Raw from JHawk's Beak (April 14, 2003)

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Raw from JHawk's Beak (4/14/2003)

by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

 

E-Mail of the Week: Last week, I said that Christopher Nowinski's anti-war comments weren't anti-American, and Mike Branca checked in with this:

 

I'll tell you like I told Keith. Much as most of TSM defended the PTC's right to go against McMahon three years ago, we pro-war people have a right to tell the protesters (who have every right to free speech) to, as Jericho would say, shut, the hell UP!!!!!!!!!!!! Much of these protesters need to remember that their current right was protected because someone went and did the same thing we're doing over in the Gulf right now.

 

And since that's the MAJORITY opinion in the states--check Bush's approval rating, thus Nowinski is a heel.

 

The thing is, I never questioned the fact that this made Nowinski a heel (I acknowledged how much heat he was getting for it). The key to me was Lawler's use of the word "anti-American". Now, Mike and I exchanged e-mails for a couple of days, and he said a couple of days later that anti-war comments can be construed as anti-American during a war. That may be true, but why is it that everybody has to completely be on one side or the other? The majority of those people who are against the war are still supporting the troops and are glad they're kicking ass over there.

 

It's like this. Being against the war? Good. Being violent and burning shit because you're against the war? Bad. Being for the war: Good. Telling protestors they're anti-American because they have an opinion that you don't have: Bad. Because the entire purpose of the First Amendment is to allow a dissenting opinion from the majority. I think it was Larry Flynt who said: "The First Amendment protects the speech you disagree with, not the speech you agree with."

 

That's probably the most political commentary you're ever going to get out of me in this column.

 

Forums Quote of the Week: I am not annoyed by a Remake (I have no problems if you stick to the story) nor am I annoyed by J-lo...

 

It's BEN FUCKING AFFLECK! AGAIN!

 

Seriously, Ben take a few notes from your Boyfriend, Matt. Notice he makes as much money as you and still does just one movie a year and the critics universally love him...

 

You don't have to be in EVERY movie in production...Sure, Your 15 minutes of Fame from GWH has gone too long but enough of it!

 

Enjoy tapping that J-Lo ass for the 4 days your married and then get away and do your * Action Bombs and then crawl to Matt and beg for GWH2... -Choken One, after hearing of a rumored Casablanca remake starring Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez (note: GWH stands for Good Will Hunting)

 

Cheap Plugs: As always, it's time to hype the latest round of the TSM Mat Madness tournament. It's starting to seem pretty obvious who three of the final four are going to be, but register for the Forums if you haven't already and see if you can't change the balance of power in this thing.

 

Also, Stacy Keibler's out of the Miss Smartmarks III competition (damn you people voting for your fake breasts), but that's no reason not to vote for the Elite Eight.

 

Tonight: Bob Jerkerson sent me a note saying that the four most used words on pro wrestling websites this week were "Kevin Nash", "cancer", and "shit" following Nash's return last week. Will we see more of that this week? Also, The Rock, Goldberg, Triple H, and maybe even some wrestling matches. Let's find out.

 

Segment 1

 

I didn't notice that the Raw opening X'd out Austin. Hmm...

 

We waste no time as Big Lazy Cool makes his way to the ring at the Richmond (Virginia) Coliseum. Nash is glad to be back, but at the same time, he isn't glad to be back. Both Triple H and Shawn Michaels were there with him during his operation, but then they started killing each other even though they're best friends. So he busted his ass to get back, and then last week he found himself in the middle of it. What happened to nobody beating them if they stuck together. Here comes Hungry Hungry Hippos for the confrontation. The six man tag for Backlash (Nash/HBK/Booker vs. Flair/Jericho/HHH) has been made offical. Hunter and Nash shake hands and hug. Last week they had a misunderstanding. But HHH has to explain something. He's gotta know it'll never be over between HHH and HBK because Hunter can't stand him. He could kiss his ass and it wouldn't make any difference. He'd as soon slap Shawn in the face as shake his hand. And here comes the Holy Bible Kid. The only reason I'm not predicting a teary reunion is the Backlash match. Nash has to keep them apart while HBK tells HHH he's full of it. There's an argument, and Nash didn't come back for this. But he has to make a choice. It's either Hunter or Shawn. One way or the other, but HHH says "at least I'll shoot straight with you." "You'll stand one step behind me." Uh oh. Another shot at the 85% of the fanbase who's sick of Triple H, but at least Hunter's looking him in the eye, but Shawn won't do that. Behind his back, Michaels will be undercutting him and stealing his spotlight. Pot? This is kettle. You're black. (I'm sick of having to use that line.) "HBK" chant as everybody starts repeating themselves. THIS is what I mean about there being too much promo time in comparison to wrestling time. They start repeating themselves, and it's "Get to the point already." Anyway! If Nash joins Shawn, he'll be part of the world HHH resents. And think about one more thing. The most success he ever had...and that Hunter ever had...came when they walked away from Shawn Michaels. I have to agree with that one.

 

Before we get an answer, My Future Wife is in a lcoker room, and she's searching through somebody's bag. She finds Playboy, and Test comes in for an argument.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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HHHater Clock: One segment, 7:36. Not a bad segment until they started repeating themselves near the end, but there's one thing they're not realizing. As far as storylines go, the Nash-HHH friendship wasn't public knowledge among non-internet fans, so the casual fans are questioning what the hell the basis for this one is. Decent storytelling, but I still don't want to see the matches that come from this.

 

Segment 2

 

Your hosts are Coach and The Pharaoh. They wish JR the best after his untimely resignation, then they go over the previous segment.

 

One fall: Test (w/My Future Wife) vs. Y2J+3

 

I guess this is still based over Jericho hitting Stacy with that chair. Stacy won't even bend over with her ass on Test's side of the ring. Jericho attacks before the bell. A series of kicks. Chop. Chop. Test comes back with chops of his own. Big clothesline, and he slams Jericho's head off the mat. Over the top, Jericho skins the cat, but Test takes him down with a Gorilla press. Jericho regains the advantage, and Test is smiling. Jericho has begun to work with the left arm. Stacy autographs a fan's sign at ringside (*cough*PLANT*cough*). Test begins a comeback, but Jericho regains the advantage with a single-arm DDT as a "Stacy" chant starts. Jericho continues to focus on the arm. Test finally gets a sidewalk slam in. Coming back with clotheslines and shoulderblocks with the bad arm. Tilt-a-whirl slam for 2. Full nelson slam for 2. There's the "TWOOOOOOOOOOOO" chant. Test goes for a powerslam, but Jericho counters with a sunset flip (with feet on the ropes) for 2. Stacy moons the crowd. Jericho counters the Pumphandle Slam and goes for the Walls of Jericho, but Test counters that. Corner whip. Clothesline. Pumphandle slam, but Jericho gets a foot on the ropes. Stacy again moons the crowd (and the camera...YES!), and Test is distracted. Bulldog, Asai moonsault, and the crowd counts along with the three count at 6:44. Spotty selling by Test and Stacy takes away from it, but not bad. *1/2 After the match, Test slaps the planted fan around and beats the hell out of him.

 

Easy E has an announcement to make. There has been a lot of support for the return of Stone Cold Steve Austin, so Bischoff plans on doing the right thing for Stone Cold fans.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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This Test/Stacy angle is awfully similar to the basic premise of Marc Mero and Sable, isn't it?

 

And why do I expect Bischoff to say Austin will be on Raw next week and to find out it's actually some old WCW tape?

 

Segment 3

 

Test tries to save face, but he makes the mistake of admitting Torrie's got bigger breasts.

 

Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Ivory and Trish the Cheating Bitch (WWE Women's Champion) vs. Victoria (w/Steven Richards) and Jazz (w/Theodore Long)

 

Why would Long allow his woman to team with a white woman? Remember, Long blamed racism for Jazz's loss to Trish last week. Victoria takes Ivory down and we're underway. Long joins the broadcast team as Victoria gets an early two count. Flying headscissors by Ivory, and Trish tags in. Hard forearms, and she gets a huracanrana for 2. Thesz press with punches. Victoria with a forearm to the back, and Jazz tags in. Double chickenwing. Jazz misses a dive into the corner, and Trish kicks away. Jazz "hits" a dropkick for 2. Trish lifts the knees on a splash, and there's the tag to Ivory. Face plant and a cover, but Victoria makes the save. Trish back in and she forearms Jazz. Victoria from behind, and all four women are in the ring. Trish gets the Stratusphere and goes for a Victory roll, but Jazz dumps her off, locks in a half crab, then turns it into an STF for the tapout at 4:40. 1/2* This just didn't seem to click.

 

A technician tells Goldberg that a relative wants to see him, and it's South Park's Jimmy to welcome Goldberg to WWE. He even presents Goldberg with a blond wig. He looks good with it on. But no offense, but it looks better on Goldust, so he gives it back and tells him "Don't do that again." Goldust says he needs to change his pants.

 

Tonight, a no DQ Tag Team Title shot for Morley and Storm!

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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That match began to die a painful death very quickly. Whenever they do one of these women's tag team matches, there's no real reason for anybody teaming with each other rather than "We need to get more people onto the show." Why would Jazz team with a white woman after last week, especially with Long flat out saying "All white people are biased" while doing commentary? And did enough people watch the first Heat after WrestleMania to buy Ivory as a face?

 

Segment 4

 

Kevin Nash is backstage mulling over his decision.

 

Shattered glass, but don't get your hopes up. The crowd hasn't either since they're SILENT. Out comes Eric Bischoff, and he "got us" again. You didn't get me the first time, Eric, so... Oh well. Austin's gone, but not forgotten, and he has a very special merchandise offer that will allow Austin to be remembered forever. Bisch knows we'll want to remember the man at the top of his game, so you have the opportunity to own your own "alcohol fueled" T-shirt. You'll also get the "bulletproof" shirt. It's the Austin Farewell Package and available at the usual places. And you'll also receive the special WrestleMania XIX program, which will be Austin's last-ever WrestleMania, so get yours now. If there isn't a new Austin DVD that includes his WCW stuff, I'm not interested. But it's only $39.95 (tonight only), and the first person to order will get a bottle of JR's barbecue sauce and "the goofy damn cowboy hat that goes with it". And for some reason, this brings out Booker T. Bisch talks about treating these people to a bonus? Well, Booker T has a damn good deal for Bischoff. He wants Triple H for the World Heavyweight Championship tonight in Richmond (HUGE pop).

 

Kane and Rob..........Van...........Dam are defending the titles NEXT!

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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You know, there's a reason they have a surplus of those shirts. Even if Austin was still at his peak, those just aren't nice-looking shirts. But the key here is the apparent signing of the Booker T-Triple H rematch. If Booker isn't going over this time, does it really matter? Hell, to some people, it doesn't matter because it didn't happen at WrestleMania when everybody and their dog begged for the title change. If there's no title change, I don't want to see it, but remember, Richmond was the site of The 1-2-3 Kid and Marty Jannetty upsetting The Quebecers for the WWF Tag Team Title in 1994, so who knows? Maybe the bookers wrote this one without the use of an alternative substance.

 

...

 

...

 

Nah.

 

Segment 5

 

No Disqualification match for the World Tag Team Championship scheduled for one fall: Rob..........Van.........Dam and Kane (champions) vs. Chief Morley and Lance Storm

 

This Sunday on Heat, Al Snow and Maven vs. Three Minute Warning. The match starts quickly, with the faces clearing the ring. Storm and RVD are in as an "ECW" chant starts. RVD tumbles into a springboard bodyblock for 2. Storm misses a spinning leg lariat and gets caught with one for 2. Kane tagged in, and he clotheslines Storm. Storm makes a comeback, but runs into a big boot. Storm with a flying heel kick and a tag to Morley. Kane sends Storm over the top and focuses on Morley. This is too much in the champions' favor for comfort. Morley comes back, and he goes for a fisherman suplex, but Kane counters it into a gourdbuster. Storm in with a missile dropkick, and now some double teaming. Tag to Storm, double suplex, 2 count. Storm runs into an RVD kick, tag to RVD, Kane powerslam, RVD slingshot legdrop for 2. RVD works over both men, and takes Morley down with a bodyscissors rollup for 2. Boot choke in the corner. Kane gets his shots in as well, and there's no DQ. Legdrop for 2 as the second hour officially begins. RVD goes for a monkey flip, but Morley drops his throat onto the top rope. RVD fights out of the corner and gets the stepover spinning leg lariat for 2. Morley reverses a whip, Storm hits RVD from behind with a garbage can, and Morley levels him with the DDT that won the match last week. Now the brawl begins as Morley uses a garbage can to ram the stairs into Kane. Morley covers RVD for 2 as we go to a...

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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The crowd's not really into it, and it's probably a bit slower than most of you would like, but it's been a pretty solid tag team match so far. Now that the no DQ stip is becoming prevalent, the pace should pick up, so let's see how this one finishes up.

 

Segment 6

 

We're back as RVD tries to work out of a reverse chinlock. RVD prevents a double team move and makes the hot tag to Kane. Kane works over both men his usual offense, then hits each man with corner clotheslines. Boot to Morley, tilt-a-whirl slam to Storm for 2. Flying clothesline, and Morley breaks the pin. Both heels in the corner, shoulderblocks into a monkey flip to Storm by RVD, Kane clotheslines Morley, rolling thunder. Morley to the floor, and Storm is dumped onto Morley. Somersault plancha by RVD. Kane sets up the Choke Slam, but here comes Bubba Ray Dudley. He lays out the champions, and D-Von Dudley begins arguing with him. Morley goes to hit D-Von with a chair, but Bubba stops it. Morley wants the chair from Bubba, he gets it...Van Daminator! Kane choke slams Storm and sets him against the corner. Kane has the chair...YES! Van Terminator! Kane covers for the pin to retain in 15:20. Too slow to start, too clusterfucked at the end, but some good stuff here otherwise. *1/2

 

Backstage, Triple H and The Man WHOO! are questioning Bisch for considering giving Booker his title shot. The Hurricane has three reasons. He won last week, he would if not for Flair at WrestleMania, and if Bischoff doesn't sign it, WUZUPWITDAT? He's here because "I stand for truth and justice, BIATCH!" Hunter wants him to earn it, Hurricane suggests Booker vs. Flair, Hunter suggest himself vs. Hurricane, and Bisch makes Hurricane/Booker vs. HHH/Flair. Hunter agrees with that as Flair reminds him that he's a wheelin' kiss stealin' limousine ridin' jet-flyin'... Hurricane: "Jet-flyin'? Some people don't need jets to fly." WHOOSH!

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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HHHater Clock: Two segments, 10:04. I'm actually looking forward to this tag team match, if only because I want to see if standard booking procedure applies. Doesn't Hunter owe Hurricane a job? Odds are we get someone on Hunter's team jobbing so that Booker gets to the job next week in...whatever city's Raw's at next week.

 

Segment 7

 

Live from Richmond, Virginia, and Elliot Sadler is in the house with a WWE red white and blue T-shirt. Recently, Ron Simmons and Bradshaw went to Walter Reed Medical Center to meet wounded troops and toured the military places in Washington, DC.

 

Back to our hosts, and Rocky wants to be in pictures joins us via satellite. Unfortunately, he can't be in "West Virginia" tonight. But he can't because he had something important to do tonight in Hollywood. Even though this is clearly a set backstage. Rocky isn't there because he needed a new guitar. "Elvis ate pie on this guitar." And he's got another concert for next week in Atlanta. Oh God... Why did Rocky turn down Goldberg's challenge? Because he has nothing to prove. Goldberg has done nothing. The Rock is sick of everyone assuming he's afraid of Goldberg. And if he faced Goldberg, "he'd slap his monkey ass all over the ring." In fact, Rocky accepts the challenge. If there's one thing to say to Goldberg to his face, it would be that you can snarl all you want. "Who's next? The Rock isn't next. You're next." That makes it official.

 

Later tonight, Booker T and The Hurricane vs. Ric Flair and Triple H.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Not a bad interview, but not the usual Rocky goodness we've come to expect. Rocky always has worked better when he could interact with the crowd, and he couldn't do that tonight. Still, the match is made, and the mark in me wants to see that match...but he'll see it at a bar someplace because it doesn't look like it's worth the 35 bucks.

 

Segment 8

 

ChrisTIAN calls The Rock and puts over the interview. He's about to seize the day, as he's going to beat Goldust the way Rocky will beat Goldberg. After kicking some technicians aside, he claims he's not hurt from the spear. "By the way, good call on not going to Richmond. Worst pie you ever saw. Unless you like your pie with facial hair." Ouch.

 

One fall: South Park's Jimmy vs. ChrisTIAN

 

Christian has slightly new music. The same basic thing but "At last you're all alone" is no longer part of it. Goldust with a headlock to start. Shoulderblock. Inverted atomic drop. Clothesline for 2. Over the top rope goes Christian. He returns with a chair, but Goldust catches him coming in. Christian gets in a low blow, and Chad Patten calls for the DQ at :47. What the fuck was that? DUD Christian then takes Goldust down with a chair and grabs the stick. "That's what I call 'owning the room'." He then calls Goldberg out. "So if you're finished playing dress up, take off your wig, and take off your bra and panties while you're at it..." Here comes Goldberg sans music. Christian goes for a chair shot, but Goldberg takes him down with the most vicious spear I've ever seen, and then it's the WWE debut of the Jackhammer.

 

Coming up, a Steiner-Nowinski debate.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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So we have a good young talent in Christian, and he essentially becomes worthless with one nothing match and one Goldberg run-in. Way to create new stars there, Vince. Christian was so much better off with Edge that it's not even funny anymore.

 

And how the hell is Nowinski supposed to legitimately lose a debate with Scott Steiner? I know Steiner's the face and thus will probably win by default, but Nowinski is going to talk circles around Steiner here.

 

Segment 9

 

Next week, the Rock Concert II.

 

Jerry Lawler is hosting the debate. Big Poppa Steroid Pump takes his podium as Christopher Nowinski is already waiting on him. Tonight's topic: Operation Iraqi Freedom. Each participant will be given a chance to speak, and interrupting is an automatic DQ. Nowinski begins. He claims America is using its military superiority to bully other nations. Where next? Syria? North Korea? Or only countries that have oil? This war is unnecessary and ludicrous. And it's his Patriotic duty to express that point of view. Steiner's turn. He's wrestled in a lot of countries, and America is the greatest of them all. We've fought to make this the land of the free and the home of the brave, but "opinions are like assholes. Everybody's got one." Steiner claims terrorism started this one on 9/11, and Iraq financed it. Steiner claims we're going to get even and finish it. And thousands of men and women are making the ultimate sacrifice, so Nowinski, the Dixie Chicks, and "all those other Hollywood numbnuts" who don't support the troops can go to hell. Nowinski tried to warn him that the view is wrong, but the warning he understands takes three minutes. Here comes Three Minute Warning and Rico. Steiner holds his own, but the numbers are soon too much for even Steiner to overcome.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Eh, whatever. Both sides of the story were represented, make your own judgments about it. So does Steiner need to find three partners now, or is this going to be a 4-on-1 feud that lasts way too long? My only question about the debate: When did any of the anti-war people say they didn't support the troops?

 

Segment 10

 

Another promo for Rene Dupree and Sylvan Grenier. Or maybe the same one. Oh, it doesn't really matter.

 

Lawler wants to show why JR has no job, but Bischoff won't let him. If you haven't seen it by now, have you avoided TV for a week?

 

"Remedy" by Cold is the Backlash theme song. And here's the lineup. The Rock vs. Goldberg. Booker T, Kevin Nash, and Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair, Triple H, and Chris Jericho. Trish Stratus vs. Jazz for the Women's Championship.

 

Tag Team Main Event scheduled for one fall: Triple H (World Heavyweight Champion) and The Man WHOO! vs.

 

Chris Jericho is watching backstage, as is Shawn Michaels. As is Kevin Nash. The opponents are headed toward the ring...

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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HHHater Clock: Three segments, 12:08. Any guesses as to which of those three men watching backstage hits the ring first? I'm thinking Jericho, then HBK, then Nash comes in last to make his decision.

 

Segment 11

 

Tag Team Main Event scheduled for one fall: Triple H (World Heavyweight Champion) and The Man WHOO! vs. The Hurricane and Booker T

 

The poor crowd had to hear Hunter's music during the entire commercial break. Booker and Flair start. Booker with an early hiptoss, then he blocks a hiptoss and hits a clothesline. Flair with some chops, and Booker gets some of his own. Flair gets an elbow and heads up top, but he's a heel so it doesn't work. In comes Hunter, and he spinebusters Hunter for a 2 count. Tag to Hurricane. Hurricane counters a side slam with a flying headscissors, then gets a flying clothesline in for 2. Hunter comes back with a nice spinebuster. Into the corner, and the heels use double chops to Hurricane. Quick tags by the heels as they isolate Hurricane. Hunter works Hurricane over in the corner. Hurricane ducks a punch and gets in a Russian legsweep. Flair tagged in, but the tag to Booker T. An exchange of chips. Corner whip by Booker...BAAAAAAAAAAAAACK bodydrop. Leg lariat, then one for an incoming Hunter. Flair attacks from behind, but gets met with a leg lariat, and Hunter has to make the save. Hunter with a facebuster, and Hurricane tags himself in and hits HHH with a missile dropkick. Shining enzuigiri to Flair, and Hunter again makes the save. Hurricane up top, Flair crotches him in the top rope, but Booker hits Flair with a scissor kick. Hunter oulls Booker out of the ring. Hurricane up top...but Flair ducks the blockbuster. Hunter goes to hit Booker with a chair, but Earl Hebner stops it. In the ring, Flair sets up the figure-four, but HBK runs in with the superkick, and Hurricane covers for the pin at 6:45. Jesus Christ, the faces can't get the clean win anymore! * Here comes the postmatch brawl, and out comes Jericho. Hunter Pedigrees the Hurricane. Hunter grabs the sledgehammer, but out comes Kevin Nash. Here's the staredown. A smile, but Nash grabs the sledgehammer. Hunter begs off. And Nash levels Booker T. Booker T shoves Nash, Michaels grabs him from behind...and Booker levels HBK. Was this supposed to get some sort of reaction? Because it didn't. Booker's got his title shot next week.

 

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END OF SHOW

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I know I should probably be happy that Booker's getting the shot next week, but you know damn well he's not leaving Atlanta with that title, even if it was WCW's homebase once upon a time. The fact is that the "Who will Nash side with" storyline is going to overshadow the match no matter what the result, so even if Booker wins the title next week and holds it for six months, nobody's going to remember how he won the title in the first place.

 

HHHater Clock: Four segments, 23:15. Rocky gets one segment despite being ten times more entertaining than Hunter, which might just be to soften the blow when he finally leaves.

 

Overall, an OK at best show. The wrestling was there, but it didn't click, and the promos were OK at best. Just an "eh" show that doesn't make me want to see Backlash or give me any confidence that I was right last week when I said they might be on the right track.

 

Until next week, feedback me