SmackDown! from JHawk's Beak (5/1/2003)

[Guest TSMAdmin]

SmackDown! from JHawk's Beak (5/1/2003)

by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

 

Another tragic day in professional wrestling with the unfortunate death of Miss Elizabeth. *sigh* To quote Charlie Brown, "I hate goodbyes. I need more hellos." Please join me in tolling the bell for the original First Lady of Wrestling.

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

E-Mail of the Week: Kevin R. Hillcoff had this response to my recap of the April 21 Raw, specifically my comment of "And while I understand that we're all frustrated that Raw refuses to do that (create new stars) because Paul Levesque-McMahon holds the Raw Title, SmackDown is at least making the effort."

 

Try to remember that HHH, as much as you may hate him, is at the very least trying desperately to establish some credibility for that title. In the wonderul old days of wrestling, a champion could hold a title for a very long (6 years) time. Hell, Verne Gagne probably held the AWA title for about 20 years in total during his numerous reigns. The point is, with an extended title reign comes the anticipation for a loss by the champion. I for one agree with the decision to keep the belt on HHH, regardless of how many people harp on and complain about Booker T and RVD being over, because he is the top heel on the show. Who better to hold a belt for a long period of time. When the day finally comes that he drops that title to someone that you deem to be a "deserving" candidate, you will mark out...I guarantee it.

 

As much as you and I and everyone else enjoy Booker T and RVD's performances, are they really the "new stars" that RAW should be making the effort to push? Booker is going to be out of the business soon and RVD doesn't need a belt to get over or get people watching the show. The ratings would be no different now than if he had won the title at Unforgiven. No, the WWE needs to physically create new stars for the fans to get behind. I am interested in hearing your opinions on who would potentially be a good star to build from, considering that RAW is the more "sports-entertainment" oriented show of the two. Personally, I think that there are no sure fire rating's boosters right now on either program, so until the next Steve Austin comes along, I'll be content to sit back, relax, and watch (or read your report).

 

BTW, if it wasn't for your recap I would actually be forced to watch RAW every week, so kudos to you for having the guts to brave it every week. I've been a fan for 20 years, and an avid RAW viewer since it's inception. I deserve a break every occasional Monday and I'm glad you're around to fill me in on the latest happenings.

 

My main argument with Hunter still holding the title is that there really isn't anybody left for him to beat that could not only benefit from the win, but would be credible in that spot. Kevin Nash? Lowest drawing WWF Champion ever. Goldberg? Was over enough prior to Backlash, but doesn't need the rub. Who's left? There were only two real deserving candidates--Rob Van Dam and Booker T. Both of them have been beaten basically cleanly, and they won't get behind anybody else enough to give us that huge mark out title change.

 

And remember, this isn't like last night's episode of NWATNA. Sure, Raven probably should have gone over based on the build up. But Jarrett didn't make Raven look weak out there, and it's not as if there isn't somebody else in TNA who could be put into that spot and still be a credible challenger.

 

But Kevin, don't get used to me being the one to fill in the gaps for you, because beginning June 5, I will be replacing Dr. Tom in this spot full-time while Patrick Spoon takes over Raw for me. What will you all do without the HHHater Clock?

 

Forums Quote of the Week: Avoid Soul Survivors like SARS! Don't go near it. -Youth N Asia

 

Cheap Plug: The Elite Eight in the TSM Mat Madness tournament is underway. Vote through Saturday.

 

Tonight: Mr. America will make his debut on Piper's Pit, plus...um...matches and stuff. The post-Backlash fallout for the SmackDown brand begins tonight!

 

Segment 1

 

At Backlash, The Too Damn Big Show swung Rey Misterio Jr. around like a baseball bat.

 

Taped 4/29/2003 from the Verizon Wireless Arena in Manchester, New Hampshire! Michael Coleslaw and Tazz are at ringside! Tonight, an update on Rey Jr.'s condition! Sable and Torrie Wilson vs. Nidia and Dawn Marie! And Piper's Pit with Mr. America? THAT's the only match you hype at the top of the show?

 

Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Los Guerreros (w/Team Angle's title belts) vs. Matt Hardy v. 1.0 (Cruiserweight Champion) and Shannon Moore (w/Crash)

 

This week's Matt Facts: "Have you read Matt's new book?" and "Matt Hardy invented Mattitude". They are officially out of ideas. The Guerreros double team Moore right off the bat, targetting the left knee. There's that double leg takedown thing that America's Most Wanted can never hit. Eddy works over the leg with a toehold. Crash hits Eddy with Matt's book, which enables Shannon to get a leg lariat and tag out to Matt. Matt uses the ropes for an advantage, then hits the Squisher (tm Kevin Nash) for 2. Full nelson! Eddy fights out and gets in a waistlock suplex. Tag to Chavo, but Mike Chioda doesn't allow it. Chavo says "Screw it" and keeps going, and all hell breaks loose. Chavo takes Crash out with a pescado, which leaves Eddy with both opponents. Springboard rana to Matt for 2. Vertical suplex as the "Eddy" chant starts, and in comes Shannon. Samoan drop/neckbreaker combo, and Eddy barely kicks out at 2. Eddy counters a Twist of Fate and sends him into Chavo, who levels Matt with the title belt. Frog Splash, pin at 4:42. Energetic, but a bit too far over the place. *1/2 Postmatch, Crash and Shannon try to attack the Guerreros but get dumped over the top. Out come Team Angle to try to get their belts back, but Eddy and Chavo use the belts as weapons to fend them off.

 

Check the locker room! Mr. America debuts tonight!

 

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This is what you should expect out of your opening match. Something quick and energetic that gets the crowd fired up for the remainder of the show. I wish I could have seen that one get a few more minutes, but a very exciting way to kick off the show. I'm not a big fan of belt stealing angles, but if it gets us another Team Angle-Los Guerreros PPV match, then go for it!

 

Segment 2

 

Stephanie McBitch runs into Josh Matthews, who's there to try to find out who Mr. America is, but Stephanie doesn't know either, so she's going to meet him right now. But Team Angle interrupts, and they want their belts back before Kurt gets mad at them. Steph says they will return the belts tonight, but the Guerreros aren't the only ones who cheat, so there's a rematch at Judgment Day...with ladder match rules. SWEET!

 

The update on Rey Misterio Jr....they're still awaiting tests. Autopsies don't take that long. There's the footage.

 

Steph leaves the locker room...and she doesn't look happy.

 

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I don't think Mr. America's identity is a big secret if you're reading this right now, but let's just say that if the rumors are true, then Steph didn't make Daddy happy (storyline-wise, anyway). My question: Who would you sign somebody that you've never seen to a contract in the first damned place? That would be like the Yankees signing a pitcher to a major league contract without ever sending a scout to see if the guy can actually pitch and making him your number one starter before spring training.

 

Segment 3

 

Mr. America debuts tonight. With all the hype you'd think it's Triple H.

 

One fall: The Too Damn Big Show vs. SmackDown!'s NUMBAH ONE Announcah!

 

Footage of Rey Rey being loaded into the ambulance is shown. Show's got the stick (bring back Heyman NOW). All he's heard all week is "pick on someone your own size", but there is no one his size. His words, not mine. But at least his opponent is bigger than Rey Misterio Jr. And right on the hard camera, there's a Rey Jr. sign spelled "RAY". They've spelled his name for a fucking year! There's no "A" in "Rey". It's bad enough that WWE spells "Misterio" with a "y", which is technically wrong, but you can't even use their shitty spelling to make your sign. OK, rant over. Token offense at the bell for Funaki, but Show throws him down to the mat and starts slugging away at him. Outside the ring, Show presses Funaki over his head and throws him over the top rope and into the ring. Funaki catches Show when he tries to step over the top rope and crotches him. Missile dropkick. TORNADO DDT! Only 2. Shit. Charge, but the big boot, cover, picks him up at 2. Up for the Choke Slam, puts him down gently...hard clothesline for the pin at 3:13. Obvious DUD here.

 

Backstage, Steph is in her office when some technician, Jason, tells her that her father is on his way to the arena.

 

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Are they telegraphing the identity of Mr. America or what?

 

That match had the feeling of a 1987 Wrestling Challenge squash to it. Time will tell if this will actually get Show over as a heel, but I'm starting to like it if only for its simplicity. Now let the cruiserweights wrestle some other cruiserweights in meaningful matches to help build that division already.

 

Segment 4

 

Big Show meets A-Train, and he approves of what he did to Rey at Backlash.

 

Here comes Vanilla Icena. Kill the beat so he can do his freestyle. He claims Brock tapped out to his headlock. "I beat Brock like the Mets beat the Red Sox." And "the ref was missing calls like Bill Buckner misses ground balls." Out comes Brian Kendrick (w/John Cena outfit) to the ring. He's calling himself "Spanky" now (not sure if it's just a one-tiem thing or not yet), and he came up with a rap of his own. Cena asks Brian Hebner to give Spanky a beat. The point is basically that Cena's been lying about the match at Backlash. "When I say Cena, you says sucks!" He runs his hand over Cena's hair like a record on a turnstile. Clothesline by Cena! The FU (modified Death Valley Driver), end of beatdown! Spanky was getting over before the beatdown.

 

The FBI are taking money from some guy and bragging about what they did to The Undertaker and Nathan Jones. The guy wants an autograph but doesn't have a hundred bucks.

 

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Good fucking segment that could serve to elevate Spanky. The only catch is how exactly Cena can benefit from a feud with Spanky right after nearly beating the Heavyweight Champion. I mean, I like Kendrick, but he hasn't been there long enough to be real high on the totem pole. But the match that will eventually result from that should be killer.

 

Segment 5

 

Piper's Pit with Mr. America TONIGHT!

 

One fall: Chris BeNOIT! vs. Johnny the Bull (w/Chuck Palumbo and Nunzio)

 

Benoit with some chops early on. Out he goes with a shot to Palumbo, and he pulls Stamboli to the floor and slides back in himself. In he goes, and Benoit catches him coming in. Irish whip, reversal, Nunzio with a legtrip. Benoit to the floor, and down goes Palumbo again! Back in, and Stamboli with a corner whip and a clothesline to gain the advantage. Liberal outside interference from Nunzio. Press slam, but Benoit counters into a Crippler Crossface, but Stamboli reaches the ropes. Stamboli regains control and goes into a form of a surfboard. Benoit gets in a backslide for 2. Stamboli back to work on Benoit's back. Benoit with a comeback. Clothesline. Forearm smash. Snap suplex for 2. Release German. Cut throat, down goes Palumbo AGAIN, and up top...Swan Dive Headbutt! In comes Nunzio with a chair, but in comes Rhyno...GORE! The referee stops the onslaught...and turns it into a tag team match.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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If I didn't know better, I'd swear that Paul Heyman never stopped writing these shows, as this is right from the old ECW playbook. Too much interference so far, but hopefully that will change with one less man outside the ring to interfere.

 

Segment 6

 

We're back with Rhyno doing a number on Chuck Palumbo. Vertical suplex for 2. Palumbo with a right hand and a tag to Stamboli. Clothesline by Rhyno! Shots to the back as we see Nunzio still out cold after the Gore. Belly-to-belly suplex for 2. Tag to Benoit...but Hebner didn't see it, which gives Palumbo an opportunity to superkick Rhyno. Stamboli covers for 2. Tag to Palumbo as the FBI begin to work over Rhyno's back. I've been saying that a lot tonight. Back suplex and a cover, and Benoit makes the save. Tag to Stamboli. A couple of elbows, and out of the ring goes Rhyno. Palumbo rams his back into the apron as Nunzio finally wakes up. Back in, and Stamboli covers for 2. Into a bearhug. Rhyno punches out of it, but it gets put back on as hour number 2 officially starts. Rhyno with a hard forearm, but Palumbo gets an illegal shot in from behind. Palumbo tags in. Whip, reversal, Rhyno with a spinebuster. HOT TAG! Benoit is cleaning house! Rolling German suplexes! Palumbo blocks, but Benoit with a double leg takedown for 2...but Rhyno gores Stamboli into Brian Hebner. Nunzio reverses the cover, and there's the pin at 14:01 total. Good match, but that finish was fucked up! **

 

Steph is on her cell phone, and she's begging Vince not to show up. King Brock I arrives, and even though he has the night off, he has something to do tonight.

 

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Actually pretty good once it settled into a tag team match, but I really have to question why they didn't just sign this as a tag team match in the first place. That would have made things a lot easier. We're apparently going to turn either Benoit or Rhyno, and if the one who's turning heel gets a shot at Brock at the end of that feud, I'm all for it, because either of those matches could be great. Well, Benoit-Lesnar could be great, but Rhyno-Lesnar shouldn't be that bad.

 

Segment 7

 

Kurt Angle gets the 1970s NFL Films treatment to hype his imminent return from his neck surgery. "Kurt Angle: A lifelong champion. It's true." I love these things for some reason.

 

Here comes the pain, as WWE Champion Brock Lesnar makes his way to the ring. A fairly good hand for Brock as he gets the stick. He had one hell of a fight with John Cena, so kudos to him. But something else happened that night that disturbs him. He's out here tonight looking for another fight. Big Show...(oh fuck)...Brock wants a fight with him for what he did to Rey Jr. It was gutless. Why did he do it? Because it made him feel bigger? (That's not very likely.) Or did he just realize that Rey has a bigger heart. "Why don't you bring your big, giant, slobbery ass out to this ring..."? Um...what? Here comes The Big Show with his own microphone. Rey got exactly what he deserved, much like Brock's going to. Just like Survivor Series! (What about the Royal Rumble? Or the Youngstown house show in March?) But not until the WWE Title is on the line. Lesnar tells him "Come and get it!" Big Show: "You're on! But not tonight!"

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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I take it we've got our second official match for Judgment Day. And let's be honest. The match has been passable everytime they've done it, but it simply isn't good enough to hold my interest for any length of time. But notice one tiny thing here. What has the focus been of the last three SmackDown PPV main events? Brock Lesnar wanted the WWE Title. John Cena wanted the WWE Title. And now The Big Show wants the WWE Title. People actually WANT the World Title, unlike that other show where nobody seems to want the big belt. See how simple that is?

 

Segment 8

 

Mr. America debuts in about two segments.

 

We're on a two day tape delay at the Verizon Wireless Arena in Manchester, New Hampshire.

 

Tag Team Contest: Team Angle (WWE Tag Team Champions with Kurt Angle picture but without their belts) vs. John Walters and Aaron Stevens

 

What the hell is this doing on SmackDown? Charlie Haas and Stevens start. Stevens gets an Oklahoma roll for an early 2 count. Haas quickly gets a takedown and tags in Shelton Benjamin. The double team splash against the ropes. Football tackle into the corner, and Benjamin allows Stevens to tag in Walters. Tag to Haas as the squash continues. A cheap shot by Benjamin brings Stevens in. Stevens gets dumped over the top rope. Haas with an inverted atomic drop, Benjamin with a leg lariat, and Haas into a cradle for the pin at 2:12. DUD Postmatch, Haas has the stick, and while stealing might be a Guerrero family tradition, Team Angle's tradition is winning. It's time to give them the belts back. Out come Los Guerreros with the belts. Eddy with the stick, and they just came out to say that what they did was wrong. They feel really bad about it. They feel horrible. So they make a promise to them. To never steal anything of theirs ever again. "It's true. It's true." The champs don't trust the Guerreros, but they eventually grab the belts. Huge celebration by the champions! Haas wants the music cut, and he tells the Guerreros to take a good look because they'll never see the belts again. But Chavo tells them something they didn't know...they're Olympic gold medalists! They lifted the medals right off the Angle poster. Well, they said they'd never steal anything of theirs! Those are technically Kurt's.

 

Backstage, Torrie Wilson is stretching, and No Longer Able Sable asks if she's ready. And Torrie doesn't trust her after she lied to my Stacy on Sunday. Sable says they can be great partners. "As long as you're willing to play with me." Because if she doesn't, last week was just a taste of what she can do if she doesn't get what she wants. "You and I...we play for the same team." Christ, this isn't even subtle anymore!

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Another Wrestling Challenge special that served to put the Guerreros' gimmick over more than anything else. Why is it that every year around Judgment Day somebody has to take Kurt Angle's medals?

 

Anyway, we move onto the women's tag team match from hell. This match being made makes absolutely no sense after Sable officially turned against Torrie last week, and it's going to suck ass anyway, so why even bother? It's as if someone said "You know, we should have done this last week and the bikini thing this week" and someone else said "So let's do it this week instead. No one will notice."

 

Segment 9

 

Don't forget Piper's Pit, like you could when we mention it EVERY GODDAMN SEGMENT!

 

Women's Tag Team "Match" scheduled for one fall: Nidia and Dawn Marie (w/Jamie By God Noble) vs. Torrie Wilson and No Longer Able Sable

 

Remember, don't look at Sable from the neck up and you might think she's still a hottie. Dawn and Nidia attack from behind as Sable takes her dear sweet time evening up the odds. A suplex and an elbow from Nidia for 2. Torrie gets a swinging neckbreaker and covers, but Dawn makes the save. Clothesline by Nidia for 2. Torrie with a corner whip, but she can't fend off a double team and Nidia begins working over the legs. Tag to Dawn, who does a slingshot splash onto Torrie's knees. Sitdown splash to the knee. Bodyslam. Up to the second rope, but she misses the splash. Torrie goes for the tag, but Sable refuses to make the attempt. OK, we get the point! Why are we playing this thing for a full minute? Sable FINALLY walks off a la Sid and Hogan, and Torrie is too busy shooting an evil look to actually try to wrestle. Dawn into a half crab, and Torrie taps out at 3:45. What the fuck was that? No rating because I'm in too good a mood to drop the minus sign for even this garbage.

 

Steph is leaving another message for Vince, but Mr. McAsshole arrives at the same time. Vince wants to meet Mr. America, but Steph is trying like hell to prevent the meeting.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Why should I care? Because they were both in Playboy? Because people still think Sable's hot? Because people like to tell me to just shut up and be entertained even by unentertaining garbage that can't possibly get any better unless Dusty Rhodes is booking it and simply forgets to give it a blowoff? Refer to Peter Kostka's latest column for an idea of exactly why something like this is not worth being on a show that's supposed to entertain people. Garbage. I can smell it from here, and I'm over 500 miles away and two days in the future.

 

Segment 10

 

PIPER'S PIT!

 

Sean O'Haire joins Hot Rod for this segment, and let's get down to business. This week on Raw, Chris Jericho said Roddy Piper was fat. "When I lose weight, I'll call you, Chris Jericho, and when you get some talent, you call me!" Piper then congratulates O'Haire on beating Rikishi at Backlash, so down to business. The debut of Mr. America. Cue "Real American", and Piper catches on before he ever gets to the stage...it's Hulk Hogan in a red white and blue mask and feather boas. And the fu manchu mustache. Piper is PISSED, and luckily we're not supposed to be fooled by this one. Cole even claims Mr. America has "Thunderlips". This is bordering on Jimmy Valiant/Charlie Brown levels with the added bonus that we're not even pretending it isn't Hogan. Piper: "This is not the country of Stupidity. You are not Mr. America. You are simply Hulk Hogan!" Hogan speaks, and he even uses "brother"...to refute the claims that he's Hulk Hogan. If Piper ever badmouths America, "I'll kick your ass from sea to shining sea!" When did Piper badmouth America? I missed that one. Here comes Vince, and he is not happy! Vince ordered Hogan to go home for the duration of his contract because he wanted him to rot, and he doesn't want the Hulkamaniacs to ever cheer for Hogan again. But no matter, because he's going back home. But this time he'll have his very own American institution with him...a lawsuit. He's breached his contract. Um...you know what, never mind. I'll give myself a headache. "Mr. America" still claims he isn't Hogan. "Just ask all the Americamaniacs." McMahon says he won't stand for having his intelligence insulted (join the fucking club Vince), but Vince tries reverse psychology. He is Mr. America. And since he's signed a contract, and Vince is the chairman, "Read my lips. You're fired!" But he's going nowhere, because the contract's with Stephanie...and he can't be fired or suspended. Speaking of which, hasn't Test run out of immunity? Why hasn't he been fired yet? Oh yeah. One more thing, Vince: "God bless America!" So Vince is going to prove that Mr. America really is Hulk Hogan...by ripping the mask right off his face. But before they do something stupid, Mr. America asks: "Whatcha gonna do when the 24-inch Patriots run wild over you?" There's a shot for Vince as Hogan leaves the ring. Cue the pyro! Cue the excessive red white and blue confetti! Wave the flag! We're not fooling anybody!

 

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END OF SHOW

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Pretty much the only thing of interest here is how many people are young and/or stupid enough to believe that this isn't Hulk Hogan. Nobody was fooled by Charlie Brown. Nobody was fooled by The Midnight Rider. I'd say nobody was fooled by Mr. Madness except nobody remembers Mr. Madness anyway. Luckily, we're not supposed to think it isn't Hogan, but now that Hogan's back...what now?

 

Overall, this was not the usual SmackDown show that I've come to know and love. A couple of decent matches, but nothing that I remembered beyond a segment or two later without editing the copy at that point. The women's match was pointless, and that angle needs to die a horrible death right now to put us out of our misery.

 

About the only bright side? They had enough of a plan for Judgment Day to actually start building up to two of the matches already.

 

But that doesn't save this show. Avoid a replay of this show if your area gets one.

 

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