SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (5/9/2002)

[Guest TSMAdmin]

SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (5/9/2002)

by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

 

"And the bad news is...you're gone." -Diamond Rio

 

Before I get into the actual recap, what the hell was up with that flight back from England? Scott Hall and Curt Hennig...gone. Dustin Runnels and Bradshaw...possibly gone in short order (if they're not already). Maybe the XWF or Jerry Jarrett's NWA will have some name guys after all. But let's be honest, Bradshaw and Runnels should be gone. Runnels never should have been rehired, for one thing, but he's still there because he's needed to blow off the Booker T storyline. Bradshaw, who has a reputation for this sort of thing as it is, should be gone for the haircut incident, but he's still there because...um...because his lariat looks cool as hell, I guess. And he's a hoss, bah gawd! Anyway, Hall's drinking and shoddy work rate caught up with him (and he was the best of the nWo, so bye-bye, New World Order), Hennig either got into a fight with Brock Lesnar or helped in cutting Michael Hayes' hair depending on who's telling the story tonight, Goldust and Bradshaw were involved in cutting Michael Hayes' hair, and yet nobody beat the shit out of JR for yelling "LANDING GEAR! LANDING GEAR! LANDING GEAR!" Hmmm....

 

Anyway, I debated whether to use the "This Week in Wrestling History" segment that I used for Raw in my SmackDown recaps too, but I figured I need to do something to keep the shows separate. So with that in mind, JHawk, in association with thesmartmarks.com (thumbs up cheap pop), presents...

 

Wrestling's Stupidest Quotes: "This is a result that will live on forever in wrestling history." -Tony Schiavone after Dusty Rhodes' NWA World Title victory over Ric Flair at Starrcade 85. That decision was reversed two days later and is largely forgotten. Not quite "That will put butts in the seats" but still funny in retrospect.

 

Segment 1

 

We

Want our

F back!

 

Sorry. We are taped (5/7/2002), from the Arena at Harboryard in Bridgeport, Connecticut. It's the WWE's first SmackDown!

 

And we kick it off with My Future Wife, legs and all, and if I get into what I think about when Stacy dances like that I'll lose my recapping job. Well, maybe not, but I don't think you really want to know. Anyway, she's got the stick...MICROPHONE, MICROPHONE...and she ruins my evening my introducing Mr. McMahon...stop hitting on my woman Vince! McMahon says "Thank you" and draws an "asshole" chant. Vince asks Stacy to get another microphone, gets a quick look at her ass, and Vince goes, "Never mind." She's a model employee and does whatever she's told. Unlike some others, including Bradshaw, Scott Hall, Goldust...oh, he's referring to Triple H. Damn. McMahon said that Hunter might not have physically interfered, but the distraction counts because it cost Jericho the WWE Title. There's never been a WWF. Never. Do you hear me? Never! Vince won't allow Hunter any closer than ten feet to him, and he'll do as told with a smile. Because he OWNS Hunter. What goes on in that WWE shower? And out comes Hungry Hungry Hippos, and to paraphrase a thesmartmarks.com reader, "That must be a deafening pop because I don't hear shit." Spit the water for the only pop he'll get tonight. A Triple H chant starts, and it's not canned! I'm impressed. Hunter moves up to 9 feet...8...7...6...and now he's in slapping distance and daring Vince to destroy him. "Are you going to destroy me, or is everything coming out of your mouth complete bull[bEEP]?" He's lying, just like he lied about being able to please a 20 year old woman. And now Hunter's coming on to Stacy. Don't make me come out there, Hunter. Does she want someone like Hunter? "Or does she want a wrinkled old bastard with a bad toupee?" Hunter alleges impotency and...um...the need for an implant. After claiming Stacy's waiting for Vince to die so she can collect the cash, Hunter threatens to "speed up the process", stealing yet another line from my e-fed. Vince sends Stacy away, and you know he's pissed because off comes the jacket. But he quickly leaves the ring, and out come Test, Hardcore Holly, Christian, Lance Storm, and Brother D-Von for the mass beatdown. Hunter is able to hold off five guys. Crowd is chanting for Hogan as Hunter finally starts getting his. And here comes Chris Jericho to a strut and a smirk. Sign in crowd: "Hulk Still Sucks". Amen, brother! Jericho sits in a chair and slaps Hunter, and Hunter charges but is tackled by the other five guys. There's the chair shot. Hunter even juices for effect. Walls of Jericho applied, and Vince holds the microphone to Triple H so we can hear the screaming. Triple H is tapping as Vince announces Trips vs. Jericho in a Hell in a Cell match at Judgment Day. Jericho keeps the Walls of Jericho on as Vince gloats down the aisle with Stacy on his arm.

 

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Eh, mixed feelings with this one. Anytime Jericho has the upper hand in this feud, it's a good thing, but the segment just seemed flat. Hunter gets no reaction when he comes out, gets a chant when he gets in the ring, uses cheap sexual innuendo to draw any reaction after that, then is made to look like Jesus H. Hogan or something by having five guys barely get him down for any length of time. Well, the match at Judgment Day shouldn't suck, but that's about the best thing I can say about that.

 

Segment 2

 

One fall for the WWE Cruiserweight Title: Tajiri (w/Geisha Torrie) vs. The Hurricane

 

Useless fact: Tajiri is the first ever to hold the WCW, WWF, and WWE Cruiserweight Titles. Michael Cole and Tazz make fun of being forced to rename the Federation. About damn time. Tajiri with the kicks to start. Hurricane clotheslines Tajiri down. In the corner, 10 punch count along (stops at 7 with no one counting), and Tajiri back in control. Tree of Woe, stomp, stomp, baseball slide damn close to the testicular region. Crowd is dead outside of the "Torrie" chant three drunk men are doing. Hurricane gains control with a spinning DDT, and a flying neckbreaker for 2. Choke slam blocked, handspring elbow by Tajiri. Tajiri charges but is hiptossed over the top rope. Torrie to help, but Tajiri pushes her away before getting caught with a slingshot somersault plancha. Tajiri again gains control with a kick (see the pattern) and sets up the big kick, but Torrie hops onto the broadcast table, lets her hair down and HOLY SHIT is that a nice outfit. Tajiri leaves the ring to admire the view (and to yell at Torrie in Japanese) and gets counted out at 3:30. Hurricane with a post match choke slam for good measure.

 

Backstage, Vince, Stacy, and Jericho are talking, and Jericho claims he's going to end Hunter's career. Vince signs Hunter vs. D-Von for later tonight, and if he refuses the match, he'll be fired. Good, he and Scott Hall can go drinking together. Testify!

 

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Yep, they're pushing the cruisers alright. Granted, Torrie's little lime green bra, panties, and suspenders look was damn damn damn fine, but she should not be the focal point of the division's top storyline. Ever. That being said, the match had some good action, and if we add about five minutes or so to that things will be much much better. For the record, two segments in, two segments with Vince. It does mean more Stacy though, so call it a wash.

 

Segment 3

 

Backstage, Al Snow ::WHOOSHES:: in to Hurricongratulates The Hurricane and put over Spiderman, which allows the Hurricane to give full play-by-play of the potential Hurricane-Spiderman showdown. Al gets a Hurricane T-shirt, but points to a Hurrinote. The Hurrinote...god, this is getting old...the note says "I know who were the summer before last in Atlanta" or something, and Hurricane ::WHOOSHES:: out of the picture. Al: "And they thought it was weird when I talked to the head."

 

One fall: Test vs. Mark Henry

 

As long as this is the blowoff and they don't waste PPV time with it, then I'll live with it. The match starts with Henry out powering Test. Well, if Test was out powering Henry, that would ruin the gimmick. Test gaining the advantage and hits a series of corner clotheslines. Test covers, Henry powers out with ease. Because he's "The World's Strongest Man". It's clever. ::rolls eyes:: Test to the top rope, cross body...Henry catches him (!) and powerslams him for 2. Test goes for the Big Boot, Henry ducks, Gorilla press slam! Splash, and Test reaches the ropes at 2. Henry places Test up top, and he goes up after him. Test shoves him off, flying elbowdrop, and Henry kicks out. Test channels the spirit of Christian. Henry with a full nelson, Test low blows his way out of it, and the Big Boot wins it at 3:43.

 

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I'd say Test is the second coming of Hogan, but Hogan at least uses something after the Big Boot to gain the pin. That match is not worth talking about any further. Here's the downside to the Hurricane storyline. We already know who he is. He's Gregory "Sugar Shane" Helms. My guess is this will set up Jaime Knoble's TV debut and we'll get a potentially great series of matches out of it that are too short to mean anything because they take a back seat to Vince McMahon's penis. Because if any of the WWE superstars needs a push, it's Vince's penis.

 

Segment 4

 

Backstage, Christian brags to Kurt Angle about beating up Triple H, then praises Kurt for asking for the hair vs. hair match. Kurt: "Think about it. Out of the two of you, now he's going to be the ugly one." Christian throws a tantrum because he doesn't want to wait to see it.

 

Marc Loyd interviews Billy and Chuck, and we get clips of two weeks ago when we saw way too much of the World Tag Team Champions, then last week when Rico had a fat ass in his face. Pat Patterson was reportedly very jealous. Billy is pissed at the footage and is screaming at Loyd. Rico is coming out...as an in-ring competitor to face Al Snow, Maven, and Rikishi in a six man tag.

 

D-Von chains the collection box around...somebody's neck. All we see of the guy is a huge tattoo.

 

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I'm looking forward to seeing Rico in an actual match. I'm looking forward to seeing this bodyguard of D-Von's. I am not looking forward to seeing Kurt Angle bald, but since he's already losing his hair he almost has to lose that match at Judgment Day. I hate non-wrestling segments though, especially when they keep everything backstage.

 

Segment 5

 

It should be noted that I am officially bored with recapping this show at this point.

 

One fall: Brother D-Von (w/bodyguard) vs. Hungry Hungry Hippos

 

I can't remember who this bodyguard is (I know he's a developmental guy), but he looks like a younger Bull Buchanan. Reverend D-Von gives us a brief sermon to put the gimmick over and to name his bodyguard, Deacon Bautista. Hunter has right hand taped and forehead bandaged, and he quickly hits the ring and goes to work on D-Von. Spinebuster gets 2. D-Von finally gets the advantage by using a Hotshot into the top turnbuckle. Hunter has lost the bandage and the blood is flowing, and D-Von targets it. This is that psychology thing everybody talks about. D-Von sends Hunter outside the ring, and Deacon Bautista beats the hell out of him. He rolls him in and D-Von covers for 2. High elbowdrop by D-Von, followed by a flying clothesline from the second turnbuckle for 2. Choke against the ropes. Snap mare, kneedrop, and D-Von up top. This can't be good. Flying headbutt misses. Hunter takes D-Von down with a reverse neckbreaker. Hunter to the floor, grabbing a chair, and Bautista levels Hunter. Bautista charges, Hunter moves. In the ring, Hunter is setting D-Von up for the Pedigree, but Jericho runs in and hits Hunter with the "steel" collection box, and D-Von covers for the upset (to no reaction) at 4:45. I love the dubbed in sound effect.

 

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Is the crowd being dumbed down so they don't have to push these guys, or are we just being bored to death tonight? Tune into Excess to find out. Uh...no. Nice to see they’re apparently serious about pushing D-Von, making Jericho seem remotely like a threat before Judgment Day, and that developmental guys have a shot, but they're booking themselves into a corner where HHH has to go over at Judgment Day and I'm not sure even the casual fans want to see that.

 

Segment 6

 

Kurt Angle (wearing the "real" shirt that you can't order at WWEShopzone.com) comes out for a promo. He's facing Edge in a hair vs. hair match that some people were bitching about before it was ever signed. Angle explains the rules for the simple-minded who don't know what "hair vs. hair" means. We see Edge now, and what he'll look like if he loses to Angle. "Mr. Clean lives, and ladies, he's single." Another comparison, but oblivious to Angle, he's the one being compared. Angle is pissed and asks for the Edge pics to be put up, but is met with the words "You suck" on the WWE-tron. Edge calls out Angle...and "Voodoo Child" plays? Christ, Hogan's going to bury the midcard too! It's not bad enough he's buried the main event already. No motorcycle, for the record. There's a staredown for that Angle-Hogan match that will draw a WWA-like buyrate. Hogan claims bald people have represented some of the best champions in history: "Superstar" Billy Graham, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, and the Balding One himself. No, not Angle, Hogan. Hogan says if Edge doesn't get the job done on Angle, Mother Nature will. Angle responds by saying if Undertaker doesn't get his belt, Angle will. Oh yeah, and he's the only Real American in the WWE too. And Hogan takes offense to Angle telling the truth and cheap shots Angle. Angle wisely takes off. Cue Hogan's music because cheaters and cheap shot artists rule! And Edge spears Angle on the stage.

 

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Can we please, for the love of God, end the nostalgia run now? I like nostalgia as much as the next guy (my tape collection shows that), but Hogan has ruined every segment he's touched since WrestleMania ended. He has nothing to do with Angle vs. Edge, it's an excuse to get air time. Edge spearing Angle makes sense...if the segment is actually about that match, but with Hogan out there, they should have given Edge the segment off and moved along to the wrestling. World Wrestling "Entertainment"? They're not fooling me.

 

Segment 7

 

Backstage, Angle is pissed about the previous segment, and he can't make up his mind whether its Hogan or Edge he wants, so Vince gives him both--and Chris Jericho as his tag team partner. Stacy agrees...and I think the guys did too, but I was paying no attention.

 

One fall: Billy, Chuck, and Rico vs. Al Snow, Maven, and Rikishi

 

Al's the only one with a last name, and you know Maven's appearance is good for a cheap Tough Enough III audition plug. Rico looks like Little Beaver next to the champs. Chuck and Al start, and both men with right hands. Chuck goes for a belly-to-belly, but Al with the headbutts. Rikishi in, punches by Chuck, but Rikishi with punches of his own. Billy and Rico run in and get some punches of their own, but Chuck with a thumb to the eye and a tag of Rico. Sunset flip attempted, Rikishi blocks, and Billy with an illegal bulldog to prevent the sitdown. Billy and Maven in now. Rico kicks Maven in the head and Billy tags Chuck. Crowd chants for Maven...yes, his pop's as big as everybody else except Hogan's. Rico in with some kicks, including a springboard side kick. Tag to Chuck, Maven pushes Chuck off the attempted powerslam and DDTs him down. Tag to Billy, hot tag to Snow, and he's a house of fire. Al knocks the illegal men off the apron. Chuck superkicks Al out of the ring, Rikishi Samoan drops Chuck and follows up with his own superkick. Maven and Rico in, Maven with right hands. Rikishi charges with a BUTT first avalanche, down goes Rico, but Chuck stops the Stink Face. Rico with a spinning leg lariat to Snow, Billy follows it up with a Fameasser for the pin at 5:30.

 

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You think it's hard to follow a six man tag watching it? Try recapping it one time. You're typing one move to do your play-by-play, and then two people who weren't in the ring are doing their finishing sequences. That being said, when Maven is your most over guy out of six you've got bigger problems. I like Maven, I think he has potential, but change some things up here. Like having real tag teams to go for the titles.

 

Segment 8

 

Marc Loyd interviews Randy Orton, and we recap Orton's two victories over Hardcore Holly. Lance Storm interrupts, and he's tired of hearing about Randy's potential when he's stuck placing bets on Mark Henry. So he challenges Randy Orton. Yes, Lance Storm was the most charismatic person in the promo, thank you very much.

 

Your hosts are Tazz and Michael Coleslaw, and they're reliving the motorcycle incident from Monday night...and some careful editing shows you what the segment was supposed to look like.

 

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Randy Orton has potential, but this is the Maven syndrome of too much too fast. We'll see how this match with Storm goes, and he's bound to learn something from it, but he's not ready for promo work at all yet. They've cut people from Tough Enough who can do a better promo. Storm is an underrated promo guy and easily saved the segment. He even remembered to get the "F" out!

 

Segment 9

 

One fall: Randy Orton vs. Lance Storm

 

Orton gets a pretty nice pop, and it didn't even sound canned. But we don't have a referee...Oh yes we do. It's Hardcore Holly. Cole thinks this is McMahon's doing. Tazz: "You're really on tonight, you know that Cole?" Storm tries to take control, but a flying clothesline gives Orton the advantage. Storm quickly with a heel kick to regain the advantage, and he puts Orton in a crevatte that looks painful as hell. Orton coming back, series of clotheslines. Nice dropkick, cover, slow 2. Powerslam, and a slower count of 2. Orton up against the wall...ooo, that's a Sparky Plugg reference. Storm with the cover and a much faster count of 2. Storm goes for a superplex, but Orton counters, throws Storm off...flying bodypress...and a very slow count of 2. Storm with a jawbreaker counter, enzuigiri, Canadian Maple Leaf. Orton reaches the ropes, but Holly pushes it away from him, and he has no choice but to tap at 3:33. Double team beatdown, but The Big Valboski makes the save. They're apparently building to Venis vs. Storm.

 

Edge enters Hogan's locker room, tries on Hogan's gear, and does an uncanny impression of Hogan into the mirror. Hogan walks in behind him in mid-"promo", and Hogan shows Edge exactly how to do a 1985 promo. Edge marks out at being called brother.

 

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Well, I'm still not convinced Orton's ready, but he got a good reaction and put on what might be the best match of the night so far. He's in there with the right guys to disguise how green he is at this stage in his career. And I'm cool with a Storm-Venis feud, but what happened to that Storm-Hugh Morrus feud they were building on Jakked? I'm serious. There were a couple of good matches there, and I think one good SmackDown match could have given both of them some momentum. As for Edge and Hogan...well, I'd probably mark out if I were Edge too, but since I'm not, why not add that minute to Hurricane-Tajiri? ::shrugs shoulders:: Oh well, maybe next lifetime.

 

Segment 10

 

Segment 10 means the show's nearly over. Thank God.

 

One fall main event tag team match: Kurt Angle/Chris Jericho vs. Edge/Hulk Hogan

 

If Hogan's title is undisputed, what's all the fighting about? (tm George Carlin) Let's make mention of Undertaker's bike since it has to job to Hogan here...oh, wait, that's Jericho. My bad. Hogan and Angle start, and of course Hogan has to get his shitty 1943 offense in to gain the advantage. No, I'm sorry, in 1943 the offense resembled wrestling. Tag to Edge, double elbow. Spinning heel kick. Angle gains control with the overhead belly-to-belly. Jericho tagged in. Turnbuckle smashes, chops, whip into the corner, Edge with a boot to the face. Face-first side slam, Angle in, Edge knocks him out of the ring and Hotshots Jericho. 10 punch (silent) count along, and a punch by Angle ends that. Jericho covers for 2. Stomps by Jericho, and a 1985 heel move as he chokes Edge with the tape. Tag to Angle, double team in the corner. Snap suplex by Angle gets 2. Leglace with a reverse chinlock, and the crowd sort of wants Hogan in but can't be bothered to cheer loudly enough for it to happen. Both men go for crossbodys and collide rib to rib, and Tim White begins the count. Angle tags in Jericho, Jericho grabs Edge's foot, but it's Edge with the enzuigiri and the hot tag. Hogan works on both men until Jericho attacks from behind, but Hogan begins to hulk up. Punches, Big Boot, Big Leg Drop, Angle pulls Tim White out of the ring at 2. All four men in the ring, Edge with the Edgecution on Angle, Jericho with a low blow and the Walls of Jericho on Hogan, and in comes Triple H to level all four wrestlers and the referee with the sledgehammer. Cue his music (no decision 7:04), and out comes Vince McMahon, who dares HHH to hit him with the sledgehammer. Hit him for all the Stacy lovers of the world! Vince threatens to kill Hunter if he uses the sledgehammer on him. He tries, but Vince hops off the apron, and HHH turns around...smack into a Jericho chair shot. Jericho taunts HHH as we...

 

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::sigh:: Actually a decent main event (keeping Hogan to tag team matches is the way to go) until the run-in. Seriously, do we need kryptonite to keep Trips down at this point, because that's the impression I'm getting. On top of that, HHH and Hogan continue to be the faces, and they're acting more like heels than anybody. And do we need evil owner vs. anybody on SmackDown when we already have it on Raw? "New look, same attitude"? More like "New look, same crap"!

 

Blunder of the show: Me for actually watching the damn thing.

 

Until Raw, remember, you have been watching SmackDown...where nobody got fired this week!

 

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