A Spoonful of Raw for June 2nd, 2003 A.D.

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Hello. I’m the new guy... for GOOD~!

 

The Rock IS HERE. I was terrified that they were going to do some bait-and-switch. Fortunately, they showed him immediately so no one change the channel at any point. I know that Rock on my screen makes me disassemble my remote so I can’t use it. He’s in an ESCALADE TRUCK~ and I expect The Twins from The Matrix Reloaded to pop out also. “Rock, you are starting to anger us.” “Yes, anger us.”

 

WE’RE LOUD AND METAL-Y AND WE’RE IN SAN DIEGO~! JR and DA KING welcome us.

 

Trish Stratus & Ivory & Jackie v. Jazz & Victoria & Molly Holly: All right! Just what I like to see opening things up. Victoria gets a move called The Spider Web or something. Nifty. Molly trips up Trish, but Victoria clotheslines her by mistake and Ivory hits both of them with a crossbody to the floor. Wow, MILF POWER~! That leaves Jazz to stomp on Trish in the ring, and a sitout powerslam gets two. The flying chickenwing follows and the other two women do some double-teaming, with a PHAT Boston Crab/Camel Clutch combination. A pair of rollups by Trish get two counts. Neckbreaker and both girls are out, but Jackie gets the “hot” tag. See, here’s the problem with having only one strong face. If she’s the one that gets the crap beaten out of her, why should the crowd be excited if someone else comes in? Ivory comes in with a bodypress on Victoria for two, and Trish brings Victoria off the top with the rana. Ivory finishes Jazz with an X-Factor at 3:39. I wouldn’t mind seeing a six way, because this was structured so that each girl got their chance to show off, except Jacqueline. I don’t remember her doing anything of note. Sadly, too short to be really good. *

 

Goldberg is here in what JR is labeling as a Barracuda (even though he isn’t driving the same car as the infamous stall-out from weeks ago), but it looks like a Challenger to me, and the front grille emblem agrees with me. Either way, this made my night.

 

JR and the King talk about the new cookbook and run a poll on WWE.com, asking whether JR’s cookbook will flop or be a best-seller. I’m personally waiting for when they start asking which kind of cheese we prefer.

 

Elsewhere, Stacy tells Test “WE’RE THROUGH!” and Test gets so angry I’m afraid we’re going to have a woman-beating angle or a rape or something. Test points out that she is OBLIGATED~ to stick with him, and she just closes a door on his ass. You know, his immunity is over. Can we fire “Teflon Test” now?

 

The Hurricane v. Randy Orton‘s Sneak Attack: Bell didn‘t ring, so I guess it wasn‘t a match. DUD anyway. HHH appears to a mighty groan from the crowd and myself. Flair too! Please let Flair talk... WHOO! Flair talks about the wannabes coming and going and how Shawn needs to wrestle 350 times a year and make love to 3000 women before he can be the best. Damn, yo. Flair needs to work overtime to break Wilt’s record. Flair BOWS TO HHH. Oh, that’s just wrong. He then gives us some advice for dealing with the ladies. Flair is so awesome right now. The girls are supposed to beg for mercy. Michaels will be Flair’s bitch at Bad Blood. Allrighty then. Shawn of course interrupts to let us know that he’s not a little boy, yet not a woman. Shawn says that he was champion in 1992 when Flair left. Well, Intercontinental, sure. Shawn promises to run Flair into the ground, just like everyone else, and jam the torch that Flair passed to him up Flair’s ass. HHH tells Shawn to try something now, but Nash & Hurricane join us for a big-ass fight. I am so jacked for Flair/Michaels now. Oh yeah, Hurricane got a bigger pop for nailing Randy Orton with a chair than Nash got for his entrance.

 

Scott Steiner v. Stevie Richards: No entrance for Steven, nor is Victoria at ringside. Looks like I’ve lost any reason to give a crap about Steven, at least for this match. Steiner makes Stacy bend over a bunch in front of him. See, Test could have done this and looked kinda cool. Oh well. Test comes out to watch the match and has a goofy smile on his face that’s supposed to be sinister or something. Stuff happens, STEINER SMASH~ and stuff, and a thought pops into my head: What if Steiner has bionic legs? There must be a reason he only uses his upper body more than, say, boots that can hurt. I guess this was just so the crowd could see Stacy and pop for a bit. 1/4* Eric Bischoff joins us and tells us that it’ll be Steiner/Test at Bad Blood for the services of Stacy. I smell SWERVE~, but the crowd will never boo Stacy, so why have her turn and go with Test?

 

And “Classy” Freddie Blassie has died an hour ago. To think, he was just on the show three weeks ago, being as witty and crowd-pleasing as ever, without using profanity or suggestive tones or anything. A true entertainer has left us.

 

Austin and Bischoff are in the back, and I guess they’re buddies now or something, because they seem to be warming up to each other. Some competition has been discussed between them, and a redneck triathalon is on for Bad Blood. I shudder at what some of the things they’ll be doing might be.

 

Goldberg is giving an interview that sounds like a halftime interview at a football game. Jericho is shown outside THROWING PAINT ON THE CAR! FUCK YOU, JERICHO! I love Jericho and all, but you DO NOT fuck up old muscle cars. Goldberg takes chase in the car, but he drives in a different direction than where Jericho ran. At least we got to see it spin tires and leave tracks.

 

Christian takes over hosting duties on the Highlight Reel because Jericho is busy running from Goldberg, so it’s the Peep Show tonight. Rock is the guest, and everyone goes WILD. I’m so glad they kept the entrance video. Rock is about to hit the catchphrase, but Christian cuts him off and steals it. Rock has been replaced, sez Christian. Rock: “You‘re on CRACK!” I love The Rock. Christian points out that the fans have been booing Rock for months and have selected him as their champion instead, even the fat guy sucking on a hot dog. For all the talk of hot dogs in or at WWE events, I’ve never seen someone eating a hot dog when attending one myself. Rock heads into the crowd to take a poll, and it gets out of hand, with people just swarming around him. Jericho cuts into the mirth and merriment, however, and I drool at the prospect of Jericho and Rock verbally squaring off. Jericho points out that he’s never been speared, and Rock has. That’s all Jericho wanted, and he dismisses The Rock. Rock starts to talk trash, so Jericho and Christian beat Rock down until Booker T makes the save. Rock then lays out both Jericho and Christian and lets Booker have a People’s Elbow on Christian. Rock wants to leave, but Booker wants a Rockarooni first. Rock stalls a bunch, then kinda does it.

 

Kane v. Rene Dupree: I WANT THEIR COATS. SOMEONE GIVE ME LA RESISTANCE’S OUTFITS NOW. Dupree rolls Kane up in 2:12 after some really boring stuff. Man, I’m not the best guy for match play-by-play, am I. 1/4* Austin storms out, and Dupree or Grenier, whichever one got Stunned last week, runs away. Nice continuity. Austin dismisses RVD. He tells Kane that he lacks the fire he once had, and does everything to get Kane to chokeslam him. The crowd gets pissed every time Kane relents, then finally comes to its feet before Kane relents again. Austin Stuns Kane as punishment. I like the idea of Austin trying to motivate these guys to be more INTENSE~!

 

Gail Kim is coming. She’s hot and has skills, from what I hear. I’ve seen the hotness, but the skills remain to be seen personally.

 

HHH and his Legion of Doom plot, and HHH has a plan for something. Brainiac says it’s a good one.

 

Jericho and Christian try to flee the arena, but Austin stops them and says they’re not going anywhere.

 

Goldust & Booker T v. Chris Jericho and Christian: Booker grabs a headlock on Christian to start and clotheslines him, and a slam gets two. About thirty seconds into the match, we have to take a commerical break. You think they‘d schedule such things better. We return with Christian pounding on Booker and getting a dropkick. Hot tag to Goldust, who hits Christian with an atomic drop and pounds away in the corner. A slam gets two. He reverses a double backdrop attempt into a double DDT on the heels, and sets up Christian for the Shattered Dreams. Jericho cuts him off and they do an weird little sequence that leads to Booker getting a blind tag. He exchanges rollups with Christian, which gives the champ a two-count. Axe kick gets the pin for Booker at 8:20. Four minutes of that was commercials, though, and the rest was pretty lethargic. *1/2 And our Intercontinental champion hasn’t won a match yet since getting the belt. Goldberg runs in and goes for Jericho, but Charles Robinson takes the spear when Jericho shoves him into the path. Lil’ Naitch takes the spear like a MAN. I mean, he LANDS ON HIS FUCKING HEAD ALMOST. I like how they’re building the spear as something to be afraid of instead of Goldberg and his growling.

 

- Meanwhile, none of the referees will referee the Hell in the Cell match, so Austin decides to grab someone crazy enough to do it. I mean, would YOU want to be there to watch that match first hand?

 

Randy Orton, Ric Flair & HHH v. Hurricane, Shawn Michaels & Kevin Nash: Neat idea I just got: Have Orton’s entrance video like the Six Millon Dollar Man’s beginning was, with the shoulder and foot surgery being shown while an ominous voice says “WE WILL HAVE HIM AT 100% AGAIN. WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY.” Shawn grabs a headlock on Orton to start, and starts posing with Hurricane. JR notes that the right hand of Nash can change the complexion of any match with anybody. Um, does Nash beat off when he gets in the ring? HHH pounds away on Hurricane, who comes back with armdrags and brings in Shawn. HHH charges and hits boot, as Shawn keeps turning around to go after the heels until Flair lowblows him. I think they’re going to make Flair/Michaels the main event at Bad Blood suddenly for some reason. The heels work on the leg and Flair gets the figure-four (NOW WE GO TO SCHOOL~!), but Nash breaks it up with an elbowdrop. Hot tag (?) to Nash, as the heels all bump for him like pinballs and crowd is reacting sort of well, but it‘s more like they‘re watching a midcarder beat everyone down instead of main event pops. HHH and Flair both get knocked out of the ring, leaving Orton to get SHINING WIZARD’D~ by Hurricane, which gets two. JR is saying some weird shit about Nash‘s leg having a lot coming down on it. He might just be going senile or something. Think about when Austin announced the HITC match, and JR said “HHH! NASH! HELL IN THE CELL!! MY ASS!!” It just doesn’t add up, you know? Hurricane falls victim to a Pedigree, however and Orton gets the pin at 8:18. Hebner fucked up the pin. They need a new “senior official.” He seriously fucks up way too many times. Nash cleans house single-handedly, of course, and it’s the end of the show without revealing who Austin’s referee is. 1/2* I want to think the special referee will save the match, whoever it is, but I haven’t heard a thing about Foley being brought in or anything, and that’s the only person I can think of.

 

Sorry about the lateness of the report. I was just soooo damn tired last night I couldn’t finish it. My apologies. Next week will be done much quicker.

 

Send me feedback, death threats, Stephanie McMahon porn, whatever.