Raw from JHawk's Beak (February 17)

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Raw from JHawk's Beak (February 17, 2003)

by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

 

Tonight's Raw recap is being brought to you by Coupling: The Complete First Season on DVD. Coupling is a great BBC sitcom that is, as the BBC describes it: "A show about nothing...but sex." Hilarious all around, and it should be available wherever DVDs are sold in the United States and Great Britain. One week away from Red Dwarf on DVD in the US, baby!

 

But before we begin, I would like to express my condolences to the friends and family of former All-Asia Tag Team Champion Michiaki Yoshimura, who passed away this past Saturday at age 76. I never saw him compete, but from what I understand he was a pretty big name in the 60s and 70s in Japan, even teaming with Shohei "Giant" Baba, Hiro Matsuda, and the legendary Rikidozan. That's a pretty impressive resume there. So please join me in a moment of silence as we toll the bell for Michiaki Yoshimura.

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

 

DING!

Thank you.

 

E-mail of the Week: I had a slow week feedback wise, so let me answer the question from "g nguyen" of Los Angeles, California.

 

i'm thinking about looking into ring of honor any recommendations on which tape/dvd and where to start? (i'd prefer dvd's... any thoughts on that as far as quality goes?) thanks and keep up the good work!

 

I'd start with the Era of Honor Begins, followed by the Round Robin Challenge, and then just keep working from the beginning myself, but as far as shows available on DVD, I'd recommend the double shot of "Road to the Title" and "Crowning a Champion." And I haven't seen it yet since I'm still waiting on the tape, but I've heard great things about Unscripted as well. But realistically, I haven't seen a bad show from ROH yet. As always, you can be immortalized in the E-mail of the Week by sending me feedback at the usual address at the end of the column.

 

Also, a quick thank you to both Stephen Popick and Gord Knowles for informing me that "GGW" is, of course, "Girls Gone Wild". I would still like to know exactly who would want to see Test's tits, but then again, I don't work for WWE.

 

That's WWE logic for you: Let me get this straight. D'Lo Brown was doing a decent job as color commentator on Heat. They take him off of there so he can wrestle more, yet don't do anything with him. Finally, they give him the stupid racism angle. D'Lo actually starts getting the angle over on his own, so he was given Teddy Long as a mouthpiece. Long killed the momentum, so D'Lo isn't getting the contract renewed. Meanwhile, Long gets to manage Redd Dogg (or whatever they're calling him this week). So the manager kills the angle, and the wrestler gets sent packing? If I ever start agreeing with these booking decisions, check the temperature in Hell for me.

 

Tonight: Scott Steiner and Booker T meet Triple H and Batista, and by all accounts, Triple H can't even go up and down the ringsteps in timely fashion (timely meaning the same as anybody who isn't a roided up cripple). This is nearly guaranteed to be mostly Batista and Booker against each other for most of the night. This can't be good. Why, oh why couldn't this episode of Raw have been in Washington, D.C. or someplace so it could have just been cancelled? And are ticketholders allowed to have their money back if they're snowed in and can't make the show?

 

Segment 1

 

L-I-V-E from the Nationwide Arena in snowy Columbus, Ohio, hometown of the National Champion Ohio State Buckeyes! I've always wanted to say that! It actually looks like a good turnout too. Austin returns on Sunday (which has nothing to with tonight), plus that huge tag team main event!

 

One fall: Rob......................Van....................Dam (w/Kane) vs. Lance Storm (one half of the World Tag Team Champions--w/William Regal)

 

These four men meet in a World Tag Team Title match at No Way Out, so consider this a preview. Go-behind sequence to start, with Storm getting a snap mare. Counter sequence, and a stepover kick from RVD. Lockup, Storm gets the advantage in the corner. RVD flips over a charge and gets a springboard bodyblock for 2. RVD to the apron and he tries a suplex, but Storm lands on the apron and is able to send RVD into the guardrail with a faceslam. In the ring, and the springboard clothesline for 2. It's been awhile since we've seen that one. Storm continues to maul RVD in the corner. RVD rolls under a clothesline and gets a dropkick for 2. Storm regains control. Legdrop for 2. Into a cross facelock. Storm turns it into a reverse chinlock. RVD to his feet. Reversal of a whip, Storm with a kick to the chest, but RVD gets in a spinning leg lariat. Trading forearms in the ring, and RVD with a legsweep. Series of clotheslines, then to the corner...springboard side kick for 2. Storm goes for a Northern Lights suplex, but RVD counters with a kick and hits a standing moonsault for 2. Storm sends RVD to the ropes and hits the rolling half crab (about damn time!). RVD is able to make it to the ropes. RVD gets a spinning kick, and there's the rolling thunder! Storm reaches the ropes at 2. Storm with a Hotshot, but RVD catches him coming with a spinning leg lariat. RVD wants the Five Star, but Regal stops it long enough to allow Storm to crotch RVD on the top. Storm goes for the superplex, but RVD shoves him off...Five Star Frog Splash for the pin at 7:19! Good opener! ***

 

Backstage, the Holy Bible Kid and Mr. Extreme are backstage, and in comes Easy E. HBK wishes Bischoff luck against Stone Cold, and Hardy chuckles, which pisses Bischoff off. He's on his way to the ring, and maybe they're the ones who will need good luck by the end of the night.

 

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We finally got a good match to open Raw after how many weeks, and sadly, that's probably the best it's going to get tonight from an in-ring standpoint. Not great from a "work a body part" standpoint, but some good moves, some neat counter sequences, and the return of Storm's springboard clothesline and rolling half crab! We need more of this!

 

Segment 2

 

And Eric Bischoff is on his way to the ring to talk to the fans in Columbus. For his first official act as the "new GM of Raw", Bischoff has some unifinished business with someone the fans are dying to see. They're teasing Austin bigtime here. Of course, it's just Chief Morley, and if I'd have gone to this show I'd be highly pissed right now. Morley is officially reinstated, which means nothing from last week's Raw actually means jack right now. Morley kisses Bischoff's ass to a round of boos. Bischoff doesn't want the fans' support because they booed him last week when he needed the support. The initial firing had made all the wrestlers happy, and Bischoff's sick of people laughing at him and hoping he gets his ass kicked. Like Shawn Michaels and Jeff Hardy last segment. As a result, they will be teaming up in this ring against Christian and Chris Jericho in a no disqualification match. That could be interesting, actually. Now to the Dudley Boyz. Want to see someone go through a table? Well, not tonight, because the Dudleys have been suspended and thrown out of the building. Here's the footage. Um...this time they didn't do anything to warrant being suspended except be at the building. Even Bill Watts wasn't that strict. But Spike is still here. He enjoyed the 3-on-1 so much last week, he gets Three Minute Warning and Rico in a handicap match. THE FEUD WAS BLOWN OFF LAST WEEK...damn this booking. Bischoff now puts over his martial arts background, because tonight, Bisch is going to treat us to competing in this ring tonight. The opponent? "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.....................'s best friend, Jim Ross. OK, that one was a blatant bait and switch.

 

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Jesus Christ, are they trying to get this show cancelled? OK, the no DQ tag team match could be interesting if Jeff Hardy isn't totally inept tonight. But the entire purpose of the handicap match last week was to blow off the damn feud, and they're pissing that away with another handicap match, and none of these have been good yet, so why would it be any different now? And Bischoff vs. JR? Who in God's name thought this was actually a good idea? Who the hell does that benefit, anyway? And why am I asking so many questions when I know nobody's going to answer me? My head hurts.

 

Segment 3

 

Victoria and Steven Richards are walking backstage, and Richards wants Victoria to team with Jazz. I thought she was at the World tonight. Anyway, Victoria doesn't want Jazz's help. Jazz was there to take out Trish and be the most dominant female in WWE. Victoria: "I AM the Women's Champion." Jazz: "For now."

 

Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Jacqueline and Molly Holly vs. Victoria (WWE Women's Champion--w/Steven Richards) and Jazz

 

Remember, Jacqueline came ohsoclose to beating Victoria on Heat. I guess Molly's officially a face despite never actually turning. Jazz pushes Victoria out of the way and goes after Molly. Short clothesline. Double underhook suplex with a roll up for 2. Legdrop. Tag to Victoria. Suplex, but Molly counters with an inside cradle for 2. Victoria comes back with an elbow, then a fireman's carry into a side slam for 2. Nice move. Powerslam for 2. Bodyslam, and Jazz tags herself in and covers for 2. Sitout slam, but Molly avoids the splash. Tag to Jacky, but Jazz drills her. Jacky fights back and gets a nice spinning back kick. Now she brings Victoria in, but Jazz whips Jacky into Victoria, then a DDT gets the win at 3:09. Eh, OK I guess, but died quickly when Molly tagged out. 3/4* Postmatch, Jazz puts the double chickenwing on Molly, then there's one for Jacqueline. JR: "This crowd is stunned." Translation: "This crowd is dead." Jazz grabs the stick: "The bitch is back!" Jazz walks away from Victoria, but Victoria grabs her...and gets shoved down. Victoria retaliates with a slap...and Jazz smiles and walks away.

 

Up next, an update on Goldust.

 

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Apparently I'm in the minority, but I am enjoying this angle between Jazz and Victoria. There are so many different ways to play this one off that it's going to be very hard to screw this one up. The eventual match should be killer, and the best part about this week's match: Molly wasn't the one who had to get buried to help further it! The crowd wasn't into the match at all, though, and they need to change that quickly for it to matter in the long run.

 

Segment 4

 

JR tells us what snow is for those of us who aren't from Columbus and thus have never seen it before. Anyway, two weeks ago, Goldust was electrocuted because MCI Center staff members were stupid enough to leave a fusebox open.

 

Someone Feed Terri is with Booker T, and Goldust will be back in a couple of weeks, but he's more messed up than usual thanks to a neurological problem. Evolution has been laughing about it, but when you mess with Booker's friend, you mess with Booker. So tonight he's going to have fun kicking their ass.

 

The Four HOSS!men question how Booker and Goldust can split up when they have the perfect gimmick..."Booker and Cooker". Orton calls Goldust "the new most electrifying man in sports entertainment". And tonight, they plan on making sure Scott Steiner never gets to No Way Out.

 

Good Ol' JR and The Pharaoh finally get a chance to pay their respects to Curt Hennig in public, and we finally get a video tribute. Better late than never. Nicely done. Great ovation from the live crowd too.

 

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Say it with me: "PER-FECT! PER-FECT! PER-FECT! PER-FECT! PER-FECT!"

 

HHHater Clock: One segment, 1:18. There's not much to really say about this segment. It's doing a nice job of building to the main event, which is good, and it's foreshadowing the end of the show, which is also good. Will they pay it off well? We'll have to wait and see.

 

Segment 5

 

One fall: Rodney Mack (w/Theodore Long) vs. Al Snow

 

I'm going to assume that the former Redd Dogg was traded even up for Johnny Stamboli. Long says Mack's apparently here to stick it to the man, unlike D'Lo. Tonight, it's Al Snow. "Snow? It don't get no whiter than that!" Snow comes right in and takes Mack down. Mack comes in with a flying tackle though. Snow fights back, but Mack with a knee to the midsection. Nice powerslam! Snow ducks a clothesline and gets a flying forearm. Double underhook headbutts. Series of clotheslines. Bodyslam, and Snow up top for the moonsault, but Mack gets the knees up and hits...either it was a botched tiger bomb or a vicious damn finisher, and that's the win at 1:53. 1/2* The Ganso Bomb invades Raw!

 

ChrisTIAN and Y2J+3 are backstage, and Jericho is glad that he's finally got his opportunity to get HBK in the ring, and Christian is going to work on Hardy. And wait until they see what's in store for tonight. It's next!

 

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I'm rather confused as to how the gimmick is supposed to be any better with Rodney Mack than it was with D'Lo. It wasn't D'Lo that couldn't get the gimmick over. It was Teddy Long that couldn't get the gimmick over. And Long's got airtime to give a speech about there being no black presidents? I'm an independent, so I can't vote in primaries, and I've never seen a black man on the November ballot. I've only had two to vote on, of course, but hey.

 

Segment 6

 

No Disqualification Tag Team Match scheduled for one fall: Y2J+3 and ChrisTIAN vs. Mr. Extreme and the Holy Bible Kid

 

The reason I don't do Dames' "Match Background" thing for Raw is right here. I'd be up until 3am just going over the Christian/Hardy portion of it. Michaels is wrestling in street clothes because his luggage was lost. Four man brawl to start. Michaels posts Christian in the opening 30 seconds. Hardy and Jericho in, and Hardy slingshots him over the top rope. Hardy runs the guardrail, and Jericho counters with a powerslam. Double team effort on HBK now. Into the steps goes HBK. Jericho takes out a pair of handcuffs and hooks Michaels to the turnbuckle. Anything goes, and JR still bitches about it. Jericho and Hardy in the ring now. Jericho taunts HBK with the key. Hardy fights back, but the heels double team to slow him down. And more double teaming. Hardy ducks a charging Jericho and clotheslines Christian. Hardy has Jericho, but Christian takes him down with an inverted DDT from behind. HBK grabs Jericho outside the ring, so Christian comes over to help out. They take off HBK's belt, and Jericho starts whipping Michaels' back with it. More double teaming to Hardy inside the ring now. Jericho to the floor to taunt HBK with the key. Hardy gets the Whisper in the Wind to Christian in the ring, and Michaels nails Jericho with Sweet Chin Music. He kicks the handcuff key over to himself, and he's free. And Michaels is in legally and working over Christian. Nice backdrop. Corner whip, reversal, flying Thesz press by HBK. Christian finally comes back with an elbow. Up top, but Michaels slams him off the turnbuckle. Christian avoids the superkick but gets sent over the top rope, and Hardy catapults over HBK's back out to the floor. Jericho in with a chair, but Shawn superkicks it into his face. Hardy tagged in...Swanton Bomb for the pin at 7:20. I'd ask who was legal, but it doesn't matter in a no DQ match. **1/4

 

Tonight, EB vs. JR in the booking from hell. Plus the tag team main event. The second hour of suck is coming up!

 

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Well, Hardy was in the ring too much, and there is no way in hell you can justify putting Hardy over Jericho in my eyes, but it wasn't a bad match. It was certainly better than anything in the second hour can possibly go, which obviously isn't saying much. Hardy is getting damn near useless right now, and I'm begging for someone in creative to figure it out. Jericho and Christian were game to carry him though. And what happened with that match with Test at No Way Out, anyway?

 

Segment 7

 

Christian and Jericho are throwing a tantrum as Jericho is pissed that Hardy's got his first win four months. This is why we bitch about Jericho's shitty booking. He's building for a match with Shawn Michaels but can't beat a slumping Jeff Hardy?

 

One fall: The Hurricane vs. Christopher Nowinski

 

Lockup to start, and Nowinski's gotten the best (or worst, depending on your view) reaction of the night. Hurricane gets an Oklahoma roll for 2. Outside the ring, and Hurricane lands a slingshot rana. Back in the ring, and Nowinski drops Hurricane onto the top rope and clotheslines him. Choke against the ropes. Hair pull takedown for 2. "O-H-I-O" chant from the Ohio State crowd. Does that really piss off Harvard students though? Nowinski into a neck vice. Hurricane begins fighting back, but Nowinski gets in a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Hurricane counters a full nelson with a Victory roll for 2. And a DDT! Flying neckbreaker, and the double wristlock scissors takedown thingie for 2. Nowinski comes back with a high spinebuster for a near fall. Nowinski goes for the Honor Roll, but it gets countered into the Eye of the Hurricane for the pin at 3:40. About as good as you can get in four minutes. *1/2

 

Backstage, Morley does his best JR impression as Bischoff warms up for his "match". A handicap match is next.

 

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It is great to see The Hurricane back after his injury, and even though he didn't get a lot of time work with, he was able to turn in a pretty decent match. And Nowinski continues to improve each and every time out, which is always a plus. They should have saved this for later in the show though, because it would have been perfect in the pre-main event slot to keep the crowd awake for the main event. They're bound to be dead by the time it starts with the rest of this lineup coming up.

 

Segment 8

 

Evanesence's "Bring Me To Life" is the official No Way Out theme song.

 

Backstage, Big Poppa Steroid Pump is pumping up.

 

3-on-1 Handicap Match: Li'l Spike Dudley vs. Three Minute Warning and Rico

 

Give Spike credit for going right after them, but the advantage lasts exactly the length of the bell ringing. Double elbowdrop to the back. Rosey pulls him to the corner by the hair, and Jamal with the corner BUTT bump. Weak "Rico's gay" chant. Jamal with the Samoan drop. Lots of stomps and standing on Spike's head and stuff. *yawn* Double headbutt. Another "Rico's gay" chant that gets a bit more steam. And that's more fun than the match. Double corner whip. Rosey with a spinning side slam, and Jamal is headed to the top! Superfly Leap! Rico covers and actually hooks the tights for the pin at the most anticlimatic 3:29 ever. DUD

 

Bischoff vs. Ross tonight.

 

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Whoever came up with the rule that "no feud will ever be blown off" can kiss my skinny white ass. There was nowhere to go with it after last week without taking three steps backwards. So of course, they go three steps backwards and book this garbage. Yeah yeah yeah, Bischoff is vindictive. We got it already! What in the blue hell does this build to? 3MW and Rico vs. all three Dudleys? We've been there, done that, and burned the T-shirt just so we didn't have anything to remind us of it. Move the fuck on already!

 

Segment 9

 

Let's hype No Way Out. Austin vs. Bischoff! Hogan-Rock II! HHH vs. Steiner! Edge/Benoit/Brock vs. Haas/Benjamin/Angle! Kane/RVD vs. Regal/Storm! Undertaker vs. Big Show! Matt Hardy vs. Kidman (if Matt makes the weight)! And once again, thank God for the SmackDown brand, because they could singlehandedly save this show. Once again, what happened to Jericho vs. Test?

 

Backstage, Terri is with Steiner, and Steiner is definitely going to win the title because he's the best. Since when has that ever mattered on Raw? Booker comes in, and it's payback time. And apparently it's next? WHAT THE FUCK?

 

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So help me God, Austin better make an appearance on-camera, because if Eric Bischoff vs. Jim Ross is the main event then we need something major to happen to justify it, and nothing else will do. Nothing. Jesus Christ, the one time Triple H actually needed to be in that slot and they fucked it up.

 

Segment 10

 

Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Big Poppa Steroid Pump and Booker T vs. Don't Call Me Dave Batista (w/The Man WHOO!) and Hungry Hungry Hippos (World Heavyweight Champion--w/Randy Orton)

 

Damn! Hunter actually got a good pop. Apparently Columbus forgot the worst PPV main event of 2002 took place in that very arena. Steiner is bouncing behind Hunter during the water spitting. Don't blow yourself up, Scotty. Hunter and Booker start. Into the corner they go, and Hunter fights out of it. Headlock, Booker out of it, Hunter shoulderblock. Booker leapfrog, spinning leg lariat. HIGH backdrop and a cover for 2. What a chop! And another! Reversal of a whip, and Batista gets a knee to the back. Tag to Batista. A couple of elbows, and a corner whip followed by a clothesline. Cover for 2. Batista pounding away. Hard clothesline, and the tag to Hunter. Booker rolls into a tag to Steiner. Steiner punches away. And chops. He's beating the hell outta Hunter! Ah, Steiner's in the ring for 30 whole seconds before the belly-to-belly. I'm impressed. Hunter reverses a whip, Flair hooks the ankle, and here comes Steiner after him. Steiner in, and Hunter catches him with an elbow. Batista chokes Steiner while Hunter distracts Nick Patrick. Outside goes Steiner, and Orton gets his blows in. Rolling Steiner in, and Hunter covers for 2. Steiner with some forearms, but Hunter into the sleeperhold. Steiner reaches for the tag and can't get it, but he does jawbreaker out of it. THERE'S the tag. Booker with the forearm. And working over an incoming Batista! Spinning leg lariat to Hunter! Leg lariat to Batista! And another for Hunter! SPINNAROONIE! SPINNAROONIE TONY! But Batista clotheslines Booker T down. Hunter for the Pedigree, but Steiner clotheslines him. Belly-to-belly to Batista. Cleaning house on everybody now! Booker with the scissor kick! Get him! HE GOT HIM! HOLY SHIT, HE GOT HIM! Booker pins Hunter with the scissor kick at 6:55! They finally got one right! They finally got one right! *1/2

 

JR is on his way to the ring.

 

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HHHater Clock: Two segments, 11:10 (6:55 wrestling time). I cannot believe it! They even had the right guy going over. Wonders never cease. This pretty much assures that Hunter goes over Sunday, but no matter really. Hunter looked pretty good, as much as I hate to say it, and we got a decent little match out of that. I'm still not looking forward to Steiner-Hunter II, but let Booker get another win like that with the title on the line and I'm there!

 

Segment 11

 

Coach has joined Lawler at the booth for our "main event".

 

One fall: Easy E (w/Chief Morley) vs. Good Ol' JR

 

But before we bore you with an alleged match, let's bore you with a karate demonstration. You know, just because some wrestling fans like martial arts doesn't mean they want to see martial arts at a wrestling show. Bischoff breaks a watermelon with his foot. Impressive, I admit. Bisch wants the cinder block, but that brings out JR. Um...where's the referee? Ah, there's Earl Hebner! JR is OVER, baby! Scary, isn't it? But before Hebner can ring the bell, Bisch stops him and brags that he can make any match he wants at No Way Out, and any match he wants tonight. So this one is No Holds Barred. "Anything...and anyone...is legal." Bah. Now the bell rings. Bisch does the Karate Kid crap, so JR slaps him. And that brings in Chief Morley to beat the hell out of JR. Like you couldn't see this coming. Morley finally leaves the ring. Please pin him, Bisch. Morley places the cinder block over JR's head, and they tease the kick...cinder block to JR's head. Here comes Lawler for the save, and he's going after Morley! He's got Bischoff backing off...Bisch with a kick to back him off, and there's Morley from behind. The crowd is BEGGING for Austin. JR's trying to stand and can't. Finally he does, and he's bleeding. Shot to the midsection as the crowd tries to rally JR. Bisch with a cover and the pin at 3:42. I refuse to rate this garbage. Bischoff calls for the beer and begins to mock Austin's postmatch celebration. Morley taunts JR now, and Bisch has the stick. "And that's the bottom line because Eric Bischoff says so." Either bring Austin out here or go off the fucking air already!

 

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Whoever thought this was going to be a good way to go off the air needs their head examined. I've never blatantly asked for an explanation ever, but I'm begging for somebody involved with this show to justify making this garbage the main event. Please please please, if anybody from Raw is reading this, e-mail me and explain this one to me! And if it's "So Austin could make an off-camera run-in after the show," then I'm going to kick somebody's head in. See, I don't care if Austin ever shows up on camera again. I really don't. But to put on a deliberately bad segment like that to end the show? What could the point possibly have been except Austin making a surprise run-in? To make people want to see Bischoff get his ass kicked? We already want to see Bischoff get his ass kicked. Hell, some of us have been waiting 10 years to see it. Well, at least the four years since Flair did it on Nitro, anyway. Don't risk killing wrestling in Ohio (and the nation) over garbage like this.

 

Final HHHater Clock: Two segments, 11:10 (6:55 wrestling time), and Booker goes over. No complaints here as long as Booker goes over Hunter at WrestleMania.

 

Wrestling time (including that last piece of garbage): 37:27, which is just about right. And nothing before the handicap match was offensive, so again, no complaints.

 

So basically, when you get rid of the handicap match and the "main event", it was a pretty good overall effort, but we had a shitty ending that ruins an otherwise damn fine night. As usual.

 

As always, send me your feedback about anything and everything.