If you're like me, you go to horror movie websites, and get the latest in news, reviews, interviews, etc. Even if you haven't, you've probably heard that Platinum Dunes is remaking it, and Michael Bay is producing it. Some, like luke-o and Jingus (known for being bitchy when it comes to movies) are opposed to it. Me? Well, it's not the best idea in the world, but it's not the worst either. Here are the 13 reasons why remaking Friday the 13th is not the worst idea in the history of mankind.
They've done all they can with the series-Come on, there's been a impostor Jason, Jason vs. a Psychic, Jason in Manhattan (for a short time), Jason in Space, Freddy vs. Jason-they've done everything but "Next Friday the 13th", in which Ice Cube must save the hood from Jason. Actually, that's a pretty good idea. Anyways, I think you see my point: they've done all they can do with the series. There is nowhere else to go with the series except a remake.
New ways to kill people-Come on, you have to at least be curious to see what he has in store for campers this time.
Many bad rip offs-Ok, there were a few good slashers to come out after Friday the 13th ("The Burning", "The Prowler", "Stage Fright", "Night Warning"), but there were also plenty of bad ones-in fact, there were more bad ones then good ones. Come on, you can't defend "Don't Go In the Woods...Alone", "Honeymoon Horror", "Silent Madness", "Final Exam", "The Prey", "The Final Terror", and several others, because they are horrible, and in some ways, have taken away some of what made the Friday the 13th series fun.
Sometimes, nerds bitching on the Internet is funny-It's true ya know.
It was going to happen anyway-They've already remade "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", "The Haunting", "Halloween", and others, and more movies will be remade, so it was only matter of time really.
The series needs a reboot-No, not the animated tv series. However, as I already said, the series has done all it can, and if a remake is the next step, then so be it.
I need a new horror movie to see-Not the best reason but I have been watching a lot of older horror lately, and I need something different.
The series was never really about originality-The series can be best described as "Horny teens get killed in gruesome but inventive ways." Hell, I already mentioned the various rip offs, so when you think about it, movies in general (particularly horror movies) aren't as original as we like to believe.
Imagine the porno movie knock off-You just know they did a Friday the 13th porno knock off came out back in the day, so maybe we can get a remake of that knock off.
The Asylum needs another "Mockbuster"-Ok, maybe not, but hey.
Bitching on the Internet accomplishes nothing-It's true ya know. You can bitch and moan about this all you want, but it won't change things, so what's the point?
Some are looking forward to it-Yes, some of us want to see what will happen. I wouldn't say that I'm looking forward to it, but I am curious. Who knows, maybe (I said maybe) it will be entertaining. Besides, it can't be worse than Parts 8 and 9.
It's Friday the 13th-Nobody is expecting brilliant, Oscar Worthy filmmaking here. You are expecting Jason to kill people. Think about it.
There you go.
Plot: Zombies rise from an nuclear power plant (built on top of an Indian Battle Ground-oh no!) and attack Kansas.
Before I get to reviewing this, it's time for a history lesson. You see, in the 80's, we started to see really (and I mean really) low budget horror. Granted, microbudget horror is nothing new. People were churning out cheap exploitation made for crackerjack money back in the 60's and 70's. The 80's though, gave us a new device: the camcorder. That's right,now anyone could do their own backyard effort. Also, it should be known that the 60's-70's microbudget directors at least had some sort of experience in the business of film and television. The folks with camcorders though, didn't. If there is any consolation, the 1982 shot-on-video "classic" Boardinghouse received a theatrical release in Grindhouse theaters, and is watchable in a what the fuck did I just watch way.
The 90's were a dark time to be a horror fan. Sure, Scream came out and gave horror another chance, but it unfortunately lead to a series of poor imitators and inferior sequels, giving the movie some unneeded (but predictable) scorn from angry virgins. The Silence of the Lambs won Oscars, but Hollywood didn't want to call it horror, when it clearly was. Oh, and while there were still zombie movies, they were few and far between. So, that lead to the greatest catastrophe to come to horror from the 90's to this millennium(I think they ended in 2002): the Shot on Camcorder zombie movie. These movies offered something studio horror didn't offer: full on hardcore gore, sexual content, nudity, and zombie mayhem. Sadly, they were done by people with no experience whatsoever in the field of film making, which meant that they were all horrible in every conceivable level, and not in a so bad it's good way. I mean in a so bad it's bad way. Imagine watching somebody's home videos/home movies for about 80-90 minutes. There you go.
Now, on to our
Review: This is actually the first in trilogy of films from "filmmaker" Todd Sheets, who admits his movies are unwatchable. Instead of reviewing it, here's what you have in store:
Terrible, rubbery gore
A man named Sam (modeled after Sam Kinison) doing a speech about his dead goldfish Butthead.
The worse handlebar mustache every committed to anything.
Horrible attempts at exposition.
No real plot to speak of.
Bad gore and make up effects.
Terrible attempts at gags.
The fact that, just like in every other Shot on Camcorder zombie movie, nobody involved had any previous acting experience.
I think you get the point. I've already suffered through it. Don't let it happen to you.
Rating: 0/10. You'd have more fun watching a home video of a colostomy than watching this. Avoid at all costs.
Plot: The third entry in the "Resident Evil" movie franchise sees Alice (Milla Jovovich) and a band of survivors from the previous (horrible) movie (including Oded Fehr and Mike "Where's Ice Cube?" Epps) and some new faces (Ali Larter as Claire Redfield and Ashanti-yes, that Ashanti) in a world reduced to a desert by the T-Virus. There's still plenty of undead, and the Umbrella Corperation want Alice-as she's the original. See, there's these clones-oh come on, you aren't watching this for plot.
Review: Not a good movie by any stretch of the imagination, the third entry in the series is actually the best of the series so far. Sure, it's far from original-cribbing elements from Day of the Dead (1985) (domesticating the dead) and The Mad Max movies (post apocalyptic desert landscape), but it at least has some decent points to go with the mindless action.
For starters, there is thankfully more undead action this time around, with sun baked zombies at nearly every corner. Also absent this time is dreadful Nu-Metal, and that's always a plus. The acting is at least competant, and the movie itself is the most competantly directed entry in the series, managing to make sure you don't get bored for the large part. Also, if you don't like Ashanti, you'll be glad to know her role is small (as is her time in the movie).
That out of the way, the fact that Alice has powers and superhuman abilities (from the last movie, which I like to pretend didn't happen) is really dumb. That reminds me, you really don't care about anybody in this movie, as there is no character development whatsoever throughout. People appaear and disappear, and those who die are people you really didn't see much of anyways. The ending also leaves room for yet another sequal, and really, do we need another one. Ok, it made about $150 Million worldwide, so it's inevetible. That out of the way,t he series needs to end, as we can't keep getting sequal after sequal. It's tiresome.
Still, it's a decent Saturday afternoon flick, and if you don't think too hard while watching it, you might sorta enjoy it.
Final Verdict: 6/10. Dumb popcorn entertainment not at it's best, but hardly at it's worst, and is at least the best "Resident evil" movie so far. Check it out if nothing else is on.
I frequent bars. Who doesn't? That out of the way, here is a list of songs I don't want to hear in a bar ever again, and why.
Bon Jovi-"Livin' On a Prayer" and "Bad Medicine"-There is nothing worse than coming into a bar and hearing a bunch of drunk fratboy's warbling Bon Jovi off key. These songs are the worst offenders, and need to be put to sleep in bars.
Metallica-"Enter Sandman"-It's done to death people-we get it, you like to sing along to it after a long day, and then get high fives from your best pals. Also, what is up with tough guys singing along to "Nothing Else Matters" and getting all weepy. That song has the power to turn these guys into pussies in no time.
Anything from Kid Rock-Really, just stop playing anything from him. Don't you ever wonder if the DJ, or if you frequent strip clubs (I don't-sorry) the strippers hate having to hear this, or at least get tired of it? Just stop playing this guy for the love of God.
Garth Brooks-"Low Places"-It's like the ultimate drunk redneck asshole anthem. It's cancer to the ears. I'm from Southern Ohio, and if there is any modern country anthem that needs to be retired the most, it's this one.
Fergie-"Fergilicious"-This has replaced "All I Wanna Do" and the works of Alanis Morrisete as the anthem from obnoxious FUPA and Gunt fat girls going crazy anthem.
Anything from Jimmy Buffet-Along with The Eagles and John Mellancamp, nothing fills me with more rage than the works of Jimmy Buffet. Cartman was right about him BTW.
Bob Seger-Turn the Page-It gets even worse if it's karaoke night. Actually, never go to a bar-ANY BAR-during karaoke night.
AC/DC-"Highway to Hell," "Back in Black," and "Shook me All Night Long"-I like thse songs, but bars have ruined them for me some.
Def Leppard-"Pour Some Sugar on Me"-Actually, girls dance really slutty when this plays, so keep playing it. So instead, let's go with...
Poison-"Every Rose has it's Thorn"-There, much better.
Anything from Sheryl Crow-Fat chicks with Jeff Hardy T-Shirts love singing along to her. It's as awful as you might think.
Those are my pics. Feel free to add your own.
We're about halfway done, so here's a look at the year so far.
-Heath Ledger died, and TSM was struck by the "Serial Pillist." Also, people are already raving about "The Dark Knight", even though it hasn't come out yet.
-Marvin got progressivley worse, reaching levels not reached since the reign of wildpegasus, and Deon got stupider. Both made it to the finals of the "worst TSM poster" tournament. I still hate them both. Amazingly, Marvin seems aware that he sucks and annoys people, while Deon is oblivious to it. Deon bumped a Jay-Z/Linkin Park thread, not realizing everyone with functioning braincells hates Linkin Park, and Marvin loves Glenn Beck, 3 Doors Down, and Staind.
-The Campaign 2008 Thread became horrible, with Marvin trolling the thread, Jerk arguing with everybody, CheesalaLovesRonPaul calling me a Republican (sorry cheesy, you are wrong), and Marney-my God Marney. She has to be a gimmick.There is no way a hardcore, insane conservative stereotype lesbian exists. No way. And that's not an insult to conservatives, as she's more insane than actually conservative. I dread her return. Still, she's better than Marvin at least, as she seems approchable outside of the CE folder.
-As far as music goes, Portishead have the best album of the year so far. Best Metal album so far is either Boris' Smile, Earth's The Bees Made Honey in the Lion's Skull (not really metal though) or Nachtmystium's Assassins: Black Meddle Part 1. Best hip hop album is probably The Re-Up Gang's mixtape We Got it for Cheap Vol. 3. I think that The Carter 3 doesn't live up to all the hype it's been getting. It's a listenable album with a few great tracks, but it's not as great as everyone says it is.
-As far as horror goes, the best horror movie overall seems to be "Inside", with "The Lost", "[REC]", and "The Signal" as runners up.
-We were all reminded that Juggalos are the lowest rung of the music fan ladder, thus making me feels bad for Carnival. Speaking of him, I wish he'd post more.
-EHME finally had that kid.
-Obama is the official nominee, which means more bitching from Czech.
-Czech, Kingof909, NYU, and Vitamin X became mods.
-cabbageboy may be one of the dumbest or at least most annoying people, in the WWE folder right now. Everybody hates him for a reason.
-In spite of winning the worst poster tournament, Marvin was never banned, though he's tuned it down some. He's still terrible. Deon had posts in the "Things that Anger You" thread that are CronoT posting levels.
-Corey Lazerus prefers Nerd Rap to Real Rap.
-VH! Presents: I Love The New Millenium. Or: VH1 needs to be cancelled.
-Finally, "Kobe, How Does My Ass Taste?" No, not Kobe Tai...
I have posters on ignore, and for obvious reasons. I'm sure I'm not the only one. Here's who and why:
Deon-Every post he makes is horrible. He annoys me in every way. In a way, he is the worst poster on TSM who has never been banned.
C-Bacon-"Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff"-Frank Zappa. Think about that Bacon.
cabbageboy-I've known of his badness for a while, and just recently put him on ignore. He's a pretty bad poster, especially in the movie and WWE folders-which are known for having bad posters.
razazteca-He seems to have disappeared. Maybe I should put him off ignore.
VanHalen-Also M.I.A. Should have been named VanCherone.
Banky-Hard to enjoy the music folder without him on ignore.
The Truthiness-Put him on ignore last night. I am fully convinced he is a gimmick.
Here's people I should have on ignore, and probably will someday.
CheesalaisGood-I am absolutely certain this man is a truther.
Narcoleptic Jumper-He is a truther.
Enigma-Would make going to the WWE folder more enjoyable.
EHME-Do I really need to explain?
Marvinisalunatic-Ditto, though he's a little less annoying lately.
Al Gore gave us the internet in I don't really remember. If he knew that it would give us pathetic "reality" porn sites, an outlet for furries, message board "wars", wanna be tough guys, hacker speech, and Rule # 34, he probably would kill himself. If there is anything the net has become know for in my experience, it's this: a place for fat, unwashed, virginal nerds to complain about things that really aren't worth complaining about. Here's the 5 things it's "cool" to hate on the net, and why in the end, it's dumb to hate them.
5.) Musicians that take chances
Why: Most people hate change, especially in music. Hell, I do too sometimes (DJ Shadow's The Outsider, Cabaret Voltaire's foray into House music), but sometimes, it's retarded. Look at how a few (fortunately, just a few) are already reacting to Portishead's new album, to how some Black Metal fags have responded to band's like Amesoeurs, Alcest, and Velvet Cocoon trying something different within the genre.
Why it's stupid : Look, it's not your choice how the artist sounds, it's the artists. Besides, even if it's a disaster, you have to at least give them credit for doing something different.
Will it last: This has been going on long before the internet, so yes, it will last forever.
4.) South Park
Why: Over the years, more and more people have been getting BUTT hurt over South Park making fun of their political views. When they did the "ManBearPig" episode, Liberals complained about it "preaching a conservative agenda." (I just thought it wasn't a funny episode.) Besides, these are very political times, and if you don't agree with somebody's political views, then you are either a thin skinned liberal or a nazi sympathizing neocon.
Why it's stupid: Whining about political views on the net, much like in real life, accomplishes nothing. You may feel passionately about them, but at the end of the day 1.) The world won't change tomorrow because of them and 2.) In the large scheme of things, they don't count. They are just opinions people. Besides, if everyone everywhere agreed on everything, life would be boring.
Will it last: I honestly think that the only way this will end is when Bush leaves office and if McCain doesn't win the 2008 election. It will be then that people quit calling the show propaganda.
Why: When Ron Paul started running in 2007, he became a hero to some who felt that Bush had been a disaster, the Iraq War was a fuck up, and that we needed somebody who was different. Sadly, it ended up attracting anti-semitic and conspiracy theory spewing retards claiming to be Libertarians while having no idea what Libertarianism actually is.
Why it's stupid: A part of this isn't really that dumb. I wouldn't blame people (especially those who actually are Libertarians) for hating this phenomenon. However, it also boils down to the "you don't agree with my political views, so you suck" problem, in which angry conservatives and liberals insult these guys for daring to disagree.
Will it last: It should end by the year's end, then return in the next election.
Why: "Juno" was the little indie comedy of 2007 that got ton's of acclaim and hype, even getting Oscar nominations (and winning best original screenplay-I don't think it deserved that...). By the time February rolled around though, people everywhere on the internet were bitching about the movie, calling it "The Death of the American Independent Movie" (as pbone called it)
Why it's stupid: While I liked the movie, I can understand people hating it. It didn't deserve all those nominations, and some of the dialog annoyed me. That out of the way, a part of the hatred seemed to come from some feeling like it was "test marketed for hipsters", which largely doesn't make sense to me. The other problem for them is that it's a popular indie comedy, and if history shows, popular indie movies ("Napoleon Dynamite", "Cabin Fever", "The Blair Witch Project") are automatically cool to hate in some people's minds. Look, just because a movie get's a ton of hype doesn't mean it's a bad movie. Sure, it might not live up to all your expectations, but it isn't worth all that venom.
Will it last: Give it another year or two. The next indie comedy hit will come out, and then people will go on to bitch about that.
1.) Hip Hop
Why: Internet nerds feel threatened by what they don't understand-be it liberals, conservatives, Indie Music, or Extreme Metal. No musical genre online though, gets the hatred Hip Hop does. Basically, it offends some people's overly white view of the world, so they lash out at it because they don't understand it. That out of the way, the homophobia and misogyny of several rapper's doesn't help matters, nor do guys like Lil' Jon and Yung Joc.
Why it's stupid: I can understand people not liking guys like Soulja Boy and Lil' Mama, or the crassness some artists use. But to dismay the entire genre is stupid. People used to do the same thing about Frank Zappa and Led Zeppelin, and still say the same about Heavy Metal. Plus, there's the whole not understanding it-to lash out at the genre because you don't understand it is as stupid as it gets. If anything, it's close minded and willfully ignorant.
Will it last: These complaints have been going on since the 80's, so it will never end. As long as Hip Hop exists, there will sadly still be fat guys with mullets and Boston T-Shirts or Greasy guys with long hair and Pantera T-Shirts complaining about Hip Hop. It's a cycle that will sadly never end.
Why? Well, look at this glorious thread.
Long story short: Vitamin X banned Marney. He did this after simply warning her (not a big deal really), and she flipped, acting like a spoiled bitch. She insulted him constantly (as well as AnnieEclectic for being a Transexual), and pretty much dared him to ban her.
So he did.
Afterwards, people bitched at him, telling him that Marney didn't deserve to be banned. These people included Rant and bob barron (who tends to bitch a lot.)
Quit fooling yourselves. She deserved to be banned. I have no problem with different opinions, but she basically acted belligerent, insulting those who disagreed with her, and blatantly spewing hateful, racist, homophobic (amusing, considering she's a lesbian) bullshit. She refused to follow the rules, and had to act like an internet tough guy, puffing her chest, thinking "nobody can ban me!" Hell, she pretty much asked to be banned, and her wish got granted.
Why did she do this? Here's my theory: just like MikeSC and others at The Pit, she feels wronged for no reason. So, in her feeble mind, she's proven a point. What point she proved is beyond me, and it only exists in her twisted psyche. In reality, all she proved is that she's a cunt, and her being banned had nothing to do with her being a conservative, a woman, or a lesbian-it all has to do with her behavior.
Seriously, why can't people like her, Leena, and MikeSC realize this? The board is not out to get them. Hell, from what I've seen, The Pit seems to obsess over us more than we do them. Most of us don't give a shit about that place. When you refuse to follow the rules, troll, insult those you don't agree with, and start pointless arguments, you will be banned. Why is it that some can't realize this? Are they fucking stupid?
In short, Vitamin X did the right thing. Marney should have been banned from the get go, and stop kidding yourself if you think otherwise.
-Charlton Heston died. When I was a kid, he was one of my favorite actors. "A Touch of Evil" is one of my all time favorite movies, and has a hell of a soundtrack. I could go on and on, but I won't. RIP Chuck.
-Taigastar got sent to the Gulag, then was let out. While I don't like her, she didn't deserve to be there. Deon, on the other hand...
-Scott Keith is supposed to be doing a Q & A here. I remember reading his old reviews, especially his review of "Royal Rumble 94." His review of Undertaker vs. Yokozuna is hilarious (complete with Depeche Mode reference!), and pretty dead on. Also, I remember Sean Shannon was pretty universally loathed, and seems to have diappeared off the face of the Earth. What happened to the doofus?
-Finally, I won't be doing music related entries here anymore. They'll instead go on my Last.FM blog.
Usually, when it comes to Alice in Chains' best album, people are usually split between Dirt and Jar of Flies. I know Black Lushus's favorite is Dirt, while I'm more of a fan of the Hard Rock/Acoustic Folk sound of Jar of Flies. However, this isn't about their best album, this is about their most underrated. For that, I choose the EP Sap.
Done after Facelift and before Dirt, Sap is a bit of a stop gap, and a major shift in tone after the sludge of Facelift. It sees the band exploring their acoustic ballad that doesn't suck/folk side that would be improved on Jar of Flies. However, it's still a good EP, save for the last track, the out of place (and annoying) comedy song "Love Song."
Opening track "Brother" features Cantrell on Vocals, with Ann Wilson from Heart offering backing vocals. The song is appropriately melancholy, with acoustic strumming and reflective lyrics taking hold. "Got Me Wrong" was the EP's single, as a video was made, and it was included on the soundtrack to "Clerks." It's a great duet between Layne and Jerry, that sounds almost upbeat, in spite of the cryptic lyrics, though the chorus presents some hope. "Right Turn" is a collaboration between the band and members of Soundgarden and Mudhoney. It's a little more light hearted than the previous songs ("But it's so hard/To penetrate pig thick skin"), and is the shortest song here. "Am I Inside" also features Ann Wilson, and is the eeriest track on the album, with mournful piano and acoustic guitar. There's a slight upbeat tempo change in the chorus, but the tone remains throughout.
As I said before, Jar of Flies improved the folk rock sound captured here. As it stands though, Sap is an unfortunately overlooked album in the band's career, and deserves more attention.
...I thought Bill Hicks was the funniest man who ever lived.
I listen to him now, and I don't think "Bill Hicks sure is funny!" I instead think "Wow, that stoner sure sounds angry." In short, the magic has kinda disappeared.
Also, there seems to be a strange phenomenon with douchebags quoting Bill Hicks.
Yeah, I should have voted for Cena's Writer.
Matt, it's a fucking tournament made for fun on a message board. It's not "Serious Business." I doubt I'll make it to round three, and you don't see me crying about it.
-The WWE folder sucks right now. There's no way around it, and something needs to be done. There are too many people who treat wrestling too seriously, and the folder needs less of them and more people who have watched for a while and have knowledge, but don't make it their life. We need more posters like Venkman, Lushus, alkeiper, Chriswok, Scroby and their ilk and less Mecca, Enigma, Carlito Brigante and their ilk. The latter are why I tend to avoid the folder now. Whenever I watch Raw these days, I avoid the folder and go on the chat.
Look, I still watch the WWE, but there are valid reasons why cheech made a "Reasons why the WWE folder sucks" thread.
Also, I like Czech, and it's fine he doesn't like to watch wrestling, but there is no way in hell the wrestling folders will become secondary. This place started as a part of a wrestling website, and while this message board isn't really a wrestling message board anymore, the wrestling folders, no matter what you think, are still a vital part of this board. It's just that things need to change in one of the folders.
Happy New Year.
-Lately, I've been listening to all kinds of music. Here's what, and why
.Raekwon-Only Built 4 Cuban Linx...-The production by RZA is flawless, and it's the album debut of the immortal Nas. Anyone who loves Hip-Hop needs this.
.Steroid Maximus-¡Quilombo! , Gondwanaland, and Ectopia-Imagine the best soundtrack for a movie that was never made. Let J.G. "Foetus" Thirlwell and friends in the mix. The result is a blend of cinematic funk, big band jazz, ethnic music, weird soundscapes, unnerving loops and samples, horror soundtrack undertones, and so much more. In a word: perfect.
.Mastodon-Leviathan and Blood Mountain-Holy shit, get these. Metal at it's best, with excellent musicianship, and Prog-Rock undertones that aren't bloated and pretentious.
.Ennio Morricone-Exorcist II: The Heretic-Horrible movie, but an awesome score by Morricone. May be his most underrated.
.Agalloch-Pale Folklore, The Mantle, and Ashes Against The Grain-Holy shit, these are great. Black Metal meets Neo-Folk and Post Rock in the perfect winter soundtrack. If you like this, give Wolves in the Throne Room a listen too.
-Now, to Ron Paul Fans: He won't become the next president. He will never become the next president. Hell, I think he's a bit crazy. And no matter how much you protest Rudy, Huckabee, Clinton, or Edwards, that won't mean shit at the end. You are fucking delusional to think that A.) He has any chance of winning, B.) That he could bring peace to Iraq, and C.) That getting rid of the I.R.S. is a good thing. Oh, and none of you are really Libertarians. You just say you are because you are unhappy with the Republicans and the Democrats. So am I, and I just say I'm "Independent."
Best Horror Movie: Grindhouse. Honerable mention goes to Zodiac and Bug (which are only sort of horror), 28 Weeks Later, The Mist, 30 Days of Night, and The Host.
Worst Horror Movie: TIE Captivity and Skinwalkers. Honerable mention goes to Unearthed, Hills Have Eyes II, The Hitcher remake, Rise, Blood Hunter, and Hannibal Rising.
Goriest: TIE Planet Terror and Hatchet
Funniest: All the trailers to Grindhouse, especially Werewolf Women of the SS. Honerable mention goes to Severence.
Most Disappointing: Rob Zombie's Halloween. Honerable mention goes to The Last Winter and the adaptation of Jack Ketchum's The Girl Next Door.
Best Sequal: 28 Weeks Later
Most Cringe Inducuing Moment: Melting balls in Planet Terror. Honerable mention goes to the Belt Sander scene in Hatchet and the castration scene in Hostel II.
Best Cameo: TIE Nicolas Cage in Werewolf Women of the SS and Ruggero Deodtro in Hostel II.
Best Kill Mouth and skull torn apart in Hatchet.
Best Actor: TIE Robert Downey jr., Mark Ruffolo and Jake Gyllanhall in Zodiac. Honerable mention goes to Thomas Jane in The Mist, Kurt Russell in Death Proof, Robert Carlyle in 28 Weeks Later, Danny Huston in 30 Days of Night, Nathan Baesal in Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, Malcolm McDowell in Rob Zombie's Halloween, and Brian Cox in Zodiac.
Best Villain: Marcia Gay Harden in The Mist. Honerable mention goes to Danny Huston in 30 Days of Night, Kurt Russell in Death Proof, and the monster in The Host.
Best Actress Ashley Judd in Bug. Honerable mention goes to Rose McGowan in Planet Terror and Marcia Gay Harden in The Mist.
Best Indie and/or Foreign Movie: The Host. Honerable mention goes to Severence, Mullberry Street, Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, Hatchet, and The Living and the Dead.
Finally on DVD: From Beyond, Night of the Comet, and Monster Squad.
Look Forward to in 2008: George A. Romero's Diary of the Dead, Dario Argento's The Mother of Tears, Stuart Gordon's Stuck, Cloverfield, Frontier(s), The Lost, Red, HeadER (not a typo btw), The Signal, Inside, and Hellboy II.
Best Poster: Czech. He cracks me up, and while we may not always see eye to eye, is the best we have here. Plus he gives me albums sometimes. Honerable mention goes to Slayer, Coat is my Father, and Venkman.
Worst Poster: Douchebag aka Deon. A dumb motherfucker who is worthless in every way imaginable-and in some ways unimaginable. Honerable mention goes to Carlito Brigante, razazteca, Marvinisalunatic, VanHalen, C-Bacon, Jingus (at least in the CE folder), Matt Young, and Cheesalaisgood.
Best Thread: Carlito's gonna be a daddy. A goldmine of comedy-or at least comic potential. Honerable mention goes to Pitctures I like, best album of 2007, and Campaign 2008 begins.
Worst Thread: Deon ruins two lives, which deserves no further explaination. Honerable metion goes to the Chris Benoit Thread, any thread started by C-Bacon, Cheesalaisgood posting a conspiratorial "documentary", the "Boycott TNA" thread, Matt Young's cock (Matt can be a creepy bastard), and the thread where I acted like a bitch when Inc insulted me.
Best Bud: Lushus. You the man!
Best Sig: Czech.
Welcome back: Milky returned, giving us more um, interesting looks at his life and looks at the world.
Farewell: Kotz left, and I miss the guy. Leena left, and I don't miss her-and I still don't care about her. Masked Man of Mystery seems to be gone as well. I miss Special K.
Best New Feature: TSM chat. I enjoy chatting it up every Monday with Invader3K, Lushus, Hawk, and Downhome.
There's bad movies, and then there's WWE Films.
Ok, I take that back: "The Rundown" was pretty fun. This one is no Rundown though. It's mearly a poor man's "Battle Royale" with a tacked on moral message.
The plot: A new reality show exclusive to the internet has been created by a bigshot Hollywood producer (Robert Mammone). The show puts 10 people on death row on an island, and gives them 30 hours to live. Among the contestants: Jack Conrad (Steve Austin, who does an good job), whose like, got a family you know; and McStarley (Vinnie Jones, who steals the show), who's the sick villain you love to hate. Oh, and there's some message about how violence is wrong. That's right, WWE is telling you that violence is wrong.
What could have been a decent action movie is ruined by some poor performances, stereotypes, overly realistic violence (World Wrestling Entertainment is making a STATEMENT!), a generic soundtrack (come on, Nickleback? Though Grame Revell's score is competant), preachiness, and more. While Austin, Jones, and Masa Yamaguchi do commendable jobs, the rest of the cast is a poorly written blend of dumb kids weened on violent video games (World Wrestling Entertainment is making a STATEMENT!), a sterotypical greedy Hollywood bigshot, the concerned female, the worried wife, and thugs and rapists. Character actor Rick Hoffman (he of "Hostel" and "Cellular" fame) has a performance that could have been better if the screenplay by Rob & Andrew Hedden, who are writers for WWE, knew how to write interesting characters.
Speaking of WWE, the movie is yet another example of how WWE Films essentially fails to deliver on the dumb but fun kind of spectacle you would want. A movie like "See No Evil" could have been a decent throwback to the Slasher flicks of old, but instead was just "Saw" lite. "The Marine" could have been a decent afternoon action flick, but failed even at a rudimentary level. Here, "The Condemned" also could have been a fun action flick, but is bogged down by a preachy message, which reaches MST3K movie levels of ineptitude when the reporter asks the audience "Are we the condemned?" In short, while they are laughably bad, WWE Films so far has yet to create an enjoyable B-Movie.
But hey, who needs that when World Wrestling Entertainment is making a STATEMENT! Too bad for them that Paul Verhoven, George Romero, and even Eli Roth have too, and to much better success.
Rating: 3 out of 10.