of the best workers in this business. What is it that you guys who write
bad things hate about him?

"Try a little introspection. You guys that have written this stuff how have
you advanced in your job? Have you done as much as he has to succeed, if not
why? Here is a guy who has worked his ass off to be in this position, and I dare
say, a lot of people that are negative are that way because they themselves
are mad because they don't have that kind of discipline, so they have to make
excuses for other people's success and blame it on other factors. A lot of
people believe they haven't succeeded because something or someone is against them
when most of the time it is just because they are lazy and unmotivated.

"Look at the facts. Triple H was here when Steve Austin was out injured, The
Rock was making movies and Undertaker was hurt. Benoit, Jericho, Lesner, and
Angle weren't here yet; Kane was also out during this time injured. So Triple H
had to carry the ball in a very hard spot to be in, and he did a great job.
He was the whole show several times, but it was because he was the only one at
the time capable of doing it. So those of you, who have written bad things,
keep writing. You guys love to be negative, but at least be honest about the
facts."


Is he drunk again? Is he trying to make sure he gets a spot when he comes
back? Let's break this down...

I would agree that Triple H WAS working hard in the past to move up the WWE
ladder. Then he started boinking Stephanie. Is Bradshaw saying that we should
start using "supplements" and sleeping with the bosses daughter so we can
move up the ladder where we work?

Is his drunk ass trying to say that Jericho wasn't around when the Rock was
making movies and Taker was hurt? Because....he definitely WAS. You know when
else he was around? When Cripple H was hurt, Jericho CARRIED the company.
What has he gotten in return? Kept down, that's what.

All I'm saying is if Bradshaw is that concerned with his spot, to where he
has to sink to this level....then so be it. Do what you gotta do. Just don't
drop to your knees in front of us....I for one don't want to see it

But what do I know....I'm just a mark, right?


Caption contest





(IMG:http://thesmartmarks.com/artman/uploads/kane17.jpg)


Joint winners again:

Donald Heinrich: Triple H: Kane, join Evolution, and you won't need to worry about your mask being gone. In fact, I have your new outfit right here!

Jonas Fairfield: Triple H proudly shows the last body that's been on top of him for 3 whole seconds.



Column

When people look back on the greatest feuds in WWE's history, many names will be mentioned. However, there is one feud that has outshined and outeclipsed everything that WWE, WCW, ECW or any other federation in the WORLD has had.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm talking, of course about...

Vince McMahon vs. Hulk Hogan

First of all, some character introductions, in order of appearance.

***image14:center***

Stephanie McMahon. Vince's daughter, and general manager of SmackDown! She has the ability to run SmackDown! as though she owned it, except when it is convenient for Vince to overrule her.

***image4:center***

Vince McMahon. Owner of WWE, and an asshole. He's also an asshole on TV. Created Wrestlemania and Hulkamania back in the 80s, and won't let anybody forget it.

***image19:center***

Hulk Hogan. The Stone Cold Steve Austin of the 80s, Hogan has remained amazingly popular, despite always sucking. Has retired from wrestling at least a dozen times, and always finds a way to make a comeback

***image20:center***

"Rowdy" Roddy Piper. Miserable Scottish guy, who isn't Scottish. Recently blamed Vince McMahon for Owen Hart's death, and pretty much said he'd never work for Vince again. He then went on to work for Vince again. In the 80s, he hosted a talk show segment called Piper's Pit, which was a sort of precursor to the huge interview segments found today.

***image1:center***

Sean O'Haire. Former WCW tag team wrestler with Chuck "I was gay, but now I'm in the mafia" Palumbo, Sean apparently had problems working "WWE Style", and was sent down to OVW to improve. Redebuted with some awesome vignettes telling you to cheat on your wife, and not bother paying taxes. Since those aired, he has remained two dimensional and dropped the "Devil's Advocate"
character.

***image2:center***

Mr. America. Hulk Hogan with a stupid fucking blue mask on. There. Let's kill any cute pretence that Hogan and Mr. America are different people.

***image10:center***

Rikishi. Fat, untalented Samoan wrestler with a penchant for rubbing his thong-clad ass in people's faces. Remains ridiculously over, despite a failed main-event push.

***image11:center***

Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka. Another face from the 80s, Jimmy was Mick Foley's inspiration to start wrestling. In WWE terms, he's related to Rikishi, but in WWE terms, every Samoan is related in some way. Anyway, he's not that important any more.

***image5:center***

Zach Gowan. One legged wrestler brought in from NWA:TNA. Appears weekly on SmackDown! despite not having a contract. Vince seems to hate him, but I'm yet to figure out why.

***image3:center***

Sable. Former WWE Diva and Playboy centrefold, Sable sued the then-WWF for sexual harassment after being asked to perform a lesbian storyline. Since Vince likes to forgive and forget, he brought her back and put her in a lesbian storyline.

With that out of the way, on with the story.

Our epic feud begins on a cold Thursday night, back in January of 2003. All dates of SmackDown! shows represent the date they aired, rather than when they were taped.


January 23rd 2003 – SmackDown!

Stephanie McMahon opens the show with an announcement: She'll be closing the show with an announcement.

And her announcement is: Hulk Hogan making his big return to WWE, after less than 6 months away. He spends 10 minutes coming out to the ring (with Triple H taking notes), a further 10 minutes saying, "I'm back. Brother", and a final 10 minutes with Vince McMahon appearing, telling Hogan that Hulkamania is dead.

Seriously, that was it. They could have done the whole thing in a tenth of the time, but that's not McMahon's style.

Hogan wants to fight McMahon, but he doesn't want to, so Hogan hits a one punch knock out to end the show and the feud is ON~!


January 30th 2003 – SmackDown!

***image9:center***

Vince argues with Stephanie over Hogan's signing, before announcing a surprise of his own.

Vince comes out to the ring, and makes a bunch of worked-shoot comments about Hogan being washed up and manipulating and a politician. He also points out that Vince McMahon was the one that created Hulkamania, and Vince McMahon will be the one to kill it. As long as he does it quickly, that's fine with me. Well – it's not like they are going to drag it out for 6 months, is it.

Vince's big surprise is announcing the main event for No Way Out. It's going to be a rematch from Wrestlemania, between Hulk Hogan and the Rock. The Rock is away making movies, remember, and hasn't been seen since Lesnar beat him at SummerSlam. Actually, Hogan hasn't been around since Lesnar beat him, too. How'saboutthat.

Rocky appears live via satellite and starts his heel act by turning on the fans and Hogan. In a classic line, he says that "in one corner will be the biggest star that the industry has ever seen, and in the other... Hulk Hogan".


February 6th 2003 – SmackDown!

Hulk Hogan comes out to the ring, and trades insults with the Rock (who is live via satellite yet again.) Hogan then claims that everything Vince said last week was untrue, and that Vince is a piece of shit. So it took two whole interview segments, over two weeks for them to go, "You're washed up." "No I'm not, you're a liar." Christ. Especially since there was exactly 73:52 of wrestling on BOTH SHOWS COMBINED.


February 13th 2003 – SmackDown!

Ten minute segment recapping the Rock / Hogan feud, which says nothing at all. Much like the feud to this point.


February 20th 2003 – SmackDown!

The Rock makes his return to SmackDown!, and cuts one of his excellent promos where he can turn himself face and then heel and back again. His mic work is unbelievable. "Finally the Rock has come back to Indianaaaaaaaaaaaaapo ah who gives a crap?"

Later on, Hogan is out to the ring, but the Rock interrupts him before he can say anything. Rock says an apology is in order for the rude things that have been said. Hogan agrees, but doesn't realise that he should be apologising. Apologising to every single person who is watching this crap. The Rock mocks Hogan, and offers him a handshake, but then spits in his face.


February 23rd 2003 – No Way Out

Hulk Hogan vs. The Rock

At the end of the match, Hogan is about to win, when the lights go out. The referee is knocked out, but it isn't obvious who did it. Vince McMahon comes out, to a "You Screwed Bret" chant from the Montreal crowd. While Hogan is distracted by McMahon, the referee (who was faking being KOd) throws Rocky a chair, and he knocks Hogan out for the win. Post match, McMahon, Rock and the referee, Sylvian (I've seen it spelled Sylvian by Meltzer, Sylvan by Keith, and Sylvain by someone else) Grenier, pose in the ring together. Grenier went on to join La Resistance and become a Raw tag team champion.


February 27th 2003 – SmackDown!

Vince opens the show by telling us that there's no Rock, and no Hogan on tonight. One out of two isn't bad. Vince talks some smack to Hogan, and recaps the end of the No Way Out PPV.

The Evil Referee (not Earl Hebner) comes out and shows some clips from the previous night.

I'm still waiting for something not involving the Rock to actually happen, because all this back and forth "I'm better than you" is getting boring. Especially since it is fucking meaningless.


March 6th 2003 – SmackDown!

More bloody talking from Hogan. And Vince joins him. They argue over who created Hulkamania, the steroid trial, and Hogan's traitorous jump to WCW. Of course, the truth is that
1) Hogan was way over anyway, and Hulkamania is just a silly catchphrase
2) Hogan had no choice but to appear in court
3) Vince realised that Hogan was pretty much past it as a legitimate main eventer in 1994, and so was happy to send him on his way – after jobbing him to Yokozuna, with his own finisher.

Vince challenges Hogan to a Wrestlemania match (despite turning a challenge from Hogan down on January 23rd)


March 13th 2003 – SmackDown!

A long, long video package covering Hogan's career and some of his appearances on talk shows. It culminates with an old clip of him shaking McMahon's hand and saying "Thank you."

Vince tells us that that was the only time Hogan ever said "thank you" to him. This apparently "upsets" him. I can see why it would, but he should have just spoken to Hogan about it. There's no need to get this angry. Unless you're a bitter old moron.

This feud is almost two months old, and we've seen one punch.


March 20th 2003 – SmackDown!

Bob Costas (I'm sure he is important to you Americans) compares Hogan vs. McMahon to the old timers baseball game. I'm sure that means something to you Americans, too. But I could not give less of a fuck if I tried.

Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, who looks almost dead, gives his thoughts on the match too.

Jesse Ventura talks about it too.

Then... a contract signing. Seriously. And can you guess what happens? That’s right: The heel sneak attacks the face. This is killing me just writing about it. Oh, and McMahon fills a pen with Hogan Blood and makes him sign his name in it, making the Wrestlemania match a "if Hogan loses, he retires. Again." match.

***image15:center***

Oh, and Mean Gene is there, looking more like a fucking chipmunk than ever before. He doesn't do anything apart from hold Hogan's microphone.


March 27th 2003 – SmackDown!

***image17:center***

Jimmy Hart is back, and he's going to be Hogan's sidekick, apparently. Hogan's Evil Son is here too.

Long boring video package, and Hogan's out to... fucking talk. Hulkamania is still running wild (well, walking with a zimmer frame.) Oh, and Vince is evil. Thanks for telling us that, Hulk, because you've NEVER MENTIONED IT BEFORE.

Hogan gives us... more talking. He says that Vince is a bad person, and that he was screwed in Montreal, and that his brother Owen's dea... sorry, that the contract signing last week was the lowest that Vince has stooped. I can think of at least 10 times he's stooped lower, and two of those involve Mae Young. At WrestleMania, we'll see a Hogan like we've never seen before. A talented one.

***image13:center***

There's a couple of segments featuring Vince "preparing" for the match. This is only half the preparation though, the other half involves a syringe – if you know what I mean.


March 30th 2003 – Wrestlemania XIX

This is it, ladies and gentlemen. Finally, this feud will be put to rest after two long months of nothing.

The Miller Lite Catfight Girls (again, an American reference that I couldn't give half a fuck about) argue about who created Wrestlemania – Vince McMahon, or Hulk "Holgan". I see they care about the match as much as anyone else.

Vince McMahon vs. Hulk Hogan

The match plods along at a really, really slow pace. And it's all punch, kick, because that's all that either of them can do. Oh wait, Vince does a leg drop off a ladder, through the announce table, earning a "holy shit" chant.
Rowdy Roddy Piper arrives, weeks after blaming Vince for Owen Hart's death, and clocks Hogan with a lead pipe. Vince gets two off that.
Evil French Referee comes in after a ref bump, but Hogan throws him out of the ring, and now it's the retarded "hulking up", and three legdrops get the win for Hogan.

Post match, Shane O Mac is out to check on his dad (and to see if he can claim his inheritance after those three legdrops.) Hogan holds the ropes open for him.

Thank God all that Hogan / Vince crap is over. Right?


April 3rd 2003 – SmackDown!

It bloody isn't over, is it? Vince wants to know as soon as Hogan arrives. He tells Steph that Hogan is in trouble. What... was he late for his tea?

Hogan arrives, with Jimmy Hart and Hulk junior.

And your special main event tonight is... Hulk vs. Vince. Talking.

Vince admits that Hogan won, and that he wants to put the past behind them, and that he wants to be friends. Fucking hell, are they like 7 years old or something. They shake hands, and Hogan leaves. But no, that'd be too short, so Vince tells Hogan that he's going to pay him the rest of his contract to sit at home. When his contract ends, Hulkamania will die of leprosy. You couldn't make this up.

***image16:center***

Vince then manages to get Hogan to follow him into the car park to fight, but police officers swarm around he's sent on his way in the back of a car.

Vince says that he never loses. No, but the fans do.


April 10th 2003 – SmackDown!

Right, with Hogan all but fired, and never coming back, surely this must be it. Yeah right.

They reshow the "Hulkamania is going home to die" bit from last week, just to try and raise suicide rates a little bit more.

Piper's Pit returns, which is just a dressed up interview segment "hosted by" Rowdy Roddy. Vince McMahon is the "special" guest (special as in "special school", or "special Olympics") and he's already talking about giving Hulkamania leprosy. According to this site, it's bacteria that causes leprosy.

***image6:center***

Vince claims that he created Piper (hopefully this won't lead to another 2 months of duelling promos – and anyway, Vince wants credit for giving a Scottish gimmick to someone who isn't from Scotland?)

Piper disputes that, and calls Vince on some of his many mistakes – XFL being notably mentioned, as well as the WBF. Anyway, why are these two arguing? Piper helped Vince less than three weeks ago. Ah, good – they're shaking hands. They do both hate Hogan.

Piper notes that Vince did something that he could never do – pin Hogan 1,2,3.

Vince is about to leave, thankfully, but Rikishi comes out with a coconut, wanting revenge for Piper hitting Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka with one 20 years ago. Sean O'Haire makes the save for Piper.


April 17th 2003 – SmackDown!

A mystery video package is shown, announcing the arrival of "Mr. America". I wonder who that could be. I hope it's an exciting new superstar that will rejuvenate SmackDown!, and put on some classic matches.

More Piper's Pit.

They replay the "coconut" incident alluded to last week, and Sean O'Haire is announced as Piper's new Evil Partner, so that he can learn from him. Why anyone would want to learn from a deluded fat sell-out ex-wrestler is beyond me. Rikishi joins us, and challenges Sean to a match at Backlash, and Piper to one next week. Why anyone at all thought this was a good idea is beyond me. Sean and Roddy beat up Kish and the returning (thankfully for one night only) Jimmy Snuka.

***image12:center***


April 24th 2003 – SmackDown!

My birthday, and my treat is Piper vs. Rikishi!

Punch, punch, punch, Sean O'Haire, DQ, 1:39, rubbish, next.

***image7:center***

Mr America will be here: Next week! YAY~!


April 27th 2003 – Backlash

Rikishi (w/Ass) vs. Sean O'Haire (w/Asshole)

The match is pretty dull, with not a lot happening either way Neither guy gets any real offence in, and it drags horribly. Piper gets involved a couple of times, and the horrible match ends with Piper distracting Rikishi with a coconut, and Sean getting the cheap superkick win in about 5:00.

***image8:center***


May 1st 2003 – SmackDown!

Well, tonight's the night that Mr America will be unveiled, and I'm as excited as the time nothing happened at all.

Stephanie tells us that she's never seen Mr America, and doesn't know who he is. Jesus Fuck, do they think the fans are retards or something? Are we not supposed to think that that is fucking ridiculous? Stupid bitch.

Steph leaves Mr America's locker-room, looking confused. He must have said "no".

Oh, and now Vince is on his way. Steph is worried, and I couldn't be persuaded to care if she stripped naked and said "please care about me". She then phones Vince, and tells him not to bother coming. She doesn't understand that Vince = ratings, apparently.

Vince is here~! And he wants to meet Mr. America. He doesn't usually care about the new talent. Or the established talent.

Piper's Pit, special guest: Mr. America.

Mr America is obviously Hulk Hogan underneath a blue hood. Even his moustache can be seen. He comes out to "Real American", and does the stupid "hand to ear" thing, followed by the shirt ripping. Someone kill me, please. And whoever decided to run with this angle.

Piper claims that Mr. America is Hulk Hogan, but America denies this. So what, the face Hulk Hogan is flat out lying to the heel? That's... interesting. Vince is soon out, and claims that Hogan is breaching his contract, and he'll be sent home with a lawsuit. America keeps up the ridiculous charade, and Vince fires him.

Thank God for that. All hail Vincent McMah... wait, no. America has an "iron clad" contract from Stephanie, which states that he can't be fired or suspended, making this angle a million times more retarded. Steph hasn't even seen Mr. America before tonight, so for all she knew, he could have been 50 years old, or had one leg or something.

Vince tries to rip his mask off, but America fights back, knocking down Mr. Scotland, er, Roddy Piper, Vince and Sean O'Haire, and poses with the flag. Confetti falls from the ceiling to close the show.


May 8th 2003 – SmackDown!

Vince opens the show by announcing that Hulk Hogan will be here... but not in the arena. He asks Steph why she signed Mr. America, and she says it's because he's the "biggest superstar on the horizon." She's never heard of Jody Fleisch then.

They reiterate that Mr. America can't be fired or suspended – but Hulk Hogan can. So all they need to do is prove that Hulk Hogan is Mr. America, and the only way they can do this is to demask America. Hulk Hogan appears "live" by video link-up, and goes over exactly the same stuff as last week: He is not Mr. America. He then quotes George Washington, by saying that he cannot tell a lie. So that whole "I don’t take steroids thing was what? An accident?"

They talk a lot, without saying anything, basically it comes down to "I'm not Mr. America" "I'll rip his mask off and prove that Mr. America is Hulk Hogan."

Oh, but there's a shocker in store: Mr. America is HERE! But Hogan was just live from his home in Florida, and SmackDown! is in Nova Scotia. I don't know any North American geography, but I bet he couldn't have just run there.

Mr. America is out for (shockingly) an interview segment. He's an accountant from New Jersey, who saw WrestleMania and now wants to be like Hogan. Vince is out, and for the first time in less than an hour, threatens to tear the mask off. He brings Steph out to do the honours, but when America turns his back, Vince lowblows him and goes for the mask. America throws Vince back, and he falls into Stephanie, knocking her unconscious. I suppose that's one way to shut her up.

Mr. America carries her to the back, and she recovers enough to blame Vince. Vince blames Mr. America. Sheila Broflovski blames Mr. Canada.


May 15th 2003 – SmackDown!

Vince opens the show, to let us know that he thinks Mr. America is Hulk Hogan. No shit, you silly old man. He offers an open contract to anyone who wants to fight Mr. America at Judgment Day. See, there's your logic problem: Vince doesn't want Mr. America on TV. So he books him in a match.

Anyway, the FBI come out and introduce themselves, with a video package of their beatdowns. They offer to take on Mr. America, and Vince tells them to stop by his office later. They have to "earn" their title shot. If you know what I mean.

In Stephanie's office, there's two sets of flowers: Red and yellow ones from Hulk Hogan, and red and white ones from Mr. America. Vince smashes the vases against the wall. What a miserable bastard.

Later on, Steph is as bored of SmackDown! as I am, and decides to leave early, bumping into Mr. America. She thanks him for the flowers, and tells him to thank Hulk Hogan for her. She kisses him on the cheek.

Piper's Pit. Special guest: Mr. America.

Piper wants Mr. America at Judgment Day, pointing out how Hulk Hogan has never pinned him. Who gives a fuck? You had plenty of chances to beat him.

Piper turns on some scrawny kid in the crowd, who is waving the American flag. Mr. America says that he has the right to wave the flag, but Piper tells O'Haire (who has gone from his student to his bitch) to take care of the kid. Piper hits Mr. America with a chair, and the Kid With The Flag comes in to help him. And they wonder why drunk morons rush the ring sometimes. Piper attacks the Kid, and pulls his leg, then the other one, which finally comes off in his hands. This freaks him out, and that's the end of that.

***image5:center***

Backstage, Vince yells at Sean and Roddy, but only Sean seems to care.

Later on, they do pretty much the same thing, but with Roddy responding this time: He does what he wants (when he wants, and it will be the very worst day of your life.)


May 18th 2003 – Judgment Day

Judgment Day

Mr. America arrives, and is met by ace reporter Gregory Helms. In the only intentionally funny moment of this whole fucking mess, Gregory asks if Mr. America is Hulk Hogan, to which America replies that he's heard Gregory Helms is the Hurricane. Gregory says he must be wrong, as does Mr. America. Funny, but pointless.

Vince tells Piper that he was as much a part of the WWF's success as Hulk Hogan. Piper says he will allow Vince to unmask Mr. America. Please, for the love of Jesus unmask him. Then pull his stupid leathery face off as well.

Mr. America (w/ One Legged Zach Gowan) vs. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper (w/ Sean O'Haire)

I hope it's short. In fact, when this match first aired, I spent the whole time watching one person in the crowd (as much as I could, anyway.) They didn't seem to care either.

Anyway, a recap:

Punching, turnbuckle ramming, Sean O'Haire, belt shots, sleeper, punches and big boot, Vince McMahon, attacked by Zach, low blow, missed pipe shot, leg drop, win for Mr. America.

Sorry, but if I go any more detailed than that, I'd have to watch the match another time, and, well, I've suffered this much for you already by watching it twice.

Post match, Gowan hides behind Mr. America while Vince looks ANGRY~!


May 22nd 2003 – SmackDown!

The show opens with a recap of the Mr. America vs. Roddy Piper match from Judgment Day. Vince is STILL ANGRY~! AND STILL TALKING~! He isn't happy with the mistakes on SmackDown – even though he's the twat that made them. Anyway, the first mistake was Stephanie signing Mr. America. He was embarrassed at Judgment Day, when the handicapped kid assaulted him.

Stephanie will interview the handicapped kid – TONIGHT! I'm so excited, that I'm going to watch another channel.

Stephanie meets Vince backstage. She says that he's obsessed with Mr. America. He says he's obsessed with mistakes and control. That's one way of looking at it, I guess. Tonight though, he'll be out of control.

Vince comes back out to the fucking ring. He blames Piper for failing at Judgment Day, and calls him out. Out he comes, with Sean O'Haire, and finally apologises for screwing up. Vince slaps him, and Piper gives him a look of hatred. I'd give him one of them, too. Vince says he's bringing out Piper's "fire", and goes to slap him again. Piper warns that he'll rip Vince's throat out if he touches him again. O'Haire blames himself for the fuck-up at Judgment Day, and offers to fight Mr. America. TONIGHT! Vince agrees, but if Sean loses, then Piper is fired. For the love of God, please throw the match.

Stephanie interviews Zach Gowan

Zach lost his leg aged 8, to cancer. His dad left when he was 4, and his mother worked full time. The Make-a-wish foundation granted him a wish, which was to meet Hulk Hogan. He eventually turned it down, because he knew he would live. His goal then became to be a professional wrestler. Steph says that "anything can happen in WWE." Sadly, it can't, and that's one of their main problems.

Mr. America is having his photo taken backstage, presumably for the Make-a-wish foundation, when Vince approaches him. Vince offers the stipulation that if Mr. America loses to Sean O'Haire – TONIGHT!, then he must take a lie detector test next week. Mr. America says no, but eventually "yes", after being told that if he refuses, then Zach Gowan will never get a match. I bet he's glad he took that stipulation on.

Mr. America vs. Sean O'Haire

Hogan does his usual five moves, and Vince comes out. He says that because Zach is licensed to be on the show, he's trespassing and at Judgment Day, he assaulted Vince. McMahon stole Zach's cane, as it's an offensive weapon, and had police officers handcuff him and drag him away. Mr. America tries to reason with him, but is counted out. So, it's a lie detector next week. Yay.


May 29th 2003 – SmackDown!

Lie Detector Test – TONIGHT!

Vince has his limo driver park in a disabled space – well, who else will need it? Zach, Mr. America and Piper, and that’s only if you count the physically disabled.

Zach tells Josh Matthews that Mr. America's future is in the balance, in a thrilling moment.


Lie detector time. Vince spots Zach in the crowd, and says that tonight, neither Hogan or Gowan will have a leg to stand on. That's quite witty, except Zach DOES have a leg to stand on. Here's Mr. America out, and he sits in the chair.

Are you Mr. America? Yes True
Are you in a wrestling ring? Yes True
Are you Hulk Hogan? No True

Oh yeah, every time Mr. America tells the truth, there's this really cheesy "Ding" noise. As if the segment wasn't pathetic enough. Vince thinks the machine is broken, so he hooks himself up. Anyone seen that Simpsons episode where Moe is hooked up to a lie detector?

Moe is strapped to a lie detector in the next scene. Eddie and Lou
administrate the test.

Eddie: Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No! [buzz]
All right, Maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him. [ding]
Eddie: Checks out. OK, sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz]
_A_ date. [buzz]
Dinner with friends. [buzz]
Dinner alone. [buzz]
Watching TV alone. [buzz]
All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the
Victoria's Secret catalog. [buzz]
[weakly] Sears catalog. [ding]
[angry] Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't
deserve this kind of shabby treatment! [buzz]

(Thanks to http://www.snpp.com/episodes/2F20.html)

Yeah, so that's where this segment is going.
(Paraphrasing)

Tester: Are you Vince McMahon?
Vince: Yes [ding]
[Mr. America grabs the mic]
Mr. America: Are you the biggest asshole on God's green earth?
Vince: No [buzz]
Vince: I'm well respected! [buzz]
Are you a sick, perverted, power-hungry freak?
Vince: No. [buzz]
Vince: I'm a well-respected businessman [buzz]
Vince: I do it all for the fans [buzz]
Vince: Most of it for the fans [buzz]
Vince: I do it all for myself[ding]
Vince: I'm no pervert [buzz]
Mr. America: Do you pleasure yourself regularly to Torrie in Playboy?
Vince: No [buzz]
Vince: Last month [buzz]
Vince: This morning [buzz]
Vince: In the limo tonight [ding]
Vince: At least I don't fantasize about Mae Young [buzz]

Goes to show, there's an 85.7% chance of Vince McMahon lying at any one time. But, yeah, this was fucking retarded, not funny and lasted WAY too long.

Vince goes to Stephanie's office, and complains about the lie detector people, and about Mr. America. Of course, it's all her fault. Big changes are promised for next week. Like wrestling, for example.

Vince goes out to the limo, and of course it's being towed. He gets in the back anyway, as if they'll just drop him off at the airport on the way. Zach knocks on the window, and acts like a complete moron, reminding Vince that it is illegal to park in a handicapped space, if you aren't handicapped. Thanks for the public announcement, Zach. Vince threatens him back.

This show marks 5 months of Hogan and McMahon feuding. This stuff is fucking brutal to watch, especially for the second time.

Still, now they've proven that Hogan and Mr. America are two different people, that should be the end of that. Right?

Of course not!


June 5th 2003 – SmackDown!

Piper opens the show with his Pit, and he wants to be special, just like Zach. It's a shame I've already made the "special school" joke already. He calls out Zach, but Vince answers him. Vince says he was wrong about Zach, and he is a success story, and he will earn the chance to get a WWE contract.

Zach and America join us, and they both do the ear cupping. Mr. America is about to talk, but Vince says that it's between him and Zach. The lie detector was faulty, too. Well, that makes last week less of a waste of time then. Next week – Vince McMahon vs. Zach Gowan in an... arm wrestling match. I can hardly wait.

Vince and Stephanie are in her office, and she says Vince has done the wrong thing with this arm wrestling contest. No prizes for stating the obvious. She threatens to give him a contract, but Vince threatens to fire her. Then why the flying fuck hasn't he fired her for hiring Mr. America? Isn't that a bigger deal?
Anyway, he's hired an assistant for her. Sable. Steph reminds us that she sued WWE for sexual harassment, but Vince says that all he needs to forgive an forget is to have her wave her breasts in his face. The irony there is astounding. Vince tells Steph that she's just jealous of Sable's looks, and as Steph leaves, Sable checks out her ass. Because lesbians = ratings. Just ask Bischoff about his silly HLA stunts.


June 12th 2003 – SmackDown!

Gowan! McMahon! Arms! Tonight!

Sable is in Steph's office, apparently looking for Zach's contract. They argue about that, and then Sable spoils Steph's surprise. Not that she has a penis, but that she's bringing back the US title. They argue about that, too.

Mr. America pumps up Zach for the upcoming match, but not in the same way that Zach pumps up his girlfriend.

Arm wrestling time, and Steph is about to do the introductions, but is cut off by Sable. They bicker, and Steph introduces Zach and Mr. America. Vince is out next, and Mr. America tells him that he's not welcome here in Orlando. He then challenges McMahon to an arm wrestling match. McMahon refuses, but Sable whispers to him, and he changes his mind. However, if Mr. America loses, he leaves. And it isn't for Zach's contract.

They lock up(!) and Sable accuses America of cheating. They restart, and Sable flashes to distract America, for McMahon to win. Mr. America leaves, and it's Zach vs. McMahon for the contract.

McMahon is easily winning, but Gowan makes a comeback, and Vince kicks his leg away to win. He tells Gowan to leave, meaning the entire TWENTY MINUTE segment was meaningless. Way to reward the viewers.


June 19th 2003 – SmackDown!

Sable invites Zach into Stephanie's office.

Zach looks like a complete fool as Sable puts his hands on her boobies.

Sable pushes Gowan onto the desk, and tells him to beg for her. She says he never had a chance with her, and laughs at him for having one leg. Really classy. Vince comes in, and they both laugh at him. Oh, it was all a huge plot! Hilarious segments. Not these ones, though.

Sable and Vince look close to getting it on, because he hasn't fucked a Diva since Torrie Wilson debuted. Stephanie arrives, and removes Sable, before bawling out her daddy. Apparently, he whored her out when she was 17, which would be late 1993 – early 1994. Any ideas what went down then? She's giving Zach a contract, because that makes up for Vince being her pimp.


June 26th 2003 – SmackDown!

Sable tries to seduce Vince, but he's not interested. He's got more important things to do. Like work out which 80s star to sign next. I hear that Macho Man is still taking bookings, and still wants to fight Hogan.

Later, Vince calls out Steph and Zach. Vince admits to whoring Steph out, which I'm sure is illegal, but he apologises to her. She's disgusted, so he moves on to Zach. Zach has done something that Vince never did – spit in Death's face. Vince wants to be Zach, and offers an apology. Zach says no, and cuts an impressive promo about being treated like a joke. What has three legs and lives on a farm? Zach and his mother. Zach wants a contract, and Vince offers him one if he joins the STUPID FUCKING GAY RETARDED ARGHHH Kiss My Ass club. Vince drops his pants, and Zach, on Steph's orders, low blows him, and throws his cane at him.

Vince responds to this by throwing the cane at the audience, hitting someone in the face. This, of course, isn't shown on TV.

Mr. America, Kurt Angle & Brock Lesnar vs. Not Team Angle & The Big Show

This ends with Hogan and Show in the ring together. Vince drags out Zach as a hostage, Mr. America is distracted, and Big Show gets the pin. Vince assaults Gowan, but Steph breaks them apart. Vince books a match for next week, for Zach's contract: Zach Gowan and Stephanie McMahon vs. The Big Show, thus bringing the total number of "proper" wrestlers involved in this feud up to three.

Will this match be a ***** classic, or will it be a pile of horse ****? I bet I can guess...


June 30th 2003 - Internet

Wow! In the last week, Roddy Piper has been fired for his comments regarding steroid use on the HBO show, "Real Sports", and Hulk Hogan has been unhappy with his creative direction, and parted ways with WWE.

Will Hogan be back? Of course he will. How will this angle play out? Tune in to SmackDown! and find out. Or, save yourself the effort and wait for JHawk's SmackDown! report here on thesmartmarks.com



Outro

As if you haven't seen it already, check out Chatting with Trish Stratus: Round Two by Retro Rob, which is an interesting chat with the WWE wrestler.

Other than that, do you think that my columns should have a title?
Dames has his Diatribes, Patrick has his "Spoonful", Tony Jaymz has "fire me, I suck". If you can think of anything witty, then e-mail it in.

Obligatory caption contest:

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Please send your caption, along with any comments about the article to the address below.

Nik
[email protected]
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