Hello true believers.
You know what’s cool? My creative writing tutor. He’s the absolute MASTER of backhanded compliments and all out put-downs. A few months ago I took him a story that I was pretty pleased with, and he told me “You know, this is very Picaresque.” I had no idea what the fuck that meant, so I just kind of smiled. He asked me if I knew what it meant, and then explained: “He was a very pleasing writer who wrote very well-written stories.” Fucking A! I’m well-written! Unfortunately, he hadn’t finished. “The problem is, his stories never went anywhere. They were well-written, but nothing happened.” Oh fuck. And there I was all set to call home and tell them I was Picaresque.
So anyway, I went to see the dude last week with another story. He’d been putting down my stuff for months, which I always found odd, because every other tutor I had always said how good my stuff was. I went to see him about the story, and he said this: “What strikes me about this story… is that you’ve used the exact same structure as in Lord of The Rings.” Oh my! Lord of The Rings, well, that’s, like, the best series of books ever written! SCORE! “Oh,” I said, “well I only steal from the classics.” He looked at me, and I swear to fucking God he said this: “Well, the problem is that Lord of The Rings hasn’t got a very good structure.”
Why do I fucking bother? WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?!?!? I could copy the greatest, most celebrated, most beautifully fucking written book in the history of literature fuck, like Lord of The Rings and he still wouldn’t fucking like it. I just don’t know. I’m going to have to track down a few of his novels and copy something out of them, just to see if they get criticised too.
Aside from that, I’ve been playing the original NES Metroid, and holy shit, that’s a hard ass game. Not impossible or anything, but shit, we must have been rock hard gamers back in the day, because they were unforgiving. I guess when you haven’t got awesome graphics and sound, it’s only the challenge that keeps people playing. Having said that, I’ve long since put it to one side and gone back to Metroid Prime.
It’s probably worth mentioning that although Jackass: The Movie isn’t supposed to be out until next week, I actually got my copy LAST week, so head down to your store and you might get lucky. Maybe I’ll post a review of it at some stage, but I’m not sure. In any case, if you want your fix of fully screen-shotted, Jay Spree DVD reviewing goodness, check out my review of ECW Crossing The Line Again. I must point out that in spite of what I said in the review about ECW Barely Legal ’97 being an imminent follow-up review, I only found out while doing my screen captures for that the disc is not very conducive to taking grabs. Since I’m really not a fan of masses of text with no screenshots, I’m not going to review Barely Legal if I can’t grab from it, so I’ll work on that and let you know what’s up.
Anyway, that’s a page done, so let’s HIT THE CONTENT~!
WHAT’S HOT THIS WEEK
Umm… well, there’s a lot of porn.
Asians: Young and Naked, Booty Party: Young and Naked, Cyberella Forbidden Pleasures, Dream Master The Erotic Invader, The French Erotic Collection… admittedly, none of it’s hard enough to work its way onto Scotsman’s hard drive, but hey.
As for actual films, the big release is of course the Eminem vehicle 8 Mile, which thanks to the millions of teeniebopper wiggers that comprise his fanbase, will sell MILLIONS. Maybe not Shrek or Monsters Inc. millions, but a shitload nonetheless. Of course, complicating the matter is the fact that there are no less than FOUR versions of the film being released: a widescreen edition, a fullscreen edition, widescreen with censored supplemental features, and fullscreen with supplemental features. That’s just remarkably fucking dumb what is the point of censoring the bloody extras if the film itself is uncensored? If the film AND the extras were censored, then maybe that would make a little bit of sense… well, as much sense as, say, releasing a censored Eminem album would be. Man, imagine how shitty it would be to get the fullscreen censored version. Oh well.
The first season of NYPD Blue is out today, as is a Special Edition of Kevin Costner crapfest Bull Durham, .hack//SIGN Volume 1, and two versions of Citizen Toxie The Toxic Avenger 4, which comes in R-rated and unrated Director’s Cut form. I know nothing about Sordid Lives, other than the fact that it stars Bonnie Bedilia, who I had a HUGE hard-on for (in a friend-of-your-mom kind of way) in Die Hard, so I want to see it, as well as live a sordid life with Bonnie. I’m not entirely sure what Akira Kurosawa’s Dreams is about from the description I saw at Amazon, I couldn’t figure out if it was George Lucas and Steven Spielberg taking some of Kurosawa’s unmade ideas and turning them into short films (since I’m almost certain that Kurosawa himself never employed ILM’s talents, though they do feature in one of the films), but I’m sure someone will correct me.
I was pretty shocked to see the Keeping Up Appearances Hyacinth in Full Bloom Set, because I had no idea the show was at all popular in the States. And until I saw an interview on IGN the other day, I didn’t know Graham Norton was a known commodity there either. Speaking of the UK, UK/Dk A Film about Punks and Skinhead sounds intriguing, and another DVD that interests me is Elvis His Best Friend Remembers. The best friend in question is Joe Esposito, and though I’m by no means an Elvis expert, I do remember a book written by an alleged “best friend” of The King that rivalled Diana Hart’s book for sleaze and slander. Did you know Elvis had chin implants? Or that he had chronic foot stink, and when he brought home suitcases of dirty socks to be washed after his tours, his mom just threw them out? Well, if this is the same dude…
On the re-release list are Basic Instinct Collector’s Edition, The Doors Special Edition, Rambo II and III SE, Rocky 2, 3, 4, and 5 (why not release Rambo and Rocky 1 to go with these discs?), Reservoir Dogs, and Total Recall.
Two WWF discs this week, one good and one very, VERY bad. Royal Rumble 2003, which features a really good Rumble match, includes the following extras, provided by Eagan469 of our super-duper forums:
- Revolutionary Royal Rumble TV Promo (& the making)
- Royal Rumble Moments (Confidential, 18th January 2003)
- Undertaker Returns at The Rumble (all 3 teaser promos)
- Over-The-Top-Rope Challenge: Batista vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Kane vs. Chris Jericho (RAW, 13th January 2003)
- Pre-Match Interviews (Dawn Marie, Eric Bishoff)
- Post-Match Interviews (Paul Heyman, Eric Bischoff, Dudley Boyz, Triple H, Team Angle, John Cena & Brock Lesnar)
Nothing Earth-shattering, but I seem to remember the Over-The-Top-Rope Challenge being good fun, despite Batista and Kane being in it.
The other WWF disc is RAW Tenth Anniversary. Yes, Vince McMahon actually had the fucking GALL to release the RAW X show on DVD. But what about the extras? Usually when the WWF puts out a DVD with a so-so main feature, the extras are kickass, right? Well actually, yeah, kinda. According to Amazon, the extras for the disc are as follows:
- 18 additional great moments
- 15 superstar interviews
- 2 awards not shown on TV (Now That's An Entrance and Lasting Impression)
- Behind the scenes footage of the making of "Raw On The Roof" intro (from 1995)
- Backstage at the Raw X Show
- Raw's First Main Event - Undertaker vs. Damien Demento
- Raw's Greatest Match
- Slide show of "It Looked Good on Paper"
- Seven Raw Show Openings
To me, the only things worth buying the disc for would be the various archive montages from the show itself, the DAMIEN FUCKING DEMENTO match, maybe the “superstar interviews”, and the making of thing. I have to ask when the WWF will figure that it’s the classic archive footage that’s selling average DVDs like this, CONfidential, nWo Back in Black etc., and work out that if they just put out a whole disc of that stuff, they’d make a mint. But still, I guess that’s why Vince is a billionaire and I’m n -- wait a minute, he’s NOT a billionaire any more, is he?
Digital Versatile Dick
Boris Karloff movies always scores highly on the crap scale, so I can’t not include British Intelligence on the list. But to be honest, even Killer Karl himself can’t match the overwhelming craptitude that is Cutthroat Island. After watching The Mummy, Anthony said to me the other day “I really like these camp, swashbuckling adventures”. I’ll make him sorry he forced me to sit through that piece of shit.
BUFFY MAKES MY DICK HARD BUT WILLOW MAKES IT HARDER
I am fucking SICK of doing updates on Buffy, but since everyone else seems to be a fan of the show, I have no choice in the matter. I sacrifice for you people, dammit.
Here are the official specs for Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 6, due to drop in Region 2 on May 12th for an extortionate £79.99. The six-discer will feature all 22 episodes with an anamorphic transfer and Dolby 2.0, along with the following:
- Commentary for Bargaining by Marti Noxon and David Fury
- Commentary for Once More With Feeling by Joss Whedon
- Three Karaoke sing-alongs:
- 1) I’ve Got a Theory/Bunnies/We’re Together, 2) I’ll Never Tell, 3) Walk Through The Fire
- Behind the scenes featurette for One More With Feeling
- Easter egg: Newswrap Once More With Feeling tower signing
- Commentary for Smashed by Drew Z. Greenberg
- Academy of TV Arts and Sciences Panal Discussion
- Eight Trailers:
- 1) Buffy Season 2 DVD, 2) Buffy Season 3 DVD, 3) Buffy Season 4 DVD, 4) Buffy Season 5 DVD, 5) Angel Season 1 DVD, 6) Angel Season 2 DVD, 7) Angel Season 3 DVD, 8) Buffy The Vampire Slayer Feature
- Behind the Scenes Featurette Buffy Goes To Work
- Easter egg: ROM content
- Commentary for Hell’s Bells by David Solomon and Rebecca Rand Kirshner
- Commentary for Normal Again by Rick Rosenthal and Diego Gutierrez
- Commentary for Grave by James Contner and David Fury
- Featurette: Season 6 Overview Life Is The Big Bad
- Featurette: A&E Tvography
- Outtakes reel
Which all looks well and good. As for the price, well 80 quid is a LOT for a six-disc set, although with a little smart e-shopping you can find it for around £60. That said, rat-bastard Peter Staddon of Fox US tried to fob off disgruntled UK consumers by insisting that it’s the (admittedly swank) R2-exclusive book-packaging that costs a lot to manufacture forcing the price up. What a lying asshole! How can a little more paper and plastic warrant us paying DOUBLE the price of the US discs, and nearly DOUBLE what the Aussies pay for the same thing? Bastard Rupert Murdoch.
Now, the big deal at the moment is the treatment of the celebrated episode Once More With Feeling, which is also receiving a standalone release. Since the episode as included on the box set only has Dolby 2.0 sound and a commentary track, the original intent of the separate release was to include a 5.1 track and, allegedly, an additional Joss Whedon commentary (although hwy he’d do two separate tracks is quite the mystery). The problem is that the standalone disc not only doesn’t include the purported (and much-anticipated) 5.1 track, but doesn’t even include the commentary track! The “features” on that disc are as follows:
- Featurette: Buffy Inside the Music
- Featurette: Dark Angel Interview with Jessica Alba
- Featurette: Angel Season 1 Overview
- Trailers: Buffy Seasons 1,2,3,4,5 and 6
- Trailers: Angel Seasons 1,2 and 3
- Trailer: Dark Angel Season 1
Totally pathetic. Without the 5.1 mix, and without the damn commentary track, there is genuinely NO REASON for anyone to pick up this disc, which is what allegedly caused the delay of the season 6 boxset. Fox are still listing the disc as having the 5.1 track, but everyone else seems to be disputing that. And since the Fox website is not exactly a beacon of accuracy, until the discs are actually in the shops with a 5.1 mix, I’m not impressed.
It’s probably worth mentioning that on both the boxset and the individual disc, Once More With Feeling is presented in the correct 1.78:1 ratio. While all the episodes were filmed at that ratio (to make them “future-proof” in the US), they were all intended to broadcast at 4:3 except for Once More With Feeling. If any of that is of interest to you guys, check out Play to order.
Thanks to the DVD Times.
DO IT FOR CHEWY AND THE EWOKS… AND ALL THE OTHER PUPPETS
This has no doubt already come to everyone’s attention, but the Original Trilogy website is now the OFFICIAL campaign headquarters for petitioning George Lucas to release the original, un-CGIed, un-Special Editioned, un-Han Shoots First, un-fucked-about-with Star Wars Trilogy on DVD. We’re all happy to go out and buy his precious little Special Editions loaded with extras, but all we ask is that the original cuts of the films get a DVD release too. It’s not like they won’t sell a shitload, so it’s not exactly too much to ask, is it?
The number of petitions jumped by about 6,000 on the day The Digital Bits pimped it, so let's try and bump it up even more.
Head on over to Original Trilogy to join the struggle.
WHAT IS THE DEAL?
According to Video Store Magazine, it was none other than Joel Silver himself who demanded the cancellation of the Matrix: Special Edition. Yeah, because Lord knows Joel Silver is always eager to pass up a quick buck.
According to the report, he felt that the features on the set gave away too much about the upcoming sequels, and he wants to work on a new, improved transfer to boot. Well shit, he could at least try and put together a decent commentary track or something. The latest speculation has the Special Edition streeting sometime after the new films’ theatrical runs have finished, which will be conveniently just in time for a Trilogy boxset, no doubt.
What is the ripoff?
The good folks at Columbia TriStar have added to their TV on DVD poll, where people like us can go and vote on which shows should be DVD’d next.
So if you’re a fan of shows like Benson, Bewitched, The Critic, Diff’rent Strokes, Facts of Life, Fantasy Island, Just Shoot Me, NewsRadio, Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, Soap, or about twenty others, get on over and plonk your vote down.
And that concludes our week of anti-news. If anyone wants to drop me a line about anything, click below, otherwise:
PUNCH THE WOMEN IN THE FACE AS HARD AS YOU CAN~!