Jump to content
TSM Forums
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
  • entries
    357
  • comments
    369
  • views
    40925

About this blog

It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.

Entries in this blog

How To Vibrate
 

Abortion Fest '08 (or, Thanksgiving with relatives)

There's a lot of reasons why people don't want to go to meet relatives for Thanksgiving-mine just happens to be politics.   You see, I was raised Catholic (I consider myself a non-religious believer now), and well, my mom's side of the family is very Catholic and very strict about it. That means every issue for them turns into abortion. They obsess over it. That's the main reason they vote Republican-they hate abortion. Everytime you try to point out that they are wrong (no, Sarah Palin was not very bright, there's a reason more young people voted), they tell you "well, Obama's going to abort all the babies." I can understand why someone wouldn't like Obama (I did vote for him, but come on, this is America), but for the main reason being "grrr ABORTION!", that's just close minded. It was like talking to those people at Pro-Life rallies that hold pictures of aborted fetuses and shove them in your face, screaming "YOU SEE! YOU SEE!" Yes, I see, and that's a disgusting picture. Get that shit out of my face.   So yeah, Thanksgiving was fun when people weren't talking politics. Too bad about 65% of it was just that. I actually went into it thinking "I am not going to talk politics." That's wishful thinking. I hope your Thanksgiving was better.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

2
How To Vibrate
 

A Wrong Way to Rock and a Wrong Way to Roll

-Well, you won't be hearing me talk about homework for a while, because I'm done for the semester. Also, the weather is great today.   -The season premier of "Tom Goes To The Mayor" debuted last night. I don't care what anybody says: This show is hilarious. I love it because it's unconventional, and because it pisses off losers on the internet.   -It seems like Rob Zombie will be doing the next Halloween movie. Rob, I personally think that this is a bad idea. Stick to whatever it is you want to direct , and please direct an episode of "Masters of Horror."   -Bush is trying to ban gay marriage. You know, I have to ask the question: what is so bad about gay marriage?Lets face it folks: it isn't hurting anybody, and marriage isn't exactlly a sacred bond anymore. Besides, I think gay couples have every right to be miserable and wonder what they were thinking when they married the person they thought was right for them as straight couples do, though that's probably just me.   -I was at Meijer today, and stumbled upon a novelazation of WWE's slasher flick "See No Evil". I skimmed through a few pages, and got a good chuckle out of it. Didn't buy it though.   That's all for now.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

2
How To Vibrate
 

A week later...

-A week ago, we learned that Chris Benoit was murderer.   Since then, things seemed to have cooled down fortunately. The thread about Benoit's death became a complete clusterfuck. Deon made the biggest ass of himself (not that it's a major accomplishment for him) and we didn't learn jack shit about anything, other than Benoit was a fucked up individual.   -I'm going to see an early show of "Transformers" tonight at midnight. Lucky me. I'll tell you how it is next time. The good reviews are good, while the bad ones seem to be clueless, especially the one from Slant Magazine.   Sorry about the tiny update.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

A visit to Dr. Octagoncologyst

-Hillary Clinton chose a Celine Dion song as her campaign song. I would have had her go with Cum Drenched Tits by William H. Nutsack. At least Kerry had the decency to go with Zeppelin.   -Band of the moment: The Angelic Process, who are like Doom Metal meets The Swans meets My Bloody Valentine meets Sigur Ros. I love this stuff, and their new album is in my future purchases list.   -I mentioned Dr. Dre's The Chronic, and I can't believe that I forgot how awesome that album really is. The production is so top notch, it's practically a joke (I'm a sucker for really good hip hop production), and damnit, "Lyrical Gangbang" is underrated. I should probably do a "best hip hop albums of all time" list, but that would be too hard.   -This is what Scientoligists actually believe. I really, really hope that someday, this whole cult disappears. Then again, there are people who believe that they are dragons, they just aren't dangerous.   Yeah, sorry for the boring entry.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

A Virgin Among The Living Dead (Day 25)

25.) A Virgin Among The Living Dead (1973)

Plot: While at her dead relatives castle, a woman finds herself in a world of satanic rituals and the undead.

Review: I've reviewed a Jess Rollin movie, now it's time to look at one from his doppleganger so to speak, in Jess Franco. Granted, Franco's movies range from entertaining trash to unwatchable crap, but "A Virgin Among The Living Dead", while not unwatchable, feels a bit undercooked.

Sure, the requisite female nudity and lesbian content is there, as are creepy undead reminiscent of Carnival of Souls, and some great atmosphere. However, there are also far too many dull patches in the movie, as it almost feels like Franco was half assing the whole ordeal at times, taking interesting moments and essentially making you wonder "well, why isn't he doing anything here?" That out of the way, the score by Bruno Niccolai is great, an quite catchy at times.

The other problem though, and possibly the biggest flaw, is the disheartening thing about the whole movie, is the jumbled nature of it all. Like several of Franco's movies, it goes from Gothic Horror to Erotic Nonsense too frequently. sure, Horror and eroticism can go hand in hand, but when the creepy or erotic moments do occur, they feel like they don't gel (save for some lesbian blood drinking.)

"A Virgin Among The Living Dead", while far from Franco's worst (That would be either Oasis of the Zombies or Devil Hunter), has too many problems to recommend it, except as a curiosity. It may not be good, but you won't see many movies quite like it.

Rating: 5.5/10 Coulda been a contender really. Great Poster art though.

Next Up: Dead & Buried
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

A trip to Wal-Mart

Note: if you are expecting a "Walmart is the scorn of America because it's an evil corperation and it ruins smaller ones" rant, then this is not the entry for you. Otherwise, enjoy   I went to Walmart last Tuesday. Normally, I only go there to get food, but other than that, I usually don't go there. Not because they"are trying to destroy the world" as some would want you to believe, but because other than the low prices, they just don't interest me. Oh, and because of the customers and workers.   Anywho, I decided that I need a new pair of headphones, so I asked where they are located. The girl I asked in the electronics looked at me for about fifteen seconds like I was an idiot. Now maybe I should have known where they were, but that's beyond the point. As I already said, I normally don't go to Walmart, so how the hell should I know where the headphones are in the electronics section? She eventually helped me, but still looked at me like I was retarded.   The people at the cash register aren't any better. They were either a.) old people who should be retired already or b.) lazy teenagers who have no clue how their jo works. I ended up getting the teen. It was some fat chick, who always seemed pissed off and was also rude, though not as bad as the girl that I mentioned earlier. Oh, and she was also fat. What is it about Walmart that seems to attract fat people?   Oh, and there is a reason that this place is called "white trash capital of the world": because it is dangerously filled with white trash. You know, unwashed, tattooed guys with horrendous mullets, and mothers who hit their children in public. Oh, and ladies, leave that shit at home. Hell, leave your kids at home. I don't need to hear you yelling at them and smacking them around in public. That's just disturbing.   So, what did I learn from all of this? I learned that next time I need headphones, I'll go to Radio Shack.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

5
How To Vibrate
 

A review of "The Bighead"

Sick. Perverted. Pornographic. Politically Incorrect. Darkly Comic. Scatalogical. Tasteless. Blasphemous. Disgusting. Evil. These are just some of the words that could describe Edward Lee's book "The Bighead"   First, a little background info on the man himself. Ed Lee is one of the most hardcore horror authors out there. Sure, he has written mainstram fare, a childrens book, and is a hell of a pulp horror writer (see "Creekers" and "Coven" for examples). However, it's works like "Goon", "The Pig", Ever Nat", and other small publisher books that have gained him notority. It's easy to see why, also. The are violent, repugnant, pornographic, and warped tales of grotesque erotic horror, laced in pitch black horror. Out of all his works though, his most well known is "The Bighead"   The Bighead tells the tale of Luntville, and two city girls: Charity and Jerrica, visiting Charity's aunt. While Charity is having problems finding the right man, Jerrica is a sex addict, who has taken a liking to a foul mouthed priest in Father Thomas, who is being haunted in his dreams by two nuns from hell, who have some stomach churning fetishes. Oh, and there are two sick rednecks, Travis and Dicky, who will rape and kill anyone in their path. Let's just say that these guys and the nuns give the book "American Psycho" a run for it's money in the torture and rape department.   Oh, and there is the legend of The Bighead. Who is the Bighead? Why, he's a seven foot something inches tall homocidal pervert with a hydrophalic (giant head filled with water) and a fourteen inch long cock, who loves rape, murder, and brain eating. And it seems Charity's Aunt Annie knows a bit too much about him...   Before you think of reading this, I might want to warn you: this book is sick. There's rape, murder, cannibalism, loads of sex, scatology, watersports, urinary catherization, sacriligious behaviour, abortion, babies having their heads smashed in, and more. This stuff makes "Jackass" look like the Teletubbies. If you think nothing can gross you out, then this will prove you wrong.   But is it a good?   Well yes, it is. For all the disgusting moments and general sickness on display, this book works. This is mainly due to it's warped sense of humor. One way to look at it is a horror answer to "The Aristocrats", in the fact that it constantly one ups itself with sick moments.   Also, the characters are interesting. The reader goes on to feel bad for Father Thomas, who only wants to do the right thing, as well as Jerrica. The other great thing is the redneck stereotypes, ranging from Travis (who outdoes the sickos from "Deliverence"), Dicky, and even handyman Goop Gooder. Over the top redneck dialogue, booger pickeng, and a general lack of "edu-ma-cation" makes for a good laugh.   There are a few problems. In particular, how have Dicky and Travis been able to get away with their rape and murder spree for so long? Oh, and the ending, when you find out Bighead's origins, will either disappoint you, or you will have no problem with it.   In the end, "Bighead" is a sick, demented ride of pornographic, scatalogical, and sadistic horrors that will either have you disgusted, or laughing your ass off. I ended up doing both.   8.5/10   You can get it here.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

A picture of Steph's Baby

After countless web searching, I have found a picture of Stephanie McMahon's new baby. Here's the picture, in all it's glory:   now, onto other things   -Slant has to be one of the most retarded webzines online. If it wasn't for their undying love of Dario Argento Movies, I'd write them off completly.   -That Yates chick was found not guilty by insanity. My response: bullshit. It was five children, her own children might I add- that she killed. I don't care how crazy she is, that should count as guilty.   -Ever heard of David Icke? He's an anti-semetic nutcase who believes in a reptlilian alien illuminati that has taken over the government. Oh, and he thinks he's the son of God. And that he can communicate with the spirit world. His message board is full of wackos. Also, he thinks that somehow, the matrix is real, and he's had several books published.   -Lance Bass is gay. As I said in the music board, I thought he was "Bi, Bi, Bi". Christ, that joke sucked.   -Finally, Leena's avatar pictures are awesome as of late. Keep 'em coming Leeners.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

A message to Chazz

Look, just wanted to let you know that you aren't threatening or imposing in any way, shape, or form, that you are terrible at comebacks (seriously, "Your Mom" jokes?) and insults (LOL OBAMA SOUNDS LIKE OSAMA, SO I'LL CALL HIM OSAMA!!! AREN'T I CLEVER), and that you are annoying if anything. So yeah, you should shut the fuck up.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

5
How To Vibrate
 

A Magic Carpet Ride To Hell

-Well, it's been a while, but I'm back. I've been busy with classes (Literary studies, Short Story Writing II, Poetry, II, and Wight Lifting-No, I've met nobody like wildpegasus). They've been fine, I guess. Met a cool guy who's a fellow horror fan, and writes on occasion, so that's pretty cool.   -Anyways, Hotbutter was banned again, this time using the allias "Dirty Killingsocks." He's like wildpegasus, only amusing and not pathetic.   -I recently saw the "Cast Your Dream Porno" thread, and all I can say is...wow. I don't mind seing a girl get fucked in the ass, but Double Anal is not for me. Neither is watersports, bestiality scat, rape play, or anything that's well...sick, though I've read my fare share of horror stories with that kind of shit. Also, I like porn as much as the next guy, and I can see someone buying or renting one, but why would anyone become a connoiseur of it? Besides, there porn everywhere on the net, so what's the point of owing one. Ok, I casn see someone owning something like "Debbie Does Dallas" for historical purposes, but still, what's the deal. It's not the 80's anymore, we don't need to rent porn, because it's right there, and sometimes it's free. But that's just my opinion.   In a nutshell, I like porn as much as the next guy, but I'm not exactly an enthusiast.   -I might watch Raw tonight, since I'm (mostly) done with homework, and I've got nothing else to do. There's really nothing else on.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

5
How To Vibrate
 

A look at the year so far

Music   We got new albums from: Ghostface Killah (best album of the year so far), Revolting Cocks (a dissapointment), Ministry (also a disappointment) The Sounds (a guilty pleasure to be sure), Current 93 (great album) Pet Shop Boys (good album), Mono, J. Dilla, and others who escape my mind right now.   Songs I don't want to hear anymore: "Ridin' Dirty" by Chamillionaire, "Move Along" by All American Rejects, anything from Hawthourne Heights, "Snap Your Fingers" bu Lil' Jon and the Eastside Boys   Guilty Pleasures-anything from Rhianna, "Ain't No Other Man" by Christina Agulaira.   Movies   The WWE released "See No Evil", which I didn't see, and I'm glad I didn't   "X-Men 3" came out. I eventually saw it (I know, after I said I wouldn't) with an open mind, and was still disappointed.   "Superman Returns" came out today and I'll see it on Friday.   "Hostel" disturbed the audience I saw it with, while "Slither" did bad boxoffice sadly, and I still haven't seen "Hard Candy" yet.   Al Gore's documentary about global warming came out to tell us how WE DIDN'T LISTEN!   A remake of "The Omen" came out, and sucked   The internet became even more obsessed with "Snakes on a Plane", and the joke just isn't funny anymore.   TV   "The Shield" kicked all of our asses with how awesome it is.   "South Park" was a mixed bag, with great episodes (Return of Chef, Cartoon Wars, TSST!) and some bad ones (ManBearPig, Smug Alert, A Million Little Fibers).   Adult Swim gave us new episodes of "The Venture Brothers" and "Tom Goes To The Mayor" and the pilot for "Korgoth of Barbaria", which made me happy. They also gave us "Moral Orel" (which tries way too hard) and "Minoriteam"(why?), which didn't make me happy.   Family Guy continued to be a shell of what was once a great show.   Bill O' Reilly became even more obnoxious.   Glenn Beck came in and annoyed me, while Olbermann is becoming too smug, and starting to become a little less amusing.   Henry Rollins got a new show, and it bores me.   The Internet   I gave you folks my blog, and you've been suffering because of it ever since.   Fark just doesn't amuse me anymore. Sure, some of the photoshop contests are cool, but some of the people who post there are total retards.   ytmnd declared war on Scientology.   I got in my first internet argument in my long time on the net with one Red Hot Thumbtack in the eye over the fact that I don't like the band Burzum.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

A List of Shitty Horror Movies

You know, I've seen a lot of Horror movies in my lifetime. Hell, probably more than I can remember. Anyways, I've seen some good ones, some great ones, some ok ones, some guilty pleasures, and some really horrible ones. Here's a list of some of the really horrible ones.   Strangeland-Dee Snider (Yes, of Twisted Sister fame) produced, wrote, and stars in this shitty S&M and internet themed horror film as Captain Howdy (yes, from "The Exorcist"), a guy who likes to lure teenage girls via chatrooms into his lair, so that he can torture and mutilater them, and who says really pathetic pseudo-intellectual bullshit. Also stars Robert Englund (who you end up seeing spread eagle in his tightie whities), Kevin Gage, and Linda Cardellini as one of Howdy's victims. Yes, you see poor Linda Cardellini tortured and mutilated.   Dario Argento's The Phantom of the Opera-How could Dario Argento fuck this one up? The first in the man's unfortunate decline, this one stars Julian Sands as a disfigured killer raised by rats, who falls for Asia Argento, and kills anynody who harms his rats. In spite of some decent kills, this is a disaster. See Argento's "Opera" instead of this one. Still, it's at least better than the 2004 "Phantom of the Opera"   Manhattan Baby-Some people will tell you that Lucio Fulci is one of the greatest horror director's that ever lived. If you ask me, he's just a guy who got lucky a few times, and directed a whole lot of shitty movies. This one is probably his worst. Basically, archaelogists unleash an evil Egyptian spirit, which possesses the daughter of one of the professors, and murders ensue. A real bore, without any interesting kills, atmosphere, or anything else.   Faust: Love For the Damned-Brian Yuzna has really gone under a decline. This poorly done adaptation of the XXX comic (so, why bother doing it as an R-rated movie?) is horribly acted, corny, and while it has it's moments, is a bore. It also really wastes the talents of Jeffrey Combs and Andrew ("Wishmaster") Divoff. See "Return of the Living Dead 3" instead of this.   Meat Market-I'll never understand the appeal of these dreadful shot on camcorder zombie movies. This movie has lesbian vampires, a luchador, and decent gore effects, yet blows it all on piss poor acting (it's obvious no one in it has had any acting lessons), poor attempts to mimick much better zombie movies, and dreadful attempts at comedy.   From Dusk Till Dawn II: Texas Blood Money-Directed by "Evil Dead" producer Scott Spiegel, this shitfest, in spite of appearences from Bruce Campbell and Danny Trejo, actually manages to be worse than your average Direct-To-Video sequal thanks to bland as hell characters, a disappointing finale, and a waste of talent.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

A list of Creepy TV shows

In the history of television, there have always been shows that creeped me out for some reason or another. Here's a list of those shows.   -Wondershowzen: Granted, I like this show, but when people call it ther anti-Sesame Street, it's true. It's funny, but good God it's disturbing. The "Beat Kids" segments, while amusing, are just flat out creepy. How the hell do they get these kids to say this stuff anyways?   -MadTV: Not only the worst comedy show on TV. The skits were Michael "Being the Voice of Ghandi on Clone-High is the only good thing that happened in my career and oh God please, kill me before I open my fucking mouth" McDonald plays a man-child are not only lame, but also creepy. And I mean "Prisoners masturbate to this" creepy.   -Lazytown: If you've ever flipped through channels in the afternoon. then there's a good chance that you've seen this nightmare from Nick jr. Featuring unhealthy attention to men's packages and asses, and creepy puppets, this show is as disturbing as children's entertainment hets. The kicker though, is Stephanie, a girl (who's 15) with a pink wig and a disturbingly short skirt, who's become a pin-up fantasy for pedophiles world wide.   -Totally Spies: I've seen this on Cartoon Network, and I refuse to believe that it's a show for little girls. That's because each and every episode seems to have moments that focus on what get's the lonley animators off. Oh, and there's constant attention paid to female ass. While I have no problem looking at chicks asses, the fact that this is a cartoon, and for kids, puts a bad taste in my mouth. See also: Code Lyoko.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

9
How To Vibrate
 

A Letter to Leena

Dear Leena,   I doubt you are reading this-actually, since you seem to have OCD when it comes to TSM, you probably are, so here goes: People don't like you not because you just happen to be a woman. People don't like you because you're you. You are completely unlikable, do nothing but act superior to others, have mood swings, and behave like a total bitch. Maybe if you didn't obsess over this place (seriously, there's other message boards better and worse than this one), and got an attitude adjustment, then you wouldn't be a punchline. And who obsesses over a fucking message board anyway? How much free time do you have in your hands? We aren't forums.somethingawful.com ya know. My guess: a lot. Really, we aren't worthy of so much attenton. Maybe you just do this because it gets you the attention you cannot obtain in the real world (you know, that amazing place outside of the internet-yes, it really exists!) So in short: get a life, and drop the martyr complex.   Love, gary floyd   P.S. Paul fucking sucks.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

1
How To Vibrate
 

A Game Called "Spanking The Monkey"

-Shit, this has been a boring weekend. I've been stuck with homework, and the only time I get to go out is for dinner. Basically, I've been stuck in my dorm all weekend.   -I've been doing a lot of reading at night, mostly Richard Matheson. I love this guys work, and he's second to H.P. Lovecraft in my favorite horror authors of all time.   -Watched "Cabin Fever" last night. I still love that movie, so fuck the haters. For those of you who do love it, just some advice: You need to watch it more than once. The more you watch it, the more you'll recognize stuff and dialogue you didn't recognize before.   -I really don't have much else to say, so here's some YTMND links For Ya   Interpretation of the David Hasslehoff Song "Du" (I need to download this song some time) Scooby DU Return of the Mack Return of The Retun of The Mack Return of The Return of TheReturn of The Mack Return of The Return of The Return of The Return of The Mack and Finally Return of The Jesus      
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

A Day in the Blagojevich Trial

Well, at least when he starts showing up   .9:30-Blagojevich enters building   .9:45-Jesse Jackson's kid comments on accusations while under oath. He begins to speak like his father, saying "I wanna cut (Rod's) nuts off."   .10:00-Blagojevich saddened when he learns Sifl and Olly can't be a part of his defense team-and that they are fictional characters.   .10:25-Blagojevich tries to defend his "Harry Potter" slash fan fiction.   .10:35-Blagojevich and prosecutors come to agreement that "Blagosphere" is one of the most retarded things ever to be uttered by the news media.   .10:55-Blagojevich compares self to The GZA.   .11:30-Judge giggles and titters like a schoolgirl when he discovers Zach Effron is one of the prosecutors.   .11:45-Awkward moment in which Rahm Emanuel says he can still smell wife on his index and middle fingers.   .11:50-Things become more awkward when someone says they "smell a little bit of the gay around here." Enigma is then expelled from the building. Sadly, he still posts at TSM.   .12:00-Lunchbreak! Today it's Dominos. Rahm's wife thinks it's too much like wet cardboard with cheese and Pizzasauce.   .1:00-Trial resumes.   .1:45-Illinois Senator Dick Durbin tells us us of his anger over "The Wrestler" and "The Dark Knight" not being nominated for best picture.   .2:15-Robert Byrd shows up for no reason-it happens from time to time.   .2:50-Burris says something about a "serial pillist"   .3:15-Harry Reid disagrees with Blagojevich's "National Jingus Sucks Week" initiative. Nation mourns.   .3:50-Senate confused when Blagojevich says "she rolled on my dick like an ectasy pill."   .4:00-Trial ends for the day.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

8-6

08.) Aerosmith-Rock in a Hard Place At this point in their career, Aerosmith were in some serious trouble. We all know about the drugs and whatnot, and Joe Perry and Brad Whitford being kicked out. The result? Fortunately, not something that tries to keep up with the times, but Aerosmith's worst. "Joanie's Butterfly" is a real cringer, with it's bad attempt at psychedellia, while "Jailbait" sounds like a bad leftover song, as does much of the album. At least Joe Perry returned after this one.   07.) Elvis Presley-Having Fun on Stage No it's not music. It's Elvis in his 70's lowpoint, basically talking on stage. That's right, an album of Elvis doing nothing but talking, telling jokes (you haven't lived untill you've heard Elvis try to impersonate a Black Woman), asking for a glass of water, showing us eleven ways to pronounce "Memphis", and generally making an ass of himself. This was released thanks to Col. Tom Parker BTW, and was actually released as a legitimate concert album. Strangest of all: There's 5 fucking volumes of this. No, I'm not kidding you, there is 5 volumes of this. And let me remind you, this wasn't released to piss off the label, like Metal Machine Music-this really was released as a serious, legitimate album.   06.) Mick Jagger-She's the Boss Ok, I can understand Mick wanting to do an album that doesn't sound much like the Stones, but this is unforgiveable. Featuring a who's who of artists (Herbie Hancock, Pete Townsend, and even Jeff Beck) to do a generic. dated, and all around awful album. Actually, now that I think about it, all of Jaggers solo work sucks, but this really bears to be mentioned because it's the first one that came to mind. Oh, and don't get me started on the cover.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

5-3

05.) Chunky A-Large and In Charge What's the worst hip-hop album ever recorded? Why, it's Large and In charge, which is also the worst comedy album of all time. First, some backstory: Chunky A was actually Arsenio Hall, playing his overweight brother, who decided to cut this album. The result: The so bad it will make you want to kill yourself "Aaaaww!", bad parodies ("She Drives me Crazy" becomes "The Ho is Lazy." Weird Al he isn't), and "Dope: The Big Lie", which is the funniest anti-drug song ever recorded, simply because it is the one song on the album that tries to make a serious statement. Oh, and Ice-T and KRS-One appear on it (I'm suprised KRS is able to live this down) This OOP, and if you ever do find it, don't bother. It's so bad it doesn't even warrent a curiosity buy.   04.) Metallica-St. Anger A five year wait that wasn't worth it, St. Anger was intended to be not only the return of Metallica after Load (which while not perfect, is far from one of the worst albums ever recorded) and Reload (a bad album with a few good moments), but also the return of their older sound. That never happened. What we got instead was bad singing ("KILL! KILL! KILL!"), bad lyrics ("My Lifestyle determines my Deathstyle"), hardly any guitar solos, the song "Invisible Kid", self help lyrics, drums that sound like tin cans, and no idea what made Metallica what they are (or were) in the first place. If you ever wanted to know what a band taking a huge shit on their fans sounds like, here you go.   03.) Pink Floyd-A Momentary Lapse in Reason When Roger Waters left Pink Floyd, fans wondered if the band would ever do another album again. That happened-it just wasn't what most wanted. While it says it's a Pink Floyd album, it's basically a David Gilmour solo album. Sure, it has his trademark guitar work, but it also has bad attempts at Talking Heads like funk, songs that sound too much like Dave wants them to be a part of The Wall ("Sorrow"), really dated pieces of radio friendly bullshit ("Learning to Fly"), bad attempts to capture the past ("Signs of Life"), and meandering songs that go nowhere-which is where the whole album goes. It's the worst Pink Floyd album, and though it sold a whole lot of copies, it's not much an album as much as it is a disaster.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

4
How To Vibrate
 

5 Things that are "cool" to hate on the Internet (abd why that hate is dumb)

Al Gore gave us the internet in I don't really remember. If he knew that it would give us pathetic "reality" porn sites, an outlet for furries, message board "wars", wanna be tough guys, hacker speech, and Rule # 34, he probably would kill himself. If there is anything the net has become know for in my experience, it's this: a place for fat, unwashed, virginal nerds to complain about things that really aren't worth complaining about. Here's the 5 things it's "cool" to hate on the net, and why in the end, it's dumb to hate them.   5.) Musicians that take chances   Why: Most people hate change, especially in music. Hell, I do too sometimes (DJ Shadow's The Outsider, Cabaret Voltaire's foray into House music), but sometimes, it's retarded. Look at how a few (fortunately, just a few) are already reacting to Portishead's new album, to how some Black Metal fags have responded to band's like Amesoeurs, Alcest, and Velvet Cocoon trying something different within the genre.   Why it's stupid : Look, it's not your choice how the artist sounds, it's the artists. Besides, even if it's a disaster, you have to at least give them credit for doing something different.   Will it last: This has been going on long before the internet, so yes, it will last forever.   4.) South Park   Why: Over the years, more and more people have been getting BUTT hurt over South Park making fun of their political views. When they did the "ManBearPig" episode, Liberals complained about it "preaching a conservative agenda." (I just thought it wasn't a funny episode.) Besides, these are very political times, and if you don't agree with somebody's political views, then you are either a thin skinned liberal or a nazi sympathizing neocon.   Why it's stupid: Whining about political views on the net, much like in real life, accomplishes nothing. You may feel passionately about them, but at the end of the day 1.) The world won't change tomorrow because of them and 2.) In the large scheme of things, they don't count. They are just opinions people. Besides, if everyone everywhere agreed on everything, life would be boring.   Will it last: I honestly think that the only way this will end is when Bush leaves office and if McCain doesn't win the 2008 election. It will be then that people quit calling the show propaganda.   3.) Libertarians   Why: When Ron Paul started running in 2007, he became a hero to some who felt that Bush had been a disaster, the Iraq War was a fuck up, and that we needed somebody who was different. Sadly, it ended up attracting anti-semitic and conspiracy theory spewing retards claiming to be Libertarians while having no idea what Libertarianism actually is.   Why it's stupid: A part of this isn't really that dumb. I wouldn't blame people (especially those who actually are Libertarians) for hating this phenomenon. However, it also boils down to the "you don't agree with my political views, so you suck" problem, in which angry conservatives and liberals insult these guys for daring to disagree.   Will it last: It should end by the year's end, then return in the next election.   2.) Juno   Why: "Juno" was the little indie comedy of 2007 that got ton's of acclaim and hype, even getting Oscar nominations (and winning best original screenplay-I don't think it deserved that...). By the time February rolled around though, people everywhere on the internet were bitching about the movie, calling it "The Death of the American Independent Movie" (as pbone called it)   Why it's stupid: While I liked the movie, I can understand people hating it. It didn't deserve all those nominations, and some of the dialog annoyed me. That out of the way, a part of the hatred seemed to come from some feeling like it was "test marketed for hipsters", which largely doesn't make sense to me. The other problem for them is that it's a popular indie comedy, and if history shows, popular indie movies ("Napoleon Dynamite", "Cabin Fever", "The Blair Witch Project") are automatically cool to hate in some people's minds. Look, just because a movie get's a ton of hype doesn't mean it's a bad movie. Sure, it might not live up to all your expectations, but it isn't worth all that venom.   Will it last: Give it another year or two. The next indie comedy hit will come out, and then people will go on to bitch about that.   1.) Hip Hop   Why: Internet nerds feel threatened by what they don't understand-be it liberals, conservatives, Indie Music, or Extreme Metal. No musical genre online though, gets the hatred Hip Hop does. Basically, it offends some people's overly white view of the world, so they lash out at it because they don't understand it. That out of the way, the homophobia and misogyny of several rapper's doesn't help matters, nor do guys like Lil' Jon and Yung Joc.   Why it's stupid: I can understand people not liking guys like Soulja Boy and Lil' Mama, or the crassness some artists use. But to dismay the entire genre is stupid. People used to do the same thing about Frank Zappa and Led Zeppelin, and still say the same about Heavy Metal. Plus, there's the whole not understanding it-to lash out at the genre because you don't understand it is as stupid as it gets. If anything, it's close minded and willfully ignorant.   Will it last: These complaints have been going on since the 80's, so it will never end. As long as Hip Hop exists, there will sadly still be fat guys with mullets and Boston T-Shirts or Greasy guys with long hair and Pantera T-Shirts complaining about Hip Hop. It's a cycle that will sadly never end.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

3
How To Vibrate
 

47-45, Karl Rove get's Ill

-Before we get back to the countdown, Here's Karl Rove setting white people back. Word. I never thought I'd say it, but poor Karl Rove...   Now, thw countdown countinues   47.) Neil Young-Landing on Water I love Neil Young. Hell, who doesn't? That out of the way, nobody loves this album. Here, Neil tries to mix the style of his band Crazy Horse with modern music styles-and it all falls apart. The album is incredibly dated, and I'm sorry Neil, but loud 80's Drums don't fit you. The whole album is hard to listen to (yes, even harder than Eveybody's Rockin', though that ones forgivable for the fact that Young was intentionally trying to piss off Geffen.)   46.) Hammer-The Funky Headhunter Let's face it, while it's hard to take him seriously, you can't deny that guys like MC Hammer helped Hip-Hop crossover to the pop mainstream. When he tried to reinvent himself as a Gangsta rapper, you can guess how well that turned out. Sure, "Pumps and a Bump" may be one of the great idiotic Rap tunes, but the whole album is laughably bad because he actually tries to pull this off without a single hint of irony. Think about this: the guy who had a Saturday Morning cartoon tried to come off as a hardcore rapper. Cool album title though...   45.) The Rolling Stones-Dirty Work Just like Neil Young a year earlier, The Rolling Stones try to fit in with the times-and fail. The Rolling Stones with synthesized production? No. Also, the band sounds bored, especially Jagger, who sounds like he doesn't know why he's doing this. Even Tom Waits, or as Incandenza likes to call him, God, can't save the album with his appearence. Oh, and the album cover is one of the worst album covers ever made.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

45

Well, before I finish the list of the most pretentious bands and albums of all time, there's some cool news for you horror fans: Dario Argento Ready to Shot Long Awaited Third Part of his Three Mother Triology This is so fucking cool.   And now, the conclusion to our list   Emerson, Lake, and Palmer-I always hated this band. While I was never big on Progressive Rock (though does Krautrock count, because I love Krautrock), this band always annoyed me. The annoying keyboard solos, the laughable attempts at mixing classical music with rock, the self indulgence, the fact that they actually recorded an albums with a straight face...the list goes on.   Interestingly enough, Keith Emmerson did the score to Dario Argento's "Infrerno", and I actually like that score.   Vanilla Fudge-The Beat Goes On-Your winner in most pretentious album of all time, and one of the worst albums of all time, is this dandy. First of all, some background: VF weren't a bad band. Hell, I always thought that they were underappreciated as far as late 60's/early 70's hard rock bands go. Anyways, in 1969, the band recorded this album It says in it's notes (and I'm not making this up) that the album was inspired by The Beatles, Brahm, Mozart, and...Sonny Bono. Yes, you read that right. The band thought that Sonny fucking Bono was comparable to Mozart.   The concept of the album? The end of the 60's, and various moments in American History. All set to Sonny Bono's "And The Beat Goes On". Oh, and there are covers of songs, including a Beatles song, and several classical tunes. And sample of JFK being announced shot and killed, The announcement that we bombed Japan, and other such things. Oh, and clips of interviews with the band, one member saying "the music industry is so disheartening", as well as horrible free form poetry.   And there you have it folks. ELP are the most pretentious band of all time, and "The Beat Goes On" by Vanilla Fudge is the most pretentious album of all time.   Next time: Back to Regular old Entries.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

44-42

44.) Pink Floyd-The Final Cut Technically, it's not really a Pink Floyd album when you think about it. It's really more of a Roger Waters solo album. It still sucks though. I can understand Water's anger and sadness in the album (He did lose his father to WW II) but politically, it's incredibly preachy. Musically, it's adventerous, but doesn't work out in the end, and it covers material he covered in th past-and did a better job of covering.   43.) A Perfect Circle-eMotive How do you fail to make a political message? Do what APC did, and do a series of dreadful cover songs. Turning What's Goin' On? into a shitty industrial rock song, ruining Black Flag's Gimme Gimmie Gimmie, turning Lennon's Imagine into a dreadful Goth Rock cover that would embaress even Marylin Manson (who's done his share of shitty covers)-the list just goes on. Look, I hate Bush too, but this may be the worst anti-Bush album ever recorded, and that says something. Especially when that album ends up being worse than Limp Bizkit's attempt at Bush bashing. Seriously, fuck you Maynard.   42.) Roger Waters-Radio K.A.O.S. I don't know what's sadder-that Roger Waters left Pink Floyd, or that David Gilmour has done better solo albums than Waters. This 1987 shitastrophe is a concept album about a wheelchair-bound boy who tries to stop Nuclear War through his handy-dandy HAM radio. At this point, Waters hatred of war has reached levels of self-parody, and the whole album itself is so bad its hilarious-thanks especially in part to the involvement of the Radio DJ. A better title could have been "Hey, Roger Waters is trying to make a statement-again. What else could I listen to..."
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

2
How To Vibrate
 

41-39

41.) Current 93-Aryan Aquarians Some artists release albums so bad even they don't want anybody to hear it. David Tibet, who I think is awesome, has every right to be embarresed by this album. A dreadful attempt at synth-pop, the album is bad in every way imaginable. It's almost as if he and hid friends recorded this as a joke. If that's the case, then it's not a funny one.   40.) Rage Against The Machine-Renegades Yet another shitty covers album. Hearing Devo's Beautiful World and Bob Dylan's Maggie Farm get butchered is one thing. The real crime though, is hearing such Hip-Hop classics such as Afrika Bambaata's Renegades of Funk, Erik B. and Rakim's Microphone Fiend, Cypress Hill's How I Could Just Kill A Man, and Volume Ten's Pistol Grip Pump get ruined. These travesty's thus make it slightly worse tham A Perfect Circles also shitty eMotive.   39.) Yes-Big Generator There is nothing worse than a good band with a hit doing a failed attempt to capitalize on that hit. That's all Big Generator is. he band does see them try to go back to their old style, and it was a big hit, ot also sounds too much like they are conflicted with making another hit and returning back to their roots. The result is this album, which never finds it's voice, and ends up sounding like a lost cause. Cool album cover though...
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
×