Raw from JHawk's Beak (4/7/2003)

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Raw from JHawk's Beak (4/7/2003)

by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

 

Well, the weather gods gave me the choice. Would I rather go to the Indians home opener and do this recap on Tuesday, or would I rather do this recap on time and miss the opener because I can't rearrange my schedule a day in advance to go to the makeup game? And since I forgot rule #1 (always tell the weather gods the opposite of what you really want), you get Raw on time and I get to sit at home bored out of my frickin' skull.

 

E-Mail of the Week: Austin B chimed in with the following:

 

JHawk--

 

Surely you noticed how Goldberg's debut on RAW was scripted almost exactly like Scott Steiner's debut: The night after a PPV, [insert heel] Appreciation Night, the red carpet ring,[insert heel] talking about how "I've beaten everyone in the business, there's nothing more for me to do," and then the ex-WCW star coming out with, "You haven't beat me!" That's why the crowd started chanting for Goldberg in the middle of the segment, because they knew where it was going. WWE's writers don't even bother trying to be creative anymore. They just go back and look at old tapes, then switch the names on their scripts and change a few words here and there. That's why Stone Cold has been fired 58 times in the last few years. That's why every "contract signing" ends up the same way. That's why they keep doing the on-air authority figures, and that's why the only way a heel gets a push is if he's somehow got the backing of that authority figure. Everyone said lack of competit!ion from WCW or ECW would kill the WWF/E, and it looks like they were right. There's no need for WWE (in their opinion) to be creative, because they've got anyone who likes wrestling. The audience who they used to have to compete with WCW over doesn't really have a choice as far as what they watch (unless the want to pay $10 a week for NWA), so WWE feels no need to do anything different, new or exciting. So since the Goldberg-Rock feud looks like it will follow the Steiner-HHH template, what's going to happen next week? Another posedown? A pushup contest? A "Who can stand in the fireworks longer" contest? I also found it funny how Rock is doing the exact same thing HHH did in January, yet Rock was like 3 times more entertaining.

 

If they resort to another posedown/pushup contest, I think the writing will be officially on the wall for this company. Actually, that's probably pretty much true anyway after the recent revelation that Hogan-McMahon was considered the best WrestleMania match by those backstage. Things like that are why I'm reviewing more and more Ring of Honor shows like A Night of Appreciation. One minor point though: Every contract signing has ended the exact same way even with competition, so never expect that to change.

 

Shameless Plugs of the Week: First off, we've entered the round of 64 in my TSM Mat Madness tournament. Voting goes through Saturday, so get involved with it now.

 

Also, Stacy Keibler. Miss Smartmarks III. Vote now. With no more Kylie Minogue, we need Stacy to win!

 

And one not-so-shameless plug: Graham Cawthon runs the absolutely incredible History of World Wrestling Entertainment website, where he is trying to record the results of every W(W)W(F)E card ever. And because Angelfire sucks as a website provider, he needs your help to keep the site running to its fullest potential. So I encourage any of you who use this site as a resource tool to donate to his site. If everybody reading this sends him a dollar, that site could stay up for quite a long time.

 

Before anybody asks, no Forums Quote of the Week this week because I didn't actually record anything to use for it. It'll return next week.

 

Tonight: Does Goldberg smell what The Rock is cookin'? And Booker T teams up with Shawn Michaels to face Triple H and Chris Jericho. Never mind that Triple H and Jericho have hated each other for the last three years, because that means nothing when we have a pay-per-view to build for, dammit!

 

Segment 1

 

Last week, Goldberg debuted and speared The Rock.

 

Cue the opening.

 

LIVE from the Bradley Center in Milwaukee, Wisconsin! A huge tag team main event!

 

One fall for the WWE Women's Championship: Trish the Cheating Bitch (champion) vs. Jazz

 

I'd say Trish has the Farrah Fawcett hair thing going, but who's looking at her hair? We wrestle early on, with Jazz getting a couple of two counts. It turns into a brawl quickly, and Trish gets a series of chick kicks, including a brutal looking kick that sends Jazz to the floor. Trish off the apron into a Thesz press, but Jazz rams her back into the ring apron. Back in the ring, and Jazz immediately covers for 2. Jazz continues to work the lower back of Trish. Flying axhandle to the back. Fisherman buster, but the ropes save Trish from being pinned. Jazz into the half crab, then into the STF, and Trish is bleeding from the lip as she reaches for the ropes. Trish coming back with some forearm smashes, and a roundhouse kick floors Jazz for 2.999999. Trish works Jazz over in the corner and gets the Stratusphere for 2. Jazz with a jawbreaker, but Trish gets a weak Stratusfaction. Cover, Jazz's foot is on the bottom rope, but Jack Doan counts 3 anyway at 5:19. Not bad even though the crowd hated it. *3/4

 

Rocky wants to be in pictures has arrived. And he immediately makes his way to visit Easy E in his office. WrestleMania isn't important, because last week, Goldberg interrupted Rock Appreciation Night. Bisch says Goldberg's on his way, but when he gets here, Rocky will slap him in the mouth. In fact, Rocky will head to the ring, call him out, and whip his ass live on Raw.

 

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Actually a pretty good match to start things off, with Trish actually selling the back fairly well, but with a finish that doesn't do anything for anybody. It's never a good sign when the face champion retains and there's little to no reaction for the finish. It was as if they were expecting the match to continue with Jazz winning the title at that point. This is obviously setting up a Jazz-Trish match for Backlash.

 

Segment 2

 

Rob...............Van.............Dam and Kane are celebrating their victory from last week, and RVD says "I told you so." His watch said "4:20". Kane says he found a skunk and took it to his basement. Everything's cool as long as you listen to Rob...Van...Dam.

 

Tonight, Rob Van Dam vs. Chief Morley and Kane vs. The Dudley Boyz in a handicap match.

 

Moments ago, a slow motion replay shows exactly when Jazz got her foot on the rope.

 

Backstage, Peanuthead Long tells Jazz she was a victim of racism. How did I know this was coming? He and Rodney Mack want her to join the cause, and she appears to accept.

 

Rock has found Trish backstage, and he likes what he sees (as do I). He asks if she's sweaty and wet from the match, or because she's been thinking of The Rock. She says it's from the match, and not from The Rock at all. What's Trish looking at? Why, she's looking at Mr. Extreme, who just happens to be right behind The Rock. Rocky mistakes him for a fan and says he doesn't give autographs. Jeff makes the Goldberg crack, and that pisses Rocky off. So before calling Goldberg out, Jeff should put his paint on, "put your maxipad on, whatever you have to do" to get ready. I guess that's segment 6.

 

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I wish I could say I was surprised about Jazz being approached by Long, but we should have all seen it coming.

 

The Rock vs. Jeff Hardy? Um...please let The Rock be motivated enough to carry Jeff. Maybe Rock's last month in isn't the best time to put the unmotivated over. Hey, what about me? Rock hasn't put me over yet!

 

Segment 3

 

Your hosts are Good Ol' JR and The Pharaoh. Last week, Stone Cold was fired, but he still did a Sportscenter commercial. Here it is.

 

One fall: Rob..............Van................Dam (World Tag Team Champion) vs. Chief Morley

 

Morley with an early knee to the midsection. He works RVD over in the corner. Here comes RVD with a series of clotheslines. Morley backs off as the RVD chants start. Into a nice wrestling sequence. RVD into a side headlock. Shoulderblock, hiptoss block sequence, RVD with a German suplex for 2. Wow, RVD can wrestle a bit! I'm impressed! RVD stupidly ducks his head though, and Morley gets in a reverse neckbreaker. Rolling suplexes, but he wastes time before covering and only gets 2. Into a reverse chinlock. RVD elbows out of it but meets a knee for 2. RVD comes back with a spinning dropkick. Shoulderblocks, backflip, monkey flip. Dropkick to the knee and a standing moonsault. Rolling Thunder, and Lance Storm runs out and puts Morley's foot on the rope. RVD into a bodyscissors roll up, and Storm distracts the referee. RVD knocks Storm off the apron, hits Morley with a spinning kick, and goes up top. Storm stops the Five Star, so he knocks Storm away and hits him with a plancha. He tries to reenter the ring, but Storm hooks the ankle, and Morley DDTs RVD for the pin at 5:16. Anticlimactic finish, but pretty decent stuff otherwise. *1/2 Postmatch, Storm holds RVD, but RVD kicks Morley's pointing hand away, low blows him, then gets a double dropkick to clear the ring.

 

Booker T and the Holy Bible Kid prepare for their match tonight.

 

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I'm assuming that people are already complaining that RVD looked weak here, but it took two men to beat him, and he had the upperhand at the end of it, so it's not really bad. And RVD even had to wrestle some instead of just doing his flip floppy stuff. This crowd sucks tonight though, because that's two pretty decent matches already and the crowd hasn't responded to any of it. Was the Heat taping that bad or something?

 

Segment 4

 

Two weeks ago, Ivory and Shawn Michaels visited the Naval base in Bangor, Washington. Expect a full version of this on Confidential before too long.

 

Still to come tonight, The Rock vs. Jeff Hardy. But first...

 

One fall: Big Poppa Steroid Pump vs. Christopher Nowinski

 

This worked so well last week...Nowinski says Steiner is a lot like America. We take pride in being the most powerful nation on earth, and they're dominant on the field of battle. And it's just this display of arrogance that makes our country vulnerable. Nowinski does the anti-war speech, and he's actually raising some good points but getting good heel heat for it. And he wonders how they can boo him when all he's doing is giving the other side. Our country was founded on freedom of speech, after all. Scotty's heard enough, and he beats the hell of Nowinski on the concrete floor. And as soon as the fighting starts, the crowd dies again. Steiner picks Nowinski up and bodyslams him onto the ramp. And there's the Steiner Recliner onto the ramp. I guess that's it. No contest since the match never started.

 

Goldberg is here!

 

But we have a huge tag team match coming up tonight!

 

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I'm not going to get into any type of political statement here (and that's pretty much all there is to talk about after that segment). My one gripe is Lawler calling the statements "anti-American". They're not anti-American. They're anti-war. There's a huge difference that nobody seems to want to notice.

 

Segment 5

 

Your hosts talk about Goldberg. Here's an inside look at the mystique of Goldberg. Just your typical hype package.

 

Rocky's seen it, and ChrisTIAN comes in (with knocking, but Rocky didn't hear it). Christian asks for a favor. "Rock doesn't swing that way." Christian just wants his Scorpion King DVD signed. For a friend. Just sign it, "To Christian". But there's something that's always bothered The Rock. Christian's never seized the day. When you get the opportunity, take it. He's putting Christian over huge here while giving him advice. Take the opportunity. Kind of like becoming a born-again Christian, so to speak. Ooo, double meanings. Christian says the people are saying Rocky's afraid of Goldberg. Well, watch The Rock seize the moment against Bill Goldberg later on.

 

Jeff and Trish are walking backstage...and they kiss. Oh, God, I just ate!

 

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Notice how Rokcy put Christian over more without stepping into the ring than certain other people were willing to put certain other people over at WrestleMania with 20-minute matches. Pretty good stuff there, and the crowd even laughed at it. But will somebody explain to me why in the hell Trish is with Jeff? Because he saved her once? I do that and get threatened with a restraining order! "Realistic storylines" my ass!

 

Segment 6

 

One fall: Rocky wants to be in pictures vs. Mr. Extreme

 

Lillian lists Rocky's weight at 260. Interesting, since weight changes for the uppercard usually go up 15 pounds, not down 15 pounds. Rock attacks before the bell. A HUGE "Rocky" chant. Why is Rocky cheered as a heel and booed as a face? Hardy gets a...high cross body, I guess...to gain control. Rocky regains control with a clothesline. And now the crowd boos Rocky...what the fuck is going on? Rocky chokes Jeff along the bottom rope. Dancing punch is blocked, and Jeff fights back, but gets taken down with a Samoan drop. Vertical suplex for 2. Jeff tries another comeback as Lawler gets off the line of the night: "You're only as old as the woman you feel." Rocky tosses Jeff over the top rope, but Jeff lands on the apron and drapes Rock's throat over the top rope. Springboard move back in, and a series of clothesline-type thingies. Rock side steps the Whisper in the Wind (about time someone thought of that). Jeff lands on his feet on a back suplex attempt, hits a reverse Twist of Fate, takes his shirt off to the screams of the teenyboppers, then hits the gayest People's Elbow ever. And that's saying something. Up top...Swanton Bomb! Late cover for 2.99999999999. That would have sucked ass! Rock counters a whip into a DDT. He waits...Rock Bottom, pinfall at 6:54. Better than it should have been, that's for sure. **1/4 Rocky wants the mic. Huge Goldberg chants as Rocky stands in the ring staring at the mat.

 

Rocky gets booed trying to talk about Rock Appreciation Night, then he tells Goldberg, "Just bring it, bitch!" Cue Goldberg's music. And he's backstage, and here he comes. There's the in-ring staredown. Rocky talks about a match at Backlash, but goes "Nah..." And he walks off to the back. Even JR is in shock. Christian tries to sneak attack Goldberg, but gets a spear for his trouble. In comes Rock from behind, but Goldberg turns around...and Rocky takes off. JR: "I smell a chickensh[bEEP]!" Holy shit dude!

 

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You've got to give The Rock credit for putting people over. He praises Christian in one segment, comes less than six inches away from losing to Jeff Hardy the next, and then treats Goldberg as almost too big of a threat. I wish they'd make up their mind exactly what they want to do with Rocky though. Is he a cocky heel or a cowardly heel? Rocky can be good at both roles, but pick one and stick with it.

 

Segment 7

 

During the break, Someone Feed Terri wanted to know why The Rock said no, and Rocky kept on walking. Did I miss Goldberg actually making the challenge? Rock's official answer: "Because."

 

Handicap Match scheduled for one fall: Kane (World Tag Team Champion) vs. The Reinstated Damn Dudley Boyz

 

Kane's going to do the prematch attack because he's an idiot. He holds both men for awhile, getting a side slam on D-Von for 2. D-Von gets in a flying clothesline and punches away at Kane. Tag to Bubba Ray, but back comes Kane. Nice uppercut in the corner. D-Von trips Kane from the floor and posts him. And that gives Bubba the opportunity to target the ribs. Tag to D-Von, and back comes Kane again. Backdrop by Kane to D-Von. Up top with a flying clothesline, and Bubba makes the save at 2.8. Kane goes for a double choke slam, but they avoid it and go into a Dudley Death Drop, and D-Von covers for the pin at 3:20. Right decision, bad match. 1/2* Postmatch, D-Von goes for the tables, but out runs RVD. RVD gets Bubba with a springboard dropkick, and again he goes for a Five Star, but again Lance Storm prevents it and drops RVD's throat over the top rope. Morley out for the Money Shot, Kane tries to save...but D-Von hits him with a chair. There's the Money Shot. D-Von holds up RVD, holds a chair in front of his face, and Storm missile dropkicks it into his face. Another 3D for Kane, and I think we've got the point.

 

South Park's Jimmy is backstage, and here comes Test to bitch that he hasn't gotten any in a week. And this week, he'd better tell Stacy that nothing happened with him and Torrie.

 

We have that tag match coming up tonight. You didn't forget, did you?

 

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The match did what it was supposed to do, and that was to build the Morley/Storm/Dudleys/RVD/Kane feud, but how long is this thing going to go on? RVD and Kane won the belts. End of three-way feud. Oh, wait, that would require a blowoff. My mistake.

 

Can any good come out of another Test-Goldust segment? I'm willing to bet on "Nah..."

 

Segment 8

 

"Remedy" by Cold is the official Backlash theme song.

 

Test has brought My Future Wife in, an Goldust explains that it was Goldy who was actually reading the Playboy. Test claims he never saw the mag, but Goldust goes..."D-d-d-duffel bag." It's just a WWE Magazine...with the full Playboy inside. She's pissed again. Stacy! Leave him! I won't read those magazines! No? Too desperate?

 

The glass shatters, the Austin pickup truck enters the arena...and Eric Bischoff comes out of the driver's side. JR: "That is blasphemous." I don't know about blasphemous, but I'd like to know how he got the truck without being arrested for grand theft auto. Bischoff just wanted to give Austin a special hello on behalf of everybody at Raw. Bisch misses him. Really. Especially the look on his face when he got fired. Shouldn't Vince fire Bischoff now? Oh wait, continuity. I forgot. Bischoff had no choice but to fire him because the bottom line is ("no pun intended") that he's a liability. And Bisch looks over to JR and replays his thoughts from last week. Jesus Christ, we didn't go for this in December, and you're going to rehash the entire angle? Bisch wants JR to say it face-to-face, and despite Lawler's pleading, JR is making his way toward the general manager. HUGE "JR" chant. JR: "Before you do what you gotta do," he wants to defend himself. "About what I said last week. I meant every word of it! Because you are one lousy son of a bitch! And you can take this job and shove it, because I QUIT!" Oh fuck, that means we have Coach back again. Bischoff tries to fire him, but that's really rather pointless now, isn't it?

 

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Of all the people who can actually do something that doesn't allow Bischoff the satisfaction of firing someone, and it's Jim Ross? Well, the rumors that he wanted to have fewer duties are apparently true, but why do we have to lose JR when Lawler's allowed to run free in the booth and talk about puppies like it's still 1999? At least it finally woke the crowd up. How do I apply for his job?

 

Segment 9

 

Moments ago, JR quit.

 

Lawler is by himself, and he seems lost.

 

One fall: Goldust vs. Steven Richards (w/Victoria)

 

This could be pretty good, actually. Richards gets some shots in as Lawler says "I guess we're going to have a match here." What was your first clue, the fighting or the bell ringing? Heil Hitler suplex for 2. Into a reverse chinlock as Coach joins Lawler at the booth. Goldust comes back with a bulldog headlock. Every shot from Richards affects Goldust's "affliction". Goldust fights back, and he gets a BUTT bump for 2. Goldust sets up Shattered Dreams, and he doesn't get it, but he gets a spinebuster in for 2. Curtain Call, but Steven floats behind it. Victoria thinks Stevie's calling for the women's title belt when he wants the chair, and it's enough of a distraction for Goldust to get a powerslam (dubbed the "Shock Treatment" by Coach) for the pin at 3:01. DUD Postmatch, Victoria and Richards go for Goldust but end up hitting each other.

 

Backstage, The Man WHOO! gives Y2J+3 and Hungry Hungry Hippos a pep talk, telling them to bury the hatchet and get the job done. Jericho agrees to help bury Booker T, and HHH agrees to bury HBK at the same time. That match is next.

 

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That match simply didn't click. Goldust selling his Tourette's syndrome or whatever the hell it's supposed to be takes away from the flow of the match, and Victoria searching for her belt, while in theory a decent storyline, is completely lost on the live crowd.

 

HHHater Clock: One segment, 1:04. A nice touch, as they actually give a reason for longtime enemies to team up rather than just making us accept that heels team up with each other because they're heels. Was it really that hard?

 

Segment 10

 

Sylvan Grenier and Rene Dupree are on their way to WWE to teach us Americans a lesson. And they expect us to hate them because they're French. They're right.

 

Tag Team main event scheduled for one fall: Y2J+3 and Hungry Hungry Hippos (World Heavyweight Champion w/The Man WHOO!) vs. Booker T and the Holy Bible Kid

 

Jericho gets an entrance, but no intro, while Hunter gets both. Insert your "holding Jericho down" comment here. The faces slide into the ring and a four man brawl ensues. Booker clotheslines Hunter out of the ring, Michaels slingshots Jericho over the top rope, and Shawn jumps over the top rope onto both men. Hunter and Booker are in, and Booker chops away at him. 10 punch count along, blocked atomic drop, clothesline by Booker for an early 2 count. Into an armbar. Tag to HBK, who jumps off the top rope and onto the left arm. And HBK keeps working on the left arm. Jericho tagged in, and HBK armdrags him coming in. Jericho gets the advantage and tags HHH, and the heels work Shawn over in the corner. Shawn comes off with a flying forearm and nips up. Tuning up the band, but Jericho in to prevent it. Hunter sets up a Pedigree, but Shawn counters with a backdrop. Flair pulls down the top rope, and Hunter's back hits the ring apron. CUT BACKSTAGE JUST TO PISS ME OFF, and a limo's pulling in...

 

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HHHater Clock: Two segments, 8:04. I could live with the commercial break, but does the limo have to pull in during the match? It can't pull in beforehand? Is five seconds that big a deal?

 

Segment 11

 

We're back with HHH and HBK brawling in the corner. Hunter gets in the high knee for 2. Tag to Jericho. Flair distracts Earl Hebner so Jericho can choke HBK with the wrist tape. Series of elbowdrops (with the HBK Pose on the last one) for 2. Jericho chokes HBK in the corner, but HBK gets in a springboard bodyblock for 2. A forearm stops the momentum. HHH tagged in, and he and Shawn trade blows before Hunter gets the Sleeper of Supreme Suckitude in. Again, let a Benoit or Angle get the sleeper over, then start letting the non-submission guys use it. Shawn reverses the sleep, but Hunter breaks it with a back suplex for 2. Tag to Jericho, who begins to go to work on the left leg. Shawn with another comeback, but Jericho gets a spinning heel kick and a bulldog. Asai moonsault, but Shawn lifts the knees. Tag to Hunter, HOT TAG to Booker T. He pounds away at the champion. Flying forearm! Series of chops. BAAAAAAAAACK Bodydrop (tm Vince McMahon) and a spinning leg lariat for 2. DDT for...WHY THE FUCK DID EARL STOP COUNTING? Even Coach caught it. Spinebuster slam for 2. THAT time he kicked out. Hunter is clotheslined over the top rope. SPINNAROONIE TONY! Jericho up top, but Booker catches him. Jericho ducks a leg lariat and locks in the Walls of Jericho, and HBK breaks it with Sweet Chin Music. Hunter sends Shawn over the top rope. Booker goes for the scissors kick, he misses, Pedigree, counter into a roll up, pinfall in 13:29. **1/2 Flair immediately attacks Booker's leg, and it's last week all over again. HBK goes after Flair to try to save, and then Hunter, but Jericho is in with a nice chair shot that busts Shawn open. They handcuff Shawn to the ropes, and here comes The Hurricane. And of course they dispose of him in short order. And here comes Big Lazy Cool (to Kevin Nash video but Diesel music). The heels completely stop, and Nash cleans house on everybody. Snake eyes to Jericho! Side slam to Flair. And a Jack Knife for Jericho. Hunter in with a sledgehammer, but Nash grabbed the chair, and they're staring each other down as Coach acknowledges their past friendship. Hunter leaves the ring without incident.

 

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END OF SHOW

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Pretty decent match to end the show, actually, with the not-so-surprising return of Kevin Nash for the first time since the torn quad from July. I'm guessing Nash was in the limo even though it was never explained. But if Booker was supposed to pin Triple H anyway, then why would Earl bother to stop the count when Hunter was clearly late kicking out? We ran two minutes long because of the extra two minutes the match went. But hey, at least Booker still got the pin to prevent me from being completely pissed off.

 

HHHater Clock: Three segments, 19:11 (with approx. 10 minutes of airtime being the match minus the commercial).

 

Overall, a pretty sweet show overall, with only the handicap match and yet another Bischoff-Ross angle being about the only true sticking points. And the Bischoff-Ross angle wasn't bad, per se, just a rehash of what we'd seen between these two less than four months ago. The wrestling time? 37:17 over six matches (not counting the no contest).

 

That's what, three good shows in the last four weeks? Maybe things are finally starting to turn around for this show. Only time will tell.

 

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