The best match ever.

[Guest]

Apostle vs. Johnny Rotten in the Cranberry match of doom.

 

 

[Commercial Break]

 

A little boy is sitting in the corner pouting, when IGNWF's Edwin Macphisto walks up.

 

Edwin: "Gee son, what's the problem?"

 

Boy: "My best friend's birthday party is tonight, and I don't know what to get him."

 

Edwin: "Good thing I'm here!"

 

Edwin makes weird motions with his hand, and the background is starwhiped out, while the background of a mall fills the screen.

 

Boy: "What's this all about sir?!"

 

Edwin: "The panda emporium! The only place to pick up everything panda!"

 

Boy: "But, he doesn't like ani.."

 

As the boy tries to speak, Edwin grabs him by the hand, taking him into the store. Upon entrance the camera pans around to see what looks like thousands of stuffed pandas. Chris Raynor is standing at the counter, and bends toward the child.

 

Raynor: "Want a free sucker?!"

 

Boy: "My mommie told me not to take ca..."

 

Raynor wastes no time shoving the sucker into the kid's mouth as Edwin drags the kid towards the back of the store.

 

Edwin: "Here at the Panda Emporium, we have panda pens, panda key chains, even panda pants!"

 

NTD is shown standing, and upon hearing the last statement, looks distressed, and rushes towards the door.

 

Boy: "But, my friend doesn't even like pa..."

 

Edwin: "Pandas, Pandas, Pandas.... Pandas Pandas Pandas."

 

Raynor pops into the shot.

 

Raynor: "Pantera Pandas!"

 

The boy finally breaks free from Raynor, and walks towards one area of the store.

 

Raynor and Edwin look at each other goofily, and shrug following along. The boy walks up to Mistress Sarah, as she cracks her whip. She is scantly clad.

 

Boy: "My friend would like her!"

 

Edwin: "I think you're missing the point here, we have pan.."

 

Sarah: "Awww, a birthday party.. he's so cute."

 

Edwin: "But Sarah...."

 

Sarah: "Sure, I'll come with you little boy."

 

The boy jumps up into the air, and drags Mistress Sarah out of the store, showing her little bottom shake as she leaves. Edwin and Raynor are left standing next to each other watching them leave.

 

Edwin: "Oh well, We'll sell some of this stuff soon."

 

Raynor: "Pantera."

 

[back to IGNite]

 

The camera is showing the two poles on the corners, one with a turkey hanging from it, and the other with a can, as the crowd applauds.

 

Curry: "Hello, and welcome back to IGNite, we're looking at the setup for our next match which will be quite an entertaining match."

 

NTD: "It should be, but it shows what kind of weird things that go on when the power structure it tampered with. Johnny Rotten was mauled several weeks ago on IGNite by Apostle."

 

Curry: "If you remember, Rotten and Perfect Bo were in a terrible car wreck which has put Perfect Bo out indefinately."

 

NTD: "Rotten had a fractured leg, and being a tough fighter, he decided to continue wrestling for Bo."

 

Curry: "But, valiant or not Rotten lost to a vindictive, and sadistic Apostle."

 

NTD: "The weird thing about the match was, Apostle seems to want to take down the IGNWO, but was vicious in his attempts to destroy a very likable member of the IGNWF."

 

Curry: "Especially after the car wreck, the fans have really taken a liking to him."

 

NTD: "Let's take a look back at exactly what went on."

 

[A medley of the finer points of Apostle vs. Rotten is shown. All of them revolving around the taunting of Rotten, and the utter destruction of a injured member of Anarchy fighting for his best friend.]

 

Curry: "How could Apostle do such a thing?"

 

NTD: "I don't know, but Commish Stubby has decided to let Rotten take out some of his anger in a very humiliating match."

 

Curry: "Let's get to the ring as Funyon explains."

 

Funyon: "The next match is a Thanksgiving Massacre match. To win the match you must take the Turkey, and the cranberry sauce from the two poles located adjacent to me. After they are removed, you must complete the table setting, and place the Turkey on the tray, while pouring out the cranberry sauce."

 

Curry: "Complicated enough?"

 

NTD: "Not hardly!"

 

Funyon: "Introducing first, from Los Angeles, California, and weighing in at 345 pounds..."

 

The lights in the arena turn pitch black as a deep voice overlays every sound in the arena: "Straight from hell". At the mere mention of that phrase, some of the fans start to cheer, but fewer than normal as pyrotechnics explode in a giant mass at the top as "Alive" by P.O.D. begins to play. The IGNtron begins to show the POD music video while alternating to clips of Apostle at his best. Apostle comes out from back of the ring, taking off his trench coat and tossing it to the front row as he walks down the ramp.

 

Curry: "The crowd is obviously a bit jaded at Apostle for attacking Rotten the way that he did."

 

NTD: "There was no call for it."

 

Apostle tries to bring the crowd to his side, but boos continue to mix with the cheers. It's hard to tell how much of the crowd is angered, but it's apparent that some are unhappy with the way Rotten was treated. Standing in the ring, he seems to set his sights towards the ramp awaiting to punish Rotten even more.

 

Funyon attempts to start introducing Rotten, but "Anarchy in the U.K." starts to play over the announce system, as Rotten walks from the back quite quickly, micraphone in hand. The crowd sings along to the chorus, as he smiles, and shakes a few hands before turning his attention to Apostle.

 

Rotten: "Hey kid, How's it going?"

 

Apostle paces back and forth, before leaning on the ropes to stare at Johnny.

 

Rotten: "2 weeks ago, you did a fine job taking me out. I see that you can attack, and humiliate someone with a broken leg. The question is... How do you like being humiliated, kid?"

 

Rotten points towards the Turkey, as Apostles head follows the non existant line between the two. The crowd cheers wildly, as Apostle tries to gain the crowds support, but fails.

 

Rotten: "You did a good job working on my leg last time, let's see if you can do it when I'm healed?"

 

Rotten runs up the ramp as quickly as possible as a thud resonates around the arena as the micraphone hits the ground. The crowd roars.

 

Curry: "Rotten looks ready to teach Apostle a lesson."

 

NTD: "This match has hardcore rules, and he is fighting one of the best hardcore champions in IGNWF history."

 

Rotten slides underneath the bottom rope to an awaiting Apostle who starts kicking away immediately to soften up Rotten, but with little success. Rotten reaches his feet quickly and starts laying punch after punch into Apostle's grill. A timely knee to Rotten's gut cuts off the flurry, and Apostle pushes him into the ropes for extra speed, irish whipping him into the ropes. After rebounding from the ropes, Rotten ducks a clothesline from the big man, and quickly twists around to his back for a Full Nelson Bomb, as the two bodies hit the mat the crowd roars with approval.

 

Curry: "A quick start to the match as Rotten counters the clothesline."

 

NTD: "Apostle is a very strong man, but about as fast as a slug."

 

Apostle sells the Full Nelson Bomb hard, as Rotten quickly manuvers to his feet catching Apostle looking away for a second Full Nelson Bomb. The crowd jumps up once more, as Apostle squirms and rolls out of the ring. While Apostle catches his breathe on the outside, Rotten grabs the Turkey off the pole, and places it on the setting.

 

Curry: "Apostle is too ignorant to realise he can't take a break, or Rotten will win the match."

 

NTD: "Rotten just did half the work for Apostle, maybe that was his master plan all along."

 

Curry stares at NTD looking strangely....

 

NTD: "Could be..."

 

Apostle finally notices that Rotten is completing the match without him, and the lumbering beast goes to sneak up on Johnny as he reaches for the Cranberry sauce. By the time the ape like creature reaches Rotten, he puts his boot out waiting for him. The next 20 seconds of the match look like slow motion, but they are not, as Apostle continues to baby step his way into Rotten's boot as he waits patiently.

 

NTD: "Any day now..."

 

Curry: "What a slow man...."

 

Apostle shakes off the boot to the face, as Rotten throws the cranberry sauce towards the platter, positioning himself on the turnbuckle. Apostle, like the instinctive apelike creature he is moves towards Rotten's armpit, which sets him up perfectly for a tornado ddt! The crowd roars again, because they paid their money, and they can yell if they want to.

 

NTD: "ROTTEN WITH THE TORNADO DDT!"

 

Curry: "Yep, we didn't see that coming."

 

Rotten is back to his feet, as something barely audible can be heard from Apostle. "Me no like cranberries." Even still, Apostle reaches his feet once more to find an awaiting Rotten preparing him for the pyramid driver. Apostle lets Rotten prepare thinking that he'll just reverse the move, but because of his quick speed, he manages to start trying to reverse it after he is already on the ground in pain.

 

The next part of the match is strickly for a higher word count. I will filibuster here for as long as possible because no one is actually reading this match. Rotten with a slam of some sorts. So, What are you doing in this lonely club? Come with anyone? Well, I saw you from across the bar, and I thought you were... A beautiful Russian leg sweep leaves Apostle on the ground again.

 

Curry: "A beautiful Russian? is that possible."

 

NTD: "Don't like hairy armpits?"

 

Apostle continues to move as fast as (insert something very slow so that it is very funny when compared to the word fast which proceeds it.) Rotten locks on the Rotten Spike, which is a submission. Like most cases in which submissions are used, Apostle lays on the ground for awhile gaining strength when he should be losing it until he can break free. The elbow to the midsection, the elbow to the midsection. The patented run to the ropes, the return missed clothesline, and then a flying cross body block with the regulatory pin.

 

1...... Not a chance.

 

Rotten kicks out from the oafy mass on top of him, and reaches his feet quickly. Rotten feels like humiliating Apostle more, and considering there is only a 3000 word limit, he backs him into the corner for the Shattered Dreams. Suffice to say, the crowd is happy, and Apostle is mad. Rotten kicks Apostle in a place which will make his girlfriend mad, and the crowd continues to cheer violence. The announcers start talking about what they're having for dinner because of the squash match that this has turned into. NTD mentioned Turkey and Cranberry sauce which was kind of funny. Maybe I should have typed that out. Oh well.

 

A camera shows Apostle reading the match because my match won, and he sucks. He is sitting at his computer screen laughing at first until he gets all upset that his huge oafy charcter that no sells everything is being used like a rag doll. He starts formulating his hateful flames to Rotten, and how his match was worse than his. Just then Rotten jumps through an open window, and hits a pyramid driver causing Apostle to squirm around in agony. His bed full of stuffed animals cheers in approval.

 

Bear with only one eye: "Wow, He just got nailed!"

 

Barbie Figure: "This is what he gets for pushing me up against Ken, and making kissy noises."

 

Yawn. It's 4:47a.m. I should be asleep. Let's take a break from the action and get to know each other. Do you stay up all night writing a match that no one will read, and get forgotten about? Do you spend your time working hard on a match just so that someone else can tell you it's no good? Yeah, well you suck. Back to the action.

 

Apostle with a 450 off the top rope onto Rotten, and IGNite goes to commercial, we'll be back in a moment.

 

[Commercial Break]

 

Mark Stevens and the King of Hearts are sitting together at a table.

 

Mark: "KoH, Don't eat new polar ice gum. It will change you."

 

Mark commences to eat the King of Hearts. Mark paws at the camera with fake fur on his hand. As Steven's opens his mouth, you each a echoing King of Hearts yell.

 

"Just Gum?"

 

{End of Commercial Break]

 

Back to the incredible match. When the cameras get back, Rotten and Apostle are laying on the ground in the middle of the ring. The jar of cranberry sauce is open, and it looks like Apostle has red stains around his mouth.

 

NTD: "The match is all about pointless now."

 

Curry: "Yeah, what kind of moron eats the stipulation?"

 

Rotten fights to his feet, and noticing that the Turkey is on the plate, Rotten lifts up Apostle. An irish whip into the ropes, and a backbody drop sends the Apostle onto the table with the Turkey. The ref signals for the bell.

 

Your Winner, Johnny Rotten!

 

NTD: "How did that happen?"

 

Curry: "Well, Apostle did eat the cranberry sauce, and he is on the platter."

 

NTD: "What a wacky way to win a match."

 

"Sail Away" by enya hits the P.A. as GORO runs down to the ring. The crowd is smiling like idiots as this freak of nature slides under the ropes.

 

GORO: "WHAT DID GOROS MISS?"

 

Everyone laughs as IGNite fades to commercial.

[Guest Beingz0wningj00]

I remember that this actually beat Apostle's match... LOL.... good times.

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

I can pick any random spot in this match, read for about 12 seconds, and then find myself laughing uproariously.  It very well may be perfect.

 

I always have, and shall still want to bear its children.

[Guest HVilleThugg]

And again...months later...I'm still laughing my ass off!  That was some funny shit....

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Da "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" H

[Guest]

What about KFP? Kentucky Fried Panda! Then there is a Panda Express in my food court...

[Guest chirs3]

PANTERA SUX0RZ!!11!1!1!!!11!

 

OMGODZ!

[Guest]

If I am forever known by this match, it was all worth it.

 

GORO BEINGS LIKINGS PANTERAS AND SODA BABIES$@$@%

[Guest Suicide King]

That match was truly, truly a classic.

 

This needs to become a silly match thread!  Edwin, break out the ML Dance-Off!  Raynor!!  Bring in your final ML show match!!!

 

Classics all.

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

SO LET IT BE WRITTEN--SO LET IT BE DONE!!

 

ML DANCE-OFF!!!

 

The camera snaps back into Madison Square Garden, leaving behind the line of desperate New York homeless bearing signs that read “WILL WRESTLE FOR FOOD.”  One particularly fellow, in a somewhat large robotic body and bearing the voice of Leonard Nimoy, bears a sign that says, “WILL WRESTLE FOR SARAH,” but no one pays him much heed.

 

“This is bad comedy!” quips Comet, and, chuckling, Axis turns to him.

 

“What’d he say his name was?”

 

“Hell if I know!”

 

“Damn right!”

 

“Onto the match!”

 

Both commentators, saving their breath for what promises to be a grueling mofo of a showdown turn their heads to the entrance and await the next competitors, whispering to one another as the crowd’s anticipation rises.

 

“This,” whispers Comet, “is another legendary meeting on this legendary, historical final night of IGNML programming.  Two of our hottest-ever prospects, Edwin MacPhisto and the King of Hearts…stablemates, friends, and showmen, meeting for the first time ever.”

 

“And here in the ML!” beams Axis, proud.  “Just as it should be…”

 

The lights drop out into utter blackness, and the arena is initially met with silence.  A fairly long silence.

 

“I guess they’re deciding who comes out first,” ponders Comet, scratching his heroic chin.  Suddenly, feedback rips through the arena, and the house lights sizzle back to full before dropping out again, this time more suddenly…

 

…and much, much more stylishly!

 

“The Carnival’s in town!” whoops Comet, and a soft female voice whispers, “Midnight Carnival   as the IGNTron flashes to life, blazing white in time with the opening beats of the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ “Love Rollercoaster” as the Carnival’s anthem pumps through the arena, revealing with each flash thin black lettering that reads “Step Right Up.” As the guitar part drops in, three blue laser lights trace the arena, all stemming from the same point in the middle of the entrance ramp. As the words “rollercoaster of love” echo through the arena for the first time, the laser lights flare out into a blue haze across the entrance ramp, and the explosive cheers of the audience reach a crescendo as Edwin MacPhisto and the King of Hearts step out slowly, Edwin’s arms extended and King’s crossed with a grin as their fans give them a rollicking homecoming!

 

“What a great sight to see all these legends home for one final night, and in the Garden, no less,” smiles Axis, caught up in the excitement.

 

As the refrain arrives for the first time, the arena plunges back into darkness just as purple strobe lights tear through the house and the blue laser lights spiral wildly, illuminating the two returning heroes in funky, staccato bursts. The IGNTron video plays, flashing half-second clips of classic maneuvers from the Carnival’s members, and Edwin and the King stride down the ramp, striding in step to the beat and slapping hands all the way!

 

“These two are great!  Sharing an entrance, keeping our tech costs low so I can get a pension—pure heroism!” praises Comet.  The two men climb into the ring, approaching Funyon as he raises his mic to announce the match, quickly motioning him to stop.  Soon enough, the three men have formed a huddle…

 

“What are they murmuring about?” wonders Axis.  In a moment’s notice, Funyon snaps away from the huddle, gasping and nodding like a heroin addict at a free-heroin party.  He leaps over the top ring rope and scrambles to the announcers’ table, snags a walkie-talkie, and starts blabbering frantic instructions as Edwin and the King each produce mics from their suavely coiffed hair.

 

“Friends, Romans, ML FANS!” beings Edwin, rallying the crowd, “lend me your ears!  Tonight, for one night only, the last and final night, we, your two golden gods of the ring, have returned, to give you one bloody amazing show!”  The crowd roars, and the King smiles at Edwin, grinning a knowing grin.  He takes up the mic.

 

“Now,” begins the Gambling Man, “here’s an interesting question: who here wants to see us WRESTLE THE BEST DAMN MATCH IN ML HISTORY, AND WRESTLE IT RIGHT NOW?”  The cheers are absolutely DEAFENING and not even Comet’s ever seen such a response.

 

“I can’t believe this!  This is a dream match, truly!”  Edwin takes up the mic and starts to speak again, barely concealing his smile.

 

“Very, very interesting…now…before we begin…one final question…”  He pauses, savoring each second as the crowd hangs in anticipation.  “We know who wants to see us wrestle…but who…yes, who…wants to see us…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…dance?”  

 

“OH MY GOD!” cries Axis.  “OH MY GOD!”  The crowd EXPLODES again and windows somewhere actually shatter, deeply angering the Window-Making Man.  “THEY’RE…GOING…TO…DANCE!”

 

Edwin shouts, “Hit it, Funyon!” and suddenly, a surprise party…is ON!

 

“Stayin’ Alive” blares through the arena and Funyon hops up on the apron, shaking his head to the beat, shaking his booty, and shouting loudly as Edwin and the King tear off their ring attire to reveal matching white leisure suits!

 

“The following contest…is in the long, fine tradition of the IGNWF…and it is a DANCE-OFF MATCH!  The winner wins…THROUGH THE BEAT!”  The crowd roaring behind them, the Carnies take off, flipping into a wide spiral of disco moves as the BeeGees chirp through MSG, their signature song raising spirits and spurring clapping!

 

“I can’t believe it!  They’ve only been dancing for seconds and this place is already on fire!” cackles Axis.  The King clutches at his lapel and busts a funky sidestep while Edwin gyrates against the ropes…and suddenly, the dance party is interrupted as Edwin checks his watch, smirking, as he knows what time it is…

 

“Are…are…are you READY…”

 

“OH MY GOD!  AXIS, HE’S COME HOME!” The crowd shouts and screams, and the lights flash a rippled blue…and the familiar voice comes again…

 

“FOR ME ON A MANATEE?!?!?!?!!?!?!”    

 

“HOLY SH*T!” cries Axis, and Mercury explodes through the IGNTRON, harnessed to a giant manatee no less!

 

“By god, that manatee’s strapped to the rafters!” cries Comet.  The crowd oohs in delight as, like an ancient dragon-rider of yore, Mercury sails above the crowd, waving and dropping RX t-shirts all over his adoring public.  The manatee simply groans, pained.

 

“Manatees can’t fly, Comet!”

 

“Tonight, they can!”  As Mercury sails above the ring, the disco tunes play on and the King of Hearts and Edwin continue the Funyon monitored jive-competition, shakin’ it to the left, shakin’ it to the right, shakin’ it fast…

 

“THIS IS FOR THE PEOPLE OF THE SUN!”

 

“OH MY GOD!  AXIS, NOW *HE’S* COME HOME!”  The remaining fragments of the IGNTRON shatter into nothingness as SPARK comes sailing through on a harnessed manatee of his own, this one painted red but groaning just as faintly and pained as Mercury’s!  Spark sails forward, donning a knight’s helmet and producing a large jousting staff from the manatee’s side!  The manatee groans a faint “unnnnnngh” and surges forward, sailing through the rafters towards Mercury and his lumpy steed!

 

“Crikey, it’s a flying manatee duel!” cackles Axis, who is Australian!  The disco maniacs keep on truckin’, and the music change soon lets them slow it down a bit and catch some FUN-KAY breath!

 

“Duel of the Fates” rips through the arena as Spark and Mercury circle about on their manatee steeds, and the in-ring groovers adopt a slower, more overdramatic flailing motion, dueling with faux invisible lightsabers and executing absurd jump-kicks!  Spark lunges forward and Mercury lets out a primal scream in German or something like that, and it sounds like “UNGRWUITEN!,” and Spark’s jousting lance flies just over Mercury’s head…

 

…RIGHT INTO HIS MANATEE-SUSTAINING RIGGING!

 

“OH NO!” bellows Axis, and Mercury’s face blanks out as his manatee starts to drop, drop, drop!

 

“Elevator going down!” Comet’s cackles echo throughout the arena as the lumpy beast and its rider topple down hundreds of feet from the rafters of MSG…as the descent continues, Mercury leaps away, firing his jetpack and cackling with glee, heading back through the shattered IGNTRON and leaving his manatee far behind!  “That traitor—put on your helmets!”

 

The manatee, overcome by apathy and terminal velocity, says: “UNNNNNNNNNNH…”

 

…and CRASHES INTO THE RING, CAUSING THE CANVAS TO RIPPLE AND SENDING TED FLINK SAILING OUT AND INTO THE GUARDRAIL, WHERE HE CONCEIVEABLY PASSES OUT!

 

“A MANATEE JUST HIT THE RING!” shouts Axis.  “AND SOMEHOW, EVEN THOUGH HE WAS NOT YET HERE, TED FLINK IS DOWN!”

 

“MORE IMPORTANTLY,” SHOUTS COMET, “LOOK AT—ahem, look at what’s happening at ringside!”

 

As Funyon tries to peel the manatee off the canvas, Christian Fury comes leaping out of the crowd to help!  “Fury’s here!  What a show of sportsmanship!”

 

“That’s not what I’m talking about, you Australian person, you!  Look HARDER!”  Axis squints, and suddenly he sees them: the legion of beautiful, perfectly shaped, intelligent, witty, and charming women crawling out from under the ring!  

 

“I see it!  The manatee’s impact must have jarred them from their ungodly prison!”  The beautiful women, whom there are scores of, climb out into the ring, shakin’ the proverbial it as Edwin busts a quick inverted tango, flocking all over, some helping Funyon and Fury with peel duty, some helping Edwin keep his beat , but the vast majority starting straight for the Gambling Man!

 

“Amazing!  All these beautiful women are flocking to the King of Hearts!”

 

“Why, look!  They’ve found him infinitely charismatic and charming!”

 

“That they have!”  Axis nods his silent, knowing reply as the woman bump and grind with the King while he looks on, grinning sheepishly and adopting a cute, puppy-dog face.

 

“Man, chicks sure dig him…and look, for who knows what reason, Christian Fury’s actually started a breakdancing competition!”  The thick breakbeats of Goldie’s “Digital” drop into the arena and the crowd gets on its feet once again as Edwin leaps from turnbuckle to turnbuckle, pumping his fist and looking back as Fury drops into an amazing headspin, whirling and jiving as Lucky and IL sail across the ring on skateboards for no good reason at all.

 

“Skateboards?” clamors Comet.  “Why, this is delightful!”  Suddenly, the lights in the arena drop out once more, and the sounds of IL crashing and shouting, “Ow, my face, my precious face!” are nearly drowned out as the theme from the Yogi Bear cartoon show rips through the arena.

 

“I think things are about to get a whole lot more delightful!” cries Comet, giddy to the max.  The Yogi Bear theme fades into some random Everclear song, and Art Alexakis undoubtedly shouts “YEAH!” somewhere along the way, cueing the entrance of…

 

“Holy heavens, it’s Smokey the Bear!” cries Comet.  The crowd ooh’s as he starts to shake one leg on the entrance ramp, beginning the Charleston under a wash of blue pyro as the ring-side partiers gaze on…

 

“All these moves, from just one bear!” shouts Axis, in utter astonished disbelief as the grooving Bear suddenly drops into the Electric Slide!

 

“Folks,” shouts Edwin, suddenly bearing a mic, “that’s no ordinary bear!  Give it up for your bad boy from Baton Rouge, CHRIS RAYNOR!”  The crowd EXPLODES with delight and even the madly-breakdancing Christian Fury pulls himself up off the mat to watch.  Somewhere, blood spills out of IL’s broken face, and people pointedly ignore this, since dancing bears are f**kin’ cool.  The folks in the ring, now registering as Edwin, the King, Spark, a dead manatee, Christian Fury, Funyon, and endless hordes of constantly re-spawning beautiful women drop into multiple lines, shaking along to the beat as the random Everclear song drops into the classic Electric Slide!

 

“This is brilliant!”

 

“Astounding!”

 

“Fantastic!”  And then the music stops.

 

“Whaaaaaat?” cries Comet.  The crowd groans, and suddenly, the grooving man-bear extends a single paw to the audience.  He reaches around back as the dancers stand frozen, forever paused on the ebb of time as the faint sound of a zipper sliding down its rickety track clip-clops through the arena.

 

“Could it be…?” ponders Axis.  “A metamorphosis?”  The zipper sound stops, and the bear suits starts to slack.

 

And, in one everlasting moment, a voice echoes out:

 

“BEEEEAR SMAAAAAAASH!”  “Walk the Dinosaur” by Was Not Was kicks in and the crowd goes wild as, with one sudden jerk, Chris Raynor yanks off his bear suit and tosses it to the crowd, giving some fan a fine souvenir of the Midnight Carnival as well as the stupidest concussion ever!  Beneath the bear suit: a leopard print sarong, in full Caveman Chris Style!

 

“CAVEMAN CHRIS IS HERE!  CAVEMAN CHRIS IS HERE!” shouts the commentators, and as the in-ring dancers bust into a sensual groove, dozens of beautiful cavegirls pour out from under the ring!  They immediately run towards the King of Hearts, and somehow all 30-something of them dance with him!

 

“Amazing!  All these beautiful women are flocking to the King of Hearts!”

 

“Why, look!  They’ve found him infinitely charismatic and charming!”

 

“That they have!”  Axis nods his silent, knowing reply as the woman bump and grind with the King while he looks on, grinning sheepishly and adopting a cute, puppy-dog face.  It seems that no one can get enough of the party, and Edwin, satisfied, backflips out of the ring, darting up the ramp, a few beautiful women chasing behind!   “Where’s our funmaster going?” whines Axis.  “It’s only just begun!”

 

“He must have--” and the lights drop out once more, calling forth gasps across the arena.  A wispy, scratchy voice calls out from the back…

 

“So says the…why-why-why…it’s GREASED LIGHTNING!”  The lights flash on again, revealing an absent Edwin, but in his place: Reece Black, Silent, and Thoth, the CLAN, all decked out in tight jeans and leather jackets!

 

“Everyone’s here to party!  I can’t believe it!”  Suddenly, a huge explosion of red pyro shatters the arena’s consciousness, and three more figures emerge from the entry ramp as the “Grease Megamix” continues to pump.  The Clan backpedals down the ramp towards the ring, slowly shakin’ it as the figures of Apoc X, Brimstone, and…Anarchy, yes ANARCHY, come out, clad in dresses and hoop skirts!

 

“IT’S RED STORM RISING, BACK TOGETHER FOR ONE NIGHT TO FACE OFF WITH THE CLAN IN THE ONE WAY THEY KNOW HOW!” shouts Axis!

 

“A reminiscence of those hot summer nights?”

 

“You’re damn right!”

 

“Summer lovin, had me a blaaaast…”  starts Reece…

 

“Summer lovin, happened so fast…” calls Apoc…

 

“I met a girl, crazy for meeee…”

 

“Met a boy, cute as can be…”

 

“Summer days,” they join, “drifting away, but OH, those summmmer nights!”

 

“Tell me more, tell me more!” shout Silent and Thoth,  “did you get very far?”

 

“Tell me more, tell me more!” chirp Anarchy and Brimmy, “like does he have a car?”

 

“Ooh ahh ahh, ooh ahh ahh, ooh ahh ahh ooh ahh, ah ooh ahh ahh, ooh ahh ahh, ooh ahh ahh ooh ahh…”

 

“Summer dreams,” wisp Reece and Apoc, staring into each other’s eyes… “ripped at the seams…but…OHHH!  Those sum-mer…. NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHTS!”

 

“TELL ME MORE--”

“TELL ME MORE--”

 

“TELL ME MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!”  

 

“What soul!” cries Comet.  “These enemies have—wait a second, they’re holding that last note!”

 

“It’s a battle of breaths!” explains Axis.  “A show of strength!  Who will relent?”  The Clan holds their tenor pitch, gasping and throwing cutthroat signals at RSR, who puff their dresses and raise a beautiful soprano…they start to advance, getting into each other’s faces, glaring angry glances…and the lights drop out, again!

 

“This could be a brawl, get those lights on!”

 

And, as if someone could hear Axis…one, single light snaps on…at the entrance ramp.  The singers release their note, drifting the arena into silence as a lanky, wild-haired silhouette stands in the light, back to the ramp, guitar in hand…

 

…and kicks in on the opening riff of “Dancing with Myself!”

 

“On the floors of Tokyo-o,

from the London-town a go-go,

with the record collection and the music selection,

I’m a dancin-with myself!”  The lights flare to life and the guitar player starts to make his way down the ramp, slamming away at the strings and coming into the light, Edwin MacPhisto in a ripped red leather vest and some tough-as-hell spiked Billy Idol pants!  RSR and the Clan make peace and everyone runs into the ring as Spark finds some drums and the King drops in a wicked bassline with his magical-suddenly-appearing bass!

 

“Billy Idol fosters harmony!”

 

“And the King plays a wicked bass!”  “Dancing with Myself” rips on as Edwin and the Carnival gang take the anthem through a 16-minute extended jam…

 

--16 MINUTES LATER--

 

Steve Simon and Iceman help each other to their feet, Ash Ketchum hugs his pikachu, Bayawolf kisses Sexton’s decapitated head, and a spirit of unity rises in all the ML superstars past and present as the King of Hearts takes the mic and speaks to an exhausted yet energized crowd…

 

“And so…another midnight carnival draws to a close.  All good children must go home to bed…”

 

“…but not without ONE FINAL SONG!”  Funyon hops into the ring, announcing the winner as the strains of “We are the World” kick up and the members of the ML, along with several hundred beautiful women, join hands in the ring.

 

“YOUR WINNER—THE ENTIRE ML!  WOOOOOOOO!”

 

“We areeee the world…we are the fuuuuuuuuture…”  Axis wipes a tear from his eye, and Comet looks on.

 

“This…this is beautiful, my friend…and look!"

 

“Amazing!  All these beautiful women are flocking to the King of Hearts!”

 

“Why, look!  They’ve found him infinitely charismatic and charming!”

 

“That they have!”  Axis nods his silent, knowing reply as the woman bump and grind with the King while he looks on, grinning sheepishly and adopting a cute, puppy-dog face, and the entire crowd flicks its lighters, smiling happily, singing along, as Edwin, Spark, Raynor, and the King, share a grin.

 

They’ve accomplished what they came here for.  And in the end, that’s all that truly matters…

[Guest Thoth]

I cry every time I read the Dance-Off.  It's so beautiful.

 

And you know what?  You know what?  I invented the Panda Emporium!  Kickass!

[Guest El Luchadore Magnifico]

*sniff* Yeah, I think Edwin and King can certianly take honors for best match ever with that masterpiece. Definitely the funniest thing I've ever read in this fed, and one of the most touching, too...

[Guest Suicide King]

I wish that I could take some credit for that beautiful, beautiful thing... the original plan was for Edwin and I to write COMPETING Dance-OFfs, and see whose won.  Now, I am glad I no-showed because I would have stood no freaking chance.

[Guest Perfect_Bo]

ok, those were classics...  I only have two favorite matches that I wrote, although, I dont have em' anymore...  Those matches were Bo vs. Suicide (JL world title on the line) I found that match funny because of what I wrote about *HEAT*...  And then the angle of the person who ran us over with a car.  

 

Another one of my favorite match was the 10000 word killer match against Grimedogg for the HCG's title...  I wrote my ass off in there and I had a lot of spots that many people didnt think I have...  That was the good time where I was actually good.  I suck now, but hey, it's memories...

 

Those were my two favorite matches that I wrote...  I know I wrote better ones, but those two were and are my favorites.  I know they are junk compare to what Rotten and Edwin posted right here, but the hell with that, I want to tell you my fav.  

 

Rotten and Edwin, funny match gods...

 

B "Knows he aint funny, but he tries." O

[Guest Angel_Grace_Blue]

Yes, that was delightfully delicious...or something.  If only those bastards at Snowball didn't INsider-ize everything so I could get some of those double no-show ML, JL, and even one WF match that I wrote.  I do have the Stubby/Prophet one, but I think the Adam the Red vs. Silencer (I think that's the one) was perhaps the best...but they were all good.  There was Low Brass vs. Triple E, Jack Cassidy vs. Bullet, and uh...others.

 

I shall find them, or at least make someone else find them!

[Guest Angel_Grace_Blue]

Seeing as I'm not an INsider, perhaps someone who is could get these things.  And stuff.

 

GOdrea Waxes Nostalgic #4:  NTD & Nads  http://boards.ign.com/message.asp?topic=13103550&replies=3

 

GOdrea Waxes Nostalgic #5:  Gathering of Champions Promo http://boards.ign.com/message.asp?topic=13...8&replies=3

 

GOdrea Waxes Nostalgic #2:  Soup Cook-Off  http://boards.ign.com/message.asp?topic=12610163&replies=7

 

Birth of the Border Run:  http://boards.ign.com/message.asp?topic=11415327&replies=3

 

Some promo I posted (I have no idea what it says/is about.  PM it to me, I guess):  http://boards.ign.com/message.asp?topic=11234343&replies=19

 

All sans the Stubby/Prophet double no-show matches I wrote:  http://boards.ign.com/message.asp?topic=8952795&replies=9

 

I'll post the Stubby/Prophet match in a while...

[Guest BA_Baracus]

PROMO (Stubby P. McWeed);

"Hmmm...

 

...I seem to remember the entire fed attacking me for booking the cranberry match because it was so "stupid" and below the mighty Apostle.

 

My, my...how times change.

 

Mothernature says, sure do..."

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

Stubbs, just remember: history is written by the victors.

 

In cranberry juice.

 

I don't remember many people attacking you...I do remember

Apostle not liking it so much.  I think we were all converted to the High Church of Cranberry once we saw the actual product, though.

[Guest]

Stubby took incredible heat for booking that match from almost the entire fed.

 

Everyone said that it was an embarressment, and it was during Stubby's first couple months as commish when Wilson took any shot possible. I don't know why everyone followed along.

 

Regardless, It worked out. Give me motivation, I'll give you a good match.

[Guest Angel_Grace_Blue]

Here's the Stubby vs. the Prophet match for Misty Rivers from the PPV (Uh, little help, please?)

 

NTD:  Weeeeeeel, that certainly was an interesting match.

 

Curry:  Right-o!  But, sadly, we’ve got a really bad thing ahead.

 

NTD:  Your wedding footage?

 

Curry:  No, a match, if you can call it that, between current commissioner Stubby P. McWeed, and the Prophet, for Stubby’s wife, Misty.

 

NTD:  Man, this has the foul stench of Russo-esque WCW all over it.

 

Curry:  Exactly.  And that Prophet, is it just me, or is he a Jack Hass?

 

NTD:  Oh yeah.  Oh man, I hope I don’t get sued by Kool-Aid for using their catchphrase.

 

Curry:  I doubt any execs from that company will be watching this crap-fest of a match.

 

Funyon:  Ladies and gents, the following match a two out of three falls for Misty Rivers.  Introducing first, uh…(Takes out a crumpled up napkin) the Prophet!

 

Some weird-type music or somesuch plays and the Prophet walks out.  He does some stuff, and enters the ring.  Yeah.

 

Funyon:  Um, he like weighs in at…uh, more than a flea, less than a whale, and he’s from…Sahgengheldada…

 

Curry:  Funyon folks, an example of a guy who doesn’t care, take time to prepare for anything, and has a short memory and attention span.

 

The old Oddities’ music comes on, with a video of Stubby smoking a joint and drinking tequila comes on the ‘Tron.  Stubbs starts laughing hysterically as the music plays, eventually falling over.  A marijuana leaf is projected in the middle of the ring, similar to HBK’s heart as Stubby wanders out from the back, a good bit heavier than in his wrasslin’ days.

 

Funyon:  Uh, and the guy this guy (Pointing to the Prophet) is going to fight, he weighs in at…around uh…judging by the folds of lard on his ass, about 250, probably more.  He lives in a van down by the river, Stubby!!

 

STM enters the ring, and attempts to tear off his shirt, but due to months of inactivity, and the fact that he always gets to the donuts first, he’s unable to even get a small rip in the material.  However, mighty Funyon offers his services, tearing the shirt to small pieces.  His flabby man-hooters free, Stubby places his hand to his ear, funneling in the crowd’s cheers, which, these days are a few claps and a lot of awkward coughs.  Referee-in-training Mongoloid pats down both men for the match, and calls for the bell.

 

DING!  DING!  GIND!  I mean, DING!

 

The two begin circling each other, and Stubby lashes out with…a thumb to the eye!  Prophet stumbles backwards, shakes off the pain, and….kicks Stubby in the shin!  Hopping on one foot, McWeed falls to the mat via a mighty shove from the Prophet!

 

NTD (Very sarcastically):  Ooh baby, look at these two go.  Man, I can barely keep up with this action.  Man oh man, they had better slow down, they’ve got a lot more of this match to go through.

 

Curry:  NTD, if you can’t say something good about someone, don’t say anything at all.

 

Prophet pulls Stubby up, whips him to the ropes, and takes him down with a scoop slam.  Stubby sells like a commission-driven used car salesman, holding his back and grimacing in pain.  Stubbs slowly rises to his feet, and delivers a mighty slap to the Prophet’s face.  As Stubby removes his hand, a fly that was under Stubby’s hand flies away, unharmed.

 

NTD:  Oh no!  Radioactive super flies!  HELP US!!!!

 

Stubby whips the prophet to the ropes, ducks a clothesline attempt, and…pulls down the Prophet’s pants!!

 

NTD:  Haw haw!!  Stubby pantsed the Prophet!!

 

The Prophet turns beet red and bends down to pull his trousers up.  As he’s hunched over, Stubby takes a look at his left forearm, where, apparently are some kind of notes.  Skimming over them, he moves towards the Prophet, who has just about finished pulling up his pants, when Stubby scrambles, fries, poaches, and hard boils the Prophet’s brains with a Paranoid Freakout!  Stubby makes a cover, and Mongoloid, after reading a pamphlet entitled “The Idiot’s Guide to Being a Professional Wrestling Referee” and drops to make the count:

 

ONE!

 

TWO!!

 

THREE!!!

 

Mongoloid signals for the bell as Stubby rises to his feet, a triumphant look on his face.

 

Funyon:  The first fall goes to…STUBBY!!

 

Curry:  Wow, that was, uh, interesting.

 

NTD:  Boy howdy.

 

Stubby pulls the Prophet to his feet, whips him to the ropes, and nails him with a big boot!  Stubbs bounces off the ropes, landing a huge leg drop!  However, before he can make the pin, the lights go out!

 

NTD:  Oh no, the lights are out just when Stubby was about to win.  This isn’t clichéd at all.

 

A loud “BROOOUUAAAGHH!!” comes from the entrance way, and the lights come back on, with a familiar face riding a hippopotamus.

 

Curry:  It can’t be…

 

NTD:  Oh, yes it is…

 

Curry:  It’s…it’s..

 

Both:  AUNT JEMIMA!!!

 

The syrup-seller rides the hippo up to the ring where all three men in it are dumbfounded over what to do.  Aunt Jemima hops into the ring, and the hippo climbs up the steps, bending and nearly breaking them all the while.  The hippo manages to get into the ring along with Jemima, who begins pulling at her doo rag.

 

NTD:  What?  Is that really Aunt Jemima?

 

Curry:  I don’t think so.  That mask is all most off…it is!

 

NTD:  And look who it is…

 

Both:  STONE FROZEN JACK HOUSTON!!!!

 

SFJH and the hippo begin clearing house, knocking everyone down with either Stone Frozen Stunners, or mighty hippopotamus head butts.  With the ring empty sans SFJH and the hippo, Stone Frozen turns to the hippo and…STONE FROZEN STUNNER!!!!  The hippo is out cold and SFJH stands triumphant in the ring.

 

NTD:  OH MY GODZ!1!!1!1  STONE FROZEN IS BEINGZ STUNNERINGZ EVERYONEZ!11!!1

 

Curry:  Calm yourself, NTD.

 

Just when it look like SFJH has taken the match over…UNCLE BEN COMES OUT!!!  But it’s not really Uncle Ben.  It’s…STEVE!!!  Steve?  Yes, dear reader, STEVE, some guy who’s never joined the IGNWF ever, and nobody knows who he is.  STEVE gives SFJH a mighty Dutch rub, rendering Stone Frozen unconscious.  As quickly as he entered, STEVE exits, allowing the match to continue.

 

NTD:  Man, if it weren’t for STEVE, Stone Frozen might have taken over the IGNWF itself.

 

Curry:  You say that like it’s a bad thing.

 

Mongoloid slowly enters the ring, followed by the Prophet and Stubby.  The Prophet places his index and middle finger up Stubby’s nostrils and, visibly straining, hoists Stubby up and over for a snap mare-like maneuver.  The Prophet points over Mongoloid’s shoulder, saying, “Look, it’s Fred Flinstone!”  Mongoloid, being a complete idiot, not to mention a Fred Flinstone mark, turns around, allowing the Prophet to pull out a pointèd stick.  The Prophet then proceeds to poke Stubby, eliciting a Pillsbury Doughboy-like squeal from the tubby commissioner.  That having been done, the Prophet, still behind Mongoloid’s back, douses himself in gasoline and lights himself on fire, still unbeknownst to Mongoloid.  Now a human torch, the Prophet kicks Stubby in the ribs, knocking McWeed out, because fire makes you stronger and stuff.  Removing his flaming clothes and throwing them to a very, very unlucky fan, the Prophet turns Mongoloid around and makes a cover:

 

ONE!

 

TWO!!

 

THREE!!!

 

Mongoloid signals to Funyon as the Prophet rises to his feet, a smug look on his face.

 

Funyon:  …Oh, uh, the second fall goes to the Prophet.

 

Stubby is still unconscious and the Prophet begins to climb up a turnbuckle.  Once at the top, the Prophet leaps off, landing an elbow on Stubby’s chest.  Instead of the desired result of keeping Stubby down further, the Prophet’s plan back fires as McWeed begins “Stubbying Up.”  Now a no-selling bastard, Stubby dares the Prophet to hit him, which he does.  To nobody’s surprise, Stubby no-sells the punch.  The Prophet clotheslines Stubby, but it too is no-sold.  The Prophet lifts Stubby up, hitting a Ganso bomb, but it is also no-sold.  The Prophet attempts a drunken Irish whip, but Hogan…err, Stubby reverses.  Off the ropes, the Prophet is nailed with a big boot to the face.  Stubby bounces off the ropes, and leaps nearly five feet in the air before crashing down on the Prophet’s chest with a leg drop.  Stubby makes the cover as Mongoloid makes the count:

 

ONE!

 

TWO!!

 

FIVE!!!  Three, sir.  THREE!!!

 

Mongoloid calls for the bell as Stubby rises to his feet, alternately cupping a hand to his ear and flexing his arms in the “crab” position.

 

DING!  DING!  DING!  (Whoo-hoo, got it right this time.)

 

NTD:  I can’t believe it, Stubby has won his wife back!!

 

Curry:  And here she comes!

 

Indeedly-doo, Misty Rivers is walking down the ramp.  She enters the ring…and delivers a shot to the jimmies to Stubby!  Jimmies?  Yes, jimmies, for it is not Misty, it’s OUTCAST!!!

 

Outcast:  HA HA!!  Hey Prophet or Savior, whichever one it is, I was the one you kidnapped!  Just think, whenever you wanted “Misty” to spend time with your wife…it was really MEEE!!!  And you know what we did?  We….PLAYED SCRABBLE!!! AH HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

 

NTD:  That sick bastard!!!

 

Stubby stares at Jobbercast a few moments, allowing everything to sink in.  The Prophet gets to his feet, also confused.

 

Curry:  Um, I’m confused here…

 

NTD:  Me too.  Where’s the real Misty?

 

Curry:  No clue.

 

Suddenly (You kinda know what’s going to happen, don’t you?  You know something weird is about to happen…you just don’t know what.) Mongoloid removes his mask, revealing….THUG!!!!  She nails Stubby with a huge dropkick, takes down the Prophet with a clothesline, and slams Outcast to the mat with a suplex.

 

Thug:  So, you want to know where the real Misty Rivers is?  I’ll tell you…she’s at Timmy Finkleberg’s house playing Spin the Bottle!!!

 

Thug runs away as now everyone in the entire world reading/watching this is confused as hell.

 

NTD:  DAMN THAT TIMMY FINKLEBERG!!!  DAMN HIM TO HELL!!!

 

Curry:  Uh, who is Timmy Finkleberg?

 

NTD:  I have no frickin clue.

 

Curry:  You do know what this means, right?

 

NTD:  ROAD TRIP!!!!

 

Curry, NTD, a camera guy, Stubby, and the Prophet all climb in NTD’s 1987 lime green Yugo and head off to a 12-year old Timmy Finkleberg’s house.  Even though Timmy lives in Fort Wayne, Indiana, the trip is made in five minutes.  Poor, poor marks, they don’t even know all of this has been taped ahead of time.  Anywho, the fab five exit the car, hop the fence and enter an unsuspecting Timmy Finkleberg’s house.  They instantly come across Timmy himself!!

 

Timmy:  Oh look, you found Misty.  Wait, she’s in another house, go away.

 

Stubby:  What the hell is she doing?  Crap on this!!

 

As it turns out, Misty is at the Gund Arena, where yet another IGNJL event is taking place.  The five arrive at the Gund within a few minutes, and begin searching for Misty.

 

It just so happens that they find her uh, under the ring, reading a decade-old copy of The Wall Street Journal, upside down.

 

Stubby:  Uh, where were you?  We’ve been looking for you.

 

Misty:  Uh…I was…on the moon…with uh…Fred?

 

Stubby:  What?

 

Misty:  Okay, I’ve been seeing someone secretly.

 

Stubby:  WHO IS HE?  I’LL KILL HIM!!!

 

Misty:  It’s…it’s…Stone Frozen Jack Houston!!

 

Stubby:  Oh.  Well, uh…I wish the two of you the best of luck.  Gotta go.

 

Stubby gets the heck outta the Gund quicker than you can say, “IliketolickCrusen’ssweatymanboobs.”  With Stubby gone, and the threat of SFJH, the Prophet also leaves.

 

NTD:  So…this has been very strange.

 

Curry:  It sure has.  Let’s go back to wherever the PPV is.

 

NTD:  Kay.

 

What would normally take hours of driving, NTD, Curry, and the camera man are back at the Target Center in a few minutes, and the announcers walk down the ramp and to their table.

 

Curry:  And we’re back.

 

NTD:  Did we even leave?

 

Curry:  Hell if I know, I was drunk.

 

NTD:  Did what was just shown really happen?

 

Curry:  No.  I think Stubby has Misty again, but only on Tuesdays, October, and Thanksgiving.

 

NTD:  And what about the hippo?

 

Curry:  Stone Frozen had sex with it, and now we’ve got some hippo-like things Stone Frozen Stunnering everything and everyone in sight.

 

NTD:  And Outcast?

 

Curry:  I think the hippo ate him.

 

NTD:  Okay.  Now, for the main event?

 

Curry:  Probably.

 

Perhaps my best work in the field of writing for two different people, using no stats at all?

[Guest ErekT2k]

OHMGODZ@@!!@#)(!

 

EREK IS BEINGZ TAKEN OVERZ BY COMEDY#()*%$@!!!1!!!

 

A HUSH FALLS OVER THE CROWD

 

THEY DIE

 

THANK YOU

[Guest]

Erek, you're a moron.

[Guest Suicide King]

YEAH!!!!!

 

Oh, and Rotten... post some of that G0R0-y goodness here as well eh?  I loved them matches.

[Guest Thoth]

I agree, the Smarksians have never seen or felt G0R0 love.

 

Or as he would spell it, LUV...

 

Nah...

[Guest Angel_Grace_Blue]

It would be great if someone who has access to the IGNWF board *CouchCRUSENCouch* would get those matches/other stuff I wrote and sent it to me so I could post it if I feel it's been deemed postable.  Yeah.  Wait...is it "ible" or "able"?  What about "eble"?

 

!Seld00t

[Guest Insanityman]

Well I remember being sick and I didn't feel like writing so I sent this in with a five minute span...

 

 

 

(As the commercial fades out, with the “Sickest Bumps of The JL” video is shown, featuring Munich’s balls being bitten to cost him the title, and the whole five team stables title match, and random spots here and there. Flimsy signs with the people marking out for themselves with “XF9” and such, an interesting “Strangler for President!” is also shown. The camera settles down to the announcer’s table. Axis and Riley are both bickering, about something that’s not important.)

 

“Ha, well there is two mystery men in our presence… one tonight and one that challenged any RSR member!” Axis cries out, ignoring his usual boring intro.

 

“Let all of RSR face him, hell, they all beat the crap out of him!” Riley sputters out, his face full of rage.

 

“Ha, but first the holy grail of wrestling RSR… will have to defend their belts against some huge jobbers!” Riley snickers, and then Axis makes a face of disgust.

 

“Insane Luchador won an incredible match against Gunn, and the others have earned their shot!” Axis defends.

 

“Bah, my ass, they’ve taken the easy way out, RSR has worked un-like any other stable to dominate the JL!” Riley exclaims, his eye twitching in rage.

 

“Elimination, four men, one title!” Axis says like a narrator.

 

“Firestarter” By Prodigy, and Inferno steps out in sync with Funyon “From Death Valley…. Your JL TV CHAMPION… INFERNO!” Add boos, and you have one hell of an eardrum breaking sound.

 

Inferno runs down the ring energetically, through a ring of pyro exploding everywhere, and finally fire comes from the ring posts.

 

“A little too impressive, overdone.” Axis says, slightly bored.

 

“Bah.” Is all Riley can think of.

 

“And next… he hails from Sydney, Australia… he is Stryke!” Funyon announces, “For You” By Staind plays, blue and silver pyro explodes making his entrance enjoyable, as he runs down the aisle to the positive reactions from the crowd, he slides into the ring, and eyes at Inferno’s belt. Inferno and Stryke both lock into a glare of hatred and greed.

 

“And next…  hailing from New Haven, CT… he is Matt Myers!” Funyon concludes.

 

Soon as Myers steps out to the ramp, his music doesn’t even play.

 

“I felt the hate rise up in me, kneel down and clear the stone of leaves, I want to wander where you can’t see this time inside my shell I wait and bleed.”

 

The fans go nuts, and Insane Luchador runs down the aisle chasing Myers, and then the second the two slide into the ring the bell chimes.

 

Insane Luchador grabs Myers by the back of his head, and then bulldogs Matt down.

 

“Starting very fast paced.” Axis comments.

 

Inferno and Stryke engage in a grapple, as Inferno grabs the wrist of Stryke and then pokes him in the eye! He’s eyes tear up, as Myers no sells and chases IL around in a circle.

 

 

Meanwhile in the back the masked mystery man runs down the aisle, he runs into the ring and hits a DDT onto Inferno, IL pins.

 

ONE!

TWO! NO!

 

 

Myers bits and then bites Stryke in the balls.

 

ONE!

TWO! THREE!

 

The fans all smile as G0R0 runz downz the aisle, eating little kid and a popcorn vendor.

 

“G0r0! G0R0!” Axis cries.

 

Suddenly “Safety Dance” blares over the loud speakers.

 

“GOOOD GOD NO!” The five failing fruit trip and stumble down the ring.

 

In the back the valets of everyone makes a porn video… and back to ring action.

 

 

G0R0 picks up the five fruits and eats them.

 

 

The mystery man leaves.

 

Insane Luchador eats a bottle of steroids and grows ninty feet tall, soon IL and G0R0 engage in a Godzilla like battle.

 

Craption Falcon runs down the aisle steel chair in hand, and knocks out Stryke with it, then has Inferno hit a top rope bulldog. Out of no where Lucky falls from the sky and shatters through the ring canvas, Myers has a heart attack and is out, while Inferno falls on Stryke and pins him.

 

Insane Luchador then shrinks back to normal size after drinking coffee and stuff and then pins Inferno.

 

 

Funyon goes to announce the winner but instead gets eaten by G0R0… G0R0 goes back stage and BEINGZ AROUSED BY VALETS and leaves in a bouncing car.

 

 

A mosh pit breaks out, and they grab Riley and kill him, then IL walks out grinning to the mystery man, as he rips off the mask… IT’S….

 

 

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK!

 

 

 

Also I wrote Lucky vs El Loco Hombre where the two chase each other in a circle until Lucky blinds ELH with puke and hits a school boy. Soon afterwards Galatea kicked them in the balls...