Raw from JHawk's Beak

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Raw from JHawk's Beak (12/9/2002)

by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

 

Congatulations to all the winners in the first annual TSM awards. A special thank you to the one person who voted for me for best writer. Your check's in the mail.

 

Before we get to Raw, congratulations to my Cleveland Browns for their thrilling last-second win over the Jaguars yesterday. Also, special thanks to the Houston Texans for beating the Steelers and giving my Browns an outside chance of grabbing a division title. Yes, it's still unlikely the Browns are going to make it in, but I've had to deal with the Ravens and the Patriots in back-to-back years, so I'd at least like a chance to root for somebody rather than against somebody this year.

 

My brother sent me a sign for me to hang up on my wall, and after the week I had, I felt it was appropriate...

 

Jared's Rules:

 

Rule No. 1. Jared is always right.

Rule No. 2. If Jared is wrong, see rule #1.

 

Just a little humor before the crapfest that is Raw. I've admitted to being wrong in these recaps before, and I'm sure I will be again.

 

And speaking of Raw, we have a show tonight, and I haven't seen the wwe.com preview, but I'm sure the HHHater Clock will be in full force tonight since Hunter's chance at regaining the title is the only Raw match that's ever been announced on TV for a pay-per-view that's less than a week away. And they wonder why buyrates and attendance are dropping.

 

Segment 1

 

We begin in the ring at the Thompson-Boling Arena in Knoxville, Tennessee, and Easy E and Chief Morley are in the ring. They have two people to introduce, and they're on the Titantron...the Holy Bible Kid and Hungry Hungry Hippos. Wow, Hunter actually got heat for once! No word whether it's heel heat or "Great, we already have to see this boring person" heat. Anyway, Bischoff has announced that their match at Armageddon will be two out of three falls. Oh joy, give Hunter even more TV time! 1st Fall: Street Fight. 2nd Fall: Steel Cage Match. 3rd Fall (if necessary): Ladder match. Did I hear boos to that stipulation? The feud WILL end at Armageddon, and the end is near. Cue the Armageddon theme music.

 

Yours hosts are Good Ol' Hoss Lovin' JR and The Pharaoh. Speaking of hosses, read Dr. Tom's latest column on the abundance of hoss pushes.

 

Tag Team Match scheduled for one fall: Black Gold vs. Lance Storm and William Regal

 

Could they have actually listened to me and given Storm and Regal 10 minutes? At Armageddon, these two teams are in a four way elimination match with The Dudleys and Christian and Chris Jericho for the Tag Team Titles. Booker and Storm to start. Wrestling sequence to start. Storm comes in with knees, but Book is back with a clothesline. Leg lariat gets 1. Tag to Goldust. Goldust works the arm, but Storm breaks with a knee and tags Regal. Goldust fends off both men, but Regal backdrops Goldust over and sends him to the floor. Storm works the back and rolls him in, and now it's Regal working over the back. "USA" chant. Storm in, and a back suplex for 2. Into a chinlock with a knee to the back for leverage. Goldust comes back and goes for a slam, but his back gives out and Storm falls on top for 2. Goldust is able to get a hot tag and work over both men. Spinning leg lariat to Regal, and Booker gets bleeped before Storm comes after him. Booker gets a spinebuster for 2. Series of chops. Flapjack by Booker, and SPINNAROONIE Tony. A leg lariat misses, but the scissor kick doesn't. Cover, but Regal with the save and the crowd boos. Double whip, Goldust with a blind tag, and he works over both men. He has Regal in the corner...Shattered Dreams. Powerslam to Storm and a very long 2 count. Storm coming back, but Goldust holds Storm for Booker's leg lariat. Cover and a save by Regal. Storm rolling up with a cradle, but he turns it into a sharpshooter...and Goldust taps out at 5:26. Good match, and it's about time they got more than three minutes. **

 

Coach catches the losers in the aisle, and he reminds them that they always come up short in title matches. Booker threatens to turn Coach into a microphone stand and walks off. Goldust blames himself and calls himself the weak link. And he's going to ask Bischoff to give Booker a new partner...and the crowd boos.

 

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HHHater Clock: 1 segment, 2:23, but thankfully he kept his mouth shut. I like the three stages of hell stipulation, but quite frankly, this smells of "We're pushing Hunter to win the title with a Superman effort so you WILL react to him dammit."

 

Pretty solid opener, but why split up the Goldust-Booker team (if that's the plan)? They're way over, they're pretty much the only team that makes sense to win that fatal four way match, and yet they're going to split them up? On the bright side, my initial thought was that Goldust was going to blame Booker and turn heel, so at least it's not what's expected.

 

Segment 2

 

Tonight, the Dudleys and Trish vs. Jericho, Christian, and Victoria in a tables match.

 

Janet the Makeup Lady sees Trish the Cheating Bitch reading Hulk Hogan's book, and Y2J+2 comes in and creates his own ending where he goes over Hogan. Works for me. Then he tells Trish that he's willing to give Trish a healthy dose of Vitamin C. Trish says it sounds nutritious, especially freshly squeezed, but maybe it should be "Vitamin Wee". Jericho gives a mock laugh, but putting her through a table will be funnier. Didn't we drop this a month ago?

 

Rob...Van...Dam is on the phone (to a huge uncanned pop...trust me, you can tell), and in comes Bischoff to claim his phone line. RVD says if they won't do anything about RVD being screwed over, then he wouldn't mind if RVD used his chair. RVD is Batista's sacrificial lamb tonight. Oh by the way...when Bisch came in and hung up...that was the call he was expecting...Scott Steiner. RVD: "What a short temper. I can't believe you hung up on him."

 

Big Stevie Cool is ready for a match with Jacqueline, and Victoria nibbles his ear for luck.

 

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Do we really need to go back to the Trish-Jericho angle? Can any good come out of this? And the dialogue...OK, people think Jericho's got a small penis, we get it already.

 

It appears as if it's official. Rob Van Dam is being buried despite being one of the two most over people on the roster. What exactly did RVD do (storyline-wise) to be fed to Batista? Bisch gave the impression that the match was already scheduled, so it can't be the phone thing.

 

And didn't the round of silence Jacqueline got for big win last night convince them that a match with Stevie probably isn't a good idea?

 

Segment 3

 

Trish and Jacky get a triple threat match with Victoria for the Women's Title this Sunday. There's that last minute buyrate.

 

Intergender match scheduled for one fall: Jacqueline vs. Big Stevie Cool

 

I wonder how the Bears and Dolphins are doing? Jacky uses her quickness to avoid Stevie and punch away. Jacky counters a power bomb with an armdrag takedown. Richards finally gets to overpower Jacky, but she counters the StevieT with a Northern Light suplex for 2. NOW Stevie gets an advantage and gets a side slam for 2...foot on the ropes. Up top for a rana, but Jacky crotches him. Tornado DDT, Stevie barely kicks out and I barely avoid a coronary. Stevie drops Jacky onto the top rope. Form of a Pedigree for the win at 2:18, and this was a joke. Postmatch, Victoria takes Jacky down with the Widow's Peak. And here comes Trish. Chick Kick, and Stevie pulls Victoria out to the floor. Jacky is pissed at Trish for her help. This was a waste of a segment. DUD

 

Someone Feed Terri is with Mr. Extreme, who meets HHH tonight. Over the years he's been compared to HBK, so HHH issued the challenge. Hardy calls it an honor to be compared to him, and if he channels just part of him he's good to go. Here comes HBK, who says he's not dead but wishes him luck. Hardy asks for tips, and he says to take advantage when Trips gets full of himself. Hardy offers Shawn ladder match advice.

 

Next is RVD vs. Batista.

 

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Why in the hell are we wasting time with this intergender garbage? It never flies with the live crowd, the purists largely hate it, the liberal ones don't buy it unless you have someone like Chyna involved, and it's a mess. The fact that Jacky was largely able to make Stevie look like a chump here does nothing except make Steivie look weak. I mean, I know we have a three way match to build up to, but come on! I'm surprised they didn't put Jacky over Stevie (and thank God for that).

 

I actually liked the interaction with HBK and Hardy, and something tells me that Jeff is going to be a whipping boy tonight. Sadly, they'll make Hardy look better than RVD did last week before the whipping boy portion.

 

Segment 4

 

One fall: Rob...Van...Dam vs. Don't Call Me Dave Batista (w/The Man WHOO!)

 

JR has just now figured out that Flair has taken Batista under his wing. I know autistic kids who figured it out faster. Lockup, and Batista simply throws RVD down. High throw into the air. Batista with three short clotheslines and a cover for 2. Huge RVD chants. And RVD responds with a springboard side kick. Spinning legdrop, and a rolling thunder for 2. RVD is whipped into the corner, but RVD with a foot to the face. Up top...side kick. Up for the Five Star, but Flair hooks the ankle. Batista dumps RVD throat first onto the top rope and goes for the High Angle Power Bomb, but Kane comes out and causes the DQ at 2:41. Batista wins, but RVD doesn't have to job. Too bad the match was mostly Batista's offense. 1/2*

 

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I'm very impressed that RVD didn't have to be pinned, but I'm saddened that he was essentially squashed prior to that. To those of you who don't think RVD's a sympathetic face: the RVD chant didn't start until RVD was being tossed around the ring. Kind of like the Hogan chants used to be way back when. Anyway, this served as nothing more than a backdrop for the Kane-Batista feud (Batista and Flair vs. RVD and Kane, perhaps?) and as such served its purpose, but RVD's another guy who simply can't do his thing in these three minute specials.

 

Segment 5

 

During the break, Kane was confronted by Chief Morley, who bitches at him for ruining the match. Kane imitates Val Venis, and as a result, Kane gets to face Three Minute Warning in a handicap match. This show's getting worse by the minute.

 

Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: D'Lo Brown and Christopher Nowinski vs. Al Snow and Maven

 

These two teams had a kickass match on Heat last night. Nice pop for the Tough Enough crew. Let's waste no time. Chris runs from Maven as Al works over D'Lo. Double Japanese armdrag by the faces. Snow vs. Nowinski officially. D'Lo tagged in, and Snow armdrags him down. Maven tags in, and D'Lo grabs a headlock. D'Lo with a shoulderblock. Maven is able to get a hold of the arm. Nowinski takes him down from behind, and Maven is your face in peril. Chris begins to kick away at Maven. Chris trips him and tags D'Lo, who begins kicking away at Maven as a "Harvard sucks" chant spreads. Shaky Shaky Legdrop, and D'Lo with a taunt. Tag to Chris, and up top...and Maven counters an axhandle with a dropkick. Tag to Snow, and he's in control. Series of punches in the corner. "We want Head" chant as Snow gets a form of a pumphandle suplex for 2. D'Lo in and down with a backdrop. Double underhook headbutts, and Snow with a Russian legsweep for 2. Double team to Chris, and soon all four are brawling until D'Lo gets Snow in the Sky High for the win at 4:55. The Heat match was a lot better. *

 

Goldust is about ready to enter Bischoff's office, and Booker interrupts. Booker says at first he thought Goldust was a freak, and he was right, but when his back was against the wall, Goldust was there. He's the best partner he's ever had, as well as his friend. So the choice is Goldust's. And Goldust says "Let's do it." And they imitate each other. There we go!

 

Hardy main events Hour 1! Next!

 

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I was quite disappointed with the match. Mostly the booking of it. Not who won or lost, but the story. Last night it was Nowinski running from Maven like a good cowardly heel and cheating to win. Tonight it was just "Let's see what we can do before we go home." Maybe it was Maven being face in peril, maybe it was poor pacing, but I couldn't get into it at all.

 

And at least for now, Goldust and Booker are still partners. Now either we had some pretty solid character development here, or Goldust fucks up Sunday night and one of them ends up turning heel. This was a smashing scene with some brilliant acting, like scene 24 in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

 

Segment 6

 

Watch Armageddon at The World, because we need your money!

 

One fall: Hungry Hungry Hippos (w/The Man WHOO!) vs. Mr. Extreme

 

They're already hyping Hunter as the underdog on Sunday. JR says he once got two straight falls over Austin, so he's got a shot. The last time these two met in this building, Hunter regained the Intercontinental Title from Hardy. Hardy turns his back and gets leveled before the bell. Hardy gets his jawbreaker in. Seated dropkick, and a flying legdrop for 2. Hardy charges and gets met with a clothesline. HHH dumps Hardy to the floor. Hardy fights back, but gets sent into the ringsteps. And again. Back into the ring. Series of punches. Spinebuster slam for 2. Wow, something without the knee! Backbreaker by Hunter, and he pounds Hardy with crossfaces. Over the shoulder backbreaker. Hardy slips out of it and punches back. Flying forearm by Hardy! Springboard, but HHH with kick, Pedigree...and no cover. Another Pedigree. There's the pin at 4:02. About as exciting as it sounds. 1/2* Postmatch, HHH tosses Hardy to the floor. Flair and HHH double team double team him, and an weak HBK chant starts. Hunter grabs a chair, and as Flair chokes Hardy, Michaels slowly walks down the ramp. Hunter's in the ring calling him out...and that was an abrupt break.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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HHHater Clock: 2 segments, 10:28. That was an odd spot for a commercial break, so Hunter might get an EXTRA segment tonight with a "during the break" recap. This was basically Hunter squashing Hardy, and I certainly won't bitch about Jeff Hardy getting squashed. However, Shawn walking down the aisle and Hunter bullying a guy who can't even tag into a tag team match doesn't make me want to buy the PPV.

 

Segment 7

 

We're back live, and Hardy is being helped to the back by HBK...and Flair wants to talk to him, promising Hunter won't hit him with a sledgehammer. How nice of him. Flair and Shawn never crossed paths (which is wrong, but OK), and there was a time when Flair would walk through airports and know he was the man. But then one day, some kid said "The man is Shawn Michaels." Shawn Michaels, the Rocker? No, Shawn Michaels the Showstopper. And even Double A said he was a tough act to follow. So Flair had to look in the mirror and admit that while he had the ride of a lifetime, Shawn Michaels was the man. Where is this for someone who needs it? "You WERE the best wrestler alive." Flair didn't tell anybody, but he knew Shawn was better. But he's telling him that there is a new man in town, and three guesses who he means, and the first two don't count. Shawn's still got the physical skills, but he doesn't have the heart or the mind anymore. So he needs to go home and find his comfort zone, then look for a mirror. "You've got to pass the torch, just like I did." Because Sunday, if he doesn't pass the torch, Triple H will kill him. Pretty solid HBK chant here. Shawn actually walks out of the ring and down the aisle without rebuttal...but Hunter has to grab the stick. He says he's taking back "his" title, and he's going to force him to admit that "Now I am the man!" And Shawn keeps walking.

 

Kane has a handicap match NEXT!

 

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HHHater Clock: Three segments, 18:02. Funny how that's the first HHH promo I've enjoyed in months, and Flair did most of the talking. Simply put, Ric Flair did more to sell this feud in eight minutes than HHH has in four months. Without being "intense", without spitting into the microphone. Simply with perfect delivery. And they've got an angle that might just work. Now the catch. This kind of build up almost requires HBK to retain the title on Sunday. Booking 101. But I still doubt that's going happen.

 

Segment 8

 

Raw Retro: Steve Austin challenges Mike Tyson (1/19/1998).

 

JR and The King shill the collector's edition of the Raw magazine and the greatest Raw moment vote.

 

Handicap Match scheduled for one fall: Kane vs. Three Minute Warning (w/Rico)

 

And in they come through the crowd. Kane fights back solidly. Rico grabs the foot, and there's a double shoulderblock. Double suplex, and Jamal covers for 2. Shots to the back, but Kane fights back and powerslams Jamal. Rosey in, and Kane gets to work both men over. DDT to Rosey. And Kane to the top rope...flying clothesline to Jamal. Rico to the apron, and Rosey attacks from behind. Into the corner....avalanche by Jamal, but Kane pulls Jamal in front of Rosey's avalanche. Choke slam to Jamal, and there's the pin at 2:35. Well, so much for their push. DUD In comes Rico, and he wants a choke slam, but Rosey with the save. Samoan drop by Jamal, followed by Rosey...and here comes RVD to a nice pop. Down goes Rico! Down goes Jamal! Rosey with a chair...Van Daminator! Jamal knocks RVD to the floor, but Kane levels Jamal with the chair. Chair aainst the face...Van Terminator by RVD! And everybody is STANDING!

 

Six person table match tonight!

 

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Everytime it seems like they're actually going to give 3MW a decent push, they stick them into a handicap match and basically let them get squashed by some big guy. And to make it worse, they've decided to throw RVD in with Kane for no apparent reason (except maybe to help get Kane over). I honestly don't care if you want to push the Samoans or not, but make up your mind, because this didn't help them, it didn't help RVD, and only time will tell if this helps Kane any.

 

Segment 9

 

My Future Wife is dressed in a sexy Santa suit and is trimming the Christmas tree, and Test sneaks a look under her skirt. But rather than normal decorations, he gets his own Christmas balls. "Blue ones? You've GOT to be kidding!" And we get a Christmas carol to play off Testicles...

 

RNN Breaking News: Randy Orton is at the New York Stock Exchange bringing good cheer to all the women of Wall Street. Oh yeah, send an e-mail and get a form response.

 

Our hosts are going to hype Armageddon. Kurt Angle vs. The Big Show! Jacky vs. Trish vs. Victoria! The Fatal Four Way Elimination Match! Three stages of Hell! And I'll be damned if I'm paying 35 bucks for this shitty lineup!

 

Jericho and ChrisTIAN are looking forward to the match...well, Christian anyway. Jericho says he has a healthy dose of Vitamin C, but Victoria comes in and they argue about who puts Trish through a table tonight. It's NEXT!

 

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More Jericho penis jokes, but Stacy Claus more than makes up for that. The Testicle bit is beginning to get old though. RNN, however, is still largely gold, and although we didn't actually get an update on his condition, he's starting to become very comfortable with that character.

 

Segment 10

 

HBK is backstage, and he finds Flair. But he wants HHH. He wants Flair to tell him The Heartbreak Kid's heart will be waiting in the parking lot.

 

Six person intergender table match: Trish the Cheating Bitch (w/crap music from Hell) and the Reunited Damn Dudley Boyz vs. Victoria (WWE Women's Champion) and Y2J+2/ChrisTIAN (World Tag Team Champions)

 

I'm begging them to bring in some halfway decent women's wrestler from Texas, give her "Rap is Crap" for a theme, and feud with Trish. Tongue firmly in cheek there. Only one opponent has to go through a table. Christian and D-Von starts, and here's the main problem...there's no rules, but we start like a standard tag match. Bubba in, and he backdrops Christian. Flip flop and fly, and Bubba works over all three opponents. Whipping Christian into Victoria in the corner, and an avalanche. Bubba snap mares Victoria, and Wuzzup Headbutt. Jericho in, and he gets slammed...and Trish with a Wuzzup Headbutt to Jericho. "Get the tables" to almost no pop. But because of the time wasting, nothing doing. Bubba sets one table up, gets grabbed by Christian, but miscommunication causes Victoria to hit Christian. Power bomb set up, but Jericho charges...

 

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Jesus, you can't even wait until the spot is over to take the commercial break? Hell, you couldn't even tell JR and Lawler "Hey, we're taking a commercial?" Anyway, a typical start to a standard table match here, but my biggest pet peeve with these matches (besides them largely sucking) is pretending you're going to enforce the tags. By the five minute mark, all hell breaks loose, the no DQ stips become apparent, and you've completely ruined the first part of the match. So far this is nothing special.

 

Segment 11

 

We're back, and Jericho has Bubba in a chinlock as JR blames TNN for the break. And we're back to enforcing tags. Make up your mind already! Victoria starts working over Bubba, but Bubba shoves her aside and gets a side slam. Tag to Trish, but the ref didn't see it. Triple team to Bubba. And Christian is the one who stays in the ring. Jericho in, double teaming, and Bubba fighting back. Jericho counters with a kick and a clothesline. Chokehold. And again. Jericho Juke and Jive, and Bubba is up with a form of a spear. Jericho asks Christian to get a table. Jericho tries to prevent a tag. In goes the table, Jericho puts it against the corner. Forearm smashes. Punches. Whip, reversal, and Jericho bounces off the table but it doesn't break. HOT TAG to D-Von, and here we go! Flying clothesline to Christian. Reverse neckbreaker to Jericho. And in comes Victoria the hard way, and Trish is after him! Table set up, but Jericho moves it before the inverted DDT connects. The non-3D to Jericho. D-Von has Victoria by the air, Bubba brings in a table...and the setup for the Super Bomb. Stevie Richards is out, Bubba drops Victoria onto her head. Stevie with a superplex, but out is Little Spike Dudley to move the table. Here I was starting to forget he was on the roster. Dudley Dawg to Richards. One for Christian, but he gets dumped over! In the ring, double flapjack to Christian! Jericho back in, D-Von behind him..and out come Storm and Regal. And out come Booker T and Goldust. And the match is technically still going. Goldust with Shattered Dreams to Christian. Jericho set up for one, but Regal gets Goldust from behind. D-Von clotheslines Regal. Trish takes Jericho out of the corner with a handstand headscissors, but Jericho with a HARD clothesline. Power bomb, but Booker with the save. Scissor kick. SPINNAROONIE! In comes Storm with a superkick. 3D to Storm. Lawler's begging for the finish, and I gotta agree with him. Victoria is sandwiched between the Dudleys, Trish is up to the top...and she super bombs Victoria through the table for the win at 15:18. About time! Not good AND overbooked. Not a good combination. *

 

Backstage, Hunter and Flair are walking, and they're apparently on their way to the parking lot. They can't find him. Hunter calls for a trash guy...who winds up being Shawn leveling him with a shovel. And Flair gets Sweet Chin Music. And HBK is leveling HHH. Trash can shot. If the crowd's popping for this, then there are no arena mics actually turned on. Hunter gets put in a dumpster, and Shawn climbs a conveniently placed ladder to the top of the equipment truck...and there's the elbow from the truck into the dumpster. There's your turning point. Shawn climbs out of the truck. "How dare you mistake my humulity for weakness?" He says we're going to see the Showstopper on Sunday. And why? Because he can.

 

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END OF SHOW

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If it isn't bad enough to have a table match, let's add six people doing four separate run-ins. It popped the crowd to an extent, but that didn't distract from the match being way below what I expect from the main event of any show. Then again, you have two hours to hype your half of the PPV, so what do you expect? And where exactly was Jacqueline throughout the schmozz though? She becomes an afterthought for Sunday's match, but she should be much more into the foreground with the non-title win if they want us to care she's in there. She could have been the one to chase Victoria into the ring for the finish. If you're going to overbook a match to build a PPV, at least include everybody.

 

Final tally on the HHHater clock: 4 segments, 21:23 (4:02 wrestling time).

 

I'll give the writers all the credit in the world for trying to push Michaels as having a shot to win on Sunday. But allow me to point out the major problem with this segment. HBK went off the truck with the right elbow, but when they got the shot inside the dumpster, he had the left elbow on top of Hunter. Yeah, it's petty, but it's one of those things that shoots the suspension of disbelief to hell and helped drive the nail in WCW's coffin (on top of pushing the wrong people and having a general crappy product).

 

Overall, they took a step forward the last two weeks and two steps back this week. After two weeks of focus on the in-ring product, the focus became the so-called entertainment part of it. I normally hate these pre-PPV shows anyway because the focus is on the buildup, which is rarely in the ring. On top of that, nothing they did here makes me want to buy the PPV. The return of the "Showstopper"? Fine, but he's 2-0, so why would it actually matter?

 

There were some bright spots. The opening tag team match, Stacy's Santa outfit, and Flair's promo.

 

There were downers. Pretty much every other match, the continued focus on "Triple H is better than everybody", and RVD being relegated to teaming with Kane.

 

Where were Dreamer and The Hurricane tonight? Relegated to Heat again? When Jeff Hardy is still on Raw?

 

Doesn't the term "sports entertainment" imply I'm being entertained? Because for the most part I wasn't. And if you weren't either, then read my Today in History column from Saturday and read a review of a good show.

 

Send me your feedback and tell me if you actually enjoyed this show.