SmackDown! from JHawk's Beak (5/16/2002)

[Guest TSMAdmin]

SmackDown! from JHawk's Beak (5/16/2002)

by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

 

Wrestling's Stupidest Quotes: "I know some of our fans would like to see more of the Light Heavyweights, as would I." -Jim Ross at Judgment Day 1998 and pretty much every Friday in the Ross Report since. We're still waiting, JR.

 

I'm going into this show thinking "No way it can be worse than Raw" and remembering it's been worse than Raw every week since the brand extension. So hopefully they prove me right for a change.

 

Segment 1

 

The opening makes me wonder...wouldn't hitting someone in the head with the big part of the sledgehammer kill somebody?

 

Welcome to SmackDown, taped May 14 from the Molson Centre in Montreal, Quebec, Canada! Will a World Champion be screwed tonight? Well, Earl Hebner's on Raw, so probably not! Tonight, Torrie and my future wife compete in a swimsuit competition. And maybe some matches, but nobody cares about those.

 

And out comes Hungry Hungry Hippos, and if he doesn't spit out the water like a Wwlrus at Sea World, he won't get a pop. Ah, there it is, right on cue! Cole hypes Hell in a Cell and says once in, it's nearly impossible to get out...which is why there's never been a Hell in a Cell match that actually stayed in the cell. Triple H is actually getting a real pop for the first time since January 14 or so. Anyway, Vince thinks he can send six guys out to the ring and Hunter will just fade away, but judging from my bleeding eardrums, that isn't happening any time soon. Sooner or later, Hunter's going to get close enough to chew Vince up and spit him out. Isn't that Stacy's job? Anyway, Sunday he's taking Jericho straight to Hell (in a cell), and he calls Jericho out early. But instead of Jericho, out comes Edge for no apparent reason. Will this be explained? Would you be able to tell Hunter and Edge apart if they wore the same shirt? Edge reminds Hunter he hit everybody with a sledgehammer, and it wasn't all that enjoyable. They're supposed to both be good guys and get along, but Edge doesn't give a crap. Why can't we save the "What" crap for Austin already? Yeah, I'm talking to you SmackDown viewers. Back to the interview. Edge wants to play The Game, and I want to see that match. Hunter is everything he says he is, but he is not a good guy. Is that the writers' way of turning him heel? If it is, they're out of ideas. Hunter accepts, and Edge gets off the first blow, but the brawl is broken up by an attacking Kurt Angle and Chris Jericho. The highlight is Angle's spear onto Edge, which should make some people happy. Jericho holds Edge so Angle can cut off a lock of his hair as a trophy. Hunter in with a chair, but the heels bail.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Isn't keeping an opponent's hair as a trophy Jericho's old WCW gimmick? There could be a lawsuit pending over that. Anyway, a 15 minute segment that probably added one PPV buy (at most) and sets up a tag match that will have no logic given the content of the segment. Why can't the babyfaces just get along?

 

Segment 2

 

Backstage, Vince McMahon is entirely too friendly with my future wife, and he's going to get a sneak peek of the swimsuit competition. He wants to give the pups a little nuzzle for good luck (his words), and in come Jericho and Angle, who are pissed that Vince didn't see the previous segment. Vince is smarter than the rest of us, apparently. Yep, there's the tag match, Edge and Hunter vs. Jericho and Angle.

 

One fall tag team match: Lance Storm/Hardcore Holly vs. The Big Valbowski/Randy Orton

 

What do these four men have in common? They're all more talented than the main eventers at Judgment Day. Yes, even Orton. Orton slides into the ring and immediately gets forearms from Storm for his trouble. In comes Holly, and he chops away, and Orton with chops of his own. That pisses Holly off, and some blows set up the best dropkick this side of Maven. But Orton with one of his own. Tag on each side, and Val with the advantage. Huge backdrop, and Hardcore comes in and gets some from Val. Tag to Orton. Flying bodypress to Storm for 2. Damn, he got way up on that one! Somebody clock the hang time. Orton with a roll the dice (or the Play of the Day or whatever you want to call it) and it gets 2. Storm catches Orton with a superkick, and that gets 2 before Orton counters with a reverse half nelson (we call it a crucifix) and a handful of tights for the pin at 2:17. Now cue the World Title feud recap and Hogan hydroplaning down the aisle!

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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More of the same. Two minute match after a 15 minute interview. It's supposed to be the other way around. Still, that's about as good as a two minute match is going to get, and Orton continues to impress me more every week. Now if they could find someone other than Storm and Holly to job to him. Like, I don't know...Test. The Godfather. Mark Henry. Someone like that.

 

Segment 3

 

Torrie is walking backstage in her robe, and she runs into Maven, who asks her out on a date. And she accepts. I ask women out who aren't nearly as attractive and I get shit like, "I'm not interested" or "I have a boyfriend" or "I'm a lesbian Satan worshipper." But this is just an excuse for Brother D-Von to preach against the sins of the flesh. Hey, he's not preaching to me about it, it's fine by me. Al Snow comes in to interrupt, and D-Von backs off, but says Maven will still get salvation.

 

Mild-mannered Gregory Helms asks Funaki if he's sending The Hurricane his hurri-notes. Funaki has one taped to his back, and the mysterious (wink wink nudge nudge) author warns him that his pains begin if he wins the Cruiserweight Title.

 

Marc Loyd interviews Chris Jericho, and apparently everybody thinks Jericho's finally going to get his mouth shut by Triple H. But Jericho says he's going to unleash the "unmercilous competitor" Chris Jericho he really is. We finally hype the fact that Jericho caused the quad injury, and that he beat Hunter down three times last week.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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::whoosh:: Citizens of thesmartmarks.com. You all seem to have your own opinions of who this hurri-author is, and most of you say it isn't the misterio it should be. WUZUPWITDAT? ::whoosh:: Cruiserweight Title matches are always good but I'm still saying it's either Jaime Knoble or Shannon Moore sending these notes. Maven vs. D-Von? Ugh. And Jericho is finally being built up as the evil heel. About damn time.

 

Segment 4

 

It's a rainy night in Montreal, and we have a tag match and swimsuit competition to come. But first, it's:

 

One fall: Brother D-Von (w/Deacon Batista) vs. Maven (w/Al Snow)

 

And before the match, the good reverend spreads the Good Word with the crowd not realizing that STEVE AUSTIN ISN'T ON SMACKDOWN DAMMIT! Maven entrance ends the pitch for donations. D-Von with a right hand before the bell and he pounds away at him. Snap mare into an elbowdrop. A small "we want head" chant starts. D-Von with a bodyslam, but missing a legdrop from the second turnbuckle. Maven with a small package for 2. School boy for 2. Kick and a DDT for 2. Add to that moveset boy! Belly-to-back suplex, and the deacon is on the apron. Waistlock by Maven, but a low blow by D-Von, and into the Saving Grace for the pin at 1:55. Al comes in to save Maven after the match, but Batista with the collection box to the head ends that.

 

The swimsuit competition is NEXT! But some midget says he's going to record Stacy's win for posterity and he draws out the EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE in every word. I guess that's a Keibler Elf. ::rim shot:: By the way, I was using that before it was a sign at a WWFE event, so don't accuse me of stealing my material.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Eh, short match and nothing horrid. I know I'm in the minority, but I'm not completely anti-Maven. His push is a bit much so soon, yes, but it's not like his matches are boring like some other people who have never worked a good match. Mark Henry, I'm looking in your direction. Why the midget? Probably to remind everybody to get the F out. That midget can get the F out, alright.

 

Segment 5

 

Tazzzzzzzzzzzz is going to be your emcee for the swimsuit competition, so first we bring out My Future Wife. Why is the camera never on the right side when she bends over? Now let's bring out Torrie Wilson, who has the nicer robe, dammit. Yeah, NOW put the camera on the right side. The crowd will pick the winner, and I'm biased. Torrie takes her robe off, but Tajiri runs out to cover her up. And that looked like quite the bikini too...ah well. Stacy wins by forfeit! YES! WHOO HOO! Tazz makes sure she shows us the goods, and she refuses. And that's Trish Stratus' music! She's available for both shows and apparently wants to be in the competition. Notice Trish is about 5'1" with 9 inch heels? Just a thought. Trish forgot her bikini, but she's in bra and panties, which is NOT a swimsuit so Stacy still wins. What do you mean Trish wins? Stacy tries to hit her with a shoe, but it fails. That wasn't a swimsuit, dammit! We call that the "Sable Rule".

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Well, that's not a bathing suit, but I still can't REALLY complain. I'm just upset Stacy didn't show us anything. And to those of you who say I'll marry Stacy in my dreams, I'll quote Paul E. and say "That's a very accurate statement."

 

Segment 6

 

D-Von and Deacon Batista are with Mr. McMahon, and Stacy stroms into the locker room upset over Trish's appearance, and Vince gives her a title match at Judgment Day provided the reverend provides protection. D-Von: "You want a reverend to buy condoms?" Vince says he actually wants bodyguards for Stacy in case Bubba Ray makes an appearance.

 

One fall: Rico (w/Billy and Chuck) vs. Rikishi

 

Why is Rico in a suit and the tag champs in their wrestling gear? Oh, he took the suit off, never mind. He kept the pants on though. Rikishi could stand to learn that lesson. Rico attacks from behind to start, but it doesn't last long. Rikishi with a neckbreaker, and Billy pulls him out of the ring. Billy clotheslines Rikishi on the floor, and Rikishi does the somersault sell. Back in the ring, Rikishi catches Rico coming in with a belly-to-belly suplex. Rico uses the referee as a shield, and down goes Teddy Long. In come the champs, out go the champs, spinning heel kick from Rico only gets 2. Rico goes for the sunset flip, but Rikishi sits down on him for the pin at 2:04. Last week we were pushing Vince's penis, this week's it's Rikishi's ass. Next week: Maven's elbow! Tune in! Rikishi dances at the top of the ramp.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Here comes my surprising comment of the week: Stacy cannot win the Women's Title. I love looking at her, but she is not a wrestler, she hasn't proven to anybody that she really wants to wrestle, and Trish has improved too much to simply be a transitional champ. As for the match we just saw...I've seen better matches in WCW Nitro for the PC. Yes, it was that bad. Rikishi's run was over two years ago and apparently only Vince McMahon missed it.

 

Segment 7

 

Backstage, and Vince flirts with Stacy again. And in come Rico, Billy, and Chuck. Vince is pissed that Rikishi got the win (maybe he knows Rikishi's run is dead after all), and we can add Billy and Chuck defending against Rikishi and...someone Vince is choosing....to Judgment Day.

 

Marc Loyd interviews Triple H as I rapidly lose patience with the amount of wrestling in comparison to the amount of talking. Anyway, Jericho's on his own, he should call Mick Foley about it, blah blah blah blah blah. You retired Mick Foley, we get it! And Edge comes in behind him, and he's still got a problem with Trips, but Trips says to win a couple of World Titles first. "Well, I guess I could take the Triple H way. Marry the boss' daughter and sleep my way to the top." And yes, that was a shoot comment that was meant to be a shoot comment. Triple H says go ahead, but start tomorrow and focus on the match tonight.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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OK, add a match nobody gives a shit about to an already lackluster lineup, and give Vince more face time to do it. Yeah, I'm spending 35 bucks now. Meanwhile we're still waiting for them to sign a cruiserweight match, Holly vs. Orton, or Storm vs. Val, all of which have a month's worth of build up to them. The Edge-Hunter segment was gold (with the shoot comment of the year so far included), but either use it to set up their pay-per-view showdown or start showing off the loaded roster already. The cruiserweights get Jakked, the interviews get SmackDown. *sigh*

 

Segment 8

 

Triple Threat Match for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Tajiri (champion) vs. Billy Kidman vs. The Hurricane

 

Tajiri attacks Kidman before Hurricane can even be introduced. Hurricane is just like a superhero...always late...and he bolts for the ring. Kidman and Hurricane keep making sure the other doesn't get the pin. Kidman with a spinebuster bomb on Tajiri for 2. Flying neckbreaker by Hurricane onto Kidman and he goes up top. Kidman springboards off Hurricane to springboard bulldog Tajiri, and there's the Shooting Star Press, but Hurricane pulls him out of the ring and covers himself...only the ropes can save Tajiri. Hurricane ducks the kick to the head, and there the choke slam for the title at 2:21. Eighteen McMahon segments and you give the freaking best match of the show less than 3 minutes?

 

Your hosts are Tazz and Michael Coleslaw, and we're shilling Judgment Day! See a crappy World Title Match! See a crappy handicap match! See Hell in a Cell! See Hair vs. Hair! See the Intercontinental Title match! See the tag match where Paul Heyman plays the sacrificial lamb! See my future wife go for the women's title! See some other stuff we won't mention!

 

And up next, see Hulk Hogan talk!

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Congratulations to The Hurricane for finally getting a push as a reward for something certain other champions can't claim -- being over. Now let's give some interview time to one of these cruiserweight matches. And speaking of interview time, I don't want Hogan to talk. I don't want Hogan on my TV screen! I want wrestling! You win wrestling fans over with wrestling! You don't win them over with boring interviews and Vince McMahon segments and swimsuit--OK, scratch the last one. But you'd think that when you have 30 wrestlers at your disposal for a wrestling show that more than 10 percent of the show would be wrestling!

 

Segment 9

 

Let's forget everything I just said and bring out Hulk Still Sucks, and since The Undertaker can't appear on SmackDown!, we don't have anybody here to save the segment. Hogan must really be hurt, because he's limping and we know Hogan doesn't know how the hell to sell an injury. After all, he can't sell Ric Flair's chops or the Walls of Jericho. Hogan hurts his back bowing to the crowd. Yes, bowing to the crowd. And another huge Canadian pop that will probably force another month of this crappy title reign upon us. OK, we could have cut like half of this damn ovation down and added a fucking match already! So help me God if I find out they cut one spot out of the triple threat match I'll...I'll...I'l bitch some more! I swear, this is like a five minute standing ovation. He's in tears, and rightly so, and my brother suggests the pop's this sustained because Montreal's so remote they're just now getting the 80s TV footage. To Cole and Tazz's credit, they're keeping quiet during this whole thing and letting the moment speak for itself. I'm missing the Maple Leafs game, let him talk. Oh, I forgot, the Canadiens LOST, so they have to cheer for SOMETHING. Hogan's goal was to make it to WrestleMania and he came out the next night, just to say thanks, but thanks to Montreal fans, he can't go home now. So it's THEIR fault! Fuck you, Montreal! Sign in crowd: "Vince got screwed by the PANDA". Hogan's glad his dreams are coming true because he watches the news and real life sucks. I always knew that, Hulk, and you're ruining MY dream world. And just as Hogan's going to put me out of my misery, HERE COMES FUCKING MCMAHON AGAIN! He's worse than Hogan. Shit! This is the ninth segment, and I think has been in about eight of them now. Vince rips the microphone out of Hogan's hand and says "Reality doesn't suck. In my opinion, Hulkamania sucks!" OK, Vince is turning face in my eyes. He enjoyed The Undertaker dragging Hogan around the Air Canada Centre like a bag of roadkill. At one time, Vince agreed Hogan was an icon and an immortal. But tonight, he sees an empty shell of what Hogan used to be. You can smell it...Hulkamania has a terminal illness. Hulkamania has cancer...where have I heard this before? Oh, yeah, that was why Hogan was brought in in the first place. Continuity...well, no, but we can pretend. Crowd starts chant "Na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye", which Vince thinks is for Hogan. We can only hope. Vince was the Dr. Frankenstein that created Hulkamania, and he can destroy anything he created. The red and yellow: The red stands for the blood Hogan will lose Sunday, and the yellow is for the streak down his back. Vince slaps Hogan in the face, and he hulks up and beats the hell out of Vince McMahon. The Big Leg Drop, and OK, I'll mark out for that! So is the Montreal crowd. Pose for them Hulk, pose throughout the break!

 

And NEXT, that tag team main event!

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Awesome show of respect for Hogan, but they seriously didn't need to show the whole damn thing. We

got the point. Vince becomes a face in my eyes by telling the truth, and Hogan makes me mark out for Hulkamania for probably the last time by legdropping Vince McMahon. Overall, excellent segment, but save the time for some matches.

 

Segment 10

 

One fall main event: Kurt Angle/Chris Jericho vs. Edge/Hungry Hungry Hippos

 

Edge gets attacked by both guys before Triple H ever gets to the ring, but the bell doesn't ring until the sides are even. And yet it rang to start the Cruiserweight Title match when Hurricane hadn't gotten to the ring. I smell a conspiracy. Although if they hadn't the cruiserweights would have gotten LESS than two minutes. Stop bitching, JHawk. Triple H uses the high knee on Angle and tags in Edge. Angle with right hands, whip, reversal, spinwheel kick by Edge. Edge up top, Jericho stops him just long enough for Angle to hit that sweet belly-to-belly superplex. Triple H has to break the pin. Jericho tagged in, snap mare into a dropkick to the back of the head. Angle tagged in. Edge tries to fight back, but an overhead belly-to-belly stops that. Tag to Jericho. Whip, elbow, Asai moonsault misses. Tag to Angle, but not for Edge. Tag to Jericho, rolling suplexes into a cover for 2. Nice spot. Jericho with a boot choke in the corner. Jericho with chops, and he places Edge on the turnbuckle. Jericho with a superplex attempt, Edge knocks Jericho offthe turnbuckle and comes off with a missile dropkick. Tag to Angle, but Angle fucks up and knocks Edge into the corner for the hot tag. Clothesline from Triple H and a cover, but Hunter moves to avoid Jericho's elbow and Jericho elbows Angle instead. The heels come back and double team, but a double clothesline from Hunter knocks them down. Double clothesline from Edge. Edge slingshots Jericho over the top. Angle Slam, Edge avoids it, inverted side slam. Spear to Jericho. All hell breaks loose, and Hunter Pedigrees Angle, but Jericho makes the save. Jericho and Hunter brawl on the floor until Mike Chioda gets crunched between them and the guardrail. Edge and Angle are both down in the ring as Jericho and Hunter brawl through the crowd. Focus in the ring, as we see a huge belly-to-belly by Edge, but Angle grabs a chair and levels Edge in the head with it! Angle with the Angle Slam, and Mike Chioda wakes up in time to count Edge down in 8:47. Pro Wrestling Rule #9: The one with the advantage at the end of SmackDown lose the PPV match.

 

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END OF SHOW

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We finally get a good, lengthy match. It's the main event, but a good, lengthy match. Now there's no way Edge loses the hair match at Judgment Day, as it's a sure way to violate Rule #9, but I have a feeling that's going to be an incredible match. Anyway, good booking in the main event, as if you don't know the rules of wrestling, you're left wondering who's going to win those two matches.

 

Overall, decent final half an hour, flat first 90 minutes. Somebody needs to realize that with all the people on that roster that can wrestle means we should be seeing some wrestling. Instead we get two lengthy interview segments, followed by Vince McMahon in four out of 10 segments. At least he didn't push his penis this week.

 

Until Raw (or possibly Judgment Day), remember that we here at thesmartmarks.com do not bow down to sponsors. And remember to join the Hulk Hogan Haters Klub by...

 

Oh yeah, I forgot, we have a special bonus recap. Let's go to Vince McMahon's appearance on HBO's…

On the Record with Bob Costas.

 

Costas starts by saying Charlie Sheen's on tape and will get cut if need be. He claims he’s not trying to recreate last year's appearance, but here are some clips anyway.

 

Vince with a mock chokehold to start, and he asks point blank how close Vince came to punching him out. Vince says not real close, but he's very passionate. Bob says he wouldn't have hit him. Vince says people talked about it so it's all good.

 

On the XFL: Pulling the plug made good business sense, but part of him says it could still be running and work out. He promised himself not to hurt the core product (ha!). Vince takes Costas reminding him of it in stride, and said outside of the loss of money he's felt no ill effects. It was good football in the end, as a couple of XFLers made the Super Bowl. He thought it would be an uphill battle, but not a total failure. Vince claims he still drew more young males than the NBA does today. I'd like to double check that myself. Vince says if you're going to fail, why not fail in a big way? Vince agrees with Bob that being in prime time might have hurt it.

 

On the ratings dive: It's possible the ratings reached their peak, but he doesn't think it's likely. He admits the audience isn't getting exactly what they want. *cough*matches*cough* The plateau goes up higher everytime they come up from their valleys. Vince says if you're going to relinquish the top spot on cable, why not to Ozzy Osbourne?

 

On The Rock's effect on ratings: Before Rock, there was Austin, Hogan, and Sammartino, so it gets bigger with every run.

 

"Is Hogan spent as a marquee star?" No. The idea is for him to be the "Babe Ruth of wrestling", and that's what he'll be used as. He doesn't know how long Hogan can go, but the reaction has been tremendous and he's drawing an older demographic.

 

On the WWFund: "You say that with a smirk. Don't get me hot." The only objection in America was that they didn't want the "WWF" to be done in the same font, but the international group filed a restraining order at the time of the steroid trial, so they "made a bad deal" that limited the use of the initials. The problems came when the internet got big and some idiot on a plane got a WWFund exec confused with the WWE. So there are those idiots out there then. Costas shows a clip on HBO of the late Gordon Solie with Vince calling the wrestling action.

 

Costas says he finds a lot of today's product funny, but he finds parts of it tasteless. McMahon says it's subjective whether or not it's been toned down. He admits it needs to better all around, including the matches, and they show a clip from tonight's SmackDown where Vince gets a peek of the never seen swinsuit. And now they show the clip from Raw of Tommy Dreamer drinking the urinal water. Costas suggests things like that just don't shock people anymore, but Vince says it's in the execution as well as the story. He said they reached the limit as far as shocking people with the physicality of wrestling.

 

McMahon hopes that certain storylines grate against people but they have a sense of humor, and even suggested Angle call Mario Lemieux prior to saying he faked the cancer.

 

On the Kiss My Ass Club: "You want to join the club?" It was entertaining to audience (no it wasn't) and no regrets.

 

On crossing the line: The WWE follows entertainment standards and there's no way of knowing where the line is.

 

Why no terrorism theme after The Iron Sheik and Sgt. Slaughter? Back with Sgt. Slaughter, they had no way of knowing there was actually going to be a war and they scaled down WrestleMania because of it. At least they're keeping the same story.

 

Costas reads an anti-WWE letter, and McMahon says he has a problem with violence. "We're not everybody's cup of tea, but we're a lot of people's cup of tea."

 

How would Vince promote Tyson-Lewis? He's been tortured by the media about his personal life, and the media shouldn't have dwelled on it. People want to see it because they want to see Tyson fight. Vince doesn't want to miss it because he expects the old Tyson to destroy Lewis within three rounds. Vince had no problems with Tyson at all.

 

What percentage thinks wrestling's real? "I'd say two-and-a-half."

 

And we're out.

 

Vince was supposed to get 15 minutes, and they gave him the full 30. A very civil conversation with no raised voices or punches (damn), but a good interview. Vince comes out looking good, but I hope that him wanting to prove the matches isn't just spin doctor bullshit.

 

I think this time that does do it for me. Until Raw, it's all in the execution, which is piss poor and you're not going to like it.

 

 

Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

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