38. RAW 5/1/06.
38.
LOLLIPOPZ I BET PEOPLE ARE GONNA THINK THIS IS AN ENTRY ON RAW!! HAHA SILLY PANTS. Like I'd actually watch that stuff.
I need the views, though. I've almost caught kkk.
MONDAY NIGHT RAW 5/1/06.
Triple H interview.
Bow down, bow down, bow down to the King.
“Some broad gets control of my business, and decides to run some cute tournament. Fine! Great! But, all of the boys know it’s a waste of time. The WWE Championships belongs to the King of Kings! The Game! God! And how did I gain such neato monikers? Because I win a lot of matchesaaa! I’m pretty goodaaa!
*says the same thing basically for another 18 minutes*
So, cheerleader fag, tonight, your fantasy ends. Apparently, the online losers think you were all that in OVW, whatever that is. The morons can think what they want. The fact remains that when it comes to workrate, I am the greatest. I bust my ass in one-hour classic matches at PPV’s because I am just so gosh darn great!
Tonight, I’m squashing you, Doane!”
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1st Round: Gene Snitsky vs Rene Dupree.
Snitsky in control early with punches.
Dupree fights back, hits Full Nelson slam
1…. 2….
Dupree with a big clothesline
1… 2….
Snitsky with a big boot.
Pumphandle slam. End.
Winner: Gene Snitsky (4:52) 1/2*
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1st Round: Matt Striker vs Chavo Guerrero
Chavo controls for most of the match.
Crowd chants EDDIE.
Chavo cries.
Matt hits the Happy Monkey, and Chavo taps.
Winner: Matt Striker (6:29) DUD
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Grisham: “Chavo, you lost.”
Chavo: “Eddie Guerrero.”
Grisham: “Talk about your match.”
Chavo: “Eddie Guerrrero?”
Grisham: “K. Bye.”
Chavo: “Eddie. Eddie. Guerrrrrerrrro.”
----------
The Spirit Squad is backstage.
“Cheer. We will all have to work hard to defeat Val Venis. He’s a professional jobber, so we like can’t lose, and stuff. Rah rah, Johnny is gonna win, sis boom bah.”
1st Round: Johnny vs Val Venis
Venis hits a right hand and slam.
More jobber offense.
Johnny flips around and stuff.
Venis no-sells it with his oozing machismo.
Venis goes for the Money Shot, this will do it.
But Mitch or Mikey, whichever one isn’t injured, I can’t remember, pulls Venis off the ropes.
Ref sees it.
Spirit Squad do the lifty thing to Venis then.
Pain ensues.
Winner: Val Venis, via DQ. (8:20) 3/4*
----------
Maria: “Hi. I’m Maria. You’re Chris Masters. You have match against some guy.”
Masters: “DER. IM DA MASTERPIECE. BOO ME.”
Maria: “BOO!”
Masters: “YAYA BOOOOO I POOT YA IN DA MASTERLOCK! NOBODY CAN GET IN IT AND THAN GET OUT OF IT! IM DA GIME BUNNIE!”
1st Round: Chris Masters vs Danny Basham
Piss break for the crowd.
Danny won when Masters tripped over his drool.
Winner: Danny Basham (0:27) -***
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1st Round: (9) Rob Van Dam vs Trevor Murdoch
Power fat guy stuff from Murdoch to starts.
RVD sells with mild discomfort.
Then magically gains all his power back for a flying elbow.
IT'S 420 TIME, OH EM GEE IM SO HIGH
1….2….2.87
RVD face jams Murdoch.
1….2…2.33
Some more uninspired brawling from Murdoch.
RVD counters with a Spin Kick.
Then Rolling Thunder.
Then poses like Mickey Mouse.
Then hits the 5 Star Frog Splash.
Then rolls around with a sore tummy.
Then pins Murdoch.
Then wins.
Winner: (9) Rob Van Dam (5:02) 1/2*
----------
Cade and Murdoch are backstage. They wanted to rip into Edge. They’re angry that they suck, and Cade so knows he’s losing to Edge.
Meanwhile, Edge stuffs his entire head inside of Lita.
1st Round: (8) Edge vs Lance Cade
Squash.
Then, Lita cheats by going in the ring and slapping Cade.
Ref sees it, but it’s Lance Cade. So, whatever.
Murdoch tries to interfere, but missed his cue, so ignore that.
Spear from stick boy that wouldn’t kill a fly.
3.
Winner: (8) Edge (1:42) **1/4
----------
Kane backstage: “Mickie James. This will be the greatest match ever. Inside of that ring. I will rape you in front a live national audience. Muahahahaha.”
1st Round: (16) Kane vs Mickie James
Mickie James takes the mic.
“Kane… ummm, I wouldn’t mind sleeping around. But, I only do that with girls. So, bye.”
Kane runs up the ramp and grabs Mickie.
Throws in the ring.
Giant chokeslam, and he starts to undress Mickie.
We see her lovely breasts.
And her roast beef down there.
For pics, search online. Google is best. This is a family show.
Then, Kane suddenly remembered that he burned his penis off long ago, and cries.
CONTINUITY IS REBORN!
Mickie runs away, and loses via countout.
Winner: (16) Kane, via countout, I guess (2:00) -*
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1st Round: (1) HHH vs Kenny
Kenny walks into a knee.
HHH hits him with more knees.
Knee lift.
The Spirit Squad looks to interfere, but HHH stares at them, and they back off.
Then they attack anyway, and of course, HHH beats them 1-on-5.
Pedigree. Take it to da pay winda.
Winner: (1) HHH (0:58) *
----------
Results!
Next week on RAW, more 1st round fun! Tune in!
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