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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (9/4/2003)

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Guest TSMAdmin

SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (9/4/2003)

by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins


E-Mail of the Week: Robert Lehto gets the honors this week (because the other three that were in the running didn't save to my disk for damn reason and were deleted from the TSM account due to space limitations):


Hey right first of all I would like to say out of the other people who do TV reviews yours is the best. I like the commercial thing. Also how about this for a thought after Cena/Eddie feud why don't either of them feud with Rey Mysterio and then have Rey go over and unite the US Title with the Cruiserweight. Why you ask? Well what's a cruiserweight title with respect on the same level of the Intercontinental title (used to be)? The X Title!


Three minor problems with that.


1. The X title, while sought over by mostly cruiserweights, has never been tied down to weight limits.


2. Unifying the Cruiserweight and US Titles would defeat the purpose of bringing the US Title back in the first place, which is to give more midcard wrestlers something to compete for.


3. I'm not sure how many fans outside of the smark community actually know about the X Title. And if they do, they probably wouldn't remember when the IC Title meant something anyway.



Forums Quote of the Week: ripper discusses the potential end of the world should the asteroid ever hit us:



I'll be taking advantage of all of the hot, paranoid women.




ME: Well...don't you want to take this time to experience the biggest orgy EVA!!!


Hot Lady: Well...are you gonna be there..


Me: Hell yeah...me and 20 other hot, paranoid women...


Hot Lady: Well, I wouldn't usually do this but you are a sexy bitch and the world is ending...



And fun will be had by all. And by fun I mean orgasms...and by all I mean me...and by had I mean...well...I mean for it to be taken in the exact same context that it was taken in the sentence...th..thats all I got.



Tonight: Some of you have stayed up until past 1am to read this report (the smarter ones of you just waited until you got a good night's sleep), and hopefully the show will help me deliver the goods. Rey Misterio Jr. vs. Tajiri for the Cruiserweight Title. Kurt Angle vs. The Undertaker for the WWE Title. And some McMahons as well, I'm sure.


Segment 1


Highlights of last week's triple threat match open the show, and they're set to some funky music.


Taped 9/2/2003 from the New Orleans Arena in New Orleans, Louisiana! Tonight, Kurt Angle defends the WWE Title against The Undertaker! Highlights of the Bourbon Street Bikini Contest!


One fall for the WWE Tag Team Championship: The APA vs. The World's Greatest Tag Team (champions)


WHOO HOO! Upgraded from Velocity Hell! The APA jump the champions before the bell. Bradshaw jumps Shaniqua--er, Benjamin on the outside as Faarooq gets a 2 count on Haas. The champs back in control, and they do their double team splash against the ropes. Benjamin with a chokehold and a cover for 2. Bodyslam. Tag to Haas, and both men stomp away at Faarooq. Series of crossfaces by Haas. Bearhug. Faarooq forearms out of it, but Haas gets in a double-leg for 2. Faarooq counters a flying bodypress with a powerslam. Bradshaw tags in and tackles both men. Clotheslines and shoulderblocks galore. Last Call to Benjamin. Boot to the face for Haas. Huge power bomb for a near fall. Shelton in, Faarooq tags in, double shoulderblock. Haas with a thumb to the eye. Faarooq spinebusters Haas, and Benjamin makes the save at 2. Blind tag, Faarooq goes for the Dominator, but Benjamin hits the superkick, and Bradshaw makes the save. Bradshaw with a boot to the face and an elbowdrop to Benjamin for 2. Clothesline from Hell, and Haas puts Shelton's foot on the bottom rope. Haas hits Bradshaw with the title belt, and Benjamin rolls Bradshaw up for the pin at 5:21. Not bad, but I liked their Velocity match better. *3/4


Eddy Guerrero is outside polishing his low rider as The Too Damn Big Show gets out of a limo with No Longer Able Sable and Mr. McAsshole. They acknowledge Eddy, but King Brock I comes in because he's angry that Show's with Vince. Vince hasn't wanted to talk to Brock since SummerSlam when he tapped out. Vince asks to take it to his office and let things calm down.



A decent enough opener that hopefully puts an end to the APA-WGTT feud for now, although that's not very likely due to the screwy finish. Their Velocity match seemed more energetic and less disjointed than this one did, but of course, this is the one everybody got to see.


As far as the backstage segment goes, why am I supposed to care who Vince McMahon aligns himself with? That would imply that I care about Vince McMahon, and I've made it perfectly clear that I don't. I guess the point was to play off of Brock tapping out at SummerSlam, but does Vince have to be on TV to do that?

Segment 2


We're in Vince's office, and he and Brock are arguing in the back. Things are getting worse, and Vince blames Brock, who only wants a phone call. Vince says he's disappointed in Brock because only Vince knows that Brock's a monster...and he slaps Brock. Uh oh. He calls Brock a monster about 65 more times just in case we didn't hear him the first time, then he tells Brock "Be a monster."


Promo time for John Cena, as he comes to the ring for a freestyle. Is Eddy waxing his car because it's dirty, or because Cena will steal it? Eddy can't see Cena, but Cena wants us to see the clips from last week where Cena did the ultimate postmatch beatdown on Eddy. That was "crazy like Madonna making out with Britney Spears". Cena used Eddy "like a ho from a Girls Gone Wild video shoot". He lets the crowd call Eddy a bitch, and that will bring Eddy out to the ring in his low rider. He charges the ring and tackles Cena, then starts laying in the punches. The brawl goes out to the floor, with Cena trying like hell to run, and he finally grabs the US title belt and levels Eddy with it. Then Cena steals Eddy's low rider! Even the Sharks and the Jets are thinking, "oh hell no!"


There's the tale of the tape for the main event.



I gotta admit, I am digging what we've seen of this Eddy-Cena feud. Cena's promos are great anyway, and now you've got Cena doing what nobody else has done before...beating Eddy at his own game of lying, cheating, and stealing. I question whether that should happen so soon into Eddy's reign, but I'm glad it's someone like Cena getting to do that as opposed to someone who completely sucks.


My guess is that Vince's segment with Brock will become somewhat noteworthy by the end of the show, most likely with the main event. You didn 't think it would end cleanly, did you?

Segment 3


During the break, Cena left the building in the low rider.


Live, Eddy is bitching to Stephanie McBitch about Cena stealing the low rider, and he wants Cena now. Steph says Cena's not coming back, but grants him whatever type of match he wants for next week...and Eddy chooses a Latino Street Fight in the parking lot.


One fall: Chris BeNOIT vs. A-Train


This is the rematch from last week's controversial finish where A-Train's foot was under the ropes. Interesting to note that Mike Sparks is the referee for this one despite blowing the call last week. Benoit is outpowered early, but keeps right on coming forward. Corner elbow by A-Train. Hard corner whip. Series of forearms to the back. Into a chinlock with a knee to the back. Elbowdrop to the back. Kick to the ribs. A-Train screams "You can't beat me" as he continues working on Benoit's back. Benoit starts fighting back, but one knee slows him down. Double-underhook suplex for 2. Into a bearhug as the "shave your back" chant begins. A-Train rams Benoit's back into the turnbuckle. Benoit comes back, and a series of running shoulderblocks...but A-Train blocks the third one with one of his own. Benoit is right back with a series of rolling German suplexes. Cut throat gesture, but A-Train rolls away from the Swan Dive Headbutt. Train Wreck, cover, but Benoit's under the bottom rope, so Sparks stops the count. A-Train bitches because being under the rope didn't matter last week. Benoit goes a Crippler Crossface, A-Train counters, which knocks the ref down. Benoit goes for it again, but in comes The Man Beast Rhyno, and Benoit side steps a Gore that ends up taking down A-Train. Benoit sends Rhyno over the top rope and covers A-Train for the pin at 5:31. **


Earlier tonight, The Undertaker says Kurt Angle is probably the best wrestler alive today and respects him for that, but he respects the title even more. Taker is willing to let his ankle break if he can win the title. He'll keep Angle on his feet to prevent the submissions, and if he can't beat Angle with a submission, he's got the Choke Slam and Last Ride.



Does this make Benoit look strong enough for everybody now? A-Train focused on the back and ribs, which were weakened after last week's post-match Gore, but Benoit kept finding ways to stay in the match before eventually outsmarting both of them and getting the win. I'd better not hear any meaningless bitching about that one.


I like the fact that we've already announced Eddy vs. Cena for next week, as it shows that at least there's a little bit of planning going on somewhere among creative.


I even liked the Taker promo, as it's making tonight's main event seem like a major deal. So how will they fuck it up tonight?

Segment 4


Still to come, Rey vs. Tajiri for the Cruiserweight Title.


Earlier today, Torrie Wilson and Nidia were getting ready for the bikini contest. Nidia stuffed her top. Torrie gave her some lessons in movement. Nidia rubbed lotion on Torrie's back and ass.


WWE Title match later tonight. Earlier today, My Olympic Hero meant it when he said he's honored to face The Undertaker, but he will make him tap. He wants a fight? He's got one, and tonight, Angle's leaving New Orleans the WWE Champion.


Vince and Show stand outside Steph's office, and something's being banged around in there, but Vince refuses to allow Steph in since Brock is taking care of some business.



Thoughts on all four paragraphs in order: Can't wait, pointless, great build, get the McMahons off TV. There you go, short and to the point.

Segment 5


One fall for the WWE Championship: The Undertaker vs. My Olympic Hero (champion)


The main event at the halfway point of the show? I don't like the sound of that. Of course, Taker got this shot by winning that triple threat match last week. Taker dislocated his wrist when he got tied up in the ropes last week, sayeth Michael Cole. Feeling out process to start. Tieup, Taker throws Angle to the mat. Angle grabs an arm, then a front facelock. Taker out with an arm wringer. Angle counters into a headlock, but Taker sends him into the ropes and shoulderblocks him down. Taker with an arm wringer, but Angle reverses. Headlock takedown, and Taker on the mat. Taker counters with a headscissor, but Angle out and into a headscissors. Taker with a hiptoss and a legdrop, and into a short arm scissors. Angle rolls Taker onto his shoulders for 2. A series of takedowns by Angle for a series of near falls. Angle with a standing wristlock. Taker uses his power to send Angle down and takes him down with an armdrag. Shoulderdrives, and up top for Old School. Corner whip, Angle with an elbow, and into rolling Germans. Taker blocks the third German, but Angle with a double leg cradle for 2...and Taker with a hard right hand. So much for that wrestling match, as Taker starts to turn this into a brawl by using mostly elbows and the guillotine legdrop off the ring apron. Both men on the floor. Taker with a kneelift. Into the ringpost goes Angle. Taker rolls in to break the count.



I'm quite pleased with the first six minutes of this one, as we saw something out of this that I didn't we'd see...some textbook wrestling. And the difference between this six minutes and six minutes on Raw? Cole and Tazz actually called the match and showed why each move means something. What will the last six minutes or so hold? Join me in finding out.

Segment 6


Taker with an elbow. And some stomps. Turnbuckle smash. Angle comes back with some punches of his own, but a knee stops it. Sleeperhold by Angle, but Angle doesn't have it on too well, as he's too far to the side to get full leverage on it. Taker breaks it with a waistlock suplex. Taker goes for a dragon sleeper, but Angle with a fireman's carry and a belly-to-belly suplex for a count of 1. Whip, reversal, Taker with a corner clothesline. And another. Snake eyes, big boot, but Angle avoids the legdrop and hooks in an Ankle Lock. Taker counters out of it, but Angle is right into the Angle Slam for...not quite enough for the pin. Down go the straps, but Taker counters the Angle Slam into a choke slam for a very near fall. Whoa, that was close. The crowd totally bought that as the finish. Taker wants the Last Ride, but Angle sunset flips out of it and rolls into the ankle lock. Taker counters into a Fujiwara armbar. Angle counters into a crucifix for 2 and goes back to the ankle lock. Taker eventually counters into a triangle choke. Remember the simultaneous pin/submission last year with this hold? Mike Choida checks the arm, and it drops three times, but he gets his foot on the bottom rope just before the third drop. Taker limping on the ankle. Angle ducks a boot, and Taker crotches himself, so Angle locks the ankle lock in while Taker's in the ropes. He lets go and charges, but Taker moves and Angle nearly kills himself on the ropes. Taker with an elbowdrop for 2. Taker with a series of punches, and holding Angle's singlet to keep him on his feet. Angle comes back with punches of his own, but charges and eats Taker's boot. Taker goes for a choke slam, but Angle counters with a Victory roll and goes back to the ankle lock. Taker teases tapping out but counters out if it. Taker with another choke slam, but he doesn't cover. Last Ride! And in comes Brock Lesnar with a steel chair to Taker, and that will give the challenger the DQ win at 19:37. ***1/2 Lesnar's not finished though, as he takes Angle out of the picture, then repeatedly uses the chair on Taker's weakened ankle. And he adds a title belt shot to Angle's head for good measure. Brock laughs as the "You tapped out" chant breaks out.



Now that was the perfect example of how outside interference can take away from a perfectly good match. Brock could have easily interfered when the match was over and achieved the same desired effect...putting himself over as a monster at the expense of Taker and Angle. It shouldn't take away from what happened the previous 19 minutes, but sadly, all anyone will remember is the interference and not the very good matchup that he interfered in. Amazing what a little psychology and motivation will do for a match, isn't it?

Segment 7


Moments ago, Brock tried to take the Taker out.


During the break, Taker was limping toward the back and collapsed. He refused help from referees and Michael Hayes.


Live, trainers are checking on Kurt Angle's eye.


We're in New Orleans for SmackDown, with the Cruiserweight Title on the line later on in front of members of the New Orleans Saints. Earlier tonight, we had the Bourbon Street Bikini Contest, and it featured Sable, Dawn Marie (she's still employed?), Nidia, and Torrie Wilson. Nidia low blows Tazz with some giant beads, and that's basically the only interesting thing about the segment. Torrie wins by a landslide because she's the only one who has been a face for more than a week. Afterwards, Shaniqua took out Torrie and Nidia. Thank God this was only a highlight package.


Backstage, the APA are disappointed, but Bradshaw's still got a surprise for Faarooq...a bow on the door of the APA office. And a doorbell. And a butler that Bradshaw won in a poker game. A butler that serves beer and cigars? "Well, I'll be damned."



If you care that the APA's back in business, then you probably enjoyed this segment. If you don't, you were probably too upset that the bikini contest was merely clips to care anyway. Me? I'm trying to figure out why a bikini contest means anything when you've already seen two of the contestants naked in the first place. This whole segment was filler.

Segment 8


One fall for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Rey Misterio Jr. (champion) vs. Tajiri


Tajiri earned this title shot by defeating Billy Kidman this weekend on Velocity. And you thought there was no point in ever watching that show. Shows what you know. Rey with a side headlock. Series of counters, ending with a stalemate and a round of applause. Tajiri with a series of kicks. Into the turnbuckle, then a series of forearms. Rey balances on Brian Hebner's shoulders to hit a satellite headscissors, but he immediately gets hit with a back kick by Tajiri. Rey tries very early for the 619, but Tajiri moves and hits a stiff kick to the kidneys. A brief brawl on the floor, and Tajiri rolls Rey in and covers for 2. Tajiri goes for a handspring elbow, but Rey catches him with a spinwheel kick to the back for 2. Both men are down...



So far, it's a faster pace than the Angle-Taker match, but it's not as psychologically sound. I'm not complaining, however.

Segment 9


Counter sequence ends with Tajiri hitting a single-arm DDT and going into a hammerlock. He adds a crossface to it. Rey elbows out and sends Tajiri to the floor. Out to the floor with a tope. Rey sends Tajiri into the ring, but Tajiri stops him when he gets to the top rope. Rey goes for a top rope power bomb, Tajiri fights it and goes for a kick, but Tajiri misses and gets his foot stuck on the top turnbuckle, so Rey kicks him in the thigh. Rey with a bulldog for 2. Springboard sitdown for 2. Tajiri regains control with a submission move, Rey rolls out of it, and Tajiri kicks Rey again for 2. Tajiri locks in the Tarantula. Buzzsaw Kick misses, and Rey kicks Tajiri into the ropes and connects with the 619. Springboard, but Tajiri gets the feet up. Tajiri with a Michinoku Driver for 2. Rey locks in a Tarantula of his own and then locks in a Victory roll for 2. Tajiri with a kick as Rey goes up top. Tajiri follows Rey up, Rey headbutts him off, and comes off the top with the West Coast Pop at 12:35. Good stuff as usual from these two. *** There's a handshake, but Tajiri uses the green mist. I guess that's a heel turn for Tajiri.



And that's the perfect example of how a clean finish can make the match seem even better. This was just a good matchup between two guys who wanted to be champion, and they put on one hell of a show as a result. I'd like to see a rematch that had more "strategy" employed to it, but still some really good stuff here.

Segment 10


The Rock gives a tour of the set of The Runaround.


Oh boy, Vince and The Big Show! Smell the ratings go down the toilet! Vince claims it's too bad the title match ended in controversy. "Asshole" chant that Vince claims is for Big Show. But controversy will not reign when Angle defends the title two weeks from tonight against Brock Lesnar in a one hour Ironman Match. Holy shit, dude! I am fucking there! Vince introduces us to Brock Lesnar, but Brock doesn't come out. In fact, he's in a skybox. What was Brock taking care of in Stephanie's office? Before he tells us, he thaks Vince for the slap and the reminder that he's a monster. After all, he took care of Taker and Angle. And before that...he tells someone at random to sit down...and a certain someone had to be here today or be fired, and did some talking with that somebody earlier today...Zach Gowen. He was actually sitting on him. Zach's not talking since he's tied to a wheelchair and gagged, but Brock "interviews" him anyway. It's a special wheelchair...jet-powered, afterburners, everything. Brock excuses himself to attend to some business, and he's going to prove Vince brought out the monster in him. We follow Brock and Zach backstage, and they're at the top of a staircase...take a good long look...that's a long way down. Brock tosses the chair backwards and not down the stairs. Brock tells Zach to run, but since his leg is "broken", it's more of a slow crawl...so Brock kicks him for not being fast enough. Then he kicks him because Zach's leg hurts. It's a magical wheelchair...it flies. He sets Zach into the wheelchair. Vince tries to talk sense into Brock, but Brock sends Zach flying down the stairs anyway.



I guess the main point of this was to show that Brock is so incensed with regaining the WWE Title that he's willing to do anything to regain it...and that means shoving a man with one false leg and one broken leg down a staircase for no other reason except the staircase was there. What I do like about this is that even Vince McMahon tried to tell Brock that it was going too far, and Brock didn't seem to care. What could that mean in two weeks?


Overall, a show pretty much on par with last week's. Only four matches, but none of them under five minutes, and two of them being quite good. One improvement from last week was the fact that most of the angles made sense, and we not only have a match for next week, but we can use next week's show to build for the following week, as that main event is also set. WWE. Actual planning. Who would have thunk it? One downside...we went back to the Vince McMahon Variety Hour this week, as he was in four or five segments. At least he didn't overshadow Brock Lesnar this week. Another downside: What is with all of these unexplained turns lately? Eddy by default last week, and now Tajiri, who apparently turned heel simply because he lost.


Next week, a short recap as it's the 90-minute special leading to the debut of the Mullets (which I won't be watching, so don't ask me to). But it's Cena vs. Eddy and I'm not supposed to work, so join me, won't you?


Send me some feedback at my new (and hopefully temporary) address by clicking this link.

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