Normally I stick to writing about baseball, but sometimes topics come around that are too good to pass up. Logging onto ESPN.com, I was greated with a request to take a short survey. Ok, these are short and relatively painless. I'm paraphrasing the first two questions.

Year of birth, how many hours do you spend on the internet?

21-30 hours, 1981. My town doesn't have nightlife and I prefer the internet over television.

Are you familiar with a term called Erectile Disfunction?

And I thought I was forward. Yes, it's kind of hard to miss.

On a 1-5 scale, how would you describe your level of awareness of the symptoms of erectile dysfunction (ED)?

Depends on what you mean by awareness. And really, how unaware can you be of the symptoms? There's just one. It's when you look down and notice your erectile is disfunctioning.

Please indicate how strongly you agree or disagree with each of the following statements.

There are effective treatments for erectile dysfunction

Drugs? No. Women? Yes. Somehow I doubt ESPN.com intends to try and sell me the former.

Erectile dysfunction is a common problem among men your age

If by that you mean the damned urge won't go away, then yes.

You would like to learn more about erectile dysfunction

It just occurs to me that the survey didn't ask about my gender. Why yes, I find erectile dysfunction fascinating. When I sit down with my buddies to watch baseball, we regularly mute the game so we can sit in a circle and learn more about how our dicks are working (and not working). I take notes and pay visits to girlfriends later. I'm smart like that.

Millions of men are being safely and successfully treated for erectile dysfunction

Is this a survey or a quiz?

Half of all men over 30 have some form of ED

Strongly disagree. It should be noted that functional umm, operations can lead to successful sex and then childbirth, which I oppose.

If you thought you or your male partner might suffer from the symptoms of erectile dysfunction (ED), how comfortable would you feel talking to your doctor about it?

I don't even like talking to my doctor about my diabetes.

How interested are you in learning more information about erectile dysfunction (ED)?

Ha.

How likely are you to talk to your doctor about erectile dysfunction (ED)?

I'm shocked I'm even talking to YOU.

How likely are you to look for information online about erectile dysfunction (ED)?

This blog is as far as it gets.

Do you recall seeing an online advertisement about erectile dysfunction (ED)?

No, and that's legit. I've trained myself not to notice online advertising.

Do you recall seeing an online advertisement featuring Dr. Drew in a stadium?

I've seen Kimberly Franklin in a stadium (Gang bang Girl 32).

When thinking of products for improving men’s erections, what ONE brand comes to mind first?

Hustler.

And so on. Luckily I have an ESPN Insider pass from a friend, so ESPN.com now knows how interested a certain TSM Moderator is about erectile dysfunction. Personally, I never knew focus marketing could be so blatant and yet so vauge. They should just come out and say, "should we advertise viagra on our website?" That would save everyone a lot of trouble. Because frankly, when ESPN.com starts asking me about my medical history, survey over.

I'd just like to know what type of person answers "why yes, I'd love to know more about erectile dysfunction." No jokes about current TSM posters please.