Raw from JHawk's Beak

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Raw from JHawk's Beak (10/21/2002)

by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

 

This, that, and other stuff: It's been a weird weekend, with the Cleveland Browns actually winning (!), a World Series that doesn't involve the New York Yankees (!!!), and some people--on this site anyway--who were pleasantly surprised at No Mercy (!!!!!). Of course, some of those people were actually referring to a video game with a similar title, but you can't have it all. Anyway, I missed the show last night, but I tend to agree with Dames more often than not on things like that, so I'll take his word on it.

 

And while on the subject of reviews, yours truly was going to do a column in tribute to the Intercontinental Title, but I'm afraid time ended up getting away from me and I never got around to it. However, I'm planning on several super secret reviews for the Pop Culture section over the next week or two, and though they're all wrestling related, it may help you decide how to spend that 10 bucks you're not spending on NWATNA (and should have been prior to X Champion X-Pac).

 

Tonight: Four matches announced as of 4:30 p.m. Eastern:

 

1. Rob Van Dam/Kane vs. Triple H/Ric Flair

2. Booker T/Goldust/Trish Stratus vs. Christian/Chris Jericho/Victoria

3. Singapore Cane Match: Al Snow vs. Tommy Dreamer

4. Jeff Hardy vs. Christopher Nowinski

 

Three guesses as to which match I'm actually looking forward to. Actually, I'd be watching Girls Club for the hotness factor alone if not for this little recapping gig.

 

And tonight...the return of the HHHater Clock!

 

Segment 1

 

Fuck, they're focusing on the asinine murder storyline right off the bat. Well, at least they're sticking to something for a change.

 

*LIVE

GAYLORD ENTERTAINMENT CENTER

NASHVILLE, TN*

 

Hungry Hungry Hippos (w/The Man WHOO!) is out right from the start. Tonight, Shawn Michaels will be interviewed live from the World! But first, let's let Trips bore us for about fourteen hours. He has a message for the boys in the back, the fans, the writers (that's me) who said he didn't deserve to be handed the title..."Screw you." Not with Stephanie's dick, Trips. Last night, he ended 23 years of Intercontinental history. "I do what I want to do when I want to do it, and there's not a damn thing anybody can do about it." Oh, Steph, break up with him...please! I mean, if Jamie Noble said that on the air, scripted or not, he'd be fired. He thinks he's the best ever, when the guy in the ring with him should have something to say about that. Last night was "one more nail in Katie Vick's coffin. And speaking of Katie Vick..." Kane's not here yet, Hunter hopes he hasn't killed someone in a car accident, and the crowd boos because THE ANGLE IS PISSING EVERYBODY OFF! Wait! Hunter has a videotape! Rape footage. KILL THE FUCKING ANGLE NOW! RIGHT FUCKING NOW! Out comes The Hurricane to try to save face, and he hits a "botched" neckbreaker and grabs the tape, but Flair stops him, and Hunter's going to get a beating in. This one's for free. Hunter promises to show the tape later tonight. Great, more guaranteed fucking air time.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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HHHater Clock: 1 segment, 7:02 (not counting the pre-interview video package). Kill this angle right now. You've been on the air less than 10 minutes, and I'm ready to not only flip to Girls Club, but tape Monday Night Football and send the armies marching to Titan Tower at dawn. We've said for two weeks that this angle isn't what we want, much like Hunter having the belt and the airtime in the first damn place, and you're telling us that we don't matter. Well, you lost millions of dollars last quarter, even with your fudged up numbers (and every public company fudges up the numbers), and that's not from the people who like the current direction. Unless Hurricane gets elevated out of all of this, then fuck you and your Days of our Lives bullshit and see if you ever get any of my hard-earned money again. Rant over (for now).

 

By the way, go Colts! (I hate the fucking Steelers.)

 

Segment 2

 

One fall: Mr. Extreme vs. Christopher Nowinski

 

After the opening segment, I won't bitch about Jeff Hardy being on my TV. Christ, put him against The Big Show again. Anything but more Katie Vick. And no, I'm not joking. Nowinski with a snap mare early. Wrestling sequence, advantage Nowinski. Shoulderblock, but Hardy uses Nowinski's momentum to send him over the top rope and goes over the top onto his opponent. Hardy back in, but Nowinski drapes him throat first over the top rope and takes control. Series of elbowdrops and a cover for 2. Hardy actually gets a Thesz press for 2. Nowinski regains control and takes Hardy over with an Oklahoma roll for 2. Gutwrench into a stomachbreaker for 2. Whip into the turnbuckle. Nowinski sets up a suplex, but Hardy counters with an inside cradle for 2. Nowinski quickly regains control and gets a couple of near falls. Remember, Velocity and Confidential are two hours early this week. Hotshot by Nowinski gets 2. Double underhook into a twisting slam for 2. Whip, and a backdrop is telegraphed, so Hardy slides down and kicks Nowinski in the face. Series of chops, and the sitout jawbreaker. Double legdrop to the groin, and up goes Hardy, but Nowinski rolls out of the ring. Hardy hits a plancha. Hardy back in, Nowinski grabs a chair, but here comes Al Snow to keep him from using. Hardy dropkicks the chair into Nowinski's face, and he climbs up for the Swanton with Chris on the chair, but Snow pulls Nowinski out of the way. Hardy hits the chair, and Nowinski looks shocked, but covers for the win at 5:54. Much better than it had any right to be.

 

Easy E is backstage watching footage of The Big Show kicking the shit out of him, when in comes My Future Wife. She wants to referee tonight, and as long as it's not the main event, it's OK. And in comes The Too Damn Big Show, and Bisch wants to apologize and gives Show a match with Rico...and Jamal...and Rosey...in a 3-on-1 handicap match. And there's nothing Show can do about it. Show ain't happy.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Even Jeff looking somewhat sloppy didn't take away from Nowinski's performance tonight, although I'm still not getting the point of the Snow-Nowinski thing. Snow's still wrestling tonight, so maybe we'll get a better idea later tonight. Good opener though.

 

Stacy gets to referee tonight in that skimpy little referee's outfit! And every straight male rejoices!

 

So let me get this straight. Eric Bischoff is Vince McMahon, The Big Show is Stone Cold Steve Austin, and the fans are bored. Got it.

 

Segment 3

 

Tommy F'N Dreamer asks Snow why he cost him the match last week, and Snow said he just didn't want Nowinski to get hurt. And here comes Nowinski to say "Thanks but no thanks," because he doesn't need Snow's help.

 

Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall to determine the top contenders to the World Tag Team Championship: Lance Storm/William Regal vs. The New but not necessarily Improved Dudley Boyz

 

Lawler points out that the Canadian flag is upside down. Oops. Lance Storm looks like Ken Shamrock in the short red trunks. The Un-Americans are finished, says Storm, but he and Regal are together because the U.S. is nothing but a zoo filled with crazed savages. Regal agrees, claiming people are afraid of leaving home. When will we listen? Hell, you're preaching to the choir. Storm and Spike start, and we actually get some wrestling as the "We want tables" chant starts. Nice crucifix type move from Spike for an early 2. Even JR appears sick of talking about Katie Vick as Spike gets a clothesline for 2. Bubba in with a headlock, and a wrestling sequence ends with a Bubba Ray Dudley swinging neckbreaker. A reversal of a whip, and Regal hits a shot to the back of the head. Bubba sells it like he got hit with a cinder block or something. Nice to see they're pushing the concussion. Meanwhile, Kane has arrived, seemingly unaware of the videotape we're going to see at the top of the hour. Meanwhile, Spike covers Regal and Storm makes the save. Wuzzup Headbutt, but Storm makes the save, so Spike ranas him over. Shot by Regal and he covers Spike for 2. Bubba blocks Storm's superkick and turns into a Bubba Bomb, and Spike hits the Dudley Dawg to pin Regal at 3:27. After the match, Storm hits Bubba in the head, and he holds Spike for Regal to use the Power of the Punch. Spike "bleeds" from the mouth.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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And here I thought they were going to push Regal and Storm. Interesting. I mean, Regal and Storm could have gotten a tag team title shot and played off of the former Un-Americans with Christian on the other side, but instead we try to push Bubba Ray Dudley again. Well, at least it was Spike who scored the pin, as he's the Dudley I like, but damn, push Regal and Storm for them dammit!

 

Segment 4

 

This is Nashville, home of the nWo's first birthday party.

 

Trish the Cheating Bitch is doing a photo shoot, and Y2J(2) and ChrisTIAN bring up her relationship with Vince McMahon as proof she slept her way to the top. Oh TAG! Jericho wants her to give Booker a message. He's not a sucka, but a huge rock star. Jericho thinks Trish wants "an injection of vitamin C".

 

And here comes Easy E, and for the love of God, say that if the tape is played, Hunter gets fired. He loves each and every one of us (and I'm so marking out for that), and apparently, Steph will find out at Survivor Series what happens when you try to out-promote Bischoff. Because at Survivor Series, it's the match that could only come from the mind of Eric Bischoff....the Elimination Chamber. That better be the WWE version of War Games, but he doesn't tell us.

 

STACY! STACY'S REFEREEING NEXT! Sorry, I got excited.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Now in the role of Joey from Friends...Chris Jericho. And again, the crowd doesn't care. They were so quiet that I'm wondering if they even saw the segment.

 

And like I just said, this "elimination chamber" had better be War Games. Maybe with a Survivor Series stip that a submission is simply one elimination and they keep going. Maybe I should be the WWE Raw head booker. Not explaining it isn't going to add PPV buys though. Not saying what the Rest in Peace Match was didn't do jack for SummerSlam 93.

 

Segment 5

 

Batista is coming to Raw.

 

With My Future Wife as special guest referee: D'Lo Brown vs. Test

 

And here comes my least favorite wrestler, and not just because his matches suck. Test is wearing trunks, believe it or not. Stacy slaps D'Lo and the match is underway. Holy shit, what a backdrop by Test! Test with the Stacy Boot Choke. You mean Stacy is training Test now? How pathetic. Full nelson, but D'Lo ducks and kicks Test down. Clotheslines, and the jumping heel kick. Bodyslam, and the Shaky Shaky Legdrop. Stacy with a slow 2 count. JR: "It's only a two hour show." Of course, it's Test in control. D'Lo avoids the Pumphandle Slam and hits the Sky High, but Stacy decides to tie her shoe instead of count. A Big Boot by Test, and a fast count wins it at 2:21. And Stacy mounts her honey. I think they're actively trying to piss me off tonight.

 

Someone Feed Terri is with Victoria to talk about Trish, and Victoria is sticking to her story that Trish hosed her. Goldust comes behind her. "The truth is, girlfriend..." Victoria is pissed, and here comes Booker T. "What up, dawg?" "Are you calling me a dog?" Booker: "You can't spell Jericho without H-O HOOOOOO!" Goldust slaps her ass on the way out. Intergender action next!

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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I'll say one good thing about that segment. At least D'Lo was on Raw. But really, what does Stacy see in Test that I don't have? Besides big muscles, long hair, good looks, a job, money...OK, I'm digging my own grave here. In reality, I don't hate Test (and I'm in the minority, I know), but if he's not going to get a push and a chance on his own, then why bother? There are guys more in need of a manager than Test right now. Test has enough charisma that he could get over on his own if he got a clean win over someone a bit higher on the card. That doesn't mean I really want him pushed, however, just making a point.

 

Segment 6

 

I could tell the replay of the women's title finish was edited, and I didn't even watch the show.

 

Intergender Six Person Tag Team Match: Trish the Cheating Bitch (WWE Women's Champion) and Goldust/Booker T vs. Victoria and ChrisTIAN/Y2J(2) (World Tag Team Champions)

 

I should be timing these entrances, because they might end up going longer than the actual match. Trish and Victoria are in a catfight right from the get-go. And Trish attacked first. Little Miss Princess. Victoria tags Christian, and the men can wrestle the women tonight. Slap by Trish, she ducks a charge, and Booker is tagged in. Chop, chop, chop, and Booker goes after Jericho. Christian is legal though, so Booker will simply kick him down and cover for 2. Booker knocks Jericho off the apron, but Victoria drapes his throat over the top rope and Christian dumps him over the top rope. Booker is apparently Ricky Morton tonight. Huge chant for Booker as Jericho works Booker over. Booker gets the floatover sunset flip for 2, but Jericho regains control. Tag to Christian. Booker tries a comeback, but is stopped by a knee to the midsection and a cover for 2. Chinlock, and the crowd actually rallies behind Booker instead of falling asleep. Tag to Jericho, and he goes for Booker's leg. Series of punches, but here comes Booker with forearms. And a form of Bob Holly's Alabama Slam buys Booker some time. HOT TAG to Goldust! Backdrop! Atomic drop for Christian. A shot for Victoria. Powerslam for Jericho, and Goldust covers for 2. Bulldog headlock for 2. Trish tags herself in and hits Jericho with a flying bodypress for 2. Christian pulls Trish outside, and even though it's legal the crowd boos. Goldust puts Jericho on top, Victoria stops it, so Goldust kisses Victoria. Trish takes Jericho off the turnbuckle with the handstand headscissors, but Jericho with a clothesline and a Walls of Jericho to force Trish to submit in 7:06. Jericho refuses to release, and Booker makes the save. Again, it's within the rules, yet we're still supposed to boo Jericho. Sorry, not happening here.

 

Hunter is in the production truck, and he says not to play it until he says so.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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HHHater Clock: 2 segments, 7:16 overall.

 

I fail to see the point of this match. I didn't see the point of pushing Jericho as the heel here when the intergender bit is part of the rules. "He wouldn't release the hold, that bastard!" Eh, I hate intergender matches anyway, but since this builds nothing except Jericho vs. Trish (and I don't see how anybody could want to see that unless they're completely out of their frickin' mind), call it a complete waste of my time.

 

Segment 7

 

Good Ol' JR and The Pharaoh are hosting toight, and Lawler wants to see the tape. You're the only one, Kingfish.

 

Terri is hoping to hear from Kane after we see the footage.

 

Coach is with Hunter, and he wants to know why. Hunter just wants to show the world to see exactly what Kane did ten years ago. Viewer discretion is advised. And it's pretty obvious that Triple H is wearing Kane's mask in this video. "Kane" says if he'd have just gotten to touch her in that car then he wouldn't have swerved and killed her. This is taking way too long for the point...oh yeah, there is no point, and you can actually hear the crowd getting completely freaking annoyed with this. And we censor "Kane" touching "Katie's" breasts. You know what my watch is saying? CUT THE FUCKING TAPE! Um...Hunter...they don't do autopsies after the funeral, so even if I thought this was a real tape, you're kind of hurting your own case here. I think this is a good time to pimp my Amazon wishlist, because there is nothing of note to see here (and because I think I've earned some free shit for sitting through this). And the crowd reaction has to be piped in, because there's no way this is getting a bigger reaction than the "Have a Bad Day" skits did. And there's the "I screwed your brains out" sight gag just to make this totally sickening. Back live, Hunter laughs about it and storms off.

 

Terri assumes that Kane won't talk, but Terri tries anyway...and gets the door slammed in her face.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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HHHater Clock: 3 segments, 14:34. Number of times JHawk was bored and pissed at the same time: 2. We don't care. We didn't care two weeks ago, we don't care now, and the match last night sucked by all accounts, so we don't want to see another match between them. Notice that once they got the PTC off their backs, the shows actually became everything the PTC said they were? Allow me to paraphrase one of my favorite movies, Major League.

 

Lawler: "You can't show a fake Kane grabbing a dead woman's puppies on TV!"

 

JR: "Who cares, King? Nobody's watching anymore anyway!"

 

Segment 8

 

Singapore Cane Match: Al Snow vs. Tommy F'N Dreamer

 

Lawler is laughing just to make us think we're supposed to give a shit about the previous segment. Cane shot, cane shot, rinse lather repeat. Dreamer to the floor, Snow hops off the apron, and Dreamer catches him with...you guessed it...a cane shot. Snow with a Northern Lights suplex on the floor. Back in, and Dreamer gets a kick to the groin. JR: "You know we're going to get heat for it [the tape]." Out comes Christopher Nowinski, and he allegedly aims for Dreamer but hits Snow instead, and that gets Dreamer the win in 2:22. Well, that's the match I wanted to see, so that's the match they decided to fuck up.

 

There's a three-on-one handicap match next if you're actually still watching.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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You know, even with all the soap opera bullshit, I can be entertained overall if you give me some solid wrestling matches. And they got my hopes with a surprisingly good opener. But this show has gone downhill and downhill fast since the Jeff Hardy-Nowinski match ended, and when was the last time you heard that in regards to a Jeff Hardy match? This is one show that desperately needs the main event to save it, and sadly, Katie Vick (or Fick, I've stopped caring about how the hell they want it spelled) will probably overshadow RVD, who is the only person in the match that anybody gives a shit about.

 

Segment 9

 

Survivor Series tickets go on sale Saturday, and Eric Bischoff will be at the box office to sign autographs. And it's at MSG, so they'll sell out and Vince will insist the product's doing well. Try booking Philly with this crap.

 

3 on 1 handicap match: Three Minutes and Rico vs. The Too Damn Big Show

 

Rico charges, then the Samoans, and Show beat the hell out of all three of them. Well, way to push the Samoans here. Rico: "We'll circle his fucking ass!" They attack one at a time (nWo style, I call it), so Show keeps them at bay. Out go Jamal and Rosey, so Rico is getting the hell beat out of him all by his lonesome. Show teases the Choke Slam, and here come Jamal and Rosey for the save. Aren't there tags in a handicap match? Finally, the numbers are too great for Show, until they stupidly pull him up to his feet. Out go Rosey and Rico, down go the straps, and down goes Jamal to the Choke Slam in 2:53. Goodbye, sweet heat, we hardly knew ye. Next week, Big Show loses to Jeff Hardy again.

 

The Holy Bible Kid is in his wheelchair.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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So let me get this straight. We spent months pushing Jamal and Rosey to be these unstoppable monsters, they team with Rico against one opponent, and then they all lose freaking Paul Wight, who hasn't won a TV match in months, in under three minutes. And they wonder why nobody cares about anybody on the entire roster. Total filler, and crap filler at that.

 

Segment 10

 

Coach is with Big Show, but Bischoff says Show has been traded, and he'll be hearing from his attorney. Show: "Don't feel sorry for me. You've still got to work for that asshole." Meanwhile, The Hurricane opens a car trunk and stands guard.

 

Let's go to the World, and after clips of SummerSlam, HBK is in his wheelchair on the stage at the World. From Saliva to Shawn Michaels. That's one hell of an upgrade. HBK remembers the match at SummerSlam, but the rehab is going slow. HBK has nothing left to prove, but everything he does is a testament to God and his family, so quitting is not an option. Is it 11:07 yet? HBK promises to get HHH at some point, and he gets out of his wheelchair! HE CAN WALK! IT'S A MIRACLE! Now send money Pat Robertson, in care of the 700 Club...or better yet, send it to me so I can waste it on Stacy Keibler posters.

 

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I'd say "Sorry, Dr. Tom," but after having to watch this shit for the last two hours, I'm glad somebody else is going to feel my pain. But to hell with SmackDown, send him back to Ohio Valley and let him spend the next six years of his contract jobbing to Doug Basham.

 

Sadly, the HBK interview does nothing except push Triple by gawd H, and I'm going to be nice and not include it on the HHHater Clock just because that would require me to care enough to look at my watch for something besides asking "How long until the show's over?"

 

Segment 11

 

Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: The Man WHOO! and Hungry Hungry Hippos (World Heavyweight Champion) vs. Rob...Van...Dam and Kane

 

Lawler says he's going to wrestle in Memphis tomorrow. Isn't that a SmackDown taping? I'm amazed that Flair came out before Hunter. That cut 45 seconds off of his airtime, he might go under 35 minutes now. JR is actually saying exactly why Hunter is not a credible World Champion, and Lawler keeps trying to cut him off. Funny how RVD is the only guy this crowd wants to see tonight and this is his first on-camera appearance all night. All four in the ring to brawl to start. Some pretty nice teamwork by the faces, and eventually it's Flair and RVD one-on-one. Stepover heel kick by RVD as HHH gets beaten up by Kane on the floor. RVD with the cartwheel moonsault (called "rolling thunder" by JR) for 2. Kane sends HHH into the ring, and Hunter knocks him off the apron. RVD with a spin kick to HHH, and he heads up top but gets knocked off. Legal men? What legal men? On the floor, Hunter sends RVD ass first into the ringsteps. And this time Flair sends him into the steps and rolls him in so Hunter can cover for 2. Suplex by Hunter for 2, and JR makes a comment about Mae Young giving birth to a hand. It's WrestleCrap night on Raw! Flair in and chopping away at RVD. Irish whip, elbowsmash, tag to HHH. RVD actually punches his way out of it, but Hunter gets a high knee for 2. Flair back in, and he punches RVD down. Flair whips RVD into Hunter's knee, and a tag to HHH. Suplex attempted, but RVD floats over and stumbles into a rolling reverse cradle for 2. But seconds later, it's the Sleeper of Supreme Suckitude! RVD breaks it, HHH tags Flair, and RVD catches Flair with a kick to the face. But it's still too early for the hot tag, and Flair heads up top, and even JR says "This never works. He's done this for 20 years and it's never worked." And it didn't. But RVD still can't tag. Tag to HHH, and they beat on RVD in the corner. A weak RVD chant is the first reaction since the bell. Both men down, RVD finally tags, but Flair had Earl Hebner distracted, so no tag called. But of course, Flair and HHH switch with no tag and Hebner allows it. Kneedrop by Flair for 2. RVD with a desperation kick, and tags on both sides. Kane immediately off the top with a flying clothesline. Backdrop for Flair. Side slam for HHH. Kane no-sells Flair's chops, and Kane has him and Hunter by the throat, but they get a low blow in. But Kane with a double clothesline, and a tag to RVD. Flair crotches RVD on the top rope. Flair with a low blow as Hebner is more concerned with the floor than the ring. Back suplex. Kane and HHH brawl to the back. Flair goes for the figure-four, but RVD counters with an inside cradle for 2. RVD up top with a jumping side kick, and the rolling thunder is followed by the Five Star Frog SPlash for the pin in 12:22. Immediately cut backstage, when Kane is beating the hell out of Hunter, tossing him into the set and a Pepsi machine. Kane tries to throw him into a car, but Hunter reverses it. Pedigree is blocked with a double-leg that Hunter refused to bump for (we're talking Mil Mascaras taking a Mick Foley backbreaker non-bump here), then he's slingshotted into the car and choke slammed into the car. Kane dumps Hunter in the trunk to a slight murmer from the crowd, and Hurricane shuts the lid. Kane: "Now, I'm going to screw YOU! The only question is: will you still be alive, or will I just wait until you're dead?" And they drive off.

 

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END OF SHOW

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Final tally on the HHHater Clock: 4 segments, 32:22 (12:22 of it wrestling time, and only counting on-screen time). The match was boring as hell, although RVD being in the ring as long as he was is about the only good decision made by the writing team all night. Hey, Kane's final line was pretty good. That doesn't change the fact that the main event sucked, the whole damn storyline sucks, and this feud has no real heat. Somebody who's there (if any of them are still WWE fans at this point) will have to tell me if those TV crowd pops were legit or not, because I don't see any way that anybody not completely drunk off their ass could pop for that shit. Different strokes, I guess.

 

Overall, the match of the night was Jeff Hardy-Christopher Nowinski, as sad as that is, and we have a tie for worst match--everything else except the intergender tag, which was only decent itself.

 

This show has had a nice long run (10 years is a long time), but you could probably replace this with two hours of the old Tuesday Night Titans format right now, and I'm not sure anybody would care enough to notice. This makes three just plain awful shows in a row (and that's probably being generous), and short of Big Show getting every single segment of every SmackDown, I doubt Raw's going to top it anytime soon.

 

The only saving grace is JR's comments. I don't know if he's being told to agree with us smart marks or what, but he spent the entire night talking about how asinine the main storyline is while Lawler was like "WHOO HOO! Dead chick's puppies, JR! WHOO HOO! Necrophilia!" The only reason I'm not sick to my stomach after watching this show is I stop eating about 4 hours before showtime.

 

If you want to heap the praise, or you actually are morbid enough to actually have liked this show, wou can let me know about it at [email protected]