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On-Site Report: UWC Off the Hook (9/6/2003)

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Guest TSMAdmin

On-site Report: UWC Off the Hook (9/6/2003)

by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins


Before I get this started, I was watching the Browns game against the Colts today (through the magic of videotape), and there's one thing I don't understand about football and probably never will. On third down and long, most teams will throw short passes and hope for some yards after the catch because you don't have a lot of plays designed to get you 15 yards or more. But how in the hell could the Browns run plays designed to get 20 yards on more in situations like 1st and 10 or 2nd and 12, then run screen passes on 3rd and 8 instead of running a curl pattern or something designed to get 10 yards? That annoys the hell out of me everytime I see that, and I see that every week during the NFL season in pretty much every game I watch.


Also, it's time to review the "roughing the passer" calls resulting from a minor tap to the head. I'm all for protecting the quarterback, but there was one time in the first quarter where the call went against the Colts when the "shot to the head" was so weak that it was embarrassing. My grandmother used to hit me harder than that when she patted my head and said "My, have you grown!"


But if you're reading this, you're probably not reading it for my complaining about the Browns playing really bad football (don't get me started about the defense on third and long) and want to read some wrestling coverage. I've covered seven out of the nine tapings for UWC Ripped over at www.thesmartmarks.com, as well as the last three over at "Your Rolemodel" Ric Lieb's official website, and the last two months of TV all came to a thrilling climax this weekend at North High School in Akron, Ohio. Let's take a look as the UWC went Off the Hook.


A funny moment before the show even starts, as "The Champ" John Potok tries to throw a rope over the rafters of the gym without any sort of weight attached to it, and therefore doesn't get even close. He finally gets a nearly full bottle of Gatorade and tosses it up, and it goes over the rafters...and gets hooked to one of the overhead lights. The third attempt finally works, and they hang the Heavyweight Title belt over it.


Ring announcer Paul "The Kovedogg" Kover comes to the ring at 7:15 wearing a blue polyester suit that looks like Jim Cornette decided to start doing some pimping, and he brings out the broadcast team of Chris the Brain and Dan Mason. They run down the lineup with Mason making one-liners throughout the segment, including one that Ric Lieb "has taken more shots to the head than that kid from Baylor over the last few weeks" leading up to the lumberjack platter match.


The broadcasters take their seats, and now it's time for the entire Inner Circle to come to the ring for the opening promo. Sex Symbol Keith Young claims that not only will The Shadows of Darkness retain their Tag Team Championships, but Jason Thunder will leave with the Hardcore Extreme Title.


It's finally time for the first match, as Three of the Four Henchmen make their way to the ring. They're announcing their new fourth member tonight, but not right now because "Your Rolemodel" Ric Lieb doesn't appreciate the crowd's "you suck" chant. He's received applications from many in the wrestling world about being the new fourth member. Lex Luger even applied, "and although he is a lady killer", he's not quite what they're looking for. But the real reason they're out here right now: How can a man the size of Vinn Wilder, who is the next big thing of the UWC, not even have a match? They issue an open challenge...


"The Black Superman" Vinn Wilder (w/Rip Cripple and "Your Rolemodel" Ric Lieb) vs. "Happy" Mike Smiley


You could have put this on pretty much any episode of Ripped and gotten the same effect out of it. Wilder dominates Smiley, picking him up after several two counts, then finally hits the Black Kryptonite for the pin in 2:44.


Justin Bradley vs. Sirob Draga


This was almost too short even for an episode of Ripped. Draga dominates and gets the easy win followingthe spear at 1:22.


It is now time to announce who the new assitant to the president is, so let's bring out UWC President Bo Smirnow. He's looked through all the applications and has found the best possible candidate...and Dan Mason tells Smirnow to say no more, as he knows where this is going. Obviously, only one man is qualified, and of course it's Dan Mason, so his first proclamation as vice president...um, wait Dan, it's not you. It's Eugene Kim. Kim comes out as the crowd gives a collective "Who in the bloody hell is Eugene Kim?" Mason complains, and Smirnow says that not only did he look at Mason's resume, but he also looked at his contract, which still has three matches on it. So Mason has about two minutes to go to the back and get ready, because he's in the Hardcore Battle Royal. Mason says that's fine, because he won the last battle royal he was in.


Chef Meeker Invitational Hardcore Battle Royal for the UWC Hardcore Extreme Championship


This has been set up on the last several episodes of Ripped, as Meeker (the champion coming in) originally accepted a challenge from Jason Thunder, then decided to start inviting people at random to join as well.


A couple of things of note during this one. Dan Mason got squashed by Chef Meeker early and hid under the ring at his first possible opportunity. Also, Wilbur Whitlock did a number on The Purple Hooter out on the floor, but with neither man being eliminated. I missed Mardi Gras being eliminated altogether (but he didn't last long), but the order of elimination that I have is Mike Smiley, The Go Go Boy, Wrecking Ball, Super Sydal, and Rip Cripple, leaving a final five of Meeker, Thunder, Whitlock (all in the ring), Mason (hiding under the ring), and Hooter (out cold on the floor). Thunder and Whitlock double team Meeker. Thunder comes off the top with a guillotine legdrop. Whitlock heads up top, and Thunder knocks him off the turnbuckle for the elimination. Meeker quickly eliminates Thunder and thinks he's won, but in comes Dan Mason, who throws some of Meeker's own salt into his eyes and shoves him over the top rope. Now it's Mason's turn to celebrate, but Hooter hops on the apron and drinks some Purple Juice. Mason asks for some, Hooter tosses it high into the air, choke slams Mason, and throws him over the top rope to win the championship at 6:58. Meeker comes in to hug Hooter, and it's celebrate good times, come on! I love cheesy 80s references.


Intermission time, and just before going back to the show they draw the winning raffle tickets. Eight prizes in all, with the most appealing one being an autographed picture of Ric Flair. I had visions of winning the autographed picture of Test (and I'd have sent it to TSM's own Matt Ditaliano as a rib), but wound up winning a party for 24 at Jillian's and a set of his and hers watches. Not bad for five bucks, huh?


Lumberjack Platter Match: "Your Rolemodel" Ric Lieb vs. Timebomb Fred Potok


Potok defeated Rip Cripple back on July 22 to earn a match with Lieb, which was originally scheduled to be a steel cage match. Since then, they've been hitting each other with silver platters at pretty much every opportunity, so here's the blowoff. Among the lumberjacks: Mike Smiley, The Purple Hooter, Mardi Gras, "High Impact" Bret Myers, Virus, Keith Young, Animal (making his return after about a seven week absence), Jason Thunder, and fellow Henchmen Rip Cripple and Vinn Wilder. My apologies if I forgot anybody. The rules: If you go to the outside, the lumberjacks beat the crap out of you with platters until you reenter the ring.


Potok is the first one sent out to the floor, and by the time the heels are done beating on him, he has already been busted wide open (call it 0.4 Muta). Lieb opens up the cut and actually licks the blood off of his hand. Disgusting. I love it. Potok eventually makes a comeback and sends Lieb to the floor, and after the assault from the faces (including a wicked looking shot from Smiley in what was probably his lone offensive move the entire show) Lieb is busted open. The action is back-and-forth, as Timebomb makes another comeback. He hits a power bomb and covers, but gets up at 2. Then it's the Timebomb Claw (gimmick infringement! He's not a Von Erich!), and Wilder hops onto the apron. Animal hops into the ring and runs Wilder off...then attacks Timebomb. That gives Timebomb a disqualification win at 10:31, and the faces run off the heels as Lieb raises Animal's hand. Animal is the newest member of the Four Henchmen. It seemed pretty obvious when Animal hopped into the ring, but the crowd seemed to buy into it. Good match.


For the UWC Television Championship: Phattie Dattie vs."Superstar" Justin Dreams (champion)


Dattie's postmatch run-in following Dreams' title win on July 8 started this one, which was basically a war of words for the most part. Dattie did get two pins over Dreams leading up to this one: Once in a tag team match on July 15, and again on August 26 as the masked Long Ding Dong.


But the match nearly doesn't happen, as Dreams comes to the ring on a crutch and limps into the ring. (Dreams was seen limping outside the gym before the show as well.) He apologizes and says he can't wrestle, even though at one point he's limping without the crutch. Phattie Dattie charges when Dreams in on the apron, but Dreams hops off and starts limping to the back. But wait, says President Smirnow! Dreams didn't provide a doctor's note, so if he doesn't wrestle, it's a forfeit.


So Dreams enters the ring at 9, attacks Dattie, and takes him out on the outside, and THEN the bell rings. What follows is probably the match of the night, as Dreams controls most of the first six or seven minutes. Dattie finally makes the comeback, hitting a magistral cradle for such a close near fall that the TV taping regulars started a "That was three" chant. Dattie hits a flapjack, and Dreams just barely grabs the ropes to prevent the pin. Dattie goes for an inverted suplex into a slam, but Dreams' feet hit the referee, and the ref is out cold. Dattie hits the move and covers, and around what would have been eight, he goes to check on the ref. Dreams knocks Dattie down and grabs his mailbox, but Dattie avoids the shot and connects with a superkick. Another cover, but the ref is still down. The referee finally wakes up, but not before Dreams connects with the mailbox. A three count later, and Dreams retains at 10:17.


Three Way Dance for the UWC Tag Team Championship: Feature Presentation (w/Tim Shady) vs. "High Impact" Bret Myers and Virus vs. The Shadows of Darkness (champions--w/Sex Symbol Keith Young and Selena)


Quite honestly, this is one match that I could barely keep track of the setup for. Mikey Showtime was looking for a new partner after his team with Justin Dreams split up at Final Exam 2, so he chose Atlantis, who turned on Virus when he and Virus were scheduled to face Showtime and a mystery partner. The champions became involved when Myers and Darkstar were forced to team against Feature Presentation, but Darkstar left Myers to the wolves.


Myers and Atlantis start it with an indy staple, the pinfall counter sequence, but it runs way too slow, so when they stand up for the stalemate applause, they don't get it. It then goes to Darkstar and Virus, who do an outstanding sequence of martial arts and wrestling counters that ends with Virus getting a satellite headscissors and a huge pop from the crowd. This match is pretty good, and eventually we're all out to the floor, and you get another staple of the tag team three way: the series of planchas and suicide dives on the floor. Following that, Showtime rolls Virus into the ring...and the bell rings? What the...? Myers and Virus win via countout at 10:13, but the Shadows of Darkness retain the titles. That lame finish automatically disqualifies it from Match of the Night honors, as they just spent about three minutes on the floor before that without the referee even making a count. Good before that though.


TLC Match for the UWC Heavyweight Championship: "The Champ" John Potok vs. Tack


They were scheduled to face each other back at the second TV taping on July 15, but due to a "shoulder injury" to Potok, it was turned into a tag team match. Shortly thereafter, Potok signed the contract for this one without reading the fine print, so the odds seemed stacked in Tack's favor. The final scene on the previous week's TV, however, saw Potok, with the help of Feature Presentation, putting Tack through a table.


Before the match, Kovedogg tells us to leave the wrestlers alone if they go to the floor because we don't want either of them hurt. What about me? The match begins, and they don't waste too much brawling into the bleachers, with the Champ sending Tack tumbling down a la Mick Foley in Halftime Heat. At one point Champ tells the fans in one section to move because he's going to whip Tack in...then he reverses field and whips Tack into the ring apron. Classic heel tactic there! The turning point comes when Tack sets Potok up for what appears to be a Van Terminator. He only jumps halfway and comes in with a knee...which he immediately clutches in agony. This appears legit, as the Champ asked Tack "are you sure you want to go" on at least one occasion. Tack even had a referee go to the back for some tape so he could tape his knee a la Sabu's arm. To make matters worse, they used what I call a "Triple H Table", as it simply refused to break and, as such, held the match down. Feature Presentation eventually comes down to help Potok, which brings out Bret Myers and Virus to make a save, and the sides are even again. The finish comes with both men on top of the ladder. They each reach for the belt and get stopped by a punch until one of Tack's punches sends the Champ tumbling to the mat, enabling Tack to grab the belt and retain the title in 28:47. This started off well but never recovered once Tack started favoring his knee.


Very good show overall, particularly the second half. My biggest gripe was with the crowd, because with a few exceptions it was just the TV regulars that were really getting into the show and getting riled up. Part of that is because the TV's just started two months ago, so for the most part a lot of these people have no idea who anybody is. Hopefully by the next card at North High School, they'll be more rowdy.


The next card at North High School is "Extreme Halloween" on November 1, and I'm sure I'll be there to bring you the action. And I'm sure I'll bring you the action this Tuesday when they tape the next edition of UWC Ripped, so join me then, won't you?


Until then, drop me a line at the temporary address.

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