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SJL WRATHAPALOOZA

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Guest Thoth

AHOHOIHOIHOIH IT'S TIME FOR WRATHAPALOOZA AND PUNCH AND PIE

SO COME ALONG AND SHARE THIS TIME THIS TWINKLE IN YOUR EYE

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Guest Thoth

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM! BOOM!

 

Axis: LADIES AND GEN-

 

BOOM! BOOM!

 

Axis: LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, WELCOME TO WRATHAPALOOZA~! We’re here live from the sold out Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome in Minneapolis, and just look at these fanatical SJL fans!

 

The camera pans wildly through the cheering, roaring stadium; fans waving signs and foam fingers.

 

King: And they’re all here to see ME, the Suicide King!

Axis: This promises is to be one of the wildest nights in SJL history! Title matches, grudge matches and outright CRAZY matches! Let’s get to straight to it, and go over to the man who makes the introductions, but who doesn’t NEED any introduction-

King: Then what the hell are you doing?

Axis: -the one, the only, FUNYON!

 

The announcer steps into the ring to a big pop from the rapid crowd! Funyon allows himself a small smile before raising the microphone to his lips…

 

SJL Television Title

Ladder Match

English Dragon vs. Todd Royal

 

FUNYON: The following contest is a LADDER MATCH, for the SJL TELEVISION TITLE~! In order to gain victory, a competitor must scale a ladder and retrieve the title belt!

 

The camera pans up and focuses on a shot of said belt, turning slowly in the air as it hangs on a cable, catching the light and flashes from photographers on its shiny polished surface.

 

FUNYON: And that is the only rule- therefore there are NO disqualifications~!

 

POP from the pumped up crowd!

 

Funyon drops the mic from his mouth as first the sounds of a choir, humming “Ahhhhhhhh”, then Motley Crue’s “Livewire” starts to pump out, blue and white strobes flashing through the air. Out from the entrance comes Todd Royal, closely followed by Megan Skye.

 

FUNYON: Introducing first the challenger, accompanied by Megan Skye…. from San Diego, California, weighing 220lbs….Tooooooooooooodd Royyyyyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaallllll!

 

With Megan at his shoulder, Todd strides confidently to the ring. Clad in black tights with silver trimmed blue flames along the legs and a sparkling silver top, Royal also sports sunglasses and black jacket. On the back of the jacket is inscribed “Pray to Todd”, which Megan points to, smiling even in the face of a barrage of jeers from the crowd.

 

Axis: Todd Royal is, to say the least, confident.

King: With good reason, Axis! He’s 3-0 in the SJL, and I don’t think he can be stopped! Bow down to Todd, Axis! Bow down!

 

As Todd slides into the ring and Megan takes a place at ringside, Motley Crue cuts out, being replaced with the somewhat different strains of “Land of Hope and Glory”. The crowd switches the focus of their hostility from Royal to the man walking out down the aisle.

 

FUNYON: Annnnnnnnnnd his opponent…he is the reigning and defending SJL Television Champion….from London, England, weighing 223lbs….the Engliiiiiiiiiiiiiiish Draaaaaaaaaaaaaaagooooooon!

 

Tonight Dragon has eschewed his usual red and white attire and wears a mask of sparkling gold and matching tights. Without his title, he walks down to the ring, not interacting with the booing fans in the least.

 

Axis: Dragon looks focused.

King: As does Todd.

Axis: Who do you pick to take this one, King?

King: Well, it’s a ladder match, so anything could happen!

Axis: You mean you don’t know?

King: These men are of a similar size and strength, and both men will want it equally!

Axis: So for once you don’t know?

King: Look, we’re about to get underway!

 

In the ring, our referee Ced Ordonez has the two men facing each other and stands between them, explaining the rules. Dragon looks up at the belt hanging above, while Todd just stares ahead at Dragon. Ced finished his talk, looking a little doubtful as to whether either man paid any attention, and slides out of the ring.

 

Axis: Ced getting out of the way, as well he might. His only function in this match is to call for the bell to end it. Let me remind everyone there are NO disqualifications.

King: We all knew that! Don’t patronise me, Axis!

 

Dragon’s eyes drop from the title and lock with Royal. The crowd, despite clearly having love for neither challenger nor champion, buzzes in anticipation. This is, after all, a ladder match.

 

The camera pans around, showing a large stack of ladders on one side of the ring, and then the belt once more.

 

Axis: That’s what it’s all about!

 

DING DING DING

 

Both men immediately leap forwards; arms outstretched, and grab each other around the shoulders and back of the neck, going into a collar and elbow tie up. The lock up lasts only seconds however before Dragon gets his right arm free and places it under the left arm of Todd, pushing and turning Todd around away from him, breaking the lock up.

 

The TV champion wraps his arms around Royal’s stomach from behind, squeezing on a waistlock. Todd grabs Dragon’s hands, trying to force him to break, as Dragon bends over forwards, exerting pressure. Royal swiftly counters however, turning far enough to his left to hook his left arm under Dragon’s own left and pulls around. Todd breaks the waistlock and with his other hand takes the top of Dragon’s arm, so he has a side arm bar applied.

 

Todd swings the arm all the way around, grabbing a wristlock with both hands, so Dragon is doubled up. EngDrag rolls forwards onto his back and then executes a quick kip up that throws Todd’s hand off his arm. Dragon spins around and attacks low, grabbing the left leg of Royal at the knee and flipping him onto his back. Dragon goes down too, turning around and with his back to Todd gets his elbow into the joint of the knee, bending it back sharply.

 

Axis: It’s all mat wrestling in the early stages, and not a ladder to be seen!

King: They’re over there, Axis.

Axis: You know what I mean!

King: Well, it’s not surprising. Both these men have wrestled in Japan, and Todd has even competed in Dragon’s own homeland, so if you had any wrestling knowledge at all, you’d expect them to test each other out like this.

 

On the mat, Todd grimaces as Dragon pulls on the leg, but reaches forward and grabs him by the mask. Royal pulls Dragon’s head back into a chinlock, and as Dragon tries to escape it, Todd switches his grip to Dragon’s left arm. The Englishman loses his control of Todd’s left leg, and Royal takes advantage by hooking his right leg across the face of Dragon and pulling him backwards. Todd wraps both legs around Dragon’s arm and pulls back hard on it with both arms, sitting up as he does so and applying the arm bar!

 

The crowd, a little unsure whether they should approve of this opening, actually claps a little.

 

Axis: The fans may not like these men but they appreciate their mat skills.

King: As they should. There’ll be plenty of falling of ladders to amuse the idiots later! In fact, this match shouldn’t even involve ladders! These men have the ability to go an hour like this!

 

With his free arm, Dragon is able to push Todd’s legs over to one side and spin up to one knee. Royal lies on his back, still gripping Dragon’s arm, but after only a few seconds sits up and clambers to his feet, all the while clutching the arm tightly. With both men standing, Todd tries to wrench the arm around again, but Dragon rolls forward again, this time coming up to his feet. EngDrag drives his right elbow back into the jaw of Todd. Staggered, Royal loses his grip on his opponent.

 

Dragon takes advantage, turning around and leaping into the air, extending his legs out in front and snapping them forwards. Dragon’s boots connect squarely with the jaw of Todd, knocking him down hard to the mat, but Royal, after shaking his head to clear it, starts to get back up again. Dragon meets him before he can rise fully however, and grabs his left arm, using it to whip Royal away towards the ropes on the other side of the ring. Royal comes back fast, and leaps frogs over Dragon as the Englishman ducks down.

 

Royal continues on to the ropes and bounces back once more. As Dragon moves to clutch him, Royal takes a hold of Dragon’s head, and, still moving forwards, drags Dragon round and brings his knee up, smashing it into Dragon’s forehead! The Englishman goes down hard!

 

Axis: These two exchanging blows, each looking for that opening to inflict some serious damage and keep the opponent down long enough to get a ladder!

King: Well, duh. How much do you get paid for these platitudes?

 

As Axis ignores the Suicide King, Todd Royal grabs Dragon around the neck and brings him to his feet. With Dragon standing, Todd keeps a hold of the neck and turns away from Dragon, trying to get in position for a neckbreaker, but Dragon kicks backwards with his left leg, smashing it into the groin of Todd!

 

Axis: For the love of God!

King: You mean Todd?

Axis: I most certainly do not! We’re barely five minutes into this match and already we’ve started with the cheating!

King: It’s not cheating in this match. Everything goes, at any time.

 

Royal drops to his knees. Dragon nods in approval, and grabs him around the neck into a headlock. The Englishman pulls Royal to his feet and grabs him by the top of the trunks. Dragon hoists him up for what looks like a suplex attempt, but Dragon moves forward into the corner and drops Royal down onto the top turnbuckle! Todd’s mouth drops open in pain and shock again as his damaged “Royals” come in contact with the turnbuckle.

 

King: What a wrestler! Dragon has picked a body part and is sticking to it!

Axis: (laughing) I sincerely hope not!

King: No, but look at the pain Todd’s feeling!

 

Dragon climbs up after Todd, standing on the second rope, re-applying the headlock and throwing Royal’s arm over his shoulder. Dragon grabs the trunks once more as he steps onto the top rope. Todd, still stunned, is dragged up after him, and the champion is able to pull Royal up and back, looping Todd high into the air before both men crash down to the mat with the superplex!

 

Todd lies on his back as Dragon crawls away, slowly getting to his feet. He takes a look at the still prone Royal, and turns to look at the pile of ladders at ringside. The crowd sees where he’s looking and cheer in anticipation.

 

Axis: The SJL fans normally have no time for these two men, but tonight I get the feeling they’re going to cheer them on with every move!

King: Because they want them to kill themselves for their entertainment! They’re sick!

 

Dragon slides out of the ring and grabs a ladder. He turns and slides it into the ring under the bottom rope. Dragon stops for a moment, putting his hands on his knees and getting his breath back…and doesn’t see Todd Royal climbing to his feet! Todd unsteadily walks to the ropes, but finding he has his balance, runs the last distance, bouncing off and propelling him quickly towards Dragon’s side of the ring.

 

Todd slides forward, his legs extended, and the soles of his boots slam into the ladder, knocking it back and straight into the chest of Dragon as he turns back to the ring! The ladder stops on the apron but Dragon is flung down onto his back, and Todd quickly gets up, gesturing for Dragon to do the same.

 

Axis: Why doesn’t Todd get on out after Dragon?

King: The Todd has a plan, Axis! Watch and learn!

 

Indeed, as Dragon gets himself vertical, Todd grabs the top rope with both hands, pulling back and then using it to spring himself forwards over the rope! Royal comes flying down on top of EngDrag, and as he does so extends his arm around Dragon’s neck and head so the Englishman’s face is slammed down on to the floor!

 

Axis: A flying bulldog from Todd!

King: I told you! Man, I should do this show on my own!

 

Todd, having landed almost on top of Dragon, rolls back to his feet. He grabs the ladder from the apron and drops it down next to Dragon. The challenger takes Dragon by his mask and pulls him up. With the ladder lying directly behind Dragon and pointing lengthways away from him, Todd puts his arm around the Englishman’s shoulders and hooks his right leg behind Dragon’s left. To the approval of the crowd, Todd falls backwards, dragging Dragon down with him with the Russian leg sweep!

 

But whilst Todd roles to one side and falls on to the ringside matting, Dragon’s back CRACKS on to the ladder! The crowd has an intake of breath and Todd is up like a jack in a box, grinning all over his face. Megan comes around from the other side of the ring to pat Todd on the back and jeer Dragon, who lies on the ladder, holding his back.

 

King: Damn!

Axis: Dragon’s back must be nearly broken! You could hear the impact of his spine on the metal all over the arena!

 

Todd turns to the stack of ladders behind him and grabs another. Instead of taking it into the ring though, he just drops it on Dragon!

 

Axis: Dragon’s sandwiched between two ladders!

King: Good thinking from Todd! That’ll keep Dragon down for what could be a few crucial seconds longer!

 

Dragon’s arms poke helplessly out around the top ladder as Todd helps himself to the third ladder to come into play and slides it into the ring, following swiftly and starting to set it up directly under the spinning TV title belt.

 

King: This could be over in record time thanks to the Todd’s ingenuity!

Axis: Wait, Dragon’s stirring!

 

The Englishman is indeed moving, and pushes the top ladder off him and away to one side. Megan takes a step towards Dragon but steps back again swiftly as EngDrag shakily climbs up. In the ring Todd has the ladder set up perfectly in position, and starts to climb!

 

King: This could be it!

Axis: The first attempt at claiming the belt! Can Dragon get there quick enough?

 

Axis’ question has barely been spoken before Dragon solves it by shooting into the ring. Todd has climbed only two steps before Dragon flings a forearm hard into the small of his back, a blow that stops Royal’s ascent dead. The champion grabs Todd around the waist with one arm and puts his other under Todd’s left leg.

 

EngDrag pulls his opponent of the ladder in the belly to back suplex position, but instead of dropping Todd down, the Englishman staggers backwards to the side of the ring he had entered. Dragon leans backwards and simply drops Todd out over the top rope towards the floor…but Royal lands directly on one of the ladders he had used to trap Dragon, with spine shattering impact!

 

Axis: Mah gawd! What a fall!

King: It’s Todd’s turn to feel the steel!

 

Todd rolls off the ladder, and lies on his front, breathing heavily, gasping as he holds his back.

 

Axis: That knocked all the air out of Royal! He’s not moving, and Dragon has a ladder set up perfectly in front of him!

 

EngDrag, having dropped Royal out, leans back on the ropes, catching his breath, but quickly raises his head and takes in the upright ladder. He takes a step forward, but suddenly Megan Skye dashes into the ring and simply pushes the ladder over before Dragon can reach it! As the ladder falls to the mat with a BANG, Megan turns to Dragon and launches a volley of abuse at him. Dragon clearly concludes this isn’t suitable conduct for a lady, and walks straight towards her! Megan decides the rest of her comments can wait, and slides out under the bottom rope to the floor…only to see EngDrag following close behind! Megan sprints around to the side of the ring where her man lies, and Dragon follows, but as he turns the corner of the ring-

 

WHAM!

 

Royal, seemingly coming from nowhere, dives into the midriff of Dragon, smashing his shoulder against Dragon’s body with a SPEAR~!

 

Dragon’s head bounces off the floor with the impact, and Todd lies half on top of him, the effort having taken a lot out of him!

 

King: What a display of chivalry! Todd summoned all his energies to protect Megan from Dragon!

Axis: Well he certainly stopped the Englishman in his tracks, but he absorbed quite an impact himself!

 

Megan strokes Todd’s face, encouraging him to get back up, while Dragon holds his stomach and kicks his legs feebly. Megan gets Royal up and points him in the direction of the ring, where that ladder still lies. Todd slides into the ring and stands, walking slowly over to the ladder. Dragon grabs a hold on the ring apron and uses it to pull himself up, and he too slides back into the ring. Todd has a hold of the ladder, and holds it with both hands. As Dragon staggers over to him, Royal is able to swing the ladder round and just CLONK Dragon in the head with one end of it!

 

Axis: Unsophisticated, but it will work!

King: If Todd needs to knock the brain clean out of Dragon’s head, that’s what he’ll do, because he’s Todd! He can do that!

 

Dragon staggers, but doesn’t go down. Royal simply swings the ladder round again and CRACKS Dragon across the head with the other end this time! The champion falls back onto the mat, but Royal isn’t finished, and leans the ladder in the nearest corner. Royal picks the groggy Dragon up once more, and, taking him by the left arm, whips him hard towards the ladder, and Dragon SLAMS into it at speed! Todd takes a couple of steps back, and runs forward, leaping into the air and looking to drive his body of EngDrag’s and splash him into the ladder…but the champion somehow moves aside at the last second and all Todd gets is a faceful of metal rungs! Royal lies on the ladder, stunned, as Dragon, holding the top rope for support, considers his next move.

 

It isn’t long coming, as Dragon stands behind Todd and, pulling him slightly off the ladder, threads his arms under Todd’s and hooks his hands together, applying a full nelson!

 

Axis: This could be a Dragon Suplex attempt!

King: That’s Todd’s move! The Todd Damn!

 

Royal, finding himself in Dragon’s clutches, suddenly comes alive, surprising Dragon by dropping down to his back and breaking the nelson. Dragon reaches forward for Todd again, but the challenger snaps his leg back and kicks Dragon square in the face! The Englishman falls back and Todd KIPS UP to appreciation from the crowd!

 

Axis: Todd still has something in the tank!

King: Of course! He’s a Todd!

 

Dragon moves back towards his opponent, but Todd ducks his punch and nails him with a hard CHOP to the pectorals! Dragon winces and holds his chest, but Todd has no mercy, and CHOPS again, drawing “Wooooooo!”s from the fans. With Dragon rocked, Todd pauses, seemingly getting an idea….it's not a particularly complex concept, but Dragon seems to feel its point as Todd’s boot connects with his groin to the amusement of the whole stadium!

 

Axis: Well, Royal executes his revenge!

King: A vengeful Todd is a terrible thing!

 

Dragon is, understandably, writhing in pain on the mat. Royal notes the ladder still in the corner, and moves over to it, but doesn’t move it to the centre of the ring, instead simply snapping the legs open and setting it up. With Dragon still down, Todd slowly climbs to the top of the ladder…

 

Axis: Mah Gawd….what does he have planned?

King: You mean “Mah Tawd”, Axis.

 

Todd doesn’t turn at the top, so he has his back to Dragon…and as flashbulbs start to flicker in the crowd, Royal leaps backwards, getting huge elevation and slowly turning in the air with a moonsault! Royal’s body plummets down and just SMASHES into the prone Dragon!

 

HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!

 

King: TODD-SAULT OFF THE LADDER!

Axis: BAH GAWD! Todd BOUNCED off Dragon!

 

Todd lies next to Dragon, his eyes glassy and his chest pumping up and down. Dragon isn’t moving except for a few tiny convulsions.

 

Axis: That’s just sick!

King: That’s how much Todd wants the Television Championship!

 

Megan shouts for Todd to get up, as referee Ced Ordonez gets back into the ring for the first time in the match to check on the competitors, but as he does so Todd SITS UP and pushes him away. Ced retreats back to ringside, and Todd shakily steps up to his feet. The crowd applauds as he does so, and Todd looks a little astonished. Nevertheless, he moves over back to the ladder, and, holding it carefully drags it slowly over, around Dragon and underneath the title.

 

The crowd heats up as they sense a possible title change, and Todd takes a STEP on to the bottom rung of the ladder. Another. Another. But Todd is exhausted and the steps are slow and heavy….and the English Dragon is moving!

 

Axis: Todd may want to win the TV title badly, but I think Dragon wants to keep it just as badly!

 

Dragon crawls over and starts to climb. Royal turns his head, sees Dragon, and tries to kick at him, but EngDrag catches his boot! Dragon follows by slamming a forearm once more into the back of Todd and moving up next to him. Dragon reaches up and grabs Todd by the hair on the back of his head, bending his neck back…and then reaches up and wraps his right arm around Todd’s throat, bending his head back with…

 

Axis: A DRAGON SLEEPER! English Dragon has a Dragon Sleeper locked in half way up a goddamn ladder!

 

Todd holds on to the ladder with both hands, Dragon with one, but both men are critically unbalanced, and suddenly Dragon falls backwards, pulling Todd with him…but they DON’TFALL! Dragon has his legs hooked around the ladder and Todd’s boots are caught under a rung! Dragon pulls back on the sleeper, and Todd waves his arm wildly!

 

Axis: Mah gawd! What a move!

King: This is crazy, Axis!

 

Todd, realising the only way out is down, starts to free his feet, slipping first one free, then the other, and both men CRASH down to the mat in a heap! The ladder is tipped over by the motion and falls down, narrowly missing both men’s heads!

 

The crowd roar in approval!

 

Axis: It may be for one night only, but these two men are getting the respect they deserve for putting it all on the line like this!

 

From the tangle of bodies and limbs, the English Dragon extracts himself, and moves over, picking up the ladder and righting it once more.

 

King: That ladder has been down almost as often as your wife at the SJL office party, Axis!

Axis: ….

 

Dragon takes a firm grip on both sides of the ladder, and steps on to the bottom rung.

 

STEP!

 

STEP!

 

King: It can’t be!

Axis: It is! Todd is up!

 

The challenger, with whatever he has left, has his foot on the bottom rung of the ladder.

 

STEP!

 

STEP!

 

Royal is behind Dragon and reaches up, pushing forward with his right arm and slamming Dragon’s face onto the ladder! Todd moves his arms down and grabs Dragon around the waist. The challenger tries to pull EngDrag off the ladder, but Dragon holds on and the ladder shakes a little. Todd climbs a little higher on the ladder and breaks the waistlock, linking his arms around Dragon’s neck with a full nelson! Todd pushes forward with the hold so Dragon’s head is bounced off the ladder once again, and then…

 

Axis: Oh no…he wouldn’t?

King: TODD DAMN! TODD DAMN!

 

…Todd pulls back, dragging Dragon off the ladder with his “Todd Damn” Dragon Suplex! The two men fall to the mat, bodies bent in half, and Dragon’s head and neck just DETONATING with the mat! Todd bounces away from Dragon, and the Englishman lies completely prone, flat on his back.

 

The crowd roars in approval as Todd crawls across the mat, struggling to rise.

 

Axis: This is OVER! Dragon just took that suplex from 10 feet in the air!

King: His career could be over!

 

Todd climbs up as Megan cheers him on, slipping back down to one knee but forcing himself upright and taking stock of the situation. The ladder, although still wobbling slightly, is still standing. Todd stands over Dragon and points to the title, nodding his head.

 

Axis: All Todd has to do is stroll up and get the belt. There’s no way Dragon is getting up from that Todd Damn.

 

Todd starts to climb the ladder slowly…

 

STEP!

 

STEP!

 

STEP!

 

King; Keep going, Todd!

 

Todd continues, reaching the top of the ladder, turning around and standing aloft and raising his arms in triumph. He looks at the belt, just a reach away, but doesn’t take it. Instead, he looks down at Dragon.

 

Axis: Why doesn’t he take it?

King: It looks like he’s not finished with Dragon!

Axis: That’s madness!

King: Todd doesn’t just want to win, he wants to show the world he is superior!

Axis: But what is he going to do?

King: Todd doesn’t just do Todd-saults, Axis!

 

The crowd heat turns up another notch as Todd nods his head and points at Dragon. Suddenly, he leaps forward.

 

Todd propels his legs out in front of him and flips backwards, turning 180 degrees in the air as the falls with a SHOOTING STAR PRESS!!! Todd plummets towards Dragon’s exposed body….but Dragon ROLLS ASIDE!!

 

Todd’s body SMASHES into the mat, and bounces up again, before falling on his face.

 

HOLY SHIT!

 

HOLY SHIT!

 

HOLY SHIT!

 

Axis: TODD IS INSANE! His massive got the better of him!

King: If I was a normal man, I’d be speechless! The impact from that missed SSP shook the whole stadium!

 

Dragon rolls over again and somehow starts to get up! He moves over to the ladder and looks at Todd, who is actually stirring on the mat!

 

Axis: The fight in these men is remarkable!

 

Dragon grabs Todd by the head and pulls him up, holding him by the ears with both hands. Dragon moves backwards and steps back on to the bottom step. Dragon steps up again and Todd, clearly out of it, steps with him!

 

Axis: Mah gawd, haven’t we had enough!

King: No!

 

Half way up the ladder, Dragon reaches down and grabs Todd around the waist with both arms. Slowly, with the ladder shaking, EngDrag pulls Todd up vertically, and, somehow maintaining his balance, hooks first Royal’s right, then left, arms back with his boots!

 

Dragon just drops forwards off the ladder!

 

Axis: DRAGON DRIVER OFF THE LADDER!

King: These men are crazy, Axis!

 

Todd’s face is CRUSHED into the mat and with Dragon’s weight on top of him his eyes are vacant and glassy.

 

HOLY SHIT!

 

HOLY SHIT!

 

Axis: It’ll be a miracle if these men are the same after this brutal match!

 

Dragon rolls off Todd and lies on his back, chest heaving…and sits up! With Todd still prone, Dragon crawls over to the ladder and slowly climbs up it on all fours.

 

CRAWL!

 

CRAWL!

 

STEP!

 

STEP!

 

STEP!

 

STEP!

 

Dragon reaches the top of the ladder, and he now stands aloft, looking down at the body of Todd…but suddenly Megan is in the ring, and pushing at the ladder! Megan shoves it hard, and the ladder topples…but Dragon reaches forward and grabs a hold of the belt by the strap! Megan pushes hard, a final effort, and the ladder FALLS with Dragon on it….but his grip on the belt pulls it down with him, and Dragon jumps off the ladder, slamming onto the mat but with the title belt clutched firmly in his right hand!

 

DING DING DING

 

Axis: BAH GAWD, its over!

 

“Land of Hope and Glory” strikes up. Dragon lies flat on his back next to Todd, as Megan Skye stomps her feet in anger. The crowd rise to applaud both men’s efforts.

 

King: Dragon retains the Television Title, but what a challenge from Todd Royal! I can’t wait to see these two match up again!

Axis: Todd had the title won, but his God-complex cost him the match! But what a match! What a start to WRATHAPALOOZA~! We’ll be back, stay tuned!

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Guest Thoth

"God damn!" Axis shouts over the fired up crowd, "Now THAT is how to start a Pay Per View, eh King?"

 

"Yea, get the good stuff over with so I can beat the traffic."

 

"I think not! Tonight's card is actually so packed that opening the show with a ladder match is NOT as counterproductive as Raw might make it appear!"

 

"Dude!"

 

"Oops. Uh, in any event, we're just getting warmed up-"

 

YEA!

 

KA-BOOOOOOM!

 

"And here comes your favorite person, King!"

 

"Oh golly gee whillikers, this is just peachy keen."

 

The fans stand and cheer as "Electra Made Me Blind" pours out throughout the arena, and through the smokescreen steps...

 

"... the new Smarks Junior League Commissioner... please welcome Chris Rayyyyynooorrr!!"

 

Actually wearing a suit, and looking horribly out of place in doing so, Chris Raynor swipes his way through the smoke and emerges at the top of the stage just as Everclear's anthem draws to a climax. He wastes little time in starting down the ramp, first drifting to the left, then to the right to slap the hands of appreciative fans. Hopping up onto the apron, he sits on the middle rope and allows Funyon to exit before taking center-stage by himself.

 

"Countdown to cheap pop," King says into his cupped hands. "T-minus four, three, two, one-"

 

"What's up, Minneapolis!"

 

RAAAAAAAAAAGH!

 

"Like clockwork," King snorts.

 

"I don't wanna hold up the show," Raynor continues, "but I had to come out and clear up a few issues. First and foremost, I'd like to apologize for the lack of public appearances on my part since last I saw you-"

 

"NO NEED TO APOLOGIZ-"

 

"Shut up, King!"

 

"I've been pretty busy with a few things... putting together the Wrathapalooza card, which I sincerely hope is to your liking?"

 

Another prolonged cheer.

 

"And also, I've been dealing with a few... situations... firstly, that of... Scott Solomon. Solomon felt the need, after my debut, to come out to the ring and say that the SJL will DIE if I don't obey his commands? Geez, Sol, that's a bit harsh, wouldn't you say?"

 

Boos and hisses all around.

 

"So I've had people coming up to me for the past two weeks - Raynor, what are you gonna do about Solomon? Raynor, how are you going to deal with Solomon? Well that's easy... put him in an empty arena match, so he can't disrupt the proceedings! I mean, DUH!"

 

"That's Solomon vs. Leo Breslin for the European title later on tonight," notes Axis.

 

"Why give him a title shot?" Raynor asks himself, then answers himself. "Because I want to show Scott that I will not cave in to threats - if you want ANYTHING from me, you EARN it! And speaking of earning... this brings me to John Duran."

 

"Duran?" Axis asks. "Where's this one going?"

 

"Duran has already earned himself something from me, and hopefully it will serve as an example for the more unruly of you back in the locker room. Due to the tensions between Mr. Duran, and the SJL World Heavyweight Champion Charlie "The GrappLAH" Matthews!!!"

 

WHOOOOOOO!

 

"-due to those tensions, Mr. Duran has earned himself..."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"... a restraining order."

 

"Whoa!" Axis and King shout in unison, just quick enough to beat the crowd who does the same.

 

"Matthews has his hands full tonight with Aecas, and I don't want any funny business from Duran, so he is hereby ORDERED to remain at least 500 feet away from Matthews AT ALL TIMES tonight!"

 

"Well crap," King shouts disgustedly, "you've already booked a freaking baseball field brawl, with intereference in both corners ANYWAY! What harm could little ol' Duran do?!"

 

"You know damn well what he can do," Axis responds. "Raynor is taking charge to make sure his matches go down EXACTLY as planned!"

 

"Duran's already got a barbed wire rope match, RIGHT BEFORE Grappler's! Does Raynor really think so highly of Duran that he could survive that kind of match and STILL impact the main event?"

 

"Are you saying you don't?"

 

"No, I'm saying it's MY job to give the heels too much credit, not his!"

 

"So to recap!" Raynor says, winding down. "Number one: I'm sorry. Number two: Get some paramedics to the Gund for Solomon. Number three: Duran, stay the hell out of my main event! I think that about covers it.... Thank you everybody, and enjoy the rest of the show!"

 

With that, Raynor tosses the mic out of the ring and mounts the nearest turnbuckle, as his music rises up to carry him out.

 

"Well that was certainly unexpected," says Axis. "John Duran is now required by LAW to remain at least 500 feet away from Matthews for the entire show!"

 

"Unexpected? Hardly," King scoffs. "This is just the kind of dumbass stunt Raynor was bound to pull. But it doesn't matter. So Duran won't get his hands on Grappler tonight - does Raynor really think that restraining order will last forever? Sooner or later it's going to happen, and you know it."

 

"In any event, the show must go on - heck, we've barely started! Up next is Kid Cools and Tokyo-X in a No Gravity Match! We've put together a little package highlighting the best this stip has to offer - here's a sneak peek!"

 

*fade to package*

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After a commercial for Terrance-chow, endorsed by Janus, the packed HHH Metrodome is scanned by camera one where signs such as “WE LOVE SIEN, COSIEN, AND TANGENT!” as well as “CANADIAN BLUNDER SUCKS!” before coming to stop in front of our faithful commentators for tonight, and every SJL show, Axis and the Suicide King.

 

“Well, King, this sure is one great Wrathapalooza, huh?” the large Aussie asks of his debonair counterpart.

 

“It certainly is, and it’s just getting better. We’ve just started, but we’ve had some brutal action in a ladder match between English Dragon and Todd Royal for that television strap,” King replies.

 

“And we just had some very interesting words from our new commissioner, Chris Raynor. Hey, King, how’s it feel to have a guy you double-crossed be your new boss?” Axis quips.

 

“Pardon me? I am still the commissioner of the SWF. This is just a side-job because nobody would be able to replace me if I stopped. I mean, do you think that Mark Stevens could do this as well as I can? Heck no! He’s too old. We get so many new kids in the JL that he wouldn’t be able to remember anyone’s name,” King explains. “Look, enough of this banter, let’s get the next match underway,” KoH demands.

 

“And we shall. This match was invented by a former SWF superstar, Tod deKindes, the ‘No Gravity’ match, and the two we’ve had before have sure been doozies,” Axis says while King gestures for Funyon to enter the ring.

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, the following is a ‘No Gravity’ match. Countout and disqualifications are not in effect. The only way to win is by performing five top rope maneuvers successfully. Introducing first, from Osaka, Japan. He stands six feet, one inch and weighs two hundred, twenty-six pounds. ‘SHINING BLACK’ TOKYO X!”

 

Half of the stadium lights go out, dimming the dome as “Tank” by Seo Taiji begins to blast over the public address system. As the chorus hits, Tokyo X comes out to a shower of boos. X walks down towards the ring while hassling the closer fans. Just as he’s climbing up the steps, he catches a young fan waving a “KID COOLS IS COOL” sign. X rushes the kid, snatches the sign, rips it to shreds and rolls into the ring while the boy is crying.

 

“Now that’s just cruel, King. That youngster was just showing support for Kid Cools. How would Tokyo feel if someone ripped up a sign of his?” Axis says.

 

“Well, Axis, I don’t think that ‘Shining Black’ would really care if he even had fans,” the Suicide King rationalizes.

 

Several dark blue spotlights shine down on the entranceway, setting up the entrance of Kid Cools. “And his opponent, hailing from Anytown, USA, he is six feet tall and two hundred, thirty-one pounds, KID COOOOOLS!” Funyon exclaims.

 

“MY NAME IS KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID!!!! MY NAME IS KID COOOOOOOOOOOOLS!” A huge explosion of blue pyro erupts near the entranceway and as the modified “Bawitdaba” by Kid Rock plays, Kid Cools walks out, arms raised while the JumboTron plays his entrance video. He takes his time, running his hands over his near-shaven head, waiting for the video to play through. He stands on the apron and models his “Tokyo X: Weaker than a Kitten, Dumber than a Sack of Hammers” shirt for the crowd. Cools enters the ring and cracks a smile at the glowering Tokyo across the ring. Ex-MLB superstar-turned referee Kirby Puckett goes over the rules a final time with KC and X. He nods towards Funyon, who rings the bell.

 

DING! DING! DING!

 

The two men circle each other, looking for an opening to exploit. Kid Cools attacks first with a back fist to Tokyo’s nose. KC moves forward for a jab, but X sidesteps and drives an elbow into the back of the Kid’s head. Cools staggers forward, Tokyo rushes towards a turnbuckle and climbs up. He turns around, waits for KC to do the same, and when he does, Tokyo leaps off, knocking Cools down with a missile dropkick. “Nice move by Tokyo, and he’s ahead, one point to none,” Axis states.

 

Former Viking Fran Tarkenton marks a tally on the side of a large dry erase board labeled “Tokyo X.” The other half, of course, reads “Kid Cools.”

 

Tokyo pulls Cools to his feet and whips him into the ropes. On the rebound, Tokyo sends Kid to the mat with a hiptoss, followed up with a legdrop to keep him grounded. X scrambles towards the ropes, pulls himself onto the top strand while turning, and leaps off for a four hundred fifty degree splash. However, Kid Cools manages to deftly roll out of the way just before impact. “X hit hard there on that attempt. Now it’s time for Kid Cools to take advantage and tie up the score,” Axis informs the viewing audience. KC gets to his feet a moment before Tokyo X does. Lunging towards him, Cools sends X to the mat with a DDT. “Nice DDT by Cools. That might be enough to slow down Tokyo enough to hit a top rope move,” Axis says. However, Kid Cools pulls Tokyo up rather then climb the top turnbuckle.

 

“Once again, you are wrong, Axis!” King shouts gleefully. Cools smacks Tokyo across the chest twice, which along with getting two ‘WHOOS!’ out of the crowd, sends ‘Shining Black’ staggering backwards. Kid Cools runs towards the set of ropes away from X, and charges towards him off the rebound, left foot raised high. A loud ‘SMACK!’ comes from the painful meeting of Cools’ boot and Tokyo’s face.

 

“Yakuza kick by Cools! I wonder how Tokyo will feel about the American Cools using a move named for the Japanese Mafia?” Axis questions. Kid Cools climbs up to the top turnbuckle, leaps off, dropping an elbow across Tokyo’s midsection, and Tarkenton marks a tally on Cools’ side. “And now it’s all tied up, one-to-one,” Axis states.

 

“Axis, the people watching at home do know how to count. You don’t have to state every single minute detail of the match,” King snaps back. Kid Cools lifts Tokyo X to his feet, locks in a front facelock, lifts, and drops ‘Shining Black’ on his head with a brainbuster. Cools is not finished, though, as he pulls the dazed X up again and delivers a stiff elbow to the jaw, rocking the Japanese wrestler. KC follows with a shotei to the forehead, a jab to the bridge of Tokyo’s nose, an openhanded slap to the cheek, and he finishes up the combo with a bionic elbow, which sends Tokyo to his knees.

 

“Nathan’s Famous Combo by the frankfurter enthusiast!” Axis shouts. Cools locks on a front facelock, lifts Tokyo up, and sends him back to the mat with another DDT. KC climbs to the top turnbuckle, coils up, and leaps off, looking for a frogsplash. However, he seems to have misjudged, and lands about a foot in front of Tokyo X.

 

“Ha ha! Dear Jesus was that funny! One of those rookie mistakes from Kid Cools, there,” King says, amused at the outcome. Tokyo X slowly gets to his feet and helps Cools to his. X cracks KC in the jaw with a stiff roundhouse kick, applies a front facelock and hits a snap suplex. Tokyo slowly makes his way towards a corner, climbs to the top turnbuckle and waits for Cools to get up. Slowly KC rises, and just as he’s back to a vertical base, ‘Shining Black’ jumps, flips, scissors Kid’s neck with his legs, and sends Cools down to the mat with a top rope hurricarana. Tarkenton marks a second tally on Tokyo’s side, much to the anger of the fans.

 

“Tokyo X takes the lead again. If they keep trading points like this, Kid Cools will find himself on the losing end,” Axis states.

 

“Thanks Cap’n Obvious,” Suicide King retorts hotly. Tokyo quickly gets up and climbs to the top turnbuckle, looking to take a big lead. He yells at the fans for a moment, then turns around and leaps off, looking to hit a frog splash. However, KC manages to roll out of the way and onto the ring apron. He pulls himself up via the ropes and waits for Tokyo, who’s winded after eating canvas.

 

“It looks like Kid Cools is now going to tie it up again,” Axis points out.

 

“Uh, Axis, I think that Stevie Wonder would be able to figure that out,” King shoots back, annoyed at the Aussie. ‘Shining Black’ gets to his feet, a bit dazed, and turns around to face Cools. KC pulls himself onto the top rope and springs off, catching Tokyo’s head in a facelock. Kid Cools spins around, driving Tokyo X into the mat with a...

 

“Springboard tornado DDT by Cools to tie this up at two apiece!” Axis shouts. The fans cheer as Fran Tarkenton adds a tally to Kid Cools’ side of the board. Both KC and ‘Shining Black’ lay on the mat for a while, trying to pull themselves up. Not having taken the brunt of the last attack, Cools gets to his feet first and drives a boot into the ribs of Tokyo. The Anytownian pulls X up and Irish whips him into a the far corner. Cools charges towards him seconds before impact, and a few feet away from the slouching Tokyo, he leaps, twisting his body in the air, ultimately driving his elbow into the side of ‘Shining Black’s’ head. “Nice corkscrew back elbow by Cools to really rattle Tokyo X,” Axis states. Cools roughly grabs Tokyo and pulls him out of the corner slightly before KC places his head under Tokyo’s left arm and pulls Tokyo’s right arm through his own legs. “I think I know what’s coming up, King,” Axis says excitedly. Kid Cools cinches X’s right wrist, grabs his head, hoists, and falls, driving the top of ‘Shining Black’s’ cranium into the ring. “Pumphandle exploder!” Axis screams like a giddy schoolgirl.

 

“Nice move by Kid Cools there. Hey, Ax-Man, I bet you five bucks that Cools follows up with some top rope move,” King says to his broadcast partner.

 

“Uh..I don’t...” Axis begins, but KC has already pulled himself to the top turnbuckle and falls forwards, smacking his forehead into his adversary’s.

 

“You owe me five bucks, Axis!” says King, also as giddy as a schoolgirl.

 

“But, I didn’t...” Axis pleads before being cut-off.

 

“Now, now, a bet’s a bet. No reneging. That’s just not done,” King says as Tarkenton marks Cools’ third tally.

 

“How about a double or nothing bet, King? I’ll take Kid Cools for the victory,” Axis begs as Cools pulls his opponent to his feet. The hot dog maniac whips Tokyo to the ropes and buries a knee into X’s midsection, doubling him over. Cools acts fast, snaring ‘Shining Black’ in a full nelson. KC lifts X up, releases one arm, turns him around, cinches in a front facelock, and drives Tokyo to the mat with a DDT. “Nice full nelson DDT by Cools, showing a bit of strength, there,” says the Aussie. Cools slowly gets to his feet and walks over to the corner and climbs to the top, facing towards the crowd. He stays like that for a few moments, playing to the crowd, before leaping off for a moonsault, but hits nothing but canvas.

 

“Another rookie mistake from Kid Cools, there, Axis. I think I’ll take you up on that bet of yours. It doesn’t look like Cools is going to win if he keeps screwing up,” King says happily. Tokyo gets to his feet and pulls Cools up with him. ‘Shining Black’ nails Kid Cools with two forearm shots to the face, staggering him. X whips Cools into the corner and follows after, clotheslining Kid’s back. KC reels backwards, allowing Tokyo X to deftly climb to the top turnbuckle and leap off with a double axhandle. Tarkenton marks a tally for ‘Shining Black’ as the fans boo.

 

“Oh come on! That shouldn’t be allowed. It’s way too simple,” Axis protests.

 

“What are you talking about? That move takes great skill to pull off. Besides, it’s very dangerous. Why, I remember in ‘96 when the Memphis Eel hit Wahoo McDaniels Jr. with a top rope double axhandle. And you know what happened, Axis? You want to know what happened to Wahoo McDaniels Jr.? His head fucking caved in, that’s what happened, damn it!” King exclaims.

 

“Well, anyway, the score is tied once again, and it’s getting pretty close. Just two more top rope moves by either man, and the match is done,” Axis says.

 

“Well, the way the match as been going, I think that these two will trade points a bit before ‘Shining Black’ Tokyo X takes the match of course,” Suicide King says.

 

Tokyo X pulls a woozy Kid Cools up, side steps, and sends him face first into the middle turnbuckle with a drop toe hold! He rolls the munch-man under the ropes and onto the floor. ‘Shining Black’ backs up against the set of far ropes, waiting for Kid Cools to get to his feet. X charges towards the rising Cools, and leaps between the top and middle ropes, colliding with Kid Cools. “Nice move by ‘Shining Black,’ but he should have gone off the top rope to score another point,” Axis states. After about a minute of both men laying outside the ring, Tokyo X slowly gets to his feet and kicks Kid Cools in the ribs a few times. ‘Shining Black’ pulls himself onto the ring apron and onto the top turnbuckle. He leaps off, looking to hit a shooting star press, but Kid Cools moves just nanoseconds before impact. Cools slowly rises to his feet, lifts Tokyo up, and rolls him into the ring. Kid Cools hops up onto the ring apron and slingshots him up and over to crush Tokyo X’s ribcage with a senton.

 

“And now Kid Cools is just one top rope move away from winning this match!” Axis exclaims.

 

“I think not, my Aussie friend. ‘Shining Black’ Tokyo X will pull this one through, I’m telling you,” Suicide King says, albeit a bit nervous. Kid Cools pulls Tokyo X to his feet, whips him to the ropes, and bends over, looking for a back body drop. However, Tokyo X knows of such things, stops short, and brings his right knee up to meet Kid Cools’ face. KC shoots up in pain, and Tokyo quickly drops him with a spine buster. “Ha! Now Tokyo X is going to tie this up at four, and then he’ll win the match!” King shouts. ‘Shining Black’ makes his way towards the corner and hops up to the top turnbuckle. He leaps off, flattening Kid Cools with a flipping senton. “I told you! Didn’t I tell you, Axis? Didn’t I? I said that ‘Shining Black’ Tokyo X will tie it up, which he just did, and now, he’s going to win the match in a few minutes, I presume,” King gleefully says.

 

“I don’t know, King. I think that Kid Cools still has some fight left in him,” Axis replies to his commentating partner. Tokyo X gets to his feet and taunts the downed Kid Cools momentarily before ascending to the top turnbuckle. He pauses again to shout at the fans before turning his attention back to the match. Tokyo X leaps off, twisting in mid-air for a picture perfect Sky Twister Press, but his delays have allowed Kid Cools to move out of the way before being hit. The crowd cheers for Kid Cools still having a chance to win the match as the man from Anytown pulls himself up with assistance from the ring ropes. “See, King? I told you he had something left in him! I told you!” Says Axis, turning the tables on the Suicide King.

 

“Damn that moron! If ‘Shining Black’ would have been relentless, like myself, this match would be over,” the King of Hearts complains. Kid Cools begins pulling Tokyo X to his feet, but ‘Shining Black’ lands a low blow, staggering Kid Cools. Tokyo places his head under Kid Cools’ right arm and wraps his arms around the Kid’s midsection. “Aah. After this Northern Lights suplex, ‘Shining Black’ Tokyo X will be able to hit any top rope move, Kid Cools will lose the match, and you, Axis, will owe me big time!” King says, much relieved. However, Kid Cools blocks Tokyo’s attempt for the suplex. ‘Shining Black’ tries again, but Cools’ stops him a second time. Straining, Tokyo X attempts a third time, but it’s not a charm, as Kid Cools manages to stave off his efforts. Slightly exhausted from the exertion, Tokyo X slumps down while still grasping Kid Cools in a waistlock. KC brings several forearm blows down on Tokyo X’s back, with the crowd counting along.

 

“ONE!”

 

“TWO!”

 

“THREE!”

 

After the third strike, Kid Cools applies a facelock, reaches down and hooks Tokyo X’s right leg with his left arm and looks at the crowd cheering him on.

 

“Now Kid Cools will hit the Munch Crunch, hit any top rope move he wants to, ‘Shining Black’ Tokyo X will lose, and you’ll owe ME big time!” Axis exclaims. Kid Cools lifts Tokyo X up, turn around slowly, and falls backwards, driving the top of ‘Shining Black’s’ head into the mat. Kid Cools releases Tokyo but doesn’t make an attempt to get to his feet. The crowd tries to encourage him with chants of “MUNCH! MUNCH! MUNCH!” which seem to have an effect, as Cools slowly gets to his feet. He walks towards the ropes and steps between them, facing the ring, waiting for Tokyo to rise to his feet. After several minutes, ‘Shining Black’ gets to his feet, and turns, groggily, to face Kid Cools. The hot dog man pulls himself onto the top strand and springs towards Tokyo X, nailing him with a clothesline. Kirby Puckett notifies Tarkenton that the move connected, and calls for the bell.

 

DING! DING! DING!

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the match, KID COOOOOOOLS!” Funyon booms out to the cheering crowd.

 

“YES! Kid Cools has won. I think that you owe me something, King,” Axis happily states.

 

“No way! It didn’t count. Any double or nothing bet has to be verified by a notary of the public,” King pleads.

 

“I don’t think so, King. Pay up,” Axis says.

 

“Actually, it’s true. It says so in my official pamphlet about bets and gambling,” King says, showing the Aussie his pamphlet.

 

“Well, I’ll be darned. So it is. And hey, it says that you can’t use a duck to bet on amatuer goat herding? Never heard of that,” Axis states, bemused.

 

As Kid Cools has his hand raised in victory, ‘Shining Black’ gets to his feet, quite angry over the decision. So angry, in fact, that he rushes KC and dumps him over the top rope, where Cools lands directly on his left shoulder, a ‘THUD!’ coming from the impact.

 

“Hey now! You lost, Tokyo, get over it!” Axis shouts, upset at the behavior. “I think Kid Cools is hurt. He’s favoring that shoulder. He could be out for a while,” the Aussie says, concerned.

 

“No matter, we’ve got more Wrathapalooza action!” King says, having little regard for the injured Anytownian.

 

*Star-wipe to commercial*

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Funyon: This match is of teh koolz!

 

Axis: Oh I can't wait! My pants are ejaculating!

 

King: So are my shoes!

 

Ominous voice from above: THE CAGE. CAGE CAGE CAGE CAGE OF DEATH DOOM AND TRAMPOLINE FREEDOM CAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!

 

Both guyz are in EL RING ready to fight and the bell rings! Korgath waddles around and Minnesota boos him! And Tybalt bites his thumb hard and a pediatrician tells him that biting your nails can lead to ringworms! And everyone laughs!

 

Axis: What is a pediatrician doing on the field? LOL

 

King: ROFLMAO.

 

So Tybalt says "FUCK YOU!" and he punches him THROUGH THE CAGE AND HE FALLS ONTO A BASEBALL AND IMPALES HIMSELF.

 

Crowd: "HOLY COW! HOLY COW! HOLY COW!"

 

So Korgath tries to leap on the trampoline but he's so FAT that he breaks a hole in the TRAMP

 

 

 

O-line LOL! So now he's all "I'm wallowing in both mediocrity AND in this trampoline which is slowly conforming to my waist! And Tybalt starts bouncing bouncing bouncing and in the air he does A FULL OMG FULL SEVEN HUNDRED THOUSAND AND TWENTY THREE DEGREE SPLASH BUT HE LANDS RIGHT ON HIS HEAD OMG HE COULD BE DEAD DYING AND DISEASED SOMEONE GET A PEDIATRICIAN ON THE FIELD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

So both men are down and the trampoline isn't even BOUNCING! BUT THEN KORGATH BEGINS TO VIOLENTLY SHAKE AND CONVULSE. HE BEGINS...

 

 

TO MUTATE.

 

Korgath: G..................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

O......................................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

R................................................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

O...............................................................................

....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"GOROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

 

 

Axis: OMG! IT'S GORO! HE JUST MORPHED!

 

King: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I CAN'T BELIEVE MY EYES SO I'M WAVING MY HAND IN FRONT OF MY EYES TO SEE IF I'M IMAGINING THIS BUT I'M NOT AND IT'S REALLY HAPPENINGZ!!!!!!!!

 

GORO CLAWS HIS WAY OUT OF THE CAGE AND BEGINS DOING AN ARMBAR ON TYBALT SINCE GORO BEINGZ SERIOUS TECHNICAL WRESTLERZ~! HE THEN JUMPS UP AND DOES A

 

 

SHOOOOTING

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

STAR

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BACKRAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

AND HE ROARS " GORO TORO MORO BORO GORO OORO GOROOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

and in Goro language this means "Happy Birthday Galatea!"

 

So everyone is cheeringz for G0R0 to ESCAPE but he CAN'T because he's TOO BIG!!

 

Random Man That Happens to Work At A Museum: He could be worth MILLIONZ!

 

So they capture G0R0 with a big tranquilizer gun and net him up and carry him away to New Yawk City!

 

*SWIM SWIM SWIM SWIM SWIM*

 

RMTHTWAAM: We're in NYC!

 

G0R0 goes up on display!

 

G0R0: GORO OROG ROGO RGOO!!!! (ROAR I'M GOING TO KILL NEW YORK CITY!)

 

So G0R0 KILLS everyone and has SEX WITH THEIR WIVES ANALLY and CLIMBS UP TO THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING! HE SCREAMS!!

 

G0R0: GORO ORGO ORGO ORGO GORO ROOG GROO!!!!!! (Superstar wrote this match and he is superior to EVERYONE!)

 

Then Korgath WAKES UP and he's all "Aww man it was only a dream!" and he goes on his COMPUTER! And something pops up!

 

"Take This Quiz! What Embarrassing SWF/JL Moment Are You?"

 

TYPE TYPE TYPE

 

 

"You are...No-Showing a Gigantically Large SJL PPV-type Event! People are disappointed, but they still laugh at you since The Superstar gets to type up a hilarious replacement match!"

 

Axis: LOL

 

King: What are we doing here?

 

Axis: Where's my pants lol.

 

 

THIS MATCH BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE NEWWWWWWWWWW IGNWF WHICH IS 2000000000 TIMES BETTER THAN THE SWF. VISIT THEM ONLY IF U HAVE INSIDER.

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Axis: Well, that last match certainly was... different, to say the least...

King: I will never look at Korgath the same way again. All the jiggling flesh, the flabby thighs... MAN he gets me hot...

Axis: ... Right. I didn't know you were gay...

King: I'm not. It's these hormones I've been taking for the past few weeks. You know, to train for the Wet T-shirt Contest we're having. Because you gotta have Boobs to solve the Rubix Cube!

Axis: What are you talking about?

King: I don't know, these hormones are screwing with my brain!

Axis: You seem a lot more into it than I am...

King: That's because I know I'll win.

Axis: Right then... Well, On the last show, Craig McLennan won a very special battle Royale, Thus winning a Brand New Buick! But before we bring him out, let's take a look at the last 5 minutes of the match, to show you just how close it was.

 

McLennan Locks up with Jindrak, and gains the advantage with an arm wringer. He pulls down violently on the arm, hyperextending the shoulder, causing Jindrak to shout out in pain, clutching his arm with his free hand. Jindrak puts his forearm into the face of McLennan, forcing him back into the ropes by the bus. Jindrak punches him in the stomach, Once, Twice, Three times. He throws him off, into the opposite ropes, and McLennan bounces off of them. Jindrak puts his head down for a backdrop attempt, but McLennan stops just in time. As Jindrak Lifts his head up once more, he is caught with a dropkick to the chin. As he staggers back, McLennan moves back about 4 feet, and gets a running start, looking for a big clothesline to send Jindrak over the top to the floor. But Jindrak drops his head down again, and backdrops McLennan to the outside, onto the bus once more!

Axis: Remember, McLennan isn't eliminated yet, his feet haven't touched the floor!

King: He may as well be, Look at all that broken glass still on the hood of the bus! McLennan's back may be scarred for life!

Jindrak, thinking he's won, jumps up and down, yelling "I've FINALLY got a car! I've FINALLY got a car!" Meanwhile, McLennan gets up, showing his bloody back, with several shards of glass still piercing his flesh. He climbs to the top of the bus slowly.

Axis: Oh My God! He should NOT be up already! It's inhuman! McLennan is not a human being!

King: Calm down. Just because you're a wimp doesn't mean that everybody else is.

Axis: Oh, VERY professional, King.

King: Speak for yourself, criticizing me for not being a perfect professional isn't very professional of you.

Axis: I... Uhhh... Oh, just watch the damned match.

McLennan waits on top of the bus for Jindrak to face him.

King: He isn't really going to jump, is he?

Axis: I think he is, King. I think he is.

King: Oh, God. He's a lunatic.

Jindrak turns around, after the referee tells him that he hasn't won. McLennan leaps as soon as he sees Jindrak begin to turn. McLennan flies toward Jindrak, landing on his shoulder, and wraps his legs around Jindrak's head. McLennan turns to the right as he begins to fall backwards, and flips Jindrak up and over the top rope. Jindrak bounces off the ring apron, and lands on the ground like a sack of potatoes.

Axis: OH MY GOD! McLennan has just won this match, with a beautiful flying hurricanrana... From the top of a BUS!

Funyon: The winner of this bout, and a brand new 2004 Buick Rendezvous Ultra, to be presented at Wrathapalooza, Craaaaaaaig McLeeeeeeeenaaaaaaan!

 

Axis: And with that, we go to the ring, where Craig McLennan is already waiting to receive his new car!

 

Craig stands in the ring, as the curtains are parted by a Jet-black Buick. He paces around the ring impatiently. When the car reaches ringside, McLennan asks for a microphone. He gets his wish.

 

"Okay, this car here. Is THIS what I won? WHat a waste of my time. I wouldn't have even shown up if I had known I'd win something like... THAT." McLennan Points to the car, a look of contempt on his face. "A stinking BUICK!? I mean, come on... It could've at LEAST been a Corvette! THAT I could have added to my collection. But this? No. Instead, I think I'll give it to someone who would appreciate it. Now then, as much as I hate to admit it, I had a difficult time winning the battle royale. And the man who gave me the most trouble doesn't even work for this company. Mark Jindrak. "Carless" Mark Jindrak, as a few of you may know him. Well, it just so happens that I know he's in the crowd tonight. Mr. Jindrak, I would appreciate it if you would down to ringside, and take this monstrosity from my eyesight..."

 

Jindrak, who was sitting in the fourth row until now, runs down to the barricade, and leaps over it. He looks over the car with an intense desire, usually reserved for drunk college chicks. Jindrak is beside himself. He Thanks McLennan, and gets in the car.

 

"Wait, wait, wait!" McLennan shouts, before Jindrak can leave. "I need a ride..."

 

McLennan opens the passenger door, and gets in. With that, Jindrak backs up The Buick, through the curtain.

 

Axis: Well, McLennan wins a Buick, but refuses it, and gives it to Mark Jindrak, who is no longer carless... But anyway, up next, we have An interesting match, something straight out of an AMerican Gladiators episode... The Joust. Victor Tarakanov will be facing Jimmy "The Demon" Liston.

King: This match is gonna be great!

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Guest Thoth

Axis: Welcome back to SJL WRATHAPALOOZA!!! What an exciting night we've had so far, and there's much more to come! Next, Jimmy "The Demon" Liston will take on Viktor Tarakanov in a Joust match!!!

 

King: I was a fan of American Gladiators, back in the day. These guys are lucky they're not facing me up there.

 

Axis: Whatever you say, King. They have removed the ring, and laid protective matting around the two raised platforms. On top of the platforms lie the jousting sticks. The object of the game: knock your opponent off their platform two out of three times.

 

King: They also need names.

 

Axis: Huh?

 

King: They need names, like on American Gladiators. "Turbo" or "Nitro", something like that.

 

Funyon walks out to between the two platforms, microphone in hand. He raises his hand to quiet the crowd, then begins to speak.

 

Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for two falls. Entering first, wearing red, weighing in at 280 pounds, from Astrakahn, Russia, VIKTOR TARAKANOV!!!

 

"Soviet National Anthem" by the Russian Red Army Choir strikes up as a large red pyro explodes on the entrance ramp. The crowd begins to chant "USA! USA!" as "The Red Rage" walks down the ramp coolly, checking the tightness of his wrist tape. Viktor sneers at the crowd before climbing up to his platform.

 

Axis: The crowd is obviously not thrilled with Tarakanov tonight.

 

King: No kidding. It's called American Gladiators. A Russian should not be competing.

 

The lights go dark. Milky chanting can be heard in the background as spotlights fly over the fans, and a single phrase is uttered over the arena's sound system:

 

"Why don't you ask me what it feels like to be a freak?"

 

Rob Zombie's "Demon Speeding" erupts from the speakers as pyros run up the ramp, from ringside to entrance, ending with an explosion and flash of flames, revealing Jimmy Liston at the top of the ramp, wearing a blue padded helmet, blue pads, and a full blue body suit with an AG logo on the chest. Liston raises a fist towards the crowd as Tyler Sullivan runs out from the entrance and joins him. The two walk down the ramp as Funyon proceeds with the introductions.

 

Funyon: Now entering, wearing blue, weighing in at 228 pounds, being accompanied by Tyler Sullivan, from Boston, Massachusetts, "THE DEMON" JIMMY LISTON!!!

 

Liston leaves Sullivan at ringside, and climbs up to the blue platform. He picks up his stick and faces Tarakanov. Referee Eddy Long pushes Sullivan

 

King: Look at Liston! He's wearing an American Gladiators outfit! He's ready for this fight.

 

Axis: Well, both wrestlers have their sticks ready, and are waiting for the bell to start the match.

 

*DING DING DING*

 

Tarakanov takes a mighty swing with his stick. Liston raises his stick, and deflects the blow with the pad. Liston swings back, and delivers a soft hit to Tarakanov's shoulder. The unaffected Tarakanov winds up and swings, hitting Liston in the head. Liston staggers, and drops his stick, which falls to the ground. Tarakanov takes another swing, and Liston moves back on his platform, out of the reach of the swing. Tarakanov takes another swing, and Liston blocks with his arm, taking another step towards the back of the platform. Tarakanov takes a final swing, and Liston moves back and teeters on the edge of the platform. Tarakanov jabs out to give Liston a final push over the edge, and Liston reaches up and grabs the pad on the end of the stick.

 

Axis: Liston caught Tarakanov's blow, and now there's a tug of war going on. Liston's trying to steal Tarakanov's stick.

 

King: Liston has knows what he is doing. He will win this quickly.

 

Tarakanov pulls hard on his stick, giving Liston the leverage needed to get back onto the platform. As Liston pulls himself up, Tarakanov releases his stick, sending Liston falling backwards off the platform, down to the ground below. Liston's back lands with a thud on the mat.

 

*DING*

 

Funyon: First fall goes to Viktor Tarakanov!

 

Axis: Ooh, that looked like it hurt. Hopefully Liston will recover quickly and return to his platform.

 

King: He'd better watch out, too. Tarakanov is climbing down to retrieve his stick. He may want to start something.

 

Axis: It looks like Eddy Long feels the same way you do, King. He is approaching Liston with the blue stick.

 

King: Tyler Sullivan looks like he has a few things to say, too. He's coming up behind Liston.

 

Liston takes the blue stick from Eddy Long, and the ref picks up the red stick and approaches Tarakanov. Liston looks ready to fight, but Tarakanov, with a superior look in his eye, simply takes the red stick, and climbs back up to the red platform. Liston turns to Sullivan, who starts giving Liston advice on how to continue. Eddy Long comes over and breaks it up, pushing Sullivan off the mat. Liston turns and climbs the ladder to the blue platform. When both wrestlers reach the top and appear ready, Eddy Long signals for the bell to be rung, beginning the second match.

 

*DING DING DING*

 

Liston swings his stick in a vertical swipe at Tarakanov. Tarakanov raises his stick, blocks the blow, and brings the bottom of his stick up, striking Liston in the shin. Liston grits his teeth and swings again, narrowly missing Tarakanov's shoulder. Tarakanov swings his own stick, hitting Liston in the arm. Liston quickly swings back, hitting Tarakanov in the side of the head. Tarakanov stumbles, and receives another blow. He drops to one knee to avoid falling. Liston makes a vertical swing, Tarakanov reaches up and grabs the end of the stick, and pulls himself back up. Still holding the end of Liston's stick, Tarakanov swings with his own at Liston. Liston takes a blow in the shoulder, the side and the hip. Tarakanov releases Liston's stick when his own platform begins to shake. The camera pans down to reveal Sullivan at the floor, throwing himself into the support for Tarakanov's platform.

 

Axis: Look at that! Sullivan's cheating to save Liston.

 

King: Yeah, well, he might as well quit it. Liston doesn’t need the help.

 

Axis: Eddy Long is not happy about this. He's yelling at Sullivan and pointing up the ramp.

 

Long: Get out of here! Get out of my ring!!!

 

Sullivan: Cool it. I'll just go back to where I was.

 

Long: If you don't leave, Liston's disqualified!

 

Axis: Now Sullivan's learned his lesson. He's doing nothing but causing Liston trouble.

 

King: Serves him right. Liston doesn't need him. He should get rid of him.

 

Meanwhile, Liston raises his stick, delivering a low blow to Tarakanov. Eddy Long, who is still yelling at Sullivan, does not see this happen. He does see, however, Tarakanov's body come falling from the platform, and landing smack on top of Tyler Sullivan.

*DING*

 

Funyon: Second fall goes to Jimmy Liston!

 

 

Axis: I don't know who would be hurting more after that, Tarakanov or Sullivan.

 

King: Well, Sullivan gets what he deserves. He should have left ringside when he was told to.

 

Axis: Eddy Long is cracking up. He's calling for a stretcher.

 

A laughing Eddy Long accompanies an Emergency Medical team to ringside, and helps them strap an unconscious Tyler Sullivan to a stretcher. Still grinning, he helps Tarakanov up, hands him his stick, and sends him on his way back up to the red platform. He then signals for the bell to be rung.

 

*DING DING DING*

 

An angry Tarakanov comes at Liston, swinging his stick at head level. Liston ducks down, and jabs at Tarakanov's midsection, knocking him back to the edge of the platform. Liston sends out another jab, but Tarakanov blocks and swings, hitting Liston in the shoulder. Liston goes down on one knee, and is knocked onto his back by another blow from Tarakanov. As Liston tries to get up, he is hit in the side. He teeters on the edge of the platform, before slipping and falling. Liston quickly reaches up and catches the edge of the platform.

 

Axis: LISTON'S OUT!!! TARAKANOV WINS!!!

 

King: Wait, he's caught himself. Liston hasn't been eliminated yet.

 

Axis: He's holding onto the platform with one hand. He can only go down.

 

King: Liston will pull this off. He's been in worse situations.

 

Axis: Yes, and he's lost on all accounts.

 

King: That's beside the point. It's the experience he has. He'll find a way out.

 

Axis: That's awfully optimistic of you, King. Optimistic to the point of stupidity.

 

Liston holds onto the platform with one hand, his stick with the other. Tarakanov seizes the opportunity, and goes to work on Liston's hand. Liston swings his own stick up, hitting Tarakanov in the leg. Tarakanov takes a guarded step back, then moves in again to try and take out Liston's hand. Liston's weakened grip loosens a little more with a blow from Tarakanov. He swings up in retaliation, but Tarakanov jumps up and out of the way of Liston's stick. Tarakanov lands on the edge of his platform, and the teeters back. Tarakanov tries to maintain his balance, but he is too far off, and he slips off the red platform as Liston loses his hold on the blue one. Both wrestlers fall to the mat below.

 

*DING DING DING*

 

Axis: WE HAVE A WINNER!!! EDDY LONG WILL ANNOUNCE THE WINNER!!!

 

Eddy Long stares long and hard at the point of impact, trying to replay the image in his mind. Finally, he asks for a replay on the Smarktron. The Smarktron lights up, and an image of the two wrestlers, falling in slow motion appears. Long studies the image as Tarakanov and Liston both hit the mat at the same time. Satisfied, Eddy long calls the match a draw.

 

Axis: No winner yet! The match goes on!

 

King: We're going into extra innings.

 

Both wrestlers pick up their respective sticks, and climb up to their platforms. Eddy Long signals for the bell to ring.

 

*DING DING DING*

 

Liston takes a low swipe at Tarakanov, hitting his opponent in the shins. Tarakanov retaliates with a blow to the head. Liston blocks, and sends another shot at Tarakanov's gut. Tarakanov takes the hit, and swings at Liston's shoulder. Liston almost drops his stick, and is cracked in the chin by an underhand swing from Tarakanov. Liston staggers back, holds out his stick, and quickly steps forward, knocking Tarakanov backwards. Tarakanov winds up and swings, but Liston blocks and jabs at Tarakanov's chest, knocking him back another step. Tarakanov swings again, hitting Liston in the face. Liston sidesteps, and hits the edge of the platform. He teeters, holds his stick behind him, and regains his balance. Tarakanov winds up, and takes a shot at Liston's back. Liston ducks, and the momentum from the swing causes Tarakanov to step, hit the edge of the platform, and lose his balance. He drops his stick and swings his arms, trying to regain some balance. Liston reaches out and taps Tarakanov on the chest, sending the big man tumbling down to the mat below.

 

*DING DING DING*

 

Axis: LISTON! LISTON HAS WON!!!

 

King: I told you he would come through. The US beats Russia, any day.

 

Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner, "THE DEMON" JIMMY LISTON!!!

 

Rob Zombie's "Demon Speeding" begins to play as Liston climbs down from his platform. He walks triumphantly up the ramp to the entrance, looking back at Tarakanov on the floor, as the crowd chants "USA! USA!"

 

Jimmy raises his arms victoriously before crossing behind the curtain to the backstage area.

 

Axis: A big upset, a World Title contender losing to former TV Title holder Jimmy Liston.

 

King: Yeah, but Liston deserved this, his first Pay-Per-View win. Anyway, Tarakanov had no business competing in an American Gladiators event.

 

Axis: SJL WRATHAPALOOZA continues with the Mall Brawl. Danny Conklin, Bloodshed, Tim Dillon, Michael Lockwood, and Cutthroat will run amok in the country's largest mall, The Mall of America, in search of a single balloon containing a golden ticket. That's next.

Edited by Longdogger_Pete

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Guest Thoth

(THERE IS NO SECRET TEXT HERE LOL)

 

The SmarkTron blinks to life as the scene switches from the arena to the Mall of America. Cameras are seemingly positioned everywhere for what could very well be one of the greatest matches of all time. Through four stories of shops and attractions, thousands of patrons walk aimlessly from place to place, not even prepared for what they are about to witness.

 

Axis: And here we go…it’s time!

 

King: Oh yeah…I’ve been waiting all night for this…

 

Suddenly the PA system crackles on and the Mall Brawl guest announcer, SWF superstar and Mall Brawl IV winner Janus…from the safety of his security cart…somewhat introduces the competitors.

 

Janus: Will Tim Dillon please report to Nordstrom’s service desk…thank you.

 

Axis: What the…

 

Janus: Will Danny Conklin please report to Sears’ service desk…thank you.

 

King: This is strange…

 

Janus: Will Bloodshed please report to the south entrance…thank you.

 

…will Micheal D. Lockwood please report to the east entrance…thank you.

 

…and of course…

 

King: Here he comes…

 

…will Cutthroat please report to the south entrance and wait with Bloodshed…

 

 

Axis: No “thank you” for Cutthroat…

 

The cameras switch back and forth from the four areas just as each person arrives, but at the south entrance trouble is afoot…as Cutthroat has not shown up.

 

King: Where is he?

 

Axis: …bathroom?

 

Janus has driven whirredly to the south entrance and waits with a mic.

 

Janus: Well…since we checked all the bathrooms in the building and couldn’t find Cutthroat…and since we guessed this would happen…here is Cutthroat’s replacement…

 

Axis: Who could this be…

 

Janus: …KIVTHROAT!

 

Mathew Kivell appears through the south entrance doorway, dressed identically to Cutthroat. Bloodshed and Janus stifle laughter and Kiv just smiles politely.

 

Janus: Now that everyone is here…

 

WELCOME TO MALL….BRAWL…..FIVE~!

 

A golden balloon is waiting to be released somewhere in the building. It is possible that it can be grabbed by anyone or float to any place. If I see it around I just may move it to piss you all off. Anything is legal…….when you hear the sound of my bullhorn…you will be free to hunt down the golden balloon…which will be released. Inside that balloon is a small piece of paper that reads…

 

“POTTED PLANT = TEH RATINGZ!”

 

…you must bust the balloon and carry that paper to an official who will be waiting at the first floor information desk. Give the paper to him and read what the paper says to be declared the winner. It’s not that hard…really….

 

Axis: Well…any second now…

 

King: Here we go…

 

 

 

 

 

 

HHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNKKKKKK~!

 

And they are OFF! Bloodshed and Kiv take off in separate directions as Dillon, Danny, and Lockwood do the same. At the same moment…on the second floor…the golden balloon is released from it’s resting place inside Abercrombie & Fitch.

 

The camera switches to Kiv, who is jumping around bystanders and working his way to a stairwell. Janus WHIRS past in his cart and almost runs into Danny, who was coming the other way. Danny notices Kiv, but Kiv is too busy looking for the steps to see Danny take him down with a vicious clothesline. Janus laughs to himself and continues to ride around.

 

Axis: Danny is going for pain early on!

 

King: He should win this!

 

On the other side…Bloodshed has been joined by a masked janitor who seems to have an Insane Luchadore fetish, wearing his mask and running behind Bloodshed with a mop and bucket of water. Dillon is heading in the other direction and the two pass by each other without almost a glance, but Dillon double takes and chases Bloodshed off camera…but before the cameraman can follow Lockwood runs past and so he decides to follow. Lockwood is seemingly the first to find any stairs, as he heads up to the second floor toward where the balloon has been released.

 

Axis: Lockwood now heading upstairs…

 

King: Smart man…he knows what is up!

 

The scene switches back to Kiv, who is now making his way through Camp Snoopy in the center of the Mall. At a running pace he jumps a fence and comes face to face with Snoopy himself…literally…knocking Snoopy down and taking off the characters giant fake head…

 

Axis: Kiv just took off Snoopy’s head!

 

King: Wait…is that…

 

Axis: Oh my god…no…

 

The “headless” Snoopy stands up and the whole world sees CUTTHROAT was the man in the outfit. Kiv can hardly contain himself and begins laughing uncontrollably, along with Axis and King.

 

Cutthroat: Shut up! I need the money!

 

Cutthroat uses his big furry paws to grab Kiv and DDT him into the ground, but upon regaining his footing he sees about fifty children, and a very pissed off Frost, who just had their dreams destroyed by Snoopy’s now deformed head laying on the ground…

 

King: Frost looks pissed…

 

Axis: …and that is different from normal how?

 

The kids and Frost begin to advance on Cutthroat…

 

Axis: Uh oh…Cutthroat is in TROUBLE NOW!

 

King: Looks like he is getting a time out!

 

Cutthroat is enveloped in a sea of children and is taken down, with almost a blood curdling scream being let out as Kiv finally stands up and gets the heck out of Camp Snoopy while he still can.

 

King and Axis still have barely regained there composure as the scene switches back to Danny, who is also on the second floor and is running from store to store, checking down aisles for the balloon…Danny even happens to pass the Mall’s pet store, where a special sign advertises “The Memphis Eel”. Nobody seems to notice. Conklin is met by Lockwood almost head on, but the two stop short and stare at each other…

 

Axis: What now, King…

 

Danny and Lockwood smile at each other and shake hands, but Lockwood pulls him in and drops him down to the ground with a legsweep before taking off running…but Danny is up quickly and follows closely behind.

 

As they round the corner of the mall, Danny almost faints, as the site of the shop “Irish Indeed” has caught him off guard. He runs into the store and begins light window-shopping, only to bump into Dillon, who had lost site of Bloodshed and ran off to find the balloon and also was pulled into the allure of the Irish. Both of them reach for a one of a kind Lucky Charms cereal box and a FIGHT ERUPTS, as green and gold go flying in the middle of the store.

 

A plucky shopkeeper comes up to them as they roll around on the floor.

 

Keeper: What are you two DOING!?

 

Both: Brawling!

 

Keeper: Stop that!

 

They go back and forth for a while, the shopkeeper complaining and the others fighting, before long Janus drives in to the store, whirring along and almost hitting the shopkeeper.

 

Janus: Let them go…it’s the SJL…

 

Keeper: Oh…..

 

Janus drives back out and the shopkeeper walks away as Dillon and Danny roll out into the mall, with the whirring become softer and softer as Janus disappears around the corner.

 

Axis: Well it looks like the action is really heating up out there…

 

King: But where is Bloodshed…and Lockwood?

 

The camera goes to Flashbaxx – one of the nightclubs of the Mall – with WATSON 310 MAFIA performing LIVE and Bloodshed dancing his way through, making sure Dillon is gone and that no balloons wafted in. Bloodshed is so intent in his search that he totally misses Tom Flesher macking with some chick in the corner of the club.

 

Axis: Is that……

 

King: ………Grappler’s SISTER~!

 

Axis: Oh…my…god…

 

King: Go Tom! Give that man a title!

 

*Axis slaps his forehead*

 

The scene fades out just as Bloodshed leaves the nightclub and switches to Lockwood, who has made it to the third floor and still no one has found the balloon. The scene switches to the balloon…

 

 

 

 

…that happens to be floating about a dozen feet above Cutthroat’s injured head as he sits on a bench and recovers from the “cold” and childish beating.

 

King: LOOK UP MORON!

 

Axis: I can’t believe this…

 

The balloon wafts up and onto the east side of the 2nd floor, a camera sees the balloon drift one way on that floor as Lockwood runs right above it on the 3rd floor, before running into Kivthroat, who is trying to get as far away from Cutthroat or any of those kids as he can. They slam together and Lockwood is definitely disgusted, shrugging off Kiv and running back in the direction he came, but Kiv comes up behind him and spins him around.

 

Kiv: What are you doing?

 

Lockwood: Get away from me, scum!

 

Kiv: Don’t call me scum!

 

Kiv smacks Michael hard and then gives him a picture perfect jobber dropkick, right into a normally empty section of the 3rd floor that is now housing an antiques show. As the camera pans around and tries to keep up with the battle between Kiv and Lockwood, SWF CHAMPION THOTH can be seen at a table…

 

Axis: Is he…

 

King: …getting the World Title APPRAISED?!

 

Appraiser: I’m sorry sir…this belt is meaningless…

 

Thoth: WHAT?! WHY?!

 

Appraiser: Because I said so…and I am teh rule…

 

Thoth stands up and knocks the table away, grabbing the appraiser and powerbombing him into the floor.

 

Axis: OH MY GOD WHAT A POWERBOMB~!

 

King: That’ll be worth the price of doctor’s bills….

 

Thoth leaves, stepping over the body of Kivthroat, who is slightly bleeding after taking a shot from Lockwood via Antique Telephone. The owner seems miffed but a bit of cash from Lockwood puts a smile on his face as Lockwood takes off for the stairs back down to the 2nd floor.

 

The camera switches back to Danny and Dillon, running quickly on the OTHER side of the 2nd floor, right past Bloodshed who is conversing with an Arts and Crafts shopkeeper.

 

Bloodshed: yeah and…

 

Bloodshed suddenly sees the camera and shoves it away, causing it to go to static. The scene changes back to Danny and Dillon AGAIN…who now have met up with Lockwood and a brawl has erupted.

 

Axis: What was Bloodshed doing back there?

 

King: Who cares…look at this fight!

 

Danny goes IRISH INSANE by diving up onto the 2nd floor railing and almost falling over before springing back and hitting a flying elbow onto Lockwood as he was being held by Dillon. Both men smile but Danny sees a chance and kicks Dillon in the stomach and dropping him hard with a DDT.

 

Axis: Wait! Look back there!

 

King: It’s the Balloon!

 

The balloon flies behind Danny, who actually notices it and gives chase, running across the 2nd floor like a madman. Lockwood and Dillon are up quickly and run after him, and all three men catch it at the same time.

 

Dillon: I got it!

 

Danny: No I got it!

 

Lockwood: No…it’s MINE!

 

Cutthroat: You are all wrong…it’s MINE!

 

Cutthroat has reappeared, sporting a paintball gun. He keeps it locked and loaded and grabs the balloon from the hands of the men and busts it open…

 

He picks up the card…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He opens it…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cutthroat: What the HELL?

 

Dillon/Danny/Lockwood: WHAT?

 

Axis/King: YEAH…WHAT?

 

 

 

Cutthroat: “You are beingz teh fool-ed!11!! - Bloodshed”

 

 

 

D/D/L/A/K: OH…MY….GOD!

 

The camera switches to Bloodshed, who has a huge grin on his face after watching the whole scene from across the gap on the other side of the floor. His smile grows even larger when he sees THE REAL BALLOON floating above the four men on the fourth floor. Bloodshed casually walks to the stairwell before BOLTING up the stairs.

 

The scene switches back to the four men, who are still mostly flabbergasted but decide to take a run back around the floor. Danny heads one way as Dillon heads down the stairs and Lockwood heads the other way.

 

Axis: These guys are all lost, King.

 

King: Except Bloodshed…he knows where he is going!

 

Bloodshed is then seen passing very stores, and runs out of camera view…the camera freezes and begins zooming in on the Mall’s FYE, where the camera faintly begins picking up images of CDs and CD racks flying across the store, the camera moves in closer to find THE HVILLE THUGG…quite pissed…

 

King: What is HE doing here?

 

Thugg: What do you MEAN you don’t have the new DMX CD!

 

Employee: We are…ummmm…sold out, sir…

 

Thugg: I WILL WRECK YO SHIT~!!!

 

Thugg continues wrecking shit as the scene changes back to Bloodshed just as he rounds a corner and right into the path of the balloon. He grabs it and his smile grows…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*CRACK*

 

Bloodshed drops like a stone from some unidentified object…that is revealed to be a mop from the masked janitor. The janitor removes his mask and…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

IT’S CRAIG MCCLENNAN!

 

 

Axis: How did he get here!?

 

King: Jindrak must have driven him over for being so kind…

 

McClennan is standing over the downed Bloodshed.

 

Craig: I own you, man…as always…

 

Bloodshed bleeds as Craig grabs the balloon and walks off, smiling.

 

Axis: Now where is he going with that…he can’t win this match!

 

King: Or can he?

 

Janus’s whirring is heard in the distance as he comes zooming up behind Craig and swerves in front of him, grabbing the balloon.

 

Craig: What are you doing?!

 

Janus: You aren’t in this match…you can not win!

 

Craig: I don’t care!

 

Janus: Don’t make me get out of this cart, boy…

 

 

Craig grabs the balloon back and tosses it over the side of the floor, only to have it bob casually across the open space. Janus pulls Craig into the cart and they drive off as the scene switches back to Dillon on the first floor.

 

Axis: Looks like Craig is getting the boot, King.

 

King: But he did his good deed for the day…

 

The scene switches back to Dillon, who is still hunting for the golden balloon, running through the food court at a blistering speed, moving out of there just as…

 

**FWOOOSH – THUNK**

 

Axis: Oh it can’t be…

 

King: It is!

 

Axis/King: SILENT!

 

An old lady is dropped out of line by the SWF veteran as he jumps in line.

 

Silent: Can I get a Coke?

 

The attendant is dumbfounded but hands the man his Coke before he strolls back to where he came from…

 

Axis: Dear Lord….

 

King: What a day…

 

The scene cuts back to Dillon once more…as he is taking a breather on a bench. He throws his head back and opens his eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE BALLOON!

 

 

Dillon can see the balloon wafting up to the fifth floor. He smiles devilishly and grabs the elevator, as the scene switches again to Danny, who didn’t see the balloon and has instead been surrounded by tons of drunks and a few waitresses from Hooters…he doesn’t seem to mind the attention.

 

Girl: My name is Mindy…can I have your autograph?

 

Girl #2: I want your name on my breast…will you do that?

 

Danny looks almost faint and beings to sign his name…the girl stops halfway through…

 

Girl #2: Wait…Danny? Who in the hell…I thought you were Cutthroat!?

 

Axis: Is that girl serious?!

 

King: Well she is blonde…

 

Danny (and the viewing audience) is stunned that these two beautiful girls would have a crush on Cutthroat…but Danny (being the smart irish lad that he is) heads them off completely…

 

Danny: I’m better than him…

 

Girls: We don’t care! We want our Cutty!

 

Danny: Check the bowling alley…he’s a pinhead…

 

Girl #1 slaps Danny as they run off toward the first floor. Danny holds his face as he pushes through the drunks and runs off in the opposite direction. Axis and King are still dumbfounded.

 

The camera jumps back to Lockwood, who has accidentally stumbled upon the secret nesting ground of the Minnesota homeless culture…and Tim Robbins, which happens to be hidden away on the far east end of the fifth floor. Lockwood is in shock, but the door can’t be opened from the inside.

 

Axis: How did a camera get in THERE?

 

King: Hey…anything can happen…

 

Tim Robbins, in full meditative gear, is moving in on Lockwood…who begins to toss money at Robbins, but they deflect and hit the ground!

 

King: He can’t be stopped!

 

Robbins is now in Lockwood’s face against the door.

 

Lockwood: What do you want…

 

Robbins: Join us…

 

Lockwood: NO!

 

Robbins: We will kill you…

 

Lockwood lets out a small rich man’s scream and suddenly falls backwards out of his hell and back into the mall, as a young child has pulled open the door, looking for a bathroom. When she sees Lockwood she screams and quickly shuts the door right in Tim Robbins face.

 

Axis: Yeah…smart move from that little girl there…

 

King: Maybe she can wrestle Spike next show…

 

Axis and King laugh to themselves as the scene switches back to Dillon, who has reached the fourth floor and sees the balloon wafting into an arcade. Janus rides past happily, humming along to the whiiirrrrrr as Dillon runs inside and grabs the balloon…

 

 

 

…at the same time as Bloodshed!

 

Dillon: You tricked us before…give me that damn balloon!

 

Bloodshed: It’s mine!

 

Dillon: Mine!

 

Bloodshed: Mine!

 

Dillon: Mine!

 

Bloodshed: Wait…wait…let’s DDR for it…

 

Dillon looks around a moment and takes the balloon…

 

Dillon: Sure……best two out of three…

 

Bloodshed and Dillon head for the DDR EXTREME machine and find two little preps trying to act cool. Dillon seems content waiting his turn but Bloodshed has other ideas. He grabs one and throws open what looks to be a badge made out of construction paper and elbow macaroni….

 

Bloodshed: SJL…We need this machine.

 

Axis: What a crafty bastard…

 

King: You can say that again…

 

Axis: What a cra-

 

King: Oh shut up!

 

The two preps back away slowly as Dillon ties the balloon to the machine and they hop on, selecting “3-2-1 Stars” and beginning to dance.

 

Up!

 

Down!

 

Up!

 

Left!

 

Up Right Combo!

 

Up Down Combo!

 

Up Left Combo!

 

Right!

 

BOOYAH~!

 

The first song ends and a huge crowd has gathered, chanting the names of the two men…

 

“Blood-Shed!”

 

“Dil-lon!”

 

But both men shush them and tell them to keep quiet so the other wrestlers do not hear them, but it is too late. A recovering Kivthroat has been playing Pac-Man since his run in with the antiques earlier. The camera can make his figure out in the background as he moves closer to the dancing duo. He nonchalantly unties the balloon and runs as the crowd and the music of the second song, “Mikeneko Rock” is enough of a distraction to conceal his ruse.

 

Axis: Kivell is making off with the balloon!

 

King: And those two know nothing!

 

Dillon wins the 2nd dance, evening the score after a bad round from Bloodshed, who is almost kicking himself with rage. But the rage gets worse when he looks over his shoulder.

 

Bloodshed: It’s GONE!

 

Dillon: …[email protected]#$~!

 

Bloodshed and Dillon try to run out of the arcade but the mod has them pinned in. Kiv is down the stairs to the 3rd floor, but runs into Danny and Danny looks IRISH PISSED to see Kiv with the balloon!

 

Danny: Give me that damn thing, NOW!

 

Kiv: Screw you, pal!

 

Danny lunges at Kiv and another brawl erupts. Behind them, only seen by the camera…Michael Lockwood goes sailing from above and past them, seemingly repelling down the floors!

 

Axis: What the…

 

King: Did a camera catch how he did that?

 

****FLASHBACK****

 

Lockwood has escaped from Tim Robbins and suddenly spots Kivthroat with the balloon running from the arcade below, Lockwood rounds the corner and finds a group of tourists actually REPELLING from the fifth floor to the first. Lockwood sees his chance, waving a few bills at the tourists to get them to back off as he begins hooking up wires.

 

Man: Do you know what you are doing?

 

Lockwood: Damn straight…now get out of my way…

 

Lockwood pushes the man back and flies off the fifth floor, only to overcompensate and go sailing down past the brawl and toward the lower floors.

 

****END FLASHBACK****

 

Axis: Wow…

 

King: Wait…check out Kiv and Danny!

 

Both men roll into the Barnes & Noble and begin a book showdown, as Kiv has grabbed War & Peace and Danny has “Irish Fighting For Dummies”. They spin around the bargain racks, never taking their eyes off each other, Kiv holding the balloon tightly and Danny taking random swings just as Janus whiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrs past once more, followed by Bloodshed who is seemingly trying to catch Janus.

 

Bloodshed: Janus STOP!

 

*SCREEEEEEEECH*

 

Janus: What?!

 

Bloodshed: Can you take me to the bowling alley…some guy was talking about two hot girls going there…and something about a balloon…

 

Janus: I can’t do that…

 

Bloodshed: Please?

 

Janus is unamused…but Bloodshed begins dancing wildly, flailing his arms in every direction, trying to suck up to him enough to let him ride around…

 

Axis: If he walked he’d be there by now…

 

King: Shush…this is GOLD!

 

Bloodshed ends with a flourish, pulling out a small flag with “Janus” on it that he made at the Arts & Crafts store and waves it energetically. Janus stifles laughter once more…

 

Janus: Fine…hop in.

 

Bloodshed hops in and Janus fires down on the pedal and WHIIIIRRRRS toward the stairs. Bloodshed’s eyes grow wide.

 

Bloodshed: can’t you take the elevator…

 

Janus: Won’t fit…here we go…

 

Just as they sail off the edge the scene cuts back to Danny and Kiv, who are connecting rapidly with books to the face of each other, with Kiv trying to knock out Danny and Danny wanting the balloon. Danny tosses the book at Kiv, who instinctly ducks…only to get totally caught off guard as Danny grabs him and suplexs him onto the bargain books. The onlookers cringe as Kiv rolls off, letting the balloon go.

 

Danny grabs the balloon and heads for the B&N exit, only to round the corner and be stopped by Cutthroat…still wielding the paintball gun…

 

Cutthroat: Is that real?

 

Danny: I hope so…

 

Cutthroat: Give it to me!

 

Danny: You know there are girls that want to see you in the bowling alley?

 

Cutthroat: WHAT?

 

Danny: yeah…they think you are damn fine!

 

Cutthroat: Really?

 

Danny: yeah…go get em…

 

Cutthroat looks to run off but instead turns and shoots Danny in the balls and grabs the balloon, popping it and grabbing the paper inside…

 

Axis: Cutthroat has it!

 

King: HOLY CRAP!

 

…and shoving it down his pants.

 

Axis: OH MY GOD…

 

The King almost pukes as Cutthroat runs his hands through his hair and smiles…

 

Cutthroat: Here I come ladies…

 

Axis: He doesn’t even care about the match!

 

King: Well the boy just lost his job…let him have a little fun…

 

Cutthroat heads off and is just out of sight as Dillon, still slightly out of breath from the dancing, finds Danny down on the ground…

 

Dillon: Where’s the balloon?

 

Danny: Cutthroat has it…bowling alley…

 

Dillon kicks Danny back down and runs off down the stairs…leaving Danny alone holding his balls.

 

Axis: Everyone is going for Hi Life Lanes!

 

King: This could get ugly…no wait…those girls…

 

Axis: Shut up, King!

 

The scene switches to the Lanes…as Cutthroat enters and spots the two waitresses at the bar. He walks on up to them and introduces himself…

 

Cutthroat: Hey ladies…it’s me…Cutthroat…

 

Girls: WOW!

 

Cutthroat: yea…there is enough of my lovely self to go around…

 

Girls: We soooooo want you…

 

Girl #1: Let’s get naked…

 

Girl #2: Follow us…

 

King: Did Cutthroat just grow a few inches…

 

Axis: Did you?

 

The girls pull Cutthroat down and back behind the lanes, where the camera follows as the girls begin to get jiggy with their bad selves.

 

The scene changes, but not much…as the camera catches Bloodshed, Dillon, and Lockwood running into the Lanes…with Dillon almost crashing into…

 

 

 

Justice & Rule~!???!!

 

 

 

…who happen to be looking to bowl a few games. Dillon backs up slowly and turns…wanting to run…but all is changed when…

 

 

 

 

 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~!

 

 

…two high pitched girly screams come from behind the lanes and the two waitresses run out…panty-clad…and head for the exit…

 

Girl #2: I can’t believe he had that paper down his pants…

 

Girl #1: Potted Plant??

 

The three wrestlers look at each other and head to the back, finding Cutthroat in an uncomfortable position, with the paper only inches from his feet.

 

Bloodshed: Did those girls beat you up?

 

Cutthroat: It’s not funny…

 

Axis/Bloodshed/King/Everyone: Yes…yes it is…

 

Lockwood sees the paper, grabs it, and runs out, but Bloodshed catches him and drops him with a reverse DDT. Dillon follows that up with a reverse brainbuster to Lane 1 on Bloodshed, busting him open even more…

 

Bowling Lane Owner: Blood on Lane 1…Blood on Lane 1…

 

Dillon grabs the paper and runs out, with Lockwood being the first up and out the door to follow and Bloodshed following soon after, holding his head.

 

Axis: This could be over soon!

 

King: And Lockwood could win it!

 

Axis: Not if they have anything to say about it…

 

Lockwood is flying across the mall, cutting through Camp Snoopy to try to lose the others. He runs around a corner and once again stops in his tracks…a gun barrel pointed in his face.

 

Axis: It’s Danny~!

 

King: And he has that paintball gun!

 

Danny signals for Lockwood to hand over the paper…but Lockwood shakes his head and Danny shoots HIM in the balls, dropping him down. Bloodshed and Dillon catch up a few seconds later but well placed shots put them down as well.

 

Danny: This game is over…

 

Danny grabs the paper and turns around…but is met by G0R0!

 

Axis and King: G0R0~!!!!

 

G0R0: Give me that paper!

 

King: Wait…that doesn’t sound OTHERWORLDLY EVIL~! like G0R0…

 

Axis: That sounds like…

 

King: ….KIVELL!

 

Axis: Oh no…

 

Janus whirs into Camp Snoopy and stops close to the action…grabbing his bullhorn…

 

Janus: MORTAL KOMBAT!!

 

*HHHHHOOOOOONNNNNNKKKKKK*

 

 

“The Theme From Mortal Kombat” begins to play throughout the Mall as Kiv0R0 grabs Danny and using special hydraulic lifts, pulls Danny up ten feet off the ground and turns him upside down. Kiv0R0 begins to shake Conklin and finally the paper falls to the ground. Kiv0R0 drops Danny and he falls with a THUD, only to crawl over to his gun as Kiv0R0 bends down to get the paper…

 

King: Danny is going for that gun again!

 

Danny puts a well placed shot into Kiv0R0’s costumed testicles, but Kiv0R0 just laughs, grabbing the gun and tossing it off into the distance. Kiv0R0 plods in and takes Danny down with a huge boot to the face…

 

Axis: He can’t…

 

King: He is…

 

Kiv0R0 takes a few steps back and looks up at Janus…who nods…

 

Janus: FINISH HIM~!

 

The Mall goes dark as Kiv0R0 runs in and hits a HUGE LEGDROP that sends a crash throughout the area and the paper into the air…and into the hands of a recovering Lockwood. Janus takes this time to inform…

 

Janus: FLAWLESS VICTORY!

 

Bloodshed has also climbed up at the same time…and as Lockwood turns they meet face to face…and another fight is on!

 

Janus: Uhhh…Round Two??

 

Bloodshed comes in with a quick kick but Lockwood blocks and goes behind Bloodshed and drops him with an amateur takedown.

 

Axis: Lockwood getting technical…

 

King: …in a MALL BRAWL?!

 

Lockwood leans down to get in Bloodshed’s face but is caught by…

 

 

 

 

 

BLOODMIST~!

 

 

Axis: Lockwood is BLINDED BY BLOOD!

 

King: Ewwwww!

 

Kiv0R0 is back up but Bloodshed has climbed on top of a fake Snoopy-ish hill, and dives off and hits a beautiful dropkick that sends the top-heavy Kiv0R0 reeling and tripping over another small hill and falling back into a gigantic waterdish!

 

Axis: And Kiv0R0 is DOWN!

 

Janus: Uhh…Finish Him?

 

Bloodshed obliges, hitting a Shooting Star Press on the downed Kiv0R0 in the water…causing a few onlookers to pop, but Bloodshed has no time to waste… Lockwood is almost up but Bloodshed comes up from behind and hits a running enziguri to Lockwood’s face and sends him down, before Bloodshed himself picks up the paper and runs to the desk.

 

…Janus whirrrrrrrrrs off toward the desk as well.

 

Axis: Can Bloodshed do it!?

 

Bloodshed is only about ten feet from the desk when all of the sudden…

 

 

 

BOOOOOOOOOOYAH~!

 

Dillon dives off the top of the desk and lands on Bloodshed with a huge splash, but both men are hurt.

 

Axis: Where did he come from?

 

King: Must have snuck off during Mortal Kombat…but he looks like he could take his Brawl!

 

Dillon is up and is looking around for the paper…and sees it rolling away! He runs after it as Bloodshed stands, but Bloodshed doesn’t take a step.

 

Axis: Smart move…Bloodshed knows he has to come back sometime…

 

Dillon catches the paper and picks up…reading it…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“YOU ARE BEINGZ TEH FOOLED AGAIN!11!!! - Bloodshed”

 

 

Axis: Bloodshed did it again!

 

King: Does that mean…

 

Bloodshed reaches into his mouth and pulls out a slightly damp piece of paper…Janus and the official are ready.

 

Bloodshed: “POTTED PLANT = TEH RATINGZ!”

 

The other three men appear at the desk just as the official takes the paper…he reads it…

 

 

 

 

 

 

…and hands it to Janus….

 

 

 

 

 

 

…and Janus raises Bloodshed’s hand!

 

 

Janus: And here is your winner………BLOOOOOOOOOODSHED~!

 

 

Bloodshed celebrates, highfiving mall patrons and trying to high five Janus, but no dice.

 

Axis: Bloodshed has won Mall Brawl Five!

 

King: Wow…I didn’t think that guy had it in him…

 

Axis: What an amazing contest!

 

The others just stare in disbelief, holding certain bodyparts and groaning. The camera switches back to behind the lanes, where Cutthroat is receiving medical and psychological attention from the onsite doctor….CROWE…

 

Cutthroats bone-chilling scream can be heard as the scene fades out to black.

Edited by Thoth

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Guest Thoth

Whoosh! Bam! SJL Wrathapalooza is back, and it’s intermission time! You know what that means... *groan*

 

Stevens: Hello, SJL fans! Welcome back to Wrathapalooza! I’m “Grand Slam Mark Stevens, joined by Bobby Riley, and you may be wondering what we’re doing here.

 

Riley: Yeah... why the hell are we here?

 

Stevens: Well, Bobby, simply put, our next battle is between the guys normally in these spots. So, without further adue... Suicide King and Axis... in a Wet T-shirt Contest? Who the hell books this stuff?

 

Cut to a shot of Riley handing off a piece of paper to a SJL employee and muttering something about “next week’s main event” before he turns back around to answer.

 

Riley: Ummmm... not me... but I think we’re ready to start this match!

 

Cut to Funyon in the ring, ready to begin.

 

Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen, the following is a Wet T-shirt Contest! Please welcome our first judge... KID COASL!!!!!

 

Shot goes to kidcoasl, who smiles happily.

 

kid coasl: i r judgen i em gunna be fare

 

corwd: yay, we luv u kid coasl!

 

Funyon: Our second judge... THE ELK!!!!

 

The shot pans over to the next seat and The ELK, who grunts, then spears Gus the cameraman to go 2223459782345863089456026-0.

 

Funyon: And our third judge... Bobby Riley?!?!

 

Riley jumps out of his seat like a Price Is Right contestant who just got called down, running to the third judge’s seat, leaving Mark confused.

 

Stevens: But if Bobby’s judging... then who’s announcing with me?

 

A deafening YEA! screams out of the speakers, and-

 

“KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!”

 

Out comes Commissioner Chris Raynor, “Electra Made Me Blind” by Everclear blasting in the background, he makes his way down the ramp, pumping his fists into the air before he reaches the botom of the ramp. He slaps some fans’ hands, making his way over to the

 

Stevens: Hello, Chris.

 

Raynor: Hey, Mark! You ready for this? I booked it myself.

 

Stevens: Now why would

 

Raynor: You know King and Axis. They never get to have any fun!

 

Stevens: And this is fun?

 

A guy comes up and whispers something in Chris’ ear.

 

Raynor: Well, my man there just told me we gained another 130, 000 viewers in the 13-30 female demographic for this segment, so yeah, it’s fun for them. Oh, and Bobby over there, too.

 

Riley: I heard that.

 

Suddenyl, it all grows darker, the crowd growing quiet until...

 

"ALL ABOARD!! AH HAH HAH HAH!!"

 

As the voice of the great Ozzy Osbourne projects over the speakers, the stage suddenly explodes as a wall of crimson pyro shoots skyward, deafening and blinding those closest. When the pyro finishes the wailing guitar chords of Ozzy Ozborne's "Crazy Train" pick up in volume and the Suicide King is revealed, posing cockily as the crowds pours their derision on him, save for the few sparse cheers from desperate women. Smirking in disdain he makes his way down to the ring, strutting like he is the single greatest thing since sliced bread. Making his way to ringside, he jumps up to stand on the ring apron and moves provocatively between the ropes.

 

Funyon: Introducing the first competitor, the SWF Commissioner and all-around great guy... THE SUICIDE KIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!

 

Once inside the ring the Suicide King circles the ropes, making sure that everyone in attendance gets a good, long look at the most talented, entertaining, and handsome man in wrestling today. The men swear, the women squeal, and the SWF collects another fortune in merchandising... the Suicide King casually brushes the hair out of his eyes and waits for his unworthy opponent.

Suddenly, because we couldn’t find a ring entrance, a familiar metal tune blasts over the speakers, and appearing on top of the stage, being pulled by Ben Hardy, is what appears to be a combination of a rickshaw and a shed. Hardy pants as he wheels it down to ringside. As he stops, the shed flies open, Axis jumping over the top ropes and into the ring! The crowd goes nuts for the whole thing, cheering loudly as Axis steps into the ring.

 

Funyon: And the second competitor, that wacky Aussie, the Lord of the Shed... AXISSSSSS!!!!

 

Bobby smiles happily before Funyon turns off camera

 

Funyon: You ready with that thing?

 

The shot pans out to show Cutthroat holding a huge fire hose. He nods.

 

Cutthroat: Cut-throat!!!

 

Cutthroat readies to unleash a torrent of water, but as he does, King snatches the mic from Funyon’s hands.

 

King: Whoa whoa whoa... you expect me, the SWF Commissioner, to be involved in a Wet T-shirt Contest? I think not. I have better things to do with my night. Let’s get out of here, Axis.

 

The crowd boos as Axis and King move to leave the ring, but just then...

 

 

 

“CRASH!”

 

The sound of glass shattering sends shivers down the spines of the fans in the Metrodome as a familiar face makes his way out from the back.

 

Raynor: BAH GAWD!!! STONE FROZE!!! STONE FROZE!!!! HE’S HERE, AND HE’S GONNA KICK SOME ASS!!!

 

Stone Froze enters the ring, snatching the mic from Funyon. He reeks of alcohol, causing Funyon to plug his nose as he speaks.

 

Stone Froze: You two are gonna stay right here. You ain’t goin nowhere.

 

Crowd: What?

 

Stone Froze: I said those sonofabitches ain’t goin nowhere.

 

Crowd: What?

 

Stone Froze: I SAID those sonofabitches ain’t goin nowhere.

 

Crowd: What?

 

Stone Froze: They’re not leavin.

 

Crowd: What?

 

Stone Froze: Stayin put.

 

Crowd: What?

 

Stone Froze: Stuck like glue.

 

Crowd: What?

 

Stone Froze: I ain’t Stone Cold, you dumbasses, so shuddup. Now soak these sonofabitches real good!!!

 

Cutthroat: Throat!!!

 

Cutthroat turns the hose on, soaking only one of the men in the ring.

 

Stone Froze: Ahhhhhh, ya dumb sonofabitch! Ya got me all wet!

 

Stone Froze Jack Houston gets out of the ring and STUNNERS Cutthroat straight to hell, causing all hell to break loose. The ELK runs into the crowd and starts spearing people, Cyclone Comet rappels down from the ceiling, Brahma Bull Rock Bottoms The Worm, Lucky and John Doe get slammed through 20 tables by Jay Dawg, Neilsen tries to break his nut-shot record on T-Bone, Stubby comes back to apologize to everyone, Funyon starts tap-dancing, Outcast yells “Get off my lawn!”, Z finally wins a title, Iceman canes Apoc-X 73 1/2 times, Kevin Nash becomes World Heavyweight Champion, Rane piledrives Spike through 26 flaming tables, The Dukes of Hazzard make the jump over the river in the General Lee, nobody expects SACRED’S INQUISITION~!, a shot rings out, a baby cries, a woman screams, the police arrive to investigate, Zio gets hit by a white Bronco, France gets invaded again ...AND JAYSON GRANT SLAMS NTD THROUGH THE HOOD OF THE GALATEAMOBILE~!!!!! BAH GAWD~!!! WHEN WILL THE CARNAGE END?!?! WHY MUST IT BE LIKE THIS?!?!

 

 

 

Oh, and part of an AIM conversation pops up on the Smarktron:

 

PikaPal13X (7:45:26 PM): Hey

Emilvandro (7:45:30 PM): hallo.

PikaPal13X (7:45:48 PM): wassup?

Emilvandro (7:46:32 PM): show going up.

PikaPal13X (7:47:02 PM): cool

PikaPal13X (7:47:26 PM): i'm waiting for the show/talking to the girl i want to go out with soon :-)

Emilvandro (7:48:44 PM): work that playa charm. ;-)

PikaPal13X (7:49:02 PM): yeah

 

Meanwhile, Russian Bear makes his way through the curtain. Russian Bear suddenly produces THE STICK~! and speaks:

 

Russian Bear: I must break you.

 

He heads down to the ring, but Chris Wilson pulls a lever and the ramp explodes!

 

Meanwhile, the Elk spears both Israel and Palestine, and George W. Bush says "I supported that all al--ACK!"

 

 

TRANSATLANTIC SPEAR!

 

 

1!

 

 

2!

 

 

 

3! NEW LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD! NEW LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD VIA PINFALL!

 

Raynor: Wait, Edwin posted that in the community promo thread-

 

ELK BURSTS THROUGH A WALL LIKE THE KOOL-AID MAN AND SPEARS RAYNOR! 1-2-3!!!

 

Raynor: Ouch...

 

 

ELK TURNS AROUND AND SPEARS CUTTHROAT! HE DISINTEGRATES! 1-2-3! ELK GETS UP AND SPEARS ANOTHER CUTTHROAT! HE DISINTEGRATES! 1-2-3! Meanwhile, the real Cutthroat rides off on his bike as everyone beats up on two Cardboard Cutthroats...

 

 

BUT ELK SPEARS THE BIKE!!! 1-2-3! ELK BEATS THE BIKE! ELK BEATS THE BIKE!!! I’M JUST TYPING IN CRAP HERE TO TAKE UP SPACE FOR NO LEGITIMATE REASON!!! ELK SPEARS ME!!! 1-2-3!!!

 

-Meanwhile, In Afghanistan...-

 

Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein are chillin’ in a cave...

 

 

 

BUT ELK BURSTS THROUGH THE CAVE WALL SPEARS BIN LADEN AND HUSSEIN!!! 1-2-3!!! ELK GETS $50 MILLION AND BECOMES THE NEW FBI’S #1 MOST WANTED!!! NUNZIO, CHUCK PALUMBO, AND JOHNNY “THE BULL” STAMBOLI SUDDENLY APPEAR AND CHASE AFTER ELK! ELK SPEARS THEM ALL! 1-2-3!! NEW BITCH TO JOB TO ‘TAKER!!!

 

Raynor: Whew! What fascinating excitement! Everything’s gone mad!!!!

 

Stevens: But we’re out of room for this match, Chris. Word limit is up. Time to go to commercial-

 

Raynor: Wait, let’s see how this pans out!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-Seventeen Minutes Later...-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The chaos continues. King is still here, busy nailing the Joker’s Wild on all kinds of people who don’t deserve to be in King’s shadow. Axis has gone and hid in his shed, both he and King escaping the wet t-shirt contest. Frost, Tom Flesher, TNT, The Boston Strangler, and Erek Taylor are fighting, but not with their fists. They’re busy in a high-stakes game of poker!

 

Frost: I’ll see your “Spend 30 minutes with Mr. Bukakke and The Cock”, Erek, and raise you one ride on the Job Train...

 

Flesher: Eh, I’m out. No way I’m betting that.

 

Strangler: Me, too.

 

TNT: Me three.

 

Erek: Heh. I call.

 

Erek lays down his cards.

 

Erek: Four kings. Beat that!

 

Frost lays his cards down.

 

Frost: Four aces. Have fun.

 

Erek: DAMMIT!

 

In the crowd, people are running, but not from The Elk... from Caveman Chris, who sports a pair of over-sized, skin-colored hands that he smashes stuff with. As they hit stuff, they make a “CHRIS SMASH!” sound, identical to the caveman’s own voice.

 

Caveman Chris: CHRIS SMASH WITH CHRIS HANDS!!! CHRIS LIKE CHRIS HANDS!!! GOOD SWF PRO...PRO... MER... MER... THING!!!! CHRIS SAY “BUY CHRIS HANDS NOW”!!! OR CHRIS SMASH YOU!!!

 

Caveman Chris then smashes the camera lens. Elsewhere, Johnny Generic is making popcorn angels, but Sydney Sky picks him up, hits the Daybreak on him, and pins him, but Annie Electic falls on top of Sydney! Then Cammy falls on top of Annie! Then Elk falls on top of all of them! 1-2-3!!!

 

Riley: And The Elk wins again. What a surprise.

 

Stevens: Where have you been, Bobby? You were supposed to come back after the contest was over.

 

Riley: ...I’d rather not discuss that...

 

Meanwhile, in the ring, Stone Froze, Brahma Bull, The Worm, and Iceman are brawling for no reason, when suddenly, two referees, namely Sexton Hardcastle and Anthony Michael Hall, stand to the side of the entrance ramp holding up sparklers for THE MEMPHIS EEL~!!!! as he comes out though the curtain!

 

Riley: IT’S THE DIRTIEST PLAYER IN THE GAME, THE MEMPHIS EEL~!!!!!

 

Sexton and Hall follow The Memphis Eel down the ramp, but suddenly, three masked men jump out of the crowd, one of them nailing Sexton in the head with a steel chair!

 

Riley: Who the hell are those guys? I don’t recongnize them at all...

 

The three men remove their masks...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Revealing themselves to be none other than THE DAMES, BOB BARRON, AND BPS21~!!!! (Y)!

 

Stevens: OH MY GOD!!! THE DAMES~!!! BOB BARRON~!!! BPS21~!!! THEY JUST JUMPED SEXTON HARDCASTLE~!!!!

 

Riley: But why’d they attack Sexton?

 

Stevens: It’s Sexton, Bobby. Do I need to explain?

 

Riley: Nope.

 

The three quickly turn into a HOUSE... EN... FUEGO~!!!!!, beating the unholy hell out of Hardcastle as The Memphis Eel continues down into the ring.

 

Stevens: And here he comes! The Memphis Eel on his way into the ring!

 

The Memphis Eel gets into the ring, confronting the four men. Poke to the eyes of Stone Froze! Poke to the eyes of Brahma Bull! Punch to the nads of The Worm! The Memphis Eel pulls a HOUSE... EN... FUEGO~!!! and starts punching Iceman, then piledrives him into the mat!

 

Stevens: This is nuts! What’s going to happen next?

 

And then, it happens.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wait for it...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Keep waiting...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Almost there...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Riley: When is he going to let this damn thing happen-

 

 

The arena goes silent. Over the PA, the sound of a bell rining twice can be heard, and then “Highway to Hell” by AC/DC kicks in as Toll Booth Willy makes his grand entrance, walikng to the ring and warming up. Inside, he warms up more before he does the Ali shuffle in the middle of the ring.

 

Stevens: IT’S TOLL BOOTH WILLY!!! HE’S MAKING HIS FIRST SJL APPEARANCE!!!

 

Riley: Who the hell is that?

 

Stevens: He’s the guy who people who no-show matches Michael Craven marks get jobbed to!

 

Riley: Like Cutthroat at the last Wrathapalooza?

 

Stevens: Exactly.

 

And on cue, Toll Booth Willy grabs Cutthroat, lifting him up, and reverse crossed arm powerbombs him through the ground, straight back down into hell!

 

Stevens: CUTTHROAT’S BEEN POWERBOMBED TO HELL!!! WHAT MORE COULD HAPPEN TONIGHT?!?!

 

"Esaka?" suddenly hits the speakers as the lights dim and CED ORDONEZ~!!!! appears at the entranceway, a purple towel draped over his head. A spotlight shines down on him as he quickly surveys the crowd before throwing the towel into the audience. He magically produces a mic, holding up his hand as all the action stops and everyone goes silent.

 

Ced: Ladies and gentlemen! I am proud to announce the biggest, most extraordinary thing to ever happen in the SWF!!!

 

Riley: What does he mean?

 

Ced: We’re gonna have the world’s biggest simultaneous game of Dance Dance Revolution!!!

 

Stevens: OH MY GOD!!! CED’S GONNA TRY FOR A WORLD RECORD!!!

 

As Stevens goes nuts...

 

“WHAM~!”

 

The back of the entranceway bursts open as a huge bus backs through! It rolls halfway down the ramp and stops, Thoth popping his head out of the driver’s window! The crowd goes nuts as the doors open up, some of the true legends of the SWF exiting from the bus:

 

 

Spark~!

 

 

The Hville Thugg~!

 

 

Vlad de Burrov~!

 

 

Thor~!

 

 

Adam The Red~!

 

 

Christian Fury~!

 

 

Brimstone~!

 

 

Pimp Daddy Sarp~!

 

 

Stevens: Look at them all! By God! That’s gotta be just about everyone who’s ever been in the SWF!

 

They all head into the ring, which is now covered by a huge DDR pad! Stevens and Riley look down, noticing that the whole floor is now covered in DDR pads, one for every man, woman, and child in this arena!!!

 

Ced: Now, let’s get this party started!!!!

 

The 70,000+ in the Metrodome all look up on the Smarktron, going nuts as they see a game of DDR starting up on the screen! Everyone jumps in, from Midget all the way up to Giant Gonzales, and starts dancing to the beats, making sure to hit the right direction at the right time!!!

 

Stevens: Where’d the DDR pads come from?!?!

 

Riley: The hell if I know! Just shut up and dance!!!!

 

As everyone dances, Cutthroat finally drags himself out of hell and over towards the DDR pads, hoping he can dance along with them. While in the midst of a combo, Ced Ordonez reaches over, nailing Cutthroat in the balls while still maintaing his combo! (Y)!

 

 

--------

 

 

And so, the entire Metrodome played a long-ass game of DDR, and Thoth finished it off by piledriving Cutthroat onto the pad in-sync with the arrow to get only a “Great!”, which he then complained about all night. And in the midst of it all, a familiar face appeared to finish the madness off with the four most famous words he’s ever said...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dean Rasmussen: THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

 

ASH KETCHUM IS A FUCKING TOOL

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Guest Thoth

SJL WRATHPALOOZA II

McGRIDDLE ON A POLE MATCH

“Canadian Thunder” Chris Trepanier vs “The Extreme Solution” Johnathan Clarke

 

 

With a thunderous explosion of pyro’s Wrathpoolaza returns from a commercial break, the camera focusing on the blacked out Smarktron. Suddenly the giant screen flicks into life flashing the words “Canadian Thunder* in bold red and white letters drawing a series of boo’s from the crowd , slowly the text fades away displaying a short video clip of Chris Trepanier in action from some of his previous matches before the Smarktron once again fades into darkness. A few second pass then suddenly the Smarktron flashes into life again displaying the words “The Extreme Solution” before dying away to reveal a short video clip of highlights from the Extreme One’s somewhat chequered SJL career. For the second time the Smarktron’s screen fades to a still inky blackness, before the black background is smashed open by the word “McGRIDDLE ON A POLE!” before fading back to blackness.

 

Slowly the camera pans out over the cheering fans packed into the Hubert H Humphrey Metrodome, focusing in on a few of the signs “MARRY ME GRAPPLER”, “THE SJL FEARS CUTTHROAT”, “CANADA SUCKS” before moving down to the announcer tables bringing the bathrobe clad Axis and The Suicide King into the shot.

 

Axis: Welcome back everyone, what an unforgettable night it’s been so far, and we’re no where near finished, coming up Leo Breslin defends his SJL European Title against Scott Solomon beamed live via satellite from the SJL’s “Unofficial” home the Gund Arena, SWF superstar The Boston Strangler make a welcome return to the SJL tonight to face his fellow SWF superstar LDP’s 3 Year old son Ian.

 

King: I’ve seen Ian in training for this match Axis and the kid looks impressive, he MIGHT even have been as good as me when I was his age.

 

Axis: Ummm ok King, can I finish now?

 

The Suicide King shrugs, picking up his ever present cup of steaming hot Java and taking a sip.

 

King: Go ahead Shed Boy! Knock yourself out.

 

Axis just shakes his head and sighs.

 

Axis: We’ve also got “The Sinner” John Duran facing off against “Hollywood” Spike Jenkins in a Barbed Wire Rope match and we’ve got one hell of a main event lined up for you, SJL World Champion Charlie Matthews takes on Aecas in a Street Fight. But to make things more interesting each man with have a former SJL Champion in their corner with Matthew’s to be accompanied by “The Antichrist Superstar” Crow and Aecas to be seconded my “The Maori Badass” Va’aiga.

 

King: We all know that Crow and Va’aiga have some unfinished business after Va’aiga beat Crow for the SJL Title in their last match here before they joined the SWF.

 

Axis: That’s true King I can’t see Crow or Va’aiga staying out of that match for too long. But coming up next, Chris Trepanier squares off against “The Extreme Solution” Johnathan Clarke in a McGriddle on a Pole Match.

 

King: McGriddle on a pole match? For Christ’s sake, who thinks of some of these ideas?

 

Axis: That would be Commissioner Raynor, King. If you don’t like it I’m sure he’d be more than happy to tell you what he thinks of your criticism.

 

King: Pah! *The Suicide King mutters something under his breath*.

 

Axis: What was that King? Did you say something?

 

King: Go to Hell Shed Boy.

 

Axis chuckles, for once claming the moral victory as the Suicide King sulks quietly.

 

Axis: Well folks lets go over to Funyon for the introductions.

 

The shot cuts suddenly from the announcer table to the centre of the ring, brining the greatest ring announcer in the wrestling industry into shot as the crowd roar in approval. Funyon smiles waiting for the noise to die down before slowly bringing the microphone up to his lips.

 

Funyon: Ladies and Gentlemen the following match is the McGriddle on a pole match…. the winner of the match will be the competitor who removes the McGriddle from the pole situated on the turnbuckle to my right.

 

Funyon motions with his right arm to one of the turn buckles, which has an additional 6ft tall pole attached securely in place, suspended at the top of the pole held in place by a elastic band sits a Styrofoam box with the word “McGriddle” painted on the lid.

 

Suddenly, “This is the New Shit" by Marilyn Manson booms out over the arena sound system as “Canadian Thunder” Chris Trepanier pushes his way out from behind the entrance way curtain an into the arena to be greeted by a chorus of boos from the fans, Trepanier doesn’t flinch as he walks casually down to the ring, his gaze focused on the McGriddle sitting at the top of the pole.

 

Funyon: Introducing first… From, Grand Rapids, Manitoba, Canada… Weighing in a 272Lbs… He is “Canadian Thunder” CHRIS TREPANIER!!

 

King: I don’t understand these fans Axis, constantly booing someone of Trepanier’s quality, he’s been SJL European Champion and anyone who’s good enough to do that deserves some respect.

 

Axis: I’ll agree with that King, Trepanier has had a great career in the SJL so far. But I think he’s alienated a lot of the fans here in America with his pro-Canadian outlook.

 

King: There’s nothing wrong with being patriotic Axis. Trepanier’s proud of his heritage and I respect that, even if these uneducated morons here don’t.

 

Axis: I guess you have a point King but there’s patriotism then there’s xenophobia, I think these fans think Trepanier’s crossed that line once too often.

 

King: Pah! I’m surprised these idiots know how to spell Xenophobic, let alone what it means.

 

Trepanier reaches the ring and climbs up onto the apron, slipping into the ring between the middle and top rope, turning back to look at the entrance way as he waits for his opponent, as his music dies away.

 

Suddenly the lights cut out, plunging the arena into almost total darkness, the only flickers of light shed by a pyro fuse that slowly burns its way up the entrance ramp towards the Smarktron. As the fuse reaches the top of the entrance ramp the arena is lit up by a massive deep red pyro as Adema’s “Immortal” blasts out over the sound system, whipping the crowd up into a frenzy of excitement. The lights go up slowly revealing The Extreme Solution clad in a Dace Night, Horrorcore 666 Hockey Shirt (which incidentally is available from all leading SJL retailers and from the website) standing with his back to the ring, his arms out to the sides listening to the cheers from the crowd.

Johnathan spins on his heals as he slowly makes his way, giving hi-five to those fans lucks enough to have seats close to the entrance way.

 

Funyon: And the opponent… From, Newcastle upon Tyne, England… Weighing in at 256lbs… “The Extreme Solution” Johnathan Clarke!!

 

Axis: Another great reception for Johnathan, the fans seam to have taking to this young man, even though he hasn’t had the most impressive of starts to his career here.

 

King: That’s exactly the point I was making earlier, why exactly do the fans cheer for this idiot and boo someone like Trepanier?

 

Axis: It’s because Johnathan hasn’t alienated the fans King, he know how important they are and he gives them the same respect they show to him.

 

Johnathan smiles and runs the rest of the way to the ring, sliding in headfirst under the bottom rope, before quickly springing up to his feet running over to one of the turnbuckles, spring up onto the second turnbuckle and looking out into the crowd, savoring the cheers from the crowd before jumping back into the ring, nodding to Funyon before locking eyes with Trepanier.

 

Funyon politely returns the compliment before making his way out of the ring leaving, the match in the hands of referee Mathew Kivell.

 

Referee Kivell raises his hand, giving the signal for the bell to start the match.

 

DING, DING, DING

 

Slowly the two man circle each other, each trying to asses the other for potential weaknesses before locking up in a collar and elbow tie-up, each man trying to asses the strength of the other, slowly Trepanier’s strength and size advantage starts to tell as he begins to push Johnathan back towards the corner. Johnathan pushes back, trying to hold off the inevitable, only to have Trepanier shove away his right arm, twisting Johnathan’s left arm into an arm wringer, then stepping behind him bring him into a hammerlock.

 

Quickly Johnathan brings the elbow of his right arm up, catching Trepanier square in the jaw before racing away towards the ropes for a little bit of momentum, bouncing back towards his opponent.

 

Axis: Johnathan’s going to have to use his speed to his advantage King, Trepanier’s an excellent submissions wrestler and with his martial arts background he can cause a lot of damage with those kicks of his.

 

Trepanier steps forward swinging his foot up towards Johnathan’s head in a massive Roundhouse Kick as the Extreme One runs towards him. Johnathan ducks quickly at the last second causing Trepanier’s foot to whistle harmlessly over his head.

 

King: Damn that was close Axis, if that had hit this one could have been over very quickly

 

With his momentum taking him forward, Johnathan runs into the ropes directly behind, springing back towards Trepanier, launching himself into the air for a huge Spinning Wheel Kick, crashing into Trepanier as he turns around sending both men tumbling to the mat.

 

Axis: Beautiful Spinning Wheel Kick by Johnathan.

 

King: Lucky more like. There was nothing beautiful about it.

 

Johnathan quickly springs up to his feet, reaching down and pulling Trepanier up to his feet only to receive a stiff right hand to the jaw form his troubles. As Johnathan stagers back, Trepanier presses forward catching the Extreme One with two more hard right hand shots before suddenly bringing his foot up hard into Johnathan’s chest with a stiff front kick, following up with a second stiff kick to the chest before completing the tri-fector with a stiff roundhouse to the head that dumps Johnathan to the floor like a sack of potatoes.

 

King: There’s the “Triple Entente” from Trepanier, which should keep that idiot Clarke down for a while, all he need to do now is grab that damn McGriddle then we can get this farcical match out of the way.

 

Trepanier smirks, pulling the groggy Johnathan to his feet before driving his knee hard into the Extreme One’s gut, doubling him over. Reaching down Trepanier hooks both of Johnathan’s arms lifting him up into a vertical position and holding him upside down, letting the blood rush to his head, before dropping him straight down into with a double under hook brain-buster

 

King: Yes!!! I don’t think this match will be continuing very much longer.

 

Axis: You could be right King. It looks like Trepanier’s got the measure of Clarke here.

 

King: of course he’s got the measure of that idiot, it’s not exactly hard is it?

 

Trepanier gets to his feet, locking down at his prone opponent, driving his boot hard into Johnathan’s ribs before reaching down and grabbing Johnathan’s hair, pulling the Extreme One to his knees.

 

Suddenly Johnathan’s right arm lashes out catching Trepanier square in the groin with blatant low blow, doubling him over as Johnathan gets to his feet, pulling Trepanier’s head between his legs, quickly hooking Trepanier’s right arm behind his back with his left arm, Johnathan reaches down grabbing Trepanier’s left leg with his right arm hooking it tight before lifting him up into a vertical position before suddenly sitting down quickly drilling Trepanier with a Single Underhook Fisherman Piledriver.

 

King: He can’t do that! That was a low blow!!!!!

 

Axis: well this is no disqualification King.

 

Slowly Johnathan gets to his feet, racing towards the turnbuckle with the pole on it, springing up onto the top rope and ripping the Styrofoam box from the pole, falling back into the ring with the McGriddle.

 

Referee Kivell signals for the bell as Trepanier gets to his feet, staring daggers at Johnathan.

 

Funyon: Ladies and Gentleman, the winner of the match “The Extreme Solution” Johnathan Clarke

 

King: This is the biggest screw job I’ve ever seen, I’m disgusted!!!

 

Trepanier shakes his head and mutters something under his breath as he rolls out the ring and walks towards the entrance as Adema’s “Immortal” blasts out over the speakers.

 

Johnathan smiles and looks down out the McGriddle then rolls out under the ring, handing it to a fan in the front row before walking down towards the entrance way.

 

Axis: Well folks coming up next Leo Breslin Defends his European title against Scott Solomon… we’ll be back with the action after this commercial break.

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The camera pans across an empty Gund Arena as we here the fans going wild.

 

Axis: Don't worry, folks! Your eyes don't deceive you. That is the empty Gund Arena where tonight we have a very interesting match being brought to you via satellite!

 

King: You ain't kidding, Axis! Tonight, Leo Breslin will defend his European Title against Scott Solomon in that empty arena. Anywehre in that arena. It's a falls count anywhere, no holds barred empty arena match! Woohoo!

 

Axis: Your enthusiasm certainly shows, King. But you are not lying, that is exactly what's going on here tonight, King.

 

King: This will be fun. Hopefully, someone will get hurt. That'll be fun.

 

Axis: Scott Solomon may be having problems as his new running mate Korgath won't be able to factor in to this match. There's no way he could get to Cleveland in time following his match earlier tonight with Shawn Tybalt.

 

King: Boo hoo! Oh wait... I don't care. Let's get on with the maiming!

 

In both Cleveland and Minneapolis, Fuel's "Won't Back Down" cues up. At Gund, the lights go out and sporadic flames shoot up from the stage. Suddenly, Leo Breslin emerges from behind the curtain with a determined look on his face and the European title draped over his shoulder. Scarlet Minjonet follows behind him just a few steps. The lights remain off with the exception of a two spotlights following Leo and Scarlet as they make their way past the shooting flames and down the ramp.

 

FUNYON: Being accompanied to the ring by Scarlet Minjonet, from Cleveland, Ohio, itself! weighing in at two hundred and thirty pounds, he is Leo BRESLIN!!!

 

Fire burns in Breslin's eyes as he and Scarlet make their way to the ring. He slides under the bottom rope and hastily climbs to his feet as Scarlet walks around to ring side and watches on, a smile on her face. Leo is soon bouncing up and down with athletic leaps. One final set of flames shoots high into the air, accompanied by four new flames from each of the posts as the song ends abruptly and the lighting returns.

 

Axis: The champion Leo Breslin seems ready to fight here in his home town. His home field advantage may give him the upper hand in his battle with Scott Solomon tonight.

 

King: Solomon's a crafty one, I wouldn't rule him out just yet.

 

"My Way" by Limp Bizkit starts to play as the fans await for the arrival of Scott Solomon. The song continues to play but no one emerges from the back. Leo Breslin and Scarlet Minjonet look utterly confused in the middle of the ring.

 

Axis: What the hell? Did Scott Solomon not show up tonight?

 

King: Just wait...

 

An engine revs in the Gund Arena, and Scott Solomon emerges from the back in a forklift! The engine revs as Solomon speeds it down the ramp towards the ring. Referee Sexton Hardcastle signals for a bell before sliding out of the ring.

 

DING DING DING!

 

Axis: BAH GAWD! Scott Solomon is a mad man!

 

King: Genius... sheer genius.

 

Scott Solomon drives the forklift right up to and under the side of the ring as he starts to lift if from the floor. The ring creaks for a few seconds than starts to raise with a cracking noise. Breslin stumbles to the mat in the ring. Scarlet immediately runs to stop Solomon, but Solomon kicks her away as she tries to reach inside the forklift. She tumbles down to the floor, stunned, as Solomn pushes the ring all the way to his maximum altitude. The ring cracks down the middle, sending Breslin stumbling down in the middle.

 

Scott Solomon pulls a folding chair out from behind the forklift just as Scarlet gets back to her feet. Solomon whacks her a good one across the skull and she drops to the ground unconscious.

 

Axis: That sick bastard! He just hit a woman with a chairshot!

 

King: Takes care of one means of interference I do believe.

 

Leo Breslin is stumbling his way out of the demolished arena just in time to meet the broad side of Solomon's steel chair with his head. Solomon brings the chair down once again across Breslin's chest before dropping down for the pin cover.

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

THRE.....

 

NO!

 

Leo Breslin just barely shrugs his shoulder up and off the mat. Scott Solomon is already on his feet celebrating his victory, raising his hands in excitement! Hardcastle stops him for a second and tells him that Breslin kicked out. Solomon screams his frustration, than heads towards an empty chair holding the European title belt.

 

Axis: Somehow, Leo Breslin has survived! But how much longer can he last under this kind of punishment!

 

King: Hopefully, a lot longer! I'm enjoying this already!

 

Scott Solomon lifts up the belt and looks at it with an evil grin, but behind him, Breslin is struggling to his feet. Scott Solomon turns around ready to take out Breslin with the belt, but Breslin is already charging Solomon. Solomon swings the belt at Breslin, but Leo ducks under it. Breslin kicks Solomon in the midsection, momentarily stunning him. Breslin hooks his hands in to Solomon's trunks and lifts him up and back to the mat with a snap suplex. Breslin immediately tries to roll the move in to an achilles tendon hold, but Scott Solomon pulls his legs up and snaps them back, kicking Breslin away.

 

Scott Solomon pulls himself to his feet, than grabs the stumbling Breslin's arm. Solomon turns and whips Leo towards the padded guards around the seats, but Breslin catches his feet on the ground. Breslin continues Solomon's momentum, whipping him over the barricade. Solomon trips up and over the barricade, falling in to the ringside seats.

 

Breslin hops over the barricade, after Solomon and begins to lay brutal boots in to Solomon. But Solomon catches Breslin's leg, and a strong push causes Breslin to stumble over a seat and fall. Solomon stumbles his way to a ramp and begins to head up the arena steps. Breslin follows, as both men are already feeling the effects of the match.

 

Scott Solomon starts to run up to the top of the steps, which encourages Breslin to quickly follow after. At the top of the steps, Solomon catches his foot, pivots, and heads back down the steps right toward Breslin. Solomon lowers his head and shoulder right in to a colision with Breslin! The spear sends Breslin sprawling down several rows, before crashing down near row four. Scott Solomon grins evilly as he starts down towards Breslin.

 

Axis: That may have been what Solomon needed to win this match, King. I'm repulsed by Solomon's utter lack of remorse, King.

 

King: He knows exactly what he's doing, Axis. He will break Breslin if need be. You take away the rules around a man like Solomon and you're guaranteed to see a human at his absolute worst.

 

Scott Solomon bends over to pick Breslin up from the floor, but Breslin brings his arm up in to Solomon's crotch. The low blow causes Solomon to stagger away, which gives Breslin time to find his feet again. Solomon stumbles back around, and Breslin catches him. Placing Scott's head under his shoulder, Breslin drops down and drives Solomon head first in to the ground. The D. D. T. leaves both men on the floor.

 

Axis: Desperation move by Breslin. He's bought himself some time, King.

 

King: Only a little bit, Axis. Only a little bit.

 

Leo Breslin stumbles back to his feet and reaches down to pull Scott Solomon to his feet. Breslin locks a waist lock on to Solomon who responds by spitting in Breslin's face. Breslin is shocked and stops to wipe the spit off. Solomon promptly brings his knees up in to Breslin's groin. Breslin stumbles forward. Solomon grabs Breslin's arm and whips him back over the barricade to ring side. Solomon then folds up the nearest chair and climbs back over the barricade himself.

 

Axis: Bah GAWD! How much more can Solomon do?

 

King: I think he's trying to teach the bookers to not put him in no DQ matches here, Axis.

 

Axis: He's as bad as bloody Crow! Who will be joining us later tonight!

 

King: Never miss a chance for a plug do you, Axis?

 

Breslin is slowly pulling himself to his feet when Solomon brings the chair down across his back. Breslin drops back to the floor, breathing hard. Scott Solomon brings the chair down on his back again for good measure. The sick grin returns.

 

Axis: Scott Solomon isn't an Arsenal, he's an animal!

 

King: Ain't it grand!

 

Scott Solomon unfolds the chair, then positions Breslin's arm over the bar in the chair. Solomon than folds it up, locking the chair around Breslin's arm. Scott Solomon laughs, than stomps his leg down across the chair, crushing Breslin's arm in the middle.

 

Leo Breslin screams at the pain.

 

Axis: Dammit! Someone stop this! Scott Solomon is going to break Leo Breslin's arm!

 

King: He's definitely trying, Axis. Let's see if he succeeds!

 

Scott Solomon pulls the chair off of Breslin's arm, than wraps his leg over it. He twists the arm in to an armbar, than drives his knee down and in to Breslin's back as he stretches him.

 

Axis: BAH GAWD! The damn Disarmament! The Disarmament to a arm that could very well be broken!

 

King: Wow, Solomon may actually Disarm Breslin! Now I get the move's name!

 

Leo Breslin tries to struggle but the pain is just too much. He has no where to go, no one to help, no way to save himself but to...

 

TAP TAP TAP!

 

Sexton Hardcastle calls for the bell as Breslin submits! Solomon twists Breslin's arm just a little harder before letting it go to receive his new title belt.

 

FUNYON: The winner of this match by submission and the new S. J. L. European Champion, "The Arsenal", Scott SOLOMON!

 

Scott Solomon proudly holds the title belt above his head as "My Way" plays.

 

Axis: That bastard Scott Solomon is the new European champion.

 

King: He did it by the most heinous and dastarly ways possible too, Axis. He should be a great champ.

 

Axis: You're a sick man, King.

 

King: Thanks.

 

Scott Solomon lowers his arms as Breslin slowly starts to pull himself up. Solomon brings the title belt down and across Breslin's head, sending Leo crashing back to the floor. Solomon grins as he heads back up the ramp out of the arena.

 

Axis: Well, King, if that wasn't bad enough, we're getting set up for a special challenge match next. You're going to have to see it to believe it....

 

King: It probably won't be Solomon good, but hey, I can't wait!

 

Solomon stops at the empty entrance ramp and raises the belt again as we fade away from the Gund Arena.

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Fade in on the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome, where fans are surrounding the ring, which has been placed with the epicenter being above the pitching mound. The fans are pumped as the camera swings around, running along the new ropes for this match: Barbed wire.

 

Axis: "As you folks can probably guess, the time has come for the no ropes, barbed wire match between Spike Jenkins and John Duran."

 

King: "Both of these man have a history in hardcore matches! Duran was in a hardcore match with Tim Dillon not too long ago, and Spike has been involved in various matches, including an INFERNO match recently against Manson."

 

Axis: "That's right. However, just looking at this barbed wire worries me, King. I hope we don't see anything like this again after tonight, because I have a feeling one of these two will not be leaving the HHH-Dome tonight."

 

King: "Don't forget the X factor here. Mike Van Siclen is making a special cameo as a guest referee for this match, and it's hard to say what he'll be up to in a match like this."

 

Axis: "So, who's your pick?"

 

King: "Duran's got this one wrapped up, Axis. Ain't no doubt about it, Duran will be bringing the strength into this match, and he'll be chucking Spike into the barbed wire like a lawn dart."

 

Axis: "We've got paramedics backstage just in case something like that happens, King. I really hope nothing does, though. These men are risking their bodies tonight."

 

Without delay, the camera swings over to Funyon, who isn't far from the announcing position. Funyon doesn't seem too excited about the prospect of going to the ring, as he's standing by the timekeeper's table for the introductions.

 

Funyon: "Ladies and gentlemen, this next match is a no-ropes, barbed wire match scheduled for ONE FALLLLLL!"

 

Cheers from the crowd.

 

The stadium is silent for a moment before the cymbals ring out distinctly over the PA system.

 

TING!

TING!

TING!

TING!

 

The quick guitar riff leads into "Damage Done" by Dark Tranquility as blue strobe lights flash in time with the music. Mike Van Siclen emerges from the home dugout, wearing a referee shirt under his acid-green jacket as he extends his arms into a bent crucifix. Siclen spins around and then begins a cocky walk down the turf aisle.

 

Funyon: "Introducing first, the referee for this match...MIKE VAN SICLENNNNNNNNNN!"

 

Mike doesn't slide into the ring, but circles the ring, going over to the timekeeper's table and tossing his jacket off to Funyon and then cautiously rolling into the ring to avoid getting caught in the barbed wire. Siclen rises to his feet, extending his arms once again to a good response from the Minnesota crowd.

 

Axis: "I must say, it's nice to see Mike back in an SJL ring, even if it's surrounded by barbed wire."

 

King: "It'd be a shame to see him go into that barbed wire. No, really."

 

Axis: "It's hard to be serious when you're grinning like that, isn't it?"

 

Mike stands in a corner, careful not to touch the barbed wire, waiting for the competitors in this match to make their entrance.

 

"Revolution Revolucion" by Ill Nino plays as Spike walks out of the home dugout, wearing his black tank top underneath his leather jacket.

 

Funyon: "Introducing first, from Hollywood, California, weighing in at two hundred and twenty pounds...HOLLYWOOD SPIKE JENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNKINS!"

 

He too sheds his jacket, handing it to Funyon as the mixed reaction continues, Spike entering the ring in the same fashion as Van Siclen, rolling under the bottom piece of barbed wire carefully and rising to his feet, waiting for Duran.

 

"Sinner" by Drowning Pool blares over the PA, and the crowd immediately begins to boo John Duran as he enters from the away dugout, sporting a Chicago White Sox jersey in place of his usual black "SIN TO WIN" t-shirt. "The Sinner" gets plenty of boos as he approaches the ring, carrying a trashcan.

 

Funyon: "And his opponent, from Champaign, Illinois and weighing in at two hundred and sixty-five pounds, JOHN DURAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

 

Axis: "Remember, for those of you at home, that Duran has a restraining order placed on him and that he will not be able to get within 500 feet of Charlie Matthews tonight. However, we might not have to worry about that, since Spike could take out Duran right here."

 

King: "Axis, if he has what I think he has in that trash can, I wouldn't be worried about Duran losing."

 

A well-placed camera angle gets a shot of what Duran has inside the trashcan. Light tubes stick out, but the rest is hard to see. Duran approaches the ring, rolling the trashcan under the ring and then yelling at Van Siclen to raise the bottom rope for him so he can get in.

 

Axis: "Can you believe the nerve of John here? He wants Mike to raise the bottom rung of barbed wire!"

 

Van Siclen glares at Duran for a moment, before John finally gets up on the apron and carefully steps through the barbed wire, getting a barb caught on his tights but quickly shaking it off as he enters the ring. "The Sinner" sets his trashcan full of "goodies" upright before moving towards the center of the ring to meet Spike. They both have a quick staredown as Van Siclen calls for the bell.

 

DING DING DING

 

The rings echo through the stadium as Spike immediately attempts to throw a right hand at Duran's noggin. John blocks the blow, however, and quickly moves in, planting a knee into the gut of Spike and doubling him over. Duran quickly grabs Jenkins' left arm and attempts to throw him into the ropes. The crowd rises to their feet, knowing that there is no such thing as an Irish whip in this match, as Spike suddenly reverses the momentum to the delight of the crowd. Duran seems poised to get a body full of barbs, but puts the brakes on at the last second, coming short of the barbed wire. John turns around and wags a finger in Spike's face, as if to say "Nuh uh."

 

Axis: "Duran lucked out there, a few more feet and he would've nailed that barbed wire!"

 

John comes after Spike again, and Jenkins attempts to put a boot into Duran's midsection, but "The Sinner" blocks this attempt. Duran spins Spike around and then catches him with a kick of his own, placing Spike in a front facelock. Duran drops to the mat and plants Spike's head into the mat with a DDT. John quickly moves over to his trash can, reaching in and removing a light tube to the delight of some of the fans and to the dislike of the others. Duran goes over to "Hollywood", placing the light tube on Spike's body.

 

King: "What is Duran going to do here?"

 

Axis: "I don't know, but I don't like it..."

 

Duran suddenly leaps into the air, extending his leg out and bringing it down quickly onto the light tube.

 

CRUNCH

OOH!

 

The light tube shatters over Spike's chest, as Duran rolls off Jenkins holding his leg in pain.

 

Axis: "I don't think that was very smart at all there. Did John realize he'd damage himself doing a move like that?"

 

King: "He doesn't care, Axis. He just wants the win."

 

Duran covers Spike, pressing the remaining glass into Spike's body as Van Siclen swings around to count the pinfall.

 

ONE...

 

 

KICKOUT!

 

Spike seemed anxious to get out of the lateral press, quickly getting to his feet and brushing the glass from his chest. Duran gets to his feet as well as Spike charges. Duran is waiting for him, however, and grabs Spike, swinging around and dropping Jenkins into a few leftover shards of glass with a powerslam. Duran wastes no time in bringing "Hollywood" back to his feet, neglecting the pin and going to whip Spike into the barbed wire once again. It doesn't work once again, and this time the momentum is too much as Duran's back slams into the barbed wire, open-mouthed in pain as he grunts out in pain.

 

Axis: "Imagine those barbs going into the back of Duran right now! How can he take it?"

 

Spike goes over to the trash can and pulls out yet another light tube as Duran removes himself from the barbed wire ropes. John is blinded with rage, and doesn't see the tube until it is too late.

 

CRASH

OHHHH!

 

Duran takes the tube shot on the head, slumping to the ground like a sack of potatoes after the shot.

 

Axis: "Spike gets his revenge!"

 

King: "No!"

 

"The Sinner" holds his face in sheer pain as he lies face down on the mat, Spike taking control of the match. Jenkins, meanwhile takes the trash can and carefully spills its contents out in the ring. The crowd focuses on the weapons, cheering at the sight of some of them. More light tubes, a baseball bat, a steel rod and...

 

Axis: "BOLT CUTTERS?!"

 

King: "This match just went from good to GREAT!"

 

Spike goes on offense, waiting for Duran to get to his feet. John gets to one knee and Spike charges, leaping off the raised knee of Duran and sailing through the air, extending his leg as it connects with the back of John's head. Duran goes down to the mat again face first, and "The Sinner" lifts his head slightly, revealing a slight red patch in the ring.

 

Axis: "Just like that, we've got a bleeder!"

 

King: "That's what these fans want! They want the blood! They expect it!"

 

As Spike grabs Duran's head to bring him up, the blood seems to be streaming down Duran's face, and some of the crowd gasps. Jenkins continues, putting John in an inverted facelock and quickly dropping back down to the mat with a reverse DDT. Spike quickly gets to his feet, grabbing Duran's legs and shifting his weight over, putting Duran in The Smoke Out. However, Duran counters by shifting his weight to his legs and shoving "Hollywood" off. Unfortunately, Spike can't stop himself from going into the barbed wire, catching some barbs in his torso. Duran slowly gets to his feet, and Spike does not seem happy, tapping his leg to signify that he's likely going for the Last Dance.

 

Axis: "Spike looks like he wants to put this match to an end quickly, and I don't blame him!"

 

King: "Not gonna happen. Duran is way too angry to let this win slip through his fingers now."

 

Duran rises to his feet, groggy, face covered in blood as Spike shuffles his feet and kicks his left leg up to connect under Duran's chin. John ducks, seemingly out of instinct, and Van Siclen, who was walking across to get a better look at the action, gets nailed with the Last Dance instead, staggering MVS to the other side of the ring. Van Siclen doesn't seem too pleased with this, and Jenkins is distracted for a moment, allowing John to grasp the next-to-last light tube from the mat. Duran gets to his feet, and the crowd attempts to warn Jenkins, but it's for naught as John spins Spike around and clocks him with the light tube, busting it over the head of "Hollywood" and sending him to the mat. Duran goes over to his sprayed out goodies, grabbing the bolt cutters.

 

Axis: "What is Duran going to do with those bolt cutters? Is he going to bury them into Spike's skull?"

 

King: "Is he going to cut Spike's hair?!?!"

 

Axis: "..."

 

"The Sinner" doesn't do either thing, but instead goes over to the barbed wire and cuts the top portion off! The crowd gives a mixed reaction as Duran pretty much destroys the ring!

 

Axis: "Of course! He's cutting the barbed wire off...but why?"

 

Duran cuts the other 2 rings of barbed wire surrounding the ring, as Spike gets to his feet. John turns around just in time to spot, Jenkins, however, clutching a hand around Spike's throat and stepping to Spike's left side before lifting "Hollywood" up and chokeslamming him down, not even realizing that Spike got the chokeslam on the last remaining light tube.

 

OOH!

 

The shards of glass drive up into Spike's body as the light tube shatters, who also appears to be bleeding, but not quite to the magnitude of Duran, who is sporting a crimson mask at this point. However, Duran goes to the outside, which is quite padded to make up for the hard Astroturf, going under the ring and pulling out a table, setting it up on the outside. Duran also reaches under the ring and gets big cheers as he pulls out a ladder, but neglects to set that up. John looks for a third item, pulling out a chair as Spike gets to his feet once again, battered and bloody but still going as he runs, sliding down and nailing Duran right in the face with a baseball slide. John crashes into the protective guardrail and slumps down to the mat on the outside, as Spike reaches the outside and goes to set the ladder up.

 

Axis: "...NOW WHAT?"

 

Spike begins to scale the ladder, careful not to fall. Duran is stirring below, reaching for the chair, unbeknownst to Spike. The crowd cheers and rises to their feet as Spike rises as well, going high up into the air. Jenkins seems ready to leap onto Duran, but "The Sinner" suddenly snaps to life, chucking the chair at Spike with the force of a Randy Johnson fastball.

 

CRACK

 

Spike attempts to get his hands up in time, but it doesn't work as the chair connects with Spike. "Hollywood" gets knocked onto his ass, sitting down on the top rung of the ladder with such force that the unsteady object begins to sway slightly.

 

OOH!

 

For some reason, however, Duran prevents the ladder from falling over, getting up and steadying it with his hands. Spike is out on the top of the ladder as Duran gathers some of the barbed wire carefully, wrapping it into a slightly deformed ball and placing it on the table. John gathers another round of barbed wire, placing that on the table as well, the crowd curious to see what "The Sinner" will do next.

 

King: "This is going to be great! He's going to kill Spike!"

 

Axis: "No, that's not good! Duran needs to rethink what he's about to do, he's putting a man's life on the line!"

 

King: "Don't you remember what he said in his first appearance? He'll become number one by ANY means necessary!"

 

Axis: "This is too much though, damnit!"

 

Duran begins to climb the side of the ladder nearest the table, carefully going up rung by rung, the crowd buzzing louder and louder, as Duran turns to face the box seats behind home plate, turning away from Spike as they are almost back to back on the ladder. However, Duran reaches his arms up and puts Spike's in a crucifix position. Some of the crowd moans, and they know what's coming next.

 

Axis: "...NO! He can't be..."

 

King: "He is! He's going to do it!"

 

Spike's body is slightly lifted off the ladder as Duran steps up a rung before tossing Spike up into the air and catching him, keeping Spike steady. "Hollywood" almost slides off Duran's shoulders, but "The Sinner" keeps him steady, lifting his torso up parallel to the ground before leaping off the ladder, kicking it out from under him as the ladder goes falling to the ground, along with Duran and Spike.

 

CRUNCH!

OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

The crowd explodes into cheers and immediately starts a chant of "HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!" as Duran nails the Ultimate Sin on Spike through the barbed wire and the table.

 

Axis: "OH MY GOD!"

 

King: "IT'S ALL OVER! SPIKE IS DEAD! SPIKE IS DEAD!"

 

Duran stretches his legs out, covering Spike's shoulders as Van Siclen falls to the mat to count the pinfall.

 

ONE...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

"Sinner" cues up, and the crowd is stunned into shock from that last move. Van Siclen raises the arm of Duran, but John does not raise himself.

 

Funyon: "Here is your winner via pinfall, JOHN DURAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

 

Duran shucks Jenkins' legs off of him and slowly rises to his feet, tending to his lower back and tailbone as he turns to walk back towards the away dugout, bleeding profusely, so bad that a portion of white on the White Sox uniform has been stained. Van Siclen calls for help as Spike lays on the outside, out cold, bleeding badly himself.

 

Axis: "Both of these man put it all out on the line, and it was relatively short because of that, folks. I've never seen anything more sick than this. Duran and Spike are bloody, John might've broken his god damn tailbone. I just can't believe this all went down in such a short amount of time."

 

King: "The thing is that Duran is the winner tonight, and now he can start that long winning streak that he's always waited for!"

 

Axis: "I think some paramedics might want to help out Duran, though. We gave the outside of the ring extra padding, but a move like that...good lord. Nothing can protect your tailbone from a fall like that. And Spike, poor poor Spike."

 

Two teams of paramedics rush out from the dugouts, one going for Spike and the other tending to Duran as Duran is helped off the field.

 

Axis: "This is hard to watch, folks, but the show must go on. Our ring crew is on the way out to clear the field, and soon, we will have our main event for the SJL World Title. Here's a look at what to expect in this main event between Aecas and Charlie Matthews."

 

The camera pans over to Jenkins, who is a bloody mess as paramedics suddenly surround him with a stretcher on the way.

 

Axis (offscreen): "Jesus Christ..."

 

Fade to video clips for the main event.

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Guest Thoth

The fans have seen it all tonight. Ladders, cars, blood, barbed wire, malls, Cutthroat, and the youngest wrestler to ever step foot inside of a wrestling ring. The fans have seen the greatest extravaganza of wrestling and entertainment to ever grace the SJL. They have seen…

 

 

WRATHAPALOOZA II

 

The fifty five THOUSAND fans in the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome of Minneapolis, Minnesota EXPLODE back to life as we return from a commercial break. Lights flash all around the arena, as the camera showcases signs such as “Spike is Dead – Mission Accomplished!” “FEAR THE EXECUTIONER” and “G-R-A-P-P-L-E-R” Finally, they all turn their attention to the SmarkTron, which flickers to life as a screen is shows Aecas staring morbidly ahead, and then switches to Grappler, warming up his arms with the SJL Championship over his shoulder. Underneath the picture, the words “AECAS vs. CHARLIE MATTHEWS – STADIUM STREET FIGHT” scroll across the screen, and the crowd lets out a huge roar. The camera pans back to the field to show the ring crew putting the finishing touches on moving the squared circle off the field, before going to skybox, where our commentators, Axis and Suicide King sit.

 

“Fans, welcome back to the one and only SJL Wrathapalooza!” welcomes Axis warmly, ignoring the effects of the wet t-shirt contest from earlier in the evening, “and it’s time for the main event everyone has been looking forward to since it was announced!”

 

“For once, Axis, you’re right,” shoots Suicide King, in almost an uncaring tone, “Aecas is challenging the nearly unstoppable Charlie Matthews for the SJL World Heavyweight Championship in a no ring, stadium street fight. Of course, I couldn’t really care less about the participants, but the stipulation itself will be great to see these two murder each other.”

 

“Of course, there are two HUGE X-factors in this match,” adds Axis, “and those are none other than the Antichrist Superstar, Crow, and the Maori Badass, in the corners tonight of Grappler and Aecas, respectively. These two have had bad blood since they first fought, all the way up until Va’aiga finally wrestled the title away from Crow in their last SJL appearance. But tonight they’re back, and you’ve got to believe that they’ll add that extra ounce of special feeling to this match.”

 

With the ring is finally removed, Funyon stands on the pitcher’s mound ready to make the official announcement.

 

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS CONTEST, SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL, IS THE STADIUM STREET FIGHT FOR THE SJL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORLD!!!!!!!” Funyon waits for the initial pop to die down, and when it does, “Introducing, the participants!”

 

The lights dim down and the crowd begins to cheer, and once “Bring the Pain” by Method Man kicks in, the crowd cheers wildly as the Maori Badass, Va’aiga, emerges from the entryway (dugout). He shadowboxes a few times and raises his arms up to the fans with the Hardcore Title on his left shoulder and the Tag Team Title on his right shoulder as he approaches the diamond.

 

“From Rotorua, Aotearoa, New Zealand, this is the former SJL World Heavyweight Champion and current SWF Hardcore Gamers’ Champion AND ONE HALF OF THE NEW SWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, THIS IS VA’AIGA!!”

 

The Maori Badass reaches the infield and stands there, waiting for the man he’s supporting tonight…and the lights go out.

 

*GONG*

 

“Are you scared?

 

 

 

…he’s here…”

 

“Arrival of Satan’s Empire” blares over the Metrodome and the crowd cheers madly as thick smoke shrouds the entrance area. Finally, the Dark Angel himself emerges from the smog with a psychotic grin on his face as the fans continue to cheer.

 

“Introducing first, the challenger! Hailing from Shrewsbury, England, and weighing in at 315 pounds, he is the Black Angel…HE IS AAAAAAAECAAAAASSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Solemnly, Aecas trudges towards the infield of the baseball diamond, suddenly indifferent to the fifty-five thousand fans surrounding him. He sides next to his quasi-partner for the evening, Va’aiga, and waits for his opponent.

 

*POPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOP~!*

 

Machine-gun like pyro begins to rain from the rooftop of the Metrodome as Soilwork’s “Natural Born Chaos” blasts across the speakers and the crowd lets out a unanimous roar!

 

Wait For Chaos!

 

Wait for Welfare!

 

At this Point of No Return!

 

Bleed for Money!

 

Bleed for Justice!

 

Going Straight to Hell with a Wounded Soul!

 

Out of the entryway march surprisingly, BOTH the Antichristian Phenomenon and the SJL Heavyweight Champion! Both men outstretch their arms in a crucifix position, Charlie with the SJL Championship around his waist and Crow with a lit cigarette in his mouth. The two then continue walking to the ring as the crowd goes absolutely wild.

 

“INTRODUCING NEXT, THE CHAMPION! Being accompanied to the ring by the former SJL Heavyweight Champion and Antichrist Superstar, Crow, weighing in at 299 pounds, this is THE SJL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WOOOOOOOOORLD, THIS IS CHAAAAAAARLIE “GRAPPLER” MAAAAAAAAATTHEWSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

The two men finally reach the inside of the baseball diamond, as Va’aiga looks like he’s ready to tear into his nemesis, Crow. Referee Nick Soapdish holds them apart, however, taking the SJL Championship from Grappler and hoisting it into the air for all to see, before finally calling for the bell!

 

*DING DING DING*

 

“And we’re on!” says Axis, “The last time these two met was for the SJL European Championship, an encounter that Grappler won. However, with Va’aiga and Crow in the mix, things could get very unpredictable.”

 

“And don’t forget,” adds Suicide King, “about- hey! They’ve already started!”

 

The camera quickly cuts back to the diamond, as Va’aiga charges at Crow with his shoulder lowered, tackling the Antichristian Phenomenon to the turf and swinging wildly with punches! Helping his partner early on, Matthews turns his attention away from Aecas for a split second to drive his boot into the head of the Maori Badass, enough to allow Crow to escape the mount position. However, that split second is just the opening the challenger needs, as he blindsides Grappler with a clubbing blow to the side of the head. With the Champion doubled over, Aecas ducks under his arm and lifts him up for a Northern Lights suplex…no! Grappler keeps his weight down, before wrenching in a front facelock on the challenger! Meanwhile, Crow meets Va’aiga with a stiff boot to the gut, before snapping in a front facelock of his own. Crow and Charlie turn to nod at each other, and Charlie grab the tights of Aecas, hoisting him into the air upside down, falling back sending him to the hard turf, as Crow simply shoots his weight backward and brings Va’aiga down head-first to the field with a DDT.

 

“Good teamwork by the Championship team early on,” adds Axis, “and you can bet we’ll see quite a lot of that during this match.”

 

“I just can’t see this match lasting too long,” says King, with interest in his voice, “I mean, they’re landing on TURF. Tell me that can’t hurt, especially if you’re slammed on it multiple times.”

 

Va’aiga rolls around the field, holding his head from the DDT, but the two get to their feet at roughly the same time, and begin trading punches just outside the first baseline. Va’aiga, however, lifts his knee right into the midsection of Crow, doubling him over and sending a clubbing blow to his back. Meanwhile, still inside of the baseball diamond, Charlie Matthews has Aecas up, and picks him up onto his shoulders in a fireman’s carry. As he seemingly attempts the Gut Check, Aecas swings his legs behind Grappler and drops out of it, and then ducks under his arm and hoists him up in the air, Grappler’s head pointing at the turf diagonally, and then drops him down hard right onto the pitcher’s mound! While this is occurring, Va’aiga grabs the doubled-over Crow by the head and charges towards the crowd, sending the Antichristian Phenomenon head-first into the protective wall, causing him to bounce back to a waiting Maori, who charges at Crow once again and lowers his shoulder right into Crow’s back, tackling him back into the same wall with huge impact!

 

“Good lord!” screams Axis, “how good of an idea was it to have Crow and Va’aiga in this match? They may never be able to compete again in the SWF!”

 

“Eh,” says King, nonchalantly, “no big loss there.”

 

Aecas grabs the fallen Matthews, now with clay on his back, to home plate, and he then puts his head between his legs and makes the international sign for a piledriver, right onto home plate! He wraps his arms around Charlie and lifts him up…NO! Grappler prevents this and stands up, sending the 315 pound Aecas flipping over right back into the turf with a big back body drop! While Aecas is on the turf hurt, Va’aiga goes back to the infield to retrieve the Hardcore Gamers’ Championship belt he left there, and seizing the opportunity, Crow sneaks into the dugout, waiting for the Maori. When Va’aiga turns around, he hustles back to where he left the Bird, audibly shouting “Where the hell is he?!” Some fans directly over the dugout point down, so Va’aiga carefully ducks his head in…only to be met by Crow swinging a baseball bat with all his might right at the Maori’s head!

 

*CRAAAAAAAAAACK!*

 

The bat completely breaks in half after meeting the hard skull, and Crow throws the remnants onto the field.

 

“Wait a minute,” says Axis, suspiciously, “…is that bat what I think it is?”

 

“A CORKED BAT!” shouts Suicide King, “DISQUALIFY THEM OR SOMETHING! Crow just used a corked bat!”

 

The crowd laughs at the baseball inside joke, but Va’aiga ISN’T laughing, rolling around the field clutching his head. Having the advantage for the first time so far, the Antichrist Superstar backs up a little from Va’aiga and then runs forward, doing a front somersault and landing right on top of the Maori. Meanwhile, the camera shifts over to the actual Championship match, as Grappler has Aecas on his shoulders in a fireman’s carry again and begins spinning around wildly, the giant Minneapolis counting along with each rotation!

 

“ONE!”

 

”TWO!”

 

“THREE!”

 

“FOUR!”

 

”FIVE!”

 

”SIX!”

 

”SEVEN!”

 

Matthews then drops Aecas down on his face, before dropping to his knees and regaining his equilibrium. He shakes loose and picks Aecas up, before heading over with him to the security gate, connecting the field with the bleachers as the crowd’s decibel level rises, realizing that they’re going to see the Title match up close and personal! Charlie commands Soapdish to open the gate, which he does, and the two men begin walking up the stairs, into the sea of humanity! Aecas tries to fight back against Grappler with some punches, but Matthews shakes them off and hits Aecas hard in the jaw with an elbow strike, stunning him. He continues to drag the Black Angel up the stairs until they reach the top. Charlie then turns Aecas so that he’s facing the stairs, and he ducks under his arm, lifting him up in the air like a back suplex, except he brings Aecas back down, so he lands crotch-first on the stairs’ handrail in a modified atomic drop! Aecas’ cry of pain is drowned out by the men in the audience, who all feel the challenger’s pain. To add insult to injury, though, Grappler gives Aecas a strong shove on the back, causing him to begin sliding on the rail, crotch-first, all the way down the staircase! The crowd reaction grows larger for every second Aecas goes down, until finally he slides off the rail and smacks his face right into the fencing!

 

“Holy crap!” screams Axis, “what innovation there by Charlie Matthews! I can’t help but feel sorry for poor Aecas!”

 

“Innovation, sure,” adds King, “but we’ll never be able to see Aecas Junior…wait, that’s a good thing!”

 

During the crotch-filled excitement, Crow has Va’aiga right where he wants him on the field, as he brings him up and kicks his leg out right at the Maori’s head with the Das Wunder Kick…but Va’aiga grabs the leg, and kicks Crow’s other out from under him, sending him down to the turf! The Maori Badass takes a hold of both of Crow’s legs, and then falls backward, catapulting the Antichrist Superstar into the air, but the six-foot two wrestler is able to reach up while in the air and grab the top of the eight-foot safety barrier, pulling himself up and into the crowd! The crowd cheers in appreciation of Crow’s athleticism, but Va’aiga simply curses at him and hustles to the security gate where Aecas and Matthews made their entrance into the crowd. Crow rushes over to where Matthews is, now at the bottom of the stairs in front of the crowd. United again, and trying to sneak in a double-team before Va’aiga makes his way to their position, Crow and Grappler lock their hands together and run at the just-recovering Aecas, looking for a double clothesline…but Aecas ducks! The Black Angel nails the Antichrist Superstar with a right cross, and Matthews with a backhand! He repeats this process, and then nails Crow with the point of his elbow, taking him down, as Va’aiga charges out of the gate and clobbers Charlie in the back of the neck with a huge lariat! Aecas nods at his partner in this match before grabbing Charlie off the concrete as the up-close fans cheer him on. Aecas carries Grappler over to a stairwell which leads downstairs to a concessions area, and subdues him with punches as The Maori Badass heads over to Crow for some unfinished business. Va’aiga screams “Turn up, Kick ass!” to the fans who let out a roar, and then scoops the Antichristian Phenomenon up, holding him sideways, before running to the barricade and THROWING CROW OFF THE STANDS AND ONTO THE FIELD!!

 

“OH MY GOD!” screams Axis, “Va’aiga just hit Crow with a modified MAORI DROP off of the stands! The Antichrist Superstar may be seriously injured!”

 

“Not only could Crow be injured,” rebuts King, “but this can only spell doom for Charlie Matthews, because how the hell will he survive an onslaught from both Va’aiga and Aecas?”

 

The Minneapolis crowd begins a “Holy Shit!” chant for the Maori Badass, and he quickly acknowledges them and then heads over to Aecas. They both grab an arm of the SJL Champion, facing the stairwell, and then shove him forward, WHIPPING HIM DOWN THE STAIRWELL ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM!! Charlie lands with a loud “smack” on the concrete below, and he howls in pain as fans downstairs scatter around him. The crowd continues their “Holy Shit!” chant after this move, and Aecas drags referee Nick Soapdish down the stairs with him as he covers Grappler for the first pin in this match!

 

ONE!

 

 

 

TWO!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KICKOUT~!

 

“Yet ANOTHER unbelievable move!” chimes in Axis, “and Aecas, along with Va’aiga, is in the complete driver’s seat right now.”

 

“Not to mention,” says King, “that Crow is still down and hurt on the field. I don’t think he’ll be able to help Matthews any time soon.”

 

With the Maori Badass’ blessing, Aecas brings Charlie to his feet and stands behind on his left side, as Va’aiga takes his left. The two position him facing away from a wall, as they each grab an arm and sweep a leg back, giving Grappler a Side Maori Leg Sweep INTO THE WALL! Matthews slumps down into a sitting position against the wall, and Aecas backs up, before charging forward and driving his knee right into Grappler’s face, causing his head to bounce back against the wall! The Black Angel drags Matthews up to his feet yet again and holds his head, walking him around the concessions area, walking right past none other than SJL star KID COOLS, who happens to be MUNCH MUNCH MUNCHING ON A HOT DOG! The challenger sends the champion into a corridor and kicks a door open…revealing it to be the men’s room! Aecas throws Charlie’s head into the wall and he bounces back, as a feminine scream can be heard and a woman runs out of the room!

 

“THERE’S A LADY!” shouts Suicide King, “THERE’S A LADY IN THE MEN’S BATHROOM!”

 

Axis gets a chuckle out of this before saying, “And how! Aecas is completely destroying Charlie Matthews right now, with a big assist from the Maori Badass.”

 

Aecas drags the Champion out of the restroom and brings him back to the general area, where quite a number of fans have gathered around the two fighters. The Black Angel stands behind Charlie and grabs him in an inverted facelock, looking for a reverse brainbuster on the concrete, but Va’aiga taps him on the shoulder (forcefully, of course, because this *is* Va’aiga) and tells his partner to use a weapon instead. Aecas agrees, dropping Grappler to the ground, as Va’aiga calls to one of the bystanders for a weapon. He hands the weapon to Aecas, as the challenger looks at it to find…An Alex Zenon FOAM FINGER! Aecas looks at Va’aiga with disbelief, but then, with malice in his eye, begins bringing it down on Charlie Matthews with murderous intent!

 

*FWIP*

 

*FWIP*

 

*FWIP*

 

*FWIP*

 

“JESUS CHRIST!” screams Axis with concern ringing in his voice, “SOMEONE STOP THIS ONSLAUGHT!! SOMEONE STOP THE DAMN MATCH! HE’S TRYING TO KILL HIM!”

 

 

*FWIP*

 

*FWIP*

 

*FWIP*

 

*FWIP*

 

“My God,” says Suicide King, with almost a new respect for these two men, “Aecas is a MONSTER! Not to mention Charlie Matthews has the vitality of ten thousand bulls for withstanding this much punishment.”

 

The Maori Badass finally stops the pain and tells Aecas to continue on. The Black Angel throws the vicious finger down and picks Charlie up, and notices that he is now bleeding an ocean from his forehead. Aecas keeps Matthews on his knees and unleashes a rain of punches against the profusely bleeding forehead, and drags him up to his feet. This time, Aecas carries him down to the same corridor, and kicks open…The WOMEN’S ROOM! Aecas and Grappler head in, and before the camera can catch up, a gruff, yet feminine, voice is heard saying

 

“Oh, how silly, this color is *so* wrong! I mean ohmigawd! I’d never go out looking like this!”

 

The camera enters the room, and on one side, sees Aecas SLAMMING Grappler’s head into the wall with malice, and on the other side, sees a man in bell bottoms and a halter top…

 

“Wait a minute!” says Axis, all detective-like, “That’s…that’s…The Boston Strangler!!”

 

“And that,” adds Suicide King, “was the man challenging for the SWF Championship at SWF 13th Hour…”

 

TBS lets out a shriek after being discovered, and runs into a vacant stall, locking the door. The force of the stall door being slammed causes the walls of the bathroom to shake, which, in turn, makes the tampon dispenser explode, releasing dozens upon dozens of feminine products all over the restroom! Aecas trudges over to the mess and picks up a handful of tampons, before throwing them at the fallen Champion like daggers! Matthews begins to spasm, going into shock, it seems, nearly unconscious from this onslaught.

 

The Black Angel picks Charlie up and drags him out of the restroom, across the hall and into another door…leading to the kitchen! Various chefs and concession workers clear out of the way screaming bloody murder as Aecas grabs Matthews and hurtles him against a chip rack, causing dozens of bags of unhealthy goodness to shower over him. Aecas then disappears out of camera’s view for a second, and comes back…SMASHING THE FALLEN CHAMPION OVER THE HEAD WITH A COOKIE SHEET…THE COOKIES INTACT! However, instead of groaning in pain like he has for the past five minutes or so, Grappler pulls himself up, and with the blood soaking down his face, he stares at his opponent with new fire in his eyes, before shaking vigorously!

 

“YES!” shouts Axis, “it’s that adrenaline rush…Grappler is hulking up!”

 

He points his finger at Aecas (spectators: “YOU!”) and waggles his finger Aecas’ face, before grabbing his head and hitting some skull-crushing punches!

 

*BOOM*

 

“Hooo!”

 

*BOOM*

 

”Hooo!”

 

*BOOM*

 

”Hooo!”

 

With Aecas dazed, Matthews reaches over…grabbing a giant bag of popcorn! He swings with all of his might…

 

 

But Aecas ducks and the bag of popcorn hits the wall, exploding and sending kernels everywhere! Charlie spins around on the recoil…

 

TURNING RIGHT INTO A HARDCORE GAMERS’ CHAMPIONSHIP BELTSHOT FROM VA’AIGA!!

 

Grappler hits the tile floor hard, right into the popcorn! Matthews flails his arms and legs, making a popcorn angel before Aecas drags Nick Soapdish over and demands him to count the pin!

 

ONE!!!!

 

 

 

 

TWOOO!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREEEEEEEEEENOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Grappler shoots a shoulder free off of the ground, still showing signs of life despite the obvious disadvantages.

 

“Well, wherever Va’aiga was during the bathroom and kitchen brawl,” begins Axis, “he sure returned at the right time, bringing Grappler’s momentum to a halt.”

 

“Not only that,” adds King, “but I got word that Crow was, indeed, taken backstage for medical attention after taking that big Maori Drop from the stands to the field. Aecas definitely has the advantage now, no doubt.”

 

Aecas and Va’aiga both pick Charlie up and grab one of his arms, dragging him out of the kitchen and continue their stadium tour, as they find a flight of stairs going up, and they begin to climb up them. The camera loses sight of them, so another quickly cuts to Axis and King in their announcers’ skybox, playing portable backgammon. Noticing the camera, they quickly slide the game away and flash their TV smiles.

 

“Well, uh, what a match so far, eh King?”

 

“Yeah, it’s a jolly good romp! And it’s great, because now it’s a glorified handicap match!”

 

“While we’re waiting for our cameras to catch up to the fearsome threesome, let’s catch a replay of what exactly took Crow, seemingly, out of this match for good.”

 

*********SJL REPLAY*********

 

The Maori Badass heads over to Crow for some unfinished business. Va’aiga screams “Turn up, Kick ass!” to the fans who let out a roar, and then scoops the Antichristian Phenomenon up, holding him sideways, before running to the barricade and THROWING CROW OFF THE STANDS AND ONTO THE FIELD!!

 

“OH MY GOD!” screams Axis, “Va’aiga just hit Crow with a modified MAORI DROP off of the stands! The Antichrist Superstar may be seriously injured!”

 

“Not only could Crow be injured,” rebuts King, “but this can only spell doom for Charlie Matthews, because how the hell will he survive an onslaught from both Va’aiga and Aecas?”

 

*********SJL REPLAY*********

 

Immediately after the replay finishes, the announcers’ booth door BUSTS open as Aecas and Grappler enter the room, much to the shock of Axis and Suicide King! Seemingly, the challenger and his partner prepare for a double team, as Aecas stands in front of Charlie and Va’aiga stands behind him. However, summoning an extra ounce of energy, Matthews shoots his leg forward, punting Aecas square in the testicles, and with mule-like quickness, sends his leg backward, catching the Maori in his little Va’aigas!

 

“That’s it!” screams King, like a teenage boy ejaculating for the first time, “it’s the Galatea Special! Love, darling!”

 

With Aecas’ partner slumped over, Matthews sees an opportunity and shoves Va’aiga out of the door, slamming it shut and locking it to prevent interference!

 

*BANG* goes the door, as Va’aiga tries to break it open to help his partner.

 

*BANG*

 

*BANG*

 

The Champion notices Aecas with cartoon-esque birds chirping around his head, indicating his wooziness. Charlie then stands behind his opponent and laces one arm under his in a half nelson, before looking at Suicide King and saying, “This one’s for you!”

 

*BANG*

 

*BANG* goes the door, once again.

 

He then sweeps Aecas’ leg and falls forward, driving the Black Angel onto the ground with Suicide King’s signature Joker’s Wild!

 

“HEY! That’s not right!” shouts Suicide King angrily, almost in the face of Grappler, “I didn’t give you permission to use that!”

 

“Permission or not,” says Axis, “the Champion executes the first wrestling move in this match since they just arrived backstage, and he could get the pin!”

 

Grappler valiantly hooks a leg, and the fifty five thousand fans in the Metrodome count along whilst watching the SmarkTron, but nothing happens, as Grappler realizes when he locked Va’aiga out, he ALSO locked out Nick Soapdish! At that moment, however…

 

*BOOM*

 

*BOOM*

 

*EXPLOSION~!* Va’aiga destroys the door by running into it, and while it gets him inside the skybox, it also momentarily stuns him from the impact! Taking advantage of this, Charlie calls Soapdish over to make the count, and he does!

 

ONE!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

VA’AIGA BREAKS UP THE PIN!!!!!!!!

 

 

The Maori monster clubs the Champion in the back of the head thrice to weaken him, before setting up right on the announcers’ table. Grappler, however, tries to fight this by sending two elbow strikes to Va’aiga’s head, but the Maori shakes this off, backs up a bit…and charges forward, lifting his leg up, catching Matthews right in the face with a HUGE big boot that sends Grappler falling backward…THROUGH THE WINDOW IN FRONT OF THE ANNOUNCE TABLE!!!!!

 

“OH MY GOD!” shouts Axis, as every single Minnesotan watching Wrathapalooza begins a “Holy Shit!” at the sight, “GRAPPLER MAY BE DEAD!”

 

“Even worse!” begins King, distressed, “there’s glass in my beer!”

 

Matthews falls out of the booth, right onto a bleacher in the birds’-eye-view section in front of a biker family!

 

Biker Dad: “My beer!”

 

Biker Mom: “My girdle!”

 

Biker Son: “My Special Edition Chyna Playboy Magazine!”

 

Va’aiga and Aecas appear in the broken window, before lowering themselves down to the bleachers where Grappler lays, very hurt. Noticing the sadness in the family’s eyes, the Maori Softie climbs back up to the announce position while Aecas tries to choke the life out of the Champion. Va’aiga returns with a Special Edition Chyna Playboy Magazine, pulled from King’s cubby, and hands it to the Biker Son, patting him on the head before, with Aecas, bringing Grappler up to his feet. Once again, Va’aiga and Aecas stand on opposite sides of Grappler, as they stand at the top of the stairs leading to the bottom of the bleachers. They lace one of their arms under Charlie’s, and then flip him over, executing a DOUBLE HIPTOSS DOWN THE STAIRS…RIGHT ONTO A BEER TRAY!

 

“MY BEER!” screams King, concerned, “he just destroyed my supply!”

 

“I’m surprised,” begins Axis, with a grin, “that you’re not concerned about your Chyna Playboy being taken. What was that doing there, anyway?”

 

“…”

 

Grappler crashes on top of the tray of beer, as the liquid bread washes over his back and the plastic cups crumple under his weight. As the tray of beer was positioned at the halfway point of the staircase, Aecas walks down a bit and kicks Grappler’s side, sending him rolling down……down……and down the stairs, all the way to the bottom where he lands with a loud *THUD*. Aecas and Va’aiga march down the rest of the stairs, slapping some fans’ hands as they go, but Va’aiga is unceremoniously met with a…

 

*THUNK*

 

…as a baseball thrown by a fan connects with the back of his hard Maori head! The angry Va’aiga turns around…and sees none other than the Canadian Intelligence Agent, and former SWF Hardcore Gamers’ Champion, CIA! The former champion sniggers from his lofty perch in the crowd, but surprisingly, Va’aiga decides he can’t be bothered and continues down the stairs.

 

“It’s no surprise,” begins Axis, “that not only are SWF superstars in attendance tonight, but they don’t forget about past losses and grudges, as CIA just demonstrated!”

 

“Oh, come on!” says Suicide King, disappointed, “I wanted to see another Va’aiga/CIA brawl break out! I wanted to see some MORE pain and punishment!”

 

At the bottom of the stairs, Aecas and Va’aiga pick Matthews up and walk him over to the security gate, which they go through and return to the baseball field as the crowd lets out a roar to finally see live action again!

 

“And we’re back at square one. King, I think we’re finally safe here, for a while anyway.”

 

“Hey, as long as my framed picture of Galatea isn’t ruined, everything is peachy keen.”

 

They walk Matthews near the pitcher’s mound where it all started and shove him, causing the fatigued champion to collapse on the field. As Charlie tries to recover his senses, the Black Angel and the Maori Badass head to opposite sides of Grappler, with malicious intent in their eyes. As Grappler finally pulls himself up…Aecas charges towards his front with his shoulder lowered, and Va’aiga charges at his back. At the same time, Aecas leaps at Grappler’s midsection, GORING HIM AT THE SAME TIME AS VA’AIGA DIVES AT HIS LEGS, CHOP BLOCKING HIM, CAUSING GRAPPLER TO FOLD IN HALF AND CRUMPLE TO THE FIELD!!

 

“DEAR GOD!” screams Axis, “This is IT for Charlie Matthews! He just got utterly destroyed by that double team!”

 

“New champion,” adds King, “and no surprise, since there’s no one to get Grappler out of this.”

 

Va’aiga pulls Soapdish over to count as Aecas valiantly covers Grappler, with a “HOLY SHIT!” chant still fresh in the Minneapolis air.

 

ONE!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The crowd’s cheering suddenly grows even louder……louder still…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CROW BREAKS UP THE PIN WITH A BASEBALL BAT SHOT TO AECAS’ BACK!!!!! The crowd EXPLODES as the Antichrist Superstar returns, and meets Va’aiga by swinging the baseball bat square in his gut!

 

*THUMP*

 

With him doubled over, Crow nails him with a shot to the spine

 

*THWACK*

 

…and one more to the head, taking him down and out!

 

*CRUSH*

 

Aecas looks stunned from his attack, but he rises to his feet, and gets right into the FACE of Crow! The Antichristian Phenomenon tries to swing again, but Aecas ducks under the wood, and when Crow turns back around, Aecas swings his arm right under Crow’s jaw, taking him down with a hard clothesline! Aecas surveys the damage, and begins thinking to himself.

 

Crow is down.

 

Va’aiga is out.

 

Grappler is ready to be Executed.

 

With the crowd nearly at a fever pitch, an “Aecas” chant breaks out as he walks over to the Champion and brings him up, before putting his head between his legs. The crowd all stands on their feet and get their cameras ready, as the Black Angel hoists Charlie onto his shoulders in a sitting position, and then lets him drop, while holding onto his waist. With the Champion’s head exposed, Aecas turns to drop him, when…

 

 

 

*CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!*

 

Crow swings the baseball bat with all of his might against Aecas’ head!

 

 

“HOLY SHIT!” screams Axis, “Crow returns just in the nick of time, saving his partner from the inevitable loss by BREAKING a baseball bat over Aecas’ head!”

 

“Not to mention,” begins Suicide King, “that the bat WASN’T corked, meaning it was 100% WOOD that was smashed over the challenger’s head!”

 

The mighty Aecas falls right to his back from that blow, and with Charlie still in Executioner position, he falls right down on top of Aecas in a pinning predicament!

 

ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

TWOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! KICKOUT~!

 

 

Crow and Grappler grab the unconscious Va’aiga and Aecas, respectively, and drag them towards the dugout. The Antichrist Superstar then ducks into the dugout and out of camera’s view. The crowd murmurs in anticipation…as Crow returns with A LADDER~! He sets up the climbing device next to the dugout, and climbs up to the very top of the dugout, facing the fans. From his perch, about eight feet in the air, the Antichristian Phenomenon looks back, measuring up Va’aiga, before outstretching his arms to a loud ovation! In one fluid motion, Crow leaps off of the dugout and arches back, rotating two hundred and seventy degrees THROUGH THE AIR, LANDING ON TOP OF VA’AIGA WITH THE EVENFLOW MOONSAULT~!!!!

 

“Holy Shit!” screams Axis!

 

”Holy Shit!” screams Suicide King!

 

“Holy Shit!” chant the fifty five thousand fans!

 

Crow immediately rolls off the seemingly DEAD Va’aiga, as the camera shifts over to see Grappler stand Aecas up, before he backs up and charges forward, swinging his outstretched arm wildly and connecting right under Aecas’ jaw, DESTROYING him with the UP IN FLAMES LARIAT!! Aecas crumples to the field as Matthews valiantly covers his opponent and Soapdish counts:

 

ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

NO!! ……………………CROW PULLS GRAPPLER OFF OF AECAS?!

 

“What the hell?” asks Axis, but he gets no response as the arena grows nearly silent at this turn of events. Charlie gets off of Aecas and stares at Crow with shock, but the Antichrist Superstar backs up and tells him that his intentions are good. Crow then begins pointing to the dugout, where he just leapt off of, and then down at Aecas. The crowd, understanding what Crow means, begins a chant of

 

“Do it! Do it! Do it!”

 

However, Charlie, never the sharpest knife in the drawer, doesn’t quite understand. Audibly, so the camera can pick it up, Crow says

 

“I want YOU to MOONSAULT onto AECAS!”

 

The crowd EXPLODES at Crow’s words, but Grappler quickly shakes his head, loudly saying, “NO WAY.” However, the decibel level reaches a new height as the fans begin a GIGANTIC “Grappler!” chant. Matthews looks up at the dugout, at the fans, and then down at Aecas. He tells Crow to subdue Aecas, and he walks towards the ladder.

 

The ovation grows with every step.

 

The ovation grows with every rung climbed.

 

Matthews stands on the top of the dugout, facing the rabid crowd. However, as he looks back at Aecas, being choked by Crow to subdue him, he begins to have second thoughts.

 

But then he begins to think.

 

Fifty five thousand fans.

 

Minneapolis, Minnesota.

 

The SJL World Heavyweight Championship.

 

This is my destiny.

 

This…

 

 

THIS is Wrathapalooza.

 

Here goes nothing.

 

With that, Grappler crosses himself and then, using his leg strength, pushes off of the dugout, vaulting back through the air

 

All

 

The

 

Way

 

 

 

DOWN, RIGHT ON TOP OF AECAS, CRUSHING HIM WITH A MOONSAULT!!!!!!!!

 

“HOLY SHIT!”

 

“HOLY SHIT!”

 

“HOLY SHIT”!

 

“OH MY GOD!!!!” begins Axis, “I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!”

 

“I have NEVER,” says Suicide King, “EVER seen ANYTHING like that before in my LIFE! I just witnessed a 300 pound man execute a MOONSAULT from EIGHT FEET IN THE AIR!”

 

Matthews rolls off of Aecas in pain, but with the help of Crow, throws an arm on top of the unmoving Black Angel, as Nick Soapdish, shocked himself, drops down to count the pin with every single fan in the Metrodome counting along!

 

ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

T

H

R

E

E

E

E

E

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

*DING DING DING*

 

“He did it!” shouts Axis, “Charlie Matthews has retained the World Heavyweight Championship at Wrathapalooza!”

 

Funyon walks onto the field to make the official announcement, but the crowd nearly drowns him out as he begins.

 

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE WINNER OF THIS CONTEST, AND STIIIIIIIIIIIIL ESSSSSS JAAAAAAY ELLLLLLLLL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WOOOOOOOOORRRLD, CHARLIE “GRAPPLER” MAAAAAAAAAATTHEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Charlie rolls onto his back, exhausted in victory as Crow walks over to him and helps him up off of the field. “Natural Born Chaos” begins to play across the Metrodome and the fans give a warm standing ovation. Soapdish hands Grappler the World Championship belt and he holds it high above his head, acknowledging all the fans cheering for him. Slowly but surely, Va’aiga rises to his feet. He walks over to the winning duo and spins them around, and they look ready to fight once again.

 

Va’aiga extends his hands to the Champion and to Crow.

 

 

They’re accepted. For tonight.

 

Grappler then walks over to the still fallen Aecas, and then grabs him by the hand, pulling him up to his feet. The two embrace in a MANLY~ hug, and then hold each other’s arms in the air the Minneapolis crowd gives them another standing ovation.

 

“What a moment!” says Axis, “And what a night! Ladies and gentlemen, we-“

 

“WHAT THE HELL!?” begins Suicide King, as the camera pans back to the field…to see DOMINIC KORGATH swinging his iron staff…RIGHT INTO THE BACK OF THE HEAD OF CROW!

 

*THWACK*

 

The Antichrist Superstar slumps to the ground, as the other three men turn around to see what just happened!

 

**DOUBLE BOOM!!!!!!!~!**

 

As Va’aiga and Aecas try to advance at Korgath, they’re blindsided as ENGLISH DRAGON and SCOTT SOLOMON slam Va’aiga and Aecas in the side of the head, respectively, using CINDER BLOCKS!!

 

“Holy Shit!”

 

”Holy Shit!”

 

Va’aiga and Aecas simply crumple to the ground from the explosion of the cinder blocks against their heads. Grappler is now fully aware of what’s going on, but as he drops his belt and clenches his fists, ready to fight, the three men surround him, slowly inching closer. The crowd begins a loud “Grappler!” chant, and without further ado…

 

“He’s cornered, three-on-one!” says Suicide King, gleefully, “There is NO WAY he can fight these odds!”

 

“But,” shoots in Axis, “WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!”

 

With cat-like quickness, Matthews charges forward, sending a stinging right cross into the face of English Dragon, taking him down! Solomon runs at him but eats a back fist, and Korgath is hit with a kick to the midsection. The buzz in the Metrodome grows louder, as Grappler turns around…

 

*BOOM*

 

…into a sledgehammer swing to the face, dropping him to the field, out cold. The other three men rise to their feet and gather around the fallen Grappler, as the man with the sledgehammer makes his face visible to the camera for the first time.

 

 

 

 

JOHN DURAN.

 

 

 

“Oh my God,” begins Axis, “…this can’t be.”

 

 

The Sinner stares down at the fallen Champion, no emotion in his eyes. The four men gather together, surveying the damage they’ve done.

 

“What is the purpose,” continues Axis, “of this onslaught?! What do these four men have in common?!”

 

“Who cares?” asks Suicide King, “look at the carnage they’ve caused! They just took out two top SJL superstars, not to mention two SWF wrestlers! These guys are a force to be reckoned with!”

 

The fifty five thousand Minneapolis fans begin throwing garbage onto the field, trying to hit any of the four superstars with full cups, food, and balls.

 

“Well, whoever they are,” says Axis, “it’s a shame they had to put a damper on quite possibly the most fun, entertaining SJL show of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, Wrathapalooza II was full of fun, surprises, twists, and unique wrestling. Thank you all for letting us into your living rooms. For Suicide King, I’m Axis, good night. DAMN YOU, John Duran.”

 

Solomon, Dragon, Korgath, and the Sinner begin walking to the back, but John Duran turns around one more time, mouthing two words to Grappler, Aecas, and everyone watching Wrathapalooza around the world.

 

URBAN

 

 

DECAY

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

© 2003 Smarks Junior League

All Rights Reserved.

 

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