SmackDown! from JHawk's Beak (6/5/2003)

[Guest TSMAdmin]

SmackDown! from JHawk's Beak (6/5/2003)

by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

 

Before we begin, would you please join me in a moment of silence as we toll the bell for "Classy" Freddie Blassie.

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

Thank you.

 

I'm just going to go right into it this week, but check out A Spoonful of Raw if you missed it, as Patrick did one hell of a job on his first full-time edition of Raw. A quick programming note: Due to circumstances beyond my control (which I'll go into in a few days), I had to hold off on ROH Road to the Title, but that should be up no later than Tuesday. Expect a Today in Wrestling History to be up on Saturday provided everything goes to plan.

 

Tonight: I begin a permanent run for SmackDown (on weeks that the Cleveland Cavaliers aren't on free TV, at any rate), and Matt Hardy defends the Cruiserweight Championship against Rey Mysterio in the rematch of their contest at WrestleMania XIX. And speaking of WrestleMania XIX, we haven't seen Kurt Angle since he lost the WWE Title to Brock Lesnar, but he makes his return TONIGHT! And a bunch of other stuff too. Join us, won't you?

 

Segment 1

 

In loving memory of "Classy" Freddie Blassie (1918-2003).

 

Replay of the kickass Kurt Angle video from last week.

 

Taped June 3, 2003 from the Arrowhead Pond in Anaheim, California, home of the NHL Western Conference Champion Mighty Ducks! And here come Hot Rod and Sean O'Haire, so we open with...

 

PIPER'S PIT!!!

 

Tonight is a very special night, so we have a special man back there. A man who has been dreaming about wrestling his whole life. One who's been physically challenged. But give him credit where it's due. He's special. Thirty-three years Piper's wrestled, but he was never called special. O'Haire assumes they're talking about him, but no, it's...well, Piper introduces Zach Gowen, but Mr. McAsshole makes his way out instead. Well, this just dropped the overall quality of this segment. Zach will be out in a minute, but last week Vince said things are changing for the better, and it starts right here with Vince. Because for the record ("asshole" chants), Vince says he was wrong about Zach Gowen and was blinded by his hatred for Mr. America. He's an American success story, and if anyone can appreciate it, it's Vincent Kennedy McMahon. But success is earned, and Gowen will get his chance to earn a WWE contract. Here come Zach Gowen and Mr. America to the ring. Hogan gets Gowen to do the ear cupping thing. Hogan tries to say something, but Vince says that it's about Zach. Oh, and the lie detector was faulty. I figured that out from the first ding, but hey. Anyway, Vince doesn't like the company Zach keeps, but his heroes can't give him what he wants. The only one who can give him what he wants is Vince McMahon. So next week in Orlando, there will be an arm wrestling match for the contract. Because those draw in ratings. Representing WWE: Vince McMahon. Mr. America accepts the challenge, BUT WAIT! Hogan calls Vince an asshole, Vince gets pissed but calms down. Because Zach Gowen will represent himself. "What's the matter, Zach? You do look like you have two arms." There's the cheap shove over top of a kneeling Piper, the heels leave the ring, and Vince tells him he has as much chance as a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. Oh, because Zach's got one leg. That's FUNNY! If you're six.

 

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OK segment I suppose, but is there any doubt in anybody's mind how this one is going to end? I'm just shocked that Mr. America's mask isn't on the line. Oh wait, I don't want to give them any ideas. This could have been cut down in half, but is Vince supposed to be the heel because Zach's representing himself? How would he have "earned" the spot if Mr. America represented him?

 

Segment 2

 

Kurt Angle Classics: The milk truck (August 2001).

 

One fall: The Undertaker vs. Chuck Palumbo (w/Nunzio and Johnny Stamboli)

 

Undertaker's curtain jerking? Wow! The FBI tease kicking Taker's bike. Palumbo with a headlock. Shoulderblock. Taker with a leapfrog (!) into a hiptoss, and a modified armdrag. Into an arm wringer, and he calls for Old School, but Palumbo comes back with forearms. Taker comes off a whip with a flying clothesline. This time he gets up top for Old School and connects. Stamboli to the apron, and down, and that distraction enables Palumbo to get a spinebuster in. Hard punch sends Taker to the floor, and it's an illegal double team behind Mike Chioda's back. Palumbo to the floor to roll Taker back in. Impressive delayed vertical suplex for 2. Taker fighting back, and he avoids a sleeper by taking Palumbo down with a back suplex. Trading punches, but Taker avoids a backdrop by DDTing Palumbo to the mat. Clotheslines in the corner. Big boot, distraction by Nunzio, and Palumbo from behind. Taker catches Palumbo into Snake Eyes, Palumbo tries one of his own, but Taker lands behind him and hits a Choke Slam for the pin at 5:21. *1/4 In come the rest of the FBI, and Nunzio's set up for the Last Ride, but a superkick by Palumbo leades to a three-on-one beatdown. A slap by Nunzio, and he brings in a chair, but Taker stops it with a boot, grabs the chair, and the FBI scatter. Taker sits down waiting for another attack.

 

Cruiserweight Title match tonight! Give them two segments! Rey's family is here!

 

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The match itself was better than I was expecting, but seeing The Undertaker continually fighting through 3-on-1 odds is becoming tiresome. I fail to see how the FBI can be considered a threat when three of them can't beat one guy down. I'm sure casual fans buy it because they've built Taker up to be almost unstoppable for over ten years, but when are the odds going to mean more than a way for the heel to gain a brief advantage that means nothing in the long run?

 

Segment 3

 

SmackDown is in the Arrowhead Pond! But last week, The Big Show pinned Brock Lesnar for the sole purpose of making people go "Not again!" Your hosts are Michael Coleslaw and Tazzzzzzzzzzzzz, who announce that Brock and Show meet for the title next week. Dear God, no!

 

WWE lost a true legend in Freddie Blassie this week, and he was family and will be missed. An excellent video package complete with tons of vintage footage and pictures airs here.

 

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Every legend that passes should get that type of video package! Simply awesome stuff, and even I had to fight back tears with that one. Download this NOW if you didn't tape it!

 

Segment 4

 

The song for the video was "My Immortal" by Evanescence.

 

Non-Title Tag Team Match scheduled for one fall: Eddy Guerrero and Tajiri (WWE Tag Team Champions) vs. The Basham Brothers

 

Tazz claims it's Sammy Sosa's car: the shocks are corked so the car bounces higher. Cheap shot. Danny Basham's got the elbowpad, for the record. Doug and Tajiri start. Hard kick by Tajiri, but Doug charges with forearms. Hiptosses and kicks by Tajiri for 2. Tag to Eddy, who does his damage, and Danny Basham tags in. Huge dropkick by Eddy, and he stomps away at him in the corner. Forearm smash. Rolling vertical suplex combo. Up top, but Doug stops him. Eddy comes off the top to take both men down, but Doug with a cheap shot and an illegal switch. Eddy plays face-in-peril as Cole tells us Team Angle called in sick tonight. Double short clothesline for 2. Vertical suplex by Doug for 2. Danny tags in and gets a crevatte, but Eddy counters it into a wasitlock suplex. Tag on each end, and Tajiri is working over both brothers. Handspring elbow to Danny. Rana to Doug. Handspring kick to knock Danny off the apron, but Danny is in to make a save after a DDT. Tarantula to Danny, Eddy with a Frog Splash to Doug, and Tajiri breaks the hold...Roundhouse Kick to Doug Basham for the pin at 4:44. *1/2 Sign in crowd: "Eddie stole my virginity."

 

Kurt Angle Classics: Angle and Steve Austin sing for Mr. McMahon (July 2001).

 

Kurt Angle returns... NEXT!

 

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I would like to see the Bashams work more than some basic TV matches before I pass a full judgment on them one way or another, but so far I am liking their work. They do some nice basic double team moves and have put on two passable matches, which is exactly two passable matches more than La Resistance have on Raw. The Eddy-Tajiri team is really starting to gel well together too. Two or three more decent full-time tag teams and this show might have an actual divison happening here.

 

Is it just me, or does UPN's fall lineup suck ass?

 

Segment 5

 

My Olympic Hero has returned! And the "You Suck" chants are drowned out by the pop. Editing? You be the judge! Lots of welcome back signs and people bowing for the master in the crowd. "I can't believe I'm going to say this, but you have no idea how good it is to hear those words again. Play my music!" THERE are the "You Suck" chants. Hot damn! After two months of surgery and rehab, he's back in a WWE ring (did he say "WWF" or am I hearing things?). And he's back to become champion again! (WHAT) "I missed that word too." (WHAT) "I said I missed that word too." Cue the "Angle" chant. But tonight, he's here to thank one person. When he was in the hospital, there was one person keeping close contact with him. One person who became a genuine friend. But before he can say the name, here comes The Too Damn Big Show. Show's smiling. But Angle wants to know why he's here. It's not to say how happy Show is to have Angle back, "because personally, I don't give a damn." Angle can earn all these fans' respect, "but you haven't earned mine." Angle wants to be champion again? Wait in line, because when Show wins the title next week, maybe he'll get a shot at a real champion. And pray that doesn't happen, because Show will put him in the hospital permanently. Angle: "OK, Show...these are called breath strips. What you do with them is..." Classic! Angle steps onto the middle rope to look down on Show. Last time they fought (at Armageddon), Angle whipped his ass. He won the Olympic gold and main evented WrestleMania with a broken neck, "so forgive me if I'm not pooping my pants right now!" "If you want to see me kick The Big Show's ass right now, give me a 'you suck'." Staredown, but here comes King Brock I as we reach the top of the hour. Staredown between Brock and Show, and Show backs off and leaves the ring. Angle taps Brock on the shoulder, but Brock turns violently toward him. Angle admits he can't remember ever being beaten up as badly as he was at WrestleMania, but he didn't need help against The Big Show tonight. "Unlike you, Brock." Show's been getting the better of Brock, and it wouldn't be a surprise if there's a title change next week. Show's beat him twice, after all. Brock tells Angle that he'll get his shot "when" he beats Big Show next week. That sounds good to Angle. Angle wanted the Mania match to go down as Angle's greatest victory ever, but to beat Brock Lesnar, you have to be at the top of your game. "Guess what, big boy? I am!" But he did want Brock to come out, because Brock was the one who showed concern for Kurt and his family. Respect and stuff. There's the thank you, the handshake, and the hug. All that tension for that finish?

 

Later tonight, the Cruiserweight Title is on the line!

 

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Hot damn, is it good to have Kurt Angle back! I don't quite get why we had all that tension between Angle and Lesnar for there to be a hug at the end. Maybe they want us to think that Angle is going to cost Brock the title next week. Maybe they want us to think that Angle is going to help Brock keep the title next week. Maybe it's merely coincidence that they can use that after next week because they haven't thought that far ahead yet. Good segment.

 

Segment 6

 

Ultimo Dragon is coming!

 

One fall: Vanilla Icena vs. Chris BeNOIT

 

Cena does a rap, comparing the upcoming cruiserweight title match to The Haiti Kid vs. Lord Littlebrook. "I ain't in this for the money, LeBron James took it all." They're trading blows early, and Benoit gains control early. Cena catches Benoit running in and drops him face first to the turnbuckle, but Cena is quickly caught in the Crippler Crossface and scrambles to the floor. Outside they go, and Cena sends Benoit to the ringpost. Back in they go. Into a reverse chinlock. Elbowing out of it is Benoit, and now some chops. Snap suplex for 2. Cena goes for the FU, but Benoit counters with a DDT. Cut throat motion, up top, Swan Dive Headbutt for 2! Corner whip, rolling Germans, and he goes for a Northern Lights suplex, but they run into Mike Sparks. Low blow by Cena, and he goes for that chain. Out comes The Man Beast Rhyno to stop him, but miscommunication leads to Rhyno hitting Benoit, which enables Cena to get the win at 3:40. *1/2

 

Up next, Rikishi and Torrie Wilson vs. Jamie Noble and Nidia. Why?

 

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Decent enough while it lasted, and my guess would be that this is going to lead into the rumored Benoit-Rhyno feud. Fine by me, as the matches could be top-notch, but who is going to turn heel out of it? My biggest problem with Cena right now is he tends to rely on an extended resthold in a shorter match, as that chinlock had to last nearly a minute. But in a "realistic" sense it makes sense, because who knows how long a match can go. (Stop babbling.) Sorry.

 

Segment 7

 

Mixed Tag Team Match scheduled for one fall: Playboy Cover Girl Torrie Wilson and Rikishi's Ass (w/Rikishi) vs. Jamie By God Noble and Nidia

 

No good can possibly come out of this. Girls vs. girls and guys vs. guys tonight. Tazz wishes his wife a happy birthday. Each guy shows off their lady. Noble yells at Rikishi, Rikishi shoves him, the bell rings, Nidia slaps Rikishi, Nidia goes down, and Nidia and Torrie start. Clothesline by Torrie, Nidia's down in the corner, and there's the tag to Rikishi (to boos), and Nidia hightails it to the corner to avoid the Stink Face and tag in Noble. Noble goes for the sunset flip, but he can't do it, but he avoids Rikishi's attempted sitdown splash. Huge choke slam by Rikishi, and Noble tags Nidia. Um...Torrie's supposed to come in, ref! There we go! Series of clotheslines, a forearm for Noble. Boot to the face, Torrie up top, flying bodypress for 2. Noble in for a cheap shot, but Rikishi saves Torrie from a tiger driver. Rikishi tosses Nidia down, whips Rikishi into Nidia in the corner, and Noble falls to the floor while Nidia hits the corner. Stink Face for Nidia, and Torrie hits the neckbreaker for the pin at 3:32. DUD

 

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No Sable? (You're complaining?) No! (Well then?) But notice how Noble is the only guy who can actually work in this entire match, and he got the least amount of ring time of anybody. This did nothing for anybody except guys in urgent need of eye candy.

 

Segment 8

 

Here's the tale of the tape for our Cruiserweight Title match. Hardy's got the size advantage.

 

Josh Matthews is with Rey Misterio Jr. Rey says he's ready despite the injured groin. This title is why he's with SmackDown. So tonight, he's bringing the title home to West Coast, and in comes Eddy Guerrero to offer his support. He says something in Spanish, then tells Rey "Make us proud. And don't even think about coming back to that locker room without Cruiserweight gold around your waist, esse."

 

Your hosts put over this segment, then hype segment one again, complete with clips.

 

Stephanie McBitch catches her father leaving her office, and she questions the challenge for the arm wrestling match. She claims Zach deserves the contract and will give it to him anyway...but Vince says she's fired if she does. But Vince has hired Stephanie an assistant...Sable. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Steph: "Tell me Dad, what position is she qualified for?" Does her body make Vince forget that she sued the company? Vince says that's all in the past, and then he claims Steph is jealous of Sable's looks. I'm not a Steph fan, but nope, I don't think that's it.

 

Up next, the Cruiserweight Title is on the line!

 

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Who the fuck thinks this is a good idea? ::four hands go up:: NOT named McMahon? ::four hands go down:: Shouldn't somebody in a role like "GM's assistant" have some sort of redeeming quality that justifies putting her on-screen? You know, like TALENT? OK, Sable's still kinda attractive from the neck down, but she has the mic skills and charisma as a dead fish, and you've just put her in a role that is going to give her more airtime than she already has, which is way too damn much as it is!

 

Segment 9

 

Next week, Brock Lesnar defends the belt against The Big Show, and Zach Gowen meets Mr. McMahon in an arm wrestling match!

 

One fall for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Matt Hardy v.1.0 (Champion--w/Crash and Shannon Moore) vs. Rey Misterio Jr.

 

Matt Facts: "Matt is taller than Rey Mysterio" and "Matt despises traffic". Rey gives props to his family as he hits ringside. Brian Hebner goes through instructions before the match. Beautiful touch! Staredown at the bell. Lockup, into the corner, Rey ducks a punch and rolls up Matt for 2. Counter sequence into a headlock, and Matt sends him into the corner and hits a clothesline. Chinlock against the ropes. Shannon and Crash try to sneak in, but Hebner stops them. Rey with some chops. Snap mare near the ropes, then some innovative offense leading to a cover, and I can't keep up with it all. Hardy catches Rey coming in with a clothesline, and that leads to the cornermen doing the double teaming...but Hebner catches them doing and ejects them from ringside. Rey up top and springboarding into a sitdown splash as we go to our last...

 

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A bit slow so far, but with enough action to keep me interested. Solid build up to what should be an exciting conclusion.

 

Segment 10

 

Whip by Rey, reversal, Rey avoids a Splash Mountain, but Matt with the low blow! And that's the opening Matt needs to go after the injured groin. Elevated half crab. Rey reaches the ropes. Rey kicks Matt off the figure-four and into the ropes, and he wants the 619, but Matt kicks Rey in the leg coming in. Matt using the ropes to focus on the leg. Dropkick by Rey, and he slowly climbs to the top, but Matt stops him, and Rey's tied in the Tree of Woe. But Rey avoids the shoulderblock (Matt hits the ringpost) and goes for a moonsault bodyblock, but get caught...and Rey turns it into a tornado DDT. Slow cover, and only 2. Flying bulldog headlock for 2. Matt with a kick to the thigh to slow Rey down. To the middle rope, but Rey stops him...but gets caught with a second rope Side Effect for 2. Matt moves in, but Rey small packages him for 2. Rey gets a Twist of Fate on Matt and only gets 2! Wow, was that close. Rey trips Matt into the ropes...hobbling 619. West Coast Pop...caught...Rey ranas Matt over the top rope. Hebner counts them out...Rey in at 9, Hebner STOPS THE COUNT just for the hell of it! Matt grabs the belt, which brings Hebner outside the ring, and Crash and Shannon Moore return to double team Rey. Matt to the top rope...flying legdrop for thr...TWO! Wow! Series of punches by Matt. Twist of Fate is countered into a double leg takedown into a cradle, and we have a new Cruiserweight Champion at 13:59! Excellent main event! **** There's the celebration, Rey's son coming into the ring while his wife's crying.

 

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Remember when I did this gig before Dr. Tom joined TSM and I bitched about the cruiserweights only getting three minutes? Here's why! What a terrific match! I don't think anybody had any doubt at all as to who was going to win this one, but that was an outstanding match. Props to both men for putting on a nice main event. Great psychology by focusing on the injured body part, great selling by Rey to put the injury over, and the crowd bought into this one hook, line, and sinker.

 

Overall, this was a show that was good when they played to their strengths (the in-ring product), but when they got away from it (which was quite often) it was a hit-and-miss show that missed as much as it hit. Nothing sucked from the in-ring side of things (aside from the mixed tag), and while the two in-ring promos were decent enough, there are a lot of talented guys who were allegedly getting pushed and didn't see any airtime at all. But on the bright side, much less of the McMahon-Hogan saga, so I'm willing to give it a thumbs up based on that and the excellent main event.

 

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