the.weej

I don't see anybody here. I'm gonna' take my office back. -Z

I understand this perspective, but it's important to consider how much more disciplined Canadian political parties are than ones in the US or UK. It's not unusual for Congressmen or Senators in America to vote against the party line for various reasons - up here, simply abstaining in a vote is asking to be marginalized in caucus. Voting AGAINST the party leader means you better be crossing the floor tomorrow, because you're guaranteed to be turfed. Most Canadians definitely vote because they identify with a party/party leader, and it makes sense, because what the party leader believes is the de facto ideology of all the rest of his MPs.

Looking at the box scores from Friday, I can't help but be confused. Did the Oilers really score three power play goals? Really? The Oilers? It really is a brave new world. The weird happenings that always pop up at the start of a new hockey season are exciting, but I've learned to never, EVER trust anything that happens in October. Habs fans should remember the strange performances of Brian Savage in Octobers past, that's always my favourite example. Czech - I think the idea of "keeping it in the family" springs from the success certain organizations have had with it, although I guess it might just be TWO organizations that have ever had any success with it, since the Oilers and Canadiens are the only ones that come to mind. Still, sports teams seem to be easily seduced by ideas that have no proof of success in any other environment. Not to rain on the parade or anything, but be wary of Quenneville. You're right about his history with goaltenders; a friend of mine is a big Avs fan and has nearly had his head explode multiple times over the last couple of seasons thanks to Coach Q. He's also probably chiefly responsible for the Avs' mortifyingly poor specials teams last season, and holds at least 40% of the blame for the Blues going from the best team in the NHL to a team that sorta kinda looks like it could be the best team in the NHL. I really don't understand this coaching change at all, frankly.

Nobody made me aware of this thread, per se, but I did a randomly fortnightly check-in at the right time, I suppose. I'm disappointed Toxxic does not wish to drink deep of my invigorating, wholly organic masculinity, but amused that Holly still thinks I'm a douchebag. It's all good, though - I am a major douche, when you get right down to it. See, I never felt too bad about being surly over making cards, but that's probably because I'm surly basically all of the time. -Z

We came up with it in concert. I think. I'm pretty sure one or the other suggested it, and the other one egged 'im on to do it. Generally speaking, it's usually my fault for coming up with something and Janus's fault for making sure it sees the light of day. What a team. By the way, Lost at Sea was awesome. How dare you guys? Definitely one of Strangler's better ideas, and he participated in a match on ice. -Z

It's at this point I feel obligated to chime in, because everyone seems to have purged it from their memories, but at my insistence Raynor and Janus booked a series of matches taking place in fictional worlds like Racoon fucking City and the furry world in the comic he writes for. Landon has a long way to go before he catches up to me and mine with our terrible, madcap ideas. -Z

An idea devised by Strangler and myself about a week ago, we came up with the great idea of leading up to Genesis with a series of ESPN-esque Top-25 lists, recounting the greatest this and that, and worst this and that in SWF history. This is the first list in the installment; suggested, voted on and put together by a panel of verterans. It's ever changing, so if you're a veteran, be on the lookout: You may be asked to join in for the next list! As great as this fed is, it has also been home to some of the most inane, ridiculous and downright idiotic ideas some of us have ever born witness to. Before we recount any of the great things that have happened, we felt it was best to begin with WHY we should be so thankful for the great effort and ideas that have been poured into the SWF over five years by looking at the WORST ideas that have been poured into it over five years. Please remember that the list was majority voted on, so it isn't concrete, and discussion is welcomed. If you happen to be up here... well... keep in mind it's all in good fun. ON THE PANEL: Zed, The Boston Strangler, Insane Luchador, Chris Wilson, Tyler McClelland, Judge Mental, Manson, Chris Raynor WRITING THE LIST: Zed, The Boston Strangler, Judge Mental, Edwin MacPhisto, GOdrea, Tyler McClelland, Mercury. A big thanks to all of you. Now.. the TOP 25 STUPIDEST MOMENTS IN SWF HISTORY! #25: Chris Wilson....Being Accompanied By Dan Marino And HBK? "Who Needs A Bodyguard When You Can Have A 43 Year Old Quarterback?" -In the early days of the IGNWF, real-life wrestling celebrities turned up from time to time, most notably Trish Stratus as Jayson G's ring escort. However, Chris Wilson managed to eclipse all the others with his two ring escorts, the lovely and talented....Shawn Michaels and Dan Marino? Indeed, it rang out every match he wrote, "Being accompanied to the ring by Dan Marino and Shawn Michaels, from Miami Florida..." The two men accompanied Chris Wilson to the ring for months, and occassionally interjected themselves into the action. However, Wilson soon figured out the stupidity of this idea, and took Marino and Michaels out of active duty. Normally, something so inane is enough to fill a quota for a career, but Wilson is a truly exceptional case, as this list will surely prove. #24: The Punk Rockstar “…Isn’t Punk Rockstar a contradiction...?” -Back in 2002, there was a tool in the JL named Matt Myers. This wrestler had been around forever, but never got any higher than maybe upper-midcard. Nearing the end of his umpteenth gimmick, he got a fluke victory over reigning champion Judge Mental. With his title win, Myers decided it was time for another gimmick to ‘freshen up’ his character. The next show, Myers had changed from the crazy evil heel ‘Poisyn’ into the new Ska Sensation, wacky face “Punk Rockstar” Matt Myers. The only thing more absurd than the sudden face turn was his moveset, in which he named all his signature moves after Ska Bands (Less than Splash, New Found Diamond Cutter). The culmination of this short-lived stupidity was his first title defense against Mike Van Siclen in a “Wallet Chain from Hell” match; essentially a Texas Chain match with a 10 Foot Long wallet chain. The match was a bomb, only notable for Matt winning after the special referee (Judge Mental) made MVS tap out for an unconscious Myers. His title reign came crashing to an end soon after, with Mental injuring him in the rematch to both take his title back and end Myers’ career. #23: Brimstone's Murderous Promo "It Was A Dream....Or A Fantasy...Or Something...But Now I'm Champ!" -Long before he was Johnny Dangerous, and WAY before he somehow became SWF Champion, he was Brimstone in the IGNJL. And Brimstone...well, Brimstone was quite a character. Brimstone was a genetically-altered superhuman created by the United States military system who was trained to break everything in his path. And one day, when he was upset with a match he was booked in, Brimstone's murderous side was unleashed. In a "dream promo" that Brimstone wrote, we witnessed the brutal beatings of Jay Dawg, Mistress Sarah, and Munich, followed by him lighting the room they had been knocked out in on fire. But it was OK, since it was a dream. Or something. This was quickly responded to by Mistress Sarah, who wrote an even MORE interesting follow-up. However, Brimstone committing murder in his "fantasy" promo will forever be remembered as one of the stupidest moments in SWF history. This is one of the moments that makes you wonder how he won the biggest belt the fed has to offer. #22: The Bemani Cross Wizards "From Necromancer To Video Game Dancer!" -Throughout most of his run in the IGNJL, IGNWF, and SWF, Thoth's name was synonomous with the Clan, one of the longest-lasting stables in the federation's history. They personified everything that was dark, evil, and absolutely absurd about the SWF. However, towards the end of Thoth's run, he became a much different person. He first became Orochi, a demon who seemingly hated EVERYTHING, and then made a leap that made even LESS sense: He started a tag team with perennial SWF doormat Ced Ordonez named the Bemani Cross Wizards, who were devoted to the extremely uncool game of Dance Dance Revolution. Thoth and Ced teamed and even became SWF Tag Team Champions, but why Thoth changed from Evil Japanese Syndicate Cult Guy to Crazy Happy Japanese Dancer Guy was never truly explained. However, this is easily the best DDR-based tag team that has ever competed in the SWF. #21: Annie Flips "A perfect 10 over the bucket of AIDS!" - Annie Eclectic has always been one of the more fascinating characters in fed history, the most notable reasons being ones she'd rather forget. Countless retirements and comeback attempts, heel and face turns, stable defections and bizzare angles litter her career, and yet, she is the most successful female wrestler of all-time. About the one constant in her career was the fact she was written as the only openly gay character ever, but in the summer of 2002, even that was set to change. Annie was a member of a revised version of XF9, having their first and only tour of duty in the SWF, an angle was took place that involved then babyface Eclectic turning on her stable and joining the opposing Magnificent 7, because of... a love affair with Chris Wilson? As improbable as it was, Annie would become Wilson's surrogate trophy wife and sex kitten, completely going against a year and a half of very concrete character history. As doomed to failure as this was, it was accelerated by Wilson's quick retirement soon after, leaving Annie in character limbo -- and rushing to make sure no-one could remember any of this EVER happening. Worse yet? This wouldn't even be the most infamous moment of her career... #20: The Savior "He Can Save the Fed, He Can Save Your Soul, But I Guess He Can't Save His Own Angle" Devised by the incomprable Outcast and Divefire, the Savior was an angle that appeared quite literally out of no-where in late 2002, and disappeared just as quickly. The Savior's debut promo is famous: Holding up Mercury in his hotel room at GUN POINT, the Savior discusses about how he's discovered that the world is full of people out for themselves, soudning not quite so far removed from a teenager who just got dumped by his first girlfriend, and insists that he's come to save the IGNWF, and the Mercury will be the first to help him. The real meat of the Savior's story was his unbelieveably intolerable additude out of character, and the fact he looked like a cheap Clan rip-off and seemed quite content to not face up to that. In reality, Outcast and Divefire intended the angle to go much deeper than it ever did, but their antics both in and out of character led to the Savior being built up higher than the Empire State Building, and with that kind of pressure, it was inevitable the angle would fail with the wave of snarky 'I told you so' responses that were locked, cocked and ready to be unleashed. A few promos followed the first, but it never amounted to much of anything, and the Savior and his delusions of grandeur fall-in at number 20 on our list. #19: Hell in a Pokeball "Stupid Gimmickon... I CHOOSE YOU!" -One of the most famously absurd gimmick matches ever actually contested between two of the most absurd characters ever devised, Hell in a Pokeball clocks in at number nineteen on our list. Fought between the Pokemaster and Ash Ketchum, TWO different characters that had Pokemon gimmicks, the match involved a pokeball-esque cake being suspended above the ring, and the match taking place within it. Ash would previal in this most memorable matchup, standing out as perhaps the most inane moment in all of Ash's outrageous career. #18: Angel's Title Shots "Every Time You Ring A Bell, Angel Gets Another Main Event" -In the beginning, no-showing wasn't so much a problem. That is, of course, unless you count Angel. Angel was a character that was married to JaysonG's daughter, Anna Rowan, or so it was revealed on the IGNWF's Corporate Christmas PPV. Amazingly, though Anna had barely been a fixture anyone had ever heard of in the fed, and Angel was booked haphazardly on cards, he was handed a title shot in a 'surprise' main event. And he no-showed. As if that wasn't bad enough, he was handed several more title shots. ...he never showed. It became sort of sad, because everyone started to wonder when Angel's next title shot would come up. Eventually they stopped, but not after recieving no less than four baseless oppertunities to win the big belt. Angel himself would fade away shortly into 2001, but his legend burns brightly still. It goes to show that while an angel can fly, they most certainly can't write. #17: X/Thugg + Amnesia "Holla if you remember this ish, yo!" -Thugg and X were seemingly perpetually feuding for their entire careers; it was pretty logical, as it was something that dated back to the very beginnings of their characters. Thugg was X's dawg, and then he turned on him to win the IGNJL title. As Thugg evolved, he himself became smarter and more manipulative, although he could never change the fact that X was going to hold his grudge against him forever. At least, not until this angle. Keen on ignoring Foley's Law about amnesia angles, X and Thugg worked out a plan that involved X being involved in a mysterious and debilitating motorcycle crash that caused him to lose all his memory, especially all of his history with Thugg. Thugg appeared, for some mysterious reason, to be oddly sympathetic to X's plight, and promised to help him through it... and in X becoming Thugg's dawg, he even began to speak in ebonics. In a bizzare twist, the evil Suicide King, seeing an oppertunity, would manipulate X himself and reveal that, somehow, Thugg was actually responsible for his horrible crash, using him to win the world title off of the big man. And just like that, X's memory was regained, and he changed back into the fun-lovin' ladie's man he'd always been without much urging. As strange and odd as it seems, this wouldn't be the only time X had undergone a deep seeded psychological transformation with no ill to show for it. #16: Hollyanna Rose Craven “Rosemisty's Baby…” There is much to be said about the hatred of the character and the gimmick, Ash Ketchum. Almost universally hated by many people, it was often taken to extreme lengths to try to make this character get over as a credible face. This is the final, and perhaps most pathetic attempt at that. Thinking that a pregnancy angle would be the best way to garner up face sympathy, Ash decided 9 months in advance to plan out a massive angle around his… ahem… “wife”, Misty. Before this angle would reach completion, the fed was subject to numerous stupid promos trying to win over support for the character and even a feud that would involve one of the stupidest things not to make this list, the “Stash the Ash” match. Eventually, after a horrible abortion of a promo (which, sadly, did not involve the pregnancy), Ash decided to change gimmicks and turn heel so as to stop all the criticism about his character. Of course, he forgot about one little thing… The kid. The kid came out right in the middle of his turn, which essentially put him back into goofy motherfucker mode, and utterly screwing up anything good that could have happened. His first mistake was naming the child: “anna” and “Rose” are the names of two SWF Lesbian Community members Ash desperately wanted (To the point of saying that he splashed around in the bathtub hoping to be turned into a girl to get a chance with these women). Secondly, it turned him into an even more unwritable pseudo-tweener character that was an obvious ripoff of the great Edwin MacPhisto. Not only that, after months of irritation, Ash, once again under immense bitching from the rest of the fed, finally put away the face act and the kid, ending one of the most irritating storylines in federation history. #15: Wrathapalooza "This is what happens when people call Gund Arena 'overbooked'..." It was the summer of 2002, and the JL was in the midst of a bit of a membership drought. Newbies were dropping off left and right as the Junior League was in the midst of a championship tourney. With complaints about the Cleveland’s Gund Arena being overused, booker Longdogger Pete decided to switch it up a bit. Inventing a small story about the Ice Palace in Tampa rejecting them at the last second, Pete decided to book the event someone’s backyard. Namely, Ash Ketchum’s backyard. Yes, the Longdogger decided that the best place for hundreds of wrestling fans to congregate was the demented fantasy palace of a sad anime freak. The card contained a pie eating constest between Edwin, King, and Axis, a Hide and Seek match with the God of Thunder Thor and jobber Y2K, and ended up with a “Hell in a Swimming Pool” match for the World Title between Renegade and CIA. Off the card was an incredibly stupid “MTV’s Cribs” episode starring Spike Jenkins, claiming the house was his (Why one would want to boast the biggest collection of Poke-plush dolls, though, is beyond logic).It will forever go down as one, if not the, most inanely stupid card ever booked in JL, ML, or WF history. #14: JD Main Events Genesis III “Dude, where's my buildup?" Genesis III is considered perhaps one of the greatest, if not the greatest, show in SWF history. In the lead-up to it, we had seen the Midnight Carnival, the Magnificent 7, and the Clan all battle for supremacy, leading up to some of the most incredible rivalries and match-ups ever: Edwin vs. Raynor, Thoth vs. Silent, Sacred vs. Axis, Wilson vs. Divefire. All of this was leading up to a Main Event, in which El Luchadore Magnifico would be defending his title against a mystery man. There were many guesses: Some thought of Rane, others said the Suicide King or Mark Stevens. And a few hoped for the legendary Cyclone Comet to come back for what was turning out to be a show for the ages. Instead… we got JD. For all the build-up in the world with every other match, the mystery man was someone who had little to do with ELM and anything he had done the entire summer. So, after all the incredible finishes to storylines, Genesis III ended with no-build mystery man match that, frankly, wasn’t near the best on the card. #13: The IGNWO "Meet The New Boss; Same As The Old Boss" -The immortal Austin/McMahon and original nWo angles have a lot to answer for, mainly the fact that with their exceptions, takeover angles and ownership angles have never been any good, either in real wrestling or in e-fed wrestling. The IGNWO, with it's unoriginal premise and even less original name, was more proof of this. In the spring of 2001, the IGNWF was 'sold' by majority owner Jayson Grant to an ambiguous company named "The Firm," its Japanese origins clearly noted. A chairman by the name of Shinji Nobunaga, a new character that was inteded to be a secret ringer, but almost everyone knew immediately was Jayson, was appointed by the Firm and sent to inspect the federation. During the Crossfire PPV, after the main event, Nobunaga's TRUE INTENTIONS were revealed and his own personal henchmen were formed into the IGNWO, a group of fading legends given another oppertunity by Nobunaga, included Pimp Daddy Sarp, Mercury, Chris Wilson, Spike and Rane, both making nonsensical heel turns to join the stable. Their goal was simple: With the new chairman behind them, they'd dominate the fed. Unfortunately, the stable only seemed to accelerate how fast the group faded away, as they failed to make any substantial waves despite having more hype than Jesus, and were continally bested by the likes of the Midnight Carnival at every turn. Eventually, the struggling stable would be forced to merge with the rapidly rising Chris Wilson, who would cut the dead weight, allowing Nobunaga and his Firm to thankfully fade into the annals of history, fed ownership not referenced again until another infamous moment... #12: Merc’s Ear “You ever listen to K-Billy's "Super Sounds of the Seventies" weekend? It's my personal favorite…” -In November of 2002, dark and mysterious promos began popping up on the board and in shows leading up to Ashes to Ashes. No one quite knew what to make of it, especially after the recent fall of the Japanese/Gothic stable known as the Clan. The person never showed themselves until a few shows before AtA: Sigil, a massive, bald-headed monster. Sigil had some promise, but all of it was to go down the drain at AtA. It was there that, backstage, Sigil randomly attacked Mercury, and, for no apparent reason, ripped his ear off. Not cut, not lacerated, ripped it clean off with his hand. This was soon followed by Tom Flesher finding Mercury and, while doing his best Horatio impression, vowed that “this will not go unanswered…” This inane promo resulted in a short feud with Judge Mental and Sigil, in which Judge unceremoniously defeated Sigil and tossed him to the wayside forever like a lonely, detached aural flap. #11: Let's Get It On "OOC Must Stand For 'Out-Of-Cookie' Now..." -Perfect Bo has always been an interesting writer, but the most interesting moment in his character's history came over a three week span in spring 2002. Writing a complex, confusing, though interesting series of over a half-dozen promos, it covered Bo's personal life, family life, son, a gunfight(!) with Thugg, and closed out with a graphic sex scene, the only in fed history. Though an interesting bit of work, the promos had one key problem: Bo retired three times in the span of three weeks, and virtually nothing covered in the promo had anything to do with the SWF itself. Concluded after the final promo and forgotten almost immediately afterwards, the sex scene remains one of the most bizzare and inexplicable moments written in the SWF. This is one of the few moments that has happened in the TSM era. #10: Ash Tray Murder "Because Sometimes Lung Cancer Is Just Too Slow" -The background to the Clan has always been purposely enigmatic to enhance its dark image, and as cliche as it frequently was, it was probably just as well; whenever the Clan's founder, Spider Nekura, actually did try to expand on any backstory, it usually ended up... rather embarassing. A standout moment occured in late spring 2002, in which Spider wrote a promo about meeting with millionare benefactors of the Clan in a board room in Tokyo. As if the idea that the Clan was not only an international clandestine cult wasn't hard enough to believe -- with their main focus being a wrestling federation, despite this -- Spider would KILL one of the benefactors with an ashtray, after being insulted. It's a little surprising that with all this influence, power and the ability to get away with murder, Spider never actually managed to win a singles title within the WF. #9: McCheese = McJesus? "The Passion Of the Mayor" -Mayor McCheese. The name brings back memories of great cruiserweight action. But those memories are soon overpowered by memories of an incredibly stupid angle. Mayor McCheese and all of the Phoenix Uprising (Which consisted of MM, Rane, and Pimp Daddy Sarp) were feuding with Prime Evil (Consisting of Madrac, Molock, Angelous, and Exploding Chicken) at the time. Most heated of all was McCheese and Chicken. It was classic evil, sadistic heels taking on brave, morally right faces. And in that exchange, the sadistic heels usually win. And on one fateful IGNite, it was truer than ever before, and perhaps ever again. As the memories are a bit hazy, I’ll bypass the specifics of why McCheese was in the ring, but he was. As expected, Prime Evil soon joined him. What followed shocked all those who read. A standard heel beatdown occurred, but it didn’t stop with McCheese laid out on the mat, or bleeding, or carted away on a stretcher. Nay, that any of those would have been lucky for the Mayor, but his luck ran out on that night. The Mayor was subjected to the ultimate in evil heel actions. Crucifixion. He was not tied to a symbol of sorts. Nails were driven into his flesh and through the wood, and one into his heart. McCheese was dead and the IGNWF mourned. Now comes the completely insane part. Actually, promos involving Mr. Galatea and the ghost of McCheese and then ghost Galatea and ghost McCheese followed. But soon after that, insanity. McCheese revealed to the world that his death was staged in order for him to escape from his hectic pro wrestling life. The nails Exploding Chicken drove into his flesh were simply props. #8: Lady Red "Apparently, She Just Locked Annie In The Closet For A Few Weeks..." -The most memorable heel turn in all of Annie Eclectic's career would be her historic first. At the end of her amazing 10 match winning streak that began her career, she began to write Annie a little darker and more distant, eventually culminating her defection from JL face stable XF9 and into the Clan, assuming the 'Lady Red' character. It would lead into her eventual promotion to the SWF. And then it all went horribly wrong. Despite being hailed as a rookie destined for great things, her 10 match winning streak in the JL was met by a 10 match LOSING streak in the WF, something that couldn't be explained for the life of anyone. Annie, however, gave it the ol' college try. In a nonsensical twist, it was revealed that Lady Red had not been Annie, but rather, her demented twin sister Allison! Who was not only insane in the membrain, but, apparently, a pacifist as well. Though this unbelievable swerve was even harder to swallow than her losses, the resulting face turn did allow Annie to get her career on track. #7: The Ownership Angle "Man! We're talking about wrestling, man! It doesn't need to logical, aight?" -The old timers' angle that led up to Genesis IV last year was a doozy, no doubt about it. Left sleeping for a long time, the ownership of the SWF/IGNWF hadn't been brought into storylines since it'd first been a fixture of the IGNWO. This was set to change, however, as a confrontation between legends set the stage for some of the more ludicrous events in recent memory. Originally beginning with the Firm wishing to sell their core interest in the SWF, Mark Stevens and the HVille Thugg came to rescue, each buying two thirds of the the Firm's share. Immediately thereafter, the perks of ownership seemed to go straight to Thugg's head, which was further compounded by the appearance of Thugg's never-before-heard-of brother, Bastion, who was big, tough, mute, and generally a perfect replication of Thugg's early JL character, right down to being allowed to tear through the roster and even beat up Mark Stevens himself, in a highly questioned part of the angle. Though Bastion was stinky, the angle was set to become even more ridiculous: Gaping plot holes would appear with how Thugg's shares added up and exactly what kind of power being owner entailed, which would lead to a famous diatribe from Thugg on how logic didn't matter in wrestling. The quality of the angle declined even further as Thugg tired of Bastion quickly and, despite being made to look bigger than King Kong, he was dropped without another word and Thugg put himself back into action... despite having a critical neck injury that should've prevented him from ever walking again! Another sharp turn in the storyline's road revealed the Suicide King to be the man that bought the final third of the SWF's controlling interest, and things were set for a showdown between the three men at Genesis... which suddenly became a match between wrestlers selected by the three, battling it out for the men they represented with the fed's commissionership on the line. Mark would win, Thugg and King would fade to the background, and the angle would go down as yet another milestone in these three men's illustrious career... for all the wrong reasons. #6: Skull Radio "...*khzzzzt* purple flame to brass hat... no bus no *kzzzt*..." -As this list has proven, the SWF and IGNWF has been home to bad angles, dumb angles, offensive angles and downright ludicrous ones. And then there are a special breed of ideas that make a person stop and say "...wtf." This would truly be one of them. The Clan, for all of its cliche evil nature, included a complex relationship between 'The Balancer' Thoth, and 'The Slaughterer' Silent. The two key members of the stable, beside leader Spider Nekura, began a power struggle that led to an epic feud, in which titles were not the only prizes on the line. Though Silent was IGNML champion, the richest treasure was the conversion and recruitment of fresh blood into the Clan, and the allegience of rookies to one man or the other. A charming angle in its own right, but Thoth felt it could use a little more... spice. Reacting to Silent's promos of brainwashing Christian Fury into the Clan, Thoth came up with a brilliant idea to subject to new Clannie John Kruger: A a radio transmitter would be planted into his skull, sending messages telling him to remain faithful to the Clan and owe his allegience to Thoth. This genius angle was dropped faster than a hot potato, but its asinine legend had continued to live on, immortalizing itself in the number six spot on our list. #5: eXodus "Oh God (literally)" -One of the grandest misfires the fed has ever seen, impressive for its ambition and sad for its overextension. After his run as a triple-title holder in the JL, the high-flying face Xstasy was bumped to the WF at 2001’s inaugural From the Fire pay-per-view. He was considered a lock to win the light heavyweight title and cruise to the top of the fed, but it wasn’t meant to be. The same night of his debut, X began an angle where the character’s mother died, sending Xstasy spiraling into a deep depression. He began to hallucinate, briefly disappeared… …and came back in a metal mask. eXodus was Xstasy, but with a weird religious twist. He wore a metal mask, spoke in frightening, biblical vagaries, and considered himself a weird savior conducting rites over the fate of the fed. His first match in the altered persona showed a heap of promise – it ended with the debut of the super-sweet whipback kick, and read faster and more intense than X’s earlier work. Unfortunately, the story behind it all torpedoed any chance of success. Here are the details. X’s original plan for the angle was as follows. The eXodus story was supposed to be a fed-wide angle. An apocalypse was coming – a fed-wide war between X’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and another group of four that eXodus believed to be all evil and not-righteous and crap. Edwin was going to be one member of the opposition (or so X told him once, while Edwin just kinda nodded and said, uh, yeah, sure, whatever)…and no one had any idea who’d complete the “other side” in the war. And no one knew what the “Apocalypse” was supposed to entail either, except that it was…apocalyptic? In fact, nobody except X knew anything about what was supposed to happen, and even that’s questionable. This lack of planning and commitment was the biggest problem – X’s first “horseman” was Harbinger, a guy who won something like 5 matches ever. X renamed him “Reason.” Apostle was the next choice, and he was actually a good call…but after that, there was no one. Team Evil stalled at 3. The eXodus angle needed about 10 people to sign on to even get off the ground, and no one was budging. Whoops. It wasn’t helped by the fact that the Horsemen wrote attack promos without people’s permission. Normally, a little beat-em-up here and there wouldn’t be a problem, but when you have fucking Harbinger attacking World Title Contender Bobby Riley and knocking him out no problem, something’s a little out of sorts. Within two months, the entire fed had turned on the angle. eXodus couldn’t find another horseman or win a match to save his soul, and the Midnight Carnival had taken to superkicking him in his metal face and filling every match with about sixteen “CLANG!” jokes. The mysterious promos stopped being mysterious and started being irritating as everyone realized that the angle was dead in the water, indefinitely. What was supposed to be one of the fed’s first truly epic, serious storylines turned into one of its goofiest skewerings. By August, Reason had retired, Apostle had left and returned as a chain-swinging anti-hero, and happy-dancin', maskless Xstasy had returned. #4: Rane's Growth Spurt "Balco ain't got NOTHIN' on this shit." -So, remember the days when a growth spurt occured seemingly overnight and you looked down, saw some hair down there, and realized you were a man? If you're TBS, probably not. But for the rest of us, we all think of that period in our lives fondly. Most of us got our first action during that period, and we certainly aquired our current voice pitch and we didn't grow 13 inches and 200 pounds in a week. Somehow, though, our third world champion--a man who would be a first-ballot hall-of-famer and one of the most dominating forces in the history of the IGN/SWF--did. Be it through steroids or platform shoes, the legend managed to pack on a few... hundred pounds and shoot up the beanstalk about a foot, literally overnight. And the great part about it all is that precisely NO ONE mentioned it ever happening again in the future. Or maybe it was just so stupid that it deserved to be in the top five stupidest moments in SWF history. #3: Red Storm Rising Conquers The IGNJL "Because The InVasion Was So Successful, We Needed Our Own!" -Towards the end of 2001, the IGNJL was in a state of flux, having lost most of its main eventers to the IGNWF. With a lack of talent at the top, Brimstone, who had created a stable titled Red Storm Rising, managed to convince JLCC and the current World Champion, The Boston Strangler, to allow Red Storm Rising to take over the IGNJL. They renamed the shows, Brimstone became the champion, and the Red Storm Reich was born...for about three shows. Due to Brimstone instantly disappearing as soon as he had won the belt, the rest of the Red Storm Rising stable quit on him, leaving the JL with almost no heels, no World Champion, and a total clusterfuck of an angle. The belt was quickly transitioned back to the Boston Strangler and Brimstone disappeared for months, eventually resurfacing with a new character, known as Johnny Dangerous. However, a World Title win is not enough to erase the memories of Brimstone's glorious vision of a Red Storm Reich that was approximately as successful as a Pat Buchannan presidential run. #2: El Luchadore Magnifico Impales Chris Wilson's Hands With Flags "It's Only A Flesh Wound!" -One of the most controversial angles in IGNWF/SWF history was the original World Title Tournament held leading into Genesis II. Chris Wilson held the belt, and sat on it for over a month while everyone else battled for the right to face him in the main event. It ended with what people consider as one of the greatest match-ups of all time in the federation's history: Chris Wilson vs. Stubby McWeed vs. Axis vs. Neilsen of the Jungle vs. King of Hearts vs. El Luchadore Magnifico. However, the ending was one of the most contrived moments ever witnessed. El Luchadore Magnifico took a pair of Mexican flags and stabbed them through Chris Wilson's hands, pinning him to the mat. He then went to the top rope and hit the Mexican Pride Press (because multiple stab wounds won't get the job done, but a flying slam will) for the win to become IGNWF World Champion. This huge upset began the meteoric rise of ELM to the top echelon of the SWF's performers, but his first World Title victory will always be remembered for this unreal moment rather than overcoming five other men in perhaps the most competitive main event in history. #1: Chris Wilson Blows Up FAO Schwartz "Carnies in Toyland" -The man who opened the list, poetically, closes it out with the unanimously voted number one stupidest moment in federation history. It happened during the fed’s first year, but it remains one of the most outlandish and glorious events to ever occur within its hallowed frame. In July of 2001, Chris Wilson blew up FAO Schwartz. Wilson was just getting into the evil mastermind character that would define his career. He’d held the hardcore gamer’s championship for two months, just started up a stable with the Hville Thugg and Spider Nekura, and was in position to start making a run towards the upper titles. Recently, Wilson’s stable had traded shots in a prank war with the Midnight Carnival, who had lovingly named their opposition “Wilson’s Meat Festival.” This was the classic Carnival – the King of Hearts, Mark Stevens, Edwin MacPhisto, Chris Raynor, and Spark. In terms of prankiness, any heel would be outmatched, even one who wrote as many promos as Wilson. So, Wilson went big. Really, really big. “Carnies in Toyland” was a whimsical, silly promo – Wilson and company led the Carnies through a funhouse o’ horrors in New York’s most famous toy store. Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robot style boxing, a panda deluge, and lots of ridiculous walkie talkies. It was all going along well…until Wilson had a bomb. The Carnies had to evacuate everyone from the store! Wilson pressed the detonator! The fed’s dignity was blown to ooey gooey smithereens! Anyone who’s been to FAO Schwarz knows that it takes up multiple stories and fills nearly an entire city block. Now, picture a bunch of wrestlers in casual dress leaping out of exploding windows to safety while ANOTHER wrestler laughs maniacally a few blocks away, clutching a detonator in the middle of the summer. Try to not to pee yourself. Wilson did a lot of crazy things, but never again would he hit this peak. People talk about a post-9/11 world, but for the SWF, it’s post-FAO Schwarz. After something that had less to do with wrestling than anything that had come before it, it was open season on anything. Lesson learned: commit the LARGEST-EVER ACT OF DOMESTIC TERRORISM ON UNITED STATES’ SOIL, and the world title can be yours. And there you have it! The official Top-25 Stupidest Moments to ever occur in the fed's illustrious history. The list was difficult to put together, as well over 50 different ideas were suggested. Some, however, stood out as better than everything else, but just not good enough to crack the 25, so I would like to proudly present the best of the rest! Dishonorable Mention: Death On Ice "It's Like Hockey, Only Somehow More Boring!" -After the Boston Strangler was bumped to the IGNWF, he won the Hardcore Title and began a feud with Munich over the belt. After a lackluster buildup, which bascially consisted of Strangler randomly assaulting Munich and his friends at places outside the SWF arenas, the two agreed to a blowoff match with an interesting stipulation: Death On Ice. Strangler and Munich put on one of the worst matches in SWF history, as they quickly figured out that it was absolutely impossible to have a match take place on ice. After some half-hearted brawling, Strangler won the match, but the readers were the true winners, as they got to laugh at perhaps the stupidest stipulation in SWF history (which has never been heard from again). Dishonorable Mention: Grahf "Kahran Ramsus Was Cooler Anyway" -The IGNWO's big, tough hoss, Grahf was a charcter of Mecury's design and Xenogears' origin. Written as if he'd tear every wrestler on the roster limb from limb, Grahf actally made a decent case from himself at the beginning with surprise victories over Thugg and Mistress Sarah. And then the wheels came off. Grahf became mired in a no-showing/losing streak of epic proportions, seemingly proposterous given his character history. The most ridiculous moment being a very memorable match against a cardboard cutout of Cyclone Comet... which Grahf LOST. Unbelieveably, a short feud was actually engaged with against the Cardboard Comet, effectively draining any lifeblood out of the once(?) promising character, and sentancing it to a place on this list. Dishonorable Mention: Neilsen's Rape. "Neilsen, Outcast, Laura... and a Closet?" -Neilsen of the Jungle and Outcast. The hatred between these two runs deep. Deeper than most oceanic trenches? Probably not, but definitely deeper than any amount of thinking that Spike Jenkins has had, but that’s not saying much. Regardless of this, the two never liked each other. They were often members of opposing stables, and on the times Cast turned heel, Neilsen was even heelier. This hatred seemed to be on the verge of coming to a head on every show, and it often did. Or something. Anyway, one night, Neilsen was backstage, as was Cast’s current girlfriend, Laura. This was of great significance as she was still alive after three weeks because any woman associated with Outcast seemed to have a nasty habit of being shot by a mugger outside the arena as the two were walking to their car. Back to the story at hand. Neilsen was backstage as was Laura. Outcast might have been there, too, but he was not in the immediate vicinity of Laura. Neilsen, however, was. As things transpired, Neilsen seemed to have raped Laura, a most dastardly deed for any heel! Accusations were made by Outcast, with Neilsen firmly denying it, and Laura wasn’t saying anything, either. This went on for some time, with everyone wondering if what happened in that closet would be revealed. It never was. Because Outcast is incapable of finishing half of the things he starts, so he’s just a step above Godrea in that category. Dishonorable Mention: Exploding Chicken and the Straw Dummies "Kluck, Kluck, Ka-Boo--Kluck, Kluck, Ka-Boo--Kluck, Kluck, Ka-Boo--" Anyone who knows e-wrestling knows that while it shouldn't be taken too seriously, sometimes it is, and people go way over the line when things go how they don't want them to. And then, there is the entire original roster of the IGNJL, where we didn't take things too seriously. The original JL roster simply ignored the wishes of EVERYONE, leading frequently to disaster. In the beginning, when everyone was first figuring out how to play this game that called e-fedding, the JL had a promo page, where promos were rapid-fired left and right with constant twists and turns. None of it was good enough to go on the main page, to have a thread of it's own. And so, there was a venerable clusterfuck of attacks and counterattacks. And all was well with the internet. There were two stables in the JL around thist time. There was Prime Evil, founded by Molock and Angelous, and the BIO (Bring-It-On). Focusing on Prime Evil, led by Madrac -- who would later go on to be one of many people who simply vanished without a trace -- there were many attacks on the promo page. And more attacks. And yet MORE attacks. You see, the thing is, the target of most of these attacks was one Exploding Chicken. Not enjoying getting randomly attacked and defaced, he innovated something truly beautiful and inane; straw dummies with tape recorders stuffed up their asses. You see, whenever he was attacked, he would come along some time later and decide, WAIT! That didn't happen. It was a straw dummy! And so was the IGNJL shaped for months the come. Dishonorable Mention: Midjit's Debut "Stupid Things Come In Small Packages" -Midjit may be one of the all-time most idiotic characters in fed history, although his debut is an extra-special event of idiocy. Debuting in a series of promos challanging the world champion and making promises to win the big belt, Midjit was not only a smart mouthed rookie, but a 5'4" joke character that couldn't be taken seriously -- even in the face of some of the other things on this list. His first match, unbeliveably, was a victory that ended with a ladder, a mid-air reversal, and a table spot. As you can imagine, this pedigree led to Midjit being on the very bottom of the ML undercard for some time, until he was finally replaced by Insane Luchador, a 'lifelong friend.' But the story of Midjit didn't end there, unfortunately. A particularly stupid series of events took place afterwards, including Midjit getting shot, surviving, and then in a shocking swerve, committing suicide, which led to the deranged mental state of IL that we've come to know and love. Midjit may be gone, but his legend lives on. --- And so concludes the list! Stay tuned for most Top-25's in the coming weeks!

Ran a little long, but that had some real highlights. "...they do, however, reflect the views of the United States government." Satire is the most difficult, and also the most rewarding, form of comedy. Was the girl intended to be driving a BMW, or was that an unintentional bit of delicious irony? -Z

Yeah, but I mean, assuming you include the principle of choosing your own entrance order, many of your own competitors and a list of people who for sure wanted to be included or write the match, it still should've worked. Consider me duly impressed. Also, the correct answer is that nobody thought of it three years ago because I have never actually booked a CF card. Obviously. -Z

Posting the Clusterfuck card a month ahead of time... God, that's so simple. Why didn't we think of this three years ago? -Z

I am neither amused nor intrigued, but rather, gladdened. Also... wait, what? Oh, Muzzums, you didn't.

Define "unnecessary." Baby, you knows I gots love for you. But I gotta lay down the law. Seriously, WC, I'm not sure I've ever jobbed you to anybody. I think I even gave you a win over Ejiro... -Z

Oh, and having me removed from the SWF mods list? Autojobs eternally. -Z

Yes, and I even remembered to send my matches in. Since it's Genesis, I actually even read them! For those of you who missed the memo, this is how I roll, with no roll ups. Those are autojobs. Finishers out of nowhere? Autojob. Head drop, followed by no selling long enough to lariat somebody and then selling? Autojob. Mat work that you think looks cool to start a match and then goes nowhere? Autojob. Unnecessarily retarded flipflopery? Autojob. Chairshots, ref-bumps and Dusty finishes? Autojob. Spike Jenkins? Autojob. Failure to display an appropriate reverence and military-like command of the English language? Autojob. Basically anything I see or deem to be unworthy of my considerably important time? Autojob. Compliance is not optional. That will result in an autojob. Further complainers will be autojobbed again, and then booked in a match against Ebony. What, you don't think I can still make that happen? You underestimate my power. -Z

Force chokes for all, insolent fool!

Yes. I'm genuinely surprised you've never listened to Echo & the Bunnymen before, but I was positive you'd be all over Ocean Rain. It's one of those albums I get swallowed up in and lets the world disappear for a little while. Supes: I'm surviving - it's been a busy couple of years. You're actually still on my AIM list, having endured as one of those "I don't really talk to this guy but keep him around for his amusing away messages" people. -Z

I'm not sure I understand how being critical shows I don't care. If I didn't care, I wouldn't say anything at all. As I mentioned before, as far as I'm concerned my comments on the current situation are a reflection of reality. However, I do detest fatalism in all of its forms - while I guess what I say implies that the SWF is doomed, I'm aware that may not actually happen. Christ knows the fed has teetered on the edge of a knife before, countless times before, and reeled itself back in. Everything I've said was more or less a supporting argument for my comments about the long title reigns; I didn't realize that should have come with a twelve point plan for the fed's recovery. For the record, I've suggested a couple of ideas, privately at least, as solutions to the SWF's problems. I don't think you'd like most of them, since they tend to advocate a haitus and total restructuring, which I believe is the only genuine long-term solution. Again, I see returnees only as a band-aid fix, both writing, booking and marking wise. That said, I've also considered returning to competition myself, but that's hinged on who's participating at the current time. You'll forgive me for wanting to involve myself in the fed with people I'm friends with. Also, what I've said isn't a dig at Landon, or anybody else. The discussion about who's had the most title reigns came up, and I mentioned I felt the unnecessarily long runs are a byproduct of less competition. For a change, I actually think that's an objective statement to come out of my mouth; I don't think it really matters who's holding the belts in that case. -Z

Well, I'm sorry I'm not Mr. Positive. Next time I'll save any relevant criticism firmly in the back of my mouth and spew mindless praise instead. Oh, wait, no I won't. I'm not particularly concerned about whether what I says helps anything, and I'm terribly sorry my pointed commentary apparently devalues your fake title reigns in make believe wrestling. How inconsiderate of me. The fact you even consider four or five new writers, the balance of which are returnees, to be a promising sign is telling. Filling up the roster with returnees has never, not ever, indicated a good sign for the health of the SWF. Returnees have limited shelf life, especially if they're people that have been involved on the writing end of the spectrum for a long time, or have been away from the fed for a long time. But I suppose only know this because I have been a returnee multiple times, and booked them for the better part of two years or so. And again, this is an infinitely smaller crop of returnees and new writers than regularly occured in the past. The SWF is still in a weaker state than it's ever been; argue with me about everyting else all you like, but I can't fathom how you're disputing that. By the way, where in the fuck did I say anything about the World Title needing the best writer in the fed to hold it, or the second and third best writers in the fed to compete for it? I didn't even imply that. All I said was that the World Title needs the highest level of COMPETITION in the fed, which is to say it needs to have a steady stream of able challengers. Sitting on the title for months because only one person that wants to write for the championship is retarded. And for Christ's sake, Toxxic, I advocated more angles more often than any other booker in history - what you just said is so stupid it's ignorant. Of course I know angles are important, but belts are important, too, because if you're not striving for something other than the inevitable co-written PPV blowoff, then we really are becoming the OAOAST. There has to be some kind of balance that can be maintained. I also realize that the Lethal Lottery and World Title Tournaments were terrible ideas that just bred the resentment of the fed. But angles, by their nature, should be flexible. I've never understood why so many people found it impossible to do a feud without booking every match against their opponent for six weeks ahead of time and not thinking of any way they could simultaneously be worked into a title picture. It isn't hard, and I routinely tried to help people with it. If you'd like to continue building straw men, I'll direct you to the CE folder where that kind of horseshit is acceptable. And by the way... I've been a part of the SWF in some capacity, actively involved or as a spectator, for over five years. Don't try to guilt me with your thinly-vieled, cockpulling arrogance with statements like "..but just because Landon's taken the time to keep track and compile the history of this place, don't come in and start badmouthing the last couple of years." That's beyond insulting. You don't think the current state of the fed upsets me? You don't think I realize that there are people that continue to put unnecessary amounts of time into this silly game, just because they don't know why they love it? I'm aware that you are one right now - but I was one in the past, and the fed matters enough I'm still willing to make a positive contribution in the future. But save that rubbish for someone without the will to return the effort; it's not going to stop me from being realistic. -Z

You act like it ever did. I am, however, always right, regardless of who's paying attention. The fact is that the World Title is still the World Title, and as a result it should always have the highest quality of competition. I have always felt that if the World Title isn't being valued on the whole, it reflects incredibly poorly on the rest of the fed and displays a lack of initiative. I remember being incredibly frustrated during the whole world title crisis in 2004 because I constantly had to prod people into the world title division to make up for the string of retiring champions, and most of them didn't respond well because they felt they either weren't "worthy" of the main event or weren't good enough. That said, everything you mentioned was valid, although it's really missing my point. The quality of competition has declined irrecovably since 2005, as the result of a tiny roster, a lack of new participants and an increase in no-shows, which was already pretty high at any point in fed history. I was simply using the World Title as an obvious example. I'm not marginalizing the contributions of people that have actually put effort in since then, but the biggest reason they've had the unparalleled success title wise is because writers that are consistently writing are few and far between. You feel me? Don't get mad at me for telling the truth; no sane person can say the fed is better off now than it was in ANY previous year. -Z

I'm just saying, after that point the fed basically existed on the strength of you, Toxxic, Johnny and... uh... well, I guess Mak came back for a while, and Rando has the title now. Let's be truthful, the only reason there's been record-setting title reign after record-setting title reign is because little legitimate new talent has entered the fed SINCE Toxxic. Up until '04, the main event would get a forcible realignment every three to five months. In my mind, a 30 day title reign in 2003 is worth about 75 now, and a 30 day reign in '01 is worth about 90. It's kinda like inflation, I'm not just being Muzzesque. -Z

If we're counting the JL/ML, then Landon is actually the all-time winner with 18 title reigns, closely followed by Muzz with 17. I personally find Muzz and Thoth's reigns to be the most impressive - Muzz has held basically every title in the fed except the JL TV, JL Euro and Cruiserweight. He's also the <I>third</i> JL world champ, a fact that is rather wonderful/scary. Thoth holds the distinction of being the only person to have won all of the world titles in federation history, ML, JL and WF, the kind of record which is just really cool. Personally, I think a whole bunch of these reigns are superfluous - I honestly wouldn't count anything after the end of 2005. -Z

Oh, man, you didn't like Pavement? That's unacceptable. I second the motion of retrying with Slanted and Enchanted, and further the point by stating if you do not find that album to be somewhere in the realm of awesome to totally awesome, you can't be on my Cool People List anymore. You don't want to be off of my Cool People List. That'd mean you're pretty uncool. I'm so far out of the music scene it isn't even funny, but let me see what I can offer. If you haven't heard of Pavement, you probably haven't heard of the Afghan Whigs. Take one Congregation and call me in the morning. I am willing to be that you have heard of Echo & The Bunnymen, in fact they seem like the kind of thing you'd be kinda into, but I'll go out on a limb and call for some Ocean Rain as well. This is just because it's become one of my favourite albums over the course of a couple of years. Also, if symptoms worsen, I have another prescription for Grails' Black Tar Prophecies. It's kind of metal. It's kind of not. It's mostly instrumental, and Crowe is responsible for putting it on my hard drive. I've listened to it several times and I still can't figure the goddamn thing out, maybe you can help. Also, if you're feeling adventurous, keep on the look out for Bongwater's Double Bummer. I have not actually heard this album, but... well, read allmusic.com's description and you'll understand why I've searched for four years. I have yet to unearth any tangible physical form of it, though; maybe you can do better. -Z

Well, I mean, if Kibagami is going to come back to no-show, I might as well, too. -Z

Man. I don't remember the last time someone wrote an in-ring promo outside of a show. I know, back on IGN, it used to happen all the time, particularly in the JL/ML promo threads. In fact, the whole concept of promos happening outside of the ring/arena was completely foreign until several writers - I think Xstasy in particular - started to do it in earnest. I love the "perpetual arena" concept anyway. It's a grand halmark of efeds, almost as much as black trenchcoats and teenage angst. -Z

I'm aware that last one was an even baker's dozen. However, I see the rules getting bent in the name of a truly spiritual masterwork. -Z