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Dr. Tom's Smackdown! Report: T-3 Weeks, May 15, 2003
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post Jun 19 2003, 04:13 PM
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WWE SMACKDOWN! 5/15/03

T-minus three weeks and counting.

This is going to have to be another half-hour special, friends. (For those who asked the last time: yes, I do still watch the tape, but I only spend about a half-hour writing down the important stuff and turning it into this report.) I’ve had a *really* long couple of days, and the sooner I can knock this out, the sooner I can get not enough sleep for the long weekend that’s staring me in the face.

Brief plug: Part of my long day yesterday was voluntary: I saw an advance screening of The Matrix Reloaded. Of course I wrote a review, thanks for asking. You’ll find it on TSM right here.

On tape from my hometown of Baltimore, Maryland, this is the first Smackdown taping I’ve missed since the show started, and it’s also Smackdown for the Idea of May 2003. Your bobbleheads are Michael Cole and Taz(z).

Opening Promo: Vince McMahon wants someone to take out Mr. America at the PPV and leave him in a pool of his own shit. The FBI volunteer for the task, and Vince accepts their proposition. Pretty boring stuff here, really: Vince was just plain bland, and things didn’t improve when the FBI joined him.

Chuck Palumbo d. Rikishi via superkick at 3:15. Very plodding and boring.

Stephanie McMahon and Brock Lesnar discuss the horrors of a stretcher match.

Torrie Wilson models a bikini.

Stephanie gets two sets of roses – one from Hulk Hogan, and one from Mr. America. Vince destroys them in anger.

Matt Hardy d. Tajiri via Twist of Fate in 4:08 to retain the Cruiserweight Title. Pretty decent and energetic match that I’m sure they won’t the chance to reprise at the PPV.

Eddy Guerrero talks to the portrait of Kurt Angle.

Stephanie decides to leave early, and encounters Mr. Not-Hogan on her way out.

Chris Benoit d. John Cena via cheesy DQ at 11:24 when the FBI interfered. That triggered a brawl between said FBI and Benoit, Rhyno, and Spanky. Just so you know in advance what not to do with your $35 come Sunday (hint: don’t order the PPV), that match is rumored to be on the Judgment Day card.

Piper’s Pit: Rotund Roddy Piper demands to wrestle Mr. America at the PPV, and lays out the man who’s obviously not Hogan with help from Sean O’Haire. A “fan” who had been mocked by Piper runs in, and Piper tackles him, pulling his leg off in the process. Say hello to Tenacious Z, kids, and say goodbye to what could have been an interesting debut.

Vince yells at Piper and O’Haire over the Great Artificial Leg Caper.

Shelton Benjamin d. Eddy Guerrero via superkick at 3:42. Just when this one was starting to go somewhere and turn into something decent, it was over.

Vince books Piper vs. Not-Hogan for the PPV.

The piece on Miss Elizabeth’s death, originally shown on Confidential, airs here. It’s not as tasteless as I’d heard, but I’m not going to say Vince and cronies are as pure as the driven snow because of this video, either.

Sable takes her turn and models a bikini. What’s the point of the PPV contest now?

Rey Mysterio does an interview backstage, then gets kidnapped by The Big Slow and taken to the ring, along with a stretcher. Rey manages to get a 619 on Slow, but falls victim to what could generously be called a Samoan Drop. Except Slow’s not Samoan, so we’ll call it the Tubby White Guy Falling Backwards. Before Slow can do anymore damage to Rey with the stretcher, Brock makes the save and hits a rather ugly F5. He wallops Slow with the stretcher a few times, and that’s a wrap.

Overall: Wow, Eddy/Benjamin was the main event by default, since the rest of the show was pointless tosh. This was as bad as most episodes of Raw, which is a road Smackdown! needs to avoid at all costs. I’m going to hope this was just a shitty pre-PPV hype edition, but they’re not going to have a ready-made excuse next week. See you then.

Dr. Tom
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