How Michael Cole won the Tag Team Titles

[Guest The Superstar]

This story courtesy of michaelcole.co.uk

 

‘We’re just three weeks away from the first Wrestlemania of the Millennium! Hello everybody I’m Jim Ross along side Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler and have we gotta –‘

 

Viscera’s music blares across the arena.

 

‘- it’s the new commissioner…Viscera!’

 

‘Ha! Ha! Vis the Comish!’

 

 

 

Viscera, dressed in a tweed suit, waddles down the aisle and rolls into the ring. He procures a microphone.

 

‘Helloo every buuddy! Its me Viisceraaaaaa! Yuur Commishonaaaaaa! Huh! Huh! Huh! Last night when I beeaat The Rock, HHH, Stone Cold, Mick Foley, Ryan Shamrock, The American LAMEasss! Huh! Huh! Huh! And Shane McMahonon in an eight man, HELL in da CELL exploding table match, World Championship retirement match for de rights to da Commishonaaa – I won dat match! Bitch!’

 

 

 

(Editors note: This unfortunate situation was caused to come about after Eric Bishoff lured all away all seven of the other Hell in the Cell competitors to rival promotion WCW. Vince was forced to think fast and, booking on the fly, penciled in a retirement World Title match for the rights to the commissioner position so that he could kill all his birds with one stone: make Foley lose the commissionership, Shamrock lose the title, and ‘retire’ all seven ship-jumpers.)

 

 

 

‘That’s right last night Vis became the World Champion and The Commissioner! After that fantastic Splash through the Cell into an exploding table!’

 

‘He’s fat!’

 

 

 

‘Roll dat footaaaagge Kevin Dunn. And remberr keep yo finger ooff the switch!’

 

 

 

The titan-tron flickers into life and Viscera is shown standing alone on top of the cell. The camera pans slowly down, revealing that all seven other competitors are stacked up on a single table – wired with C4 explosives! Viscera looks straight into the camera and after making the sign of Saturn (and thereby acknowledging his fallen ‘brother’ (for storyline purposes)) splashes through a section of the cell. He falls inspiringly through the air for almost three feet before coming into contact with the top body on the stack (Ryan Shamrock), and with that the table explodes - filling the ring with smoke. When the smoke has cleared Viscera stands almost alone in the ring, with only his former stable-mate Mike Kiota there to present him with the World Title. The footage ends.

 

 

 

The crowd begins to chant: ‘Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!’.

 

‘Who are the crowd chanting for JR?’

 

‘I cant quite make it out…I think…Yes! The crowd are chanting for that young stud who shafted his opponents last night – Viscera!’

 

 

 

‘Yoo know what Bitches? After watchin me win, there’s only one thing left to do now! Daaance Suckaa!’

 

After over 15 minutes of Viscera gracefully dancing accross the ring he finally slides into the back.

 

 

 

After the commercial break D.O.A 2001’s music hits (An acid rock track composed by controversial rockers Northern Line) and they march down to the ring and grab microphones.

 

‘As you know we are D.O.A 2001 and we are the tag team champions of the world!’ Skull 2001 screams at the audience.

 

‘You damn right my brother! We have brought justice back to the federation!’ Eight-Ball 2001 replies in equally dulcet tones.

 

‘Since we arrived in the WWF just one weeks ago we have shown how D.O.A Kick that Shizznt!’

 

‘Your right brother…Doggy Style!’

 

 

 

(Editors note: When Vince realized, just over a week ago, that all of his legitimate Badasses (Stone Cold, The Undertaker and the Road Dogg (Although the Dogg was not jumping ship to WCW, he had been released months earlier after attempting one of his patented moonsaults, while stoned, on Stephanie McMahon (Leaving her with fragmented fibula and a cracked clavicle))) were leaving him (to feud with Arquette, the Marmadukes and drug addiction, respectively) he was understandably frightened – WWF Attitude had always revolved around its bad mo'fo's. Out of desperation Vince made the somewhat dubious choice of resurrecting, one of the few Badass gimmicks he still owned the copyright to: D.O.A. Since he desperately didn’t want this gimmick to fail he reasoned he should give it to the best two wrestlers left in the promotion: Kurt Angle and Chris Jericho. Vince also decided and demanded that Jericho and Angle comprise all three of the Badass’s features and mannerisms so as to make it seem as convincing as possible, to the average mark. This meant that D.O.A 2001’s Skull, Jericho, now had a shaven head and D.O.A 2001’s Eight-Ball, Angle, had a rather mangy set of dread-locks, both were also covered in tattoos and forbidden to do any move that did not somehow involve the fore-arm.)

 

 

 

‘We’ve only been in the WWF for a week now but already with beaten every team worth beating, thanks to last nights 10-way-exploding-buried-alive-match.’

 

‘Your right brother…remember what we did to Lo Down with that exploding trout in the final?’

 

‘Yeah! WHO SUCKS NOW!’

 

‘Hahahahahahaha…oh brother!’

 

‘Ha! But seriously, we are issuing an open challenge at Wrestlemania to any team in that back that we didn’t beat last night. Come out here and show yourselves if you dare, and if you want a piece of this meat.’ Skull points at his groin, where his tag-belt is strapped.

 

‘Hahahaahahah!’

 

‘Broth-hahahahahahahaahahaha!’

 

 

 

‘Those damn bastards! Damn them! Damn them! Kick out Mick! Damn it! Damn it!’

 

‘Calm down JR – those guys really are legitimate Bad A-Double-Crooked-Letter that’s for sure!’

 

Suddenly a very fat man appears at the top of the ramp.

 

‘My god! That – that’s Paul Bearer! Could it be! The return of Kane! Kane’s gonna challenge those damn bastards!’

 

‘JR! That isn’t Paul Bearer…it’s Kevin Kelly!’

 

‘Dammit!’

 

 

 

‘That’s right folks I’m here at the WWF walk-way waiting to introduce my new tag-team partner to you. Unlike my producer Tony Carluchi, who is just a bitch, I am ready to taste gold for the first time. Without further ado, here comes my partner…MICHAEL COLE!’

 

The main lights go out. Only a single spotlight, focused upon the roof of the arena, remains. Suddenly blaring out of the speakers around the building comes American Dream and sailing down from the rafters comes Michael Cole. The crowd goes wild.

 

Before Michael has even reached the ground he starts to speak:

 

‘That’s right folks, I’m not J’Fraid – unlike the Mets who just went 0 and 6 against the Red Socks - I’m ready, with the help of Kevin, to kick your ass and…Ha! Ha! Take your name!...Why? Because Michael Cole-’

 

The crowd join in with a ferocious cry of ‘SAID SO!’

 

At this point Skull grabs the stick:

 

‘OH! You want some?! Well I just say - ’

 

‘Bring it Brother!’

 

Cole & Kelly charge the ring. After shrugging off a few of D.O.A’s wicked forearms both Cole and Kelly hit there respective finishers, Cole with the Stone Cold Stunner, Kelly with the Banzai Drop. They take the titles off the fallen D.O.A and stand atop their bodies.

 

 

 

‘My God! Look at the carnage! Cole and Kelly! Cole and Kelly! Tag champions!’

 

‘JR – Look at the bones!’

 

‘My God!’

 

 

 

(Editors note: Although on this occasion JR made the foolish error of calling Michael Cole’s finisher The Stone Cold Stunner, he was both verbally and physically lambasted by Vince and told clean up his act. JR never made such an error again, calling the move by its correct name – The Stone COLE Stunner.)

 

 

 

Over the following two weeks the Cole and Kelly Connection (as Michael christens the team) become entwined in a bitter feud with the Disciples of The Apocalypse, going at each other with a savagery not seen since The Goodwin-Headbanger feud of 98; During one another’s matches they stand at ringside, showing anything but their mutual respect as they proceed to interfere with one another – dealing out savage beatings.

 

At this time a series of vignettes also play (On shows such as Shotgun Challenge, Saturday Night Main Event and Thunder) showing Michael getting Kelly ‘in shape’ for Wrestlemania by forcing him to do tasks ranging from running up hills, to giving (current IC champ) Mideon repeated stink-faces. Each vignette culminates in Kelly failing to do whatever task Michael has set for him – causing Michael to give him the Stunner and stand atop Kelly’s prone form, balling into his face: ‘You can’t hurt me!’

 

 

 

All this culminates at the last Smackdown before Wrestlemania. Michael Cole is berating Kevin Kelly in the centre of the ring about failing the pie-eating task that had been set for him. Michael Cole boots Kelly in the chest, in preparation for the Stunner, but then D.O.A 2001’s music blasts across the arena.

 

‘Well looky here! If it aint Fat and Fatter! Hahahahahahahaha!’ Skull screeches.

 

‘Hahahahaha! You’re damn right brother! How do you expect to beat us when you’re too busy beating up…yourselves! Hahahahaha!’ Eight-Ball croons in reply.

 

Michael grabs the stick: ‘Now listen here D.O.A 2001's Eight-Ball! Although it may appear that I beat up Kevin each possible week that is not the case. We still have the respect for one another that we gained back when we-’

 

‘You’re so right Michael-’

 

‘Sutup Kevin! As I was saying, Back on Heat a bond was formed and that bond isn’t about to be – Ahh who cares! We’re just gonna stomp a mudhole in your candy asses anyway!’

 

The two teams charge one another and brutally fight at the base of the ramp. Suddenly Commissioner Viscera’s music hits.

 

‘Waaaht you doin? You fighting on the Visecera show! Momma didn’t raise no fool! No siir! Huh! Huh! Huh! You dumb bitches gonna need some one big to keep your faaat asses in check! I’ll referee your maaatch on Sunday! Biiiiiiiitch!’

 

 

 

‘What did he just say JR?’

 

‘I think he said…Viscera is going to referee the main event at Wrestlemania!’

 

‘He sure is fat.’

 

 

 

The teams continue to fight, while Viscera looks on and quietly dances to himself, as Smackdown ends.

 

 

 

During Heat, before the PPV, The New New Brood (featuring Joey Abs and Tiger Ali Sign) face a reformed Headbangers (Featuring D’Lo and Bajah), all the while commentators Coachman and Tazz are whoreing Wrestlemania to their maximum capabilities.

 

‘Don’t forget the Edge and Christian take on the Outsiders in that TLC match.’

 

‘Ahh who cares about that, Coachman – what I want to see is the main event when, those idiots, Michael and Kelly, get their assess kicked.’

 

‘Speaking of that Tazz – I think you should look at this.’

 

 

 

A close up of, former women’s champion, Lillian Garcia’s face is shown, she looks deeply disgusted. The camera zooms out to show Kevin Kelly animatedly describing to Lillian how when he wins the titles tonight he will happily make her one of his ‘Freaks’. Suddenly the crates stacked behind Kelly begin to move and shake. Kelly looks towards them distressed, but makes no move to run, as…the crates fall on top of Kevin Kelly…and explode! As the smoke clears a figure is seen surveying the scene - he begins to laugh.

 

 

 

‘Tazz, that’s…that’s our producer Tony Carluchi!’

 

‘Ha! Tony Carluchi must have took offence to that time Kevin called Tony Carluchi a bitch! What’s Michael gonna do now?’

 

‘I guess we’ll just have to - tune in and find out! Call 0800…’

 

 

 

(Editors note: This part of the storyline was only finalized at the last minute, originally Vince had planned that the Cole & Kelly Connection would face D.O.A as the Wrestlemania main event. However Kevin Kelly’s sky rocketing weight levels changed all that, as at each weekly weigh in Kevin’s weight increased by 100s of pounds. It is well documented that Vince has always loved big men, however he has never loved morbidly obese men, and thus Kelly was cut from the main event in the most imaginative way Vince could think of – pushing crates on him, and then blowing him up.)

 

 

 

During Wrestlemania Michael Cole is interviewed by Michael ‘PS’ Hayes, to find out his opinion on the Kelly situation:

 

‘Michael Cole, tonight has been a night of surprises, we’ve seen the reformation of Goodwins as they came through the ring to help Dean Malenko beat Linda McMahon in that Pig’s Head On A Pole match but we have also, importantly, seen Kevin Kelly feel the wrath of none other than our producer Tony Carluchi.’

 

‘You’re right Michael, tonight has been a night of surprises but I’m not going to let that get me down. Yes The Goodwins have reformed. Yes The Redsocks just went 5-1 up on The Mets. Yes Kevin Kelly has been put out of action, thanks to my producer Tony Carluchi. But NO! This will not stop me stop me for facing D.O.A tonight…for the Tag Team Titles!’

 

‘But, but Michael how’s this possible? Who’s your partner gonna to be?

 

‘Michael, my partner is going to be…ALL THE COLEAHOLICS AROUND THE WORLD!’

 

Screams of approval from the millions, and millions, of Cole fans across the globe rock the arena. Michael continues:

 

‘I’ve spoken to commissioner Viscera and he has given permission for me to fight D.O.A tonight and make history by facing them for the tag tiles…ALONE!’

 

With that Cole pushes Hayes out of camera shot.

 

‘And that’s the bottom line. Because Michael Cole –‘

 

‘SAID SO!’ Exults the crowd.

 

‘Said So.’ Michael Cole quietly finishes and walks out of shot.

 

 

 

The Disciples Of the Apocalypse versus Michael Cole, the Wrestlemania main event, was about to begin:

 

Viscera enters first, wearing a striped black and white tweed suit. After dancing bulbously and getting on the microphone proclaiming how ‘Momma didn’t raise no fool.’, he falls silent as the music of the True Peoples’ Champion hits.

 

As American Dream emanates through the hearts and minds of all present, the Titan Tron begins to recount Michael’s glory days; He is shown conducting his first interview, commentating on his first PPV and delivering his first piece of Smackdown (to Kevin Kelly, after Kelly made the mistake of passing a derogatory mark about Michael’s goatee). And then suddenly Michael Cole enters to thunderous applause.

 

He strides down to the ring. Standing alone he majestically signals to the surrounding fans, causing them to applaud once more.

 

And then D.O.A appear and without a moments pause charge the ring. The bell rings.

 

 

 

‘Here we go, this is the match we’ve all been waiting for, at the event we’ve all been waiting for! D.O.A starting off against That Michael Cole!’

 

‘‘That Michael Cole?’ JR?’

 

‘D.O.A double teaming Michael Cole! Double teaming Cole!’ JR says, a hint of glee evident in his voice.

 

 

 

Michael Cole brawling with D.O.A. Cole is beaten back into the corner by both of them. Viscera watches on. The crowd boos in disgust. Out of nowhere Michael hits a double clothesline. All three men are on the mat. Michael rolls on top of them both! 1..2 – Kickout! Eight-Ball is up first. Cole is up. Eight-Ball grabs Cole. Eight-Ball attempts to suplex Cole. He can’t lift him. He tries again. Reversal by Cole! Skull attacks Cole from behind, clotheslinning him. Skull attempts to put Cole in the Walls of Skull. He can’t get it locked in – Cole escapes to the outside. Skull follows. Cole and Skull brawl outside. Skull whips Cole into the ring-post. Cole is stunned. Skull charges Cole. Cole flips Skull into the crowd. Cole flashes the ‘I love you’. He rolls back into the ring. Eight-Ball is waiting. Eight-Ball starts to dominate Cole. Body slam by Eight-Ball. He picks Cole up. Irish whip by Eight-Ball. Cole reverses. Eight-Ball being whipped, whipped straight into Viscera! Eight-Ball and Viscera face off. Eight-Ball tries to apologize. Belly to belly suplex by Viscera! Skull is running in. He tries to hit Cole with the D.O.Aic Slam. Cole reverses. Boot. Stunner! Skull is down. Cole goes for the pin. Viscera hesitates. Viscera jumps to the ground. He starts to count. The crowd goes wild. 1…2…3!

 

 

 

‘He did it JR! Michael Cole did it! The first man ever to hold both Tag Team Titles! Viscera did have the heart of a Coleaholic after all!’

 

‘Dammit!’

 

‘What’s your problem JR?’

 

‘Impudent little son of a…!’

 

 

 

Both of D.O.A lie unconscious in the ring, Michael Cole stands over them. Viscera takes a microphone and the titles from ring-side.

 

‘WWWTTTFFF buuuudy! Yoou did it Cole! I ain’t seen nothing like dat since back in da day! Noo sir! Huh! Huh! Huh! I wanted test you and you passed! Biggy style! Yess sir! Your momma didn’t raise no fool! Here are your titles! Biiiiiiiitch!’

 

As the crowd reverently chants Michael’s name he takes one belt in each hand and holding them aloft lets out a primal scream of exultation. He had done it!

 

 

 

‘Dammit, I wont stand for any more of this crap! A man’s had as much as he can take! Dammit!’

 

‘What? Where are you going JR?’

 

‘I’m gonna finish this!’

 

 

 

JR slithers into the ring and grabs Viscera’s microphone:

 

‘Looky here, Cole! I’ve had enough! You think your better than me! Just because you won some little titles! Let me tell you something son! I was doing this while you were still in diapers! Whatever you do, you’ll never be as good on the stick as I am! Never! What do you have to say to that! Punk!’

 

Michael turns as if to walk away, disgusted. Just as a sick smile begins to appear on JR’s face Michael swiftly turns and gives JR the two fingers salute.

 

The crowd roars. JR takes a step back visibly shaken. Cole takes two steps forward. He drops the belts. Boot to JR. Stone Cole Stunner!

 

Viscera slaps Cole heartily on the back:

 

‘Huh! Huh! Huh! Weeell done biiiiiiiiiitch!’

 

Cole quickly turns he attention to Viscera. He raises his eyebrow...Stone Cole Stunner to Viscera!

 

After collectively flipping off his vanquished opponents once more, Michael Cole takes his belts, and leaves.

 

At the end of the walkway Michael Cole, Tag Team Champions of the World, flashes the crowd his perfect smile, bows, and exits. The show finishes

 

 

(Editors note: Here ends the story of how Michael Cole alone won the WWF tag team championship, for the first of many times. Cole went on to feud with Viscera over the rights to the World Title and the Commissionership, with fantastic results. After dropping the belts to Cole D.O.A were never seen again (That is until a returning Tugboat and Virgil were given the gimmick of babyfaces D.O.A 2002: Take Care of Yourself!); Vince, seeing the error of his ways, repackaged Angle and Jericho with a far less insulting gimmick: Men On A Mission 2001. Tony Carluchi went on to become 8 time hardcore champion, before the tragic Golden Gloves incident ended his career. The King went on to own a strip-bar with his brother (for storyline purposes) Saturn. JR, after his unscripted actions at Wrestlemania, was forced, until the end of his career, to commentate on un-televised dark matches featuring ‘local workers’ where he joined, an also recently demoted, Jonathon Coachman (who was demoted for the far more understandable reason of blowing obscene amounts of company money on strippers and cocaine) and became nothing more but the foil to Coachman’s biting, razor sharp, wit. Finally, Kevin Kelly, disaffected with his career and under the influence of countless varieties of drug, stormed the Know Your Role PPV and conducted the infamous shoot interview where he bared both his grievances and his naked body in front of a nation wide audience.)

 

 

 

THE END

[Guest BionicRedneck]

Yeah, and he's still shit at commentating.

[Guest Nevermortal]

Yup.

[Guest Just call me Dan]

Please stop all this Cole nonsense you use for attention, it sucks.

[Guest The Superstar]

Well if I recall, this is the only thread I have posted in the WWE folder about Cole, and it was simply meant as humor amidst all the "FUCK THE HOSSES!" and "Smackdown scores lowest rating ever!" and "FUCK HHH" threads that there are around here. I was in no way trying to get 'attention.'

[Guest Just call me Dan]

Seriously, just asking a question here, but what do you like about Cole? Why do you like him? The guy really puts nothing on the table. What talent does he possess that would make him worth your time besides the fact that you are just trying to stand out?

[Guest The Superstar]

He's different and doesn't orgasm over hosses. But if it makes you feel any better, I stopped all recognition of him and will never do so again so I won't have this 'stigma' on me.

[Guest Just call me Dan]

Hey, if it's how you feel, go for it. Don't just drop it because people give you crap. If you can honestly defend it, your opinion is respected by me.

 

Hey i mark for Austin, a guy who walked out of his company and hit his wife. You have Luger Marks, Lesnar marks, Hogan marks, you name em they're here.

 

I'm just questioning why you like a commentator so much. If you do, i'm not trying to pester you it just seemed to me like some of your cWo mates were just trying to grabe some fame on the board.

 

My opinion is no better than yours.

[Guest The Superstar]

I do sorta like the guy, but it's mostly in a joking way. I posted this 'article' because I thought it was funny.

[Guest Just call me Dan]

Sorry about the arguing.

 

 

We can co-exist.