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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (8/28/2003)

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Guest TSMAdmin

SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (8/28/2003)

by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins


No e-mail of the week or quote of the week this week, as between the SoBig.F virus cluttering up my e-mail late last week and my lack of online time, I can't really do any of it justice. Hopefully they'll return as scheduled next week. By the way, those of you on AOL who tried to e-mail me this week, the reason you haven't gotten a response is because AOL refuses to allow my TSM account to actually send you e-mails (something about unsolicited e-mails, most likely from the SoBig.F virus), but I did try.


Anyway, here we have the post-SummerSlam edition of SmackDown, and all I can say about SummerSlam that The Dames didn't say in his Diatribe was "Thank God SmackDown contributed." Actually, I think he said that too, just not as directly. I was willing to give the show a mild thumbs up until Kevin Nash's multitude of power bombs took all the drama away from the Elimination Chamber, but at that point it was clear to anyone with half a brain that there would be no Jericho or Orton title victory (and even though Orton's not ready, a reign would have made sense given the story going in). So basically, it was either root for Goldberg, who hasn't done anything to earn his title shot (like work house shows for a year, in past years a prerequisite to a main event run), or root for Triple H, who should have lost the damned thing to Booker T at WrestleMania when people were already sick of the neverending title reign from hell. Sadly, a Triple H win at Unforgiven almost assures that Hunter will break Superstar Billy Graham's record for longest single World Title reign by a heel champion. The difference? People actually paid to see Superstar Graham defend his title.


I have no idea what the lineup is for tonight. Hey, I said I haven't been online much this week.

Segment 1


Straight into the opening we go.


We are taped 8/26/2003 from the Don Haskins Center in Eddy Guerrero's hometown of El Paso, Texas!


And here comes the Hometown Boy to a massive pop, followed by piped in boos. He parks his car outside the building and asks the guy to park it for him. And here he comes through the crowd! Hey, he didn't pay to get in! A hug for Tazz, a largeass sombrero for Michael Coleslaw, and here we go! Hugs and kisses for the family. HUGE Eddy chant from the local crowd! How about greeting them in Spanish? Thank you. Tacos? Where? Four years of Spanish and I don't understand a word. Anyway, this is where the Guerreros started. This is where the first lie, cheat, and steal started. Guerrero History: Conchita Guerrero crossed over from Juarita, and some cop came over and she was like "Who are you?" So the cop asks "Do you belong here?" And she's all "this is the land of the free" and stuff. "That was the first Guerrero lie ever, homes." Then the first ever cheat: She couldn't understand the citizenship test because it was in English, so she beat the hell out of a grandmother, made a copy, and became a US citizen. Then the first steal: After taking the citizenship test, there was this low rider in the parking lot...well, OK, a donkey. Anyway...John Cena decides that this segment is bombing (which it's not) and makes an appearance. Why the fuck are they blurring the entire bottom half of the screen? Anyway, Cena cuts a freestyle that implies that Eddy's gay and stole his green card, so the US Champion isn't even a citizen. I think that's a challenge. Eddy's all "talk about me, but not my raza", since there are like 12,000 members of his family here. But it's about Cena thinking he's more American than Eddy. Eddy starts screaming at Cena, and Cena starts backing off. Cena wants a fight, but only if the gold's on the line. And Eddy says it's on tonight! Cena says he'll take the title and Eddy's sister. Eddy: "Since you're taking everything tonight, why don't you take this?" Right hand, and Eddy is on Beatdown Patrol tonight! A clothesline sends Cena to the floor, and Eddy has Cena's throwback jersey and hat on and does the kiss my ass motion. Cena in after him, but Eddy dumps him over the top, and this crowd is on fire! And Eddy almost forgot to do his own mini rap.



Fuck yeah, baby! Cena vs. Eddy? That makes this show better than Raw already, and we haven't had one match yet! A great segment to kick things off, and this crowd is so hot you'd think a company that knew what it was doing was running the show tonight...

Segment 2


One fall for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Rey Misterio Jr. (champion) vs. Nunzio (w/Johnny Stamboli/Chuck Palumbo


Two title defenses in a week on TV? You'd think they remembered they had a title or something! Referee Jim Korderas immediately sends Palumbo and Stamboli to the back. Waistlock takedown by Nunzio into a wrestling sequence. Clothesline by Nunzio for 2. Rana by Rey, then a dropkick. Nunzio to the floor, and it's Rey with a slingshot corkscrew plancha to the floor. Both men back in, and Rey covers for 2. Dropkick into the ropes, but Nunzio avoids the 619. Rey to the floor, but Nunzio goes "Rey, meet the barricade. BAM!" Back in, cover, 2 count. Nunzio into a double wristlock. Rey rolls out of it and into a bulldog headlock. Series of punches, and Rey with a springboard bodyblock for 2. Nunzio with an atomic drop to the mat and a seated dropkick for 2. Rey with an inverted Russian legsweep into the ropes, then it's 619, West Coast Pop...NO! Countered into a power bomb, and Nunzio gets 2! Sweet counter! Rey with elbows and kicks, but he eats a knee. Nunzio with a power bomb, Rey counters into a sitdown for 2, and Nunzio counters into a sunset flip for 2. Nunzio with forearms to the back, and up to the top they go. Rey knocks him off the turnbuckle and hits the flying legdrop for the pin at 4:53. Great stuff, and I'm salivating at what they could do with another five minutes. **3/4


Tonight, Cena vs. Eddy for the US Title.



Is it really so hard to just put on matches like that every single week? That one match was about ten times better than anything on Raw this week, and the premise was simple: The champion defends the title against a top challenger in a competitive matchup. No GMs, no CEOs, no former billionaires, no stupid backstage skit that exposes how worthless someone is on the mic, and no dumpsters set on fire. Just two guys busting their ass in front of a hot crowd. Keep it up now!

Segment 3


One fall: Chris BeNOIT vs. A-Train (w/No Longer Able Sable)


What a pop for Benoit! This crowd is fucking hot tonight! Why do I have this feeling they'll fuck it up? Cole tells us Vince isn't here tonight. And the world rejoices! Quick headlock takedown by A-Train. Chops by Benoit, and A-Train with a knee and a Beell. More chops by Benoit. Off the ropes, and A-Train with a shoulderblock. Up on the shoulder, and stomach first onto the turnbuckle, followed by a kick that sends Benoit to the floor. A-Train follows and whips him into the apron. A "We want puppies" chant starts, and my respect for the crowd drops a point. Back in the ring, and A-Train with a delayed double underhook shoulderbreaker for 2. Nice move! Benoit counters a snake eyes but is immediately knocked down. A-Train removes the turnbuckle pad, but Benoit fights back. Dropkick to the knee, then one to the head, and a release German suplex. Cut throat gesture, Swan Dive Headbutt for 2. A-Train goes for the Derailer, Benoit tries to counter with a Crippler Crossface, but A-Train sends him back into the exposed corner and hits the Derailer...for only 2. A-Train goes for another move, but Benoit counters with a Crippler Crossface for the submission win at 4:01, even though A-Train was clearly under the bottom rope. *1/2


Eddy's backstage, but he's told that someone messed up his ride.



Decent enough match, with A-Train using his solid power moveset while Benoit was bumping like a champ for him. I won't even bitch about the finish, as it keeps Benoit strong (he made A-Train tap) while not hurting A-Train any (as he was under the ropes and should have been out of the hold before he tapped). Obviously lesser quality than the opener, but far from offensive, although I suspect I'll get the hate mail anyway for not chastising A-Train for being huge.

Segment 4


During the break, A-Train shoves Benoit aside and says Benoit can't beat him...and The Man Beast Rhyno Gores him through the dressing room door. Referee Mike Sparks, who blew the call, calls for help.


Outside, Eddy's tires have been stolen, and he asks The APA, SmackDown's NUMBAH ONE Announcah, and Orlando Jordan if they saw anything. Palumbo and Stamboli laugh about it, Eddy fights them, but the faces pull him off.



Nothing to really add here, but it's always nice to see Funaki get camera time.


Will you stop hyping the fucking Mullets already? I expect it to suck as it is, and you're still gonna disappoint me with all the fucking hype!

Segment 5


King Brock I comes out, and his heel pop is quite loud...God, I love this crowd. He's got a mic, and he's PISSED! Brock tells the crowd to shut up. Ever since SummerSlam, everyone says the same thing: "You tapped out." Brock is angry and accidentally starts a "You tapped out" chant. But he's got news for us: What happened at SummerSlam was a miracle, because Brock Lesnar has never tapped out in his life. "I'M NOT A QUITTER, DAMMIT! I'm not like you people." It happened, but not really, you know? It's, like, the most embarassing thing ever, like, for sure. And before we say there's no shame in tapping out to a former Olympic champion, we're wrong, "BECAUSE I'M SPECIAL, DAMMIT!" He demands a title rematch, and I'm game for it, and if Kurt's not game for it, then what he did to Zach Gowen last week...hold the phone. My Olympic Hero is on the Ovaltron telling Brock he sounds like a baby who lost his rattle. See, Angle was like that before. Whenever he lost, he'd sound just like a whiny little bitch. But Angle learned from the fans. They're impressed with action. Like when Brock got his ass beat at SummerSlam. But Kurt has an idea. Why doesn't Kurt come to the ring, beat on Brock, and slap the ankle lock on him for another tapout, "you big ogre looking son of a bitch"? And here comes The Undertaker to bring down what had been a pretty damn exciting segment. Taker couldn't help but overhear, on account that he was eavesdropping, and Taker wants to know why Brock should get another shot when he blew his chance by tapping out. There's that "You tapped out" chant again. First rule of the yard: Brock was in front of the line, but now he's in back of the line. See, it's been a long time since Taker's had a shot. Ten whole months. Ah, the burdens. But Brock's trespassing, as Brock happens to be in his yard. And if he's got a problem leaving the yard, Taker will be glad to help him. And oh fuck, here comes The Too Damn Big Show. Maybe now's not the best time to get everybody out there. Hey, I haven't had a title shot in a while, and I'm not out there. Can I have my shot? All the top contender talk stops right now, as he's 7'2", 500 pounds, and probably the worst record against Angle of anybody in the ring. We finally cue Angle's music. And Angle thinks it's a very interesting situation. But Angle doesn't care who he faces. He'd love to make Brock tap one more time (there's that chant again), it would be an honor to make Taker tap in his own yard, and Show? "You're right. You've caused me more pain and suffering just from your body odor alone." And Stephanie McBitch is going to make the final decision. It'll be settled the old-fashioned way: In the ring. The next challenger will be the winner of a triple threat match tonight between Show, Lesnar, and Taker. The crowd likes it, and I...um...I'll reserve judgment.


The US Title match is NEXT!



A bit long, and I'm not sure what the quality of that match is going to end up being, but I will tell you exactly why I like this segment. The focus is on the WWE Title. It's been said in a few different articles here on TSM the past few weeks, but how do you make the titles mean something? You show that people want them. Here you have three guys that are considered among the top contenders by most casual fans, and all of them want a shot at being the top guy in the business. Cut that segment in half and I'm a lot better off for it, but this was excellent for making that title mean something. Now can the match end up salvagable, or will it be "bowling shoe ugly" as Jim Ross would say?

Segment 6


Moments ago, Josh Matthews asked John Cena flat out if he stole Eddy's tires, but he knows enough not to touch another man's ride.


Your hosts can't decide if they believe him or not, and thank you for watching SummerSlam. All six of you.


One fall for the WWE United States Title: John Cena (w/a tire) vs. Eddy Guerrero (champion)


Holding the tire, Cena says Eddy's not the only one who can lie, cheat, and steal, but Cena can get away with it. Here comes Eddy for behind, and he sends him into the steps before the bell can even ring. There's the bell, and as Eddy stomps Cena, we notice Cena's already bleeding. Bodyslam. Hilo. Chop. "Eddy" chant. Series of mounted punches in the corner. Cena counters a brain buster into a modified sidewalk slam and covers for 2. Cena has a belt in his hand, referee Brian Hebner grabs it, and Eddy takes advantage. Cena with a clothesline to regain the advantage, and he begins to pounds away at the champion. Chokehold. Snap mare into a reverse chinlock, but Eddy rolls through and takes control. Out to the floor and in front of Eddy's family goes Cena. Cena gets Eddy with a shot to the knee. They trade punches on the floor, and watch out for the announce table, John! Oops, too late. Back into the ring they go. Eddy leaves the ring and grabs the tire. Hebner tries to remove it, so Eddy comes in and hits Cena with a chair. Hebner knows it happened even with the huge "Eddy" chant, but he didn't see it, so he can't call it. Vertical suplex, but the pool is empty for the frog splash. Cena with a running tackle, and Eddy falls to the floor.



If you're looking for psychology, I think the story right now is "Which cheater can cheat best to win the title?" And so far, each man has been able to cheat to gain the advantage. It's been enjoyable so far.

Segment 7


We're back, and Cena has a weak looking double chickenwing on Eddy after ramming Eddy's back into the ringsteps during the break. Eddy headbutts out of it but runs into a flapjack. Power bomb for a near fall. La Mama de Eddy Guerrero doesn't want to watch. Delayed vertical suplex by Eddy for 2. Cena taunts the crowd, then chokes Eddy. And into a bearhug as Cena begins focusing almost solely on the back. The arm drops once, it drops twice, but not three times since it's no longer 1987. Eddy with some double earslaps to break the hold, and a flying forearm to knock Cena down. Clothesline. Clothesline. A series of punches. Back suplex for 2.8. Cena reverses a whip and backdrops Eddy. An F-U is countered into a rana. Cena backdrops Eddy onto the apron, and Eddy clothesline Cena with the top rope, but Cena backs into the referee. Yep, he's definitely a Hebner. Frog splash, but Hebner is slow to count, and the three count is so close that the crowd thought it was over. Rolling vertical suplexes, but Cena with a low blow...and that's a DQ at 15:04. That was a disappointing finish to an otherwise damn fine match. ***1/2 Cena with the chain, and he wallops Eddy in the head to a lot of boos. He tosses Hebner aside and chokes Eddy with the chain. Cena brings in the tire. He taunts Eddy and picks him up...F-U onto the tire. Um...ow? And Cena places the title belt onto the tire.


Coming up next, the main event top contenders triple threat match.



As already said, a disappointing finish to an otherwise damn fine match, but one that pretty much guarantees future meetings between the two. And it almost becomes a de facto face turn for Eddy even outside of El Paso, as now he's been mercilessly beaten down for seemingly no reason and needs to strive for revenge. More great stuff, which makes me look for Forrest Whitaker and a floating door.

Segment 8


On location from the University of Texas-El Paso. Before the main event, let's relive what happened to Zach Gowen last week.


Top Contenders No Disqualification Triple Threat Match scheduled for one fall: King Brock I vs. The Too Damn Big Show vs. The Undertaker


Brock and Show discuss double teaming Taker, when all of a sudden Kurt Angle decides to make his way to ringside for commentary.



Just one thought: Kurt Angle's new shirt says "You suck" and it's printed over an American flag. Doesn't that come off as "America sucks" to the uninformed? Well, they'll sell well in Canada at any rate.

Segment 9


We're joined in progress with Brock driving a shoulder into The Undertaker, and apparently the double teaming agreement has been made. Whip by Brock into a Show clothesline. Kicks by both guys to Taker. Show with a vertical suplex, and Brock covers for 2, and that's going to end the "gentlemen's agreement". No, wait. They're cool. Show clotheslines Taker over the top rope, and now Brock and Show go after each other. So...they're not cool then...? Show with a clothesline and an elbowdrop. Slap to the chest. Brock with a belly-to-belly suplex for 2, as Taker makes a (late) save. Taker punching away at Brock, and avalanches to both opponents. Boot to Brock, and a flying clothesline to Show. Corner whip and Snake Eyes for Brock. Brock picks up Taker for an F5, but Show stops it with a side kick. Show slams Lesnar, then sets Taker up for a Choke Slam. Taker counters into a Fujiwara armbar (sweet!), and Lesnar makes the save. Series of punches between Taker and Brock (Taker getting the advantage), and Taker clotheslines Brock over the top. Taker gets his hand caught in the ropes, and all three men are on the floor. Brock takes advantage and tries the ringpost F5, but Taker sends Brock into the post. Show with a chair to Taker, but he misses Brock. Brock with the chair, but Show punches it back into Brock.



Even this one is better than I thought it would be so far. Everybody seems to have their working shoes on tonight. I'll wait over here to avoid the nasty comments about selling or hosses or whatever.

Segment 10


We're back with Show and Taker brawling in the ring. During the break, Brock nearly got killed with a Show chair shot. Back live, and Taker with a big boot, but he runs into one from Show. Brock to the apron and knocked to the broadcast table. Legdrop by Show, but Taker counters the cover into the jujugitame (sp?). It's a judo hold. Brock back in. Taker choke slams Brock and covers, but Show pulls the referee out of the ring at 2. Taker goes after Show and rams him into the announce table. Back in they go. Choke Slam to Taker! Brock makes the save at 2. Brock punching away at Show, and Show fighting back. What a chop! Lesnar avoids a charge and suplexes Show (and the ring stays together!). Cover, and a save by Taker. Taker punches Brock, but Brock covers up. Kick to the midsection, but Show in to stop the Last Ride, and Taker punches Show out of the ring. Taker walks into the F5, and Show runs in to make the save. Show Choke Slams Brock, but Taker makes the save. Show picks up Brock and rams him into the turnbuckle, and now Show is climbing to the top rope? What the fuck is this? Taker hits Brock from behind to prevent it, but Show is still on the top rope. Brock whips Taker into Show, then drives Taker into Show's elbow. Stomps to Taker with Show still on the turnbuckle, and Lesnar goes for the superplex...but Taker takes Brock down with a Last Ride for the pin at 16:28. It started dying after the break, but picked up again near the finish. ** Taker vs. Angle next week, and they stare each other down. Angle says "it's mine", and they're nose-to-nose.



Gotta go middle of the road with this one, as I liked it early, then it got boring, but then the finish picked up somewhat. This one probably would have been better served with about five fewer minutes to it. All told though, it was some pretty decent stuff, and for some reason I'm actually looking forward to seeing Taker vs. Angle...although I get the feeling that Vince is going to change it next week.


Overall, I loved this show for some reason. My biggest gripe is the number of matches (four matches in a two-hourshow?). But the two extended in-ring segments built to two of tonight's matches (good), the right guys went over with the possible exception of the main event (emphasis on possible, but still, good), and outside of a few minutes during the triple threat match I didn't feel like this show was dragging at all. Give me this type of show every time out and I'm going to be happy to say I'm a wrestling fan.


Tune in next week when Vince McMahon returns and says "Who is this 'Ultimo Dragon' person, and why is he backstage?" In the meantime, send me some feedback and I'll try to respond, or check out the archives for any SmackDowns you've missed (at least before June 19).

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