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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (8/21/2003)

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Guest TSMAdmin

SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (8/21/2003)

by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins


E-Mail of the Week: A few readers chimed in with their own reviews of the show, but Aidy squeaks into this spot this week, as he decided that he needed to take Anglesault to task after last week's Forums Quote of the Week.



In forums quote of the week, Anglesault asks who a big Shane bump has helped. Well, the answer is simple; me. As a wrestling fan, I love Shane's matches. Sure, he's taking away another wrestler's PPV slot, and therefore their paycheck, but, what, is this a business or a charity?


I'll bet you that everybody employed by WWE lives in a bigger house than both of us combined, and I don't even know what you do for a living.


Just my 2.


I have no problem with Shane wrestling, as I'm entertained by his matches as well, but two simple problems arise in this instance.


1. Shane becomes the third McMahon to wrestle in two PPVs, and I just can't stand seeing their mugs on TV every week.


2. Shane isn't even against a wrestler. He's against a non-wrestler in what's almost a guaranteed suckfest.


At least when Shane is against someone on the active roster, there's a chance of somebody who could potentially mean something to the future of the company getting the benefit of Shane putting them over. But Shane vs. Eric Bischoff? Who gets over that, you know, you could eventually build as a main eventer? Answer: No one.



Forums Quote of the Week: SweetNSexyDiva, bless her heart, tried to bring some happiness to the forums with a "Fabulous Relationships" thread, which quickly turned negative. ripper gave her this advice:


You could always just a post a big picture of your avatar when ever things get down and the all would be good again.


Lifes problems can always be solved with pictures of breast



Amen, brother!



Random thoughts: I just had a few thoughts over the week.


1. Regarding Test vs. Scott Steiner on Raw: If you want us to believe that a match is being stopped due to injury, try ringing the bell.


2. Stacy is only allowed to be treated like a slut in my bedroom. Period.


3. Why the hell are we supposed to care that Eric Bischoff forced himself onto Linda McMahon? It's not wrestling, it's not entertaining, it's just fucking stupid. Even the executive producers for Passions saw that and went "Holy shit, that was lame." I mean, maybe if I felt some sort of emotional bond to Linda it might be OK, but with her personality, I'm surprised her own children have an emotional bond to her.


4. Here's a thought: Why not do a hard sell for a pay-per-view event by having people who are on the show compete in competitive matches and sell it as "You'll see more of this great action this Sunday at SummerSlam"? Oh wait. THAT MAKES SENSE! Can't have that in WWE.


5. To Fox News Channel: Your lawsuit didn't actually accomplish anything, as I saw Al Franken's new book at the local bookstore yesterday. If you have to file a frivolous lawsuit, at least go all the way with the damned thing.


6. Madden 2004 kicks ass. 'Nuff said.


7. So does NCAA Football 2004 to a lesser extent, but what is the point of the Mascot Game outside of the initial novelty?


8. Why do stores make you apply for a job online, but then when they hire you, they expect you to show up rather than work from home? My presence wasn't needed to apply for the job, so why is it required for the actual job?


9. The only good thing about the Sobig.F virus was seeing Mike Tenay's e-mail address in my mailbox.



Tonight: Let's see...John Cena and A-Train against The Undertaker and Orlando Jordan...Matt Hardy vs. Rey Misterio Jr. (non-title of course, because Heaven forbid the cruiserweight title ever get defended), The Basham Brothers vs. Jamie Noble and Billy Gunn, and Eddy Guerrero and Rhyno vs. Tajiri and Chris Benoit. I'll give you two guesses as to which of these matches I care the least about.


Segment 1


Two weeks ago, Brock Lesnar turned heel if you already forgot.


Why is The Rock still in the opening?


Taped 8/19/2003 from the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit, where they're watching a shitty Tigers game instead of SmackDown, and here comes My Olympic Hero (WWE Champion) to the ring! And he's got the stick. He told Brock straight to his face that he'd stop at nothing to gain the WWE Title, and he doesn't apologizing for beating him, because the title is what he lives for. He's not here for some elaborate revenge plan like he had with Vince McMahon because he doesn't need a 58-year-old man to help him. He does things on his own. He'll get revenge the old-fashioned way: "By finding you and kicking your ass!" Their match is Sunday at SummerSlam, but Angle's here for a fight! He wants them both at the same time if necessary, and he's going anywhere until he gets his fight! Mr. McAsshole doesn't waste any time coming to the top of the ramp. See, it's not about what Kurt wants. It's not about what these people want. (Um...yes it is if you want to stay in business.) It's about what Vince McMahon wants. Another recapper would say "I love shoot comments that aren't meant to be shoot comments" right around here, and that recapper most likely did. Anyway, Vince is saying there's not going to be a fight, but Angle wants him to come to the ring and say it to his face, "you stupid son of a b[bEEP]!" But Vince claims he saved Angle's career, because Angle would have done something he'd regret. If Angle comes anywhere near Brock or Vince before SummerSlam, it's an immediate suspension...and forfeiture of the WWE Title. And a pink slip. And since Kurt is so anxious to compete tonight, he'll have a tune up match with...wait for it...The Too Damn Big Show. How convenient of Show's music to play right there after that spontaneous impromptu announcement, huh? Be careful what you wish for, etc. etc. etc. But wait Vince. Kurt doesn't want a match. "Let me explain this real slowly because you are a stupid son of a b[bEEP]!" He wants to fight The Big Show right now! Here's the brawl in the aisle, and a low blow and a title belt to the head, and he's got the edge. Out come four referees, Tony Garea and Sgt. Slaughter to break it up



When Triple H needs to get serious, he drinks steroids in a can.


Anyway, I like the fact that they've given Angle something legitimate to work with ("I'm mad at you, so let me kick your ass"). Hell, it's simple...it makes sense...the dumbest mark can follow along...did they steal this from the fantasy booking folder or something? But two problems. One, do we really need Angle vs. The Big Show again? And two, do we REALLY still need Vince McMahon to be the top heel against the rotating top babyface?

Segment 2


Vince and Show are backstage. He wants a fight? He'll get one. Show breaks some stuff, but Vince signs a falls count anywhere street fight between Show and Angle.


Non-Title Match scheduled for one fall: Rey Misterio Jr. (WWE Cruiserweight Champion--w/Billy Kidman) vs. Matt Hardy v.1.0 (w/Shannon Moore v.0.75)


Matt Facts: "Matt has never lost his cellphone" and "Matt's pants are hipper than Rey's". Matt vs. Zach Gowen is official for SummerSlam. Knucklelock, and Hardy knocks Rey down for a series of 2 counts. Springboard headscissors by Rey. Snap mare, front flip, dropkick for 2. Moore to the apron, but Kidman pulls him off. Matt with a thumb to the eye and a series of forearms. Rey drop toeholds Matt to the floor. Springboard somersault plancha! Into the ring they go. Hardy prevents Rey from springing in with a hard forearm. Moore tries to use a chair, but Rey moves. Kidman grabs it...and referee Brian Hebner only heard Moore miss Rey with the chair, but he sees Kidman with it and sends him to the back.



Normally a mid-match commercial break ruins the flow of the match, but they haven't actually established a flow yet.

Segment 3


Hardy's forearm stops Rey's barrage of punches. Hardy rams Rey into the ringpost. That gives Hardy the opening to work on Rey's shoulder. Hammerlock slam and an elbowdrop for 2. Rey comes back with a spinning heel kick. Hardy comes back with the Side Effect for a near fall. Hammerlock. Rey with elbows, Matt puts him on his shoulders, and Rey turns it into a DDT. They trade punches on their knees, then on their feet. Kick by Hardy, but Rey bounces off the ropes and into a rana. There's the springboard "senton" for 2. Hardy tries a side effect, Rey counters, so Hardy hits the inverted version of the Side Effect for 2. Both men up top, Rey knocks Matt off, and it's a moonsault bodyblock for 2. More punches exchanged. Rey with a drop toehold, then one for an incoming Moore, and Hardy clotheslines Rey when he attempts the 619. Twist of Fate is countered, and Hardy runs into Zach Gowen's cane. 619, West Coast Pop, pin at 10:36. Good stuff, but something seemed off here. **3/4



Like I said, some good stuff here, but much like the Tajiri-Eddy Guerrero match of a few weeks ago, this didn't have the same energy that a match like this should have had. Certainly not as good as their two previous SmackDown meetings, and serving a nothing more than a backdrop for the Gowen-Hardy match at SummerSlam. And yet there's no cruiserweight title match at SummerSlam, which makes it...how many straight pay-per-views without that title on the line? Even if we exclude Bad Blood, I think we're at about 4 or 5 right now.


This week on Confidential: "The Big Cat" Ernie Ladd. That could actually be pretty cool.

Segment 4


More Vince! This time King Brock I makes his appearance. Show didn't hurt Vince, but he'll hurt Angle tonight. We have a street fight tonight, but Brock's the number one contender. Why doesn't Brock have a match? He needs a worthy opponent tonight. Why not take on...Zach Gowen? The hometown kid. But what's gonna happen in that match? Brock will break his leg...the good leg. Good idea, sayeth the Vin Man.


Your hosts are Michael Coleslaw and Tazz, who are all "Come on, first Spanky and now Zach? Come on!" Well, Cole at any rate. Vince also sent Steph to the wolves last week, and here's the recap of that bit if you missed it. I did, but I still don't care enough to recap it. So there! Although apparently Eric Bischoff took some lessons on how to seduce women from A-Train.


Anyway, Stephanie McMahon is suffering from internal injuries after last week.


Jamie By God Noble. Not the One Billy Gunn. Torrie Wilson. Nidia. Together. And dressed! Next!



Um...nothing to really say here, as we have another match added (a match? What's that?) and then recaps for the quarter of the country who didn't see last week's show and wouldn't have given a damn about the angle had they seen it in the first place.


I still don't give a damn about The Mullets. Jake 2.0 could be OK if done right.

Segment 5


Big Show vs. Angle tonight, plus SummerSlam this Sunday, brought to you by ephedra in a can...er, that Stacker 2 drink!


Michael Cole introduces us to Zach Gowen's Mother, and she's proud of what she's accomplished. She doesn't like watching her son get thrown around the ring, but against Brock Lesnar? Why would someone want to break his leg? She doesn't get it! I'd have rather they interviewed Zack Morris' mother. She cuts a better promo.


Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Strange Bedfellows (w/Torrie Wilson/Nidia) vs. The Brothers Basham (w/Shelton Benjamin in drag--er, Shaniqua)


Is Danny gaining weight? This match has been built up over the last two or three weeks. The brawl begins out on the floor. Gunn and Doug start in the ring, and Gunn gets a tilt-a-whirl slam in. A couple of punches, and a corner whip. Stinger Splash misses, and Danny is in for a clothesline. Both men with stomps in the corner. Front facelock, tag, doube flapjack, Danny covers for 2. More double teaming before Doug covers for 2. Hard cross forearms...you'd think Doug was a machine or something. Billy avoids a double team, and here's the chance for the hot tag. Noble in with forearms to both men, and a back suplex for Doug. Neckbreaker to Danny for 2. Flying elbowdrop for 2. All four men in the ring now, and Billy and Doug tumble to the floor. Noble with a rolling cradle, but Shaniqua pulls Noble out of the ring. Here come Torrie and Nidia, but Shaniqua floors them both with a clothesline. Billy with a Fameasser for Danny, Shaniqua hits him with the whip, and Doug does the illegal switch. In comes Noble, but Doug locks a small package for the pin at 4:19. *1/4


Zach Gowen is ready for any kinda action baby, but Brock Lesnar comes up to him and says he literally won't have a leg to stand on.



Tag matches simply aren't good for four minute specials if you actually want to try to get everybody over in them. They just aren't. What you get is a match that feels rushed. A hot tag, a four way brawl, and a screwjob finish in under five minutes. Yikes.


So who has money that Mother Gowen becomes involved somehow in her son's match? No takers on her staying out of it?

Segment 6


Here's the recap of Spanky getting taken out by Brock. At least he got the win.


One fall: King Brock I vs. Zach Gowen


I bet Zach's leg doesn't get broken, if only because they already announced his SummerSlam match. Oh, how sweet, a kiss for mommy. How did she get front row seats? Uh oh, Brock's spotted her! And mom acts disinterested! Classic there! Oh, that's unintentional? Damn! But that's still the opening for Zach to get a pescadoe in, but that's probably the offense he's going to get. Another look at mom, and Zach uses the prosthetic leg, but a knee to the midsection stops that, and Brock sends Zach into the ringpost. Into the ring, and NOW the match starts. Zach tries to punch back, but is immediately stopped. Hey, Brock, those are his ribs, not his leg! Double power bomb! Brock dumps Zach to the floor in front of his mom. He's got a chair...Mike Chioda should just count to 10 here. Chair shot, Chioda calls for the bell, Gowen wins by DQ at 2:02. DUD But we're not done there. Headbutts, and Zach is busted wide open! On the shoulders, Zach's mom screams "Put him down, it's over," and Brock F5's Gowen's leg into the ringpost. More chairshots to Zach's leg, and Brock chase about 6 referees off. Another ringpost F5. Mom hops the guardrail as trainers show up. Is the footage of Zach in black and white, or is it just a shitty camera angle? Cole says he's supposed to be impartial, but screw it, he hopes Angle hurts Brock at SummerSlam. They try to stretcher Zach out, but Brock dumps the stretcher over. SID VICIOUS LIVES! God, now they're blurring the shots of Gowen. Back in the ring, and Brock wipes Zach's blood onto his chest.



You know, the treatment of Gowen here is simply disgusting, and anybody remotely involved with the mainstream media that still covers WWE is probably going to take them to task for this, and even I admit I cringe a little bit at this one. But as far as building Brock as a heel, this was a very well done segment. He's out there to hurt people just because he can, he's not stopping until he's got belt back, and if he hurts the entire roster while he does it, so be it. You can argue all you want about whether they should have done this segment or not (and apparently the debate went on even in Detroit among WWE staff), but if this kind of thing can't get the heel over, probably nothing will ever do it. I think this worked on a number of levels, even if it may have crossed a line.

Segment 7


Michael Cole calls the previous segment a "tragedy" and treats it like Zach is dead or something.


Cole "breaks tradition" and chastises Lesnar. He hurt poor Zach Gowen, and for what? Tazz doesn't know, and he's disgusted as well, and Brock will be blacklisted in the locker room. And Cole continues to go off, saying Brock doesn't care about anything except the belt and reiterating that he hopes Brock gets broken bones. Tazz puts Angle over, but still says he doesn't think Brock can be stopped.


SummerSlam Lineup:


Elimination Chamber for the World heavyweight Title: HHH, HBK, Nash, Jericho, Orton, and Goldberg!

Gowen vs. Matt Hardy (Um...you sure?)

Shane McMahon vs. Eric Bischoff

Benoit vs. Guerrero vs. Tajiri vs. Rhyno for the US Title

Kane vs. RVD

Undertaker vs. A-Train

The Dudley Boyz vs. La Resistance for the World Tag Team Title

Brock vs. Angle for the WWE Title


John Cena is on his way to the ring, and he immediately kills the beat. He chastises Zach Gowen simply because he's from Detroit. "The only time you people look good is in the middle of a blackout. This isn't Joe Louis Arena, this is the world's biggest crackhouse." The last line of the freestyle gets completely muted. Cool!



I love how Cole and Tazz are selling this. Hey, JR and Kingfish! I love you guys, but take notes...THIS is how you put a heel over! Even I'm starting to hate Brock Lesnar after these last two segments, and that's something that simply putting Brock and Vince together didn't accomplish. For that matter, the creative team might want to remember that for future reference.

Segment 8


Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: John Cena and A-Train vs. Orlando Jordan and The Undertaker


For those of you in the States who hop on as soon as this is up, Taker is on Jimmy Kimmel Live tonight. For most of you, sorry, too late. Taker and Cena start. Quick waistlock takedown by Taker, and he works over Cena's ribs. He wants A-Train though. Cena sends Taker to the floor and pounds away at him. Rope stunner by Taker. Arm wringer, Old School, cover, A-Train makes the save. Tag to Jordan. Backdrop, Jordan lands on his feet, roll up for 2. Tag to A-Train. Cheap shot, and A-Train simply mauls Jordan. Jordan avoids an avalanche and gets in a DDT. Taker rallies the crowd behind Jordan. Tag to Cena, tag to Taker, and Taker quickly hits Cena with Snake Eyes. In comes A-Train, Taker punches him, and it's corner clotheslines for both men. Taker with a dragon sleeper to Cena, but A-Train with a chair...and Jordan cuts him off. Derailer to Jordan, Taker choke slams A-Train, but Cena spinebusters Taker for a near fall. Taker stops a chair shot with a kick and goes for the Last Ride, but A-Train hits Taker in the ribs with Cena's chain, and Cena pins Taker at 4:34. *1/4


A street fight is still to come, but more tag action is next.



I have to ask the question: As well as they've built up Lesnar over the last two weeks, why haven't they done the same thing with A-Train? I mean, costing Taker matches is a good way to build up to the match, don't get me wrong. But since they were in the same tag match tonight, shouldn't A-Train have been the one to get the pin and thus be seen as having a legitimate chance to beat Taker himself? (You're complaining that John Cena pinned Undertaker two out of three weeks?) You know, that's a very valid point!

Segment 9


No Longer Able Sable has been waiting for A-Train. Vince wants her to personally thank A-Train for what he did to Stephanie...and buffybeast better turn the TV off before she goes into a jealous rage. Wow, that segment means that...they cut like 90 seconds off of the next match for absolutely nothing.


Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Eddy Guerrero (WWE US Champion) and The Man Beast Rhyno vs. Tajiri Yoshihiro and Chris BeNOIT


Rhyno rides shotgun, and Eddy actually puts the low rider onto one side. And next week, SmackDown is in Eddy's hometown of El Paso! Benoit wants a handshake from Eddy, but Eddy isn't convinced. Dragon screw leg whip quickly, and Eddy with chops. Whip, reversal, backdrop. Gorilla press by Benoit. A couple of chops, and Eddy uses Brian Hebner for cover. Rhyno tags in, there's some double teaming, and there's a backbreaker by Rhyno. Michael Cole's Update on Zach Gowen: We'll update you about Zach Gowen later. Gee, thanks for the update, jackass! Benoit into the Crippler Crossface, and Eddy makes the save. Rhyno sends Benoit into the turnbuckle. Tag to Eddy. Snap mare into a seated abdominal stretch. Rolling vertical suplexes. Eddy's feeling froggy, but Benoit stops him and takes him down with a superplex. Tag to Rhyno, tag to Tajiri, and Tajiri with tons of kicks, followed by a handspring elbow. Kind of like that other Japanese guy on the roster...what's his name again? You know, the one who was on SmackDown like two weeks before being relegated to A-Train's old Velocity spot? Sorry, the match! Tarantula, and Benoit gets Eddy with the Swan Dive Headbutt while that happens. Tajiri accidentally kicks Benoit in the head and turns into Rhyno's Gore, and that's the pin at 4:58. **1/4 Benoit with a Crippler Crossface to Rhyno, and Eddy breaks it with a belt shot to the head. And one to Rhyno for good measure. Eddy starts to leave, but shrugs his shoulders and gives Tajiri a belt shot. Well, you can't let him feel left out, ya know?



And another tag team match that proves four minute tag team matches don't really do much, and considering the talent involved, this is criminally short, as they could have had 12-15 minutes and blown the roof off of Joe Louis Arena. But that would have cut a meaningless Sable segment off the show, and we wouldn't want that now, would we? What this was successful at was building animosity between all four competitors going into their match at SummerSlam...but why exactly would they team up three days before they face each other anyway?

Segment 10


Non-Title Falls Count Anywhere Street Fight scheduled for one fall: My Olympic Hero (WWE Champion) vs. The Too Damn Big Show


Nitpick of the week: Shouldn't it be "Fall Counts Anywhere" except in the case of two out of three fall matches? Proper grammer and all. Angle wastes no time going to the entrance to wait for The Big Show. So they brawl at the top of the aisle, and Angle uses punches until they get to ringside, and then it's a knee by Show and into the steps goes Angle. Show already going for the table under the ring. Shots to the back. Into the ring. Angle comes back with right hands. A hard forearm by Show stops the comeback. Bodyslam onto the still folded table. Legdrop for 2. Angle tries for a tackle, but nothing doing, as Show gets a couple of slaps to the chest. High Beell throw! More slaps to the chest. Angle in the corner, and the table is up against him...and Angle tosses the table into a charging Big Show. Angle Slam! Cover for 2. Angle punching away again, but he runs into a big boot. What is with Angle and the punching tonight? Show sets up the table, but Angle brings a chair in and levels Show in the back with it...but Show punches the chair into Angle's face on Angle's second swing. Show tries to power bomb Angle into the table, but Angle grabs the chair and waylays Show with it. Cover for 2. Running chair smash, and Show tumbles out to the floor. Show pulls Angle to the floor and takes him down with a headbutt. Press slam into the guardrail. Rearranging the steel steps in front of the broadcast table, and Tazz even backs away. Angle locks in a testicular claw, but Show clotheslines him down. Chokehold, up the stairs, and Angle fights out of it...but gets caught...and slips behind Show to send him into the ringpost. Chair in hand, but Show grabs him by the throat. Back up the stairs again, but Angle reverses it into the Ankle Lock. Show tries to climb the steps to relieve the pressure, and Show eventually kicks out. Angle charges and bulldogs Show into the steps. Show falls onto the announce table. Angle with another chair and onto the steps...Arabian facebuster! Cover for only 2, and Tazz loses his headset, so we're stuck with Cole for a while. Angle rolls Show into the ring. Angle setting up the table...but Show grabs him by the throat...and Angle slips behind and Angle Slams Show through the table for the pin at 9:43. This didn't suck! *** But wait! Here comes Brock Lesnar! He stares Kurt down from the top of the stage...



Honest to God, a Big Show match that didn't suck! I honestly can't believe it! Rather spotty, and way too many punches by Angle, but they did a nice job of playing off the recent matches they've had to work up to a nice little finish.


Overall though, this just wasn't a good pre-PPV week for World Wrestling Entertainment. OK, you had some good stuff with Hardy vs. Rey and Show vs. Angle, and the buildup of Brock Lesnar: Badass Heel was absolutely awesome. Then you had the filler, which was basically every backstage segment and about half the matches. This show was better than Raw, but that's not exactly that hard anymore.


And as far as SummerSlam buildup goes...why do the good tag team champions sit out while the ones that suck get a match? No cruiserweight title match? Hell, no women's title match? But by God, we can throw a McMahon match on there and give the main event to Chris Jericho, Shawn Michaels, and four men who aren't over! Is anybody paying $35 for that? Anybody at all! And we never did get that update on Zach Gowen! If I pay $35 for this show and don't get Hardy vs. Gowen, I'll be pissed, I tell you.


Eh, whatever.


Until next week, send the feedback, check my archives, and read the forums.

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