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Raw from JHawk's Beak (5/13/2002)

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Guest TSMAdmin

Raw from JHawk's Beak (5/13/2002)

by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

 

This Week in Wrestling History: May 13, 1957: Antonino Rocca and Miguel Perez successfully defend the United States Tag Team Title against Dick the Bruiser and Karl Von Hess at Madison Square Garden. That version is linked to (and wrongly referred as) the WWWF Tag Team Title. (Courtesy of the WWF Page a Day Calendar).

 

Segment 1

 

The nWo logo is still prominently featured in the opening. Hmmm.... We are live from the Air Canada Centre in Toronto, the site of WrestleManias VI and X8. 17,732 in attendance to see....um...our opening contest.

 

One fall Handicap Match:(w/Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman) vs. The Hardy Boyz

 

And you thought you were going to have to pay $34.95 to see Lesnar squash both Hardys. My dad actually made the comment to me a few days ago that Lesnar looks like Bob Backlund's love child. I'd have said Crash Holly's myself, but if that's the case I'd hate to meet Mrs. Lesnar. Lesnar dominating early, but Jeff gains the advantage and clotheslines Lesnar. Lesnar quickly returns to squash mode, but the Hardyz target the legs. A "Hardyz suck" chant starts. Cool! Lesnar with the overhead belly-to-belly overhead suplex on Matt, and he stomps away. Hard whip into the corner! Paul taunts Matt as Brock uses the ropeburn. Matt goes for the knee. JR calls Heyman a "hemorrhoid on the face of life", proving he doesn't know what a hemorrhoid is. Or he's saying life looks like an ass. Either way it's weird. Jeff tags in, and both Hardyz double team Brock. Poetry in Motion! Double flapjack! Flying splash flying legdrop combo, and Heyman pulls the referee out at 2! The referee immediately calls for the disqualification, and the undefeated streak ends at 3:31. Of course Brock is pissed and drags Jeff in by the head. He goes for a superplex, but Matt low blows him and takes him down with a Twist of Fate. Swanton by Jeff and they take off. Heyman in and asking for the music to be stopped. Heyman questions how the Hardyz can take the win that way and asks for a rematch at Judgment Day, which is immediately accepted, but Heyman negotiates against himself...and puts himself into a tag team match. Lesnar looks at Heyman like he farted in church or something.

 

Backstage, X-Pac is with The Big Show, and in comes Ric Flair. Flair says there's no room for failure and he admits to firing Scott Hall, but says it's for dropping the ball against Austin and has nothing to do with Hall having a drinking problem. Then they acknowledge Nash is actually recovering from surgery, but the nWo needs a new member. That will be announced tonight, and he doesn't even know who he is is yet.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Two guesses who gets pinned in that tag team match on Sunday. Services for Paul Heyman will be Monday at 9 p.m. Eastern. Mixed feelings about the actual match, because Brock look vulnerable (which is bad this soon), but it took two guys to do it (which is good). I think the Hardyz are about done as a viable team though. As far as the new nWo member goes...it has to be either Bradshaw or Kane, or else we're making less sense than if those two actually joined. No official word of Flair actually being nWo though.

 

Segment 2

 

Here come The Man (WHOO!) and The Too Damn Big Show, and Lillian says they represent the nWo. ::sigh:: Sign in crowd: "Why Flair Why?" JR lets a "WWF" slip. Lawler to JR: "I've been telling you to get the F out for years." Flair asks if we all agree his name is Ric Flair. Who else could he be, David Arquette? Flair: "16 times..." Crowd: "Asshole." JR: "16 time asshole." Flair says his 16 World Titles that makes him 16 times better than the Toronto Maple Leafs. Shoot! Shoot! Flair reiterates he owns the Raw brand in case we forgot from last week. The heel heat is amazing! Flair is a better heel. Flair counters the asshole chants by telling a fan, "They're talking about your mother sweetheart." Flair said he drafted Austin and got Stunnered for it. You didn't actually draft him, but OK. And now the crowd is "what"ing Flair, but Flair continues into his tirade and calls Austin trash. "To hell with Stone Cold, to hell with you, and to hell with the Maple Leafs. All in the same order." It might be cheap heat, but damn that crowd is pissed. Flair can sympathize with Vince McMahon because dealing with "that son of a bitch" is a "pain in the ass". Austin could have avoided Judgment Day by kissing Flair's ass, and now he has to pay the price. Has power gone to Flair's head? Apparently, because the Undisputed WWE Title is on the line tonight, but it's going to be "real legend" vs. "legend" as Hulk Hogan defends against..."The Nature Boy"! It will never end the way it should, but I will mark out like hell if Flair takes the title. Please please please God, if you're out there, let them book this one right.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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No way is there a title change tonight, and the WWFederation finally gets their blow-off for the Hogan-Flair feud...10 years too late. Still, nothing would please me more than Flair going over Hogan clean in about 30 seconds, then going over to SmackDown to pass the torch to Jericho or Angle...or even Benoit. And also in fantasy world, Lou Thesz puts Vince McMahon in an STF. Good fun!

 

Segment 3

 

The title match is now no disqualification, and moments ago Hulk Hogan arrived on his bike. One guess as to why that bike's here.

 

One fall Non-Title Match: Shawn Stasiak vs. Eddy Guerrero

 

This match was set up by a chance meeting between the two, where Eddy asks flat out if weed is part of the vegetation at Planet Stasiak. Sign in crowd: "Latino cheat". Your point? That's what makes Eddy fun. Before the bell can ring, out comes Rob...Van...Dam. Pro wrestling rule #6: Non-title matches mean the champion gets pinned. Eddy is clearly distracted, but so is Stasiak, so Eddy cheap shots him before the bell. Shawn takes control with a kick and a gutwrench suplex for 2. Eddy dropkicks the knee, brain busters him down, and hits the Frog Splash for the pin in 1:07. RVD immediately runs in and works over Eddy, sending him outside of the ring and celebrating. RVD heads to the back, but Eddy gets the stick and calls VD to turn around. Eddy asks RVD who he thinks he is, and he's Rob...Van...Dam. Um...that was the point of all that?

 

Backstage, Coach knocks on Stone Cold's dressing room door, but there's no answer, although Debra scares him by coming from behind. We'll hear from him next, and remember, the WWF...dammit JR, the WWE Title is on the line later tonight!

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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We got the postmatch mic work so Rob Van Dam can point to himself and say he's Rob Van Dam? ...Whatever. Stasiak continues to be everybody's bitch. It's as if he's become the token jobber as a rib for the recording incidents back in 1999 and he doesn't even realize it yet. And we'll get more lame crowd participation (what) when Austin talks. Hopefully it's short.

 

Segment 4

 

Coach is with Austin, and apparently Flair didn't say anything important because he's a jackass. He's a jackass. He's a jackass. We get it. Austin doesn't have a problem with a handicap match with a tall son of a bitch and a "bleached blonde blue-haired son of a bitch". Flair doesn't deserve his title match, which is very interesting. Austin's watching. And Flair will find out you don't screw with Stone Cold Steve Austin. Foreshadowing? He even thanks Coach for the interview. He is such a sweetheart.

 

Tonight, legend vs. legend. No disqualification. For the Undisputed WWE Title. AND YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT DAMMIT!

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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I blacked out there. Did Austin say anything important? Anything interesting? At all? I think it's safe to say we have a Russo-esque main event on the way tonight.

 

Segment 5

 

We get a brief documentary of Tommy Dreamer, complete with disclaimer. He brushes his teeth with his dog's toothbrush. He shaves his tongue. He drinks toilet water. "It's better than regular water. It's a lot colder." What the hell was that?

 

William Regal is doing commentary, and while he's never had toilet water, he's had tea that tasted like toilet

water. His words, not mine.

 

One fall: Terri vs. Pure and Wholesome Molly Holly

 

Because every women's match needs Terri in it. [/sarcasm] Terri cheap shots Molly to start, and it takes 9 seconds to get the "We want puppies" chant started. Terri with a bodyslam for a 2 count as Lawler begs to be slammed by Terri. I'd say "Get your mind out of the gutter" but that's probably exactly where he was going. Molly with a snap suplex for 2. Lawler uses euphemisms to say Molly's a virgin and Regal doesn't get it until Lawler's blunt about it. Hard slap by Terri finally draws the reaction from the crowd, and she ranas Molly of the top turnbuckle (!) And it was better than Lita's! It only gets 2 though. Molly gets a small package for the pin at 2:26, and she attacks Terri after the match for good measure. Regal in with the mic, and he says how refreshing it is for a woman to make a name for herself without flashing her bosoms. He escorts Molly up the ramp.

 

Flair. Hogan. No DQ. The title. It's NEXT!

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Terri does one move, which is one more move than Lita. Which one needs to be fired now? Of course the crowd doesn't react to Terri unless she points out the implants, so they should probably keep Lita over Terri anyway, moveset be damned. This is not where the women's division should have gone. I'll hold off commenting on Regal and Molly hooking up until they do something with it. As far as the Tommy Dreamer segment goes...what the fuck was that? Drinking toilet water = RATINGS! More of that McMahon math.

 

Segment 6

 

One fall for the Undisputed WWE Championship: The Man (WHOO!) vs. Hulk Still Sucks

 

Flair says it's going to be 17 times, and won't it piss Vince McMahon off if Flair wins this match? Sign in crowd: "Flair has puppies." Hogan comes to the ring on his bike. Has anybody seen The Undertaker yet? I'll give Hogan credit. Two televised title defenses in three weeks. It used to be Hogan wouldn't have two defenses, televised or otherwise, in six months. Your referee is Charles Robinson, and I'm begging for some WCW continuity. Crowd is rabid for Hogan as we have a feeling out process to start. Typical Hogan match to start, as he tosses Flair down and Flair heads to the floor for a Tastykake break. Robinson keeps Flair from using a chair, and JR points out how good it is for a referee to have morals. Hmm... Hogan no sells Flair's chops, then punches and chops Flair, which Flair sells. Flair with the header. Flair can't do the Flair Flip. Flair tries to go up top, but he's the heel so he gets slammed off. That's Rule #7. Flair with the low blow, and the crowd is PISSED! JR says it's just as legal as an overhand wristlock, and as Lawler points out, it's more effective. Flair with punches and chops as the crowd chants "Hogan". Flair with punches and stomping the mat for sound. That was quite blatant, actually. Now a "Let's go Hogan" chant. What the hell? Flair sends Hogan out to the floor. Apparently no DQ doesn't mean no countouts, because Robinson stays in the ring and counts. Hogan rolls Flair into the ring. Backdrop. Thumb to the eye by Flair. Kick to the knee. Chop (WHOO!) gets 2. Hogan blocks the kneedrop (fuck you), and puts on a figure-four (double fuck you). Flair makes it to the ropes, and Hogan breaks even though it's no DQ. Flair to the apron, but Hogan suplexes him back in and covers for 2. Elbowdrop misses. Flair with a chop, and Hogan no sells. Another one and another no sell. And now he's hulking up. Fuck. Hogan with right hands, Big Boot (weak), Big Leg Drop, and X-Pac breaks up the count. X-Pac is now my favorite wrestler...well, next to Flair and only until the end of the segment. Hogan disposes of X-Pac, and in comes the Big Show. Bradshaw clears Show out of the ring with a clothesline and chases X-Pac through the crowd, and here comes Austin. Stunner (fuck!). Hogan wasting time. Another legdrop, and that gets 3 at 8:46. Fuck you Hogan! Hogan rides his bike to the back.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Damn it to hell! Hey Hulk, you're 50 years old! I could maybe buy the no selling shit when you were in your mid-30s the first time around, but you should not be no-selling shit now, particularly when Flair's chopping you and you have two broken fucking ribs! And on top of that, where the hell was The Undertaker? If he wasn't going to take Hogan's bike to distract him, why bring the fucking thing down there? As an aside, when did they put the Raw apron up? They had a WW Entertainment apron up during the handicap match and I noticed the Raw apron in the title match. They were a little slow after the Heat taping, I guess.

 

Segment 7

 

A new Get the F out ad where two people have sex in a car to the tune of "Sexual Chocolate" and the window rolling down and up gets rid of the F. I don't get it. Wouldn't that get rid of the entire WWF logo? And why am I nitpicking a house ad?

 

Flair is pissed backstage and he's blaming Show for not getting the job done. But he really blames Bradshaw, so we get Bradshaw against X-Pac and The Big Show in a handicap match later on. Plus, Austin will be in a lumberjack match, where the lumberjacks are hand picked by Flair, and his opponent...they don't say, but he's apparently the newest member of the nWo.

 

One fall Mixed Tag Team Match for both the WWE Hardcore Title and the WWE Women's Title: Trish Stratus and Bubba Ray Dudley vs. Jazz and Steven Richards

 

I'm assuming only Trish can win the Women's Title but anybody can win the Hardcore Title. Nope, apparently only Bubba can win the Hardcore Title, although with the 24/7 rule...and this is old school rules, men vs. men and women vs. women. Bubba throws Trish over the top rope and onto the opponents. In the ring, Trish has Jazz in the corner for the 10 punch count along. Richards charges Trish but misses and hits Jazz. Bubba in with an avalanche, down goes Richards...and down goes Jazz's head into Stevie's crotch. Trish hits Jazz with a trash can. Bubba with the Flip Flop Fly on Richards. Trish places a stop sign on Stevie's crotch, and Bubba with a hockey stick onto the stop sign. Richards tries to fight back, but he gets caught with a Bubba Bomb, and here's Justin Credible with kendo stick and referee, but out comes Crash Holly. Credible and Crash keep trying to prevent each other from getting the title, and Bubba lays Justin out with a guitar. Richards tags in Jazz and runs like hell for the locker room, with Bubba in pursuit. The women are legal, and you can tell Jazz is hurt as she takes her time bringing Trish in. Trish ducks a clothesline, hits the Stratusfaction, and wins the Women's Title at 4:10. Really no other way to end it with Jazz's injury, but really anti-climactic. Bubba's back to the ring, and Trish tells him to get the tables. Bubba's found wood...I don't know if you can get your mind out of the gutter or not...and Jazz takes the Super Bomb from Bubba through the table. Both Bubba and Trish get the orgasmic look in their eyes.

 

Tonight, a lumberjack match with a new nWo member!

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Once again, that was just anti-climactic more than anything, but with Jazz's injury the only other option was Molly and the WWF has always frowned on heel vs. heel unless Vince gets a hair up his ass. Trish wins the Women's Title in her hometown, and we actually go through a four minute hardcore match without that title changing hands. Fun segment.

 

Segment 8

 

Judging from the Rewind, I'm betting Taker destroys Hogan's bike this segment.

 

Undertaker is backstage (two segments late), so Coach asks him for a reaction from last week. Taker gives Coach the silent treatment and walks out.

 

Your hosts are The King and Good Ol' JR, and King reads the new Hulkamania magazine. Oh please shoot me now. A fucking magazine now? Where's Flair's magazine? Where's Bruno Sammartino's magazine? Where's Maven's magazine? They run down the Judgment Day lineup.

 

Tonight, Austin in a lumberjack match.

 

Backstage, Goldust and Booker T are lumberjacks tonight, and Goldust sings Monty Python's "The Lumberjack Song". Booker is in a lumberjack outfit, and when questioned about not wearing one himself, Goldust says you don't have to wear one, so Booker is all "You like it? YOU wear it!" and Goldust is all "Oh, don't go there!"

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Monty Python references? Booker and Goldust are comic gold! Goldust just doesn't have the singing voice Michael Palin does though. However, it's really rather sad when this is all I have to comment on between segments.

 

Segment 9

 

Don't forget to watch Vince McMahon on Bob Costas: Off the Record after Tough Enough 2 this Thursday. And if you miss it, I'll have a report included with my SmackDown recap.

 

One fall Handicap Match: X-Pac and The Too Damn Big Show vs. Bradshaw

 

Because one handicap match in a two hour show is never enough. X-Pac needs to keep Kane's mask on, he looks 10 times better. X-Pac with a headlock to start, and it doesn't work because Bradshaw's bigger and stuff. Show is invited in, and Bradshaw pounds away at him, but a cheap shot from X-Pac and Bradshaw walks into Show's elbowsmash. X-Pac back in, and Bradshaw catches him with a powerslam for a 2 count. Elbowdrop, and Show makes the save at 2. Bradshaw now being double teamed in the corner. X-Pac distracts Nick Patrick, and Show throws Bradshaw into the steel steps and rolls him back in. Show with a bodyslam and an elbowdrop. Headbutt. Elbow to the back of the head. Tag made to X-Pac. Snap mare into a snap legdrop, one of the few X-Pac moves I like, and he covers for 2. Bradshaw finally comes back and knocks Show off the apron. X-Pac off the top, but he's caught and taken down with a fallaway slam. Bradshaw goes for the Clothesline from Hell but is hit with a chair from behind by the Show. Choke Slam! X-Pac tags in and makes the cover himself for the win at 4:33. Dull with a dead crowd (Hall was the only over guy of the bunch, and he's out of a job), but the point is clear...Austin is gonna have trouble fighting two guys.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Not much else I can say. I don't know if the crowd was waiting for Austin to come out or if they're just tired, but Bradshaw's comeback was getting no reaction at all. Of course, after the incident coming back from Englnd, that's probably the point. Then again, it is Toronto, where Hogan is God, Flair is an asshole, and the only reason Vince Carter isn't Prime Minister is because he's not actually Canadian. I like the city, but rooting for Hogan?

 

Segment 10

 

Don't have PPV? Go to the World at Times Square, or pay 25 bucks and watch it on wwe.com. Or do what I'll probably do if I bother to see it and go to Damon's or BW-3 or Hooter's.

 

That lumberjack match is next!

 

Coach catches Hogan as he's about to leave on his red and yellow bike. Isn't that a different bike than the one he rode earlier or am I imagining things? Hogan offers to stay and be a lumberjack because he owes Austin, but Taker attacks from behind with a tire iron and takes out Hogan's shoulder. He's going to steal Hogan's bike since he doesn't have one of his own anymore, and he hogties Hogan to the back of the bike. Hogan is being dragged out of the building! That is an excellent visual. Show the replay, then come back to a "live" shot where Hogan is dragged into some boxes that are conveniently stacked against the wall, and the boxes and some lead pipes fall on him. Again, cool visual, if a bit of a stretch in getting there.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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My only problem with the segment: Hogan takes a tire iron to the collarbone, but he goes from selling the shoulder (the storyline injury) and the ribs (the real-life injury). But at least that lazy son of a bitch is finally selling for somebody since he couldn't be bothered to do it for Jericho or Flair. I'm not a Taker mark, and I hate frequent title changes, but I hope to hell they get that belt off of Hogan and they get it off of him NOW!

 

Segment 11

 

Backstage, and paramedics are with Sgt. Slaughter and Tony Garea to check on Hogan's neck. He might have a broken collarbone, after all.

 

Lumberjack Match: Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. ???

 

A quick look at the lumberjacks begs the question: "Bossman still has a job?" Austin gets attacked by the lumberjacks before he ever gets into the ring. Rule #8: Lumberjack matches degenerate into brawls between the lumberjacks. Probably not tonight though since it's all heels. Flair calls Booker T into the ring, and he looks confused, but he isn't going to cross the boss and he goes in and works on Austin. I smell a face turn. Austin ducks the leg lariat and punches away at Booker T, but he's pulled out of the ring by the lumberjacks. Brock Lesnar dominates Austin on the floor. Yep, they're pushing him alright. Booker T is pissed at Lesnar for helping and says "I've got him." There's the leg lariat and a cover for 2. Austin ducks a clothesline and punches away. Thesz press with punches. Austin into the ropes, and Show low bridges him to the floor. It's Show, X-Pac, and Flair working on him, and they send him into the ring. There's the scissors kick, and the SPINNAROONIE! SPINNAROONIE! SPINNAROONIE! Austin is back up by then, but Booker keeps the advantage and busts out Regal's multiple cover spot. Austin is back out to the nWo side of the floor. Show sends him in, but Austin low blows Booker. The lumberjacks keep hopping up onto the apron to distract Austin. X-Pac grabs Austin, but there's a "malfunction at the junction" (with JR tipping his 10-gallon hat to Southwest Championship Wrestling) and down goes X-Pac. A Stunner for Regal, and Booker is back up, but Austin is able to roll up Booker for the pin at 5:24. Austin quickly runs for his life down the aisle, but ARN ANDERSON attacks from behind. Lesnar tosses Austin into the ring. Choke Slam by the Show! X-Pac choking away, and he's holding him down for Show's elbowdrop. And again. And again. Show with a series of knees. Another choke slam as Austin is bleeding from the mouth. Flair now punches away at Austin, Flair's music plays, and Flair and Show celebrate in the ring.

 

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FADE TO BLACK

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Austin vs. Booker T straight up is good. Austin vs. Booker T in an overbooked piece of garbage like that is not. Plus, Austin is made to look like Jesus H. Hogan, as with the exception of Lesnar, he had an advantage on EVERYBODY at some point. If you don't think Austin's coming away from Judgment Day with the win there, you're not a smark.

 

Until SmackDown!, remember the Hulk Hogan Haters Klub motto (invented by Tony Schiavone): "Hulk Hogan, you can go to hell. Straight to hell." I need to talk to Dave Whitaker about adopting that, actually.

 

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