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Raw rom JHawk's Beak

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Raw from JHawk's Beak (6/3/2002)

by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

 

This Week in Wrestling History: June 2, 1987, Buffalo, New York. The Honky Tonk Man uses a roll up and the ropes to pin Ricky Steamboat and win the WWF Intercontinental Title. It seemed like a bonehead decision at the time, but the cowardly Intercontinental Champion angle drew money for 15 months before they finally moved the belt to The Ultimate Warrior. According to Steamboat in an interview a few years ago, he was ordered to job because he wanted four weeks off to be with his wife and newborn son and decided to miss the rest of 1987 with the exception of the Survivor Series and a handful of TV tapings. Politics playing a factor in a talented competitor losing a title? You're kidding!

 

Early preview has a lingerie match, Kevin Nash with a special announcement, and "Stone Cold hunts down Benoit and Guerrero". Joy.

 

If I seem unusually bitter tonight, I've had a headache for three days that may or may not be related to the NBA Western Conference finals (would somebody please call Kobe Bryant for an elbow when he's driving to the hoop?), so this show better blow me away. With the announced lineup, it's not very fricking likely.

 

Segment 1

 

Open backstage, where The Man (WHOO!) is leading out Eddy Guerrero and Chris Benoit to the ring with a large trail of rent-a-cops following behind. He's left Arn Anderson a message for Steve Austin...if he shows up, tell him to go to the ring.

 

We are live from the American Airlines Arena in Dallas, Texas, and that makes me wonder if they'd actually get their flights out on time if they spent the money on employees and equipment instead of stadium naming rights. No truth to the rumor that ticket holders were let in the building three hours late. Somebody likes the Stratusfaction sign, as they've shown it twice already. Tonight, the lingerie match! Kevin Nash's major announcement!

 

But first, here comes The Man (WHOO!) with Chris Benoit, Eddy Guerrero, and your local mall security force. Sign in crowd: "Sean is a boner". So that makes the air and they're confiscating Nitro signs. Interesting. This is the world's first ever lumberjack interview, and Ric Flair channels George Peppard and says "I love it when a plan comes together." Benoit attacked Steve Austin from behind, don't you know? Benoit with the stick, and he made a special appearance last week to see Austin. Benoit can't wrestle tonight because of Austin, who injured Benoit last year at King of the Ring. Wow, continuity! Benoit's run out of time and patience, so last week was the beginning of a long period of payback. And now it's Eddy with the stick, and he had his Intercontinental Title stolen from him, and he feels like less of a man. He lost some of his Latinoism. But his Latino Heat came back with a simple frog splash to Stone Cold. Back to Flair, and he's sure Austin would like to wrestle in front of his home state crowd, but in case you forgot from every other WWE show the last two weeks, he's still benched. Complaints go to Arn Anderson...uh oh, cue the WWE-tron, and Austin has apparently attacked Arn from behind. Just like a Texan to cheap shot a man who can't defend himself from behind. Austin wants either Benoit or Guerrero tonight, or Flair gets what Arn got. I'd like to see Benoit get it just to see Vince McMahon's reaction. Flair won't be goaded into any decisions since Eddy's already got a tag match, and Benoit's injured and on the wrong show. Austin says if Flair's the man, then prove it and sign Austin vs. Flair, with Austin's benching in the balance. Would have been interesting in 1994, but where is the incentive for Flair? Flair wins and we're right back to where we were when the night started. Flair accepts under one condition: an old-time wrestling match. What's wrestling? I haven't seen that since 1989. And if Flair wins by pinfall, submission, or DQ, then Austin is benched for life. So Austin can still get counted out then? Austin asks what exactly is a "Nature Boy? "Do you like nature? DO you like boys?" Some stomps for Arn, and Austin admits to being trashed and nature's calling, so Austin pisses on Arn. And AUSTIN is the face. Regal pisses on Big Show and he's a heel. Austin: "It's better to be pissed off than pissed on, and that's the bottom line 'cuz Stone Cold said so." Wow, the A-Team and Robin Hood: Men in Tights in one segment.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Um...normally I'd be happy to see Flair vs. Austin, but what the hell was that? Not only was the segment dragging, but how the hell is Austin the good guy? Let's see, attack a man with an injured neck, piss on him, then call out a 53 year old semi-retired wrestler. Yep, I'm going to cheer him for that, uh huh. This match had better deliver, because that segment did not make me look forward to it. And just think, Kevin Nash has his announcement to waste another 15 minutes.

 

Segment 2

 

The match for the WWE Hardcore Championship: Bradshaw vs. Steven Richards (champion) starts the second we fade in, and Jacqueline is the referee because Texans are ALWAYS the hometown wrestler. Just like being Canadian. Weird how Texans love Texans, Canadians love Canadians, and Al Snow can't get a pop in Ohio to save his life. Bradshaw is using a bullrope, hitting Richards with the cowbell and then hog tieing him. The King of the Ring qualifying starts tonight (about time), plus RVD/Bubba Ray vs. Eddy/Brock lesnar. And yes, all that is more interesting than this match. Richards actually gets in some offense thanks to a trash can lid, but Bradshaw catches Richards on a fallaway slam and gets 2. Spike Dudley runs in with his own ref, but is disposed of by Bradshaw. A Clothesline from Hell to Richards gets Bradshaw the title at 2:44, but now Justin Credible runs in for his shot. Credible is dominated, but out comes Crash for his shot. He doesn't last long either. Jacqueline salutes Bradshaw and hands him the belt.

 

Backstage, Nash tells the nWo that his announcement affects them and apparently affects KOR qualifying, but in comes Coachdust, who asks if the announcement is Goldust joining the nWo. Booker suggests Goldust's qualifying match with X-Pac be Goldust's chance to get in, and Nash says he'll think about it.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Well, hopefully Bradshaw as Hardcore Champion means a Steve Blackman-esque 3 month title reign where people forget about the 24/7 rule. I'm not counting on it, but it would be nice, if only to keep track of the title history for a while.

 

A sentence I never thought I'd say but mean with all sincerity: "Goldust is making the nWo entertaining." Yep, it took Dustin Runnels being the antagonist to make the nWo interesting for the first time since the first nWo breakup in 1998. Somehow I doubt it's going to last more than a week, but hey.

 

Segment 3

 

King of the Ring Qualifying Match scheduled for one fall: 123-Pac vs. Goldust

 

Only the semifinals and finals on PPV this year (shit), but cross promotion is an inevitablity (yay!). I mean that yay. Only for KOR, and only for the tournament, but I mean that yay. Somebody as an nWo sign in the crowd done up like the TNN logo. Yikes. Goldust gives the sign of the Wolfpac, and X-Pac kicks him. Goldust quickly gains the advantage. Flying BUTT bump gets 2. X-Pac with a bodyslam and that snap legdrop. Spinning back kick knocks Goldust down in the corner, but Goldust avoids the bronco buster...and here I thought Goldust would like that. Bionic elbow and a boot choke, and Goldust uses his own bronco buster with some rubbing for good measure. "A bizaare mating call", says JR. Goldust goes for it again, but X-Pac gets the foot to the groin and the X-Factor to enter the final eight (or four) in 3:27. Sign in crowd: "Get the Steph out!" Amen, my brother.

 

Did you know RVD won the Intercontinental Title in a ladder match last week? No view of the fan run-in this week though. Coach will talk to RVD after the break.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Well, this is X-Pac's third appearance in the King of the Ring tournament (maybe his fourth, I'm losing track), but this is notable only because it assures no Goldust in the nWo. X-Pac doesn't need to win the King of the Ring tournament to be over. He's already a main eventer, you know. This is why he's the second match and overshadowed by a guy who hasn't wrestled three times since he got his cushy three year deal. Nash, I'm looking in your direction! Match was entertaining, but any resemblence between this and wrestling is purely coincidental.

 

Segment 4

 

Coach is with Rob Van Dam, and that was a rough ladder match last week, but RVD would go through it all over again for the IC belt. This will be the summer of RVD, but here comes Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar, and RVD tells Paul, "You've lost a lot of weight, are you on the Subway diet or something?" Heyman says he made RVD and he wants to introduce RVD to the Next Big Thing. There's the staredown.

 

Matt Hardy has a bottle of water, and Jeff Hardy is playing the guitar. He's the Honky Tonk Man, he's cool, he's cocky, he's bad. Jeff says they're hypocrites because they don't live for the moment. Matt doesn't get it, so Jeff will show him.

 

Flair's lawyer is drawing up the contract, and more stips are being added. If Austin loses, he becomes Flair's Stacy Keibler. I want Flair to win for entertainment value alone. And if Austin throws one punch, he's automatically disqualified. Austin storms in, and he's handed the contract. Austin signs without reading it because he's a dumbass. Flair signs as Austin pokes fun at a security guard. Flair wants to make sure Austin gets a copy, and Austin is actually too stupid to figure it out.

 

The lingerie match is next.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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If we're building to Brock vs. RVD, it's way too soon. Whatever happened to somebody taking their time to move up the ladder? This isn't even "paying your dues", this is "build it slowly to make the money match even bigger". That's why I'm here and the bookers are there, I guess.

 

Prediction: Flair didn't read the contract closely either, so the LOSER has to follow all these stipulations. Just to piss me off. However, I do admit I like the stip that Austin can't throw a punch. Since closed fists are supposed to be illegal anyway, then why shouldn't it be an automatic DQ?

 

I don't know where the Hardy Boyz thing is going, and I don't care quite frankly.

 

Segment 5

 

Lingerie match for the WWE Women's Championship: Trish Stratus (champion) vs. Terri

 

Apparently Terri's 12 second Hardcore Title reign is enough to warrant a title shot. This is a regular match with the women wearing lingerie instead of wrestling outfits. Trish looks good, Terri looks good from the waist down. Lawler is "so horny, I'm about to honk". Thanks for sharing. Terri with a series of hair pull turnbuckle smashes and the cover for 2. Terri actually comes off the top with a flying bodypress for 2. Trish with "offense" that doesn't connect because Terri isn't a wrestler, and a snap suplex gets 2. Terri goes for a moonsault, I think, and Trish appears to want a power bomb but never goes for it, and this whole mess leads to a cover by each lady. Trish gets the pin with the Stratusfaction at 2:16 as we see a sign that says "God bless plastic surgery." Out comes Molly Holly, but Trish "expects her", so Molly has to tap her on the shoulder so he makes her cue. Trish lays Molly out, then removes her panties to reveal a thong. Homina homina homina. Lawler wants the panties on ebay.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Jazz, get well soon, because if this is the shit we're getting out of the women's division while you're out it's going to be a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng six months. Outside of the snap suplex, this was probably the worst women's match I've ever seen, and I saw the Tammy Sytch-Daffney series and Wendi Richter's title victory over The Fabulous Moolah. Did anything other that the suplex connect?

 

Segment 6

 

Backstage, and Arn is pissed. He tells Benoit that Austin's stepped over the line, and once Flair wins the match tonight, Austin will pay for it. They're hyping this way too much for Flair to have a shot in hell.

 

One fall: Brock Lesnar (w/Your God and Mine Paul E. Heyman)/Eddy Guerrero vs. Dancing Bubba Ray Dudley/Rob...Van...Dam

 

Sign in crowd: "Don't feed the Lesnar". Say what you want about Texas, but there are some hilarious freaking signs tonight. Too bad that's the best part of the show so far. If we hold true to form, Guerrero gets the pin since he's from El Paso. Sign in crowd: "Eddie is #1 with a mullet". Another sign in crowd says "Start the damn match", and Eddy and RVD oblige. And then it's Brock and Bubba obliging. And it's Eddy and Bubba obliging. Hey, they both stayed in long enough for me to say who's in, as Eddy punches Bubba in the corner. Bubba comes back with the side slam for 2. Lesnar in, and he drives Bubba into the corner and uses the shoulderblocks. Hard whip into the corner, and Bubba flops around like a fish out of water. Bubba is able to get in a short DDT for 2. RVD tags in, and a superkick does nothing. Brock catches RVD coming in, and uses a backbreaker and a powerslam for a two count. Eddy tags in and he uses the elbows to his advantage. Eddy with a brain buster. Back suplex attempted, but RVD floats behind, hits the stepover heel kick, and tags in Bubba. Flip flop and fly, and here comes Brock. Down he goes with a release German, and Bubba tells himself to get the tables. Lesnar stops him, and Eddy baseball slides the table into Bubba. Lesnar works him over and throws him into Eddy, who starts punching Bubba in the corner. There's a suplex, and a slingshot neckbreaker while Bubba is sitting down. That's only good for a 2 count. Brock back in, and there are the shoulders in the corner. Whip into the other corner, but Bubba slips behind and hits the Bubba Bomb. Tags on each side, and Eddy and RVD exchange blows. Van Dam sends Eddy over top of him and face first into the corner, and then a HUGE monkey flip. He knocks Brock off the apron, there's the rolling thunder for Eddy, and Brock makes the save. All four men are in. RVD misses a spinning heel kick to Brock, and Brock does a number on him. Bubba back to the apron, Brock clotheslines him off, but RVD with the leg lariat. Up for the Five Star, but Heyman shoves him off. Brock with the fireman's carry into whatever it is, and Bubba spears Brock out of the picture. RVD's still down though, so Eddy comes off with the frog splash and gets the pin at 9:00.

 

Coach interviews William Regal about his qualifying match with Booker T, and Regal says that even his name means royalty, and Booker takes offense. Booker says George Washington kicked King George's ass in the Revolutionary War, and when Regal protests to it, in comes Booker with "SUCKA!"

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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A nine minute match? That's NOT the main event? And once it hit about the four or five minute mark it was all action. British Bulldogs-Hart Foundation it wasn't, but I'll take solid action like this where I can get it. Good booking too, as Brock gets over because his finisher put the IC champion out, but they wisely let Eddy get the pin and not Brock. As I said earlier, it's simply too early to go with an RVD-Lesnar match, especially if Lesnar's being built as the next big thing.

 

Regal vs. Booker could be interesting. Is the winner against X-Pac? If so, expect Booker to get the win and Booker's face turn no later than the Booker vs. X-Pac showdown. Actually, expect that anyway. Nothing interview, although well-played considering.

 

Segment 7

 

Your hosts are Good Ol' JR and The Pharoah, and apparently they have a new cookbook that looks exactly like the old one, right down to the WWF logo on the front. And let's piss you off by showing the Tough Enough winners, including Iced Ugly Mocha. Although both ladies are from my home state, and Jackie lives like an hour from here, so it's all good. Now to get Jackie away from Jason...

 

King of the Ring Qualifying Match scheduled for one fall: Booker T vs. William Regal

 

Regal's European Title is not on the line. Regal immediately hits the ropes on the lockup. Regal with the wristlock, countered by Booker T. This is looking like a preview of Austin-Flair. Regal busts out the multiple pin spot barely a minute in. Booker with chops, and a forearm smash. Outside the ring, and Regal tosses the back of Booker T's head into the middle rope. That actually looked rather painful. Back in, and European uppercuts from Regal. Booker coming back, and there's the leg lariat. There's the scissor kick, and he covers instead of breakdancing and gets 2. Booker going for the scissor kick again, but he crotches the top rope. Regal brings in the title belt and a chair, and when Nick Patrick tries to get the chair from Regal, Booker takes the belt and hits Regal with it. That's good enough for the pin in 3:26. Postmatch, Booker gives the spinnaroonie for the crowd, although I wish he'd just do it rather than telling us he's going to do it.

 

Backstage, Tommy Dreamer has been sick all day, ever since he found out he has a match with The Undertaker tonight. I don't like the looks of the bucket next to him...and as we see what Triple H had Taker do to him (without showing how Taker was provoked, by the way), I wonder why they didn't hype the freaking World Champion being on the show. Dreamer's reaction is to puke in the bucket, and the match is next.

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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You know, I like Regal and I like Booker, but oh my God did that suck. You know on Tough Enough 2 where they showed Hawk wrestling Al Snow in South Africa and Hawk wasn't "feeling it"? Now picture that except without the cuts for the benefit of entertainment. Both guys are capable of so much better.

 

If Taker makes Dreamer drink out of that bucket, I think we can officially write off Dreamer as having any chance of ever getting out of the midcard.

 

Segment 8

 

Non-title match scheduled for one fall: Booger Red Devil vs. Tommy Dreamer

 

So Randy Orton is ready for a title shot after six weeks but Dreamer isn't after 11 months? Interesting. Dreamer carries the bucket out with him, so write him out of any further main event push. Anybody else reminded of the horrid kiss my foot match while watching this? A small ECW chant starts as Dreamer puts the vomit in his mouth, and then attacks Dreamer from behind. Dreamer gets a flying clothesline, and then gets Taker to the floor, but his dive off the apron is turned into a powerslam. Taker begins to methodically take Dreamer apart. Hard clothesline into the corner. There's the choke slam, and a series of elbowdrops. The cover, but Taker pulls Dreamer up. Normally I'd refer to one of pro wrestling's rules but I doubt it'll apply here. Indeed it doesn't, as Taker traps Dreamer into a Dragon sleeper, and Dreamer taps out in 3:01. JR points out that Dreamer never tapped out in 8 years in ECW. Postmatch, Taker grabs the bucket, teases dumping it on Lillian Garcia, but dumps it on Dreamer instead. And Jeff Hardy dropkicks Taker, who falls on top of Dreamer and into the vomit, and Jeff must have a death wish. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU REPLAY THAT?

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Jesus Christ, we thought Hogan's title reign went nowhere. This match was passable thanks to Dreamer's bumping and Taker selling what offense Dreamer had, and it'll be fun to see Jeff Hardy get destroyed for a few minutes, but is there a point to all this? Credit to Taker for being willing to face these guys and also being willing to sell for them, and I certainly prefer that to the same old thing at the top of the card, but this is making Taker look very freaking weak leading up to King of the Ring. Actually, this "beating the respect out of people" angle would have worked better leading up to Taker's title shot.

 

Segment 9

 

Backstage, Matt Hardy is on his cell phone, and The Undertaker storms in. Jeff's already left the building, so Taker wants a message delivered. Matt gets the shit beat out of him. Hey, that's the same message Taker gives ever week!

 

It is now time for Kevin Nash to make his announcement. Please be, "I suck, I've sucked since 1997, I'm retiring." I love the bleached look in his hair. No, I'm not serious. Nash promises this message isn't a letdown. The newest member of the nWo: Shawn Michaels! Confidentital was a swerve! And here I thought all Shawn wanted to do was Whisper all night long. Is the nWo going to be a face group now? I can't see fans booing Michaels anytime soon. Anybody hoping the Blue Meanie comes back so the Blue World Order can feud with them now?

 

Up next...Austin! Flair! Old time wrestling!

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Well, I have to admit I was almost expecting Scott Steiner when he said there was a new nWo member, and after watching Confidential I wasn't expecting Michaels in so soon. A pleasant surprise though, as Michaels can serve as the mouthpiece and help make this work. If this can't get the nWo over, nothing will.

 

Segment 10

 

We're in the locker room, and Debra is laughing at the contract. And the way it's worded, if Flair loses, Flair becomes his personal assistant. Austin keeps babbling, but then realizes what's going on. Wouldn't the footage we have of the contract being drafted override that? Any lawyers in the house?

 

Straight up wrestling match scheduled for one fall: The Man (WHOO!) vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin

 

I've got a bad feeling that this is turning into Bischoff-Flair. And how the fuck did DEBRA catch on to the contract wording when nobody else could? Just remember, Austin can't punch, but he can kick. A woman in the front row, wearing an old WCW shirt, has a sign that says "I want to ride Space Mountain." THAT is loyalty. Wrestling sequence to start, and Austin teases a punch but thinks better of it. Austin with a drop toehold and a half Boston crab. Flair reaches the ropes. Apparently a countout does keep Austin benched, but Flair never said that. Trading chops in the corner. Austin with a backdrop, and 53 year old Flair is bumping better than half the young guys on the roster. Thesz press by Austin, and he starts to punch, but he think better of it and starts choking. Here's a thought...does Austin have to connect with the punch to lose? Flair just said he had to throw one. Benoit is on his way to the ring, and Austin hits the Stunner, but there's no referee. Eddy in from the crowd, and he low blows Austin and hits the Frog Splash. Eddy leaves the way he came in and Benoit heads to the back. Charles Robinson returns to the ring and makes the double count as we go to OUR LAST...

 

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COMMERCIAL BREAK

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Well, so far this match is telling a good story, but just isn't all that spectacular. Maybe it will be like the ladder match last week and the second half will blow the first half away, but you know damn well that if Austin throws a punch and it isn't called, seen or not, connecting or not, I'll be pissed and I don't give a shit. I want to see Flair win this match because you have more (and better) options with it. Here's a thought...Arn should attack Flair and get Austin disqualified. We'll see how it ends.

 

Segment 11

 

We're back, and apparently Flair had the offense during the break, so of course we'll never get to see it. They're on the floor, and Flair's attempt to send Austin to the ringpost fails. Austin backdrops Flair on the floor. Robinson stops the count at 8 and leaves the ring to get them back in just to piss me off. Austin back in, and he suplexes Flair into the ring. Austin with a series of chops, and he goes for the punch, but FUCKING ROBINSON BLOCKS IT and Flair hits one of his own. Flair should have won right fucking there! Flair finally begins to target the knee to set up the figure-four. Flair distracts Robinson, and there's the kick to the groin. And there's the figure-four, but you know Austin's never going to tap. Flair grabs the ropes for leverage. Austin reverses it, but Flair put it on so he breaks it. Both men exchange chops in the ring. Both men go down, and Flair climbs up top, but he's the heel so Austin slams him off the top. Austin kicking away at Flair, and then some chops. Flair falls face first, and there's the Greco-Roman thumb to the eye. Flair with a small package for 2 3/4. Austin with a backslide for 2 7/8. More chops by both men. Austin gets another Stunner, and that's the anti-climactic pin at 14:33, but I protest on the grounds that Charles Robinson went beyond his job description to keep the match going. And NOW Austin throws a punch, and another Stunner for Flair. Austin drinks some beer and we're out.

 

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END OF SHOW

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Why the fuck do we push Hulk Hogan to the fucking moon and make Ric Flair everybody's bitch? The man is the greatest World Champion ever in most people's opinions, and he put up with all that legal bullshit in the old WCW, and this is his reward for being the company man? Fuck whoever came up with this damn idea. Congratulations, Brian Gewertz, you just gave Ric Flair the same role in the company that Stacy Keibler has. And sadly, unless Flair provides the same services Stacy does as personal assistant, this cannot be good. Fuck you all to hell, Gewertz. Of course, they've given Flair a loophole, as had Robinson not blocked the punch then Austin would have been disqualified, so Flair COULD reverse the decision. Of course, Austin could turn around and say "I was awarded the decision, so you're my persoanl assistant, so you ain't reversing nothing." Either way somebody's pissed off, namely me. Maybe Arn could "misfile" the paper work. Bah. To think I tried so hard to be nice to this show, but if you give me crap, expect crap in return.

 

Until next week, never sign anything without reading it first, and always make sure your laywer isn't a complete fucking idiot.

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