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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (6/26/2003), June 26, 2003
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post Sep 21 2003, 03:27 PM
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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (6/26/2003)
by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

E-Mail of the Week: Bryan Thompson sent me an e-mail that asks the questions a lot of us have been asking for weeks.

Hey,

What's up Jhawk? Great report, as always. I thought it was a really nice show, I pretty much only have 3 beefs with the show...

1 - What happened to Team Angle(or the Best Damn Tag Team Period?) vs Eddie and Tajiri? They were putting amazing matches together, and had incredible chemistry. If Eddie and Tajiri had beat Team Angle cleanly in their last match to end it, I wouldn't really care. But do you really think Team Angle would just completely forget about it, after being cheated out of the titles two weeks in a row? They were building it up so well...then they dropped it. I don't know where Kurt vs Team Angle is going, I know it will bring great matches, but I really wanted to see what they could have done with Team Angle vs Eddie and Tajiri. Your thoughts?

2 - Jamie Noble and Chris Kanyon's treatment. No entrance for Kanyon? Come on, he had TONS of heat. When was the last time he was on Smackdown? Months ago getting his ass beat by Undertaker while he wore some fucked up Boy George costume? Maybe it was because he was wrestling Rey-Rey, but I think it's amazing to get that kind of heat when you're never on respectable TV, and you don't get a freakin entrance. Also...Noble jobbing to Mr. Ass? I won't go on about that, I'm used to the WWE treating talented workers like shit...

3 - Can't the Undertaker atleast TRY to put FBI over? I know Nunzio wouldn't stand a chance against someone as big as UT, but with the numbers game he could atleast work on the legs, keep him on the ground...then you put over the FBI numbers game, and you have Nunzio playing smart, trying to keep the Undertaker where he can handle him. Instead, they have Nunzio, in what I'll admit was funny, diving out of the ring when the Undertaker looks at him, and getting tossed around like a little bitch. As if he didn't make them look weak enough the past couple weeks...

Well, I would go into the whole Vince/Steph/Sable/Z/Hogan/whoever the fuck else angle...but there's nothing I can say that you already haven't. Despite all the bullshit, I thought this was a good show. I loved Rhyno vs Benoit, despite the bullshit from the crowd. Angle vs Haas was also a great match.

Anyways, keep up the great work. Do you even watch Raw anymore?


The answers:

1. I have a feeling we will see that tag team match once they've blown off the Angle-Haas/Benjamin storyline.

2. Kanyon made Nathan Jones look adequate at the last WWE house show I attended, so somebody is missing the mark if they don't give this guy a push. Noble, while I like watching him work, is pretty much dead without getting a chance to push the trailer trash gimmick, and he hasn't had mic time since November that I can remember.

3. I've covered everything about that one over the last three weeks, so I'll save my breath.

And yes, I do watch Raw, but thank God I can change the channels if it sucks now. Patrick Spoon has to sit through the whole show (the poor bastard), so do him a favor and check out his review of the show.

And how sad is it that only having three beefs with a show is considered good?

As for those of you who asked me about the ugly US Title belt...well, I'd be OK with it if is wasn't for that damned red white and blue background on it, but with that on it looks like something I'd find at Hank Hill's garage sale or something.


Forums Quote of the Week: Last night, slept with three girls, nailed everyone of them...

i'm done braggin.
-redbaron51

And you didn't get on your cell phone or post on here in the middle of it? -crandamaniac in response


Tonight: Brock Lesnar teams with Mr. America and Kurt Angle to face The Big Show, Charlie Haas, and Shelton Benjamin, and nobody is safe from the injury bug. Plus, it's not bad enough that The Undertaker has buried the FBI three straight weeks, so now the reformed APA get to help him out. Ultimo Dragon makes his WWE debut! And Eddy Guerrero and Tajiri defend the SmackDown Tag Team Championships against Sean O'Haire and Rowdy Roddy Piper. Oh, and I'm sure they'll further the asinine Zach Gowen-Vince McMahon storyline will continue. And barring a tornado or major thunderstorm (or too much coverage of LeBron James being drafted by the Cavaliers), I'm here to bring you all the action.


Segment 1

Open with a recap of the arm wrestling match and the aftermath... They can show this all they want, I still don't care.

Taped June 24 from the Mecca of professional wrestling, Madison Square Garden! We've already hyped the three main matches, but Michael Coleslaw and Tazz hype the big six man tag!

Why is Josh Matthews doing ring introductions?

One fall: John Cena vs. Orlando Jordan

Cena does a freestyle, vowing to main event WrestleMania XX. Not his best work in my opinion. Cena is here because he answered an open challenge one year ago this week, so he issues one this time, which is answered by Jordan. Hey, a Billy Kidman sighting! Cena: "Is this the best we can do? A Billy Banks lookalike [BEEP]?" Jordan gets a clothesline to stop that freestyle. BAAAAAAAAAAAACK bodydrop. Flying forearm. Corner whip, Cena with a boot to the face, but Jordan takes him down with a powerslam for 2. Enzuigiri. Cena with an elbow and a spinebuster slam. Cena goes for the FU, but Jordan lands on his feet to avoid the move. A dropkick sends Cena to the floor. Baseball slide, and he brings Cena back in, but Jordan gets caught on the top rope. He throws Cena to the mat and hits a flying bodypress, but Cena rolls through, grabs the tights, and gets the pin at 1:53. This will sound cliche, but that was too short to really mean anything. 1/2* Postmatch, Cena cheap shots Jordan and hits the F-U, and here comes The Undertaker. Continuity from Cena's TV debut? Cena rolls out of the ring and heads halfway down the aisle. Jordan to his feet, and he backs off of Taker, but Taker gives Jordan a "show of respect" in the form of a pat to the ribcage.


COMMERCIAL BREAK

I appreciate that somebody in creative paid attention to the past and played off of it, but how exactly is anybody who hasn't watched Velcoity recently supposed to care about Orlando Jordan after a two minute match? When Cena debuted, he got six minutes to work with Kurt Angle, and outside of a few naysayers, everybody pretty much gave Cena rave reviews. Jordan is good though, so hopefully he gets some real TV time in the near future.


Segment 2

Taped from MSG.

Six Man Tag Team Match scheduled for one fall: The Undertaker and The A.P.A. vs. The FBI

I still haven't heard about a trade, so what's Bradshaw doing on SmackDown? I'll keep asking until somebody makes something up. Taker and Palumbo start. Palumbo into a side headlock. Throw-off, shoulderblock, and Taker with a drop toehold. Arm wringer, but Palumbo out of it with a forearm. Taker comes off the ropes with a flying clothesline, and he wants to go Old School...and he does. Satmboli gets caught trying to make the save, but Nunzio distracts Taker long enough for Palumbo to gain an advantage. Triple team in the corner and a tag to Stamboli. Taker comes off the ropes with a DDT and covers, but Palumbo makes the save. Tag to Ron Simmons. Bodyslam for 2. Stamboli rakes the eyes but runs into a sidewalk slam. Palumbo in illegally to bring Simmons to the heel corner, and now it's a triple team from the heels. Palumbo tags in, and a double hiptoss into a slam gets 2. More double teaming. Tag to Nunzio. Series of right hands, but Simmons catches the hand and holds it until Palumbo makes the save. Palumbo tags in and puts on a chinlock. Sitdown to the back, taunting the crowd, and back to the chinlock. Ever hear the sound of one hand clapping? This is quieter than that. Simmons counters a sitdown to the back with a low blow, and Stamboli and Bradshaw are both tagged in. Big boots by Bradshaw. Knees, forearms, and punches to Palumbo. Fallaway slam (now dubbed "Last Call"), and he goes for one on Nunzio, but Palumbo superkicks for the save. Here come a parade of high impact moves until Bradshaw takes Stamboli down with the Clothesline from Hell for the pin to almost complete silence at 6:26. 1/4*

Ultimo Dragon debuts TONIGHT!


COMMERCIAL BREAK

In theory, putting the A.P.A back together was a good idea. As much as some of you hate to admit it, they were very over at one time, and they haven't been over without each other, so why not bring them back? Sadly, not even a nostalgia pop for the team, proving that absence does not necessarily make the heart grow fonder. Oh yeah, the match was not pretty, as the mostly dead MSG crowd could probably tell you. And this is a crowd that used to cheer wildly for S.D. Jones vs. Iron Mike Sharpe, for crying out loud!


Segment 3

Jamie By God Noble and Nidia are lost and are asked where the subway is anyway. In comes some attorney guy, who says Noble's Aunt Lucille died and left him money to the tune of six figures. And an attorney can find you when you're lost in New York City...how exactly? Nidia gives the attorney a smooch as Noble says he's gonna splurge on Applebee's for dinner. Tazz sings: "You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille."

Time for our hosts to hype WrestleMania XX, coming to Madison Square Garden.

WrestleMania Recall: WrestleMania 1. Only nine more months worth of these.

No Longer Able Sable is looking through a folder when Mr. McAsshole comes in. Sable apologizes for what happened last week, but quite honestly, she finds him very attractive. Jesus Christ, Vince, hire somebody to film you in a porno if you need to fulfill your fantasies on camera! Sable's all over him, but Vince has something to do tonight, so no go.


COMMERCIAL BREAK

Interesting how we were just talking before the show about how Noble can get over if he's given a chance to put the gimmick over, and they actually go and give it some direction. (And I don't read spoilers, so no, that wasn't intentional.) I'm not sure exactly how this translates into the in-ring product, but if it gets Noble over and is entertaining, I'm all for it. At least it's a better story than following Vince's libido like it's the bouncing ball on karaoke night.


Segment 4

WWE United States Title tournament first round match: Matt Hardy v.1.0 vs. Rikishi's Ass (w/Rikishi)

Matt Fact: Matt has better abs than Rikishi (no shit). I assume the winner faces Chris Benoit in the semifinals, but they haven't bothered to put brackets up yet. Hardy reminds Rikishi that he's version one, so Rikishi quickly gets one shot in and covers for 2. Hardy down into the corner very early, but he rolls to the floor before the Stink Face. Rikishi follows, but Hardy sends Rikishi into the ringpost. Rolled into the ring, and a cover for 2. Double wristlock by Hardy, Rikishi reverses, and 'kish with a short clothesline. Belly-to-belly, Hardy counters with a headbutt, but that hurts him and he gets caught with a belly-to-belly as Cole tries again to claim this is the same title that was in WCW (and NWA Mid-Atlantic before that). Rikishi busts out the Rikishi Driver (!) but he's slow to cover and only gets 2. That's the first time in like two years he uses it and it doesn't work. "Let's go Hardy" chant as Rikishi goes for the Rump Shaker, but Hardy gets the knees up to counter, hits the Twist of Fate, and covers for only 2 even though the crowd was counting the pin. Hardy exposes the top turnbuckle. Rikishi punches Hardy and hits a Superkick. Hardy backs into the exposed corner, Rikishi charges, misses, and hits his back on the exposed turnbuckle. Twist of Fate, pin at 4:06, huge pop. Surprisingly OK. *

Tag Team Title match NEXT!


COMMERCIAL BREAK

The right guy certainly went over here, but how hard is it to plan a tournament out ahead of time? OK, so you don't necessarily need to have it completely booked at this point, but announcing the first round matches on the fly? That borders on the absurd. Although if you had told me ahead of time that Rikishi was going to be in the tournament, I'm not sure I'd have cared, so it does have some advantages.


Segment 5

Josh Matthews interviews Billy Kidman, who says it's not that good to be back because he isn't wrestling. Is that Topanga from Boy Meets World with him? Kidman saw Rey Misterio Jr. fulfill his dream a few weeks ago, and maybe that should be him, but he can't wait to get back into the ring.

One fall for the WWE Tag Team Championship: Hot Rod and Sean O'Haire vs. Eddy Guerrero and Tajiri Yoshihiro (champions)

Is this Piper's first MSG appearance since WrestleMania X, or did he make a house show appearance as WWF president? No low rider this week. O'Haire attacks Guerrero before the bell. Guerrero takes O'Haire down with a flying elbow, then hits the hilo. Tag to Tajiri, double team in the corner, and Tajiri chops away at O'Haire. Handspring elbow and a martial arts kick for 2. Into a tarantula early, but too close to the heel corner, so Piper gets in a cheap shot. Running bodyslam by O'Haire. Leg lariat, kick to the back, and a tag to Piper. Slap to the chest and a cover for 2. Shot to Eddy for the distraction, and there's the illegal switch. Kick to the back, and into a rear naked choke. Tajiri with elbows, but O'Haire drives his knee into Tajiri's face. Tajiri comes back with an inverted bulldog (according to Tazz) and a tag on each end. Eddy actually gets an advantage against Piper in a punching contest, but O'Haire takes him down with a superkick. Eddy dropkicks O'Haire, but Piper levels him. Tajiri spits green mist into Piper's eyes, drapes his throat over the top rope, and Eddy hits the Frog Splash for the pin at 3:53. Thank God this feud's over. 1/2*

Back to the end of last week's show to explain how tonight's six man tag was made. That's your main event tonight.

It's time for Vincent Kennedy McMahon to piss on his father's legacy by pushing himself rather than his employees. And he'd like to invite two individuals who have had a profound impact on his life recently. Here come Stephanie McBitch and Zach Gowen, and again, how the bloody hell is Gowen allowed in the building when the arm wrestling match was designed to prevent that from ever happening? Steph's "comments of scorn" are still ringing in Vince's ears, but she'll always be Daddy's Little Girl. He yells at the crowd because this conversation doesn't include them. THEN WHY THE FUCK HAVE IT IN PUBLIC? Sorry. Anyway, Steph was precious in her Dorothy Hamill haircut, but she "matured very quickly", and he admits to wanting her to help "close certain business deals". Maybe he's immoral or amoral, but he stole her innocence from her. "It's almost like I personally deflowered you." And Vince will never forgive himself for that. Which brings him to Gowen. Vince learned something from him as well. "I want to be Zach Gowen." He's done everything a man can possibly do, but he hasn't done what Zach has done. He looked Death in the eye and "spit right in her face". Death's a woman? That explains a lot. So he's asking Zach for one thing tonight.....for him to accept Vince's apology so they can start over. Did they break up just before the prom or something? Zach tells him "No", and that's gotta be career suicide (had he not already lost his career two weeks ago). Vince demands that Zach accept his apology, but again, the answer's no. Vince understands he intimdates him... Zach: "Look at me, you son of a [BITCH]! I've seen intimidation!" He's been through everything to become a pro wrestler "and you want to make a joke out of me?" Apology? "I spit on your apology!" But if Vince is really sorry, he can offer him a job. Vince relents, but with a catch. For Zach to get his contract, he can join the Kiss My Ass Club THAT WAS CLOSED OVER A YEAR AGO! For the love of God, remember your own plotlines already! Hesitation, and Steph whispers in his ear. Vince wants Zach on his knees (not the first time an employee's done that), but Zach low blows Vince. And so the storyline from hell continues.


COMMERCIAL BREAK

As a fan of all four guys, I wanted to enjoy that tag team title match, but I just couldn't. As much as it pains me to say it, Piper really shouldn't be in the ring, and O'Haire has all the potential in the world but doesn't seem to know what to do with it yet. The end result is a disjointed affair. Why have the hot tag in a four minute match? How much trouble was Tajiri really in after a minute and a half? At least spraying the mist into the eyes plays off of the only thing anybody remembers from the buildup, the tequila into the eyes. And sadly, it wasn't the most offensive part of this way too long segment, as we get the return of the officially closed Kiss My Ass Club to bore the MSG crowd to tears. Madison Square Garden is the last place you can ignore your history, because MSG fans remember EVERYTHING.


Segment 6

Does anybody else expect Eddy Guerrero to grow the mullet back by the time The Mullets debuts on UPN?

Here are some replays of that last asinine segment.

Rey Misterio Jr. is going to make a special appearance and head to the broadcast booth. He's finally got his nameplate on the belt.

One fall: Ultimo Dragon vs. Shannon Moore v.0.75

Cool entrance for Ultimo.


COMMERCIAL BREAK

Oh, you have got to be kidding me! You made us sit through a bad match and a worse entended interview to take a commercial HERE? This match BETTER live up to expectations if you're going to pull that garbage!


Segment 7

One fall: Ultimo Dragon vs. Shannon Moore v.0.75

At least we get the whole match. Feeling out process to start. Standing wristlock by Moore, each man does a series of flip floppy reversals, and we have a stalemate. Snap mare by Moore, Dragon lands on his feet, and we get an ROH-style sequence into Dragon's handspring elbow. Moore drop toeholds Dragon into the middle rope and covers for 2. Back suplex for 2. Moore slows things down with a combination keylock/cobra clutch. Lariat by Moore. Dragon counters a suplex into a forward headscissors. Dragon avoids a kick with a legsweep. Lots of kick from Dragon ends in a spinning back kick for 2. Moore with a short elbow, but he gets backdropped to the floor, and it's the MSG debut of the original Asai moonsault. Both men back into the ring, and Dragon covers for 2. Chop. Moore counters a charge with an elbow, but Dragon turns into a top rope jawbreaker. Dragon backflips into an inverted DDT for the pin at 4:55. Some stuff I've never seen before, and that's saying something! **1/4, only because it was short. Postmatch, Rey enters the ring and shakes Dragon's hand.

Up next, the six man tag team main event.


COMMERCIAL BREAK

I'm actually surprised to see that they didn't make Dragon conform to "WWE style" right off the bat. It was a bit slower paced than I hoped for, but hopefully they'll continue to let Dragon wrestle like he can wrestle instead of wrestling like everybody else is forced to "wrestle", because if he gets to do his thing then we're in for some excellent cruiserweight matches.


Segment 8

"Price to Play" by Staind is the official theme song for Vengeance.

Six Man Tag Team Main Event scheduled for one fall: My Olympic Hero, Mr. America, and King Brock I (WWE Champion) vs. Charlie Haas, Shelton Benjamin, and The Too Damn Big Show

Tazz makes it a point to mention this is Mr. America's "debut" at MSG, and Cole makes it a point to mention that Brock's title loss was here at MSG to The Big Show.


COMMERCIAL BREAK

And even with this commercial break, they're still giving this one two full segments. And as long as Hogan and Show are in a minimum amount of time, this could save the entire show.


Segment 9

There's the bell, and we are underway! And the MSG crowd chants "Hogan" because they remember EVERYTHING! A huge "USA" chant that even Tazz says is stupid because everybody's American. Angle and Haas start. Lockup as a "Let's go Angle" chant starts. Ya gotta love the MSG crowd. Snap mare into a chinlock by Angle. Hass reverses into a top wristlock, which Angle reverses into a headlock takedown. Throw-off, shoulderblock by Angle, hiptoss, armdrag to an incoming Benjamin, and Haas levels him from behind. Haas charges but gets backdropped. Benjamin in, and a double dropkick. Forearms by Benjamin. Whip, reversal, elbowsmash by Angle. Punches and kicks as the MSG crowd chants "Hogan". Ya gotta hate the MSG crowd. Angle tags in Mr. America. Thumb to the eye, because that's what we Americans do best or something. Tag to Lesnar, and there's a huge double clothesline. And the Minnesota Stretching Crew EXPLODES! A series of counters ends with Lesnar hitting a short clothesline for 2. Shelton with an uppercut, and into a front facelock. Haas tagged in, but Brock takes him down with a press slam. Front facelock, tag to Mr. America, and he uses kicks and punches as usual. Turnbuckle smashes and a corner clothesline. Back suplex and a cover for 2. Arm wringer and an elbow to the shoulder. Tag to Lesnar. Shoulderblocks in the corner, and a snap suplex. Lesnar trash talks Show as we cut to a...


COMMERCIAL BREAK

We're about seven minutes in, and we haven't even hit the face-in-peril sequence yet. Hogan's using some actual wrestling moves (well, two), and Big Show hasn't stepped into the ring yet. I'm liking it so far, I must admit.


Segment 10

Lesnar with knees to Haas' midsection, and he disposes of Benjamin when he comes in. F5 time, but Brock is taunting Show, so Benjamin superkicks Brock to save Haas. Now Show wants in, but Benjamin tags in instead, and there's some double teaming. There's the tag to Big Show. Show uses his usual big man offense as the crowd chants "Big Show sucks". Brock avoids a chop and hits the corner shoulderblocks, and he wants either an F5 or an Exploder suplex, but Show stops that with a forearm to the back. Brock ducks a short clothesline and takes Show down with a back suplex. Tag to Haas, hot tag to Angle, and here we go! Flying forearm/clothesline by Angle, and a series of release Germans (not rolling) and a belly-to-belly suplex. Drop toehold into the Anglelock, and Show with a kick to the head for the save. Lesnar and Show spill over the top rope, and Haas and Benjamin double team Angle. They miss the German/superkick combo, and Angle takes Benjamin down with a Russian legsweep. Angle clutches the hamstring. Tag to Mr. America, tag to Big Show, and I'm detecting boos from the crowd all of a sudden. Hogan simply punches away at Big Show, and at Haas and Benjamin when they come in. Show avoids the Big Boot, and here's the triple team, but in come Angle and Brock. Angle Slam to Haas, F5 to Benjamin, but Show's legal and back in the ring. Double Choke Slam to Angle and Lesnar, but look out behind you! Punch, punch, punch, Big Boot, but before the Big Leg Drop, Mr. McMahon comes out with a death grip on Zach Gowen. Zach's got a stomachache...called a kick to the gut by Vince. Show grabs Mr. America...Choke Slam, pin at 17:39 (give or take the commercial time, as it didn't look like we missed anything). **3/4 McMahon continues to kick and punch away at Gowen, but in comes Stephanie to cover him. So Zach gets an opportunity for a contract. He will team with Stephanie McMahon for his contract in a handicap match with The Big Show. BUT HE'S ALREADY LOST HIS SHOT AT THE CONTRACT!


END OF SHOW

We finally get a decent match, and it happens to be the main event, but then they piss it away but once again using it as nothing but fodder to further the Vince McMahon-Zach Gowen feud. Why book matches when the results mean nothing and they don't push anybody except Vince McMahon? Thanks a lot for the "effort", but the effort means nothing when this is the end result.

All in all, I'd say that this continues the streak of piss-poor efforts for Madison Square Garden. Raw got more wrestling this week (although not necessarily better wrestling), and they didn't completely insult my intelligence, unlike this effort, which insulted the intelligence of everybody who has ever watched the product before tonight. Unlike last week, where there was enough good to outweigh the bad, all I can remember tonight is the bad because it was all over the show.

Zach Gowen gets his what, third chance at a contract? Bradshaw comes to SmackDown from Raw with no explanation? Steph is a face and Vince is a heel when they admit they're exactly alike? Can we get some real direction for this damn show already?

Any comments can be sent to me at the usual addy, and don't forget to check out the archives for more JHawk's goodness.
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