Raw from JHawk's Beak (4/29/2002)

[Guest TSMAdmin]

This Week in Wrestling History: April 29, 1985. Hulk Hogan becomes thefirst professional wrestler on the cover of Sports Illustrated. The issue is outsold by only the swimsuit issue. For the record, Danny Hodge was on

the cover of SI, but he was an amateur at the time, so it doesn't count.

 

Segment 1

 

We are live from the HSBC Arena in Buffalo, New York. Let the Judgment Dayhype begin! Hulk Hogan is here vs. William Regal! But let's be differentand kick off with a match!

 

One fall for the WWF Intercontinental Championship: Jeff Hardy vs. Eddy Guerrero

 

Matt is "recovering" from his match with Brock Lesnar, and coincidentally iswith Lita for her neck surgery. Remember, that injury has NOTHING to dowith blown huracanranas. It was DARK ANGEL. So :-P. Bell rings.Wrestling sequence to start. Armdrags and armdrag counters. Eddy begins to pound away on Jeff, but Jeff reverses a whip and takes Eddy down with aclothesline for 2. Flying anklescissors, and Eddy to the floor for a Tastykake break. Eddy back in, cheap shot, series of stomps. Forearm. European uppercuts. Flying elbow. Elbow to the back of the head. Back suplex. Slingshot senton...no! Jeff with that legsplit legdrop of his for 2. Eddy regains control, and takes Jeff down with a brain buster. He takes too much time for the frog splash, Jeff up after him...superplex!

Jawbreaker. Both men trade punches, then Jeff gains control. JR actually hypes the England tour, including Insurrextion. Jeff up top, but he takes too long and Eddy follows him up. Jeff shoves Eddy off of the superplex

attempt, misses the Swanton, but eventually takes Eddy down with a dropkick that also takes Charles Robinson down. Jeff covers, but no count. Eddy slides outside, Jeff goes for the pescado, but Eddy has the belt and hits Jeff coming down! Eddy up top for the frog splash to retain at 6:49. Good effort, but it was just too slow for my liking.

 

Your hosts are Good Ol' JR and The King, who leads us into a recap of last week's Ric Flair-Steve Austin saga.

 

Backstage, Stone Cold has arrived and is looking for Ric Flair. He has an attendant tell Flair he wants a meeting in the ring.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Good, but not nearly what it should have been, match to start the show. Part of it was the pacing, but part of it was simply the opposition for Eddy. I know Jeff Hardy's a former Intercontinental Champion (which wasn't mentioned unless I missed it), but I don't think anybody thought Jeff had any chance of actually taking the title. Sarcasm mode on. Now it looks like we're ready for our 20-minute interview, and I'm waiting with baited breath. Sarcasm mode off.

 

Segment 2

 

Out comes Steve Austin as predicted. We're still harping on the bad call, and I'm sorry, I'm going to root for Flair in this feud, McMahon's robotic programming be damned. Austin's in a bad mood. He's going to tell a story

and rehashes the Beverly Hillbillies bit. The short version, thank God, because his real story is about himself and his loss at Backlash, leading to last week's main event and the least surprising heel turn this month. Austin wants Flair in the ring to tell him he has a match with The Too Damn Big Show. Out comes The Man. Flair's going to speak from the top of the ramp, but Austin insists on it being in the ring. Flair's staying on the stage until he gets a guarantee he won't have to suspend Austin or worse. Smart man. He also resents being accused of knowing about Show's turn, so Austin flips him off. Flair is getting an asshole chant...I'm not sure it was toward Flair, but that's how JR plays it off. Flair apologizes, but Austin hasn't been given his match. Either give him the match or not, but move it along already. Flair respects Austin, yada yada yada. Flair turns down Austin's request vs. Show, but before Flair can explain, Austin interrupts. Big Show's in India on a promotional tour. Official prediction: He'll be in Buffalo by the end of the night. Lawler: Flair's saying he respects Austin too many times. Flair makes Bradshaw and Austin vs. Hall and X-Pac. Just like last week. Which Austin brings up. Special referee tonight: Ric Flair. Don't do what I think you're going to do. Please do not do what I think you're going to do.

 

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Official (hopefully wrong) prediction: Flair joins the nWo. Just to piss me off. Anyway, this has to be the most boring damn interview these two have ever done. Austin had to prompt the "what"s at the end because the crowd had lost interest. Probably because they know how it's ending up. That and it's the same thing we saw last week. I like a slow burn. But there has to be some change from the previous week.

 

Segment 3

 

Booker T is backstage and is met by Goldust. Booker is against RVD (good). Goldust gets Spike Dudley, presumably for the European Title, but he's pissed. So Goldust gives Booker his wig to wear to the ring. Booker looks into the mirror: "TELL ME I don't look like that." Goldust says Booker looks like the illegitimate child of Denzel and L'il Kim, so Booker tells him if Spiderman got busy, Goldust would be the illegitimate lesbian. O...K...

 

One Fall: Rob...Van...Dam vs. Booker T

 

Lockup, Booker pushes RVD to the corner and kicks away. Chop. Whip, RVD ducks a clothesline, flips over Booker's back, spinning heel kick. Rana countered by a Booker power bomb. Out to the floor, Booker in complete

control. Back in, leg lariat for 2. Reverse chinlock. Crowd trying to get into it. RVD with an Asai bodyblock for 2. Rolling thunder for 2. Goldust out to ringside. RVD goes for a monkey flip. Booker covers, feet on the ropes for leverage, but RVD kicks out. Goldust tries to punch RVD but misses and hits Booker. A spinning heel kick leads to the Five Star for the pin in 3:16. Again, way too slow a pace. Replay shows Goldust wasn't actually going for RVD at all. Or if he was, somebody missed something somewhere.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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So the Booker-Goldust team isn't staying together long. Not like it matters with the Tag Team Title on SmackDown. But the interference took away from what should have been a great match. The match though, to quote Jim Cornette, sucked a dick, and that's coming from someone who likes both guys. A resthold in a sub-five minute match? Ugh. When the crowd is dead for an RVD match, you're in for a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnng night.

 

Segment 4

 

Terri is with Bradshaw. I wonder if Terri's jealous that Dustin has better hair. Bradshaw said The Big Show is the one who jumped him. "Fair fight" is an oxymoron, like "honest politician" or "celibate priest". Bradshaw threatens to jump Big Show once he's back in the States.

 

Jazz is doing pushups, and Molly Holly questions her decision to challenge Bubba Ray Dudley for the Hardcore Title. Jazz says nothing, but glares at Molly.

 

Coach interviews Shawn Stasiak, and we see the entire Regal-Stasiak match

from last week. Since it never started and all...but tonight, it's Stasiak

vs. Brock Lesnar. Stasiak cuts a decent promo if you get rid of the Planet

Stasiak bullshit. That match is NEXT!

 

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Brock vs. Stasiak could be a fun waste of 10 seconds. But Jazz vs. Bubba? Shoot me now. And isn't the world just waiting for the Bradshaw-Big Show showdown? Maybe in Bizarro World. Or Pittsburgh.

 

Segment 5

 

One fall: Brock Goldberg (w/Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman) vs. Where's the Meat?

 

That is a kickass tattoo on Lesnar's back. Stasiak double-leg takedowns Lesnar before the bell. Lesnar with a waistlock takedown...KILLER spinebuster, and he simply overpowers Stasiak. "Paul E." chant goes out as Lesnar starts busting out the suplexes. There's the fireman's carry into the flapjack, followed by the spinning power bomb, and Jack Doan stops the match at 1:49. Match was a squash, and rightfully so.

 

Backstage, Flair is on a cell phone, but Debra knocks on the door. Flair needs a favor...get your mind out of the gutter. Flair wants Debra to help Austin believe him. But Austin gave Debra a message to give to Flair...a slap followed by "DTA...Don't Trust Anybody." That tag match is NEXT!

 

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Holy shit, did Lesnar look good. Those suplexes looked fantastic, and he remains one of the bright spots of the Raw brand. As far as the Flair-Debra bit goes, when is the WWF going to realize that even casual fans hate Debra. Hell, I was rooting for Austin when he was the heel ordering Debra around. What the segment needed was Flair starting it with "I remember when you were Steve McMichael's whore." Something to justify it.

 

Segment 6

 

The Undertaker walks into Sgt. Slaughter backstage. He wants Slaughter to let Hogan know that he'll be called out to the ring. Nobody's left me a message yet. Can I play? Undertaker: "You're dismissed Slaughter."

 

One fall: The nWold vs. Bradshaw and Cold Stones (your special referee is Ric Flair)

 

Flair, being a true pro, sells the slap all the way to the ring. JR, in hyping the Hardcore Title match later on, mistakes Booker T for Bubba Ray Dudley. I don't know about you, but I make that mistake all the time. Bradshaw and X-Punk to start. Bradshaw pounds away at X-Pac, then levels

Razor Hall for good measure. X-Pac ducks a clothesline and catches him with a leg lariat. Hall is tagged in, but Bradshaw quickly with a series of chops and an elbow for 2. Tag to Austin. Austin works on the arm (!).

"What" kicks in the corner for the first crowd reaction of the contest. Tag to Bradshaw, and I'm betting on the face in peril sequence coming. Suplex by Bradshaw for 2. Whip to the corner, clothesline. Swinging neckbreaker for 2. Tag to Austin. Whip, but Austin ducks and gets caught with a kneelift. X-Pac tagged in, but Austin regains control. Whip in the corner, and the force knocked X-Pac down. Choke against the ropes, knee to the midsection, tag to Bradshaw. Bradshaw for a superplex, but X-Pac shoves him

off and goes for a flying bodypress. Bradshaw catches him, fallaway slam. Austin comes in and distracts Flair, and X-Pac goes down to Bradshaw's knees. X-Pac goes to work on the knees. X-Pac for another spinwheel kick, but Bradshaw catches him and power bombs him. Hot tag, Austin working on

both opponents. Lou Thesz press to Hall. Spinning leg lariat by X-Pac. Off the ropes, spinebuster by Austin. Stunner attempted but blocked, X-Pac whips him into the ropes, Austin with a double clothesline. All four in. Austin with the Stunner when Flair gets Bradshaw out of the ring. The cover, Hall puts X-Pac's foot on the ropes, but Flair doesn't see it and counts the three in 7:32. *yawn*

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Just when I don't think this show can get any worse, they find a way to do it. And we're looking at two Hogan segments still. Shoot me now. By the way, JR, if Austin is going to use his move, you could at least acknowledge the death of Lou Thesz. That's like Bruno Sammartino dying and being ignored.

 

Segment 7

 

Two replays of the finish, and it seems Flair would have seen the foot on the ropes when he looked at the Titantron. Then the NWO argues Flair with the call and tells him it would be the like the old days if he wasn't the owner. Flair: "Be careful what you wish for. You might just get it." Is a return of the Four Horsemen in the works? Tune into Thunder...oh.

 

Out comes The Undertaker to waste more TV time. "The more things change, the more they stay the same." That could hold true for the evolution of this show, but he's referring to Hogan first's WWF run. Kids sitting on their fathers' shoulders to get a glimpse of Hogan. But when Taker came out, they'd hide behind daddy's legs in fear...just like Hogan. Taker takes credit for Hogan leaving the WWF the first time and predicts victory for Jericho at SmackDown. We can only hope. Taker claims Hogan will leave a broken man. I guess he's losing a kidney to go with the broken rib. Taker said he let Hogan win at Backlash because that's the match he wanted. Some of the crowd is chanting "boring". For good reason. But out comes Hulk Hogan to make my day even worse, and we have our staredown. JR: "There's a lot of history between these two." Yep. Two matches and Suburban Commando. Taker: "I'm gonna beat you down like the bitch you are." Hogan with a cheap shot, and Taker backs off. Hmm...

 

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Best Hogan interview ever. He didn't say a damn word. But I'm not sure I like where they've been taking The Undertaker the last two weeks. Triple H beats the shit out of him last week. This week he walks away from a 48 year-old has-been. But they could be playing it off as Undertaker giving Hogan a false sense of security. If that's the case, it has possibilites.

 

Segment 8

 

We hype Lita's appearance on Dark Angel this Friday. I mention it for one reason only. If Lita broke her neck on the set, it was that blown Litarana they showed us. Go figure.

 

One fall for the WWF Hardcore Championship: Jazz vs. Bubba Ray Dudley

 

Earlier tonight, Coach interviewed Bubba Ray, who said Jazz is going to taste some of Bubba's wood. I'm not sure I want to see this segment now. I didn't want to see it before that, come to think of it. 24/7 is in effect.

Bubba places Jazz on the turnbuckle and blows her a kiss. That's the most action she's had since Milly Holly's prom night. *rim shot* Bubba dances with her, knocks her down, and dances some more. Jazz asks for a test of strength, which turns into Soul Train with Bubba before Jazz gets fed up and low blows him. Jazz grabs a garbage can lid and levels Bubba with it. Two legdrops, and a cover for 2. Bubba bites Jazz's ass. Brave man. Side slam, and he grabs the trash can. He places it over her head, a series of

jabs, and a Bionic Elbow. Bubba tells himself to get the tables. Of course it takes about three minutes to set it up, which allows Stevie Richards to run in with a guitar. Bubba stops him briefly, but Jazz hits him with a

pizza server to allow Stevie to cover Bubba to win the title at 4:01 (!). And before we can have the 18 hardcore title changes spot for the evening, Jazz and Stevie run into the back TOGETHER!

 

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Well, I gotta admit I didn't see that coming. Anyway, the match was done mostly for comic relief, and I have to give them credit, they're getting Bubba over as a singles wrestler. Now let's see if the D-Von experiment can be as successful.

 

Segment 9

 

Stevie and Jazz run like hell and make their getaway like a modern day Bonnie and Clyde.

 

William Regal is watching clips of Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling in disgust and badmouths Hogan and his fans. "Why would you cheer a man who walks around like a two-bit tart in these feather boas?" He wishes it was just American fans who rooted for him, but the entire world seems to like someone who can't finish a sentence without using the word "brother".

 

Austin and Bradshaw are in locker room drinking, and Flair comes in to see if things are right. Austin doesn't think Flair proved anything, so Flair signs the NWO against Austin, Bradshaw, and Flair in a six man tag. So we're waiting a week for the nonsense Flair turn.

 

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Nice promo by Regal, although I'm most likely the only one who cares. And while I doubt very highly anybody cares about the six man next week, at least they're making some sort of attempt at episodic television. I don't care of Flair turns heel or not, but if he joins the NWO, I'd better be given a formal apology in writing and free PPV for a year for having my intelligence insulted, because NOBODY who followed the NWO in WCW is going to buy it. Nobody.

 

Segment 10

 

For the WWF European Championship: Goldust vs. Spike Dudley

 

How the hell did this get to be second from the top? Dusty must be rolling over in his grave. Sorry, I meant his "gravy". Earlier tonight, Booker wore Goldust's wig and looked like the illegitimate child of Ike Turner and Britney Spears. Goldust throws his wig at Spike, who wears it. I'm the only one who hasn't worn it yet, and I don't plan on doing so anytime soon. They actually blow a faceslam of all things. Goldust sets up for Shattered Dreams, but wastes a lot of time, then stops short anyway. In comes Booker, Harlem side kick, and the Dudley Dawg finishes it in 1:40. Goldust asks "Why Booker T, why?" Why not, I say.

 

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Well, that was obviously rushed for time constraints (we're already at 10:57 Eastern), and as such becomes a total waste of time. It's obvious we're getting a Booker-Goldust match at Judgment Day, which is quickly turning into a must miss show.

 

Segment 11

 

One fall Non-Title Match: William Regal vs. Hollywood Hulk Hogan

 

Somehow I don't see this one saving the entire show. Hogan gets the loudest pop of the night, and you could still hear a pin drop. Regal with the stick, and he wants to act like gentlemen and have a spot of tea. His mum sent it over from England. Please tell me there's cyanide in it. But Hogan should know the proper etiquette for drinking tea. He was Mr. Nanny, after all. Of course, Hogan with the cheap shot as he spills the tea onto Regal. You try to bring in a little class and sophistication into an otherwise

barbaric sport, and look what happens. Hogan finally throws Regal into the ring, and in comes The Undertaker from behind. Regal takes off as Taker does a number on Hogan. Whip into the corner, clothesline, series of stomps. He takes off Hogan's weightlifting belt, wraps the buckle on his fist, and levels Hogan with it as Hogan blades on camera. And JR seems surpised Hogan's bleeding. And of course, he's bleeding on the right side of his head when Taker's hitting him on the left side of his face. And now he whips Hogan with the belt. This is turning into the best segment ever! Taker digs the buckle into the cut. Choke slam! And Taker is down to badmouth Hogan. Hogan is set to defend the title against Chris Jericho at SmackDown!, but JR speculates he might have to forfeit it.

 

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END OF SHOW

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I take it back. THAT was the best Hogan segment ever. Hogan gets to take a solid beating, gets in no offense whatever, and was bleeding like hell when they went off the air. It didn't save the show, but I enjoyed it. We played nicely off of that earlier interview, as Taker backed off to exact his revenge in a big way. Nice piece of work. By the way, the scheduled match never started, so a no contest. But I want to know why I'm supposed to cheer for Hogan when it's HOGAN who gets in the first cheap shot.

 

Biggest blunder of the night: Only mentioning the great Lou Thesz because Austin used the Thesz press. If I hadn't already heard of his death I'd assume he's still alive. If you're going to drop his name every week, you should at least give the man his mug shot on the screen at the beginning of the show. Vince McMahon can go to hell if that's the respect the legends are going to get.

 

Unanswered question of the week: Whom was Ric Flair talking to on his cell phone?

 

Until next week, remember. Hulkamania is the most powerful force in the universe because the people of Florida voted on it.

 

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