Guest The Superstar Posted September 28, 2002 Report Posted September 28, 2002 It's a week late but it still kicks ass. OMFG! I am back with more Hot Newz!! and the big newz this week si that teh WWE has FINALY took my advice and had some Hot Lesbian Action! It wasnt between Trish and Stacey like me and the King wanted, but it's a start! And now we're one stepp closer to the X-RATED ADULTZ only WWE ppv, featuring real live nudity, that I've been dreaming about all my life!!!! Nicole Bass is sewing teh WWE because one time The Brooklyn Brawler said "Sweet Jesus she has a penis!" and she dropped her pants and said "No I don't!" and everyone laughed at her. Billy and Chucky are faces now because instead of acting likes gays they now make fun of gays and that's funny because gays are funny so we can cheer them! When Kanyon returns, he'll be accompineed to the ring by 2 sexy twins for no apparant reason. Brad Shaw was vigorously "ribbing" newcomer Christopher Newinnski when he injured his arm! There's a new annoucner on SMackdown becuze Tony Chimmel was FIRED! Chimmel was caught sniffing Lilian Garcia's chair when she stood up! What a pervert! DID YOU KNOW...that Booker T's favorite movie is Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion...that Andre the Giant used to wear puffy wigs to make himself look taller...that Torrie Wilson's breasts are bigger than Ivory's but not as big as Trish's...that Kane used to jump off chairs flapping his arms when he was a child, because he thought he could fly...that Chyna and Goldberg are feuding wiht Kronik over the Japanese tag team titels...that Matt Hardy once hid all of Lita's thongs as a joke but she didn't know it was him and reported it as theft to the police...that John Cena has over 10,000 pairs of trunks and they're all specially designed to show his hott ass...that Edge and Christian have a third brother named Jackson and he's a tax insepector? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Unforgiven is today (well, it was on the day I wrote this!) And it was hard to get the booking sheet this time, but usuing all my sources in teh WWE I managed to put it together!! And here it is!!! Molly Holly versus Trish Stratus Trish knocks Molly out with a STIFF KICK~! for the win! And then Harvard Chris carries a groggy Molly backstage and sez "Now it's time to unvirginalise your ass!" Eddie Geurraro versus Edge Edge wins with Eddy's own frog splash after that bumbling fool Chavo accidently gives Eddy a brainbuster! Chris Jericho versus Rick Flair Flair tries really hard not to suck but he still taps out to the Walls Of Jericho. Then afterwards he tries to announce his retirement, but he loses his voice just as he's about to! Then he trips and falls out the ring and lands on his ass! And his new gimmik is that he has comical bad luck! Kurt Angle versus Chris Benwah They each do like six rolling german suplexes, then six rolling northern lights suplexes, than six rolling bodyslams and all the fans fall asleep but thenn Rikishi runs in and gives Benwah adn Angle a DOUBEL stink face! And they both tap out becauze of the smell and the match is a draw. The Anti Un-Americans versus Booker T, Goldust, Bubba Ray and Kane The Americans win after Brad Shaw comes out and hits Regal with a STEEL American flag! Billy and Chuck versus Rosie and Jamhal Billy and Chuck are about to win when suddenly two lesbains run in and start making out! And they make out for ages until finally one of them says "This THREE MINUTE make out session is over!" and she rips her face off and she's Eric Bichsoff! And then Rosie and Jamhal give the other lesbian a super somoan drop thruogh the announce table (Billy and Chuck are paralysed with shock!) and then they pin Billy and Chuck and win! So then Stephanie has to have HLA and LINDA MCMAHON come out! and Linda and steph make out and JR's screaming "LESBIAN INCEST! MY GAWD, BABY JESUS MUST BE ROLLING OVER IN HIS GRAVE" and the King's masturwanking like crazy! But then Stephanie rips her face off and her fake boobs off and it's really VINCE dressed up as Stephanie!!!! And he gives Eric a stunner and he's like "Mess with me daughter, huh? I'll whoop your ass, PAL!" and the humilateon of Uncle Eric has begun! Tripel H versus Rob Van Dam Tripel H puts RVD out with the SLEEPER OF DOOM but instead of going for the win, he gets some barber shears and cutz off RVD's pony tail! And then he goes to stab RVD with the shears but RVD gives him a vandaminator kicking the shears right into Triple H's eyes (and he blades above his eyes to make it look real!). And RVD wins, but Triple H is back to full health on RAW the next night and appears in 97% of the show (the other 3% is RVD at the barbers getting a cool new hair do) to get his heat back. Brock Lesnar versus The Undertaker Undertaker hits a chockslam and has it won but Paul Heyman pulls the ref out and sits on him so no 3 count. And then Taker hits a Last Ride but there's still no ref. Then he hits a tombstone and there's still no ref! and then Matt Hary version 1.0 runs in and gives Taker a second rope leg drop but he kicks out! And then Lesnar does an F5 but the Taker still kicks out! then he does an F5 on a chair and a shooting star press but Taker kicks out and does the zombie sit-up! And Lesnars jaw drops in fear but then suddenly Sara is shown on teh titan tron and she's in labor! and Lesnar grabs Taker in a bear hug and Taker quickly taps out so he can go check on Sara and Lesnar wins clean! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SIGN IDEAS FOR RAW! This sign jobbed to Triple H! You can't see my other sign, because Tripel H is HOLDING IT DOWN! Triple H put me to sleep...but not with his sleeper hold, with his boring matches and interviews! Jeff Hardy has HLA with MEN! The King is stalking my uderage daughter! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SIGN IDEAS FOR SMACKDOWN! I want Torrie to give me a broncobuster...on my crotch! OJ shot Rikishi! Albert is Big Foot! Funaki speaks better English than Jamie Noble! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now for this weeks interview with X-Pac! X-Pac was fired by the WWE six weeks ago and hans't been seen since! Let's see what he has to say!!! Me: OMG it's X-Pac! X-Pac: Yo. You know man, maybe you should call me Syxx-Pac. Me: WTF? Why!? X-Pac: That's my name in NWA TNA, man. Me: Oh, I don't watch that shit, lol. X-Pac: Stop talking in acronyms! Me: I would if I knew what they are! So what do you think is your greatest moment in your career? X-Pac: Well, it wasn't a match, but one thing that stands out was when we did a parody of the Four Horsemen. Me: I don't remember that! X-Pac: Come on man, I was dressed as Ric Flair? "I'm standing here shouting and I have no idea why! Whooooo!" Me: Oh, you mean when you dressed up as Owen Hart! "Look how big my damn nose is! What the hell am I, a freaking aardvark? Whoooo!" X-Pac: No man, that was in DX! I was talking about when I was in WCW. Me: Oh, I never watched that shit either lol. X-Pac: And besides man, it was Jason Sensation who dressed as Owen, man. I was Mark Henry. Me: That's right! You showed those black guys! X-Pac: We sure did! But I'm not racist, man. Me: Oh, lol. X-Pac: STOP THE ACRONYMS! Me: ... X-Pac: Ask me about my greatest match, man. Me: What was your greatest match, dood? X-Pac: Glad you asked, man! It was against Sabu in the indies, back in 92. Me: Oh come on, let's talk about some stuff some people might have actually seen! Like all those great match you had with Kane! X-Pac: Yeah, I enjoyed that feud. I don't think he should have ever actually beaten me though! It would have been a much better storyline if I beat him every month then moved up to the main event, know what I mean, man? Me: Yeah, whatever, so what was Torrie like in the X-Sack? Pun intended! X-Pac: What pun? And I never actually slept with her. Me: No? X-Pac: No man, we were up all night! Me: ROTFLMAO! X-Pac: Hey man, I warned you about that... Me: What? Nevermind, how come you stopped being cool and started being an annoying little shit? X-Pac: I was never annoying, man, the fans booed me but they loved me really! They just chanted "X-Pac sucks" and "DIE X-PAC, DIE" and "THIS MATCH SUCKS!" to help me get over as a top heel, man! Me: Oh. You know, I was glad you refused to put over that cockinass queer Jeff Hardy! X-Pac: Hey man, nothing personal against Jeff, he's a good kid, man... Me: So is Billy Kidman! X-Pac: What? Me: A good kid, man! X-Pac: Huh? Me: Please continue! X-Pac: Yeah, as I was saying, he's a good kid, but at that point I was like the number 2 heel in the company man, behind only Tripel H man, so I couldn't be jobbing to any fruity kid like Jeff Hardy who's only been in the WWF for five years, man, that would be career suicide! Me: Speaking of Triple H, is it true that you used your friendship with him and his relationship with Stephanie to avoid doing jobs? X-Pac: No! That's a bunch of bull, man! Okay, so one time I was supposed to lose cleanly to Booker T, and I mentioned to Hunter that I didn't want to do that, and he went to see Stephanie then I heard her moaning in pleasure, then the match was changed so that I beat Booker clean in thirty seconds. But that was just a coincidence, man! Me: Okay! So what does "your ass is grass and I'm gonna smoke it!" mean? X-Pac: To tell you the truth man, I don't even know! It was just something that came to me when I was smoking...well, better not say that...let's just say I was hitting a phattie if you know what I mean, man. Me: You were beating up a fat guy? Cool! I hate those fat bastards! Give one an X-Factor for me! X-Pac: ... Me: I liked it when you said shizz-nit, that was cool. X-Pac: Everything I did was cool, man! Me: So why did X-Factor suck so much? X-Pac: They never gave us enough mic time, man. Me: Are you saying X-Factor would have been a success if they'd let Justin Incredible and Albert talk more? X-Pac: No, those two suck on the mic, I mean if they let ME talk more, man! Me: Ah. And your gay entrance music didn't help either. X-Pac: Hey, I loved that song! I got everything I ever wanted, and I'm never gonna give it back...I used to sing it in the showers backstage all the time, man. Me: LOL, you must have looked like a total homogay! X-Pac: Don't call me that! Me: What, a big queer homogaysexual? X-Pac: Yeah! I've got no problems with gay people man, but if anyway calls me one, I give them three kicks and a broncobuster...and don't say the broncobuster's gay! Me: But it is! X-Pac: IT IS NOT! Anyway, I've got to go bail Scott out of jail man, so... Me: Are you gonna give him a naked broncobuster? X-Pac: That's it! This interviews over, never call me again! Me: What did I do!? Did I use an acorn-mine again? (Phonecalls ends.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I promised not to call him a homogay in this artical...but I bet he's at least a bicuriousexual if you know what I mizzean! Bizzack Sizzoon with more HOTT NEWZZZZZCRZ!!!! JEFF HARDY TO CHANGE TO AN "EVIL CLOWN" GIMMICK? MAVEN TO GROW AN AFRO? THE ROCK TO STAR AS AN AFRICAN AMERICAN HOMOSEXUAL LIVING WITH A NAZI SKINHEAD IN A REMAKE OF THE ODD COUPLE? PLUS THOUSANDS OF HOT PICTURES OF TRISH WITH VISIBLE NIPPLE SLIP AND VISIBLE PUBES SLIP AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!
Guest Kahran Ramsus Posted September 28, 2002 Report Posted September 28, 2002 I don't know what the hell this is, but post it again in here, and you'll be banned.
Guest Anglesault Posted September 28, 2002 Report Posted September 28, 2002 Oh, come on Kahran, it couldn't be more obvious what it is. It's....Hey, look over there! ::AS runs away::
Guest The Superstar Posted September 28, 2002 Report Posted September 28, 2002 um, it's called a parody?
Guest The Superstar Posted September 28, 2002 Report Posted September 28, 2002 and btw, this appears on slashwrestling.com and the Hot Newz Archive. I didn't mention this, but i DON'T write this (i'm not that creative)
Guest papacita Posted September 28, 2002 Report Posted September 28, 2002 that Chyna and Goldberg are feuding wiht Kronik over the Japanese tag team titels For the love of God, TELL ME that's not true.
Guest Angle-plex Posted September 28, 2002 Report Posted September 28, 2002 Triple H put me to sleep...but not with his sleeper hold, with his boring matches and interviews! That probably wouldn't fit on a sign, but I'd laugh if someone put it on one.
Guest Kahran Ramsus Posted September 28, 2002 Report Posted September 28, 2002 Maybe, I'm just too tired. Ignore the warning.
Guest SuperTonyJaymz Posted September 28, 2002 Report Posted September 28, 2002 eh...the person who wrote it should use some spell check
Guest Smell the ratings!!! Posted September 28, 2002 Report Posted September 28, 2002 dear god what is wrong with you people? That was the best thing ever! Steel american flag? Baby Jesus? A person could not possibly write a better article. PS- i liked that little link thing on the bottom. I can't remember the last time I read a wrestling news article that didn't say "Lita shower picks, ClIcK hErE!!!!111" at the bottom.
Guest The Superstar Posted September 28, 2002 Report Posted September 28, 2002 eh...the person who wrote it should use some spell check BAH GAWD! That's what makes it so funny!
Guest The Superstar Posted September 28, 2002 Report Posted September 28, 2002 Here's some more goodness, from a December NEWZ~! He wanted to get the inside scoop of Bradshaw's hazing of Billy Silverman~~! Now I decided to call the leggy Stacy Keibler who has also reportedly been bullyed! Me: OMG, I'm on the phone to Stacy Keibler! Stacy: Hi. Me: did Brad Shaw pick on u? Stacy: It was just ribbing. Me: What did he do? Stacy: Well, he did something to my boots... Me: OMG, he took a shit in your boots!? Stacy: No, he hid them. Me: Oh. How long are ur legz? Stacy: sixty inches! Me: YOU MAKE ME MASTURWANK! Stacy: Yuk! (phonecall ends.) Now I decided to get it straight from the HOSSES mouth (lol) and phoned Brad Shaw! Me: He Brad Shaw! Brad Shaw: Hello. Me: Did Billy Silverman deserve everything he gets? Brad Shaw: Hell yeah! That bastards got some nerve, upgrading to first class! Me: What's wrong with upgrading anyway? Brad Shaw: It's just morally wrong! Me: So are you a big bully? Brad Shaw: Well, you have to keep the new wrestlers in check, you know? Me: So you're just keeping new comers in line? Brad Shaw: Exactly! Me: And referees? Brad Shaw: Um, yeah. Me: And women? Brad Shaw: Um...we can't have them mouthing off! Me: Yeah! My girlfriend mouthed off, so I threated to rock bottom her! Brad Shaw: Man, you can't treat a lady like that! Me: But how is that different form how you treated Stacy Keibler? Brad Shaw: Uh...it just is! Now shut up before I clothesline you! Me: YOU BIG BULLY! (phonecall ends) Now I decided to call up the man himself...Billy Kidman! Me: Hey Billy how come you upgrading to first class? Kidman: Uh, I think you want Billy Silverman. Me: Oopz! (phonecall ends.) Me: Hey Billy SILVERMAN. Billy: Hello. Me: Why did you upgrade to first class? Billy: I didn't know I was doing anything wrong! Me: You ignorant bastard! Who are the main bullies in the WWF? Billy: Hmm, Brad Shaw for sure and Earl Hebner. Me: You let that old man Hebner bully you? LMAO! Billy: Hey, shut up! Me: Is it true that Brad Shaw touches wrestlers in the shower? Billy: Yeah, it's true. It's all true! Me: Did he ever touch you, Billy? Billy: He...he... Me: He wanted to have gaynal sex with you!? Billy: (cries) Me: OMG! (phonecall ends.) and the first one to ever make me Laugh out loud for a good 10 minutes: The rumour is that this week on Raw Jericho will read out a list of 100 hundred reasonz why he is better than Rock! And he'll keep reading and reading then good old JR will get in the ring! And JR will say "JESUS H CHRIST CHRIS, GIVE IT A FUCKING REST" then Jericho puts him in the walls of Jericho! and JR screams "LET ME GO YOU SON OF A BASTARD, IN 25 YEARS NOBODYS EVER PUT A HAND ON ME, I'LL SEND BRAD SHAW AFTER YOU". And Jericho quickly lets go and runs away!!! and finally... Tripel H is still recovering from his leg breaking and he has been shagging stephanie in his time off the lucky basturd lol and he'll be back at royal rumbel cause there will be a mystery enterant and that mystery man is TEH GAME! And he is number 30 and he wins when he throws out Albert then JR sez "MY GAWD IN HEAVEN AND SWEET BABY JESUS TOO, KING, I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE MY FUCKING EYES!"!
Guest Mattdotcom Posted September 28, 2002 Report Posted September 28, 2002 I love these things. They're quite thought-provoking. Like, how could Chavo accidently give anyone a brainbuster? lol!1
Guest The Superstar Posted September 28, 2002 Report Posted September 28, 2002 Because he's a bumbling fool, that's why! I'll try to change my sig every couple of days with a new hot newz quote
Guest Masked Heel Posted September 28, 2002 Report Posted September 28, 2002 Pretty funny stuff there keep up the good work
Guest evenflowDDT Posted September 28, 2002 Report Posted September 28, 2002 Where did you find this stuff dude? What is HOT NEWZ anyway? Obviously its a parody, but who does it?
Guest Spaceman Spiff Posted September 28, 2002 Report Posted September 28, 2002 I *totally* forgot about "masturwank". That word rules. I also found this unbelievably funny: Now I decided to call up the man himself...Billy Kidman! Me: Hey Billy how come you upgrading to first class? Kidman: Uh, I think you want Billy Silverman. Me: Oopz! (phonecall ends.)
Guest The Superstar Posted September 28, 2002 Report Posted September 28, 2002 evenflow, try slashwrestling.com, but the better site is geocities.com/vassie316, or the HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE. I'm pretty sure it's written by CRZ, but that hasn't been proven
Guest Spaceman Spiff Posted September 28, 2002 Report Posted September 28, 2002 Nah, I don't think it's CRZ. If it was him, the columns would have been posted on his site from the beginning.
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