SMACKDOWN 5/5/06

 

Michael Cole: Welcome to Friday Night Smackdown! With me is Tazz, and we have a super show lined up for you tonight! 8 1st round matches in the quest for the WWE Championship!

 

 

Tazz: Yeah Cole, look at the lineup we got today. Undertaker/Booker T in a first round match?! That’s like 9 world titles amongst them! That could be a final for dis tournament. Plus, the return of Batista! Randy Orton! Bobby Lashley! Wow!

 

Michael Cole: Wow, indeed! And now we take you to a Scotty Go Potty match.

 

********************

 

Round 1: Scotty Go Potty vs. Gunner Scott

 

Tazz: Hey Cole, when did Scotty 2 Hotty change his name to Scotty Go Potty?

 

Cole: To be honest, I was surprised he was still hired by WWE. But, I must say this a fine name and gimmick change for him.

 

Tazz: Yeah, well overdue! And who’s this other guy?

 

Cole: Who knows? Let’s ignore this match, and hopefully it will go away soon.

 

Series of hip tosses to start, followed by a dropkick knocks Gunner to the mat.

Dropkick to the knee by Go Potty firmly puts down the former Albright.

Scotty goes for a flying elbow, but MISSES!

Gunner takes advantage with a huge suplex, and goes for the pin.

1….1.8.

Scotty tries to counter with a hurricanrana, but Gunner counters with a powerbomb.

Hooks the leg, 1….2…2.8… Scotty just gets his shoulder up.

Gunner then stupidly goes for a sleeper hold, quieting the crowd.

Scotty retards up, and takes the offense with a Russian leg sweep.

Followed by a flying axe handle, setting up… sigh.

You know the rest.

Still a good match, though.

 

Winner: Scotty Go Potty, via pinfall. (8:55) **3/4

 

***************************

 

Round 1: Jamie Noble vs. Sylvan

 

Sylvan botches a neckbreaker on Noble to start, but thankfully Noble is fine.

Noble then pulls out a mule kick, then a back heel kick, which Sylvan takes the bump on his head twice.

Noble is trying his damndest, but we’re in “bowling shoe ugly” territory here, so James wisely cuts to the chase.

Modified Dragon Sleeper, and Sylvan passes out.

 

Winner: Jamie Noble, via submission (2:30) **1/2

 

******************************

 

Randy Orton comes to the ring.

 

Randall: I’d like to thank our fine new chairman for giving me the opportunity to win the WWE Championship. A FAIR opportunity. As everyone knows I am a 3rd-generation superstar. And I enjoy killing legends. Triple H may call himself the King of Kings, but I am the proven Legend of Legends.

 

And look how damn sexy I am. I can have every woman in the world. I am truly irresistible. I can treat you all like shit, and you’ll flock to me.

 

Of course, I don’t expect any of you pathetic male losers to understand. So, continue booing me. Your jealousy only proves how damned incredible I am. Love me.

 

Oh, and Joey Mercury. Please refrain from attending our match today. It’s pointless. I’m only interested in defeating legends. And the only real legend on this paltry brand, is The Undertaker. Who has lessened himself to cheating tactics in order to defeat me before. That will be no more, however. I will defeat him.

 

So, Joey, please don’t interfere with my plans. Thank you.

 

**********************

 

Round 1: Mark Henry vs. Nunzio

 

Nunzio starts the match out with a spin kick, and a lariat that has the big man shaking.

Then, an attempted cross-body from the 2nd rope… and Henry catches Nunzio.

Henry tosses Nunzio in the air, and catches him by the neck, and sends him down with a side choke slam.

Nunzio looks dead.

Then, Henry drags Nunzio up again and delivers a huge power slam.

Splash. And Nunzio is mush.

3.

 

Winner: Mark Henry, via pinfall (1:46) **1/4

 

**********************

 

Round 1: Paul London vs. Finlay

 

MY NAME IS FINLAY. AND I LIKE TO FIGHT.

 

Tazz: Ooh, Cole. I’ve been waiting for this matchup. Should be a wrestling masterpiece.

 

Finlay starts things out with some right hands, that back London into a corner.

Followed by a Stun Gun.

But, London manages to counter afterwards with a kick to the sternum.

London hits a flying kick from the top rope, and follows with a hurricanrana pin attempt.

1…2… 2.5

London hits a huge spinning kick to the jaw of Finlay, that knocks him down.

He follows with a 450 attempt from the top rope!

1….2….3… no he didn’t… 2.95!

London goes for a headlock afterwards, and Finlay fights his way out.

A brutal forearm shiver causes London to bleed from the mouth.

Vertical suplex from Finlay, and London is in trouble.

Some more stiff punches to London’s bloodied mouth further exacerbates Paul’s breathing.

Finlay then takes advantage with the Emerald Fusion!

1….2….3.

Finlay then grabs his shillalegh and beats the hell out of London!

London now his entire face covered in blood.

Though shalt not fuck with Finlay.

 

Winner: Finlay, via pinfall. (13:38) ***3/4

 

********************

 

Hardcore Holly backstage with Josh Matthews.

 

Matthews: Hardcore Holly, it’s good to see you in fine health again, and back to WWE.

 

Holly: Quiet. I’m here to teach some lessons to the new kids out there. I plan on beating the hell out of each and every one of ya. Bobby Lashley, prepare for pain. I’m gonna injure ya. How ya like me now.

 

Round 1:(15) Bobby Lashley vs. Hardcore Holly

 

Hardcore runs right at Lashley, and gives him some quick punches.

However, Holly goes for a body slam, which Lashley refuses to move for.

Lashley then does a firm spike slam, and side slam which knocks Holly out.

Lashley continues with his power offense, and whips Holly into the corner.

With Lashley in full control of the match, he celebrates with the crowd, and Holly uncovers the top turnbuckle.

Lashley slowly walks over, and Holly grabs Bobby by the tights, and slings him headfirst into the open turnbuckle.

Holly then knocks down the staggered Lashley with one of his trademark perfect drop kicks.

1…2….3.

 

Winner: Hardcore Holly, via pinfall & cheating (7:40) ***1/2

 

************************

 

Round 1: (10) Randy Orton vs. Joey Mercury

 

HEY! NOTHIN’ YOU CAN SAY!

 

Mercury hits an early drop kick on Orton, to which Melina screams…

 

And WWE owner Princess Leena comes to ring…

 

Princess Leena : Excuse me, Melina. But that behavior is unacceptable in a match with such a fine wrestler in the ring. Leave the arena, or you’re fired. That is all.

 

Melina departs.

Orton then hits the RKO on his Joey, who wonders why he’s still on television without Melina there.

Fin.

 

Winner: Randy Orton, via pinfall (1:00} **3/4

 

************************

 

Batista is backstage, and mumbles about returning from injury. He looks good in a suit.

 

(7) Batista vs. Orlando Jordan

 

Batista jumps into the ring, and tears a quad.

And his pecs.

He sits on the mat, and Orlando pins him.

Steroids are bad, kids.

 

Winner: Orlando Jordan, via pinfall (0:12) *1/2.

 

*************************

 

(2) Undertaker, The vs. Booker T

 

Undertaker punches.

More punches.

Punch.

Punch.

Old School, which Booker T no-sells.

Then Taker feels mild discomfort with whatever Booker T does.

Taker goes for The Last Ride, but Booker manages to drill Taker in the balls while upside down.

Taker says “he’s not feeling it”.

Booker hits the Scissors Kick, Bookend, and Harlem Hangover, which the big asshole still won’t lay down for.

Taker sits up, and Booker legit axe kicks Taker in the back of the head, knocking him out cold.

1….2….3.

Rest in piece, cocksucker.

 

Winner: Booker T, via pinfall (14:23) **1/2

 

**********************

 

Cole: For all of you that don’t want to read this shit, here’s the results today.

 

 

That’s all. I’m tired. Watch Scrubs on Sunday.