WWE RAW 9/9/02

Yes, JHawk and I switched this week. He’ll be handling Smackdown this week. It was at his request this time, and I’ll leave it to him to get into the whys and wherefores if he wishes.

Live (plus seven seconds) from the cornfields of Iowa State, this is WWE Raw for 9/9/02. Your hosts are Bah Gawd and Puppies, Puppies!

Opening Match, Tag Titles: Kane and Bradshaw vs. The Canadians. Yes, it’s the HOSS~! team we’ve all been waiting for. Bradshaw gets on the mike and cuts a basic patriotic promo that sucks up to the heartland crowd. A Pier 4 starts, leaving Bradshaw and Storm as the legal men. Bradshaw shoulderblocks Storm out and suplexes him back in from the apron, which gets 2. Christian makes a blind tag, but Kane is a HOSS~! and is able to take both of the puny Canadians down with a double clothesline RIGHT TO HELL BAH GAWD! Bradshaw suplexes Christian for 2 and drops him with the big boot. Kane adds a choke toss, but misses an elbowdrop. He recovers to get a sidewalk slam for 2, but misses a charge into the corner. Storm uses Christian’s ref distraction to crotch Kane on the ringpost, leading to some double-teaming from the heels. A double-KO spot sets up tags all around, and Bradshaw is a house-cleaning hoss. He lays some hoss beatings on Christian, then catches the wimpy Lance Storm on a plancha and delivers a hoss-sized fallaway slam. Hoss powerbomb gets 2 as Storm saves. Storm superkicks Bradshaw and takes Kane out with a baseball slide. Christian gets 2, because hosses don’t get pinned by kicks, folks. Bradshaw blocks the Unprettier with his Hoss strength and nails a powerslam for 2. Storm takes him down with a clothesline, and then takes a flying clothesline from Kane. Storm missile dropkicks the ref, and turns right around into a Kane chokeslam. Test gives Kane the Yakuza kick, but Bradshaw avenges his fellow hoss with a Clothesline From Hell. William Regal holds the trump card, though, and the Power of the Punch puts Bradshaw down for Christian to cover at 6:50. A lot of hoss action, but this ended up being good enough for government work thanks to the heels. 4/10

Easy Eric Bischoff hits the ring, and says he was informed that a few Raw wrestlers were upset that HHHGH was just handed the Big Gold Belt last week. Never mind the fans who wanted to see that much as they wanted to see Mickey Rooney in a porno. Easy E announces a fatal four-way main event to determine the #1 Contender: The Internet Hates Jericho vs. Jeff Hardy vs. The Big Slow vs. RVD. Bischoff goes on a mini-rant about the “commitment ceremony” coming to Smackdown this week. Hah-hah, JHawk gets to watch two gay guys tie the knot. To trump the same-sex shenanigans of the other show, Bischoff promises some Hot Lesbian Action tonight. Well, he’s the face in my book after that. Long live Easy E!

Funny aside: Lawler asks JR if he likes lesbians, and he quips that, “That Rosie O’Donnell has a pretty good show.” HAH!

Meanwhile, Terri interviews an apple-eating Jericho about the match later tonight. Say it don’t spray it, Chris.

And for the Steroid Party response, Coach talks to HHH. H verbally buries RVD and starts cutting one of the bland babyface promos he was known for until Bubba Ray Damn Dudley mercifully cuts him off. He berates HHH for ducking him by wrestling Spike Damn Dudley tonight, and the train wreck plows ahead when Steven Richards punks out Bubba as a reminder of their match later. Crash TV at its finest ...

After the beak, Terri and Trish Stratus peep a “Lesbians” sign on a dressing room door.

Bubba Ray Damn Dudley vs. Steven Richards. Bubba jumps Richards en route to the ring and lays some smack down. He suplexes Richards, and drops a few elbows for 2. Bubba hangs Richards upside down in the corner and slaps his chest. JR reminds us that Bubba is indeed “Bubba Tough” about 100 times. That’s still better than Lawler going on and on AND ON about the lesbians later. Christ, will someone get this annoying fucker off the air already? Isn’t it about time he got arrested for boning a teenager again? Richards rakes the eyes and hits a swinging neckbreaker for 2. He pounds Bubba in the corner, but Bubba slugs back and kills Stevie with a release German suplex. Vertical suplex gets 2, leading to the Flip Flop & Fly. Bubba yells at himself to get the tables, allowing Richards to capitalize on his schizophrenia by nailing a Stevenkick for 2. Bubba gets a Bubba Tough spear for 2. They fight over the top rope, and Bubba wins that win, leaping down with a superbomb for the win at 5:51. Not offensive or anything, and it was almost good enough for government work. 3/10

Divas Tag Match: Yummy Stacy and Victoria vs. Terri and Trish Stratus. Stacy in leather . . . mmmmm. This match sucked all manners of savage sausage, except when Trish and Victoria were in the ring together, when it at least achieved watchability. Terri wins with something I’ll generously call a plancha, at the unbelievable time of 5:00. Call it a DUD and bask in my generosity. Like I always say, T&A covers the multitude of sins.

Meanwhile, Regal explains his alliance with the Canadians to Chris Harvard, then slaps him for his interest in the Hot Lesbian Action. Hey William, could you please pound the shit out of Lawler while you’re at it? Brass knuckles are goddamn required.

After the break, young Mr. Nowinski informs the ISU crowd how lucky they are to finally have a Harvard grad in their midst. He rattles off a few amusing poems (“That’s all right, that‘s OK, you’ll all work for us someday.”), until Tommy Dreamer interrupts him on behalf of proletariats everywhere. It leads to Dreamer whipping his ass with a Singapore cane. Not a very productive segment, but at least Nowinski’s little poems were funny.

Meanwhile, Spike does a spit-take after a brief conversation with two of the lesbians.

Nontitle Match: HHHGH vs Spike Damn Dudley. H offers the handshake. He bulls Spike into the corner, then casually ignores him while walking back to the center of the ring. Spike grabs a headlock and gets thrown down. Spike gets 2 off a floatover rollup, and gets slapped for daring to get a two-count on a main eventer like HHH. Spike dropkicks H out, but H yanks him to the floor and throws him into the wall. Back in, Spike spears H for 2. H kicks the tar out of Spike and chokes him out. He gets a pair of backbreakers and goes for a third, but Spike headscissors out of it. H ends up on the floor, so Spike planchas onto him. Back in, Spike splashes H for 2. HHH hits the clothesline and a Pedigree, but won’t cover. He slaps Spike around a bit, allowing Spike to sneak in a lowblow on the second Pedigree attempt. Acid Drop gets 2, as H gets his foot on the ropes. HHH slaps on the sleeper, and the ref calls for the bell at 7:39. H puts the boots to Spike after the bell, leading to another pointless staredown with Bubba. Speaking of pointless, this match certainly was. 1/10

Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy breaks off from an interview to get in Bischoff’s face.

After the break, Big Slow is incredulous at Jericho’s offer of an alliance. Johnny The Bull offers some advice, and gets treated like a no-name from WCW.

Meanwhile, Coach talks to Booker T about the Regal situation. Booker is about to enlighten us all on what makes this country great, when Goldust walks up in Kane mask. Well, I can think of a few other things that make this country great. Kane eventually arrives, eliciting some very amusing fright from Dustin. Bradshaw turns this into another train wreck, and I almost spit out my soda when he talked about checking out the lesbians. If their strap-ons are missing, let’s just say they’ll know whom to ask.

Tag Match: Bookdust vs. Test and William Regal. Test knees Booker and pounds away. Booker nails a back kick for 2, and Goldust comes in to lay down some more beatings. Regal comes in and leads with the forearms, so Goldust counters with the buttbutt. He chopblocks Regal, but Regal tosses him outside for some beatings by Test. The heels tag quickly, each working over Goldust and getting a near-fall. Test goes for a Meltdown, but Goldust slips out and neckbreakers him. Regal comes in, Booker gets the hot tag, and the Book is a house afire. Scissors kick prompts Booker to break out the Spinaroonie. Regal sneaks in and whacks him using the Power of the Punch, but it’s all a schmoz, as Kane, Bradshaw, Lance Storm, and Christian all run in for a big ol’ DQ at 5:46. Pretty pedestrian, mailed-in match that didn’t get any help from the stupid ending. 1/10

After the break, Easy Eric introduces the lesbians. They got their own chyron, so he must know them from the Gold Club. I sense a three-minute segment here. Bischoff leads the girls thru an awkward session of touching and disrobing. Bischoff soon informs the girls that their love-in has gone on about three minutes too long, and you can figure out the rest from there. Yay, The Island Boys beat up some girls again. This gets them over as badasses ... how?

After another break, RVD gets some mad props from The Man.

Main Event, Fatal Four-Way: The Internet Hates Jericho vs. Jeff Hardy vs. The Big Slow vs. Rob ... Van ... Dam. What a shame that Slow is cluttering the main event. I could say the same about Jeff, too, considering his postman performances of late. Big brawl starts, natch, leaving Slow and Rob in the ring. Rob kicks Slow repeatedly and teams with Jeff for a Poetry In Motion, but Slow catches Jeff and tosses him to the floor. Rob tries a crossbody, but Slow catches him and delivers a spinebuster. He’s the ultimate hoss, friends. Slow launches Jericho at Rob, who rolls out of the way. Rob kicks out of a chokeslam attempt, and Slow takes a missile dropkick from Jeff. Rob adds the same, only to get tossed out by the dastardly Jeff Hardy, who covers Slow for 2. Swanton gets 2. Rob hits Rolling Thunder, and Slow’s hoss kickout bumps the ref. Jericho grabs a chair and goes postal with it. Slow ends up taking it as the ref revives, so Jericho feigns like he was hit by it. Good tactic, and it works, as Hebner DQ’s Slow at 2:50. He proceeds to chokeslam everyone else in the match to get his heat back, because you know how those crushing DQ’s derail the push of a fat, slow tub of shit who shouldn’t even be near the main event to begin with. Christ on a cracker, I’m tired of cheap shit tactics like that. We cut to a commercial break, since it probably takes Slow two minutes to waddle his fat ass to the back. When we come back, Jericho is beating on RVD. Jericho heel kicks Rob, but he misses a springboard something and ends up on the floor. Rob follows with a sweet tope con hilo, only to get dropkicked thru the ropes by Jeff. Jeff does the railrunner onto Jericho and RVD. Back in, he comes down with a springboard moonsault onto Jericho for 2. The corkscrew version misses, though, and Jericho goes up. Rob greets him with a leaping kick to the chest, and the faces combine for a superplex. Stereo heel kicks force Jericho to bail. Rob hits a rolling slam on Hardy and adds a springboard moonsault out of the corner for 2. Jeff turns a hiptoss into a nasty DDT, dropping Rob RIGHT on his head. That gets 2. Jeff goes up, but Jericho shoves him down, and the Lionsault picks up its first pinfall since the Reagan administration at 7:31. And then there were two. Rob heel kicks Y2J for 2, but takes a vicious release German. JR begs for the match to be stopped as Jericho locks in a bow and arrow. Rob fights out, and Jericho posts himself on a blind charge, leaving both men down. Jericho removes a turnbuckle pad, so Rob monkey flips him for 2. Jericho raises the knees on Rolling Thunder and gets 2. Jericho lays in the chops, but his crossbody out of the corner is met with a dropkick to the gut. Rob does a nice split-legged moonsault for 2. Jericho gets the bulldog, but he misses the lionsault. Rob misses the frog splash. Lionsault gets a very close 2. Rob heel kicks Jericho off the ropes as HHH wanders out to the stage. Jericho gets catapulted into the exposed turnbuckle, and Rob finishes with the FIVE-STAR Frog Splash at 13:11. Pretty damned entertaining once they got the deadwood out of the way. Even Jeff was watchable this time, since he looked like he actually cared. RVD is now the #1 Contender to the Big Gold Belt, and we all know how that one will turn out. 8/10

The breakdown:

The Good: Not much here this week. The main event was a very good match overall. Chris Nowinski’s heel promo was both funny and effective. Stacy wore leather, Trish shook her ***** boo-TAY ... and that’s all the good I could find.

The Bad: The matches might not have been three-minute affairs this time, but only two of them were decent or better, and more garbage is still garbage. As good a job as Smackdown does in putting compelling matches together with a roster that doesn’t boast of Raw’s star power, Raw does that bad a job.

The Ugly: Yipee skip, another stupid and predictable “three minutes” segment. It’s a mystery anyone still gets in the ring with Bischoff; they should know by now that the fat Samoans are only a few minutes behind. I fail to see how beating up on old women and girls is going to help these guys.

Overall: If you taped this one, find something better to record over it. Subpar wrestling, silly “three minutes” segments, and one good match does not equal a good show. The lackluster Raw run continues with another crapfest for your Monday viewing displeasure. I'm glad I do the other show. 2/10

Dr. Tom
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