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Sports. Bitching. Porn. More bitching. Etc...

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83. Things that PISS ME OFF. Part III.

83.   Randall Orton.   Why does he have to be such an asshole and keep fucking up? He doesn't need to add fuel to the many hater's fire.   Be hot. Do your job.   Or, better yet. Get out of wrestling and do porn. He'd be perfect there. Plus, I could watch him more regularly.  

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16. WM thoughts.

Before I go to the baseball game to make babies with A-Rod, I figured I'd throw in some filler!   John Cena (Champion) vs HHH - WWE Title Match - Ugh, what a horrible decision for Raw's title match. HHH is obviously winning. The only hopeful positive out of this match is that Cena turns heel afterwards. However, the problem with that is he'll be stuck as 2nd heel behind HHH, which is a deep, dark abyss of no hope. Match will probably be way too long, as usual with HHH thinking he puts on wrestling classics, with HHH controlling 90% of the match with his boring offense.   Winner - HHH. Rating - **ish   Rey Misterio Jr vs Kurt Angle (Champion) vs Randy Orton - World Title Match - We know Rey and Angle will bring the goods. And Orton usually puts on strong performances in the big matches. I'm fine with Angle or Orton winning. Not with Rey. Simply because he's the ghost of Eddie, minus a few inches. Over/Under of 20 mentions to Eddie if Rey wins the title. And that will make me sick when it happens. If the focus was on Rey winning, then it would be up there in emotion like when Benoit won the title... which sadly, won't happen. And Rey will get a meaningless short run that sends him back to the midcard in a couple months.   Winner: Rey Rating: ****ish.   Shawn Michaels vs Vince McMahon - I refuse to watch any McMahon shit.   Winner - Nobody. Rating - negative *****.   Money in the Bank - RVD, Flair, Shelton, Matt Hardy, Lashley, Finlay - I'm confused by some of the entrants here. I don't care how much people like Flair's work lately, he shouldn't be in the ring anymore. Finlay still looks good, but he just doesn't make sense in a match like this. Shelton and Matt will be bumping machines, and Lashley will toss them around. And RVD will win. Another problem with the entrants here... RVD is the only believable winner, and maybe Lashley, but his push has been cut back some. And RVD with a title shot is only going to lead to lots of negativity to all the hopeful, stubborn RVD fans out there...   Winner: RVD Rating: ***1/2ish   Undertaker vs. Mark Henry - Casket Match - Duh. Taker is winning. That's about all here. The match will suck, because all casket matches suck, and these two are limited. Oh, but maybe Taker will bust out a TRIANGLE CHOKE AND HE'LL BE SO MMA AND THE GREATEST WORKER EVER. For about a week. Don't really care about this one, for good reason.   Winner: Undertaker Rating: *ish   Edge vs. Mick Foley - Hardcore Match - Oh, go the fuck away, Foley. I have zero desire to see him anymore. Plus, Mick looks so damn FAT, and I doubt he puts on his working boots to make Edge look great here. Besides, Edge is eternally buried from the ME, so it doesn't matter much anyway. I have a feeling this one could really be ugly, and like the hardcore matches of earlier this decade... with garbage can lids, and cookie pans, and such lameness. And Edge wins, of course.   Winner - Edge Rating - *   Chris Benoit vs JBL - US Title Match - This one should be good. One of the best mic workers in WWE vs. one of the best ring workers. Benoit is going to do a great job making Bradshaw look good here. And Bradshaw has shown he can work decent brawl-like matches with people like Benoit. I'd like Bradshaw to win this... he'd be great with the US title. The title he should have had all along in 2004.   Winner - JBL. Rating - ***   Kane & Big Show vs Carlito & Chris Masters - World Tag Team Title Match - Kane & Show have the tag titles? Yeah, I know it's cool to not know who the crappy title holders are, but I really had no idea. Don't care at all about this one. Carlito & Masters are going to win. Carlito is a snore in the ring 95% of the time, and I want Masters murdered for putting so much suckage on my television.   Winner - Carlito & Masters. Rating - *.   Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James - Women's Title Match - The bloody kiss was so fucking hawt... but, I don't really care about this match. It won't be a work of art. And I don't care who wins. I just hope Laree does some more psycho shit. I guess Laree wins, because Trish had that look on Raw, with the somewhat laziness in her match, that she might be losing here.   Winner - Mickie James Rating - *   Boogeyman vs Booker T - Boogeyman shouldn't be in any matches. I just hope Booker wins. He's been playing his heel character really well lately, too. Booker is too good for this shit.   Winner - Booker T Rating - DUD.   Torrie Wilson v Candice Michelle - Playboy Pillow Fight - Stupid, stupid, stupid. And neither of these women are hot, either. If someone like Stacy was involved, I would have at least watched. This will be FF'd on Monday. I guess Torrie wins, because she always wins.   Winner - Torrie Wilson. Rating - negatives.

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23. Platitudinous.

23.     ...   I'd sing that Twins beer song for this occasion, if it didn't totally fucking suck and force me to never watch Sportscenter during football season. But, moving on...   Don't you hate it when at work, certain people DEMAND to be your friend? Especially when these people feel to share with you their entire fucking life story? I'm getting that now with a current co-worker. And she's a fat dirty... well, I don't need to get into race. But, nasty Mexican bitches are usually really nasty. No offense. It's like, bitch, I'm trying to play online. I'm busting my ass posting on crappy message boards for my $16/hour. You bust your ass doing work, like mowing the lawn or picking weeds, or something.   I have little else to talk about. It sucks how your life gets completely boring when you work full-time. It's kind of depressing. This doesn't deserve it's own entry, but I had to update people.   But, for my next entry... I'll start some sports babbling like Bored does. Except like not all boring baseball shit like he does.   Fin.

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50. Judgment Day thoughts!

50.   Fuck, I'm not watching it tonight.   Download tomorrow.   Go, Great Khali.   Also, as my friends here know... I stalk wrestlers on myspace. And I have caught Colt Cabana perving over me. We shall see how this pans out.   xoxoxo Alyanna.

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11. Meetings suck.

11.   Meetings do really suck. I have them all the time now with this job, and they're a huge fucking waste of time. Blathering on about how much money we're losing, blah blah... none of which has to do with me. One of the bosses tells me I'm doing a fine job. The end. A fine waste of an hour. Which I wouldn't complain about if we didn't have to stay after for them. And I'm sure those fucking Jews will send us home early tomorrow, so I don't get the lousy $8.50 for time + a half.   And then, the planned phone conversation with the family. Which is nothing but awkward. "Oh, we miss you!" I don't miss you. I'm in paradise, you're in hell. Go shovel some snow and catch pneumonia. And then to put me down... the scuzzy trash talks about all the kids they've having (despite being dirt poor), and I go on about how I'm single... and "blah blah blah, meet someone, you'll die alone and miserable, unlike me and my husband who beats me!". Whatever.   All this interrupted my hopeful watching of the Players' Championship today... but, it sucked, because it rained at Sawgrass for like the 10th straight year... making the course easy and boring. It's probably my favorite tournament of the year, though... mostly because I remembered every hole at Sawgrass when I was like 8, due to playing PGA Tour on Genesis so much. And I can't help but mark out when players go splashing on 17. And Adam Scott really needs to cut his hair. Cut your crap finally, and be my little pretty boy.   I've lost all interest in March Madness. My bracket have gone to hell. Only positive is I have LSU in some total luck point spread thing. I don't know to explain it properly... but, I could win money on that. So, whatevz. I was planning on using those winnings to finally buy a XBox 360... but, those plans are finished. And it's probably a good thing.   And Mimi is sick today. Cleaning kitty puke is very not fun. I probably have to take her to a new vet, soon... which is always a huge pain in the ass, since the Princess Mimi refuses to be picked up. I'm sure if she got to play with other cats... she'd be the snobby bitch of the group. Just like Mommy, I've taught her well.   That's all.   Leelee.

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34. Random babbling.

34.   Well, the draft is this weekend.   It's one of those things that I have no idea why I watch. I'll be sitting for a couple hours, bored out of my mind, but can't take my eyes off the TV. And it's going to be even worse since NFL Network has Draft coverage now... and, I guess they won't ignore all non-QB and "controversial" figures from the 2nd round on, like ESPN.   As for my favorite loser teams...   Bills - DT is their biggest need, by far. When Tim Anderson is starting for an NFL team, they need major help. I hope they take BIG HOSS! Haloti Ngata. But, rumor is they may prefer Bunkley, since Buffalo's defense relies more on some speed at DT, instead of just big fat guys. I want Ngata. And, please do not take Justice. He has Mike Williams' suckiness written all over him. Might not be able to play left tackle. Mental issues. No, no, no.   Cards - They'll probably end up taking Justice, since they really need OL help. At #11, probably the best fit, unless Detroit is retarded again and takes an offensive player instead of Michael Huff. And they're probably not taking Cutler. Kurt Warner will be starting for at least a few more years.   I don't know about other teams. I haven't really followed the draft much this year.   But, some other thoughts.   Matt Leinart will be a complete bust. Just watch some of his college games, and see how inaccurate he is. The common argument is that he only did that in the important TV games, but whatevz. He's inaccurate, doesn't have great arm strength, and not a good runner. Oh, but he has "winning intangibles". Yeah, Rob Johson would also have those intangibles if he played in that USC offense. I hope the Jets take him. I bet Pennington with his decrepid arm still plays significantly better than Leinart.   Vince Young will cause some team's fans years of anguish. He's never played QB at Texas, in any important moments. Getting the ball snapped to you, and immediately turning into a RB 70% of the time, is not a QB. And that shit definitely won't fly in the NFL. If Vick, with his legit RB speed can't regularly do it, there's no chance in hell Young will. Plus, whatever team that gets him is going to work on his mechanics. They can't help but not to. If anyone is expecting Young to make any positive impact on a team in less than 3 years, they're crazy. I'm not going to write him off... but, if you're a team drafting him in the Top 10, and dedicating many millions of dollars to him, they better have the patience of Job. Whatever that means.   Reggie Bush... well, at least the hype cooled off him after Young's godlike performance in the Rose Bowl. His talents make him worthy of the #1 pick. But, for those Sean Salisbury types that are already crowning him an NFL great... kid has tons to proof in the next level. Can he ever run inside, and learn that outrunning everyone outside won't work. Can he handle being an every down back.   If I hear anything about Brett Favre returning, or OMGZ HE MIGHT RETIRE AGAIN IN 2007, I'll scream. And he's going to go through another horrible year in Green Bay, lolzies.   That's all. I have people on AIM talking to me, and they're going to get anger if I stay here.   xoxoxo Leelee.

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38. RAW 5/1/06.

38.   LOLLIPOPZ I BET PEOPLE ARE GONNA THINK THIS IS AN ENTRY ON RAW!! HAHA SILLY PANTS. Like I'd actually watch that stuff.   I need the views, though. I've almost caught kkk.   MONDAY NIGHT RAW 5/1/06.   Triple H interview.   Bow down, bow down, bow down to the King.   “Some broad gets control of my business, and decides to run some cute tournament. Fine! Great! But, all of the boys know it’s a waste of time. The WWE Championships belongs to the King of Kings! The Game! God! And how did I gain such neato monikers? Because I win a lot of matchesaaa! I’m pretty goodaaa!   *says the same thing basically for another 18 minutes*   So, cheerleader fag, tonight, your fantasy ends. Apparently, the online losers think you were all that in OVW, whatever that is. The morons can think what they want. The fact remains that when it comes to workrate, I am the greatest. I bust my ass in one-hour classic matches at PPV’s because I am just so gosh darn great!   Tonight, I’m squashing you, Doane!”   ----------   1st Round: Gene Snitsky vs Rene Dupree. Snitsky in control early with punches. Dupree fights back, hits Full Nelson slam 1…. 2…. Dupree with a big clothesline 1… 2…. Snitsky with a big boot. Pumphandle slam. End.   Winner: Gene Snitsky (4:52) 1/2*   ----------   1st Round: Matt Striker vs Chavo Guerrero Chavo controls for most of the match. Crowd chants EDDIE. Chavo cries. Matt hits the Happy Monkey, and Chavo taps.   Winner: Matt Striker (6:29) DUD   ----------   Grisham: “Chavo, you lost.”   Chavo: “Eddie Guerrero.”   Grisham: “Talk about your match.”   Chavo: “Eddie Guerrrero?”   Grisham: “K. Bye.”   Chavo: “Eddie. Eddie. Guerrrrrerrrro.”   ----------   The Spirit Squad is backstage.   “Cheer. We will all have to work hard to defeat Val Venis. He’s a professional jobber, so we like can’t lose, and stuff. Rah rah, Johnny is gonna win, sis boom bah.”   1st Round: Johnny vs Val Venis   Venis hits a right hand and slam. More jobber offense. Johnny flips around and stuff. Venis no-sells it with his oozing machismo. Venis goes for the Money Shot, this will do it. But Mitch or Mikey, whichever one isn’t injured, I can’t remember, pulls Venis off the ropes. Ref sees it. Spirit Squad do the lifty thing to Venis then. Pain ensues.   Winner: Val Venis, via DQ. (8:20) 3/4*   ----------   Maria: “Hi. I’m Maria. You’re Chris Masters. You have match against some guy.”   Masters: “DER. IM DA MASTERPIECE. BOO ME.”   Maria: “BOO!”   Masters: “YAYA BOOOOO I POOT YA IN DA MASTERLOCK! NOBODY CAN GET IN IT AND THAN GET OUT OF IT! IM DA GIME BUNNIE!”   1st Round: Chris Masters vs Danny Basham Piss break for the crowd. Danny won when Masters tripped over his drool.   Winner: Danny Basham (0:27) -***   ----------   1st Round: (9) Rob Van Dam vs Trevor Murdoch Power fat guy stuff from Murdoch to starts. RVD sells with mild discomfort. Then magically gains all his power back for a flying elbow. IT'S 420 TIME, OH EM GEE IM SO HIGH 1….2….2.87 RVD face jams Murdoch. 1….2…2.33 Some more uninspired brawling from Murdoch. RVD counters with a Spin Kick. Then Rolling Thunder. Then poses like Mickey Mouse. Then hits the 5 Star Frog Splash. Then rolls around with a sore tummy. Then pins Murdoch. Then wins.   Winner: (9) Rob Van Dam (5:02) 1/2*   ----------   Cade and Murdoch are backstage. They wanted to rip into Edge. They’re angry that they suck, and Cade so knows he’s losing to Edge.   Meanwhile, Edge stuffs his entire head inside of Lita.   1st Round: (8) Edge vs Lance Cade Squash. Then, Lita cheats by going in the ring and slapping Cade. Ref sees it, but it’s Lance Cade. So, whatever. Murdoch tries to interfere, but missed his cue, so ignore that. Spear from stick boy that wouldn’t kill a fly. 3.   Winner: (8) Edge (1:42) **1/4   ----------   Kane backstage: “Mickie James. This will be the greatest match ever. Inside of that ring. I will rape you in front a live national audience. Muahahahaha.”   1st Round: (16) Kane vs Mickie James   Mickie James takes the mic.   “Kane… ummm, I wouldn’t mind sleeping around. But, I only do that with girls. So, bye.”   Kane runs up the ramp and grabs Mickie. Throws in the ring. Giant chokeslam, and he starts to undress Mickie. We see her lovely breasts. And her roast beef down there. For pics, search online. Google is best. This is a family show. Then, Kane suddenly remembered that he burned his penis off long ago, and cries. CONTINUITY IS REBORN! Mickie runs away, and loses via countout.   Winner: (16) Kane, via countout, I guess (2:00) -*   ----------   1st Round: (1) HHH vs Kenny Kenny walks into a knee. HHH hits him with more knees. Knee lift. The Spirit Squad looks to interfere, but HHH stares at them, and they back off. Then they attack anyway, and of course, HHH beats them 1-on-5. Pedigree. Take it to da pay winda.   Winner: (1) HHH (0:58) *   ----------   Results!     Next week on RAW, more 1st round fun! Tune in!

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37. RAW 5/1/06 Preview.

37.   RAW Preview - 5/1/06.   A new era begins, as "May Madness.", the 64-wrestler tournament begins in the quest for the WWE Championship.   Eight 1st round matches begin tonight...     Can the KING OF KINGS win his 11st WWE Championship? Mickie James vs. Kane? Danny Basham is on RAW?   Such excitement.   Watch.    

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6. 2003 AL MVP commentary! And other stuff.

6.     And nobody else was close. The end. Well, no, I actually should have made that pic an ugly baseball card. And have waste like kkk post his stupid, uninformed comments afterwards. There, the end.   George Mason or Wichita St. is making the Elite 8. That's great stuff. Last time a mid-major makes the elite 8 since Kent St., I believe. Here's to hoping one of them can knock off UConn, and make the Final 4. Otherwise, the tourney is boring me. I'm doing horrible with my picks.   I see a lot of people responded in my blog before. Fuck if I know why. Jingus, one of the douches from HTQ's blog, and some other asshole... I'm not reading it.   I've only received 3 PM's so far about my current avatar. Rather disappointing. And they're not funny anymore, either.   In my next entry... I'll bitch about one of the many reasons why this board sucks.   Fin.      

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12. Weekend is over. Blah.

12.   I was barely online this weekend. Which was rather strange. Didn't really do much during it either... besides lots of cleaning, watched crappy movies like The Ring with some friend, and some tennis, and watching sports crap on TV.   So, I guess the biggest news of the day was some IRL guy getting killed in a crash. Or, at least the sports networks tell me so. It's obviously sad that a young guy like that dies... but, let's calm down the pity party. Nobody forces these drivers to ride around a track at 200 mph. They should thank their lucky stars that continue to live every day. It reminds me of when Earnhardt died, and everyone was up in arms about SAFETY! Fuck you. If anyone really cared about safety, there would be no racing. And let's face it, the only reason racing is so popular is because of nasty crashes like that. No offense, but it's a choice you make. If you choose to race at high speeds, you potentially offer your life for money. If you die, you die. The end.   And George Mason reaches the Final 4. Holy shit... simply amazing stuff. And just look at the teams they beat... UConn, North Carolina, Michigan St. and Wichita St. I knew Mason was always a very good team, but this is just unbelievable. Again, this is why college basketball is miles ahead of all other college sports, at least in the television aspect. However, I was one of those that thought Hofstra should have been in the tourney instead of them... and still do. Although, I thought the Colonial should have got 3 teams. And no, this doesn't mean we'll be getting more mid-majors in the NCAA's.   The Players Championship was a dog this year. Stephen Ames was a really underrated player, so I wasn't shocked to see him win. But, HOW he won. Damn, good stuff. Just beat the tar out of everyone. He seriously looked like he was playing on a different course than everyone. I'd say he got the best out of Tiger after all... you can have the 9&8 first round win in Accenture, I'll take the runaway Players Championship title. But, still disappointing, like most Players have ended up being lately. I'd just like for it one year to be a shootout with 10 or so players left in contention during the final handful of holes. The worst was Craig Perks winning a few years ago... god, does he blow. Had a nice horseshoe up his ass that Sunday. And the move to May for next year should make things a lot better. Sawgrass will be evil hard if the rain stays away all week. I'd really love for a US Open to be hosted there... that would be diabolical.   I watched Smackdown for the first time in... about forever. Damn good show. For most people who hate wrestling and only watch Raw, at least give SD a shot. It's easily the best wrestling TV show currently. A fun battle royal. A great TV match with Rey/Finlay that you won't see many better of on TV. And most of all, very little stupid shit like McMahonamania, or hokey comedy. There's still some of that... but, it doesn't ruin the entire show. Plus, I mark out for Randall Orton and Kurt Angle. So, I'm happy. The negative is Friday night... I'm never going to be able to remember to watch it at that time. And I don't even go out every single Friday night like many people do. Downloading it is fine, but that gets tiresome, also.   I wrote enough for today, save some for tomorrow when I'm bored at work. Toodles.   Leelee.

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35. Boredum.

35.   I'm once again going through another online apathy stage. Where I don't talk to anyone, don't feel like posting, and don't do anything in general. I guess it's because of another boyfriend now, which will of course end up in pain, but whatever. I don't learn. And just general apathy in wrestling, since the sucky summer stretch is coming... and sports should be better, but they're not.   I just wanted to keep my blog updated.   End.

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3

I had lots of fun tonight. And, I finally know someone in Phoenix. But, that's boring.   I'd like to talk about Milky today. Since it's his birthday.   He's very weird. But, I want him. That is all.   This blog is disappointing. Some day, I promise to write long entries like HTQ. But, not on wrestling.   K. Bye.   And the period better come after 3, this time.

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5

5.   So, 5 months since I last posted here. Oh well.   The NCAA tournament is going miserably for me. I had Kansas making at least the Sweet 16, and mostly the Elite 8 in all my pools. Basically, they were my Louisville pick from last year. And that one paid off big time. Therefore, I am dead. And likely the first time no money for Leelee since 1999. Damn you.   The World Baseball Classic continues. Don't care. US lost. On the wrong day... they're supposed to lose before the NCAA begins so I can laugh at them. I always root against the US in world competitions like this. Their attitude is always so much weaker than the rest of the world. I'm not sure why that is... but it's sad. Like in Russia, athletes would give up anything just to play for their country. Especially in tennis, it's scary how patriotic they are. But, in the US, it's puling teeth to get those primadonnas to play.   In my next entry, we'll be looking back at the 2003 A.L. MVP race! And other exciting stuff!

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13

13.   I need to update this more. Mindless rambling calms my insane brain matter. Unfortunately, work has been busy, forcing me to do stuff. Which I shouldn't complain about, because the day goes so much faster when you're constantly running around doing stuff. Although, I would prefer this business consisting of computer junk, instead of running errands for people and walking back and forth from 5 floors. Especially with the uncomfortable pretty shoes I wear for work. But, such is life. I'm never satisfied.   I read some of the comments here, and the expected opinions of how horrible I am have ensued. Bleh. I don't need people to tell me these things. Unless it's someone I don't like and/or you swear and insult me a lot. So, we can fight. I love to fight.   The last few days have been boring. Yesterday, was basically work, eat, watch Raw, sleep. Awful. I always feel so stupid after watching Raw. Even though I rarely do, I eventually come back to it every few months... and it is just SO bad. The main event with Vince was hard to watch. I'm obviously forcing myself to watch WM, and I hope it blows like expected, so I don't con myself into watching anymore. I'll stick with SD for a while, though.   Had tennis tonight. A mixture of a lesson/match type thing. As anyone who's watched me play knows, you can't give me lessons. I have the most unique, fucked up game possible. Ginormous serve, decent volleys, and can't hit a backhand in the court to save my life. Probably due to me being legally blind in my left eye, and my general clumsiness and oafness.   And now, I'm playing MVP '04. With my beloved cheating Yankees. A-Rod hitting 100+ HR's a year. And plunking Jeter with pitches at every chance. Great fun.   Not much else to talk about. I have off tomorrow, and have no idea what I want to do. And all the fun sports stuff starts this weekend, with the Final 4, and sucky WM, and the Snobby Asshole golf tournament next week. Where I'll only care if Hefty and Eldrick the Bum lose in horrible fashion.   Fin.    

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54. Inane Raw thoughts.

54.   I actually watched most of Raw today. Mostly because it's the start of the fantasy season, and I'm very competitive. I doubt my viewing lasts long. Raw blows so much. I may just stick to SD, which I usually tolerate, and even enjoy occasionally.   The Spirit Squad is simply a horrible gimmick. I've already posted a few times about it, so yeah.   HHH starts to be an enjoyable character, showing some life and the occasional weakness lately... then they do that absolutely unneeded sledgehammer bit, where Doane took the sledge, and HHH is all FUCK THAT NOISE YOU DON'T TOUCH MY SLEDGEHAMMER, N00B!1 That shit just doesn't help anybody. Although, if there's one bright spot, Kenny is the leader, and he is quite impressive in the ring. Except for tonight. I really REALLY hope they kill the Spirit Squad gimmick soon. Putting them in so many main events could damage these guys for a while.   Umaga... yeah, it's a ripoff of Samoa Joe. That's nice. This Estrada guy is kinda funny, though.   The women's division is dead once again. The only way to salvage things is Mickie/Melina. And build up these new random bimbos in the meantime, hoping a couple stick. And push Victoria, damnit. Why they don't properly use her as a wrestler is beyond me.   RVD/Benjamin was god-awful. As much as the smarks love RVD, they seem quite oblivious to his many weaknesses. It's unfortunate that WWE didn't take advantage of his overness in ~2002... but, wanting to make up for it now just isn't the right thing to do.   This ECW thing is nothing but an attempt to suck more money out of the desperate older fans. The shit will fail miserably if they seriously plan to keep it up for more than 2 months. But, by then, it will probably be an EXTREME version of The Internet Shows, and nobody will care anyway.   I forget what else. Raw is so poor compared to SD.   I'm gonna go bother wrestlers on myspace. Nice ones this time, hopefully.   xoxoxo Alyanna.        

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39. 5/5/06 Smackdown.

SMACKDOWN 5/5/06   Michael Cole: Welcome to Friday Night Smackdown! With me is Tazz, and we have a super show lined up for you tonight! 8 1st round matches in the quest for the WWE Championship!     Tazz: Yeah Cole, look at the lineup we got today. Undertaker/Booker T in a first round match?! That’s like 9 world titles amongst them! That could be a final for dis tournament. Plus, the return of Batista! Randy Orton! Bobby Lashley! Wow!   Michael Cole: Wow, indeed! And now we take you to a Scotty Go Potty match.   ********************   Round 1: Scotty Go Potty vs. Gunner Scott   Tazz: Hey Cole, when did Scotty 2 Hotty change his name to Scotty Go Potty?   Cole: To be honest, I was surprised he was still hired by WWE. But, I must say this a fine name and gimmick change for him.   Tazz: Yeah, well overdue! And who’s this other guy?   Cole: Who knows? Let’s ignore this match, and hopefully it will go away soon.   Series of hip tosses to start, followed by a dropkick knocks Gunner to the mat. Dropkick to the knee by Go Potty firmly puts down the former Albright. Scotty goes for a flying elbow, but MISSES! Gunner takes advantage with a huge suplex, and goes for the pin. 1….1.8. Scotty tries to counter with a hurricanrana, but Gunner counters with a powerbomb. Hooks the leg, 1….2…2.8… Scotty just gets his shoulder up. Gunner then stupidly goes for a sleeper hold, quieting the crowd. Scotty retards up, and takes the offense with a Russian leg sweep. Followed by a flying axe handle, setting up… sigh. You know the rest. Still a good match, though.   Winner: Scotty Go Potty, via pinfall. (8:55) **3/4   ***************************   Round 1: Jamie Noble vs. Sylvan   Sylvan botches a neckbreaker on Noble to start, but thankfully Noble is fine. Noble then pulls out a mule kick, then a back heel kick, which Sylvan takes the bump on his head twice. Noble is trying his damndest, but we’re in “bowling shoe ugly” territory here, so James wisely cuts to the chase. Modified Dragon Sleeper, and Sylvan passes out.   Winner: Jamie Noble, via submission (2:30) **1/2   ******************************   Randy Orton comes to the ring.   Randall: I’d like to thank our fine new chairman for giving me the opportunity to win the WWE Championship. A FAIR opportunity. As everyone knows I am a 3rd-generation superstar. And I enjoy killing legends. Triple H may call himself the King of Kings, but I am the proven Legend of Legends.   And look how damn sexy I am. I can have every woman in the world. I am truly irresistible. I can treat you all like shit, and you’ll flock to me.   Of course, I don’t expect any of you pathetic male losers to understand. So, continue booing me. Your jealousy only proves how damned incredible I am. Love me.   Oh, and Joey Mercury. Please refrain from attending our match today. It’s pointless. I’m only interested in defeating legends. And the only real legend on this paltry brand, is The Undertaker. Who has lessened himself to cheating tactics in order to defeat me before. That will be no more, however. I will defeat him.   So, Joey, please don’t interfere with my plans. Thank you.   **********************   Round 1: Mark Henry vs. Nunzio   Nunzio starts the match out with a spin kick, and a lariat that has the big man shaking. Then, an attempted cross-body from the 2nd rope… and Henry catches Nunzio. Henry tosses Nunzio in the air, and catches him by the neck, and sends him down with a side choke slam. Nunzio looks dead. Then, Henry drags Nunzio up again and delivers a huge power slam. Splash. And Nunzio is mush. 3.   Winner: Mark Henry, via pinfall (1:46) **1/4   **********************   Round 1: Paul London vs. Finlay   MY NAME IS FINLAY. AND I LIKE TO FIGHT.   Tazz: Ooh, Cole. I’ve been waiting for this matchup. Should be a wrestling masterpiece.   Finlay starts things out with some right hands, that back London into a corner. Followed by a Stun Gun. But, London manages to counter afterwards with a kick to the sternum. London hits a flying kick from the top rope, and follows with a hurricanrana pin attempt. 1…2… 2.5 London hits a huge spinning kick to the jaw of Finlay, that knocks him down. He follows with a 450 attempt from the top rope! 1….2….3… no he didn’t… 2.95! London goes for a headlock afterwards, and Finlay fights his way out. A brutal forearm shiver causes London to bleed from the mouth. Vertical suplex from Finlay, and London is in trouble. Some more stiff punches to London’s bloodied mouth further exacerbates Paul’s breathing. Finlay then takes advantage with the Emerald Fusion! 1….2….3. Finlay then grabs his shillalegh and beats the hell out of London! London now his entire face covered in blood. Though shalt not fuck with Finlay.   Winner: Finlay, via pinfall. (13:38) ***3/4   ********************   Hardcore Holly backstage with Josh Matthews.   Matthews: Hardcore Holly, it’s good to see you in fine health again, and back to WWE.   Holly: Quiet. I’m here to teach some lessons to the new kids out there. I plan on beating the hell out of each and every one of ya. Bobby Lashley, prepare for pain. I’m gonna injure ya. How ya like me now.   Round 1:(15) Bobby Lashley vs. Hardcore Holly   Hardcore runs right at Lashley, and gives him some quick punches. However, Holly goes for a body slam, which Lashley refuses to move for. Lashley then does a firm spike slam, and side slam which knocks Holly out. Lashley continues with his power offense, and whips Holly into the corner. With Lashley in full control of the match, he celebrates with the crowd, and Holly uncovers the top turnbuckle. Lashley slowly walks over, and Holly grabs Bobby by the tights, and slings him headfirst into the open turnbuckle. Holly then knocks down the staggered Lashley with one of his trademark perfect drop kicks. 1…2….3.   Winner: Hardcore Holly, via pinfall & cheating (7:40) ***1/2   ************************   Round 1: (10) Randy Orton vs. Joey Mercury   HEY! NOTHIN’ YOU CAN SAY!   Mercury hits an early drop kick on Orton, to which Melina screams…   And WWE owner Princess Leena comes to ring…   Princess Leena : Excuse me, Melina. But that behavior is unacceptable in a match with such a fine wrestler in the ring. Leave the arena, or you’re fired. That is all.   Melina departs. Orton then hits the RKO on his Joey, who wonders why he’s still on television without Melina there. Fin.   Winner: Randy Orton, via pinfall (1:00} **3/4   ************************   Batista is backstage, and mumbles about returning from injury. He looks good in a suit.   (7) Batista vs. Orlando Jordan   Batista jumps into the ring, and tears a quad. And his pecs. He sits on the mat, and Orlando pins him. Steroids are bad, kids.   Winner: Orlando Jordan, via pinfall (0:12) *1/2.   *************************   (2) Undertaker, The vs. Booker T   Undertaker punches. More punches. Punch. Punch. Old School, which Booker T no-sells. Then Taker feels mild discomfort with whatever Booker T does. Taker goes for The Last Ride, but Booker manages to drill Taker in the balls while upside down. Taker says “he’s not feeling it”. Booker hits the Scissors Kick, Bookend, and Harlem Hangover, which the big asshole still won’t lay down for. Taker sits up, and Booker legit axe kicks Taker in the back of the head, knocking him out cold. 1….2….3. Rest in piece, cocksucker.   Winner: Booker T, via pinfall (14:23) **1/2   **********************   Cole: For all of you that don’t want to read this shit, here’s the results today.     That’s all. I’m tired. Watch Scrubs on Sunday.

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19. Masters. Blah.

19.   So, my least favorite golf tournament starts tomorrow. Augusta always gives me weird feelings. It's obviously pretty, but it has the feel of a KKK convention meeting the other 51 weeks of the year. It reminds me of my uber-rich uncle, who's probably the biggest racist asshole in the world, and how he always lied about playing Augusta. This is the only week where I openly cheer for Tiger. If Tiger or Vijay continue their domination of this tournament, then that's just grand. You know it kills those snobby, old bastards to see it. And, of course, I'll be cheering hard for Mickelson to fail, like every slam. It's about time for Hefty to be in contention, and blow it all with his famous short-putt misses.   Plus, they keep fucking with the Augusta course, to where it's losing its fun. No, I'm not one of the old fogies who thinks all courses should stay the way they are... you absolutely must add length to some of these holes. But, it's being done way too much here. They're adding even more length to the 7th, which was one of my favorite short holes, with it's fun green that already gave players a bunch of trouble. Now, it's just another long par 4. And the 4th is just silly now... along with 10 and 11. Adding length was necessary to some of these holes... but, now it's to the detriment of making the tournament exciting. 15, maybe 20 players have any shot of being competitive in the Masters because you absolutely need massive length to be close. And that sucks. Augusta doesn't need this shit. Nothing was worse than Bethpage in 2002... where length was the end-all, be-all.   Besides, the Snobby Racist Masters won't beat the women's tourney last week in Mission Hills. Damn, that was one of the best endings ever. I felt stupid for downloading the final round of a golf tourney, but that was worth it. Karrie Webb holing out on the 18th, little cutie Ochoa with a super clutch eagle after sucking all of Sunday, and Michelle Wie blowing it again. And uber-hottie Natalie Gulbis in contention. Money. That's what women's golf needs to be watchable. Only thing missing was fellow hottie Cristie Kerr, and her getting a temper tantrum. I'm getting worried about Michelle, though. The girl is so insanely talented... yet, she's never won a damn thing outside of the Pub Links, which barely counts. The hype she gets has to build up her confidence (like Sharabitch), but it won't last forever, and soon enough people are going to whine that she never wins. This is the problem with forcing her to play with the men, and such silly things. It could really backfire on her.   In tennis news, the Davis Cup Quarterfinal is this week. Nobody cares on this continent. I'm sort of interested in France-Russia, though. And watching Marat blow. The women's field is awful this week, so bleh. The end.

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28. #6. Penis.

28.   No, this isn't the good type of Penis...     6) Venus Williams wins 2005 Wimbledon.   The regular sports fan, and even some of the smarter tennis fans, often ask me why I was in uber-bitch mode after 2005 Wimbledon.   "But, Venus is still like one of the best players in the world." No, she isn't.   "Maria won in 2004, and you hate her guts!" Yes, but this was a million times worse.   "VEE REE R NUMBA #1" Fuck you. Die.   By no means am I a Williams' hater like so many people out there. I appreciated their games from 1999-2004. They worked hard to be the best in the world, and used their impeccable talents to dominate the game. Yes, when they faced each other in 4 straight grand slam finals, it was very ugly tennis to watch... but, hell if I know how it feels to face your sister in situations like that.   The problems ensued in 2005... and not with Serena winning the Australian Open that year. That was a deserved win... despite Lindsay Davenport sucking and blowing in a grand slam for the 1242th time.   It started in the Miami QF with Serena, and older sister, Penis. Penis was really struggling at the time, and soon to drop out of the Top 20. And Serena blatantly tanked said match, so Penis wouldn't drop off the face of the earth. Not that the Willies' haven't done these sorts of things for each other before... but, this was telling.   Telling because Penis didn't give a fuck.   Fast forward to Roland Garros 2005. Watch Penis lose to Sesil Karatancheva. More specifically, watch that 3rd set. The absolute worst tennis I've ever seen from a professional player.   Being a tennis instructor, I know some things. And it was obvious that Penis hardly practiced. You don't miss groundstrokes like that by accident.   Then, 2 weeks later at Wimbledon... Penis is about to go down to one of the worst players on tour in the early rounds, but barely survives. The bad thing is that this gave her some practice, and some confidence. And her future opponents, including slug Lindsay Davenport choked against Penis in the final, and the unthinkable happens.   A player who barely tries, and plays half-ass, wins the biggest tournament of the year.   This still pisses me off. I know a few of the girls on tour. They bust their ass 365 days a year to try and survive on tour. And this bitch just waltzes in, and wins it all.   Proving life isn't fair. And hard work doesn't always matter.   As of 2006, it looks like the Williams' may finally be retired. They're a sad story. Even moreso, Serena than Venus... because we should be speaking of Serena in the same breath as legends like Navratilova and Graf, with Serena's unmatched talents.   But, I guess it's more important to be a crack ho, or being an F-list "actress", than using these talents.   That's why it's hard to be a tennis fan, sometimes. If the players don't give a shit, why should the fans?    

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