Some fickle SmackDown bitching (July 18)

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

For those who remember the Raw dealie this week, basically I miss out on "one and only" threads for SD because I live on the West Coast, so here's my improv thoughts watching this show:

 

*Vince talks. Blah blah blah. Interruption by Donkey Kong. I don't want to see this hyped up match, thanks. Austin always looked like the perfect opposite for McMahon with his drawl and leather vests and obsession with "whipping asses", but DK is just a big smilin' country boy with muscles bigger than his head. I think McMahon vs Young Guy will die after this Gowen match though.

 

*Benoit/Hardy match. Best Benoit match in a looong time. He'd been slipping in the past few months, but it seems he finally got a fire lit under his ass again. Benoit wins, which makes me happy because I know Eddy will win his match and we'll have a good match at the PPV. It also makes me sad because I know we're probably going to have a Canadian as the first U.S. Title Champ.

 

*Anna, Anna, Fabulous Anna, Anna Nicole plows into Vince's office looking for a fight but SORRY STEPHANIE, YOUR SKANK IS IN ANOTHER CASTLE. Vince gives her some PMS medicine though. Goodie.

 

*Donkey Kong gets the "Kevin Nash 'Earning Your Paycheck' Award" for trying to skip out on the show after doing his one promo interruption. Angle gets all fed-up because appearantly Vince got DK all pissed off and DK IS ONLY THE CHAMP AND A MONSTER DUDE WHILE VINCE IS A 55 YEAR OLD ghaa. Brock suddently acts all concerned for Kurt's safety, as he doesn't want his buttbuddy getting beaten down on by Big Show and his bitches.

 

*Speaking of bitches, Jamie Noble is big pimpin' as he offers $20K for the services of Torrie Kidman. Nidia gets all offended and leaves. What kind of trailer park trash girl is she? She should be excited at the prospect of a three-way! Hell, girl, you'll never get married to Eric Bischoff with that kind of attitude! Ultimo Dragon should just come out and squash the fuck out of Noble and then lure him towards the set and flambe him with the flamethrowers, but instead he just brawls for a bit until Ass Wipe comes to ringside and plays the attention whore role for Dragon's fulke win. Yeah, okay. Torrie continues to taunt Noble for a second week, as $20 grand isn't enough to draw her away from the MAGNETIC MASCULINE ANIMALISM OF ASS WIPE. Hell, Gunn is such a damn man that his song espouses how manly he is! Er.....

 

*Well, that match pretty much killed the crowd as John Cena is left with a friggin' graveyard. Oh, I get it. Although Cena has something that could take him up to the next level, if the Creative types don't keep it good then it's gonna peak with the Kurt bit yesterday and fall down from there. Hey guys, how about bringing up what's going on with Kane? How about mentioning Paul Bearer? Mention something that fans can recognize and wil lmake them perk up and pay attention. Nobody wants to hear half-assed promos that just promote the PPV anymore.

 

*APA starts giving backstage wrestlers forceful invitations to their bar brawl. Spanky wearing a balloon animal is just too much. DO SOMETHING WITH HIM ALREADY OR I WILL CRY. Oh Shawwwn, your kid could need you to come over and job pretty soon if he doesn't get a shot in the arm. Bradshaw shoots for the financial wisdom of Alan Greenspan but winds up with Matthew Lesko: "What if we pay people to come and get their asses kicked?" This guy's stock book comes out this week, ladies and gentlemen. Would YOU trust this man to plan your future?

 

*KIDMANTOUCHEDMEOMG and Rey Mysterio fight some OVW Masked Jobbers and while that's cool and all, why couldn't we have stuck this over where Benoit/Hardy is? Match is crap. It's about due for Kidman's heel turn but they didn't want to job these guys out to a couple of OVW jokers that will be forgotten about next week, so the monotony continues. I don't care for Kidman unless he's in the Flock or he's posing with me in pictures.

 

*And now, because the show so obviously needed his help, Vince spices things up with a second promo. Grandma Sable is living it up in the Skybox instead of at ringside so that the fans in the front few rows don't accidentally catch a dozen STDs and a case of SARS from being too close. John Cena came all the way here from the graveyard, as fast as his car could carry him, to join us and suck Vince's cock. But since nobody is allowed to cut a whole promo on this show, Undertaker comes out to soak up his pop and sell a couple hundred shirts to the live crowd for doing nothing. Jeez, maybe HE deserves the Nash award.

 

*Sean O'Haire, now free of Roddy Piper, has a match with Rhyno. Since O'Haire was dangerously close to having an oppertunity to get over, and since our Vince promo probably went on a little long, the APA quickly arrive to keep anything entertaining from happening. Bless them.

 

* Grandma Sable is gettin' her drink on when she's attacked by a bear in a party outfit. Or it might be Steph, jury is out. They roll around for a bit and then Anna Nicole makes gutteral noises as she's laid out onto the buffet table. All Sable had to do was put an apple into Stephanie's mouth and it would have been perfect.

 

*Somebody better get a life raft! The Ass Wipe is sunk when pitted against the mad skillz of EDDY~! Use him as an opener to amp up the crowd, guys. Don't throw him out there immediately with the likes of Benoit and Eddy and expect the ratings to come pouring in. I like to think that every wrestler, no matter how much they get pushed to the moon, can be used to get over another wrestler by being destroyed in a squash match and putting over a young talent. Even Hogan or HHH could be cleanly jobbed out at the end of their careers (if it will ever come) and everybody in the seats will say "Holy shit, that dude just mopped the floor with Austin/Hogan/Hunter/Rocky/Whoever!" Billy Gunn is like one of two exceptions to this. Even if he rolled over for a guy like O'Haire, everyone would just write it off as a fluke and assume he'd get pushed again in two weeks anyway. Match was great for being Eddy/Broomstick.

 

*BTW, the other exception is Flair, who has done so damn many "One last attempt for old times' glory" jobs that everybody knows he'll never go away.

 

*Good handicap match that defined what a REAL "methodical" match is, not that crap that JR spews when he knows in advance that a match is going to suck. Thought Big Show was really going to chokeslam Angle on the pavement there for a minute. There's a cringe-worthy moment. For the love of God would you please GET ZACH OFF MY TV and put him in the McMahon/Cena/Taker bit a few asteriks back? That's where he's supposed to belong, after all. Meanwhile, Angle wins. This kinda sorta justified the jobbing of Donkey Kong last week as it's to make it look like Angle is on his game more than Lesnar and could win at the PPV, but Lesnar never made any kind obvious mistake or anything that lead to his downfall. Unless you want to count setting up the steps for the failed F5. He pretty much just got set up for the "wow Big Show is powerful" spot of the month and then jobbed to an arrogant cover.

 

This was overall a crappy show but hopefully SD will have their house in order after this PPV. Put the US title on somebody and have Gowan kick Vince off TV for the 500th time to give him some semblance of fame. Scott Keith and his dozens of online parrots are complaining that all the booking is focused on the McMahon angles, but neither is doing anything the slightest bit original. IMO it's divided between those two and Cena/Undertaker, so there's nothing special in any of them.

 

Just please don't have this Lesnar/McMahon thing go any further than one run-in at the pay per view. I certainly don't want a match, and I really don't want a match during the buildup for Summerslam. Vince needs to vamoose again.

 

EDITED because I accidentally called a handicap match a tag match. Hopefully my biting humor will make you ignore my foolish mistake. Also, hopefully you aren't reading this edit note.