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SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (9/11/2003)

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Guest TSMAdmin

SmackDown from JHawk's Beak (9/11/2003)

by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins


NOTE: Due to certain content, especially before the actual recap starts, parental discretion is advised. You have been warned.


E-Mail of the Week: An AOL user who didn't give me a name had this to say about last week's main event:


I thought the finish in the Undertaker-Kurt Angle match was good. It took away from the match, but if Brock didn't interfere Undertaker would have won fairly, and Kurt would have lost overness.


I didn't realize EWR 4.0 did road agents notes for internet reviewers. But with Kurt's personality, I'm sure he'd be able to bounce back easily enough. And by the way, who says Kurt couldn't kick out of one finisher when Undertaker broke the Ankle Lock four times and kicked out of the Angle Slam once. That's five finishers broken by the Undertaker, so it makes sense that Angle could break one.


Oh yeah. Making sense. WWE. I forgot.



Forums Quote of the Week: The RIAA has been sending out subpoenas and suing people who are downloading music, and Rico Constantino posted this and gave me the laugh of the week. Due to the size of the graphic that comes with the post, I'm just going to link to page 2 of the thread so you can read this recap without scrolling to the side, but trust me, this cartoon is worth clicking the link. It's near the bottom of the page.



Tonight: Eddie Guerrero meets John Cena in a "Latino Street Fight" parking lot brawl, plus a main event that has absolutely no business being on any wrestling program. But hey, The Mullets debuts at 9:30, so it's a 90-minute special, so...that makes it even more inexcusable, you jackasses!

Segment 1


A brief 9/11 message for those of you who haven't felt it's been shoved down your throats yet.


Taped 9/9/2003 from the Birmingham Jefferson Civic Center in Brimingham, Alabama. Michael Coleslaw and Tazz ringside, and in the parking lot, referee Brian Hebner prepares for the Latino Heat Parking Lot Brawl!


Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: Rey Misterio Jr. (WWE Cruiserweight Champion) and Mr. Torrie Wilson vs. Tajiri and Nunzio


Tajiri turned heel after his match with Rey last week, setting up this one. Nunzio lost to Rey the week before. Kidman just happens to team with Rey, so we just happen to have this match. Nunzio and Rey start. Flying headscissors by Rey. Kidman tags in and gets a slingshot roll up for 1. Giant swing with a Rey dropkick, and Kidman covers for 2. Double team by the heels, and Nunzio covers for 2. Tajiri in, and a snap suplex gets 2. Bodyslam. Kneedrop for 2. Turnbuckle smash. Tag to Nunzio. Snap mare. Kneedrop. Reverse chinlock. Kidman with elbows, but Nunzio's jawbreaker stops the comeback. Kidman with a standing dropkick. Tag to Tajiri, who forearms Rey to prevent the hot tag. Kidman with a back suplex. Tajiri with kicks. Kidman counters a tornado DDT with the BK Bomb, and both men are down. Hot tag to Rey, who gets the seated senton. Springboard bodyblock for 2. Armdrag takedown into a crucifix for 2. All four men in the ring. Rey ducks a handspring elbow and gets a 619 to the back. Missing a conventional 619, and Tajiri gets the Buzzsaw Kick for the pin at 4:20. Too short to do the formula and get it over properly, but still pretty good. **1/2 Postmatch, Tajiri gets a belt shot to Rey's head.


Mr. McAsshole is on a cell phone while hitting on No Longer Able Sable while The Too Damn Big Show stands behind them. They're going to send candy to Zach Gowen, and in comes Stephanie McBitch to see if Vince is proud of what happened to Zach. Steph recaps it for those who missed it, and Vince denies any knowledge of setting up Zach's Chevy Chase impression. Steph doesn't believe it and says Brock's a liability to SmackDown and should be in jail. Of course, King Brock I is standing behind her, so Steph decides to taunt him to his face. Brock says he's winning the title in next week's Ironman Match, but he needs a warmup match for tonight. Brock wants to face Kurt Angle, The Undertaker, and Zach Gowen in one match. Of course, none of them are actually here. Brock turns down matches with Show and Vince (and Sable), so he challenges Steph. I'd say "You're shitting me", but Vince says "Think about the ratings" and signs the match. Unless, of course, Steph wants to resign. He didn't think too hard about the ratings, did he?



So there's your match that has no business being on the show, and I refuse to comment anymore on that travesty than I absolutely have to. I will, however, comment on the swank tag team match that was about eight minutes too short. They crammed a ton of hot action into that little four minute block, and Tajiri pins the Cruiserweight Champion to apparently set up another title match between the two. If they do what they did last week, I'm willing to see that one. That's gonna be fun. Good opener, but the overly long backstage skit kills the segment overall.

Segment 2


Nidia asks Torrie Wilson to talk to Dawn Marie. Nidia asks why she wants this match, and Dawn says Shaniqua can't just do what she wants, when she wants.


Women's contest scheduled for one fall: Shaniqua vs. Dawn Marie


Those of you who hate the women's division, just think: That's on that other show. Meaning this is going to suck worse. Scary, isn't it? Dawn gets a shot to the midsection before the bell, but Shaniqua nearly clotheslines Dawn's head off. Out to the floor goes Dawn, and Shaniqua follows...guillotine drop onto the guardrail. In and out to break the count. Into the steel steps. Back into the ring. Shaniqua grabs a chair. Nidia and Torrie attack from behind, and the bell rings at 1:26. Shaniqua clotheslines Nidia, but Torrie hits her with the chair and rolls Dawn to the floor. Um...Shaniqua shoved the ref, but there was outside interference, so who knows who actually won? And who cares, for that matter? DUD


Chris Benoit vs. Rhyno next.



Yeah, Shaniqua's a monster. We get it. Too bad she's got a clothesline and not much else. This is why Jake and Kenny should have won Tough Enough 2 instead. Yeah, she can clothesline a non-wrestler. Wow, she must be a badass!

Segment 3


Steph is backstage, but here comes Sable to shove the "wrestle or quit" stipulation down on throats. Sable urges her to quit because she thinks she'll replace Steph. Sadly, we could lose Steph and still downgrade the show.


Brock-Angle Ironman Match next week!


One fall: Chris BeNOIT vs. The Man Beast Rhyno


I'm not The Dames, so I'll just say Rhyno turned on Benoit at Vengeance and recently attacked Benoit during his series of matches with A-Train to set this one up. Rhyno with a side headlock. Knee to the midsection. Benoit with a top wristlock and a takedown. Quickly into the Crippler Crossface, but Rhyno reaches the ropes. Forearm smashes. Corner whip. Snap suplex. Turnbuckle smash. Chops. Short clothesline. Rhyno with a thumb to the eye, then he drapes Benoit's neck over the middle rope. Benoit rolls to the floor...and A-Train runs in and rams Benoit into the post. Rolled in, and Rhyno covers twice for near falls, but Benoit kicks out. Rhyno argues with referee Mike Chioda...



Um...that's an odd place for a commercial break...hmm...and I was hoping A-Train's use in this feud was over and done with...

Segment 4


And we return from the world's longest commercial break with Rhyno superplexing Benoit for 2. Stomp. Boot choke. Stomp. Tying Benoit in the Tree of Woe, and a series of kicks to the midsection. Upside down Gore. Cover for 2. Sharpshooter, and give him credit. It's better than The Rock's. Benoit reaches the ropes. Short clothesline. Benoit avoids a short clothesline and goes into his own Sharpshooter. Rhyno reaches the ropes. Turnbuckle smash. Rhyno with an elbow, but Benoit hits the release German (or a belly-to-back suplex for you old school types). Benoit up top, but Rhyno is waiting on him. Another suplex attempt, but Benoit counters into a sunset power bomb for 2. Rhyno takes a charging Benoit down with a spinebuster. Rhyno sets up the Gore...and Benoit counters with the Crippler Crossface for the submission at 12:02. Good stuff here. ***1/4


We've got a poker game in the APA office as Bradshaw sends Bruce out for beer. Matt Hardy v. 1.0 is complaining about Bruce's treatment as Shannon Moore v. 0.75 gets his orange juice...and forgot his extra pulp. Matt suggests the APA join AA, and Bradshaw tells Matt to get Shannon out of his ass. We get a tag match for after the parking lot brawl out of this. Then Bradshaw toasts those who were involved in 9/11.


John Cena makes sure there are no rules in the parking lot brawl, which is apparently next.



My only complaint with the actual match is throwing A-Train out there for no real purpose except there not being enough time to put him on the show otherwise. OK, so it ties in to their matches the past two weeks, but since the match went another six minutes or so (not counting the commercial) after that, then I fail to see what the point was. But at least Benoit gets the clean win, which hopefully prevents the "OMG Benoit's getting buried!" talk in the message boards for a week.

Segment 5


Parking Lot Brawl: John Cena vs. Eddy Guerrero (WWE United States Champion)


Two weeks ago, Eddy retained the title against Cena but got an FU on a tire for his troubles. Last week, Cena stole Eddy's low rider, so Stephanie McMahon allowed Eddy to pick his match for this week. Cena cuts a freestyle, offering Eddy one last chance to back out and inferring he uses the stick shift to masturbate. I'm not making this up. Eddy arrives in a low rider.


Eddy uses the title belt to get things underway. They trade punches, and Cena rams Eddy's face into the hood of a car. Into another car hood. Eddy comes back and sends Cena into a hood. Eddy tries a suplex off a car, but Cena reverses and suplexes Eddy onto the roof. A couple of punches, and Eddy pulls a lawn mower out of a minivan. He tries to ram it into Eddy, but Eddy avoids it. Cena shoves Eddy into a car. Cena tries to use a shovel, but Eddy avoids it. Flapjack into a hood. This time Cena avoids a shovel shot. Eddy chokes Cena with a seatbelt. Knees to the face. Eddy opens a trunk, and Cena with a kick. Cena shoves Eddy into the trunk and closes it...and Eddy opens it from the inside and knocks Cena down. Cena throws Eddy into a windshield. Cover on top of a car for 2. Cena slams a car door onto Eddy's shoulder and covers for 2. Cena tries to kick the door into Eddy's face, but Eddy moves and sends Cena face first through a window. Cena fights back and puts Eddy face first through a window. Cover for 2. Eddy coming back. Cena goes into a car, Eddy in after him, and he rams Cena's head into the horn. Cigarette lighter to the nipple! Eddy turns the windshield wipers on while Cena lays on the windshield. Cena backdrops Eddy into a hood and covers for 2. Cena goes for the FU, but Eddy avoids it and hiptosses Cena onto a hood. Chavo Guerrero Jr. returns to attack Cena from behind, and Eddy hits a frog splash from the roof of one car to the hood of another for the pin at 8:13. ** Los Guerreros celebrate while Eddy complains of a headache.



One of my guilty pleasure favorite matches is the Fit Finlay-Lord Steven Regal parking lot brawl from Nitro in 1996. This one wasn't that good, as I didn't get the same feeling of hatred between these two. As a result, there wasn't nearly as much intensity as needed. That's a shame, as I'm willing to bet we could get some really good stuff in a more traditional setting. Still, they showed some innovative stuff, and it's great to see Chavo back after a four month absence. I'm assuming both men are onto new feuds now.

Segment 6


Tag Team Contest scheduled for one fall: The APA vs. Matt Hardy v. 1.0 and Shannon Moore v. 0.75


Matt Facts: "Matt rarely uses turn signals" and "Matt's entertainment system requires five remotes". Faarooq and Moore start. Moore with a weak forearm to the back. Shove. Another shove, and damn that was stupid, as Faarooq begins to take control. Quick tag to Hardy. Hardy charges and is taken down with a powerslam. Tag to Bradshaw. Shoulderblock. Vertical suplex for 2. Forearm to the back. Hardy with a thumb to the eye and a tag to Moore. Moore charges and does no damage to Bradshaw. Bradshaw with Last Call to Moore and a boot to Hardy. Elbowsmash. Elbowdrop for 2. Over the top goes Matt. Bradshaw goes for a power bomb, but Hardy is off the top with a clothesline, and Moore gets a cradle for a near fall. Bradshaw gets the Clothesline from Hell about 10 seconds later to pin Moore at 3:11. *1/4 Out comes Bruce, and he delivers some beer on one of those fancy serving trays. I think Bruce is more over than Faarooq and Bradshaw right now.


Your hosts do a hard sell for next week's one hour Ironman Match, and here's a video package to hype it while we're at it.


Steph vs. Brock. NEXT!



I'm glad Matt Hardy acutally got in the show this week, but for the life of me I don't know why they didn't just stick this three minutes onto the opening tag match. Or even better, take out the APA and put that Ultimo Dragon and Funaki team into this one. That would have been a kickass match! Inoffensive unless you REALLY hate Bradshaw.

Segment 7


Just signed for next week: Shaniqua vs. Torrie and Nidia. Um...thank God for the Ironman Match, which we get a quick hype job in for.


Vinnie Mac is in the ring, and he introduces Brock Lesnar. It's decision time for Stephanie McMahon: Quit or die? OK, so she might live...but would she want to? After all, she's marrying Triple H next month. She's in her wrestling gear. Vince again gives her the option, but Steph says she isn't quitting. Vince is more upset about Steph defying her than anything...and why is the crowd popping? They must be censoring an asshole chant. Brock charges with a chokehold...


King Brock I vs. Stephanie McBitch


...and Steph counters with a low blow. She runs, but Vince keeps her in the ring...and she low blows Vince. She runs again, but Brock grabs her and keeps her at ringside. Into the barricade she goes. Brock tells Steph she's going straight into the steps. He throws them, and Steph runs for her life. Steph takes off running with Brock in pursuit. In the ring, Vince grabs his nuts...I wouldn't mention it except that was all we saw for like 30 seconds...and Brock has Steph on his shoulders and is carrying her to the ring. Brock goes for the F5 into the post, but here comes My Olympic Hero to make the save. A series of ringpost shots, and Angle grabs the steps. Brock and Vince as Angle throws the steps and misses. Angle calls Brock out as we fade out.



No opening bell, no rating. And even though it was designed to hype next week's Ironman Match, I still call it a pointless segment. What was the point other than to stick more McMahons on TV for a longer period of time? Is Steph really popular enough that we can make her the damsel in distress and have Angle be her knight in shining armor? Wouldn't that have worked better about three years ago when that was actually the storyline?


Overall, while there was some decent stuff on this show, this was basically the definition of a throwaway show. Sure, the Eddy-Cena and Benoit-Rhyno feuds apparently got blown off (which I'll believe when they don't mention them next week, for the record), but this was really "The Mullets are next and we don't want to see it either, so let's just throw some random stuff out here and hope we get something out of it." I mean, the show didn't really suck, but it wasn't really good either.


Might be worth a replay or tape-delayed broadcast for the parking lot brawl if you've never seen one. Other than that, just wait for the Ironman Match next week.


And it might be worth e-mailing me your feedback if you have any thoughts on this show.

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