Raw from JHawk's Beak (5/20/2002)

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Raw from JHawk's Beak (5/20/2002)

by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

 

Judgment Day Thoughts: Yes, I did catch the show, but I wasn't aware of the roundtable that was coming afterwards (I really need to check that particular e-mail account more often). Props go out to The Dames for his timely recap of the show, and I personally felt he did a hell of a job. Anyway, I thought it was a decent show overall. I didn't find anything offensive until about 10:05 or so, but those last two matches were simply awful. Why the hell they built toward Randy Orton-Hardcore Holly, Lance Storm-Val Venis, and Hurricane-mystery person without any of those people being on the card, while having that abortion of a tag team title match clog up my screen, is completely beyond me.

 

Two minor grievances not involving the final two matches.

1) Were Austin and Flair on the same page at all? There were at least three times where Flair had something planned and Austin either didn't bite or he hesitated. Flair was waiting to be clotheslined over the top, but Austin hesitated. He tried to throw Austin off a headlock and Austin wouldn't let go. AND Flair was waiting for Austin to charge in for a backdrop or another clothesline and Austin simply walked in and started punching. Maybe he felt, "I'm in the mid-card? Screw it, I ain't trying."

 

2) Hell in a Cell. I'm not going to bitch about who won (they more or less had themselves booked into a corner where they HAD to have Triple H win it). My bitch is with the finish itself. Why in the hell does a pinfall count on top of a cage. It is not a falls count anywhere match, because if it was they wouldn't need the damn cage in the first place. I have a hard enough time agreeing with WWF hardcore matches where pinfalls can take place against a wall or chain link fence, but at least it's falls count anywhere and the marks like it. By the way, they need to have one of these hell in a cell matches end without going to the top of the cage, because the crowd never pops for anything until after they come back down. Check out No Way Out 2000 (or read Mick Foley's second book) if you don't believe me. One other minor grievance...I can understand a ladder underneath the ring...you need to put the roof on the cell. I can maybe buy the sledgehammer...maybe you need it to tear down the cage. But how in the fuck do you justify the barbed wire 2x4 complete with armband? And before you say, "Triple H brought it down before the show," then why the hell is everybody at ringside surprised? Didn't somebody see it prior to the two-hour mark of the show?

 

This Week in Wrestling History: I'm lazy this week, so I'll take the cheap way out and go to May 21, 2001 in San Jose, California. Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit win the WWF Tag Team Title from Steve Austin and Triple H in what many call the best Raw match of all time. The match is also notable because that was where Triple H tore his quad and went from being smark God to smark punching bag.

 

With that, on with the show.

 

Segment 1

 

Vince narrates a brief but touching tribute to Davey Boy Smith. I'm sure some people will be angry about them mentioning "personal issues", but still a nice tribute.

 

Welcome to the Pyramid in Memphis, Tennesse for a live edition of Raw! Tonight, LIVE, see...a match? Two weeks in a row?

 

One fall: Rob...Van...Dam vs. ???

 

We never find out RVD's opponent, as The Undertaker attacks RVD before the bell. The clue should have been the speaker inside the ring. If this doesn't lead to RVD vs. Taker main eventing King of the Ring, I'm going to be highly pissed. Taker has busted RVD open and is waylaying RVD with punches to the cut. There are the steel steps to the head. Why piss off the live crowd by laying out the one person most of them came to see? Anyway, Taker's got the stick, and he has everybody's attention. He doesn't know who RVD thinks he is, but Taker is the new Undisputed WWE Champion. Apparently he's pissed because he didn't get the opening segment. Yes, he actually said that. There are new rules: He'll say what he wants to when he wants to, and he'll kick anybody's ass who thinks otherwise. RVD got reacquainted with rule #1 in the WWE...respect Taker's AUTHORITAH! Sign in crowd: "Hogan was screwed." I was unaware that Hogan could get a decent hooker in Nashville. Taker said he was going to take the title, and he did...and he killed Hulkamania in the process. We can only hope. "Hulkamania...rest...in...peace." Taker says he has it on good authority that Hogan will announce his retirement on Thursday (again, we can only hope). Can Hogan talk after that chair shot to the throat? Does anybody care? I would respect The Undertaker a whole lot more if he'd shut up so we can get a match. RVD's trying to crawl into the ring to a huge "RVD" chant. RVD ducks a clothesline and starts firing away. Spinning heel kick. Series of mounted punches, and here come the referees. Where the hell were they when Taker had the advantage, huh? RVD breaks through the pile and charges again. Taker catches him, but RVD gets some distance and connects with a springboard side kick. Five Star Frog Splash, and RVD was saying some not nice things before he jumped. More mounted punches as the referees break it up again. Taker grabs his belt and heads to the back.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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I got a feeling they're going to blow this whole thing off tonight, but I'm begging for them to drag this out to King of the Ring for two reasons. One, it's a fresh main event on a pay-per-view. Yes, I know we've seen it before, but not for the big belt. Two, I plan on being there and would like to witness RVD's biggest moment in person. It might be too early to go with RVD getting the belt, but the main event needs a shot in the arm.

 

Segment 2

 

Backstage, Owner Flair is with Double A, and Taker storms in and is pissed about what just happened, so he demands the match for tonight...and Flair makes it a title match. Taker seems upset about it but doesn't put up much of a fight. Taker leaves, and Flair promises to throw Austin a curve ball that nobody could see coming.

 

Who was RVD's scheduled opponent?

 

Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: The Hardy Boyz (without Nancy Drew, who hurt her neck filming DARK ANGEL and not by blowing a rana, nosirree Bob) vs. Now We're Older (w/new nWold member Booker T)

 

Wow, they actually came up with a "real" team to face the Hardyz. X-Pac armdrags Jeff to start. Lawler says he'd love to see these two one-on-one, so you know he didn't have a job at last year's King of the Ring. Tandem offense by the Hardyz, and Matt covers X-Pac for 2. Matt runs into the ropes, but Booker hooks the ankle and Show hits him illegally. And now Show tags in, and down goes Matt to a powerslam. From jobbing to "The Next Big Thing" to being a throw rag for the last "Big Thing". Show with slaps to the chest (I refuse to call them chops). X-Pac tags in. Karate kicks, Matt in the corner, and here's the bronco buster, aka Pat Patterson's Favorite Move. Matt gets himself some distance and hot tags Jeff. Double legdrop to the groin. Both Hardyz in, Show off the apron, Poetry in Motion, and in comes Show to throw the Hardys around like a rag doll. Show gets straddled on the top rope, Booker tries to leg lariat Matt but misses and gets Show. X-Pac is able to get a cover on Jeff, but Elvisdust comes in to distract the referee. X-Pac goes over to bitch, but Jeff rolls him up for the pin at 4:23. The nWo blames Booker T for the loss.

 

Trish is backstage stretching, and here comes Paul Heyman to says he's still hung up on the swimsuit competition from Thursday. And they were both winners at Judgment Day. Heyman wants to get laid, but Trish has a match so she leaves. Paul: "That's not a no."

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Well, apparently Booker's stint in the nWo is fodder for his face turn, and thank God for that, as he's not fit for that group. He has talent and can work a decent match and stuff. Flair's promising a curve ball, which I'm willing to bet (not really) will simply be Nash showing up and cutting a promo that never airs because he's high. Or Rikishi's hurt so Austin is Rico's partner. Something nobody gives a shit about. Heyman going after Trish...well, she's not desperate, so good luck Paul.

 

Segment 3

 

Backstage, X-Pac yells at Booker T, and Big Show is taking over as leader...no, X-Pac is...no, Goldust will if they let him in... All three: NO! And Booker says he'll prove he's the leader by beating the Hardyz, and he's so sure of himself he'll even team with Goldust.

 

One fall for the WWE Women's Championship: Trish Stratus (champion) vs. Jacqueline

 

It's funny how I can't say WWE, I can't write WWE, but I can sure type it. I didn't realize you could be a licensed referee AND a licensed wrestler...guess that's only certain states. After some lockups, Jackie slaps Trish's breasts. Can I do that? Nah, Stacy would get mad. Jackie with a side headlock. Thrown into the ropes, but down goes Trish with a shoulderblock. Trish coming back with forearms, but Jackie slides underneath, ducks a spinning leg lariat and takes Trish down with a legsweep for 2. Trish comes back, and a suplex gets 2. A kick to the chest and a clothesline gets 2. There's the bulldog for the anti-climactic victory in 2:29. They exchange a postmatch handshake, and here comes Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman with Brock Lesnar, and since Trish didn't answer him, there are two ways to do this. The nice way or the rough way, and Brock likes the rough way. She says no, so into the ring goes Brock with DDP-Sara mode on, and in comes Bubba Ray Dudley. Heyman is holding Brock back before the confrontation. Crowd starts a combination "Bubba" and "Let him go" chant, but Brock is leaving the ring without incident.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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They're going for a slow burn, I'm impressed. Decent match, but too short to mean anything, but the big story here is the potential Lesnar/Bubba Ray feud. Could be interesting. Bubba is over as a face, Brock may or may not be over as heel depending on who you talk to these days. Lesnar's over with me, so it could be interesting.

 

Segment 4

 

Did you know the Pyramid is in Lawler's hometown of Memphis? Does that make him a pharaoh?

 

Let's recap Judgment Day and the recycled opening of last night's PPV. A handful of clips from last night are thrown in so it seems like new material. Neat, no? No, I didn't think so either.

 

Your hosts are The Pharaoh and Good Ol' JR, and Hogan was screwed by Vince McMahon and a chair, bah gawd.

 

Tommy Dreamer is back at it. He's getting a haircut, and he eats his hair so it will grow back quicker. Didn't I see this on Boston Public? It's a telltale sign of a medical disorder, you know. And he drinks some shaving gel and some blue liquid thing (Barbersol? Barbercide? ...Whatever). And he eats someone else's hair that was swept off the floor.

 

The trainer tells RVD not to go back out there, but RVD refuses to turn down the chance to kick The Undertaker's ass. That title match is TONIGHT!

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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OK, I'm confused. Is this a push for Tommy Dreamer? Because it sure doesn't look like it. And that was the most worthwhile part of that segment.

 

Segment 5

 

We

Want our

F back NOW!

 

One fall for the WWE European Championship: William Regal (champion--with Pure and Wholesome Molly Holly) vs. Bubba Ray Dudley

 

JR refers to Molly as "the virgin Connie Swail". That's a Dragnet reference, by the way. OK, one guess how this one ends. Regal with a shoulderblock and a multiple cover spot. The second Bubba gets the advantage the "We want tables" chant starts. Regal reverses a whip, Molly grabs the ankle, and Bubba chases Molly. He returns to the ring and Regal takes control. Series of knees to the chest. Regal blocks hitting the corner but he and Bubba hit head to head. Both get to their feet by the three count, and Bubba fires away with clotheslines and the Flip Flop Fly. Sidewalk slam gets 2. Bubba tells himself to get the tables. Right on cue, there's Brock Lesnar from behind for the DQ at 2:43. In the ring they go, and Brock does the...um...the still unnamed finisher on 320 pounds of Bubba Ray Dudley. Molly hands Regal the knux and Regal uses the power of the punch to the back of the Bubba's head. Did he just call Bubba a "silly bastard"?

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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So all at once, Bubba Ray Dudley is in programs with William Regal, Brock Lesnar, and to a lesser extent, Brother D-Von. Well, at least they have ideas on how to use him, unlike some people under WWE contract *cough*thecruiserweights*cough*. Still, Lesnar's predictable run-in ended a blah match, but what can you expect from 3 minute specials?

 

Segment 6

 

We are graced with the presence of The Man (WHOO!) for the top of the second hour. Sign in crowd: "Vince got screwed by a panda". I know it's a repeat, but I still chuckle at it. Is it time for our curveball? I hear Austin hit a curveball pretty well in little league. Apparently, Flair was not the legal man, so he's reversing the decision. Well, he's correcting the record book, but reversing the decision is implied. Quote Frank Sinatra, Ric! "Mistakes, I've made a few, but then again, too few to mention." Thank you. Plan B goes into effect tonight, and if Austin comes out, we'll find out what that is. And you don't have to ask Stone Cold Steve Austin twice, as he makes his way to the ring. You mean he didn't no show after being put in the midcard? Arn with the mic (YES!), and he Flair's permanent backup if Austin tries something. Flair talking again, and he says he made the same mistakes McMahon did because putting him against all odds didn't work. Austin is Flair's property, so plan B...Austin is no longer going to be wrestling in the ring. As opposed to wrestling in the streets, I guess. "Asshole" chants for Flair. As of right now, "You're benched." OK, I gotta admit, I didn't see that coming. But this I did see coming...Austin's beating up on both Flair and Arn. I guess he did throw a hissy fit about being put in the midcard. The crowd has gone apathetic. Austin's going to drink some beer anyway. And he spills some on Flair's face just for the hell of it.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Um...OK. It was like Judgment Day 1998 all over again without the word "fired". Yes, it was a curveball I didn't see coming. The problem is it's a curveball nobody wants. Unless Austin threw a fit about his placement on the card last night and this is his punishment, this might not be good. If it's getting Austin off TV, though, it's an opportunity for others to step up, and that's a good thing.

 

Segment 7

 

Raven joins the broadcast team, and he questions whether Lawler knows anything about wrestling any longer since he never talks about it. "You obviously don't know anything about women or else your wife wouldn't have left you." I love shoot comments, particularly when they're meant to be shoot comments. And that one works because everybody is aware what happened, smark and mark alike.

 

Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: The Hardy Boyz vs. Goldust and Booker T

 

Raven: "Are you going to able to call this, King? There are no puppies in this match." Lawler sounds ready to deck him. Raven offers Lawler a chance to listen and learn. Booker and Matt start, and that was a sweet leg lariat from Book. Goldust in and he takes Matt down with a BUTT bump. Matt comes back with the Side Effect, and everytime Lawler goes off the subject, Raven cuts him off and, surprise surprise, calls the match. But not for long, as X-Pac runs in, takes down Goldust, and Matt covers for the pin in 1:04. Booker's pissed at what just happened.

 

Let's go to the world famous Mug's Pub in Memphis, and apparently that's where to go if you like karaoke. Austin and Debra shows up, so it's a good thing we just happened to have a camera there.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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The match sucked, but Raven and Lawler going back and forth just raised the entertainment value tenfold. And maybe Austin didn't bitch about his spot on the midcard, because he's second string and still getting more airtime than Crash.

 

Segment 8

 

We are live, and the nWo and Goldust haven't left the ring yet. Booker says they shouldn't sabotage his match just because Austin beat them. X-Pac's pissed because Booker was trying to get laid by some "Halle Berry looking chick" when they needed him, but as Booker points out, at least The Book can get laid. Show says Booker wasn't asked to join, and Show will take him out if he wants out. Booker accepts, but here comes Kevin Nash to the biggest pop of any of them. Why is Goldust still out there? Apparently to retreat as a result the scary glare on Nash's face. It's scary! Scary I tell you! Nash makes it immediately clear that he runs the nWo and that over the last two weeks, the colors have become pathetic. "It was the most feared logo this sport has ever seen." Nash says they can be again. They're going to turn things around, so...wait for it...wait for it...oh, wait, Nash is going to let Booker in if he wants. There's plenty of room for a five time WCW champion. And apparently he's in, because there's the Wolfpac hand signal. Hugs all around.

 

Back to Mugs, and someone sends Debra a teddy bear...HOLY SHIT, IT'S EDDY GUERRERO! Austin tosses the bear behind the bar and we get a mini argument.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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So Booker is officially officially in the NWO (yes, repeating officially was intentional). Well, it still appears that it's eventually going to lead to Booker turning face, as Booker was very reluctant to get in there. But Goldust is still standing. And do my eyes deceive me? Are they actually going to build to an Austin-Eddy feud? OK, so Eddy can't possibly win that one because the bookers aren't that smart, but if I didn't know better, I'd swear they're trying to elevate some people.

 

Segment 9

 

Raven is still at the broadcast table, and an obscene amount of tickets were sold for the upcoming Australian tour. Raven grabs the house mic and heads into the ring, and he's heard Lawler talk about nothing but puppies week in and week out. "You used to be a legend, but now you're just a has-been, King." Raven's going to put on his gear, and if Lawler is willing to get in the ring, it's on. Apparently, it's on, as Lawler has his own house mic. Lawler's accepted the challenge, and he gets the hometown pop.

 

Back to Mug's, and Debra convinces Austin to do a little karaoke, and since he's Steve Austin he gets his named called right away. Didn't have to turn a slip in or look in the books or anything. Eddy beats him there though, and we have an argument at the karaoke stage over whose turn it is. Debra breaks up the fight before it starts, so Eddy's going into a rendition of "Shameless" by Garth Brooks. Sad that I know that, but Billy Joel recorded it first, so it's still somewhat cool if you're an 80s but like me. Right? Shit, didn't thing so. Eddy sings a piss poor version of the song to a chorus of boos. He's even getting the words wrong when they're on the screen. Can we go to commercial? Please?

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Thank you. Eddy is probably a pretty good singer when he's not in character, but even if it's just for the angle, that segment went way too damn long. Anyway, apparently Lawler vs. Raven is next, and we know Lawler won't do the job in his hometown, but it should be an fun diversion before our title match. They couldn't have done this as a dark match to pop the live crowd though? And couldn't Raven have come down in full gear since Lawler has been wearing his since 1993 without changing out of it once.

 

Segment 10

 

"Impromptu Match": The Pharoah vs. Raven

 

I assume it's one fall but Lillian never got to introduce it. Raven with a slam and a series of elbows. And a backdrop. And a hard clothesline. Into the corner, and Raven with a series of kicks. He tries to clothesline Lawler over the top, but Lawler doesn't do the bump. Oh, there it is, uppercut and over he goes. Lawler back and, and Raven with the headsmash into the corner, but Lawler no sells it, and down goes the strap. Lawler with a dropkick (!) and a series of mounted punches. Five turnbuckle count along, and then the count along to every corner. Lawler to the second turnbuckle, but Raven rolls out for a Tastykake break before we can see the fistdrop. And Raven keeps right on walking out until he's counted out at 3:08.

 

Back to the bar, and here comes Austin to do some karaoke, and he admits he can't sing worth a damn, but he's going to do some of Jimmy Buffett's "Margaritaville" for us. And it's Sing Along Night at Mug's. The bar crowd is doing "what" at every pause. Austin decides to sing George Strait's "The Chair". Cool song if you like country. The KJ screws up and puts up Hank Williams Jr.'s "Family Tradition" and Austin says that's good enough, and he's actually doing a decent job for a lousy singer. A lousy job for a good singer, but a decent job for a bad singer. Debra looks on, but that song's too fast for Austin so he wants another one. Eddy is chatting up two ladies at a bar, but he disses Austin, so Austin goes over. Eddy won't look him in the eye. Austin turns his back, and Eddy catches him with the gimmicked beer bottle to the back of the head.

 

And before Austin wakes up, show RVD. The Undisputed WWE Title is up NEXT!

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Well, let's see. Lawler gets a match for the sole purpose of popping the hometown crowd, but he can't get the pin. My opinion? Raven needs to get the Raw job because he actually calls the match. Hell, The Coach looks good when he's working with Raven. THAT'S talent. The Austin-Eddy stuff would have been cool if cut in half, but at least it translates into an opportunity for Guerrero. And starting the feud over karaoke is stupid, but at least it isn't shampoo.

 

Segment 11

 

One fall for the Undisputed WWE Championship: Rob...Van...Dam vs. The Undertaker (champion)

 

I'd be pissed if I was RVD's scheduled opponent for tonight and I find out my opponent gets a title match and I don't even get to face a substitute. RVD baseball slides Taker's knee before he enters the ring, and out he goes with a pescado. RVD poses on the apron, the bell rings, Taker goes for a kick but ends up straddling the top rope. Quick cover for 2. And another. A clothesline sends the champion over the top...take notes, Mr. Lawler, that's how you go over the top rope. Typical brawl on the floor now, the highlight being RVD legdropping Taker while he was bent over the guardrail. In the ring, shoulderblocks, backflip, and Taker flattens RVD! Ouch! Taker calls for the Last Ride, but RVD with punches to knock Taker down and a cover for 2. Taker catches RVD coming in with a Big Boot. Taker now aiming for the cut above RVD's eyes. Continuity. Only from segment 1, but still, continuity. Whip to the corner, followed by a Taker clothesline. And Taker brings in the knees now. And slowly taking RVD down with left jabs. This is where the slow pace adds to the match rather than detracts from it. RVD gets in a side kick, but gets caught. Taker with a slam, misses an elbow, and a series of kicks from RVD gets Taker down for 2. Taker throws RVD into the corner and levels him with punches. RVD ducks out of the way, spinning heel kick, rolling thunder for THREE! HOLY SHIT! The Undertaker does a clean job in 5:57! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! But out comes Flair, who says Taker's foot was on the ropes...what the fuck? NOW you're going to call that? It was on the ropes, but shit, we just built an entire month around it not mattering, and now you change the call when the fans want it! Van Dam knocks down Flair, but Taker with the kick to the midsection and the Last Ride for the bullshit pin: 17 seconds into the restart. Lillian announces it as a double title change, so I'm counting it as such even though the WWE probably won't. Here's another look at the Last Ride, and Taker is celebrating.

 

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END OF SHOW

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OK, now they have no choice. RVD-Taker has to main event King of the Ring, and now I think you do have to change the title there. The crowd popped HUGE since it was unexpected (and wanted). The problem is with so many fans already disenfranchised with the way the WWE's been going lately, that might be the last straw for most of them. They never pulled the trigger on Chris Jericho when he got the title in a similar instance until it was way too late. They cannot afford to the same here. I do agree tonight wasn't the night for the title change, but they booked themselves into a corner here.

 

Until SmackDown, Rob Van Dam might be one of a kind, but the nWo has an ace and three jokers. Of course if serious gamblers used jokers, that might mean something.

 

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