"Booyah!"

[A Happy Medium 0]

OOC: I used to be better at matches than promos. I rely on humor (hopefully good) to make my promos readable. Enjoy.

 

 

Promo: “Whatever happened to Archibald Griffon?”

 

“And we’re back, SWF fanatics! Just reminders … our sponsors for this show are the great people at the Scooter Store. Crippled? Morbidly obese? Or, are you just plain old? Call the Scooter Store today and return to your prior mobility, with no cost to you!” says Ben Hardy, host of the obscure SWF Total Livewire Unlimited show that runs at two o’clock in the morning on certain network affiliates.

 

“I’m here with the former SJL lower card specialist The Lost Soul. Soul, it is great to have you with us today,” says Hardy.

 

“It is great to be here. I…” Soul is cut-off.

 

“So how is that eating disorder going, Soul? Our keen viewers of this program perhaps remember you as the seven-foot, four inch, two hundred pound monster! I believe the Exploding Chicken once labeled you as “tall, dark, and lanky,” says Hardy.

 

“I only weigh one hundred and ninety pounds now. I do not have an eating disorder. I love being a vegan. I am free of the machine, and I can fit into tight spaces!” exclaims Soul.

 

“On the topic of vegans; it has been criticized by the possibility that followers of the lifestyle have vitamin deficiencies. Have you felt any of this?” Hardy asks.

 

“Just a deficiency of iron, protein, calcium, DHA, iodine, and intelligence,” says Soul with a tired grin on his skinny face.

 

“Okay….well; let’s take a call from one of our viewers. Welcome to the show, John Doe from Denver.

 

A familiar voice crackles into the television. The man sounds much like SWF wrestler Manson.

 

“Ben. Whatever happened to Archie Griffon? I tried to get him to com – I mean, I heard he was suspended,” says the voice.

 

“That is a great question. Ironically enough, our amazing production staff has put together a re-enactment starring Chuck Norris as Arch Griffon. Unfortunately, Chuck did not shave off his beard for this role, as he threatened the entire SWF office in Cleveland with roundhouse kicks. The role of Tom Flesher is played by the veteran Brian Cox. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this re-enactment,” says Ben Hardy.

 

The image of the modest studio with its two hosts fades away into a screen of black. The screen comes back to life with the image of…Delle Alpi Stadium in Torino, Italy? The arena is the home of Juventus, a tremendous soccer based out of the Alps. The field is already set up, and in the middle of it stands two men. Both men stretch to fit the characters, and look very lost in the arena. They are so lost that they only way to tell the folks who they are is that Norris wears an Arch Griffon t-shirt, while Cox wears a Tom Flesher t-shirt. The date July 12, 2005 flashes onto the screen.

 

“Arch, I’m going to go to my office for a few minutes. I want you to stay here and observe the stadium. We have a big show tomorrow. Don’t uhm…roundhouse kick anybody or else you are suspended indefinitely” says Flesher with absolutely no conviction in his voice.

 

“Sure thing,” says Griffon, his eyes focused on something, somewhere in the distance. Flesher limps off and leaves Griffon on the pitch. Just as Flesher leaves, evil ninjas repel down from the top of the open-air stadium. It’s hard to tell that they are evil, as their outfits are in pastel green. They quickly creep up on the unsuspecting Griffon, who is smoking a cigarette, and still staring off into his special place.

 

The small group of four ninjas creeps up on Griffon from behind. Finally, one ninja attacks Arch from behind. The masked evil-doer goes for a spinning back kick on the slimmed down version of Archie. However, the bearded Griffon ducks out of the way, and comes back at the ninja with a roundhouse kick that shatters the window of the press boxes nearby (no, really, the roundhouse kicks does that much). The ninja has no chance as his head is knocked clean off and flies passed the remaining three ninjas and goes through the goal, forcing the netting to come off the bars and ground and fly through a few rows. The goal posts and crossbar somehow fly high into the air above the stadium, and then come plummeting back down to earth. A shell-shocked ninja is not a fair match for the crossbar, is the bar comes down and drives him down into the turf, taking him out of picture. Only two ninjas remain.

 

Griffon turns back towards the ninjas. “Pardon?” he asks. “I’ll take him!” says one of the ninjas. The voice is that of a female. The other green ninja takes a step and lets his ninja teammate do as she pleases. Before she can do anything, Arch points a finger at her and says, “booyah!” Her legs turn to jelly and she collapses to the ground in an unconscious orgasmic bliss.

 

“That was my girlfriend! You die now!” yells the final ninja as he comes forward towards Griffon. Archie hits him in the face with a straight right and knocks the man unconscious. The battle looks to be over, until Archie stares at a point behind the camera, where a man can definitely be heard screaming.

 

“Damnit, Chuck! You did nothing that Griffon did. Quick piledriver the kid and lets get this over with!” screams what could be the director.

 

Quickly, Griffon picks up the last ninja and cradle piledrives him into the turf. An audible snap is heard.

 

“Chuck! Great! You just broke the kid’s neck! Good thing he signed that waiver,” says the director, sounding like his hair is falling out.

 

“GGGRRIFFFONN!!” yells Commissioner Flesher after seeing the destruction that Griffon caused. “You are suspended!”

 

Griffon gives him an awe shucks look as we fade to black. We then return to the original studio.

 

“I hope that answered your question, John,” says Hardy.

 

“No. No, it didn’t,” replies Manson.

 

<FADE TO BLACK>