So, despite that horrible 3-week stretch of 5-13, I finished 34-26, or 56.7%. I'll try it again next football season.

 

Week #10 (5-1)

 

NFL

 

SWERVE! I hereby resign the office of NFL handicapper. I'm picking the bowl games.

 

NCAAF

 

1. Navy +8.5 at Utah. (Utah 35, Navy 32.) Anchors aweigh! My beloved Navy THREW a 58-yard pass in the last minute in order to cover the spread, and then they almost pulled off a marvelous comeback. Good effort, gents. Also, Utah fumbled that ball for a touchback, what the fuck was the replay idiot looking at?

2. Tennessee -3 vs. Wisconsin. (Tennessee 21, Wisconsin 17.) Both teams were dumb in the 4th quarter.

3. Virginia +6 vs. Texas Tech. (Texas Tech 31, Virginia 28.) Early nominee for choke of the year.

4. Georgia -8 vs. Hawaii. (Georgia 41, Hawaii 10.) In order to pick Hawaii here, you'd have to be a Christian who believes in miracles.

5. Virginia Tech -3.5 vs. Kansas. (Kansas 24, Virginia Tech 21.) I don't get it. All I can do is tip my cap to Aqib Talib.

6. Tulsa -4.5 vs. Bowling Green.

 

Week #9 (2-4)

 

NFL

 

1. Tampa Bay -12 vs. Atlanta.

2. Baltimore -3 at Miami.

3. New England -23 vs. NY Jets.

4. Seattle -7 at Carolina.

5. Green Bay -9.5 at St. Louis.

6. Indianapolis -10 at Oakland.

 

Week #8 (1-5)

 

NCAAF

 

NAVY NAVY NAVY ECKEL CAMPBELL RUSH MIDDIES ARMYSUX HAWAII#1

 

PAUL JOHNSON BETRAYED US

 

NFL

 

1. Cleveland -3.5 at NY Jets. Cleveland totally outplayed Arizona last week. AND WON.

2. Tampa Bay -3 at Houston. What's Jewish superstar Sage Rosenfels gonna do?

3. Dallas -11 at Detroit. Looks like the biggest mismatch of the week.

4. Pittsburgh +13 at New England. Belichick didn't go for it on a 4th and goal inside the 5 in the first quarter. I thought he understood the percentages. I still hope for 16-0.

5. St. Louis +7 at Cincinnati. St. Louis does fine against teams that have a weak pass rush.

6. Chicago +3 at Washington. Worst invention ever: cereal crops. Second worst: handguns. (Washington 24, Chicago 16.) Man, I didn't sign up for Todd Collins vs. Brian Griese.

 

Week #7 (2-4)

 

NCAAF

 

UCLA looks tempting (+20, final score USC 24, UCLA 7), but fuck college kids, except the Midshipmen. I love watching the Army/Navy game. (Navy 38, Army 3.) I hope the Boston Belichicks pick up Reggie Campbell. Who needs Brady, Moss, and Welker when you have Campbell and Eckel.

 

NFL

 

1. New England -20 at COUGHimore. Good prop bet: Which will be greater, Patriots' number of rushes or Ravens' points? (Both should be somewhere around 3.) (New England 27, Baltimore 24.) The prop bet was a push! Damn, how did Baltimore score so much.

2. Cleveland +1 at Arizona. Edge scares no one. Cards' D lost Adrian Wilson and Eric Green. (Arizona 27, Cleveland 21.) CLEVELAND WON THIS GAME. WINSLOW WAS FORCED OUT.

3. Miami -1 vs. New York Jets. If Miami can handle Thomas Jones and Leon Washington, they should win. (NY Jets 40, Miami 13.) Enjoy your 0-16 season you pieces of shit. Oh yeah, Brady Quinn is way better than John Beck. He fucks Lindy Slinger.

4. Denver -3.5 at Oakland. Rush the ball 50 times please. (Oakland 34, Denver 20.) I'll take the blame on this one.

5. Tampa Bay +3.5 at New Orleans. I know Luke McCown might start, but at least he's better than Gradkowski. (Tampa Bay 27, New Orleans 23.) Yeah, definitely better than Gradkowski.

6. New York Giants -1.5 at Chicago. Giants can pound the ball and will shut down Hester. (NY Giants 21, Chicago 16.) Yeah, that's what happened. We still needed some fortune at the end.

 

Week #6 (4-2)

 

NCAAF

 

Fuck dumbass college kids. They are thinking about sex and schoolwork and careers instead of football.

 

NFL

 

1. New England -22 vs. Philadelphia. If I were Vegas I would put it at -35. (New England 31, Philadelphia 28.) I penciled them in too quickly. I'll still take them against Baltimore, though. That is an ideal matchup.

2. Seattle -3 at St. Louis. St. Louis still has a horrid o-line. They just haven't faced good defenses lately. (Seattle 24, St. Louis 19.) AGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

3. Green Bay -3.5 at Detroit. Ryan Grant is expected to play. (Green Bay 37, Detroit 26.) Total domination after the first quarter.

4. Cleveland -3 vs. Houston. Joe Thomas: Offensive Rookie of the Year. (Cleveland 27, Houston 17.) Cleveland's pass defense played pretty well today.

5. Arizona -10 vs. San Francisco. SF's offense really is pathetic. (San Francisco 37, Arizona 31.) This team hadn't scored more than 20 points all year, and they were starting Trent Dilfer. Damn TWO guys in berserker mode (Gore and Willis). If I had known earlier in the week that David Carr was starting for Carolina, I would have taken New Orleans instead. I should wait until Friday or Saturday to pick.

6. Miami +16 at Pittsburgh. Watch out for Teddy Ballgame Jr.! (Pittsburgh 3, Miami 0.) I am intelligent.

 

Week #5 (5-1)

 

NCAAF

 

1. Missouri -7 at Kansas State. Don't look ahead, fellas. (Missouri 49, Kansas State 32.) They dominated!

2. Duke +6 at Notre Dame. Duke might win the game. (Notre Dame 28, Duke 7.) You got blowed out by Notre Dame in the biggest game of your life. Infantile retards.

 

NFL

 

1. New England -15.5 at Buffalo. Seems like another 38-7 romp. (New England 56, Buffalo 10.) I enjoyed seeing the Navy man in there (Eckel).

2. Cleveland -2.5 at Baltimore. Cleveland will throw all over Baltimore. (Cleveland 33, Baltimore 30.) Craziest field goal ever!!

3. Green Bay -9.5 vs. Carolina. Please start David Carr. (Green Bay 31, Carolina 17.) GB let them have some cheap TDs.

4. Seattle -5 vs. Chicago. Hello Sexy Rexy. (Seattle 30, Chicago 23.) Hack is a monster.

 

Week #4 (3-3)

 

NCAAF

 

1. Kansas State -7.5 at Nebraska. Nebraska appears to be dead. (Nebraska 73, Kansas State 31.) That's the most improbable result ever.

2. Kentucky -3.5 at Vanderbilt. One of those mysterious lines... (Kentucky 27, Vanderbilt 20.) Who would have bet on Vanderbilt here?

3. Air Force -2.5 at Notre Dame. It was so fun with Navy last week. (Air Force 41, Notre Dame 24.) Thanks again Notre Dame!

 

NFL

 

1. Seattle -10 vs. San Francisco. SF is the worst offense WITH Frank Gore. (Seattle 24, San Francisco 0.) This game went exactly as expected.

2. Indianapolis -3.5 at San Diego. SD's ego was shattered. (San Diego 23, Indianapolis 21.) Oh fuck off. 6 INTs? 2 return TDs? 2 missed FGs by Vinatieri? Indy would cover this line 9 out of 10 times.

3. Detroit +1.5 at Arizona. Detroit's D knows how to GET LOW! (Arizona 31, Detroit 21.) 8 carries for -18 yards???

 

Week #3 (4-2)

 

NCAAF

 

1. East Carolina -4.5 at Memphis. ECU isn't terrible and Memphis is. (East Carolina 56, Memphis 40.) Woo.

2. Navy +3.5 at Notre Dame. Navy is tired of ND's power trip. (Navy 46, Notre Dame 44.) YEAH NAVY! GAME OF THE YEAR! (Ok, maybe Appy St./Michigan and Trinity/Millsaps are better.)

3. New Mexico +4 at TCU. LaDainian isn't walking through that door. (TCU 37, New Mexico 0.) Fuck the heck?

 

NFL

 

1. San Diego -7 at Minnesota. LaDainian is walking through that door. (Minnesota 35, San Diego 17.) Ah, I should have known that Adrian Peterson would break the single-game rushing record.

2. Tennessee -4 vs. Carolina. It's David Carr. (Tennessee 20, Carolina 7.) Too easy baby.

3. Indianapolis +6.5 vs. New England. PEYTON MANNING FOREVER. (New England 24, Indianapolis 20.) Here's what I wrote to one of my friends on 30 October: "I don't think the Colts will get 'blowed out' (as Emmitt Smith would say). The only major differences between the two are that the Pats pass a bit better, and the Colts run a bit better. Although I've been a Colts fan for about a decade, I'm enjoying the EVIL Patriots run. So, I'll pick the Pats to win, but I don't think they'll cover the 6-point spread."

 

Week #2 (5-1)

 

NCAAF

 

1. Kansas -2 at Texas A&M. I expect Kansas to be 11-0 when they host Missouri. (Kansas 19, Texas A&M 11.) Kansas and their fat coach almost blew it after dominating all game.

2. Boise State -3 at Fresno State. Fresno isn't really that good. (Boise State 34, Fresno State 21.) Nailed it. I am the hammer.

3. New Mexico State +28 at Hawaii. NMSU should have enough offense. (Hawaii 50, New Mexico State 13.) Chase Holbrook is a little bitch. Don't bet on bad teams.

 

NFL

 

1. Cleveland -3 at St. Louis. Wow! (Cleveland 27, St. Louis 20.) Don't mess with Derek Anderson.

2. Indianapolis -7 at Carolina. *LoL*. (Indianapolis 31, Carolina 7.) *LoL*. What an insane line.

3. Pittsburgh -3.5 at Cincinnati. Let's try it again. (Pittsburgh 24, Cincinnati 13.) Nothing surprising here.

 

Week #1 (3-3)

 

NCAAF

 

1. South Florida -2.5 at Rutgers. (Rutgers 30, South Florida 27.) Fucking loser Grothe. Watch out ladies, Matt Groethe is a beta male. Don't let him continue his inferior genetic lineage with you. Find a real man. Ugh, dumbass college kids.

2. Auburn +11 at Louisiana State. (Louisiana State 30, Auburn 24.) Yeah, that line was absurd. Nice choke, Auburn.

3. Kansas State +3 at Oklahoma State. (Oklahoma State 41, Kansas State 39.) Hahaha. I thought Kansas State would win.

 

NFL

 

1. New England -17 at Miami. (New England 49, Miami 28.) Free money.

2. Pittsburgh -3.5 at Denver. (Denver 31, Pittsburgh 28.) What happened to the Steelers' pass defense?

3. Tampa Bay +2.5 at Detroit. (Detroit 23, Tampa Bay 16.) Bucs had 150 more yards but were -2 in turnovers.

 

Tactics:

1. Generally, I don't really care about home/away. REFERNCES [sic]: Appalachian St. at Michigan.

2. I don't care at all about streaks or previous seasons. REFERNCES: Navy at Notre Dame.

3. There are no 'magic potions.' REFERNCES: "DeShaun Foster always owns Atlanta."

4. Watch out for 'betrayal' teams. REFERNCES: Arizona, San Diego.

5. Generally, I look for games that have less than 4 point spreads, but one team is definitely better than the other, and/or the matchup is great. REFERNCES: Cleveland.

6. Offensive lines are extremely important, but common people don't understand this concept very well. REFERNCES: Cleveland, St. Louis.

7. Wait for injury reports about playmakers (Albert Haynesworth) and anti-playmakers (David Carr).

8. Don't go the other way just because a line looks too good to be true. REFERNCES: Kentucky -3.5 at Vanderbilt

9. Avoid confusing what you want to happen with what will happen. I tend to want unlikely things to happen.